All language subtitles for d.m.o.s03e05.720p.web.h264-skyfire

Society has ended.

There's been a catastrophe

and most of humanity has been
wiped out.

It was bound to happen sooner
or later.

In this post-apocalyptic
wilderness,

six comedians have survived,

and we've given them six days
to rebuild civilisation.

Ooh!

Should be enough.

Prepared's a funny word, isn't it?

Mentally?

Not at all.

Physically?

Not at all.

- Ooh!
- Oooh!

What's the best outcome of
an apocalypse?

It's probably death, isn't it?

We should just call this
the Mitchell dictatorship.

Each day they'll be learning
vital skills...

- Pon de toilet.
- P-pun de toilet?

Pon de toilet, pon de toilet.
Pass it, now.

...and competing for badges.

Some rules are made to be bent.

And I'm here for that.

The skills that I bring to the table

in this setting are minimal.

That does not look good, babe.

I'm really good working with others,
as long as they do

exactly what I tell them to do.

- Chakra the hell up!
- OK.

I always think to myself, what would
David Mitchell do? And I do that.

And then, I hope one day
that he sees it.

♪ He's got a badge to give away

♪ What is the game that we will
all play? ♪

Will they thrive?

I just wanna smash something.

Call me back!

Will they die?

- Ooh!
- Ooh, right in the balls!

The insurance waivers
have been signed.

The cesspit has been dug.

We're ready to go.

This is Outsiders!

Oh, look at the badges.

Ha-ha ha-ha hah!

Did we all hear that?

What was that?

Just a little,
"Oh, look at the badges."

A little, innocuous little...

This... this wind-up merchant!

Wow! I mean, to be honest with you,
Roisin... Yes?

...is sitting there like
the queen that she is.

Holy shit! We've got five, Rosh!

It's the fact we've gone
two days without.

- Chris has stood up. Hold on.
- Hold
on, guys. Hold on. Chris is up.

The shade is gonna be real.

I just want to say,
- today's a new day.
- Oh, yeah!

Combats - what does that say to you?

Ready for combat, bitches!

Did you say "bitches"?

You've been around me too long.

- Morning!
- Morning!

- Morning!
- Morning!

How is everyone?

Very well.
Well. Especially seeing you.

Oh, thank you very much.

That was a very... You had a real,
like, bounce in your step just then.

Yeah, I feel much better today.

- Oh, thank God.
- Your chakras are
truly open, aren't they?

Absolutely. I mean, they're gaping.

- Wow!
- Day five of six.

Penultimate day, and the score
situation is five, four, three.

Wow! You've been practising!

You've got a little zip in your
step, brother. Do it one more time.

David, I've got a confession.

- - Have you?
- Yeah.
- What?

Well, you know I've been wearing
sandals all week.

- Yeah.
- And today I wanted to wear
trainers

because it's meant to be
- a bit of bad weather.
- Mm-hm.

So, I had to go in to your bit
and nick a pair of your socks.

My socks? The truth is,
they're not really my clothes.

I come in wearing my real clothes

and then my real clothes are too
sexy for television.

So, I have to change.

Too hot for TV!

Uh, OK. Ready for a badge?

- Oh, yeah.
- Woo!

Badge one. The Upcycling Badge.

"As you try to rebuild society,

"you may be forced to use

"the leftover detritus of the before
times.

"Some abandoned cars have been
discovered in

"the woods around the camp.

"To earn your Upcycling Badge,

"you must create a new

"and exciting object using parts
taken from the car.

"You'll be helped by our
wandering engineers.

"I will award the badge to
the team whose creation is

"the best improvement to the camp."

No-one knows why
the cars have been left here?

I've noticed them, actually.

Maybe it's just people desperate
for parking.

I thought it was just doggers.

THEY LAUGH

I will leave you to tear
some cars to bits.

- Woo!
- Woo!

Oh, hello! A little Morris Minor,
that's what we've got.

And, oh, we've got a mechanic.
- Hello.
- How you doing?

- Hiya, I'm albert.
- What a stroke of
good luck, finding a capable man

next to this car that needs
- dismantling.
- Yeah.

How bizarre!

- Hello.
- All right, how we doing?

- Good.
- We're doing good.

It's not often you see a man in
the forest with, yeah...

- Sledgehammer.
- Sledgehammer, yeah.

Big hammer,
yeah, that makes me a bit nervous.

Albert, pleased to meet you.

Hi, Albert, nice to meet you.
Hi, albert.

Of course, they're not actually all
called Albert.

They're all called Derek.
Is this your car?

What do you think is useful?

What about if we make a car

that works and get us the hell out
- of here?
- Yeah.

Hub cap with an end.

So, it's an apocalypse, what we
going to do with this thing?

