Original subtitles

Society has ended.

There's been a catastrophe, and most of humanity has been wiped out.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

In this post-apocalyptic wilderness,

six comedians have survived, and we've given them

six days to rebuild civilisation.

Should be enough...

Prepared's a funny word, isn't it?

Mentally, not at all.

Physically, not at all.

GIGGLING

What's the best outcome of an apocalypse? It's probably death.

Shall we just call this the Mitchell Dictatorship?

Each day, they'll be learning vital skills...

- - Pun de toilet. - Pun de toilet? - Pun de toilet.

Pun de toilet.

...and competing for badges... Some rules are made to be bent...

...and I'm here for that.

Skills that I bring to the table in this setting are minimal.

That does not look good, babe.

I'm really good working with others

as long as they do exactly what I tell them to do.

Chakra the hell up.

I always think to myself, "What would David Mitchell do?"

And I do that, and then I hope one day that he sees it.

♪ He's got a badge to give away

♪ What is the game that we will all play? ♪

ALL CHEER

Will they thrive? I just want to smash something.

Hold me back!

Will they die? Oh!

The insurance waivers have been signed,

the cesspit has been dug, we're ready to go.

This is Outsiders!

BIRDS CAW

- Does everyone want a crumpet? - Yes, - please. - Yeah.

Judi, do you want a badge with your crumpet? They just give them away.

Oh, wow, the shame!

If anyone's wondering where Guz is, I've buried him in the woods.

Oh, bless you. You know what, Guz is praying, isn't he?

He's having his prayers this morning.

Hopefully he's praying for us to win!

I think he's put a lot of prayers in already.

These are miracles you're getting here.

You are the team who voted, when the only evidence was a boot,

you voted for a barefoot man.

ALL LAUGH

He doesn't look happy this morning, - does he? - No.

- - Hi. - All right? - Oh, hello.

How is everyone?

Seems like we need to be asking... Are you OK?We're OK. How are you?

- What's up, David? - You know, I'm not... not a hundred per cent.

Are you worried the credibility of the show was lost last night

with the distribution of the badges?

- Should be 6-1. - I can't sit here any longer.

The bitterness has infused me. I'm inhaling it.

But look, we've got to press on.

You know, tits and teeth.

First badge. Are you ready?

Today, I find myself with an unspecified illness.

To earn your healing badge, you will need to

devise a cohesive system of alternative medicine,

use it to diagnose my problem, and treat it.

To help me judge this badge is an expert

in the area of alternative medicine.

In fact there's almost nothing she doesn't believe,

apart from actual science.

Former Outsider, Lou Sanders!

ALL CHEER

MUSIC: Music of the Dolls and Waltz from Coppelia

Hi, Lou.

You came flying here like a white butterfly.

I've always wanted a camera to sort of get me gaily skipping.

And they don't do it on QI.

OK, so we need to fix this.

You need to open his chakras, and get his vibration a bit higher.

So, we've just got to open him, and vibrate?

We're going to open you and vibrate? First time he smiled!

He likes... Look at him... I just like...

I think I've won the fucking challenge, don't you?

I just like saucy humour. I have no wish to be entered.

Imagine if the last shot's David, spread-eagle on the table,

with something up his...

- Chakra. - Chakra.

Right up the chakra, yeah.

No particular tips, other than...?

You can't stray into the dark arts.

That's crucial.

But what are the dark arts?

Don't do anything negative, any spells.

I think we've fully explained it, so will you please go off

to your breakout areas, and then

I'll meet you later for my treatment.

We have a dummy David on the table. OK.

To practise... Ooh.

How do we know it's not the real one, and he's just deteriorated?

THEY LAUGH

A bag of crystals.

Oh, I thought you were going to say a bag of crisps.

What sort of treatments have you had in your time?

- I've had the full shebang. - Mm-hm.

If I can pay someone to solve my problems with some crystals

rather than do any serious work...

- Judi! - Oh!

- Oh, my God! I needed you. - I missed - you so much. - Missed you so much!

So, we've got to find something that heals David, right?

I thought about him giving birth to vibes.

