Original subtitles

Where are the spoons?

I am as regular as clockwork.

Give me a header!

Not in the house, Amy!

# Here we go, here we go, here we go! #

OK, off you go. Oh, all right? Hey! Hey!

# Here we go, here we go, here we... #

Sorry, do you mind not? That's the car. Stop it! Stop singing!

OK, OK. Good luck, I hope you win, if that's what you want.

I just want to get it over with, get home as soon as possible

and eat a Yorkie in the bath.

Hashtag life goals. Why are you wearing gloves

if you're going to be on the bench?

I don't know, Sam. I'm nervous. I have no idea what I'm doing.

All right, then? You will protect me, won't you, Robin?

Huh? Make sure I never have to go on the, er, lawn.

-Lawn? -The pitch?

Yeah, don't worry, big boy. I got you.

OK. I'll be your human shield. OK...

Off you go! Get in the car! Come on, Paolo!

Well, this is it, then. Oh, God! It's coming home, I guess. Yeah.

HORN HONKS REPEATEDLY It's coming home. It's coming home.

Get off, get off! Stop, Oh, God!

Stop honking, you silly sod!

Hurry up, Paul. Get in the car, get in the car.

Yeah, I'm coming, I'm going, yeah. OK. Aah, love you.

All right, OK! Let's do this!

Come on, Sam. Yeah, I'm coming.

Why is Mum being so weird? Yeah, I don't know.

They're doing an extension over there.

Yeah. Well, they've been doing that for 18 months, Mum.

Who's that...? Who's that guy?

Why have you got three isotonic drinks?

Oh, my goodness. God, it's massive.

Is it ever? Wow. Yep.

It looks like - and please don't take this the wrong way, Robin -

something out of a cartoon. Thank you.

Is it a real diamond?

It... Er, yes and no. It's lab grown, so it's like an IVF diamond.

Don't touch it. But it's... It's so sparkly, isn't it?

Yeah. It's amazing. Oh, my God,

Cherry's going to love it.

It sort of suits her. DOORBELL RINGS

Doorbell!

Oh, I'll get it!

Don't touch it, please, Rach. Well, no, it's just amazing.

When's the proposal?

I'm still trying to work that bit out, actually,

because I wanted to get a flash mob going... Oh. Flash mob!

..but so far I've only managed to rope in Dean and Jelson,

so that probably wouldn't look great. No.

Probably not, no. No. Oh, my godfathers, Paul,

they're absolutely amazing! What's that, Mum?

Oh, my God!

The Valentine flowers you got for Rachel!

Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, they're pretty cool, huh? There's...

Oh, no, they're not mine, mine are over there.

Who are THEY for, then?

Erm, I don't know, the postie just dropped them off...

Oh, they're for Amy, from Maya.

Oh! Oh, my God! That's nice, innit?

I didn't have Maya down as the romantic type. No.

She must be cheating on her, then.

That is the only reason you buy a bunch that big, trust me.

Yeah, hundy P. That absolutely reeks of guilt, actually.

Do you reckon? Letter for you, Paul.

Oh, thanks. Amy! Amy, love!

Where is she?

She's upstairs. Awwwww. HE CHUCKLES

Aww, thanks, babe.

Amy! What? What for? The card. Aww.

Well, I didn't. That's not from me. HE LAUGHS

Really?!

Oh! What's all this?

"To Paul. Roses are red, violets are blue,

"you're too sexy to be true.

"Be my Valentine, love and kisses from question mark."

Oh, my God!

What's going on? ROBIN SCOFFS

I don't know, why are you asking me? I didn't send it.

Well, who's it from? Well, I thought it was from you.

Well, it's not. A bit jelly are we, Rach?

No, not jelly. Not jelly, just confused.

I mean, "Too sexy to be true."

It is confusing, innit?

Are you...?

Are...are you having an affair?

CHERRY GASPS

What?! Because that's what it looks like.

Yeah. Well, are you?

Of course I'm not! Oh, my God!

