Original subtitles

Society has ended.

There's been a catastrophe and most of humanity has been wiped out.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

In this post-apocalyptic wilderness, six comedians have survived,

and we've given them six days to - rebuild civilisation. - Oh,!

Should be enough.

Prepared's a funny word, isn't it?

Mentally, not at all.

Physically,

not at all.

THEY LAUGH

What's the best outcome of an apocalypse?

It's probably death, isn't it?

Well, this is your worst nightmare.

Each day, they'll be learning vital skills...

- Spider! Ah! - Where?

You didn't fall for that shit, did you?

...and competing for badges.

Some rules are made to be bent,

and I'm here for that.

The skills that I bring to the table in this setting are minimal.

I'm a pervert.

I'm really good working with others

as long as they do exactly what I tell them to do.

I always think to myself, "What would David Mitchell do?"

And I do that, and then I hope one day that he sees it.

♪ He's got a badge to give away

♪ What is the game that we will all play? ♪

Will they thrive?

This is either going to be absolutely dog shit...

I hate it!

...or a lot of fun.

Will they die?

Don't move, don't move, don't move!

The insurance waivers have been signed,

the cesspit has been dug.

We're ready to go.

This is Outsiders!

Anybody want a croissant? Ooh.

Oh, what have you got? Are they all different?

No, not for me, my darling, thank you very much.

OK, my love, no problem.

You got a chocolate one there, mate?

Yes, my brother. Gonna hand that to you, mate.

Oh, that's got a bit of weight to - it. - This is nice.

Can I just say, if all of you lot were one team,

we'd still be beating you.

- - Really? - Oh, yeah. - Wow.

If this was two against four, it'd be 3-2.

- Spot-on. - Is that what you're saying, Chris? Yeah?

- Look at the score board. - Wow. What's in that pastry?

- Huh? - It's sent him off his head.

Someone's put 50p in Chris.

Cocaine.

He's got a whole different vibe, - actually. Yeah. - Yeah?

You know what? This has been Chris from the start,

but he's just hid it well. I've seen the little snippets.

Do you know what? I just, the longer I spend with you and Guz,

- - the gobbier I get. - Yeah. - Yeah?

- You see? - You know, 24 hours ago I was like, "Oh, yeah, Chris,

"that's my blind brother."

Now, I'm like, "Oh, yeah, that blind brother."

THEY LAUGH

Big difference.

Listen, Guz, save up and buy yourself a coat with sleeves, mate.

- - Morning. - Good morning. - Good morning.

- How are you all? - We are good. - We are good. - We're good.

The scores are that Guz and Judi have one badge.

So do Alan and Roisin.

But Chris and Laura have three badges.

- - Yeah. - Woo! - There's still everything to play for.

We've got one badge that we actually earned.

Like actually...

- Oh, yah. - Oh, gosh.

Look, the health and safety was fully earned.

I wasn't even talking about that, but if you want to throw

them under the bus and talk the truth, we're here for this.

You were talking about that. That is a cheap rhetorical trick.

David, you couldn't even bring yourself to make up a reason

for giving them the badge.

I was very, very angry with Ed.

Alan, defend our honour.

We've established that three badges is not enough for these tyrants.

They want all the badges.

They want us crushed under the jack boot of light entertainment success.

Anyway, we've got a lovely, fun-filled day of badges

ahead of us. But just sorry to briefly spoil the mood,

because there's been a murder in camp.

- Oh,. - Oh, no.

Damn.

That is all I can currently reveal.

So, please, meet me at the crime scene.

Oh,...

Oh, look out.

Oh, Inspector Holmes. Sherlock Holmes.

- Oh, he loves it. - He's dressing up again.

Jesus Christ.

I've come as my favourite detective.

It's your classic Sherlock Holmes. Do you like the outfit?

Very much so. I think it's nice.

Last night, Dummy David and I were out for our usual

moonlit stroll around the woods.

I can see he borrowed one of your shirts.

Yes, exactly. Well, he's identical to me.

He's my inanimate alter ego.

I always thought you were Dummy David. OK, carry on.

See, cocky.

David, Chris had a pain au chocolat, and it has sent him nuclear.

Slags.

THEY LAUGH

- Whoa. - OK. Erm...

Right, back to the murder.

He was found dead this morning at 7am,

brutally murdered with what looked like a sharp implement.

Clue one.

Just after midnight, I received a call from Dummy David,

who left this rather haunting voicemail.

Hi, David. It's Dummy David here.

Just letting you know that...

What was that?

Oh, it's you.

Are you the man who's been sending me flowers?

It needs to stop. I'm happily married.

What's that? No.

No! Stay back!

Aaargh!

And clue two.

We discovered that boot print,

that an impression has been made of, next to Dummy David.

Thankfully, we have been able to apprehend five suspects.