As a concept, I'm with you one thousand per cent.

Right.

It's coming out... Where's it coming out?

I feel like this sort of stuff will just wind him up.

- But he'd probably like that. - That would bring him

back to his normal self, wouldn't it?

Shall we just give him some anger - therapy, wind him up? - I think so.

What about if we do chase therapy?

Where we just chase him.

That's really funny. We should get him to miaow when he runs.

Or he could choose an animal, maybe. Baaa!

SNORTS Oink.

Moo!

They're all good. I'd like to chase all of those.

So if he holds himself in the birth position...

Right?

- Yeah. - Yeah? We'll wash the head. Wash it.

Wash the dirty head, right?

Because birth, everything's wet.

It's all... Oh!

He's got to push, though, he's got to...

GROANS Like birth.

- Pleased with that. - OK.

CLUCKS

- Ah... Hello. - Hello, David.

- Hello, Lou. - Welcome to the ritual sacrifice badge.

I'm going to go into the ring...

- Ooh. - Lou, you say who's going to go first.

OK.And then I'm all yours. RINGS BELL

Chris and Laura.

Oh, God, this is a bit... It's not as soft as I hoped.

It's quite loud.

People say there are seven chakras, David,

but there are many, many more unknown chakras.

Last count, 48.

We are going to target several of them now.

OK.Chakra Khan... Let me heal you.

- Let me cure you. - Chakra Khan...

Left knee chakra, Brother Laura.

- What are you doing there? - This is all about opening up your chakras.

If anything, he looks like it's closing in on himself, the chakras.

That's nice, I like that one.

So, why is a chakra better if it's open?

- Chakra the hell up. - OK.

We are now doing our next treatment.

OK.It's restorative.

Gong... BOTH:Bath.

- OK.Laura? - Yes?

Shall we tell David about that WhatsApp group we've invited him to?

- We've already added him. - We've unmuted his parents as well.

What do you think about that, David? Um...

I think you're trying to annoy me. Is that part of the therapy?

- We're just telling you. - If anything,

this is the opposite of what they should be doing.

I believe the Earth is flat, Laura. So do I.

Do you? The curvature of the Earth is a government conspiracy, David.

Yes, that is an annoying assertion, and one that thousands believe.

This is the opposite of what they should be doing.

I don't know what they're doing. It's chaos.

It's spiritual chaos.

All they end up doing is exchanging nonsense,

and backing each other up about their absurd notions of the world being flat.

Our work here is done.

OK, off you fuck. That was terrible.

Listen, we're not going to get the badge, are we?

- We're not going to get the badge. - We smashed it.

- We played by the rules. - But Lou decides this,

and the basic fact is that she believes all this shit.

GONG - Sit on the pillow. - OK.

Different technique this time.

If I fart, I'll give myself conjunctivitis later.

Can't help you with that one. We'll get you a cream for that afterwards.

What are you doing? Are you smoking a turd?

- - A tightly bound turd. - All right. - Bit - of sage? - Oh, I'M smoking a turd...

I thought she was bringing a doobie into the mix,

which isn't... well, it's very Dave,

but I don't think it's very spiritual.

- Contrary to popular belief. - Your hopes and dreams are doomed to fail.

- This is quite aromatic. - And you're never far from toast.

Now you have a beard, you look less like Hitler.

Not that much, though.

Your wife's income can support you both.

- That's a good one. - Oh, that is a good one.

That's the first step. You've got to relax.

We need to find out your spirit animal.

We believe your fears are holding you back, creating these low moods.

So we're going to find your spirit animal... OK, just...

Owl. I like owls. Wisdom and pomposity.

We're getting rid of that. We're getting rid of all of that.

Pomposity. Me and Alan are going to chase your fears away, literally.

Yeah? What?

So we're going to need you to get in that...

The circle, between the two rings of logs.

- Yes. - And we're going to chase you.

Can I...? Do I have to stay in... Yes.

All the while, you have to make the owl noise.

And invade you. IMITATES OWL

- That's our little owl. - Get ready to run from your fears, David.

Go! HOOTS

I've actually never seen him look so happy,

so this is...