I could never handle that, Rachel. I'm a terrible liar.

Oh, oh, oh - THAT'S... that's what's stopping you, is it?

I have panic attacks just thinking about things like that.

Of course I'm not having an affair! It's just stupid, isn't it?

Well, are there...are there

any women on your police thing, your training course?

Well, I mean, there's... there's one. Aha! Oh, hello!

No, not "hello", Robin.

The opposite of hello.

Goodbye.

Well, I mean... You know, it's just Zoe,

you don't have to worry about Zoe. Zoe? Oh, OK. Zoe. Zoe. Zoe.

Zoe! Zoe. So you're on first-name terms, then, with Zoe.

Oh, Rach, it is not his fault if she fancies him, come on.

Exactly, thank you. Yeah.

Nor is it hers, by the way. No.

You know, she's flesh and blood,

I look pretty good in my uniform. What can I say?

We work at close quarters, things like this can happen.

It's going to happen. You know,

I always thought YOU'D be the one to have an affair, Rach, no offence.

No, no, me too, none taken.

Oh, I'm not having an affair!

That didn't sound innocent. It IS innocent.

What...? What is it, Granny? Here, look.

Aren't they all big and smelly?!

Wow! Yeah. That puts my box of jelly babies to shame.

Aww. You all right, hon?

Mm. What? Yeah.

What do you mean? Done the dirty, has she? What?

Oh, no. Maya... What's the dirty?

Well, it's, you know...

The Dirty Gerty from number 30.

Exactly. What are you all talking about?

Has Maya cheated on you? Of course not.

OK. Oh, phew. We assumed she'd been at it as well,

from the size of that bunch.

Yeah. Yeah, well, she hasn't, so... What do you mean, "as well"?

Ask your dad. Nothing. She doesn't mean anything.

He has been flirting with someone from his police course.

Oh, Paul! I haven't! I haven't, Mum!

There's a female cadet

who just happens to have the hots for me, that's all!

Oh, my God, what's wrong with her? Oh, ha-ha! Nothing.

And, for the record, I have not encouraged her at all.

The infatuation is entirely one way, the poor lass!

It does explain why you're suddenly so keen to go for a pint...

CHERRY GASPS ..and some crisps after class.

Yeah, yeah, no...

No! That's... That's tactical, actually, I'm thinking ahead.

Zoe's friendly with a few guys from CID... "Zoe."

..so I thought if I get in with them now, then, you know, I can...

Well, I'll have a couple of pints, watch some football... Right.

And they might help me to become a detective once I've trained.

Football? You know nothing about football.

Yeah, I know, I'm just fumbling around that bit.

So you're pretending that you like football. That's pathetic.

Yeah, tragic. Well, it's better than coming home every night

and watching you read your therapy books. Oh, no!

I'm not... I am... Well, it's a big module. I'm doing a course!

And I'm fitting it in with a part-time job as well

so I'm quite busy! Clearly! You tell him, sister!

Clearly. You didn't even buy me anything for Valentine's Day. Oh.

Rach...

That's bad.

Oh is that true, Mum?

Er-r-r-r... I forgot.

..what is...what's your big module, Rach? Yeah.

Um, it's just...

Marriage counselling. Doesn't matter.

Oh, my God, it's just all a load of rubbish anyway, isn't it,

Valentine's Day? No, it isn't.

Yeah, it's just a way to make idiots waste money

on crap poetry and dead plants.

Oh, Rachel, don't be a Valentine's Day equivalent

of Scrooge.

Well... Romance can be very thrifty.

OK, Sue. I mean, just cook him a nice meal or something,

that's what I used to do for Les.

Oh, no, please don't make Dad another beef Wellington,

it was like trying to eat a cricket bat last time.

No, it wasn't! Was it?

A lot worse, actually, Mum.

It was a bit batty, Rach.

Look, don't... Please don't cook me anything, babe, you know?

It'll only be - no offence -

gross.

Er, I am a very good cook, actually. I can be.