What do we need?

We could make a therapy centre?

Therapy centre reclining.
- A counselling room.
- Yeah.

People could come in and I could
give them some counselling.

I'm not qualified.

I think, I propose we leave exactly
as it is, and we just live in it.

It's got a very nice
hydraulic action.

This is quite therapeutic, just
doing this.

Fair play to them.
Let me have a go.

Hogging the hydraulics.

Has it got an MOT?
Full service history.

What? You know what's mad?

We could turn this around.
- It's sellable, you know.
- I know.

Forget making him something.

We could pop this on Auto Trader and
- do a quick 350.
- Yeah, one time.

Since the teams are doing their
upcycling badge,

I thought I'd have a bash myself

and I've knocked this together using

the windscreen wiper mechanism from

an old Austin Allegro.

It was easy enough
to do once, I've dragged it out of

the lake and removed
the skeleton of the old lady.

Um, so I'll just stir
the teas like that.

And I think they need
a dash of milk,

there we go perfect.

I know what you're thinking.

Six outsiders, six cups?

Yes, I've made myself six cups of
tea.

It really tastes of Austin Allegro.

Oh, oh, that made a nice noise.

Well, what are you going to do
with that, apart from bang it?

Let's make a post-apocalyptic
drum kit.

A Morris Minor drum kit, yeah?

Yeah, we say it together.
What would you want?

What do I want?
And let's see if it's close,

if it's close then we know it's
a winner.

BOTH:One, two, three, hair shop.

Oh, my God! We are so... Oh, my.

I think we should make something fun
with it, a ping pong table.

- Brilliant.
- Really?
That could work.

OK, so how will we do it?

Cut the roof off.
Cut the roof off?

Yeah. Let's do this.

I just want to smash something.

Smash to start. Channel,
channel some energy.

How are you feeling about your ex?

My ex? You know what? He didn't call
me back.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, look at that.
Straight off.

Oh, my God, I'm a mechanic.

Yeah, I broke the saw.

Call me back! Call me back!

I mean, it's hardly base, is it?

I'm exhausted.
You're a natural.

- Far better base drum.
- We could
sample that on a house beat.

Far better base drum.
Far better base drum.

You feeling good?

Yeah, I'm fine.
That's good.

Good work, good work.
It feels ping pongy already.

Actually, I, now I like it now it's
a convertible.

I do.

First, barber's chair.

Yeah. Barber's chair nice,
bit of a view.

Oh, this is the gear stick.
- Yeah.
- Oh, perfect.

Cymbals, you think?

Yeah, we need cymbals.

Do you want me to come drill it in
for you, Albert?

You start it,
and I'll finish It.

Oh, oh, what else can I destroy?

- Bosh, bosh.
- Ha.

People like the radio on, when they
do a bit of work, don't they?

It's 10am on this cloudy morning.
Traffic's looking great.

It's starting to look a
- bit like a drum kit.
- Yeah.

There you go.

I'm going to be deaf as well as
bloody blind at the end of this.

That, that is genius.
Right, I think we're good to go.

Oh, Guz, this is just looking so...
- Look at that. Oh.
- It's wonderful.

Oh, hello.
- Hello, welcome.
- Good morning.

Welcome to J and G's beauty spot.

Please take a seat.
Ooh, lovely, thank you.

- Take a seat.
- Thank you.
Yeah, no problem.

- 0-1.
- Hello. This looks good.

- - Hello, David.
- Yeah.
- Do you like it?

I do like it. Table tennis.

Well done.

That was, that sounded slightly
nicer further away.

So, we offer several services.
Well, look.

You've seen the state of me.
What do you recommend?

I reckon he should go for
the full glam, thank-you ma'am.

- That sounds sexual.
- David...
We can remove...

We are not Alan and Roisin.
- Yeah, no.
- Thank you,

OK, I'm relieved to hear that,
it's just...

Not once are we off to blast
somebody off in the woods, not once.

Seat belt net, very good.

Do you want to come round
and have a go?

I do want to have a go,
I like table tennis.

- Wobbly stool steering.
- Thank you.

Wheel upside down with a bit of wood
on top.

Oh, you made the stool.
We made the stool.

Sorry to be so unmusical

but I find the stool the most
- impressive thing.
- The stool.

And, David, just so you know,

just over here we've actually
- repurposed the engine bay.
- Yeah?

As a place to provide hot towels.

- Hot towels.
- Oh.

If you don't mind,
I'm just going to place

a mildly hot towel over your eyes.
If that's OK.OK, just...

It is actually very mildly hot.

I almost say room temperature.

It's like Wimbledon.

Ah, 4-0.

I like this game.

Ah, bounced weird. 4-1.

- David, I just want to say.
- Yeah.

