Original subtitles

MUSIC: California Soul by Marlena Shaw

This programme contains strong language from the start.

Fabulous.

Here I am!

Ready to take on this goddamn town!

And ready to take on the worl... Hey.

What have YOU come as?

# It's all in the air You hear it everywhere

# No matter what you do It's gonna grab a hold on you... #

Oi!

Ooh!

Woo!

Bolton, baby! I'm back!

Shit! Where's my suitcase?!

# Like a sound you hear That lingers in your ear

# Ohh... #

Shit, it's this way.

Oh, thank God.

Oh.

I've got it.

Oh, right.

Fabulous.

Right...

SHE GRUNTS

Uh...

Buh-buh-buh.

Right...

God...

SHE SIGHS

Hello-o-o-o!

Aha! Rob.

Hey.

Brenda. She needs a bit of TLC.

Man, that is fucked.

What did you do to it?

I might've left her outside a pub for six months.

CLATTER

Yeah. You're going to have to chuck it.

Oh, poor Brenda.

I've had her years.

But, do you know, this is good?

Because the thing is, just cos I'm coming back

doesn't mean I'm going backWARDS. Yeah.

New bike, new me.

It's time to say goodbye to Brenda.

Right, I need something cheap, practical, lightweight...

ENGINE ROARS, SHE SQUEALS

I'm back, Bolton!

Oh! EXCITED SQUEALING

THEY WHOOP AND SQUEAL

Oh-h-h!

THEY WHOOP

BOTH: Ooooh!

Oh! Oh!

Aww! Aw! Aw!

Oh, bloody hell.

What the bloody hell is that?!

That's Julie.

After Walters.

She's fabulous!

What are you like? Come on, you.

DOOR CLOSES

You been on the wine?

You look knackered. It's not the wine -

it's the sulphates IN the wine.

Oh, yeah. Oh, hiya, Jim, are you all right?

He's very good.

Look at him, look how he's flourishing,

with my love and support, since your mother left.

You see that pale jaundice look he had when he first got here?

It's almost gone. Mm.

Spam.

Oh, no, it's doing him the world of good.

I told you it was healing, didn't I?

We're actually very compatible living companions.

You see, it's not like living with a man with Jim.

It's more like living with a cat.

You know, he doesn't speak

and he just flops around on different bits of furniture.

Spam sandwich?

No. Never.

I've made you one. I said I didn't want one.

QUIETLY:

Alma, you've got to help me.

What, er...what do you mean?

I'm trapped. Eh?

She won't let me call your mam,

I'm not even allowed to use me own kettle.

Give this letter to your mum when you see her.

OK. What are you two wittering about?

Nothing.

Aww, thank you. Mm-hm. Bleurgh!

Can I pinch a fag?

No, you can't.

I've quit. I puff on these now.

Eh?

You get the same catharsis as a fag,

with no harm and a fun little noise.

TOOT!

That's too ridiculous.

Oh...

So, come on, then, how was it?

I'm not going to say this to Grandma,

but the tour was shite.

Thespians are actually quite irritating.

VOCAL EXERCISES

They treat their vocal cords like pets,

and are the kind of people who can eat half a KitKat

and save the other half for later.

For a posh theatre company, getting in diverse talent

can be quite useful.

And my staring role in this mighty production...?

Tree number two.

In the silent forest of diversity.

So, on the night they invited a load of agents,

I went for it.

The wind whistled in the trees.

SHE WHISTLES

To be fair, I was a fucking fabulous tree!

That last show we did was packed full of agents.

I'm telling you now, come Monday,

my phone's going to be ringing off the hook.

Bring-bring. Bring-bring.

TOOT-TOOT!

Woo!

# Hey, can you feel it?

# The way it sways you

# The hum in your chest

# You make my feet move

# You turn my head loose

# That's why I love you the best. #

SHE SNAPS FINGERS RHYTHMICALLY

Sorry to bother you again, Claire.

I'm just very aware, er, that my visit was at 10am

and it's now 10:45. Well, they said they'd be here soonish.

Just take a seat.

Right. Yes. Take a seat.

Yeah.

The thing is, I'm just not really a sitter like that,

do you know what I mean?

I'm more of a bobber-up-and-down, a mover-and-shaker.

I've never been a....

You know, some people can just...

Not me. I've never been.