HOOTS

This is opening him up.

He's got a lot of fears, he's got a lot of fears!

Have they left you yet? HOOTS

It was like watching a White man in Dulwich village.

Just... At 6am.

- - He loved it. - He was on it. - He loved it, mate.

I got him. I got him.

- Feel better? - No...

Whoo!

It was a mood enhancer, whatever we did.

AS AMERICAN GANGSTER:Well, I put a little something in the sage, see?

SIGHS

Who's next? RINGS BELL

- - Hi. - Hello. - Lie down.

- Please lie down. - OK.

- Just take your shoes off. - OK.Relax.

Relax, relax.

We need you to give birth to vibes.

OK.I feel like there's a lack of that.

- Give birth to vibes? - That's what's keeping you so stiff.

We feel like the centre...

My penis and testicles?

That's why I'm just...

We're talking about the spiritual side of this region.

Yeah, it's where your creativity is kept as well,

so it's a big area for David.

Not mass-wise, but energetically.

- Right. - From whence... Yeah.

- Oh, gosh! - Just launching some crystals at his genitals.

- His head, his head, his head. - What are you doing?

- Agghh! - Waterproof trousers you've got.

- His head. - That's why you've got such bad vibes.

He's wearing waterproof trousers.

Hold your legs, David.

They are not waterproof, because the cock and balls I mentioned are wet.

- So give birth to vibes. - And I have not wet myself.

Agghh! Agghh!

I feel like I might accidentally have a baby.

Close your eyes. Give birth to vibes. We need you to push.

In with the doomwah, out with the doomwah.

- Come on, David. - In with the...?In with the doomwah... Rap with it...

THEY CONTINUE TO CHANT Huh!

...out with the thingummy, in with the doomwah...

Uh, out with the doomwah...

Energy's moving. I've got goosebumps.

- Ha! - Agghh!

Out with the doomwah!

Agghhhhh! Agghhhhhhhhh!

Oh!

How's that?

It's... a movement of sorts.

In with the doomwah, hah...

- Out with the doomwah. - Feel it, David.

In with the doomwah...

We sort of made him all relaxed, and got rid of all his fears,

tried to make him think the world was safe, and then Judi and Guz...

- Just fucked him up. - Just...

Made his day worse.

Let it out, David, with a big shout.

- Come on, let it out. - It's part of me.

- - It won't come out. - It will. - There'll be nothing left if it comes out.

- Exactly. Come on. - What have you done?!

- - Come on. - It's coming out! - It's coming out.

Usually you can give birth to something that is inside you,

but if it's just not there...

Thank you very much for those therapies. I feel very different.

I'm going to debrief with Lou, and I'll see you all later.

You'll never say you feel unwell in front of us again.

BIRD CAWS

BIRD CAWS

OK, so I've got this tool.

This is a scientific tool to see how the teams did.

- What's it called? - Um, a pendulum.

- Oh, yes. - I kept the price on in case I take it back.

- Yeah. - And, OK, see, what you do is you go,

"Give me a direction for yes".

Sorry, you want me to give you that? No, no, no.

That's the pendulum, look - it's going crazy. That's yes.

- You're making it go round. - I'm not! That's the Divine Power.

I don't believe you. I'll hold it. You don't know what you're doing.

OK, OK, look... I'm not fiddling it. You are fiddling it.

No, I'm not. Give me a direction for no.

I'm not doing that. That's the Divine.

OK, so that's no.

Did David feel better after the first pairing?

OK, it's saying... Oh, I didn't expect that.

It's saying you felt better after - the first treatment. - Yeah, I did.

But I genuinely thought the first one wasn't very good.

And so, if I was moving that, I would have gone no.

- And it went yes. - OK.So that's how you know that it's real.

Right, OK.Do you know what, this is so good,

I'm taking off the price tag, because this is not going back.

- It's a keeper. - It's a keeper. OK, so,

the second couple was Roisin and - Alan. - Yeah.

And did David feel better after their treatment?

You're definitely doing it. I can - see you. - I'm not fucking doing it.