You will each get the opportunity to interrogate the suspects

before making your final decision on who you think the murderer is.

- Nice. - Nice. OK, what do we think?

Can I just double-check? - He said he was married. - Yes.

He's going to link... A next... Someone in the...

Next thing in the woods, in the middle of the night.

This is what I'm saying. He's a fornicator.

Well... Whatever happened to him, he deserved it.

I would like to say, in this regard, he is in no sense

a parallel to his non-dummy counterpart.

THEY LAUGH

This way, please.

So, this is the Investigation Hub.

There are various evidence things, and these are your suspects.

- Ah. - But don't worry, it's a two-way mirror, so they can't see you.

Isn't that right, guys?

See?

If you want to speak to them, there's a device here.

Press that button. Hello? Can you hear us?

- Yeah, hello. - Hello. - Wow, it's phenomenal. - Yeah.

I'll leave you to it. OK. Thank you.

Look, we don't want to be here as much as you don't want to be here.

And I don't want the tired, haven't-had-a-coffee bitch

to come out.

We like to play by the books, but sometimes...

This is the world of crime.

We go by the book.

But sometimes we might have to stick that book in your arse

- to get to the truth. - Yeah.

I haven't had anything up my arse or front for some time,

so I'm tired. OK?

Number one, what's your name?

Mr... One.

I'm about to send you down for 25 years

based on that answer.

You appear to be a builder.

I'm an electric-tian.

Say electrician again.

Elecentrician. Oh, for fuck's sake.

I deal with the electric.

What were you doing in the woods last night?

I was out foraging for bits of electric.

He's making a dick of us, isn't he? Yeah.

Could you show us the sole of your boot, please?

Yeah, it's him.

THEY LAUGH

That can't be him. That was... That's the other foot.

Number two, big barista energy.

What's the evidence? - Pruning shears, sharp. - Ooh.

Ah, maybe he's not a barista. Maybe he's a florist.

Now, do you remember the voice note? "Stop sending me those flowers."

Number two, you've got an apron, eh? You got an apron?

Got a little tattoo on your arm. What is it?

It's a couple of dogs and a rainbow.

Middle-class.

Middle fucking class.

What's your name?

Daisy. Do you know Dummy David?

He's a lovely man. BOTH:Do you know him?

Absolutely the scariest person so far.

- I know but I love dogs. - Scary vibe. And I love rainbows.

That's how they catch you. Remember when we were kids,

"Don't take the sweetie off the - pervert"? - It is him.

He's got dogs on his arm. He'll get you as well.

Are you the man that keeps sending - me the flowers? - Oh, yes.

On the voice note?

Lots of people buy my flowers.

No, they don't.

Number three.

No, no, no, I didn't tell you to step forward.

You're a bit fucking eager, aren't you?

This your bat? That's my bat.

I suggest to you, number three, that this bat is too small for you.

It's not, it's not the size of the bat, you know?

It's how you swing it.

You're a fake cricketer, number three.

What size shoes do you take?

- 13. - BOTH:13.

Number four, step forward, please.

Long hair, shoeless, big sort of Wicker Man,

sort of Midsomer weirdness going on.

Where was you last night?

I was at a rave.

Do you have any memories of last night?

Not past, er, 8pm.

Ooh...

This is the number four clue. Yeah.

It's either piss or cider.

Right, OK.

Oh, no. Oh, for...

Yep.

- Yep what? - It could be either. SHE LAUGHS

Is it piss?

No, that is not piss.

Drink it.

Drink it.

Hi, number five. Could you come forward, please?

Oh, Jesus.

And back a bit.

- What's your name? - Douglas.

Douglas, are you Australian?

Er, no.

Are you... Are you New Zealand?

- No. - Are you Irish?

No. Where are you from?

Cut to the chase.

I thought we were going to go round the world.

Take your shoes off.

Not, obviously, the one without... You ain't got shoes.

But the rest of you, take your shoes off. Number five.

- Yes. - Come here.

Now, out. Come outside, come out.

I'm not... I'm not scared of you.

These are the pictures from number five's evidence envelope.

Is that a nose?

No.

A lamp.

This is how police forensics began.

SHE LAUGHS

Number two. Number one, give me that foot.

I think they're all the same shoe.

How did you kill him, Douglas?

I really like Dummy David, but I would not kill him.

CREEPY VOICE: Maybe I'm the murderer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe... Whose...?

Which one's your shoe? Whose shoe is that?

You can't muddle up the evidence.

If acting weird was a crime,

- Douglas is your man. - Yeah.

I don't even know whose shoes belong to who.

Where's your left shoe?

The one without the shoe took it.

Where is it? How can it disappear?

No there, he took it. No-shoes took it.

They're trying to confuse us.

It seems too obvious.

He's definitely the red herring, isn't he?