Look, just hire my mate, Ugly Chris, Rach. He does home bookings

and he used to chef for, like, Michelin.

That guy, honestly, he can cook the lot.

No, we've got one of Mum's lasagnes in the freezer. You can just defrost

that if you want to make me something nice. Oh, I can defrost

one of Sue's lasagnes - is that all I'm capable of, is it?

Er, best to let me do it.

Yeah, probably. PHONE BUZZES

Oh, hello! There's Zoe now.

Oh! It's not, is it?

No. Of course it's not. It's probably not.

Who is it, then? Um...

No! It's Greg, it's Greg from CID.

Yeah, he wants to know if I want to go over there and watch

the England match on Sunday. Will Zoe be there?

Um, I...I don't know, she's in the WhatsApp group.

- Then, you can't go. - Whoa, Mum!

Steady on, Rach! That's a bit

hashtag controlling behaviour, innit? Yeah. Babe? Yeah.

Mum, you can't really do that. No, not cool.

Well, then, invite them over here to watch it.

All right. Fine. Fine!

Well, just...just promise not to embarrass me, OK? Please.

These people are my mates.

And is it man on or man up?

No, man on and mark up.

Yes. Mm-hm. And what about Man YOU cos that's one as well, isn't it?

No, that's...that's Manchester United. That's not...

You don't need that. How have they not worked out

you hate football yet? I don't hate it.

I just find it inane, you know?

It's not like I have to play or anything. I just have to bluff

my way through the conversation. It's fine.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh! Oh, that's them.

OK, I'll get it. I'll get it. Doorbell! Oh, God. It's my mates!

My mates are here! Please don't say anything.

What? Not in front of your girlfriend?

No...

Come on!

# Eng-er-land, Eng-er-land... # England! Forever!

Hiya, Jeffrey. Greg, how are you? Hello, nice to meet you.

Thanks for having us. The Barmy Army!

Yeah, barmy! The army! Brought some, er, Peter Beersleys!

What...what's that, then?

Beers. You know, Peter Beersley, yeah?

Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah! Where we going? First right. In the house, thank you.

And this is Fozzie. Oh, hi. Where's your telly?

It's... Well, through there. OK. Hi. Thank you. Hello.

And, well, yeah, this is, um... This is...this is Zoe.

Oh, right, you're... Hi. Hi. Hi, I'm Rachel. I'm Paul's wife.

And I'm Sue, Paul's mum,

and this is Sammy with the camera. Hello.

Foden's starting, Jeffrey. Oh, congratulations, Foden.

That's... It's coming home!

About to kick off! Great!

Mm. Huh?

Why do they keep calling you Jeffrey?

Yeah, that's banter, Mum.

You know, it's like the Peter Beersley thing,

there's a lot of banter, so I'm Jeffrey because they...they probably

found that I was a former Olympic archer, so, er,

Jeffrey Archer.

Are you sure they don't just think your name's Jeffrey? Mm.

Is the skank here, then?

Eh? No, she's not a skank!

Don't you dare defend her. You're on thin ice, you are.

Well, no, she didn't...she didn't seem like a skank

on first impressions. England! Hi, Ames, how's it going?

England time! Hi, Robin's weird friend. Dean.

Yeah, I know your name. All right, darling? Oh, snap!

Oh. Sort of. This is the women's team.

Oh. So... I actually like women's football.

No need to say "actually".

No need to say women's.

I...like...

..football.

There you go. Oh, checks out.

England!

Greg! Oi, oi! Here they are. Hey!

Grab a bib, then. Yeah.

All right? Ready to get huge, fellas? Just a bit, just a bit.

Always. It's coming home! It's coming home. All right?

Oh, there's a coffee van and all! Oh, yeah? Is there?

Nice! Now, Paul, I made you some honey sandwiches

and a pot of jelly, just in case you get peckish.

Jelly?! I don't think Michael Owen eats jelly before he plays football.

You're on the bench. It doesn't matter, does it?

Yeah, but even so, can you not use my old lunchbox, please?