But, yes.

I did try and meditate once.

A disaster.

Never try and relax - it's very stressful.

DOOR BEEPS

Alma for Lin Nuttal.

Oh, thank God, yes.

Fabulous. Follow me. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you, Claire.

What's YOUR name?

And I've just never been able to relax. I really haven't.

I think that's probably why I smoke because I can't sit still.

I can actually watch the telly stood up.

My whole family are the same. Very fidgety people.

We do not relax.

Do you know, I took E in my 20s?

And it had a surprisingly mellowing impact on me.

It was like Ritalin for me, Michelle, honestly, it was fabulous.

I think it's because everybody's chemically different, aren't they?

But I have a very unusual reaction to milk.

It's like essential oils - we're all drawn to different ones.

You know, if you sniff an essential oil,

the one that draws you in is the one for you.

I'm a eucalyptus girl.

But who are you, Michelle?

Anyway, do you know what? I'm babbling on at you, aren't I?

Am I? I've enjoyed our chat.

Oh, well, you have a sniff of some essential oils,

I'll be intrigued, Michelle,

to find out what's your thang.

Thank you.

Hello, Mum!

Oh, you're back, are you?!

Welcome to the guinea pig fucking farm.

The guinea pig you have selected today is not in the mood to play

cos she's too busy gnawing her arm

and the wire cage that she has found herself in.

I'm a hamster on a wheel.

Ooh, in her own habitat!

Watch the little hamster running round on her little wheel.

And maybe then feed a seed through an old toilet roll tube...

Because my mum did a runner from Grandma's,

breaking her hospital order,

she was arrested and ended up on a medium-secure ward.

I'm not supposed to be here! I'm sane!

I'm sane as a fucking goose, for fuck's sake!

She's not the only one who shouldn't be there.

There's the lovely young Goth, whose only crime was hurting herself,

Mad Sue, who I hear had started stealing people's cats

and pretending they were her own,

and a woman called Kenny,

who wears a bob hat all year round

and has a penchant for throwing cold baked beans at people.

Mum was considered well enough to leave -

as long as they could find her somewhere to go.

Which they didn't.

So here she is.

So you can keep your emotional willow balls

and your happy fucking hay of abandonment!

Well, it's nice to see you too, Mum.

Right, I've got your bits -

I've got your sage, your thyme.

I couldn't get frogs' legs.

Er, so I got you anchovies.

Oh. I mean, what do you want all this stuff for anyway?

I've got very into witchcraft.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Oh, that feels healthy.

You know you're banned from all that.

What do you mean, banned?

Some people are very intimidated by my cosmic power, Alma.

Right.

And what does that mean?

Turns out, Mum was trying to cast a spell on a support worker.

It wasn't Mum's cosmic power they were scared of -

more a convicted arsonist with a lighter.

DOOR BURSTS OPEN

Next minute, she's in the restraint position

and the staff had called the police.

You can't have this.

Eh? Why?

What's wrong with a plant for her room?

Health and safety.

How's a domestic plant a health and safety risk?

It's just hospital policy.

They can hide a lot of cruelty behind the word policy, Alma.

Don't worry.

I'll get her later.

Well, that feels sensible.

Hey, I've got a letter from Jim for you. Oh!

Right, so, what's the plan? How are you getting me out of here?

Mum, I can't just get you out, can I? It's a process.

And you just need to focus on getting well.

This isn't a place to get better, Alma.

This is a place to get worse.

I'm scared, Alma.

I never know what's going to happen next here.

And the staff...

Well, let's just focus on the positives, yeah?

I mean, your unescorted leave starts on Friday,

so I'm thinking we hit the charity shops...

Ooh, wippy fucking doodah!

I can leave the ward for an hour without a baby-sitter!

I can get as far as the charity shop! Ooh!

And then I mince back with my sad little bag of second-hand trinkets,

just to get them confiscated.

This is for you.

It were Mad Sue's but she's got too fat for it.

She tried to charge me a tenner for it.

I said "Sue, you're a beast and you're never getting out of here,

"I'll take it off your hands as a favour."

Yeah? Mm...

Nah.

It actually looked better on Sue.

Oh.

Right...

Come on, agents...

Ring.

What would you do, Julie?

Right.

OK.

RINGING TONE

Oh, hello there! Er, hi.