You're taking... You're draining my spirituality here.

- You are actually draining it. - What I'm saying... Think I'm doing that?

My fingers aren't moving. It's going like the clappers.

- You've got it going now. - I'm not doing a thing.

- I can see. - Is David a dick?

I am not doing that. It's going a small yes.

- It's carrying on. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I am not doing that.

This is unbelievable. Judi Love and Guz Khan.

Was it a good treatment for David?

OK, that's a new one.

Does that mean no? Because it's just on one axis.

- God, that's all over the place. - It is, yeah.

- It's not sure. - How did you feel? I...

Well, I felt it was uncomfortable,

because they poured quite a lot of water on me.

And I thought I looked like a dick.

Yes.

- Well, thank you very much. - Thank you.

Do you know, I've never been in a cult.

- Haven't you? - No, and it surprises people.

It does surprise people!

It's a question of, you've just got to look around for the right one.

Yeah. I know, I know, it's like finding a new family, yeah.

If you're living in a world of rampant, apocalyptic climate change,

the skills to rebuild and remodel towns and cities will be vital.

So, in order to earn their town planning badge,

I've asked the Outsiders to create an ideal town.

They've got models of the camp - the HQ and the tents -

which they can then convert into their utopian or hellish new town.

This stuff to build a city is really shit.

What local authority nursery did they steal this from?

I've given them an hour to do it.

Which is, you know, just one of those TV arbitrary deadlines.

But they'll still have put more thought into it

than the planners of Milton Keynes.

That's actually a cheap dig.

A lot of thought was put into the planning of Milton Keynes,

which is unfortunate, in fact, in many ways

it's an argument against thinking.

Do you think we'd get the badge if we said it's perfect the way it is?

- We don't need infrastructure. - Doing very little, justifying it...

Are you talking about the Guz and - Judi approach? - Yeah.

Everything is premium.

This is premium rural living. PRL.

- Here. - Block of flats.

Titty bar. I'm going to draw tits on one of these.

And nothing's stopping me.

OK. You do titty bar. I'll do theatre and art gallery.

OK.

He doesn't like health and safety.

Shall we do a playground that's not got any rules?

- That's nice. - That's his rocket.

His Elon Musk stick.

Should we draw anything on it to make it more rocket-like?

- Anything you like. - Might ruin it, - though. - Nothing could ruin it.

Nothing could ruin it!

- The Prayer Lair. - Prayer Lair?

Forward slash, shisha lounge.

Smokey BangBang.

And here we are. We've been upped because of our...

David's off in the rocket quicker than we thought.

That's disappointing. I might have to gaffer that.

I might have to gaffer that is a great sentence.

Bring David in now.

- We've got seconds. - Seconds before the rocket goes over.

Hello. Is this...

Oh, wow.

So, it's a bit sort of Mad Max. There's Titty Twister.

It's a titty bar, which we know you are absolutely... would insist upon.

It's particularly tailored for me? Yes.

This is a play park, and a school that is so dangerous...

- Yes. An absolute death trap. - Yeah, it's a death trap.

There's slides coming down from mountains, going off into the abyss.

- Only the strong will survive. - It's better than that.

- Only the lucky will survive. - Yes, indeed.

The greatest commodity.

- The river... Polluted, maybe. - Oh, you've put in a river!

That will forever be known as the River Mitchell.

I've always wanted to have a river - named after me. - I think you should.

We are all susceptible to vanity and narcissism.

And David Mitchell is no different to the rest of us.

The river Mitchell gave him a boner.

This is the rubbish dump over here. Recycling.

And this is... Where we're going to recycle.

And this is Guz and Judi, and Chris and Laura.

They're in their tent. The massive obelisk

conceals the view of their fetid livelihood.

- And it opens like this. - From my house.

SQUAWKS That's how they get in and out.

Yeah.

I'd never open that - it would be a horrible view from one of my drawing rooms.

- From the fourth floor. - The nice lady from Titty Twister would be put off.

She'd leave before I get to show her round my rocket.

That's it.

Checked shirts and brown trousers shop.

- Yes. - Don't say that don't do nothing for you.

