All language subtitles for Here.We.Go.S03E01.Mum.and.Dads.Anniversary.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-TBN_track3_[eng]

I just wish I knew what was
going on in there.

Someone is stealing our spoons.

The ants are back.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, Amy? Please!

BOTH SCREAM

That was good that time, wasn't it?
Not really, no.

Is that banana meant to be a knife?

No, it's meant to be a banana.
I'm going to eat it. OK.

What's going on? You called me.

No, Sam's just helping me
with self-defence.

And I need you to take
that down, please.

What? I've only just finished it.

But it's massive,
and I need it out of my way.

Well, that's what
the French said at first,

a lot of people wanted it
pulled down, and now,

it's the most-visited tourist
attraction in the world, so...

Huh. Oh, Amy, isn't it wonderful!

Oh, it's like being in Paris.

It's like being in Legoland.

Are you not putting the flag on?

Er, the what? What flag?

For the tippy top.

Eee. Right, I'm off to
the high street. OK.

I'm taking one of the fobs, Rachel.
Yeah.

And I'll meet you at the, er,
escape shop at 3pm.

Escape Room, OK, bye, Sue.
I'll see you later, Paul.

Why is that stain here? I've just
washed it. See you, Mum. See you.

OK, everyone,
listen up, please.

I'm going to take my oatmeal
bath now for my...

Bum rash.

..upper thigh rash, thank you, Sam,

and, er, I shall be at least
an hour, please do not disturb.

Well, thank you, thank you for that
totally unnecessary announcement.

You go and stew in your porridge.
What are you looking for?

I've lost the French flag
for the top.

It's not finished without it.

OK. God, it's taken me ages.

Er, why is the door locked?

I guess the smart locks are on.

Where's the fob?
I think Granny had it, didn't she?

Oh. What? Oh, no.

What? Erm...has she locked us in?

Oh, she's locked us in. Huh?

Yeah, she's locked us in.

Er, go and get your dad, Sam.
He's bathing in oatmeal.

Go after your granny, Amy,
and tell her she's locked us in.

Yeah, I can't, she's locked us in.
She's locked us in.

Sam, go and get your dad,
put the camera down. Oh...

We're locked in. Oh, God!
We're locked in! Sam.

We're locked in. Sam, go!
We're locked in! Fine!

Oh...
AMY GIGGLES

Why am I nervous? What is it?
THEY CHUCKLE

Ta-da! Happy anniversary.

Oh, babe...

Yeah? I didn't think you...
SHE GIGGLES

I didn't think you were going
to get me one. Waaah!

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
Because...because and...

..and this is so funny,
it really is funny,

erm...I got one, as well.

Ha!

You got a big green egg
for yourself?

No, I... Well, for you.

For me?

Are you joking?
For us.

For the...for the family.

The discount code was about
to expire, and...

..and you said you weren't
getting me one...

Yeah, because I wanted it to be a
surprise. Where's your one, then?

It hasn't arrived yet.

OK, so my anniversary present
isn't even here in time,

and it's a barbecue.
Oh, wow, this is great.

Come on, you two.

Your anniversary pancakes are ready.

Oh, yeah! Mm.

Huh? Mm-mm. You know.

I'm sorry, babe,
I'll send back the other one.

That one was full whack as well,

trust you to find the discount code,
you stingy git. Ah-huh.

Happy anniversary.

25 years.

Oh, it's not that long, actually.

Well, it feels long, Sue.
Pancakes!

And it's the same length
as the minimum life sentence...

Mm. ..appropriately.
Yeah, well...

Why are you standing like that?
Just sit on a stool.

Hmm? No reason.

He...he can't sit down
because of his botty rash.

SAM CHUCKLES
Upper-thigh rash, Mum!

And I thought I told you that
in confidence.

Have you still not been
to the doctor?

I will. I just - I just need
to send him some photos,

and I'm finding it really difficult
to get it at the right angle...