Your hair? Wonderfully soft.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Oh, that's a nice noise
- of snipping.
- There you go.

Absolutely.

Like a frenzied circumcision.

9-9.

I love table tennis.

Louder seat, louder!

Argh, you win. 11-9.
I hate it!

Oh, yes, that's very nice. Very
tidy, yes.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.

I'll take it.

Um, would it be possible to buy
a box of condoms?

I think that traditionally that's
where one acquires...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah... prophylactics.

Do you have any?

This is a good but of drumming.

The trouble is one of the key
reasons more primitive society

might need drums is to march into
- battle with them.
- Yes. Yes.

And obviously,
to take this into battle,

you need a low loader.
Oh, that will do it.

That will pop right over it.

You could just tie it on with that.
Thank you very much.

Nothing's going to get
through that.

Oh, his jacket, his jacket.
Have a wonderful evening.

Lovely.
Big old elephant dick.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you, Sir.
- See you again. All
- the best.
- I felt so bad.

I nearly suffocated him when
I was rubbing him from behind.

Let me tell you something,
the fumes off that engine,

I'm surprised it didn't kill him.

Oh, hello. More antics coming up.
Ooh, antics.

Right, next badge.

There just aren't
going to be enough people for us

to fall out with each other in
a post-apocalyptic world.

So, good interpersonal skills are
going to be important.

To earn your couples therapy badge,

you must resolve any conflict or

underlying issues in another
Outsider team's relationship.

First, you must decide on one person
from your team

to play the role of counsellor.

You will then meet your clients

and will need to identify
the core issues

and respond to specific grievances.

The team that offers the best advice

and successfully manages to repair a
relationship win the badge.

I should point out that in

the entire history
of Western relationships,

this is a process that has not
succeeded on one single occasion.

Um, David? In the spirit of this
badge... Hm-mm.

...and in a bid to repair
our relationship... Yes.

...can I just say sincerely,

I'm sorry I told you to get fucked
- yesterday.
- Thank you.

But it was great, I mean it was,
yeah, she's so... That's...

I'm glad you said that, Laura.
I haven't been able

to... It hasn't been sitting right
- with me.
- Did it not sit?

Yeah, I've been... On edge?

Were you glad she apologised or...?

I'm glad you apologised. I thought
it was,

I thought it was so...
David, I couldn't believe she spoke.

All right, we don't have to put the
- boot in.
- No, no.

I appreciate the apology but also, I
- didn't mind.
- I thought you liked it.

You know, I think that's a bit of
robust, uh, abuse in the workplace.

And I mean that in terms
purely linguistically,

I think can be a healthy thing.
It's like spicy, innit?

We can be too quick
to not slag each other off.

I don't know how this is
going to work.

Fuck you! For example, that's...

Thank you very much, I look forward

to observing your attempts
to help each other.

Thank you very much.
All the best, David.

- Cheers, Dave.
- All the best.
See you later.

She looks like a therapist,
doesn't she?

She does, but not
a therapist I would trust too much.

I suppose I'm paying for this,
am I?

Fat chance, the first for all, the
couples therapy.

It's like a date.

Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.

Thank you for your time today.
Thank you for your time.

- Happy to help.
- Oh, look.

But you got to be more formal,
it's our therapist.

Oh, sorry, good afternoon.

- Guz, Judi, how are you?
- Hello.
- We're good.
- Very nice.

I'm Roisin, this is Alan.

- Doctor Love.
- Doctor love?
Doctor Love!

So, just a few things we'll run
through, just

because it's our first time.

Welcome... welcome
to your first,

hopefully not your last session.

Mortgage to pay.

It's an hourly rate,

is money a concern at all
- for both of you?
- No.

OK, just checking.

Nowadays, the vogue seems very much
that it's important

to express your feelings

and not bottle them up
to address what,

what it feels like inside
rather than just, you know,

tamp it right down
and never really take it on.

Which I think there's something
to be said for,

because it can be very painful,

The process of talking through

the terrible things that make you
feel unhappy or why it is that your

brain makes your day so unbearable,

and you could just sort
of push it aside

and talk about that at some point in
the future.

And, you know as a theory,

not don't say you'll never talk
about it.

Just say not today,
not today, not today.

And then one day you'll die

and then you've never had
to address all that.

I feel the same about descaling
the kettle.

Imagine if you descaled
the kettle and then you died

and you're dying thinking

"I just finally fucking got around
to descaling the kettle,

"which I reckon I never really
needed to do.

"And I've done it now
with 60% of my last hour!" Mm?

So just push it aside. Never do it.

What brought you here today?

To prove how good we're doing.

Yeah. For research,
you two, you're winning a lot.

Yeah, we got some real amateurs
we're up against.

Amateurs...