My name's Alma. You actually came to see me in a play on Friday.

RINGING TONE

Oh, hello, you came to see me in a play.

I was the tree.

The...the tree?

Yeah, we were right at the back to the left.

Well, it's stage right, in't it? But we were right there.

Yes, I was the tree.

Yeah, no, there were trees.

No, I understand it wasn't a speaking part

but it was actually very, very physical.

Yeah, it was VERY physical.

I was knackered.

No, I didn't have any words, but I-I did whistle, actually -

very well.

You probably don't remember the forest

because we were doing so well as trees -

but we were there.

Hello?

Oh, great...

Luckily, I've got another vocation to fall back on.

SLOW, FUNKY MUSIC

Well, that's why you don't make your own glory hole -

it's dangerous.

Mm.

I'll call you back, Pete.

Ruby, is it? It is.

Thank you for seeing me. Well, I'm only seeing you

to tell you it's a big no. Oh!

It's a small little industry, doll.

And you're blacklisted.

Am I?! Why?

Well my old pal Rayray says

you're unreliable,

unprofessional,

you compared one client to a pug,

you regularly ate two puddings on a dinner date.

Is that bad, is it? You arrived late, on a bicycle,

to see a client more than once.

You therapized several clients,

to the point where they dealt with their mother issues

and didn't come back.

And do you remember your resignation?

Take me off your books and forget you ever knew me, Rayray!

I'm off to become a star.

And if you DO try and sell my story to the press, I will sue.

Adios!

So it's a no, isn't it?

Definitely.

Yeah. OK. Well, thank you very much.

Bye. See ya.

# Waaaaaaa! Be whoever you wanna be

# Do whatever you wanna do

# Be whoever you wanna be

# I'll be there with you

# Be whoever you wanna be. #

Oh, my God, she's back! And she's got new wheels!

THEY SQUEAL EXCITEDLY

BOTH: Aww!

THEY BABBLE

BOTH: Oooh, ooh!

Woo! Woo!

Uh-uh-uh-uh, ooh-ooh-ooh.

Ishka manda! Ooh!

Bill, get us some Cheeky Vimtos and bring 'em to the office.

Office?! Hoo-hoo! Woo!

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Fabulous.

This is incredible. I know.

Who knew a vajazzled lorry that served Cheeky Vimtos

was what Bolton was calling for? You did.

A lot's happened to Leanne since I left.

She read an eye-opening book...

LEANNE GASPS

The existence of my clitoris IS proof that God loves me.

..then started saying things like...

There are so many people in the world that I want to meet

and sleep with, why should I settle for one?

I'm not a slut. I'm an anthropologist, Alma!

Monogamy's like a human tattoo.

I don't want a human tattoo.

You're supposed to love one person until they cheat,

die or join a cult.

Why?! Then one day...

We didn't like this old milk, did we?

Shall we try another?

She walked out of her Friday big shop

and never came back.

She found herself on some VERY wild adventures.

And in a game of strip poker one night...

..she won herself a lorry...

Lush.

..did it up...

..and turned it into the most fabulous hot-spot in town.

Which wasn't great for Bill.

He works for HER now.

Oh, it's nonstop, though.

Nonstop?! I haven't seen you bloody start yet.

She's just prancing around with these bloody things.

Back to the sandwiches! Yes, boss.

Cheers.

Cheers.

So what's going on with you, then?

Well, er, I've blown all my money on a moped - fabulous, though.

And I'm so unemployable that I can't even get a job as a prostitute.

But I will not be defeated, Leanne!

I didn't want to work as a prostitute anyway.

The night shifts are too much,

the dayshifts are too weird.

Any man who needs to shag a prostitute on his lunch break

is not somebody you want to get involved with, trust me.

I'm fucking glad you're back.

I'm glad I'm back. Cheers

HORN BLASTS

Woo!

HORN BLASTS

I do need to get a job, though. Mm-hm. Mm.

Right, now, everybody, do this.

And you've got to streamline your lives.

Just try your best. That's it.

If you can. That's good.

You're doing very well there. That's it.

Really let go of all your inhibitions...

Hello, everyone!

Hello, Alma! Oh!

Listen, this is just a flying visit from me, post-tour.

I can't stop. I've just come to offer my skills

as a professional actor. To Ian.