- Very handy. Thank you. - And then we have a prayer room.

Just a space to worship.

Anyone else wants to go a bit spiritual...

If we get Lou back and she starts turning us

into crystal-worshipping chakra... lovers...

I thought you were going to say crystal meth addicts for a minute.

Then right next door to that is the - Shisha Lounge. - Shisha Lounge.

- - What's that? - Shisha Lounge. - Shisha.

Like... You don't know what Shisha - Lounge is?! - I thought they were called hookahs.

- Aren't they, those things? - Hookers? Not hookers.

No that's not... You can have... Is that what you want, you cheeky...

I'm not... not referring... He wants a flood of pum-pum into the PRL.

Those things, like in the Sign of - the Four. - Oh, hookah.

- - Yeah. - Not hooker. - You may be able to get that in the ride-out lounge.

Get the hookers in, boys... Sounds very bad.

Wouldn't do that in the PRL.

Shit.

Hookah. Not hookers.

I thought that said Toast Office. That would be quite good, actually.

Toast Office? That's a better name. We could... Toast Office.

- - Let's change it to that. - Yeah. - Toast Office.

Now, what's happening in the Outfields?

It's not Westfield. It's Outfield.

- It's a clever play on words. - Oh, it's a shopping centre.

- Is there a John Lewis? - Would you like there to be a John Lewis?

- Yes, absolutely. - History's biggest John Lewis...

Yeah?..can be found at the Outfield.

- Wow. - What would you like in the Outfield?

- An antiquarian bookshop. - Look, there it is.

- Right there. - Oh, lovely. Lovely purple one.

And next to it is... What's that? The pain au chocolat shop.

Is there anything to do with, like, saucepans to do with that shop?

- Have I spelt it wrong? - You've answered my question.

- And do you like karaoke? - No.

Do you like any... Do you like DJ-ing?

Thank you. Good move. What a lovely space this is.

- Thank you very much indeed. - Thank - you, David. - See you later.

Thank you for coming.

I think you might have come off too keen, Alan.

Started digging up the town on his whims.

BIRDS CAW

BIRDS CAW

- Oh, here he is. Hello. - Hello.

Here he is.

So, another badge. Ready?

Creating a sense of patriotism and pride is important

if you want to bring unity to your population.

To earn your music badge, you must create an uplifting anthem

to celebrate the camp and your fellow campmates.

You will have a group of wandering musicians

to help you with your composition.

You will be judged on your performance,

as well as how uplifting and patriotic your anthem is.

Go to your breakout areas, and...

compose like the wind.

Hello, hello!

To help the outsiders on this mammoth challenge,

Chris and Laura have an oompah band,

Alan and Roisin have an Irish folk band,

and Guz and Judi have the assistance

of a barbershop quartet, with one of them still stuck on the M25.

I know, obviously, we're about the love and all the rest of it,

but I feel like maybe it has to be like a diss track.

- Dirty. - Dirty. Dirty and nasty.

OK.

It needs to be two lines, and then a bridge, and then the chorus.

We're... We're... We're... We're... We're...

I'll let you do all the lyrics, and I'll just do the interpretive dance.

We're the Outsiders, and we're coming inside your heart.

- It sounds like orgasm. - And that's on purpose.

I don't want to insult your art form, but is there any possibility

of somebody fitting in a little bit of beatboxing in there?

- That's possible?! - What?!

We don't want to be inside unless it's inside your heart.

We don't want to come inside. Why won't you say the word?

Building up to it.

♪ Life on the camp is fun today... ♪

- No, it wasn't. - What?

It wasn't, because you've repeated the first line. Absolute shambles.

- I'm never going to remember. - No, I know.

♪ Post-apocalyptic, we're in the camp...

♪ All these man here look like tramps...

♪ Go on, Judi... ♪ That was a bit harsh, though.

Gentlemen, we want to take your professional advice here.

Is this war or not?

- - Yeah. - We're in it to win it. - The bass said it's war.

Hello, musician Outsiders.

I can't wait to hear your anthems.

Can you come up in order of proximity to the stage,

starting with Roisin and Alan?