On a scale of one to ten,

how happy are you in
your relationship?

I'd go for a good solid nine
and a half.

And that's not to say
I don't feel like it's a ten.

I just feel there's always room for
improvement,

because we've got that winning

mentality and that's why
we're here.

You'd go nine a half?

All right, well, go on.

Yeah, nine and a half.
Thanks.

Guz,

imagine I asked Judi

the three best things she liked
- about you.
- Yeah?

What might she say?
Number one,

I think she likes that before
I release wind,

I'll announce it to Judi, and I walk
quite far, but it's loud.

Yeah, so I don't have
to swallow it.

Yeah, but then, if the sound goes
like and she quite likes that.

You know, you assume someone of my
size would be...

...but my ones go...
She quite likes that.

- - It does, yeah.
- I've heard that.
- Have
you heard that?

And I thought it was a bird
the whole time, the whole time.

That's my arsehole, that's my
arsehole.

What other badges have you won?

Uh, I can't remember.

Can't remember, doesn't really give
a shit.

Nine and a half.

All right, I know,
OK. What do you want, then?

Go on, you tell him, then.

Go on, no, if we're here to be
honest, you tell him.

What's your real number, Chris?

I feel like that wasn't your real
number, what's your real number?

Nine and a half.
- OK. Do you fight often?
- Chris?

Can you go first?

And this. All right,
there you go. Do you know what?

There you go. You're good, you're
- good.
- Do you fight often though?

I just.
I just want you lot to understand

the importance of your
foundation together.

Things that you should do,
things you shouldn't do.

Like both wear denim.

It's linen, it's linen.
It's dirty linen.

If that's what Primarni told you...

Now, this might be
a little trickier,

but I'm going there.

We're here to leave better than we
came in, are we not?

Yeah, no, I agree.

Judi, I want you to imagine I ask
Guz how you could improve.

What might he say, do you think?

Cat amongst the pigeons,
I accept that.

You gone say,

this is the opposite
of your necklace. This is major.

Yeah.

Listen, nobody said it was
going to be easy.

How does that make you feel?

Sorta sleepy.

You've got a good voice, you should
- do audiobooks.
- You know.

Very soothing.

You'd get someone to confess
to killing a man.

I think he would say...

In the morning,

I need to draw my eyebrows on much
harder than I usually do,

because by at the end of
the day they're fading.

And here's a final question,

Laura, what's your partner's most
irritating habit?

Oh, it's...

It's, he could... I don't think
Laura's got an answer for this.

I have, I have.
Should I tell you what it is?

- No, I don't think.
- Ssh, should I
tell you what it is,

other than this.

I don't think you can...

I don't think really think
you've uh...

I mean I see what you're doing.
I don't think you should...

He, if he's not... If I'll have...
She doesn't know, Alan.

Would you ever fucking stop?
Would you ever fucking stop?

How many times does she need to tell
- you?
- Five days of this.

She doesn't know.

Five days of this, I've had.
- OK, Chris.
- No, no, no.

What's Laura's most irritating
habit, Chris?

She talks over me.

What beautiful answers from both
of you.

That is beautiful. She's having
a moment, I see that.

I think that's the end of
the session.

Thanks, Dr Love.

See you next week.

See you at the bus stop.
Bye, Dr Love.

Oh, let me... I've written a lot
of shit about you two in there,
let me take this with me.

- - Get out of here.
- Thank you.
- You're
- welcome.
- All right. All the best.

They are so full of shit.

The layer of bullshit was
impenetrable.

And I hope this has helped you both.
Thank you for your time.

Yeah, see you later.
Thank you.

She's left, Chris.
Do you want me to help you out?

Yes, please.

Now that the Outsiders are
restarting society from scratch,

they've got the opportunity
to remove some elements

of our world that they don't like.

So, in order to earn their
exile badge,

I've asked them
to decide what behaviours,

actions, occurrences, trends,

etc that they would ban from
the new world.

They've got 30 minutes to discuss
what their biggest pet peeves are.

May, of course, be people who refer
to such things as pet peeves.

The most justifiable grievances win
the badge

and by justifiable grievances,

I just mean what I pick.

What do we want to exile?
What behaviours?

Basic things like BO.

BO's bad.

Three? We only get three?

I've thought of 100 immediately.

OK, give me your first 20.

Celebration of farts,
farting. Loud farting.

I want to keep that.
Oh, OK.

Banned rules for the new world,

seems a bit dictatory.
I think we should just call this

the Mitchell dictatorship.

- Yeah.
- That's what it is.
That's a no-go.

It's like a limp willy, you know
what I'm saying? You just...

I think it is.

Just keep going, eventually.

Noisy easters.

Noisy eaters. Now I'm concerned that
I would fall into this category.