I'm not eight any more. All right, then, I'll take it back.

No, no, don't. I mean, I'll have it. What?

All right, babe?

Oi, Sam, make sure you're filming when we're playing, OK?

I've got a bit of a surprise planned. Oh, yeah? What is it?

Huh? Ha-ha! Look at that! Oh, wow.

I'm going to do it as a goal celebration.

That is quals, mate. Yeah. That's pure quals. I know.

What about if you don't score?

Er...

..I hadn't thought of that. Mm.

Oh. Oh, you'll slot, mate.

The Slot Machine? Slotbot 3000?

Don't worry about that. He slots when he wants.

Yeah, slot when you want, mate.

Oh, God. What? I've got honey all down me.

Oh, well, that doesn't matter. It's only on your bib.

Mum, this is not a food bib! This is a sports bib

for the football game. This is my uniform.

Oh, hi, guys.

OK, here we go. You, er...you cool to start off, then, Jeffrey?

Er, no, no.

No, I don't want to play yet, thanks.

What? I'm just going to...

I'm happy on the side bench. OK. That's my position.

That's what "start off" means, Dad.

Oh, yeah, as in I'll start OFF and stay off... Yeah. Right.

..I think cos I'll be the substitute. OK.

What? Not for the whole tournament.

Well, ideally, yeah.

Right, come on, then, guys. Let's do this!

Yeah, come on! Let's go! It's coming home!

Oh, God, you're massively overusing that phrase, Dad.

Yeah, I know I am, I'm nervous. Yeah. Use this one, please, ref!

Yes, football time!

Chez? Cherry! Cherry! Can you just stop selfie-ing, babe? Watch a sec.

Cherry! Man on, man on!

Oh! Keeper! Unlucky, Robin! Don't worry, babe.

Come on, yeah? Cherry!

Argh!

Cherry! Cherry! Cherry!

Argh! No, don't dink it! Go on, Ron.

Oh! Cherry! Cherry, this time.

Oh!

Argh! Oh, Robin!

I leant back, brother. Yes, yes, you leant back.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I'm free! Pass it! Pass it! Please pass it!

Don't pass it! Pass it!

Ah! Suck on that!

Slam, bang. Go on, Zo! Well done. Yes, yes, yes!

Go, CID! You've already got a goal!

Yellows!

It's hopeless. Close him down! Close him down, someone!

Energy. Energy! Right, well, I'm bored now. Yeah? Get tight!

Get... Exactly. Get tight and...

I mean, what was that?

Good ball. Lovely ball.

England! Oh. Er...

Oh.

All right, Mum. That's a bit much. Yeah, I'm eating onion rings, babe.

All right, forget it. Argh! Oh, well, don't... Oh, come on!

Pathetic. Isn't it?

Pathetic. Isn't it?

I mean, they are overpaid idiots, frankly. Yeah.

Lovely legs, though. Mm.

Lovely everything.

Oh, yeah, yeah? What's your type, then, Zoe?

Marcus Rashford. Right.

All day long. I would grind his bits to butter, given the chance.

Yeah. Well, he is too sexy to be true.

Don't!

Do you like older men, Zoe?

Beard, father...

Oh, referee!

Huh? What? Referee? What? What about him?

Well, I'm just thinking about all of, you know, his past stuff.

I mean, get... Bloody hell, get some glasses, ref, isn't it?

Ah.

Huh? Jeffrey, any chance of getting some more Hernan Crispos?

He means crisps, Dad. Crisps! Yeah. Yeah, I've got some canapes coming,

actually... Rach? ..and, yeah, some salmon puffs.

Can't see the telly. Sorry, yeah, sorry for taking up space

in my own house. Do something with it!

Yeah, do something, for good... I mean, score a goal at least.

I mean, why don't they bring Grealish on?

He is on. Take him off, then. Make a change.

I didn't know you were a football fan, Paul? Huh?

Football fanatic more like.

Yeah. Who do you support?

Liverpool, the Reds.

Yeah, my mother's family are from there, so...