Oh, my God.
..and in the light.

Do you want me to take it, Paul?
No, Mum!

Well, w-we could use that,
erm, angle-poise lamp.

Oh, my God, no! Ugh.

I don't want you shining
a light up my bum,

like you're interrogating it.

Thought it was your
upper thigh?

DOORBELL RINGS
Where's the pepper, Rache?

I don't know, go and have a look,
you're the one standing up.

Doorbell! All right, jeez.

Pepper, don't put pepper on
your strawberries, you pervert.

Shut up!

Ah, hey, Robin, Cherry.
Robin and Cherry are here.

All right, Paulo, Spielberg,
give Chez a bit of space, will you?

Yeah. It's actually easier if I come
in backwards, cos of the step,

it's like...

Boop-boop, "Caution,
vehicle reversing".

HE LAUGHS
Stop doing that! Sorry.

I told you. Yeah, sorry.

Oh, Cheryl,
look at the size of you.

Yes. No, I know, I am sick of it,
to be honest, though,

I feel like a bloody
hot-air balloon.

A smoking hot-air balloon,
thank you very much.

I find it, honestly,
very attractive.

He does, it's a problem.
It is, it's the last thing

she needs at this stage, this idiot
doubling down on the pregnancy.

Oh, my God, doubling down?
Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, bon anniversaire!

Doesn't that mean
"happy birthday"?

It... I don't know.

25 magical years of being
my brother-in-law.

I mean... I know!
I can't believe it, hey?

Mwah. OK. Fantastic. Thank you.

It's my anniversary, too.
Well, you get any nice presents?

We both got each other
the same barbecue. Yeah.

Er, which only he wanted,
and I think is hideous,

so, no, not really. OK.

And I got you the smart locks.
Yes. Smart locks?

They're super secure,
you know, digital locks,

because of the burglary
spree recently. Spree?

Oh. And the locksmith's going
to fit them on Tuesday.

OK. Not a spree, Mum, OK?

I mean, we've hardly even talked
about it down at the station.

They're going on all
the doors and windows.

And Penny got us one of
those smartphones... Oh, yeah.

..which link up to the
photo library.

Yeah, I know, yeah, great.
Pretty cool, I'll get it.

Oh! Oooh!
Who got you the Lego Eiffel Tower?

What? Oh, no, that's mine.
Grow up.

It's not a present, I-I'm clearing
out the last of my stuff.

Ah. Yeah.

Is it full-size? Oh.

It... Well, n-no. I-I mean...

I don't - I doubt it.

It's 149 centimetres
when fully erect,

and the Eiffel Tower's
pretty big an' all.

Millimetres, more like.

Erm...y-yeah. Actually.

Yeah. Give or take.

You going to build it,
then, or what?

Well, no, not right now,
I'm too busy job hunting. Are you?

At the moment, yeah. Have we
seriously not got any pepper, Mum?

Oh, I've got some.
In me bag. Have you?

Why have you got pepper
in your bag, Sue?

It's the, erm, the spray.

She's funny, isn't she?
The...the spray?

As in, pepper spray? Yeah.

Just squirt a bit there.

THEY SCREAM
Oh, my...

Do not squirt pepper
spray near me, Sue,

because it might make the baby,
you know...

Sneeze. That's stupid.
Oh, yeah, stupid.

Can't be around sprays.

I won't even let him spray
Lynx Java. QED.

Why have you got pepper spray, Sue?
Phwoar! Sorry.

Well, the burglaries, Rachel.

And Bren saw a flasher
a few weeks back.

What, so you'd pepper spray
a flasher?

I would, yes. Yeah.
The dirty devil.

Blast him in the eyes, and the bits.

All right. Upstairs, downstairs.

All right.
Wh-Where did you even get it?

Yeah, exactly. Er, just, you know,
what's it called now?

Oh, the dark web.

The dark web?!
Love the dark web. What?