I was thinking maybe I could be his assistant or...

Where is Ian?

He's in Las Vegas.

Eh? Didn't you hear?

He did an angry video about his ex-wife online.

And everybody thought it was a sketch.

Got retweeted by LADbible.

Oh? Then there was the podcast, Funny Angry Men,

he did a stand-up tour,

then, hey pesto.

Now he's an international stand-up comedy star.

Wow.

Blimey.

All that in six months?

That's the power of LADbible.

Mm.

Do YOU need an assistant, Lesley?

Oh, um...

Hey.

Oh.

Brian.

Great.

Aw.

SHE SIGHS

Ugh.

Dedicated Monkey Talent...?

# One day, you're gonna have to go on with it

# You're gonna have to live on with it... #

Hello. Sorry.

Can I get two lots of chips, up here, please.

Er, I'm looking for Dedicated Monkey Talent.

Dave? Yeah.

Yeah, he's through the back.

Through the back?

Right, OK. OK, thanks.

Hello. Sorry.

Can I get two lots of chips here?

He's the best magician this side of the Pennines.

Odd... I still don't know where that rabbit comes from,

and I've know him for over 30 years.

Yeah. Listen, Gordon, my 11 has arrived.

Yeah, all right.

Bye, doll.

Alma?

Yes! Hello!

Thanks so much for coming to see us.

Yeah. Thank you for... for having me here, it's lovely.

Yeah. So, let me tell you a little bit about Dedicated Talent Monkey.

So...

At Dedicated Talent Monkey, stars are born.

We birth talent...

..and I sense...

..I sense I could birth YOU.

Right, OK. Is that... that's good, in't it?

I think? So, if you sign with me,

I'm here for the long-haul!

Kenny.

I helped give birth to his baby in the back of a black cab

in 1987.

Right. Yeah.

Well done.

Derell. Green Man.

Green Man? From the Green Man Travel advert.

You...you don't remember? No. You know...

# Green Man Travel is an absolute must

# Our Green Man is the only man to... #

No, I don't...

But it put him through rehab.

Yeah.

Oh.. Just clearing out for t'lunch, Dave. Do you want your scraps?

Tracy, yes, please, thank you.

Wonderful. The highlight of my day.

LOUD CRUNCHING

Oh, they're good.

So, Alma...

HE CLEARS THROAT Who is Alma? Tell me about Alma.

Er, yeah, er so...

I'm a Bolton girl.

With a Helen Mirren energy. Nice.

Very versatile. And, to be honest, I bring something fresh,

something fabulous which...

..I don't think Kenny and Derell do.

You're a spunky monkey, aren't you?

I am.

Now...

..if you sign with me,

there is a role that has come in

that I think you would be perfect for.

Wait, you've got a role already?

Do you know what? Fuck it!

I'll do it. I'll sign.

BELL DINGS

Let's do it!

Wonderful. No, that's great news. Thank you.

So, now, this is a site-specific piece.

It's a sort of like a promenade performance.

Right And you will be playing

an elderly woman who passed away in the 1800s...

Aw, this sounds fantastic!

Do you know, I've been dying to get myself stuck into a meaty,

complex role. Fabulous!

BELL TOLLS, SHE SIGHS

FLATLY: Welcome to Ghouls R Us - the ghouliest of ghoulish ghost tours.

Please follow me.

You'll be playing an 18th century ghost.

Your role is to escort people

in t'ghouliest manner possible round t'tour,

stopping off at each site.

Waaaah! Fuck me!

Just practising.

SHAKILY: OK. Well, nice to meet you.

You'll be given a script. You can ad-lib but please avoid

getting into conversation with anyone

who seems intoxicated.

Dean - playing ghost butcher.

Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you, Dean.

You'll be popping out of that coffin,

when you hear t'Grim Reaper say...

SHE SIGHS

..when you hear t'Grim reaper say...

WHISPERS: Now?

Yes!

Your so-o-oul is mi-i-ine!

Yeah. Very good.

Very, very demonic.

Hi, love. I'm the Grim Reaper you'll be working with.

But you can call me Grimmy.

Ah! Grimmy, nice touch.

I hope you take this a bit more seriously than our last host.

What people don't realise is that we're actually bringing

families together, during promenade.

I'm more than just a Grim Reaper, I'm a family therapist.