Yeah, no, cut me open and I bleed...

..red. Yeah, we all do.

Yeah. Who's your favourite player, then? What, of all time? Yeah.

John Barn. Barnes, John Barnes.

John Barnes, definitely.

Here, you should join our five-a-side team. Oh, yeah, defo.

Keep talking, what's this? Oh, my dentist has got this five-a-side

charity tournament thingy next weekend, so... Ooh! ..if you want to

put a team together, we've only got me and Robin so far. Hell, yeah,

me and Fozzie used to have our own CID team a few years back

until we lost a couple of players. Well, let's reform it!

Jeffrey and I can plug the gaps in CID no problem. Right, Jeffrey?

Just a bit. Yeah, I'd love that. Yes! Yeah, game on! Hey!

Let's do it! Yeah, I should just say, though, I'm not that good.

You know, I'm no Ben Fogle and...

MOBILE BUZZES ..you know, maybe I should be

a spare or something, you know. Sub. Spare? He means sub.

Er, substitute, yeah. Ben Fogle? Yeah. Hey, Maya, can you hear me?

Didn't he play for Everton? I mean... Maya? Oh, hang on,

I'll go outside. If she is doing the dirty, she is well good

at hiding it. Mm. Well, I wouldn't blame him for flirting with

someone else anyway. I have been neglecting him a bit recently.

Do not victim blame yourself, babe!

OK. This is not your fault.

Right, yeah, well, I know, but I shouldn't have forgotten

Valentine's Day. You know, um... Yeah. ..that's a bad sign according

to all the marriage counselling books I've been reading.

Oh, my... Oh, dear. Oh, for...

Yeah, you know...

Oh!

In fact, Cherry, can I have the number of...

..is it Ugly Chris, the chef? Yeah, sure.

Do you know, he is single at the moment as well?

No, I don't want to go out with him. Oh, I thought you wanted to have

a, like, revenge affair.

Er, no, I don't.

And even if I did, I wouldn't pick someone called

Ugly Chris, would I? Oh, no, he's hot, though.

Oh, right, is he? Yeah, smoking hot.

We call him Ugly as a joke because he isn't.

Oh!

Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Is it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I was meant to cook the Wellington thing for Paul

and I do tend to overcook things a bit. You do, yeah.

It'd have to be a secret, though. Of course.

I need Paul to think I made it, ideally, and Amy. Yep. OK.

SHOUTING Oh! Something's happening.

A goal! A headed goal!

Everything all right, Sammy?

Yeah, I think we just scored, Granny. Oh, fab!

Oh, we scored, Amy! A goal. Uh-hm. Off the post and then in!

The post? The bar, you mean? Amy? The bar! Off the bar and then in!

Are you all right, love? Yep.

OK, one more game and we win this thing.

We'll start with the same formation, OK? Narrow in defence,

wide in attack. Keep it tight and talk to each other. Always.

Yeah, let's have it! SHOUTING

It's coming home! Yeah!

Come on, yellows!

Ah! He's done you. Great save, Fozzie.

CID forever! Paul, on you come, mate.

No, I'm all good, thanks. Come on, mate. I'm breathing out my arse

here. No, I can't come on, Dean.

I'm eating my jelly. What?

So... Right. Oh, good effort!

Unlucky!

Man YOU! What? What?

I mean man on. Sorry, man on.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Deano! Oh, Deano.

Oh, and there...and there you have it.

Come on, heads up. It's OK.

Come on, boys.

And girls.

Zoe, sorry.

Keep your heads up.

What did she do, then - Maya?

I know you binned the flowers.

Oh, no, nothing.

Just, they were getting old, that's all.

Oh, Amy, she did do the dirty, didn't she?

No, it's nothing like that.

She just hasn't told her parents about me.

She said she had, ages ago.

Turns out they don't even know she's gay, so...

Do you want me to talk to them?

Um, I think...definitely not.

Because Les didn't tell his parents about me, you know,

for years, and we weren't even gay.

Right.