You're 77, you can barely
manage the light web.

Can you put pepper spray
on food? Of course not.

Yeah, 'course you can.
You shouldn't have that, Mum.

It's illegal. Is it? What?

Just do the self-defence
class with Rachel,

if you're worried about that.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly!

You're, doing a self-defence
course, are you, Rache?

I thought you were off counselling
prisoners at the moment? Well...

That's why she's doing it,
she assumes they'll attack her.

Well, no, I do not assume
anything, thank you.

You know, most convicted criminals
are victims of circumstance

and deserve our compassion.
Ding.

That said, if any of them
do get aggressive,

I need to know how to beat them off.

OK, one way to deal with a flasher.

Yeah, that's a little bit
too much compassion, Mum.

THEY LAUGH
As in - don't be childish -

as in, getting them in to a hold
and bringing them safely to a...

Climax?
..prison officer. Stop it.

Come on, then, Rache, let's see
the old beat-off in action.

Come on, come on, come on.
Ow. Ow! Robin. Well, OK.

No, the first video's about
adrenaline control and... Oh, OK.

..I do panic a bit when taken
by surprise, so actually,

I give you all permission
to startle me whenever you want.

OK, great.
Don't mind if I do.

Da-daaahh!
See, I was all right, then.

You were.
What's this?

OK, so this is your

anniversary gift from me and Chez.
Oooh!

OK. Hopefully a good one.
Say hello to - doink - Tim!

Whoo! To whom?

Tim. He's a home assistant.
He's like the Alexa of Bulgaria.

Yeah, he is.
What?

There's an assistant in that box?

No, n...no.

He's not - OK, so he's -
it's a smart home hub, Sue,

so what you do, you plug him in,

and then, Tim can tell you
if it's raining, or...

Well, I can do that.

..o-or, you know,
what time Gardeners' World's on.

Erm, 8pm on a Friday night.

OK, and things you can't do, Sue,
like he can play any song.

Well, I can play some of them.

OK, yeah, but he's online,
he's always listening, he's the...

Why would we want a Bulgarian robot
always listening, Robin?

Well... Rude. ..spying on us?
That is a bit rude.

You know, smart locks,

smart frames, smart homes, I mean,

when did everything suddenly
have to be smart?

You know, what's wrong with
the old thicko version of things?

OK. OK, well, this is
from me and Sam... Oh!

..to encourage a couple of
old thickos to be smart.

OK! Ha-ha! Aww.

What is it?

Erm, we booked an escape room.

Yes! Why?
I love an escape room.

Well, this is what marriage is,
one big escape room,

everyone desperately
looking for a way out.

It was to make you work
together a bit, you know,

help you two communicate.
I do communicate, Sam.

If anything, we communicate
too much, actually.

OK, you bought each other
the same barbecue. Yeah.

Well, I'm really pumped, with this.
Well, of course you are.

You know, I don't want to be rude,

but this present is worse
than nothing.

OK, you're welcome. Mm.

Yeah, strategy games
make him unbearable!

He'll just... Me? ..take over
and boss me around, again.

I won't! You will! I won't.

All right, we're going to do this
together, as a team.

I won't take over, Rache, OK?

I promise. Mm.

AMY SCOFFS
Oh, Dad.

I can't find the flag anywhere!

Well, look for the fob,
Amy, not the flag!

The door is smart-locked,
if we can't find the fob,

then we're genuinely
staring down the barrel

of missing the escape room!
Oh, God, that'd be great.

Or bring the escape room here,
I guess.

Right, could everyone just
calm down, please?!

Well, we are calm,
you're the only one that isn't calm.

There were two fobs, right?
Mum only took one,

so, basic maths dictates...

Oh, my God, there's one fob
in the house, yes,

you don't need to
basic-maths dictate -

this is why I don't do
games with you,

you get so pompous and bossy. Mm.

All right, don't snipe, Rachel.