Just pick. Who killed him?

- What's your gut telling you? - I think the easiest one to get through...

...prosecution...

LAUGHING:OK, yeah, go on. This is true.

...would be number fucking five, - wouldn't it? - Yes!

But we haven't got a weapon.

We could just plant number one or two's...

Er, er... Yeah, let's just... Swap them round.

You know what? Let's just plant this... Put everything in the bag.

Dash a little bit of piss on there as evidence.

Put the cricket bat in there.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

ALAN LAUGHS

Do you know what, guys? Listen, get off. Run off, go on.

- Off you go. Not you. - No, no, not you - number five. - You are going to jail.

I know I've got a serious meeting, but do you want to go down the pub?

- Yeah, let's go. - Yeah.

Guz, Judi, Laura, Chris, guess Alan's middle name.

- Is this a badge? - No.

Begins with R.

- Is it Royal? - No.

- Rashpal. - No.

- - Rotherhide. - Rajinda. - No!

- - Rufus. - No. - Roger? Rompat.

- Roger! We've got a winner! - Oh!

Badge me up, baby, get over to the board.

Have you got a middle name, Jude?

I have got a middle name.

Oh, you don't wanna say it?

- Not really. - Hyacinth.

What's your middle name begin with?

Ah...

THEY LAUGH

Are you a wanted criminal?

Go on, give us the first letter. Go on, give us one letter.

M.Margaret.

That was good. Margaret will do.

- Will do. - A West Indian person told me that you only ever find out

someone's real name when you go to their funeral.

- Yeah. - You call someone Pearl for years.

For all years, and their name's Maureen.

Then you find out she's... Yeah.

I don't know why we do this.

I called my dad Albert all my life. Yeah.

Found out his name was Norbert.

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

David, what's your middle name?

I have two middle names. James and Stewart.

ALL:Oh!

- Yeah. - Oh, very Scottish. - Yeah. - Yeah, quite regal.

Anyway, next badge.

If you're building a society from scratch,

being able to sell and trade with others will help

fuel economic growth and raise living standards.

To earn your livestock badge, you must show animal knowledge,

expertise and training.

- Oh, lord. - Wonderful. You will each be given an animal.

You must find out as much as you can about your animal

and then offer that knowledge to a potential buyer.

The buyer will also want to see a perfectly groomed animal

shown off to its best advantage.

What?!

The badge will be awarded to the pair whose animal

is deemed to be most desirable by the buyer.

Does that make... Desirable in what way?

Purchasable. Not sexually desirable.

No suspenders, sort of thing?

You just want this person to want to buy your animal.

ANIMAL VOCALISES

What is that? What animal is that?

Is someone going to get a donkey? No.

I think two of the animals have met. That was just a scooter.

SHE VOCALISES

Was that an impression or an aggressive yawn?

Yeah, so, so basically. I'm trying to make friends with it.

What'll happen...

SHE VOCALISES Sorry, David.

Right, er, the thing is, there's an element of luck in this.

You have to draw straws for the area you'll be sent to,

and the animal you get is determined by the area you're sent to.

OK? SHE VOCALISES

Will one person from each group come up to me

and pick one of these? They're sticks, not straws.

Go on, Laura.

- They responded. - There we go.

SHE VOCALISES

That isn't the longest one, is it?

That's lo... So far, Laura is beating Alan.

How long can this one be?

I've got the longest, baby. Sit... We win again.

OK. You get to choose.

Do you want to go to the den, the wood pile or the old oak?

Wood pile. Right. Wood pile, great.

No, we're next. Our thing is taller. Yes, you're right. You're next.

What do you want? Den or old oak?

- The old oak. - The old oak.

- So, you get the den. - Yes!

CHRIS LAUGHS I will see you later.

Good luck with your animals.

I look forward to seeing them paraded around, looking all lovely.

- - Let's go. - Cheerio. - Bye.

I wanna put my bra on my animal.

I'm glad you finished that sentence.

Oh, look. It's a donkey.

See, I knew we'd get the donkey. Ah...

- So beautiful. - Hello.

- Oh, what have we got? - Hippo.

Oh, if only.

- It's a goat. - Oh, OK.

That... What is it?

Could be a lama. It could be a...

Don't. Those, they spit.

What shall we call him?

- The Darling. - The Darling?

We could call her Caramel Drops.

Pretty name, but not ssssexy.

- Carm-el. - Say that again.

- Carm-el. - Yes.

Let's go for the alliteration. So, it needs to begin with a G.

Well, it's GOAT - greatest of all time.

I'd call it Roger Federer.

If it was French... I don't speak French.

Carmel Jujon Dumere. Oh, that sounds nice.

Carmel Jujon Dumere.

Do you know what sex The Darling is?

I think it's a boy. We've had a boy!