Thank you.

CHEERING

Our song is called Come Inside Your Hearts.

- Come Inside Your Hearts? - Wow.

One, two, three...

Warm, moving, and with a cry for help.

- Next up, Chris and Laura. - Yeah!

CHEERING

You were very good at leading me. GROWLS

This is the Outsiders' National Oonthem.

Oh, love it.

♪ Do da la dum, pa dum, pa dum

♪ Do de la do... ♪

One more... Are you ready?

Yeah.

Slow down...

Come on!

Whoo!

Come on, guys.

Come on.

CHEERING Woo hoo!

Sorry if I hit someone in the face with my hat.

- I got all Michael Jackson. - Was a narrow miss, I must say.

It's not the worst thing Michael Jackson did.

Finally, Guz and Judi, please take the stage.

Come on, lads, come on, lads. After you, lads, go on.

Oh, I wish you had a full-length - waistcoat. - But it's over his coat.

He's still got the coat on! Excellent use of the waistcoat.

You know, it's going to be called one of the greatest diss tracks.

Ether Camp Three.

As in ether, as in the thing that makes you unconscious?

Got it, got it. Ether Camp Three.

- Yes. - Take it away.

Gentlemen...

♪ Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum

♪ Uh... Nice.

♪ Like Chris... ♪ And again, lads...

♪ And again...

♪ Uh uh

♪ Uh uh, uh uh

♪ Shambles ♪ Shambles

♪ Shambles

♪ Shambles

♪ Uh, uh, uh

♪ Shambles

♪ Uncle

♪ Uncle ♪

Thank you.

CHEERING

Oh, love the hat drop. That was magnificent.

That was fucking brilliant. Well done, all of you.

That was really amazing. So, thank you all.

Please return to the camp, and congratulations.

ALL CHEER

Thank you, musicians.

- I am knackered. - I've had a couple of naps, though.

You guys haven't had as many naps as me.

I couldn't come down from the music round.

Barbershop hip-hop, new genre. The barber-hop.

You guys were flirting so much with the rhythm from Ice Ice Baby.

Oh, hell... No!

Chris brings snide vibe out earlier and earlier.

Are you hearing this hating vibe that Chris is bringing?

Chris, this hating vibe has got to stop.

Outsiders!

Don't be not here anymore.

It's the end of the day, and the outsiders have attempted

to strike the right note with their musical compositions...

...tried to make me feel better with some alternative therapies...

♪ Say ha, in with the doomwah... ♪

...and wasted time planning a city

that I'm not sure I'd ever want to live in.

- Titty bar. - Is it particularly - tailored for me? - Yes.

Time now to see which team will win one of my coveted badges.

Welcome, Outsiders.

- It's the end of day four. - Woo hoo!

The end is nearly in sight.

So let's start with the healing badge.

Laura and Chris, you went first.

Would you take us through your approach?

We discovered several more chakras than we were led to believe there were.

- 48 chakras. - Last count.

And I think the main thing about our treatment as well

is that we enabled you to look quite cool.

At no point did we ask you to run around making noises like an owl,

or did we pour water on you.

- Wow. - They've got no faith in their product whatsoever,

so they have to take on the competitors.

I thought, you know, it was... It did feel cleansing.

I'm going to pick you up on Chakra Khan.

- Let me heal you. - Let me he...

- Let me cure you. - Chakra Khan.

That's a pun. You can have levity if the medicine actually works.

When it's absolute nonsense,

you've got to stay serious, or people aren't going to buy it.

Have you ever seen an acupuncturist crack a joke?

No.

Alan and Roisin... What did you do?

That is... That is the question.

The spirit animal worked quite well. I was very pleased to be the owl.

You did a good noise, and suddenly you were running free.

And we felt like we'd actually... actually done some good.

And all the damage that Laura and Chris had inflicted on you...

we had we had to do a double healing.

We thought we were just healing sad you.

We had to go in after someone had been knocked down,

and then the ambulance people would run them over as well.

No, I've got to agree with you on that one.

I felt like after Chris and Laura's, WE needed healing.