This isn't exactly ideal
for me either,

I just pulled the plug on
my oatmeal bath - literally.

The locksmith's not answering.

Right, OK, I'll look over there,
you call Robin.

Yeah, you can say "please,"
we're locked in, not in the army.

Where did Granny say
she put the fob?

I don't know, I don't actually
listen to what she says to me, Amy.

Hi, Robin, hi, yeah, no,
we're...we're locked in.

Yeah. Can you get over here
as soon as you can?

DOORBELL CHIMES

Oh, that was quick. I'll get it!

Oh, yeah, it's locked, innit?
Yeah. Delivery.

Oh, er, yeah, is it...?

Can it fit through the letterbox?

Don't think so, it's a barbecue.

Oh, my God, it's the egg!
It's the second big green egg.

I thought you'd sent that back?

Well, it'd already been dispatched,
so they wouldn't let me. Hello!

Erm, we're sending it back.
Mm. What?

Yeah, we've already got one.
Got one.

Why'd you order another one, then?
Exactly! Great question!

Well, because...well, none of
your beeswax why, mate.

OK? We are - we are returning it.
I'm going to try Sue again.

Can you open the door?

Oh, great
idea, I hadn't thought of that.

We're not choosing to speak to you
through the letterbox, pal,

we're locked in. OK? And even so,
I am refusing the delivery.

You can only do that in person.

Well, I am in person,
I'm just behind a door.

I am a person, in person!

I am in person!

He's leaving it, Dad.
Oh, look, do not leave it there.

Do not leave it there,
I'm a policeman,

I command you not to leave it there.

Squire! Squire!

SQUIRE!

He's gone, Dad.

Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Bloody hell!

Ah, Sue! Sue! I'm through,
I'm through! Oh, thank God.

Sue! Sue, can you hear me? Mum?

Listen, you'll have to head back,
because you've locked us all in!

Come home! I didn't, actually.

Granny left her phone in
the kitchen. Great.

I'm on the app, Dad, but we need
the activation code to sign up.

OK, how do we get the code?
It's printed on the fobs.

Great news. Whoa, Dad!
Your dressing gown's coming open.

Oh... Huh?
Oh, well, don't look at it!

I'm not looking!
It's the sash, it's very feeble.

Who's that? Is there someone
at the door? Oh, what? Huh?

Are they burglars? What?
Who...who are they? I don't know.

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
are they taking the egg?

Do not take the egg! I...

I command you, I am a policeman!
Barely.

Drop that egg, in the name
of the law! Stop that!

They're just ignoring you.
Stop it!

Oh... Great.

Well, that's great.

I mean, thank God we got two.
They were very expensive. Mm.

Well, that one was bought
with a discount code.

Nah, we're calling the police.

He is the police. I am A police.

I am not THE police.
And we're not calling them.

Why not?! We have been burgled!

No, I mean, we left something
outside our front door.

WE didn't leave it out there!
It makes us look like goons.

We are goons - we're trapped
inside our own house.

Yeah, but if...if the guys at
the station find out about this,

they might...make fun of me.

Ah. Anyway, there's no point.
We've got a doorbell camera,

we'll have footage of their
thieving faces!

No, but, it's - look, the police
won't, you know, investigate.

Why not? We don't catch burglars
any more, Rachel,

it's not the 1950s.

Well, what do you do all day, then?!

Eat doughnuts and glare at people
outside stadiums, mainly.

And other stuff! Mm.

I'm going to try calling
my mum again. Oh, my God.

I have her phone!

You'd literally just be calling me.
Well, I won't, then!

Now, cup of tea, Jon Boy.

And a Wagon Wheel as a coaster.
Nah, I'm good, thanks.

Nearly finished fitting
the smart lock, anyway.

Oh, well, I'll leave it,
in case you change your mind.

Oh, wow, look at that.

That photo frame is clever, innit?
Yeah, it's smart - like the locks.