Well, there's thing's dangling at the bottom,

so I'm thinking it's a boy. - We're going for a boy, yeah? - Yeah.

Age?14.

I'm not walking around in no forest selling no 14-year-old nothing.

What kind of donkey breeds are there, Alan?

This is a stripy donkey.

Your classic stripy donkey. Classic stripy donkey.

We've got oil here and a brush,

so I think we can make the horns look shinier.

Oh, that's, that works.

Obviously, like first prize.

Yeah?

LLAMA SCREECHES Oh...

SHE MOANS It made a noise.

My issue is now for us to get around and do what we have to do.

We might get kicked in the throat.

Should we go a bit blingy? Posh red bow tie?

Oh, definitely put a bow tie on it.

Hello.

Hi.

Yeah, rosettes always look - good on animals. - Yeah.

And a bow tie. And goats love rosettes.

I think nice and loose,

showing that he's a real kind of Glasto sort of donkey.

He's not a formal wear donkey.

He's sort of chill, goes to festivals.

Has a mojito.

Think she's gonna move, think she's - gonna move. - Yeah, that's it.

- She's breathing heavy. - Yeah, yeah.

I'm just going to back up for a minute cos, to be honest...

LLAMA SCREECHES

SHE WHIMPERS SOFTLY

LLAMA VOCALISES

SHE SUPPRESSES WHIMPERING

WHISPERS:I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.

Remember, Judi, don't move, don't move, don't move, don't move.

Carme... - Don't move, don't move! - Carmela.

Do you want a ribbon on you?

Got me doing all the donkey work.

SHE LAUGHS Ha, hey!

Come on, Roger Federer. Come on.

We're going to market.

I don't expect a badge from this one.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, shit.

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

LLAMA MOANS

I think I'm gonna piss myself.

Carmela.

Carmela Jun.

SHE EXHALES HEAVILY

Yeah, Judi, Judi, come out. Judi, come out. Judi, come out.

- Judi, come out. - No. - Fuck that shit. - Judi, come out.

SHE LAUGHS

WHISPERS:I can't, I can't.

- There you go. - I feel faint.

You OK?

I'm actually shaking.

LLAMA MOANS

Hello, Outsiders.

Now comes the moment of judgment and possible stampede.

So, please, welcome Tom, who is a real farmer.

- Hi, Tom. - Hi, Tom.

- Tom, welcome. - Thank you, Outsiders.

Tom is going to be judging your efforts at maximising

the saleability and attractiveness of these various animals.

So, one at a time.

Each of the teams, you're going to parade the animal around

to its best advantage.

We're going to kick off with Alan and Roisin, who have...

Well, I'll, I'll let them.

This is a donkey, David. A donkey.

As you can see, a fine specimen.

His name is The Darling.

His breed is... a stripy donkey.

You can see, he's exhibiting lots of really beautiful stripes.

I mean, not lots. I'd say...

Well, enough. Enough to qualify as a stripy donkey.

There's one on each side. All right, stripe police.

He's a stripey donkey.

Is one stripe enough to make something stripy,

or has it just got a line on it?

He's got two stripes, David.

- Borderline stripy. - Stripe.

And we did a little bit of a... I don't know if you can see,

- oiling of the hooves. - Oh, wow.

So you can pretty him up.

I may be discovering an allergy to donkeys.

TOM LAUGHS

His special skills - smiling, standing and being a lovely darling.

And he loves us. Will he be...?

We don't want to sell him any more.

Well, thank you very much.

Please, return The Darling to his pen.

Very nice donkey, guys. Very well behaved.

He's a nice donkey. He's a lovely donkey.

Right. Next up, it's Laura and Chris with...

Well, I'll leave it to you to explain what that is.

- Let's go. - Roger Federer is his name.

- Right. - Ah. He's got one leg up.

Does that mean he's going to do a wee?

No, it means he's very comfortable on three legs or four.

But, Tom, why is he doing that with his front leg?

He's going to shit. Is he shaping up for a shit?

- Yes. - Yeah. To me, that looks like it's...

That's a shit coming.

- - Could be an old goat. - No. - Do you think? Tom thinks it's an old goat.

Don't call Chris that, Tom.

THEY LAUGH

Is he milkable?

- Absolutely. - He is not.

He's not? Have you tried?

What she means is, he's not a stranger to being milked.

I mean, if you've never had male goat milk before,

you've never lived.

I think you can only get that on the dark web.

You know, if you have him at home, he'll sit in the corner.

He'll shit in the corner.

Looks constipated to me.

To me, he looks like he's been shaping up to do a turd

the whole time, - and it just won't come. - Thank you.

Well, a little bit of stage fright's never hurt nobody.

Thank you very much. Please... Come on, Roger Federer.

Good as gold.

Last but not least, Guz and Judi,

if you'd like to lead your llama around.