- Oh, my goodness. - There is a pattern with you lot, though.

I find you very touchy-touchy.

Whenever else have I touched him? It's what you've offered people.

Alan offers the hand jobs. I've offered to hug.

Never accepted, by the way.

I mean, you poured water over him like he was a newborn.

I was... I was hair-drying my scrotum for six solid minutes.

Now, Guz and Judi, yours... yours was...

I mean, that will stay with me, what you did.

I just want to say... You want to talk until he gives you the badge.

Yes.

The purpose of healing is sometime uncomfortable,

and sometime, with healing, you do not realise

that you're in the process of healing straightaway.

I mean, this is an infomercial ready to go.

Just open the account, and it will...

...it will fill with the money of the credulous.

But what you said meant nothing.

Even Guz is quiet.

The thing with Guz, he... he lets me speak.

And he's confident in himself that he can let me...

...run.

- Yeah. - He knows I'll find a full stop at some stage.

Not necessarily the same day.

Judi came to me with a quick plan.

She said, "I've got these crystals.

You throw water on his dick, and we're good."

So I just follow my instructions.

I threw water on your dick, and I didn't appreciate

how difficult you made it for me to remove your shoes,

because I was like, "Oh, let me take it off."

And you were going... What do you think I was doing?

I'm not a very flexible person.

But what that was is you was resisting healing.

Why were you taking off his shoes?

The instruction was water on the dick.

Well, you know what they say. It's the size of the feet.

They needed to know how much water to use.

There was plenty of water.

Plenty.

I will say this about your therapy.

I would rather die than repeat it.

That is a bad review.

So as a result, I'm giving the healing badge

to Alan and Roisin.

You could have had that. You could have had that.

- We could have had it. - OK. Next we're going to do the town planning badge.

I asked you to redesign the campsite to create

a new post-apocalyptic urban utopia.

I mean, what I would say about this badge,

you all tried to design towns to please me.

We put a prayer room. That was for - Guz. - Yeah.

- That was nice for Guz. - We put all you lot living in the recycling.

Alan and Roisin put you four in a - sort of... slum bit of the town. - Wow.

I had a nice big house next to a...

next to a... Titty bar. Titty Twister.

And a World War II museum.

Next-door but one, a toast cafe and a rocket.

And you changed the name of the toast cafe,

at my suggestion, to the Toast Office.

- Which was brilliant. - Only serves toast.

Oh, it was a collaboration, was it? Oh that's nice.

Yeah, very... That was very canny of them.

I'm going to be brutally honest. I didn't like the rocket.

- You didn't like the rocket? - I found the rocket frightening.

Whereas Judi and Guz, they put a John Lewis there.

- Oh, very clever! - I like that.

- I admire that. - Much preferred...

I much preferred the John Lewis to the rocket.

Oh, it's the apocalypse. I thought he'd want a rocket.

- I thought that was the vibe. - Yeah, well, I didn't want a rocket.

You were wrong. I wanted a... I wanted a John Lewis.

And I wanted a river named after me from Judi and Guz.

- Oh, well. - We had an antiquational bookstore.

An antiquarian bookshop, at my request.

- - Thank you. - Thank you. - You requested this?

You asked them for it?

Dialogue is so important in any kind of design process.

So at the beginning, you criticised all of us for building a town

that suited you, but yet you've requested a toast shop from them.

- No no... No, no. - I didn't request it.

We called it Toast Only, and David thought that

Toast Office was a better name, and we agreed.

What was the shop we did for you? Checked Shirts and Brown Trousers.

- You did do that. - That's the name of - the shop. - I'd rather a John Lewis.

Although effectively, that is what a - John Lewis is. - Get fucked.

Did she say, "Get fucked"?!

No-one's told me to get fucked since yesterday.

Jesus.

So anyway, there's a lot going on here,

and I can feel huge amounts of pressure

coming from Laura and Chris, particularly Laura.

I'm going to give the badge, on balance, to...

Judi and Guz.

- - Yeah. - Quelle surprise. - Honestly, yeah.

Right. Oh.

Roof garden, private members' club, John Lewis.