Anniversary gifts.
Aww, congratulations.

Tim... Tim!

..and then,
come in with the elbow, and then,

follow up with the wrist,
the heel of the hand... Boo!

SHE SCREAMS

Sam! What?! You told me
to startle you.

Yes, well, I wasn't ready!

That's the idea, isn't it? Oh!

Tim. Tim. Tim!

Tim.
Timmm. Tim!

Are you sure it's on? Yeah,
it's definitely listening, look.

Cos the light's on. Tim.

Tim. Tim.- Tim.

Why isn't it responding?
Well, he's Bulgarian, remember, pal.

You might not have been
saying it right. Tim? Tim!

Can you look for a four-by-two
flat grey piece, Granny?

Yeah. Amy, could you pick up
this Lego please? Whoopee!

That's what I'm doing.

Yeah, but not one piece at a time.
That'll take ages.

Tim. What's his problem?

Why can't you do this in your flat?
Come in, Tim.

Well, Maya's working from home
this week, so it'll get in her way.

Tim. Yeah, but I'm working from
home, and it's getting in my way.

Tim? And please don't force your
grandmother to do it, too, please.

She's not forcing me! Tim?
We're a team. Yeah, exactly.

Tim? Tim. Timbo. Timothy. Tim...

How can I help you? Oh. Oh.

Whoa, that's creepy. Well, go on,
then, Paulo, ask him something

quickly, before he goes away.
Er, well, er, well, OK, erm,

well, I don't know what to ask him.
Hah! Erm, what time is it?

10.26. The time is now 10.26.

See? Waste of space. Well...

Anyone want a Wagon Wheel?
I'll have a Wagon Wheel.

Hey there.
SHE SCREECHES

Whoa! Whoa! Chill out, Rache!
Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm doing
a self-defence course, sorry.

OK. Nice.

So, I just finished fitting
your locks. Fantastic.

Let me walk you through the system.
OK, great, thanks, Jon.

Cool, thank you, Jon.
It's, er, Jon Boy.

Cool. These fobs,
we've got two of them.

Oh, is it your anniversary, then?
Uh-huh, yeah.

Look at the lovely couple.
Your wife is hot, innit?

Oh, thanks, no, no, that's my mum.
Oh! That's not my wife.

Sorry. My mum, mate.

Sorry about that.
Yeah. It's all right.

Er, what, you doing
anything nice for it?

Erm, yeah, we are actually, yeah.

Yeah, we're going to an escape
room tomorrow. Ah, no way!

You doing Temple of the Sphynx?
Yeah, exactly.

HE CHUCKLES
Bro, I warn you, it is hard!

I mean, like rock-hard,
you've got to sort of work out

all them hygroglytics and that.
Hieroglyphics, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

And then, you've got to sort of,
like, put the gods in height order,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Please don't tell me. No, no.

I'd rather do it, you know? Sure.

And, look, I didn't get
the medal when I did it, so...

Right, cos I don't want to...
There's a medal, is there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get it
if you get the code on the side

of the mummy's erm, er, body box.

Sarcophagus. Please don't ruin it.

OK, cool. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so...

Oh! Smart locks. Yes. Right, look.

So, basically, fob will lock
and unlock the windows

and doors at once.
Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

And download the app -
I would if I was you. Good.

Yeah? Control it from your phone,

and it will basically stop you
getting locked in, or out...

Oh, my God. Mm. What? Dad.

What? What is it? Whoa, come on!

Who's...?

Don't look at that. I...whatev...
Just don't look at it.

Whatever you're into, there is
no judgment. I'm not into that.

What would that even be?

It's a rash, OK? I had to take
a picture to send to my GP.

Can we just...
Well, why did you take so many?

Cos I couldn't see what was
going on down there. Oh.

So, I had to just...
It's the arse, is it?

Yes, it's the arse, OK?
Oh, I see. But it's OK.