Her name, the beauty is called Carmel Jujon Numere.

- Oh. - She can carry items.

- Right. - Where the fuck are you going? Come this way.

Erm, like she's carrying Guz.

Will she stand here for us?

Erm, of course, of course.

Do you know, I doubt it.

I mean, that would be... - You can try. - I reckon...

We need her to stand, we need her to stand.

Well, I can't get her to walk... Carmel, Carmel.

...in the direction I want.

To some, it would appear like she's not taking instructions,

but she is actually engaging and looking at the space.

Jumu m'mer, Jumu m'mer.

Just to say, she has got a lot of hair.

Everyone's shitting themselves here. Good. Lovely!

Don't fight her.

People like independent animals.

We're now going to deliberate and decide on the badge.

I think this would be a great time for a recording pause.

- Juju peh! - Run! Run for your life!

I've made some hot chocolate.

- Oh, Judi. - Judi!

Judi, Judi, Judi. Hot chocolate like myself.

Want some? Thank you, Judi.

Thank you, Jude.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

What's the name of your, er, alpaca?

Carmel Jujon Nu'mer.

I've never seen a more curious creature of any form.

She was acting like CID.

You steered well clear, mate. You let him...

You did the big sales pitch while chaos was happening around you.

I love him but I won't say she gets...

But did you notice she didn't stop talking once?

- Cos I was distracted. - All the chaos was going on

and she just carried on.

That's not like me, is it? That's not like me.

It was a beautiful thing to behold.

There's a job on QVC waiting for you.

Oh, is it that time of the career?

The QVC, oh.

Phone in now, ladies and gentlemen,

we've got your llamas left in blue or purple.

Pink ribbons.

I just had to keep going because I just saw pure carnage.

Guz, when I saw you walk through,

it was like watching someone with Semtex.

We had the world's most placid goat.

If you asked that goat to be a curry,

it would have seasoned itself.

We showed the goat an episode of Loose Women and it just...

Nodded off. Yeah, it just fell asleep.

It just lay down. Oh, my gosh, Chris, how...

That is... I have to defend my girls.

Snide vibes is starting earlier.

Wow, Chris. What is... What is that?

I mean, worse than falling asleep, it pretended to fall asleep.

You've been cocky all day, Chris.

I'm not even a part of this, mate.

Any time, any time he has a bit of chocolate. Do you see that?

- He had the chocolate. - Chocolate - - again. - Yeah. - Pain au chocolat

- and now hot chocolate. - Yes.

He dissed Loose Women to my face.

- I know. - Sends him over the edge. I weren't. I was looking that way.

Good afternoon, Outsiders.

TANNOY: Are you ready for your next badge?

ALL:Yes.

Do not answer. I can't hear you.

Food and commodities will be scarce in your new society,

so you may have to set limits on high demand items.

To earn your rationing badge,

you must work out how to correctly portion your limited supply of food.

The pair who gets closest to four kilos wins the badge.

Please make your way to your breakout areas

and all will be revealed.

There we go.

Live on television, people measuring out four kilos of something.

It could be a format in itself.

It's wasted on this, isn't it?

Imagine that you could do week two, five kilos.

Important to escalate.

Personally, I'd say "kilograms", but it said kilos on there.

I'm under contract. What can you do?

Rationing, baby.

You must work out how to measure four kilos of flour.

Using a three kilo jar and a five kilo jar...

What is a, like, a cultural Pakistani dance?

The men are more like...

HE SINGS

You get me... It's a bit... Ay!

You have an unlimited amount of flour in which to measure out

four kilos, but only five minutes to solve the Russian riddle.

- Die Hard 3. - Die Hard with - - a Vengeance. - Yeah. - Oh, my God.

HE SINGS

- Hey! - You should have sang.

You got to get to four using a five and a three.

It's a lateral thinking problem, which... I struggle with.

SHE LAUGHS, ALAN CHUCKLES

- Maybe it's the top. - Pass us the jar, I'm going to fill it up.

Fill it to the top. All right, I'm there.

This is GCSE maths all over again. Oh, gosh.

The one time it's going to come in handy.

- We put five in here. - Yeah.

And then pour it into there, and then we know we've got two.

Yeah... No, no.

The issue we've got here is,

there will be someone else who did that GCSE maths question

and got an A-star in it.

Pour the five in here. What's left is two.

What's left is two... We split it in two, evenly.

I need to be open with you.

I only got a C in Maths.

Now this is the tricky bit, innit. Yeah.

We now need to get the five into the - three. - Yeah.

But the important thing is,

is that we don't lose any because we need the two left in the five.

Yeah.

Let's get three in here.

It's going well, it's going well.

What about if you tip the jar in?

- - I know, I know. - Say what? - I've got - it. - What?

If we use that and we count how many scoops of that, clean scoops...