All right, Paul, don't start.

OK... Oh...

If, for whatever reason, t'coffin gets jammed again...

Again? ..there's an emergency exit.

You click that button... AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning.

..and roll out of t'back.

In case of a fire, just run.

OK, well, that...

Yeah, that feels sensible, really, doesn't it? Yeah.

But mind t'wires.

Oh, gosh, is that from...?

Right. Probably get a good claim in with that.

Oh, aye. Good.

Good, that's great. Well, this is good.

Good, great. I mean, it's not...

..you know, but it is...

..you know, it's something, isn't it? So...

Yeah.

Boo!

Yeah...

THUNDER RUMBLES

SINISTER MUSIC

No. Shite.

Or...this?

Yeah, I mean, they're both quite unsettling, to be honest.

BELL RINGS Oooh! Our horror seekers! Finally!

Right, Paul, stop titting about.

Shut t'coffin. Good luck.

MOBILE RINGTONE

Oh, God! No.

SHE TUTS

WHISPERS: Grandma, I can't talk. I'm in a coffin.

What? A coffin.

Why? Yeah, don't ask.

We need to talk. Yeah, fine.

I'll bring pasties. Bye. Meat and potato... Bye. ..for me.

God...

SPOOKY VOICES ECHO

CHATTER

ECHOING SCREAMS

Your soul is mi-i-ine!

SCREECHY: Welcome to hell!

Yeah, shit in here.

Definitely you, that. Definitely you, dickhead.

Was it me?

Happens all t'time.

BELL RINGS

Round two.

I feel quite deflated.

DOOR CREAKS

85, 86,

87, 88,

89, 90...

DOOR CLOSES

91, 92,

93... Hello-o-o!

Oh, bloody hell. What have YOU come as?

A ghoul. Don't ask.

Why's Jim got an apple on his head?

Posture. He slumps too much. Don't you, Jim?

Apparently.

Pasties.

Mm? Come on!

There you go.

Here y'are. Is this why you got me here?

No. Just to be a pasty Deliveroo service?

No. I've got something to discuss actually.

No.

I'm not getting into another long discussion

about why you've got five horoscopes.

I do!

I understand the Virgo to Leo thing.

I can even get on board with the ascending to Scorpio.

But you can't claim Taurus and Libra just cos they feel "more you".

Don't undermine what I feel cosmically, Alma.

I've been here before. Who knows what star sign I was in a past life?

Come on, Jim! Jim?

MUFFLED CHATTER

Jim, do I or do I not have a Taurus the Bull energy in the morning?

Mum?!

Lin?! What the fuck are you doing?!

Yes, it's me!

I've come to take him back

because he's mine!

Jim! Get out of that van now!

Right now! Come on.

SHE CLICKS TONGUE

Come on. Ch-ch-ch-ch!

Pss-pss-pss. I'm not a pet!

I'm a person!

Oh. Drive!

ENGINE STARTS

TYRES SCREECH

Oh...

What a clusterfuck.

Oh...

Bloody hell.

Are you all right, Grandma? I thought...

I thought we were having a nice time.

Thought he was happy here.

He's a schizophrenic who's in love with a drug addict.

I mean, who knows what makes him happy?

What the fuck has she done that for?

Alma...

I need to tell you something.

But don't go all flappy on me, like you do.

Why, what is it?

Right, I went to the doctor's...

..um, a bit ago,

and I had my bloods done,

scans.

I've got cancer. Lung.

What? I've got cancer.

Well...how bad is it? What...what... what stage is it?

Oh, God. I'm not getting into that now.

Well, what...what do we do now?

What do you mean, what do we do now?

We don't do anything now. That's it, finished, done.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

The doctor said it was one of the biggest tumours he'd ever seen.

He said it was almost impressive.

I don't think that's something to brag about, Grandma.

I should've been here.

I should've come back.

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, come on. Lighten up.

You look as white as a ghost.

SHE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Come on.

TOOT!

What, you want me to start smoking these now, do you?

Great.

LOW HONK

Come on. It's going to be fine.

You're mad.

TOOT!

TOOT!

SHE COUGHS

TOOT!

# I notice a lot

# The world is a silent place

# Where talking never stops

# Tracing your hand, it all seems so far away

# When our heads are in the sand

# Time is eroding

# But I see the magic in the moment... #