There is not one noisy eater
in this camp.

Unless it's me.
SHE GASPS

David doesn't like procrastination.

The wasting of time.

He doesn't like it.

I'm willing to die on this, I want
to...

I'm willing to be hoisted by
my own petard.

OK.Can I put noisy eaters in?

Yeah. Can we put people who use
the word petard?

I'll petard you, mate.

People who pretend to know
the words of songs

and sing along when
they don't know.

Oh, I find it annoying when people
sing along to songs that they
do know the words.

- Do you?
- You listen to it on the
radio, and they start singing it in
your ear.

No-one's able to say,
"Shut up - you're ruining it!"

Like a little rule-following cretin.

Yeah, cause he doesn't mind when you
break the rules along as it brings
results.

Yes.

People who combine words into
one word.

Is this, are these portmanteaus?

Like chillax, ugh!

P...o...r...

Are you committing this one to
stone already?

I'm doing it, I'm doing it I trust
- you.
- We might come up with
better ones.

It took you a while took you a while
to come up with that babes. It's a
hot day.

People who commit things without
exploring all the options.

Don't make this about us.

People who are so pleased
with how prepared they are.

Oh, yeah.

And they show up and open their boot

and you say something,
anything you need.

They're like, "I got it. I got it."
The pride of the prepared.

This has got a nice ring to it.

Number three.

We should ban any healing...

...that involves water.
That involves wet.

That involves wetting the crotch.
That's what he didn't like.

I think he was...
He never mentioned the face once.

It was when we wet his cock.
Yeah.

Yeah.

Crying video selfies.

People film themselves crying
and put it on social media.

People should be shot.

No risk assessments.

Yeah."Oh, no, can't sit on that
log, you might fall off that."

Ban any healing process that
involves

water and quiche.

Quiche.
How the hell do you spell that?

One, noisy eaters. Two, portmanteaus.

Three, crying video
selfies also known as cryfies.

I knew I'd get you on onside.
Right, OK, you should have said it

with a mouth full of food
and we would have nailed it.

Done.

These will be an easy sell.

- Hello?
- Hello.

Come in.

Hello!

Oh, this is officious.
Good evening, foreman Mitchell.

Big desk energy, sir.

It gives me a sense of status,
which I enjoy.

That fan, is that a fan?
Yeah.

It looks very master-ish
- colonisation-ish.
- Does it?

Fuck it. It's gone.

That's why we like you.
I hate that fan.

Have we met before in this room when
it isn't redone for the evening?

- No.
- What do you think?

I think you look tiny.

Like a sort of wizened evil emperor?

Yeah.

OK, so, what have you come up with?

Noisy eaters.

What sort of noisy eating do you
particularly...?

SHE SLURPS

Oh, that's...

Quite noisy, isn't it?
Yeah, that really puts me off food.

Slurpers, chompers,
munchers. The lot of them.

BOTH: Procrastination.

You wish to excise
procrastination?

Yeah, you're taking the piss.

Yeah, we want them, get outta here.
Yeah.

Get on with it. Do the absolute
necessary as quickly as possible.

- Yes.
- And you're saying that as
someone who is doing

a banter-based comedy show?

Mine is singing along to songs when
you don't know the words.

- Yeah.
- Alan, he just wants singing
along full stop.

- No singing along.
- Right, you
make a very powerful case.

Number two, a rule abiding...
...cretin.

A rule abiding cretin?

You like to bend the rule.

As long as it gets the result.
Yes, me and Judi thought,

"Oh, he's going to be all about
green cross code, lollipop ladies."

- - That's what I thought.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It turns out, if the lollipop lady
needs to smack a kid over the head

because there's a greater good,
you're on that. You're like, yeah.

- Absolutely.
- You know what I
mean? Let's get on with it.

When it comes to the
post-apocalyptic thing.

Uh, next one, please.

The use of modern-day portmanteaus.

Two words smashed together.

I think he knows what they are.
He could have been thinking of...

- - Chillax.
- Ooh.
- Chillax.

Uh, Brexit, is that one of the...?
- Oh, absolutely.
- Absolutely, yeah.

"Hey, hey, you're not my momager."

- - Momager?
- Yeah.
- I've never heard of
- that.
- I knew that would get you.

- I knew that would get you.
- Yeah,
- horrible, isn't it?
- Oh, momager.

"Can I speak to the momager,
please?"

Well, it's more those...

Sort of the person responsible for
this hotel who will also be sort of
a mumsy figure for me?

You know..."May I suck on the teat
of the momager, please?"

That's getting worse.

"There's no fresh milk in my room.
I require the momager's breast."

Uh, the pride of the prepared.

The smugness of people who thought
- - of everything.
- Yeah, yes.
- Yes.