- Oh, yi-yi-yi. - Yi-yi-yi, babes!

- Pour, pour. - Hold on.

I'm trickling it out, I'm trickling it out.

Oh, we're losing some. It's all right, it's all right.

Enough for three.

Why didn't we just fill the three you might ask?

I don't know what I'm doing, Rois. I really...

I feel like I've completely been irrational from the get-go.

No, no, we haven't got a lot of time you see.

Clean scoops, right? So that's one...

- Two. - OK.

- Three. - Yeah.

- We're losing quite a bit. - All right! Sh-sh-sh.

I mean, this is a fucking... This is a shitshow this is.

- It's not a shitshow! - We need the two. It's having the two left

that's the important thing. We don't really care about the three.

How do we measure one in there then?

I think we do one...

Er... You can't.

Yeah, no...

We do... I think I've seen this done with fluids.

We do... Hold on... I can't remember how it went!

Six.

- Would you say that's it? - Is it not three all the way to the rim?

- Give us the three, go. - Right, ready.

This is the two going... Hang on.

- Yeah, pour it. - Cos I've still - got to fill this up. - Pour it.

Hold no, I'm pouring it, I'm pouring it.

I'm pouring it, I'm pouring it, I'm pouring it.

I mean, you could say that's a third.

TANNOY: Outsiders, you have one minute remaining.

OK, so we need to just do it now. ALAN LAUGHS

So, I think we do. Right, we've got to get four...

- That's three, we need one more. - Yep, - I think it's one of these. - OK...

Throw that all in there.

Ah, this is tricky, cos... Hold on a minute, hold on.

Cos I don't wanna mess it up. But, you...

Oh, my lord. Ugh, you've run out of time.

No, I haven't, I haven't!

I'll just add some more. Right now, what do we do?

Pour the sack into the five, quick.

Pour the sack into the five? where?

Get the sack, pour the sack - into the five. - The whole five?

We need to fill this to the top.

OK, let's see. It's not too full, is it?

Cos, we don't want five, we want four.

That is taking forever.

Yeah, but look how much has come out.

- No, we've done it all right. - No, - we've done it wrong. - No, we haven't.

We're doing all right. We're doing - it right! - No, we've done it wrong!

That looking like nearly 5kg to me. You think we should take some out?

What do you think? TANNOY: You have 20 seconds left.

Pour that in there.

Now we're good.

Right.

I'd say that's four. That'll do it, well done.

- I think we're done. - I think we did - good. - Shall we leave?

- Yeah. - Thanks.

JUDI HUMS

I hope that was the right maths.

I'll be honest with you, I lost my way what exactly we were doing.

Smashed it, though. Of course we smashed it.

We're coming to the end of day three

and the Outsiders have discovered when it comes to being detectives,

they don't have a clue... - Whose shoe is that? - Whose shoe...?

...that their plans don't quite measure up...

This is a shitshow, this. It's not a shitshow!

That looking like nearly 5kg to me.

...and that man's best friend

is certainly not a large farmyard animal.

Where the fuck are you going? Come this way.

But which of them deserves to win a badge?

Outsiders, can you come up here quickly, please?

There's a llama in my tent

eating all the Edwardian set dressing.

- Good evening. - Oh, good evening. Good evening again.

- Here we go. - Welcome, Outsiders.

It's the end of day three.

When we leave this tent, we will be 50% of the way through the project.

THEY WHISTLE, WHOOP

Yes. Anyway, today,

crime, animals and foodstuffs -

the three essential ingredients of television.

First badge, the detective badge,

the death of Dummy David. This case was personal.

Alan and Roisin, what was your approach to the interrogation?

Of course, we got Jonathan Creek, Alan Davies.

- Yeah. - I felt under pressure.

As soon as they said, Oh, it's a detective thing,

I felt all eyes were on me.

I was really racking my brains - what do I do here? What do I do?

And all I can remember was what he normally does, is he does

a little cough and then exits the room unexpectedly.

I mean, well, it turns out, I asked a question,

and if they lied, I didn't really know what to do about it.

That's what we struggled with!

We're going to have a look at... on this side of the board

the various people you went for. There it is.

ALL:Ooooh. And Alan and Roisin accused...

- - ...number two. - Daisy. - The florist! Yeah.

Daisy the florist, yeah. Yes, so why him?

He's a florist.

He kept sending flowers as the voice notes stated.

He had the boots on. He had the boots on.

He was in the woods, and he'd spoken to him the night before.

And he had a pointy implement. And he had a pointy implement.

Good reasoning.

You know what I just realised. Mm-hm?

We didn't ask anybody's names.

- It's irrelevant. - It's irrelevant! It's irrelevant.

In a couple hours, they're going to be a fucking number.

You mean in a prison? That's what I'm saying, Mitch.

So, Chris and Laura, this is who you went for.