Now, music badge -

I asked you to compose a stirring patriotic anthem for the camp.

I thought they were all amazing.

Same.

I believe the phrase is bangers.

I saw them all. I said, "How could I possibly pick a winner?"

So I've had to dig into the lyrics.

Oh... OK.

Remember, the thing about anthems is they're supposed to unite.

Whereas Chris and Laura, you said, "Alan and Roisin, they're obscene."

This was obscene in a good way. Like... Like bad.

Like if you're bad... They've - offered hand jobs. - Read it out.

"The badge they got for health and safety was clearly a case of sympathy."

- Snide vibes. - Snide vibes. "Then there's Guz and Judi Love.

"When it comes to badges, they couldn't be shitter."

Yeah. I didn't even hear...

I didn't even hear that one. Who said that?

That's inappropriate negativity about

what is essentially a third of the community.

- They called me a Tory. - They called... Yes, because moving on...

You called Laura a Tory, which I don't think she's likely...

The bias that there is in the media,

she's unlikely to take that as a compliment.

"Roisin loves a sandal, but I realise

she can't handle Alan Davies.

Your team's a shambles." Again... that's negativity.

What was the line he said about being blind?

- What was the blind one? - Actually, it - doesn't seem to be here. - Oh.

Not making the edit. That's how bad - it was. - Redacted, was it?

Yeah, I mean, that's a whole can of worms that the production team

have realised they don't want to open.

Won't make the edit, that, eh? Thank you.

And it has to be said, in Alan and Roisin's, there was

considerably less negativity about other members of the camp.

Some people have just got that energy.

Chris, you do take the piss, and that's

being valued here by your compatriots.

"May you win enough badges to find happiness."

That's... That is a snide vibe.

- That is diggy diggy. - Listen, we know...

You seem to feel like the badges will fill that void.

None of these were relentlessly positive.

They were all brilliant, but I can only picture one of them

being sung before a football match.

And that was ours.

Ours is to be sung outside of a cathedral

while people are reading books, and...

Yes, on an occasion where people are boring the shit out of each other.

- Thank you. - That sort a vibe.

We want to come in your heart.

Come in your heart. Are we ignoring come in your heart?

That's what you said.

You said you wanted to bust a nut in everyone's chest.

- Do you know what? - I know what kind of country is that.

- Yeah. - Come and spend your tourism money here.

We're going to go... Come in your heart.

In the centre of your chest.

It would be much easier for me if one of you had done a good song,

and two of you had done shit songs,

but you all did good songs.

Therefore, I have to find a way to give the badge only to one team.

And the fact that two of the teams relentlessly slagged off

the other teams in their songs,

whereas one of the teams only slightly, glancingly

slagged off the other teams means the badge goes to Alan and Roisin.

- Yay! - I'm not even applauding that.

- - You're not? - No. - Bad sportsmanship.

No-one's more disappointed than me.

You haven't got a badge for two days.

- Two days. - And you know... And I know you're going to turn that on me.

Like, why haven't you given us a badge?

I'm going to say, why haven't you earned a badge?

OK?Wow. We're really united.

All right, well, look, this is a tortoise and hare situation.

You hared out of the blocks, and now you're having a fucking picnic.

The time has come to put aside the quiche, and start running!

There's all to play for in the last two days.

I'd better go. Thanks so much.

- See you tomorrow. - Thank you, David. Bye, then.

I thought both of your songs were much better than ours.

You didn't say that when he was - here. - Of course not.

- I'm not going to jail. - I'd walk out if I knew where I was going.

To earn your upcycling badge, you must

create a new and exciting object.

- Oh, it's like Wimbledon. - Nine all.

In order to earn their exile badge,

I've asked them to decide what they would ban.

You wish to excise procrastination?

- We want them to get out of here. - Why don't you just do one?

♪ We're the Outsiders

♪ Not the insiders

♪ And we want to come inside your heart

♪ We love Guzzy Bear, we love Judi Love

♪ Though you're appalling, horrendous and weird

♪ We're the Outsiders, not the insiders

♪ And we want to come inside your heart ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media