Can we just focus on
the smart locks, please, Jon...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! ..Boy.

Oatmeal bath.
You need to do one. Trust me.

What, is this about
the escape rooms again?

Cos I really don't want to know.

Escape room?
No, no, this is bum-related.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, my grandad -
same problem. All right?

I mean, look, his weren't
as angry as yours -

oatmeal bath, sorted it right out.
OK.

I'll, erm, I'll check it -
how old's your grandad?

Oh, do you know what, there's
actually a water level in

the escape room - he's 86 -
you sort of like, y-you're fishing.

Yeah, can we focus on the
locks again, please?

Yeah, yeah, no, no, but you've got
this sort of magnetic fishing stick.

Rod. Yeah, yeah, yeah, rod.
I don't want to know.

A-And you've sort of got to get
Pharaoh's coins from the well,

and... I don't... Yeah. OK.

Wow, bruv, that is -
no, that's not OK, you know?

Nah, that is bad, innit?

Aggressive. Aggre...

We don't know... Do you want
to zoom in on that? Yeah.

So, how many fobs do we get?

Rache!

Robin. Robin! You OK?
Robin, yes, no, we're locked in!

And we've had a barbecue stolen.

And the escape room starts
in five minutes. Five minutes.

OK, don't worry, I've got this!
I'm going to jemmy the lock.

Jimmy how? Yeah.
What does that mean?

Just a case of, er, sliding in
the old flexible friend...

What friend? Great.
You've got a fiend? His card.

..and then, er, and then,
finding the biting point...

OK, hurry up, then.

..and then, carefully easing
open the, erm...

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Mm. Ah.

That one's snapped, Robin.
Yeah, cheers. I know.

Don't worry, I'll just use
the old American Express.

That'll do nicely.

Don't break all your cards,
you bell, you need it.

No, I know, don't worry,
babe, it's just, look,

I went in at the wrong
angle last time.

Here we go, find that biting point.

That's it, looking good.
And then, just very gently just...

Oh! Oh.

You bell.

OK, erm, anyone got any cards
they can put through the letterbox?

Well, not any that we want
snapped, no. Erm...

Just barge it down, Robin.

Oh, gosh, really, Cherry?
Yeah. Barge it down? Mm.

Can you do that, Robin?
Can you barge it? Yeah.

Oh, I can barge it.

Don't you worry about that, yeah,

a bit of the old onion bhaji,
no problemo.

Erm...
SHE CHUCKLES

I mean, judging by his
previous goes, he'll probably just

snap himself in two.
Oh, the whole door.

Right, everyone stand back!
OK, Sam, get back, come on.

I mean, do we want
the door barged down?

Well not really, no, but I don't
know how else we can do it.

Art Nouveau, that is.
Incoming! Ahhh!

Oh! Ah! Argh!

It didn't work.

Yeah, we got that, Cherry, thanks.
You all right, Robin?

No. Mm-hm. Agh!

Can you not just, like,
open a window, or something?

Well, no, cos they're all
smart-locked.

But, I mean, unless one of
them was already open.

The bathroom window's open.
Really?

I opened it when I ran my oatmeal
bath, cos it was so steamy.

Well, we can't jump out,
it's on the first floor!

Well, yeah,
but I can jump in, climb in.

Can you? Big time.

I can wander round the back,
and then, incy-wincy-spider my way

up the water spout. Oh, amazing.
Job's a good 'un, OK.

It's all coming together.
That's great!

Cherry, you get in the car,
drive to the high street,

and see if you can find Mum.
My mum. Right.

Robin, you shimmy up
the water spout. Yeah.

Rachel, Amy, you look for the fob.
Go, go, go!

What? Stop bossing us around,
we're a team. Why are you bossy?

You're not in charge. Yeah!
Well, I am hereby taking charge.

What do you mean you're
"hereby taking charge"?

Rachel, baby, some people
thrive in a crisis, OK?