Why not?

Oh, well... Oh, they were snobs. They didn't want him

marrying a working-class girl from the north, did they?

But it turned out well in the end...

..so give her time.

Thanks, Granny.

Oh! Chez! Chez, watch me. Hang on a sec. Go on, Rob. Go, go, go!

Cherry, eyes on me! Yes, Robin! Hang on a sec. You're in!

Pass it!

CHEERING

Cherry! Yeah!

Cherry? Where are you? I can't see! Over here, Robin! I'm here!

Robin! Cherry! Will you marry me?

Yes! Yes, I will! Oh, babe!

Oh! Oh, no! Robin?

You all right, babe? Up you get, then, Rob!

Oh, Robin. It's like an egg, isn't it? Oh, don't touch it, babe.

OK, so, Robin's not allowed back on for a bit

cos of some woke health and safety concussion nonsense.

Well, in case he has brain damage. That, yeah.

It was a good goal, though, weren't it? It was a brilliant goal

from my fiance. It was a golden goal.

Yeah, so, Jeffrey, you're on. Er...er...hang on.

Um, Greg... No, look, come on, sit at the back with me.

You'll be golden. No. You can do a shift in defence, right?

Um, I mean, not traditionally. Stay tight, hold them up, no shots,

hit them on the counter, OK? Right, er, exactly. And where is

the counter? What? Sorry. You'll be fine.

Right, yeah. Sorry, guys! Guys, I should just, um... I should just

say, um, full disclosure before we start.

I mean, you've probably noticed this anyway, but I am -

how can I put this? - bobbins, sadly.

Yeah, yeah, we're all past our best, mate.

No, I'm not... I've never... I've never actually played it before,

football, is the thing.

Are you winding me up? You've never even played?

Then, why did you join the team, then?!

You're right. Exactly. I shouldn't have done.

I guess I've...I've always wanted to be in the CID

and I thought that being in a team with you now might help.

It doesn't, it doesn't work like that.

No, yes, I know, I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.

How bobbins are we talking? Oh, the maximum.

As bobbins as can be.

I don't think I've ever kicked a football before.

I'm better with my hands, you see. Hence the archery.

Your what? What?

Archery. I'm a former Olympic archer. Oh, are you?

Yeah, I thought you knew that because of the...

Just go in goal, you'll be fine.

OK, yeah, yeah. So, Fozzie, you come out. Jeffrey goes in there.

In goal?!

Yeah. Now. Let's go.

Oh. And I can use my hands, right? I can use my hands? Yes!

And my feet? I can use my feet?!

It's coming home. Nothing fancy, yeah? Just keep it tight.

Go on, Paolo! It's coming home, it's coming home... Good luck, Dad.

..it's coming home.

Come on, Jeffrey! Come on!

Ah! OK, yeah, yeah, that's fine.

Ah! Oh, my God.

Well in, Jeff! Come out! Come out!

All right, good.

Ah! Not too close, not too close!

Well done, Paul, yes!

Nice one, Dad! Well done, Paul!

Well done, Jeffrey.

Who's on him? Who's on him?! Deano!

Good tackle, good tackle. Aargh!

Aargh! Oh, my God, Dean! Dean!

Oh, ref! He fouled me, ref! Oh... You can't be serious!

..he's got the red one out. He fouled ME! It's the red one.

That's outrageous. He fouled ME, ref! Is your face OK, Dean?

Yes, Paul. Of course my face is all right. Well, you were holding

your face. That's everything that's wrong with the modern game, that is.

Is there any way we can...sort this out?

Come on, Paolo!

If you don't save this, we're out.

We believe in you!

You're saving this. Do you understand me, Jeffrey?

Yeah. I mean, I'll try.

And succeed. Sure.

Just pick a side and throw yourself at it, yeah? Yeah.

Come on, Dad. You've got this.

Love you, Paolo!

What's happening?

It's a penalty, babe. Oh, no.

Come on, Jeffrey! Oh, my God, I can't watch.

Come on!