"I've got it all sorted."
People who get Christmas ready in

November or people who
have everything...

That! Oh, yes, planning Christmas
earlier and earlier.

Why don't you just plan all
the Christmases.

- That's it.
- I tell you what,
why don't you buy 20 Christmas
presents for your aunt

for the next 20 years and then book
your own fucking grave?

That's it.
What's the third one?

Crying video selfies.
Now, we all cry.

- I don't.
- OK, most humans cry.
Eyes get wet, rolls down your face.

Then they think, "I know, content."

- Yeah, yeah.
- I think dummy David's
- cried more than David.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I've made dummy David cry.

Number three, undertaking
water-based healing practices

which moisten the crotch,

meanwhile eating quiche

and watching dummy Dave

in the forest naked - bitch.

Right, lots to unpack there.

- Risk assessment.
- Alan lost the run
of himself. He wants no rules.

We want an end to restrictions
of... Yeah, yes.

...planning your elements of risk?

When you buy a parachute, who knows?
That's it.

JUDI:Would you like this?

Um, yes, please. Thank you.

And have a wonderful day.
Thank you,

I'll see you later in this very tent

when they'll have moved
the furniture around a bit.

Undertaking water-based healing
practices which moisten

the crotch, meanwhile eating quiche
and watching dummy David

in the forest - bitch.

I think there's a missing nude
there,

but I don't think it would
necessarily make it much

more comprehensible.

I'm going to win up this place.

Are you not in it to win it?

Whoa. One or four, one or four.

ROISIN:You've got like, prison
etiquette.

Do you know what? I'm going to go
four on four. Four, four, four.

ALAN:Four, four? Let's do that.

Go on, Guz! Go on, Guz!

POW!

- Ooh!
- JUDI:He's got a blank, Chris.
He's got a blank.

I'm firing blanks.

You came with a two, yeah?
All right, then.

All right, all right. I'm going to
stand up for this one.

ROISIN:Oh, no, get ready the table,
she's about to go.

ALAN:Hold on to your belongings.
ROISIN:She's about to go full Tony
Soprano.

CHRIS:International dominos here on
Dave.

ALAN:Absolute carnage.

CHRIS:Somebody played this game
once and it made him want to open
a pizza shop.

Guz, did you miss the gunshot that
Alan just gave you?

POW!

You know what they say back home?

They say Alan said, discount.

That's the sound of
the gun - discount, discount!

Discount?
Discount, discount!

Price gun, price gun.

Judi Love, stop procrastinating,
- it's you.
- What, what?

Never, I never miss a ting, yeah?

My eye is on cause its bling, yeah?

Don't start with me as
I'm rubbing down my thighs.

Ready to give you
the number six in the mix.

ALAN:Oh, two, two either end.

- Is that right?
- ALAN:Yeah.

JUDI:Four or two.

Pick up.

Then I'm going to go to the one I
hid under my leg from earlier.

ALL: OH!

Turns out...

I'm in the lead, guess what bitches
Dominoes no more!

Please be upstanding for
the Outsiders national anthem.

Oh, here we go.

♪ We're the outsiders,
not the insiders

♪ And we want to come inside
your heart

♪ We're the Outsiders, not the
insiders

♪ And we want to come inside
your heart. ♪

Outsiders, I want you to
come inside my tent.

It's the end of the penultimate day

and the Outsiders have upcycled
some old bangers...

Oh.
...tarnished the therapy industry...

I suppose I'm paying for this,
am I?Fat chance.

...and acquired a taste
for dictatorial power.

I think we should just call this
the Mitchell dictatorship.

But which Outsiders have done
enough to win a badge?

Outsiders, hello,
it's the end of day five.

Oh, we've had a great day.

We're in a five, four,
- - three badge situation.
- Woo!
- Classic.

Badge one, upcycling badge,

you had to go into the woods
and find an abandoned car

and build something better
for the camp.

So, Laura and Chris,
what did you do?

We made a drum kit.

Right. Now, I think we might
have a picture.

- There we go.
- There we go.
ROISIN:Oh, it looks great.

I played the cowbell brilliantly.

He made a hell of a sound out of it.

He was blooming good
I've got to say that.

And you had a go,
he made it look easy.

Did I not make it look easy?
I made it look difficult.

- You struggled.
- I made it sound shit.
Yeah, that's...

But you enjoyed it, didn't you?

I did enjoy it,
what do you think about that?

- Terrible racket.
- ROISIN:That is an
absolute nightmare

to put into a camp.

I don't want to listen to them wang
on for the rest of the show.

We're in the middle of an
apocalypse, and they put a drum set
in there.

Why is it a nightmare?
Because it's too loud.

But, in fairness,
I'm just being facetious.