And some people get startled,
and, I'm not being horrible,

they melt, and you, if we're
being honest, are a melter.

So, just follow my lead.
I got this.

Well. Unbelievable.

Grasp the frame! Be careful!
You can do this, Robin.

Go on, Robin. Yes! I've got you!
Don't...don't drop him.

I've got you, should you fall.
Oh, careful, careful.

Oh, you are an absolute hero.
Come on! Come on!

Ha-ha! Oh, yeah!
He's in, yeah! Ha-ha! Yeah!

How does this actually help?
Having Robin in here, as well?

I'm not sure, actually.

Well, better to be inside
the tent pissing out

than outside the tent pissing in.

Mm, why are you pissing at all
in this tent metaphor?

I do need a widdle. Oh, OK. Do you?
I suppose, yeah, after that,

so if I could ask you to erm...
Let's all go, shall we?

Oh, Dad! Your dressing gown, again.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh! Oh!

I am well sweaty after that,
as well,

if I can just borrow some deo.

While the cat's away.
Yes, of course.

Oh, that's pepper spray, Robin!

What? Oh, God!
Oh, oh, argh, argh, argh, argh!

Aargh! Argh, argh!
Don't breathe it in! Aargh!

Don't breathe, Sam!
Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Robin!

Aargh! Aargh! Go, Sam!
Move, everything! Everything! No!

Aargh! Argh, my pits!
Well, they're the pits.

Ow, ow, ow. They've gone bright red.
Have they? Yeah.

I mean, you can have some of
my oatmeal, if you like.

Thanks, mate, your what?
I'm not hungry.

What you talking about?
My oatmeal bath, there's some

sloppy bits at the bottom and...

..and there's some in the
kitchen, you know,

it worked wonders on my bum rash.
It did, it did.

Was your bum rash this red, was it?
Well, it was...like that. Yeah.

Oh, God... Ahh!

Oh, my God, why are your privates
everywhere I look?! It's the sash!

Why? Why? Why?

And the bottom is not one
of the privates, Amy.

Well, none of us want that public,
so can you just...cover up?

Yeah, put it away.
MUFFLED CLATTERING

What's that noise? Oh!

Is someone in the garden?
What? What? Is there?

Oh, I did leave the side
gate open, I think, actually.

Oh, come on, Robin.
Oh, my God. Whoa! Dad! Huh?

No! No! Not the other egg!

Oh, no. Not the other egg!
Dad, dressing gown!

Not - oh!
Don't look at me.

Oh, my God. Oh!

Th-They need to be strung up,
the thieving bloody scumbags!

I thought criminals were victims of
circumstance and deserve compassion?

Yeah. Except when they're
stealing from us, obviously.

I mean...
And he did take that barbecue.

No, that does help a tiny bit.

Oh, God.
Oh, so what's the plan, then?

Seeing as you're in charge.

Yeah, I'm phoning the police now.

Hi, hello, police, please.

Yeah, and actually,
also fire brigade.

And ambulance, Paulo.
What, really?

Wouldn't say no, yeah.

And an ambulance, it -
yeah, it's the full house.

W-Well, we're locked in,
my brother-in-law has peppered

sprayed his armpits, and we've had
two big green eggs stolen.

Two eggs stolen.
So, it's all three.

Eggs.

No, I'm fine, they're barbecues.

Oh, my God! There it is!

What, the fob? It's the fob!

Oh! Hallelujah! Hold the line!

We might be all right.
Oh, she's found it.

Found the flag!

Oh. Oh.

Oh, for God's sake, Amy.

What? I know that's what you wanted.
I can finally finish it.

God. False alarm.

Yeah, false alarm. Oh, God.
We're still locked in.

Although the oatmeal seems
to be working very well.

Oh, yeah. Oh, use a spoon, Robin.
Yeah, oh, sorry.

Oatmeal, my brother-in-law
is putting oatmeal on his burns.