- Oh, come on! - Oh, shoeless Joe.

First of all, he's the... only one that got rid of all of the evidence.

- Yes. - So, we had... number one and number two who had sharp implements.

And if you've killed somebody with a sharp implement, the first thing

you'd do is ditch the sharp - implement. - Oh, that's good.

He also had no shoes on, so he ditched both.

Although he did have the wrong sized feet.

But you could always wear a different sized shoe to commit a murder.

Yes... Yes, you could.

That's a top tip, kids! LAUGHTER

If you're planning in a murder to stomp about a lot around the body,

just put on your dad's shoes!

Guz and Judi, what was your approach?

We wanna say that we felt conflicted because we enjoyed the power.

And we've been on the other side.

And we've been on the other side of being falsely accused for all

kinds of different things. "Did you crash that Ford Focus into that lady?"

- "No, I didn't do it."No. - We think you did. Holding cell.

"Did you steal that school dinner money from the canteen?"

Yeah."No, I didn't." We was cops... Yeah... trying to survive.

Yeah... You know, it's true.

Yeah. You want someone fucking arrested?

- Yeah. - We will arrest someone. - We'll sort it out. - Yeah.

We just wanna get on... There's no funding... in the arresting business.

Arrest, arrest, arrest, arrest. - Arrest, arrest. - Promotion.

And pension, that is declining. And then...

- Yeah, exactly. - And a free bus pass. Yes!

This man with no shoes... Yeah. Yeah?

For some reason, in the middle of the investigation,

- he took other people's shoes. - Yeah.

So now he's not "No Shoe Man". - He's "Shoe Man". - Yeah.

Why was this though, Guz?

You noticed that the three pairs of shoes were identical.

You asked them to remove them,

and then you got them confused.

Listen, listen. At the end of the day... No, who said that?!

OVERLAPPING SPEECH Listen, at the end of the day...

The point came when you held up one of the shoes

to the five murder suspects going, "Whose is this one?"

We was direct with our approach.

- Yeah. - We completed the mission...

Well, the thing is.....to a level of not unsatisfactory,

- ...and not good. - Right...

You... did. I absolutely agree.

For me, more than anyone else,

you cracked the whole premise of this show when you said,

"Who are we most likely to get a false conviction out of?

"And it's this weirdo at the end,

"cos either way, he's done a crime."

Well, I'm going to reveal your choice.

Well, I'm guessing it's number five. I wonder who it is.

Yes, it is number five.

Now, is anyone interested to know who the murderer actually was?

ALL:Yes.

It was number two, the florist! ALAN:Aw! Well done, Roisin.

- Well done. - He was in the forest.

His boot print matched the scene of the crime.

He had a sharp object on him.

His was the secateurs.

And, as a florist, he was the one sending Dummy David the flowers.

David, can I just ask you something, really and truly,

in this lawless world that we're living in?

- Yeah. - I think our tactics really would stand out.

Catching the killer is not necessarily societally

the thing that is the most important. It's doing...

You said something about it. - Yes. - I can't remember.

No, you're, no, you're absolutely right.

- Yes! - You're not getting the badge, Guz.

I am awarding the detective badge to Alan and Roisin

- for solving the crime. - Woo!

But...

Guz having got the shoes all confused, having screwed up,

the whole thing, you realised that doesn't matter

as long as you give the community what it desires, which is

retribution for the terrible thing - that has happened. - Yes.

And the most satisfying retribution is to convict the weirdo.

- Yeah. - It's easier to convict the weirdo than the more plausible,

more attractive figure who actually did it.

Mm-hm, yeah. So, for that devious amorality,

I am awarding you the first bonus Golden Badge of the series.

HE GASPS No!

GUZ KISSES HER HAND, CHRIS LAUGHS

- Thank you. - How'd you get a badge out of that fuck up?

- Unbelievable. - Unbelievable!

I think we should have a big round of applause for Alan and Roisin.

Well done, Rois. Well done, Alan.

Thank you. We got one, Alan. And also... We did!

...another polite round of applause - for the Golden Badge. - Whoo!

- There you go. - Yeah! Ah, yes!

- Let's move on. - A good badge. Extraordinary.

The Rationing Badge.

To win this, you needed to show quick thinking

and mathematical ability.

Chris and Laura, what was your approach?

Just to do it correctly.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Well, that's...

That's a golden bit of material. Thanks.

LAUGHTER

Well, you gave us a mathematical problem,

and we solved the mathematical problem with a series of steps.

- Fill the five. - Fill the five. Then... We did that.

...pour the five into the three. OK, you've got two left.

So you're left with two in the five. - Yes. - Empty the three.

OK.Then pour the two from - the five into the three. - Yep.

You've got one space left - in the three. - Yeah.

Fill the five and then top the three up to leave four in the five.