It looks lovely
and I think we would miss music, so.

The music brought us all together
yesterday, didn't it?

OK, Guz and Judi. You two...

- Yeah?
- Probably stood up too quickly,

you created a barber shop.

ROISIN:It looks beautiful,
I would get my hair done there.

Thank you very much.
Well, I got mine done there.

You said Hitler, but looser.

"Give me Hitler but in the wind."
Hitler but camping.

LAURA:Camp Hitler.

Hitler, when he's just chillaxed.

So, yes, a nice, couple of nice
- chairs to wait on.
- Mm-hm.

There were lots of mirrors.

More mirrors than you could have got
from one Ford car.

We just used what we had,
and there was,

for some reason, 97 mirrors in the
- back of the car.
- Yeah.

Yeah? The man
out of nowhere who said

at the end of his hair treatment,
"May I have some condoms?"

is the one we really
need to talk about here?

OK. Why do you think I said that?

Because you was so relaxed.

ALAN:Something for the weekend.

Exactly something for the weekend.
It's a thing.

Oh, it's an old people thing.

In the context of a barbershop,

the comic cliche is asking
for something for

the weekend,
which is a euphemism for a condom.

Can I ask you, David,

before you got
to that blood rushing point?

Blood rushing urgently
to my bellend when I was at work,

that is an accusation I...I
will not wear.

OK.ROISIN:I've never heard anyone
put the emphasis on bellend,

like that. "Bell-END."
Bell-END.David, can I ask, how,
how... how was the experience?

He said it like Bel-air, didn't he?

ROISIN:Like it's a city,
like it's a city in Belgium.

"Ever been to Bell-END?
It's gorgeous."

"Where's the ferry docking?
Bell-END."

The real question is how was
your experience?

It was, it was, uh, it was nice.

He asked for johnnies,
he had a great time.

Alan and Roisin. Well, look,
let's look at what you made.

Oh, a ping pong table.

It is a table tennis table.

- Oh, nice.
- Can I just say,
the wood you've used,

that pallet could be on top
of anything, the car's irrelevant?

Say it, say it again, say it again
one more time. Irrelevant.
Irrelevant.

I can feel some criticism.
But obviously you can cut your hair
anywhere in the woods, and you can

- bang anything with a stick.
- You can,
- yeah.
- We had a massage stick.

But you cannot play table
tennis without a net.

The really clever bit of design is
a seat belt across there for

the net and that really was.
Alan? Alan, I stand corrected.

I was very, very pleased with it.

Let's cut to the chase.
OK, Guz and Judi,

I very much enjoyed
your treatment today.

I appreciated the very,
very slightly warmed towel.

Presentationally, it was top notch.

But my feeling is that
there is an extent

to which what you did was take
the chairs out of a car

and just put them in the woods.

I'm, I'm...

I'm never trying to suffocate
a man with my breasts again.

LAURA:It all comes out, dunnit?

I'm...
ALAN:There's a lack of respect now.

It's a comic cliche!

Um, anyway, Laura and Chris.
I liked yours a lot.

Can I just say something before you
carry on?

He's already chosen,
he knows what he's doing.

I don't often play the disability
card, but what they've done is...

Do it... they've created something
that excludes one member of

the camp through my inability to hit

the fucking ball
- when it's coming at me.
- Wow.

And leaves me feeling very alone.
I just wanted to raise that,
David, because you might...

It's a very... it's a very fair
point... not have considered it.

The drum kit, I think, is my
favourite of the three.

- But.
- But it makes an absolutely
infernal racket.

But it's accessible to all, David.
And it's a prototype.

Yes, but it's evadable by none.

That's a bar. That's a bar.
Round of applause for that.

That's a bar, cuz.
- You have the badge.
- That is it.

You keep the badge, you keep it, you
keep it, man. That is a bar.

So, here is my decision.

As an amenity to
the camp that most of the people

in the camp can enjoy,

I'm giving the badge to Alan
and Roisin.

But as the most ingenious
construction from the car,

I'm giving a golden badge to Laura
and Chris.

Sympathy badge. We'll take that.

Well done. Two badges.

There we go.

So, next up the couples
therapy badge.

So, what did you all think of your
therapists, Alan and Roisin?

Thought Judi was
a very good therapist.

She holds silences a lot
and stares at you until you talk.

To the point where you really feel
like you've done something very
wrong.

- Yeah.
- Journalists do that,
have you noticed?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Journalists when they
interview you, they'll ask you a
question then they wait.

- They just stare at you.
- They use the
fact you want to fill silences

because you're a show-off,

and you fill the silences
with things you've been thinking...

That's it... and then they spin that
off with a fucking headline.

"David Mitchell says, 'Give me
condoms' after every haircut."

