All language subtitles for d.m.o.s03e02.720p.web.h264-skyfire

Society has ended.

There's been a catastrophe

and most of humanity has been
wiped out.

It was bound
to happen sooner or later.

In this post-apocalyptic wilderness,

six comedians have survived,

and we've given them six days
to rebuild civilisation.

Should be enough.

Prepared's a funny word,
isn't it? Mentally?

Not at all. Physically?

Not at all.

What's the best outcome
of an apocalypse?

It's probably death, isn't it?

Well, this is your worst nightmare.

Each day they'll be learning
vital skills.

- Spider!
- Ah, where?

You didn't fall for that shit,
did you?

...and competing for badges.

Some rules are made to be bent.
And I'm here for that.

The skills that I bring to the table
in this setting are minimal.

I'm a pervert.

I'm really good working
with others.

As long as they do exactly what
I tell them to do.

I always think to myself,
"What would David Mitchell do?"

And I do that, and then I hope
one day that he sees it.

He's got a badge to give away!

What is the game that we will
all play?

Woo!

Will they thrive?

This is either going to
be absolutely dog shit...

I hate it.

...or a lot of fun.

Will they die?

Don't move, don't move, don't move.

The insurance waivers
have been signed.

The cesspit has been dug.

We're ready to go.

This is Outsiders.

- Morning, Rosh.
- Morning, my loves.

You're all getting beans.
No arguments.

Are you serving the brekkie?
Thank you.

- It's all right.
- Laura, Chef Laura.

It's veggie sausages.

You know what,
I'm going to come and help you.

Here, Alan, that's for you.
Yeah, that's for me?

Why is it, what is it you don't...?

Cos I don't do the beans
and the eggs like that.

Sometimes you can't have everyone's
individual needs met, you know?

- Nah I get it, I get it.
- I think
we're at put up, shut up stage.

I don't do runny egg either, but you
don't need to take it back.

Judi, you don't do runny eggs
- either, no?
- No.

FLY BUZZES
I can't do it.
What'd'ya do? What's it called?

Salmonella.

How about a nice glass of
shut-the-hell-up, how about that?

Oh, oh, hang on.
What, what, what?

There's a fella in the bush,
there's a fella in the tent.

What do you mean there's
a fella in the bush? Where?

He's taking notes.

Maybe he's taking notes on
the badges we want to do.

I hope they don't have
an iced latte badge.

Oh, my gosh. A Frappuccino badge.

- Argh!
- Argh, that is just
absolute disgrace.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, sure. Let's swap numbers.

Look, I've got work now, so...

Help yourself to anything
in the fridge.

Good morning, Outsiders.

The scores are...

Guz and Judi, one.

Chris and Laura, one.

Alan and Roisin, nil.

- Wooo!
- Oh, whatever.

It's day two and here's your first
badge of the day.

Sometimes, in order to get on in
a post-apocalyptic world,

you will have to curry favour
with the psycho in charge.

To earn your Breakfast Badge you
will need to create

the most delicious possible
breakfast for me.

Find the itinerant merchant in order
to obtain

the finest possible ingredients.

You will be judged on
the ingredients you've secured,

as well as the tastiness of
the meal.

One last thing, there will be a man
watching you today.

Don't worry about that.

He's just a man silently watching
you, in the woods.

Right, let's go and have a look.
I'll tell you what,

I don't fancy my chances,
the way you lot

clearly didn't enjoy my breakfast.

LAUGHTER

Oh, a market trader.
Morning, morning.

- Morning.
- Lovely day for it.

Are you... are you Northern?

Ish.

Yeah!
CLEARLY:How are you?

So, can I do anything for you?

Well, I can't read your blackboard
from here, what's it say?

Oh, right. Well,
I've got three types of breakfast.

We start at the top end with
the Deluxe breakfast.

That's the sort of breakfast
you might, you know,

give someone of note.

Now, middling, you got your
Standard breakfast,

and then at the bottom end,
we've got the Basic breakfast.

It's edible. I'll give it that.

So should we start with
the Deluxe breakfast?

- Yes, please.
- That's the fancy
one, innit, eh?

What you gonna offer me for that?
Oh, we have to pay you?

Well, offer me something.

I'm not going to give it
to you for free.

What we got there?
A rhubarb custard.

A rhubarb and custard?

You know you like a rhubarb custard.

That is sealed as well, so I know
it hasn't been in your mouth.

And I've got some soft mints
as well.

- Oh!
- Oh, come on they're half open.

All right,
you hold on to them for now.

So, we've got an offer of rhubarb
and custard and soft mints.

Erm, anyone else want to top that?

What's going on here?
Whoa, whoa, easy, easy, all right.

Well, hang on a second,

let me consider all options before
you get involved.

You don't want a cuddle?

Unless you want a Basic breakfast,
you wanna get back over there.

It's all we've got out here.
You can't give it away.

Oh, a watch?
Let's have a look at that.

It's slightly broken.
Quite cheap, innit?

Wow. Wow, OK.