Tell them it's soothing.
It's soothing. Yeah.

No, it's still very much
an emergency. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I am meant to be solving
an escape room, literally right now.

We! We are! It's not just you!

We're meant to do the escape
room together. As a team!

How can I help you?
Ahh! Oh, no! AHHHH!

What have you done?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to.

Erm...startled by Tim.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, no, my wife just knocked
over the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, Amy... Yeah.

No, the Lego one, I'm not mad.

Yeah.

Although, I am actually a policeman,
if that makes a difference here?

It won't. No? OK, cool, cool.

This is...this is still...

I mean, why did you even
turn Tim on?

I didn't, I said "team".

How can I help you?
Shut up, Tim!

To remind your dad that we need
to work together.

It's his fault, in a way.
Team! Yeah.

How can I help you?

I actually know a Bulgarian called
Team, I should've got that.

Well, the police aren't coming,
which means we have to wait for Mum,

which means we're going
to miss the escape room.

You're just going to give up?

Well, I just don't think
there's anything we can do, Sam.

Hang on, hang on, wait a minute.
Er, Tim - er, Team...

How can I help you?

Er, Robin, he listens
to everything we say, right?

Er, well, when he's on, yeah, why?

Team? How can I help you?

Do you remember hearing anyone say
where they were putting a fob?

In the last couple of days?

Checking entries for fob.

Thursday, at 9.26am.

"Now everyone, listen, I'm putting
the fobs in the jar by the sink,

"Rachel, Amy,
are you listening to me?

"Would anyone like a Wagon Wheel?"

No way.

Oh! Yeah! Oh, Rachel,
you're a genius! That's amazing.

I can't believe it!
I can't believe I did it!

I'm so sorry I called you a melter.

That's all right,
but don't do it again.

Mwah, I love you, happy anniversary.
That's nice. Oh!

I said we make a great team!
He did!

How can I help you?

I mean, it is really creepy

he listens to everything, isn't it?

No, it's appalling,
we'll have to put it in the bin.

PHONE VIBRATES
Thanks. Uh-oh, that's the locksmith.

HE CHUCKLES
Hello, Jon Boy!

Hang on, this doesn't mean
we're still doing the escape room?

I'll put you on speaker
while I put my pants on. Surely?

OK, so we rotate the pyramid...

Yeah, and, er, a little
blue bug thing drops out.

A scarab beetle, sure. Yeah.
What do we do next, then, Jon Boy?

Then you put the beetle in
the alligator's eye socket.

It's a crocodile, it would be
a crocodile in Egypt.

Sorry, why do we need to know
all this before going in?

Hang on, please, Jon Boy.

Because we only have
15 minutes to complete it,

and we really want
to win that medal.

Right, yeah, the medal, obviously.

Can we not just rebook it
and do it again properly?

No, no, no, this is much better,
let's get it over with.

We're on an escaping from
places roll anyway.

Yeah!

Yeah, sorry to be a buzz kill,
but I'm wondering if I should go to

the hospital after all,
just pits-wise? You'll be fine.

Carry on, big boy.
Jon Boy! Jon Boy.

So, there's this viper,
which is like a padlock.

An asp, go on. Go on.

So, you turn his body
so the pattern matches.

They're crusting over,
I think. Crusting?

..and unlock the ancient,
you know, safe.

I think we'll be all right,
actually, Jon Boy.

Eh? What do you mean?
Oh, yeah? Ah.

Has she... Has she escaped?

Where've you lot been?

I did it in record time, look!
SHE LAUGHS

Oh! Oh.
Huh.

So, what do we do, then?

Erm, I suppose...

..Lego Eiffel Tower?

Ha-ha, yes! Yes!
Yeah! Let's do it.

THEY LAUGH

Hell yeah, bruv,
I'm down for some Lego!

Not you, Jon Boy.

Trapped
by Colonel Abrams