Yeah. What did you think,
Guz and Judy,

about Laura as a counsellor?

- She was very friendly.
- Wonderful.

We learnt a lot about you two,
about, Guz, your... your farts.

What was the noise they made?

Bongggg...

Because, and the thing is, I don't
know what people expect from me.
I didn't know...

I would've expected... Expect my
farts to be like rrrrap-pap!

A big old-fashioned...
BLOWS RASPBERRY

You know what I mean? No but my...

The way my shphincter is set up,
it goes bonggg.

Shphincter? Shhhhphincter?

They were... I think you were
comfortable enough to reveal

so much about yourselves.

You came in strong,
you went out stronger.

It was very good.
Yeah, yeah. But you...

By the end, you are competing to be
the most supportive of each other.

I mean, slightly unbearable to
watch.

You know, it was so nice. I got, you
know, I felt I was getting diabetes,

but you know...

Well, we're sorry we didn't provide
you with condoms... Hate.

...so you could have a little wank in
the corner to settle the balance.
We're sorry.

I'm a fastidious man, but I do not
require a condom to masturbate.

Uh, Laura and Chris, what did you
think of Alan?

LAURA SIGHS
JUDI SMIRKS

Bonggg...

No, he had... he had
the Louis Theroux thing.

- He made me feel comfortable.
- He
seemed innocent but somehow it was
all really disarming.

And I think we did end up realising

how hungry we are for external
validation... Yeah.

...metaphorical badges and actual
badges. So, all in all, all good.

Well, I think you all did very well.

Uh, but, for me,
having observed you,

I thought the best therapist was,
in fact, Laura.

And got tears out of Judi,
farts out of Guz.

The couples therapy badge goes
to Laura and Chris.

I can't believe this. See you want
it less, you get 'em...

- It's mind-blowing.
- I literally just
got a badge for doing nothing.

Now, the exile badge.

First of all,

all of you had shit third items, OK?

So, I'm just going to fucking
disregard them.

Now, let's look at the one
and twos there.

Laura and Chris, noisy eaters, OK?

I have a theory about
the minding of noisy eaters.

What you're really minding is other
people's existence.

Is there one for procrastination?

Their first one is procrastination.

Now, I think I would like
to ban procrastination myself

and that's why I'm drawn to that.
Thank you.

I love, by the way,

the pride of the prepared as
a thing to ban.

- Yes.
- You know the people who do
things in advance.

Ugh, and they're smug about it.
They've packed everything, they've

got their Christmas presents ready
by September.

Oh, yeah, I don't like them.

They're wishing their fucking
lives away.

- Yeah.
- It's like, let's get next
year's presents, and the years

after, and the year after.
And one day you just fucking die.

So why don't you just dig
a grave and lie in it ready?

- - Wow.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, I like Alan and
Roisin's hatred of

the pride of the prepared.
Just the one.

I also like the number two
from Guz and Judi,

a rule-abiding cretin.

Yeah.

Now, what we have observed
has been that

David actually isn't someone
who's all about the rules.

Follow the rules. Do the rules.

You're somebody who likes to see
a bending of the rules,

if it means the creation
of something fantastic.

I liked... I liked the theft
in the buying of

the breakfast that Alan
and Roisin did.

- - Yeah, yeah, yes.
- Yes.
- I like the
fact that you were happy to arrest

the wrong person just to give
the semblance of justice.

- Yes.
- And Judi... Judi robbed me.

And I liked the fact that
- Judi robbed you.
- Yeah.

Anyway, you're right you've got to
think flexibly

in a post-apocalyptic context.
I liked yours a lot.

What you suggested, you two
suggested at number two,

was portmanteau words.

- Yeah.
- Well, modern-day ones.

- Brexit, Brangelina.
- Momager.

Now, I think if there's no place
for these words,

they will fall out of usage.
But if they catch on,

it's because they make
the language more powerful,

and the users of
the language find them adaptable

to what they want to express.

And with that conclusion?
And with that conclusion,

I am giving the exile badge to...

...Guz and Judi.

LAURA:Agreed.

Agreed.

Beautiful, just beautiful.
Right. There we go.

Ah, OK so,

at the end of the penultimate day,

the scores are Guz and Judi -
five badges.

Laura and Chris - five badges.

Alan and Roisin - six badges.

One final day, all to play for.

Time for me to leave.

Oh, mustn't forget...

Your condom.

Got a bit of an evening plan.

Whoa.

- Whoa.
- You must find a way
of launching me through the air.

You've just got to do
the ACME catapult, surely?

Fuck!

Next badge - election badge.

- - - Good.
- Bye.
- Good.
- Bye.

We would like you to be onboard,
but if you don't,

you're gonna be on board.

This year's Outsiders
champions are...

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