- Yep. - It does work, it works. They've got it then, basically.

Alan and Roisin, I believe that...

This is how it's been described to - me. - Don't laugh.

You can't laugh before you say it! No... It's described to me

as Alan sort of thought, "Ah, there's some way of doing this."

Yeah, I spent five minutes going, "I know there's a way to do this!"

And Roisin went, "Oh, fuck that!"

"Let's just vaguely guess." "There's flour everywhere!"

In the end, we had... We put the three in the five

and then we kind of really guessed.

We split it. We split what was left.

OK, so that sounds like a bit of their system,

- but a slightly rougher. - Yeah.

And, Judi and Guz, what was your approach?

Well, we thought it's three

and I thought, let's count how many scoops in the flour thing

fills up three.

Yeah... And then we divided it into three.

- Good thinking. - And then that would show us

how much more we needed to make that extra one kilo.

Well, that's a very sound system as - well. - There's only one issue we had.

- Yeah? - It was after the calculation, which was wonderful, by the way.

- Thank you. - Is the whole...

...5kg jugs...

- Yeah... was full. - Right...

No, it wasn't! It wasn't. Yeah, it was almost full.

It wasn't almost full.

And then from the outside looking at it like,

that can't be 4kg cos it's looking like five to me.

- No, no. - And then, so, what you did is, very cleverly, you said,

"Maybe there's some form of miscalculation, slightly."Yeah.

And you removed the excess. And I said, Judi Love, you did fantastic.

- Boom. - Well...

You all did pretty well.

You're aiming, remember, for 4kg.

Guz and Judi, the amount you separated,

weighed 4.729 kilograms.

Ooooh. Just went over.

It's fine, it's fine. Chris and Laura,

4.658 kilograms.

That's closer. Alan and Roisin... No, leave off.

...the amount you separated

was 4.616 kilograms.

That is the closest!

The ones who had no calculation?!

Visual intuition!

The Rationing Badge goes to Alan and Roisin.

THE GROAN, APPLAUD Love to see it.

Now, last of all, the Livestock Badge,

you were asked to present an animal for sale.

How did you all find your animals?

We loved our donkey, didn't we? We loved him.

Beautiful, he was a well behaved goat.

Ours was a fucking prick.

Carmel Jujon N'blor... Yeah?

...took Guz, cos let's keep it real.

- She was walking Guz. - Yeah.

Right? And one of the actual production team

who's supposed to be helping said, "Oh, I hope she's not upset."

"I hope the llama is OK."

Not, "I hope Guz is OK when he gets kicked in the fucking bladder

"and he has to have an external bag to piss in

"and he can't even hold his kids no more."

No, they didn't, nobody asked that!

That is a fair complaint.

I feel a Gold Badge coming on!

And I have to say, obviously, the llama was definitely,

I would say it was... It had the most vim of all the animals.

Had one arthritis goat.

When he was finished, he was finished.

That goat had a weak delivery.

That goat was taking hours to shit.

It wasn't shitting, it was sashaying!

If Guz and Judi had got the goat,

maybe it would have breathed some life into it.

No, no, no, no, no! Don't, don't...

- Exactly! - Stop it. Exactly what Tom the farmer said.

At every stage along the way. - Thank you. - You did a...

You did a fable. It was the opposite of what you meant it to be.

- Yeah. - You dangled things off a clothes rail

and pretended it was a prison that you could just pick up and move.

You know what, bring the llama back here,

I'm going to tie it to Chris's ankle and let's see what happens.

Let's see what happens!

Presentation wise, you kept your plausible patter going,

trying to sell that... She didn't miss a beat. You didn't miss a beat, Judi.

...while Guz just about kept control as... Very, very impressive.

Sorry, I'm not getting any... - It's teamwork. - Of course...

I'm not getting any praise for carrying a 400st animal.

400st, it weighed when it pulls.

Guz, Guz, you have literally interrupted me

while I was praising you.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. It was just a scary moment for me.

Frankly, in your ability to handle it at least briefly

and keep talking while that happened,

I think you have to win - the Livestock Badge. - Wow.

It was a keep talking task, was it?

I mean, if they're all... Judi's going to win them all.

Right, at the end of three days,

Chris and Laura have three badges. - Oh, that's a... surprise! - Yeah.

Guz and Judi, you have three badges.

Alan and Roisin have three badges.

The first three days have been utterly pointless!

But there's still everything to play for. I'll see you next time.

Thank you very much. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Goodnight!'Night.

That is not how I saw this evening going at all.

To earn your Healing Badge, diagnose my problem and treat it.

In with the doomwah, - out of the doomwah. - Agh!

Is David an arsehole?

Oh, my God I am not doing that.

I've asked the Outsiders to create an ideal town.

- The Titty Bar. - Is this particularly tailored for me?

Yes.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media