PAUL YELPS

CHEERING

Pick it up, Jeffrey!

Jeffrey! Oh!

I'm sorry!

You idiot! You only had to pick it up, you useless goon!

Don't you talk to him like that!

You've lost us the whole thing, Jeffrey. You big sack of old shit.

Paul! My name is Paul!

Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul...

Sammy, Sammy, help me get him up.

PAUL GROANS Oh, you're all right.

Right in the peanuts!

Oh, really? Come on, brother. I got you, I got you.

PAUL GROANS Up you get.

Goodness. Oh, I need a poo.

Do you want my cold pack? A poo?! Yeah, put them on there. Oh!

Hello? Mum, we're back!

Oh! OK. So, you have to go. Right now. OK, yeah. Just remember to let

it stand for, like... I'll let it stand. ..15 minutes. You'll have to

go out the back. Don't let them see you. I think Dad's out there. Oh!

Agh! Oh, God. OK. No, down here. Out the front. Go, go. Can you run?

Can you run? Quick, quick, quick.

Oh, my God! OK, up the stairs. Hide, hide, hide!

Don't tell them about this. I don't know what THIS is. Hey!

Ah, you're back! Oh, I'm sore.

Oh, my gosh. Great. How did it go? You're being weird.

Why are you being weird? I'm not being weird. We lost.

Aww. And he got a ball to the balls. Oh.

And Robin and Cheryl are engaged. Oh, my God, it's all happening.

And I think it's fair to say Zoe doesn't fancy Dad.

What? Yeah, she couldn't have been the one that sent me that card.

She didn't even know my name was Paul! What card?

Where are you going? Where are you going? The Valentine's card, Mum.

You know, the one that says, "You're too sexy to be true."

No. Yeah. That was from me!

It... What?!

Oh, my God, that's tragic.

Well, I thought you'd figure it out! I mean...

..Mum, you're not supposed to send your son a Valentine's Day card.

That's just weird!

Well, we used to do it all the time, back in the day.

Yeah, it was weird then as well. I'm a grown man!

I shouldn't be eating jelly and I certainly shouldn't be

receiving love letters from my mother! No-one's MAKING you

eat jelly. Well, at least you know he's not having an affair, Mum.

Of course I'm not because I'm a loser. I'm a pathetic old loser. Aw.

No, you're not old, Paul. Not really.

Or a...or a loser! And I won't make a detective, I can tell you that

now. Why are you going upstairs? Because I'm sweaty! Well, I don't...

Maybe come down. Do it later. Change...change downstairs.

The football clothes make me sad. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no.

What's wrong with you? You're acting so weird. I don't get it.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Are YOU having an affair?

What?

No, no!

No? There's a man hiding in our wardrobe, Rachel!

Maybe you WILL be a detective after all, Dad.

Hey.

Hello, there. Don't greet him, Mum!

What the hell's going on?

This is Ugly Chris. He's Cherry's friend.

OK. I mean, that guy's not ugly. No way.

No, he's an absolute dreamboat!

Yeah, no, Cherry calls him Ugly Chris as a joke because he's not.

Tell him.

Yeah, I didn't know she called me that, actually.

Well, she does.

He's a chef, he's making beef Wellington for you, from me.

I wanted you to think I'd made it, that's why he's here

and in there.

Right.

We should probably get it out the oven now, Rach. Yeah, no, sure,

thank you so much. OK. Thank you, Ugly Chris. Cheers.

I'll lay the table.

Wait for me, Ugly Chris!

Sorry.

You are not a loser.

I mean, you won me, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks, babe. I love you. I love you, and happy Valentine's.

You're both way too dull to have an affair anyway.

Yeah, that's true, that's true. Yeah. And I did win

the Men's Archery Field Championships in 2007, so...

Yep. Come on, Sammy. It's coming home! Huh?

Let's Go by The Routers

# Let's go!

# Let's go!

# Let's go!

# Let's go!

# Let's go!

# Let's go!

# Let's go!

# Let's go! #