I'll give you a bit of a neck
massage and Laura will do your feet.
Cheers.

Hang on, we've got a neck massage.
- - Yes.
- And a foot massage.
- Yes.

Now, now, that's interesting to me.

- What about this?
- Hand job.

- A hand job?
- No, you can do
- the hand job.
- All right.

He, he... he's also a Northerner
as well. He's your people.

So what I'm willing to offer you is,
when we get out of here,

I will treat you to lunch,
restaurant of your choosing.

Er, and we'll have
a nice afternoon out.

Will you throw in a lift home?

Well, I'll get you a taxi.
You don't want me driving.

Right. I've made my decision.

I think you chaps are going
- to get the Deluxe.
- Yeah, boy!

There you go. A Deluxe breakfast
- for you.
- Thank you very much.

Well, off you go.
I think it was the northern noises

you were making
at each other that did it.

Hold on a minute.
I haven't had me massage.

- - Huh?
- Huh?
- I haven't had me massage!

When you've dealt with them,
we'll come back and do it.
We've got to make the breakfast.

All right, I'll hold you to that.
Deal with them, we'll come back.

Hey, he's got me cauliflowers!

He's got the...

Oh, and they've had the Standard!

That's not worked out for you,
has it?

Well, if we knew we could have
robbed the place,

I would've robbed your
arse from the beginning.

I'll take the damn thing.
Let's go. Thank you.

Do you want to buy a cauliflower?

When I say currying favour with
the emperor is

a key part in a
post-apocalyptic world,

as in, give me a nice breakfast,

I am aware another option in such a
society is you just kill the
emperor,

you know, and you give them
a poisoned breakfast.

But for the purposes of this badge,

that is simply not permitted.

I am, as it happens, looking for the
kind of breakfast that does kill me.

But, you know, in the long term,
from cholesterol.

That's the sort of thing I like.

Not... not arsenic, you know?

So that's... that's ruled out.

But I would accept that
that is a viable approach.

And, you know, I think,
you know, in terms of Putin,

fingers crossed someone's
planning it.

Well, we went robbing.
We went robbing!

Contraband.

Right let's see what we got.
White eggs, kippers, bread.

Crusty loaf.

Babes.
Did you see what just took place?

Let's see what's in here.
I'm done with this.

- Back of the bread.
- Back end.

And what's this? This is...
This is not even real cheese.

Forest fruits was the top tier,
that was the deluxe.

Can we get any of this in
a smiley face?

Or to say, "Dave," cos Dave
would be him and the channel.

Yeah, this is it.
That's currying favour.

Eyebrows. Kippers could be eyebrows.
Eyebrows!

What's French for face?

Fiss.

Watermelon and pineapple
- salad, yeah?
- Yeah.

FLY BUZZES
And then I'm going to make a bread.

Something was there.

I felt something.

I was gonna stab myself,
did you see that?

I was gonna...

We haven't got any butter or oil.

You'll just have to maybe turn
it down a little smidge.

I'm sure you've cooked eggs
before, Alan.

I will not tell you how
to fry an egg.

That... what is happening?
You're not part of the crew.

This is Ed, and unbeknownst
to the Outsiders,

he's actually a health
and safety inspector sent

to scrutinise their food
hygiene practices.

This cheese is not really melting.
Does it melt?

At the end of the day
I'll be awarding a badge

to the healthiest and safest team.

But first, it's time for breakfast.

Does it... does it look like David?

Maybe I shouldn't have it smiling,
that was our first mistake.

Room service.

Oh, hello.

Oh, you've got one of those things.
I've breakfast, if you'd like to...

- Yes.
- I've always wanted
one of those things.

Would you like us to remove
the cloche?

Yes, please.

Oh, my goodness.

- It's you!
- Yeah...

Is it?

So, the cauliflower...

Crudite.

- And so that's raw?
- It's crudite.

And what's...?

That's simply garnish,
cauliflower leaf garnish.

Can you eat cauliflower
leaf uncooked?

Yeah, it won't kill you.

Right, right. OK.

Fair enough.

And the eyebrows...

- I sense they're a fish.
- Kippers.

What is in the tomatoes?

Kipper skin for the pupil.

"His pupils were as dark
as kipper skin."

"His eyes smelled of the seas."

Well, I'm gonna...
I'm going to eat a bit of it.

Maybe say a prayer first.

I'm going to eat one of my own eyes.

Mm, and a little background
of kipper skin there.

Oooh!

Coming through.

Good for you, isn't it,
the oily fish?

I think the kipper skin in the
eye thing is a note of darkness

and decay that I'm not sure how
I feel about it now.

Imagine if someone posted you that
in a Jiffy bag,

a tomato with a sort of
bit of kipper skin shoved into it.

Imagine if someone took you into
the woods and gave it to you.

And you didn't have any friends.

- - Yeah.
- Just Ed here.
- Yeah...

Is he your son?

- No.
- Does he have powers of arrest?

He doesn't have powers of arrest.

He is not, as far as I know,
any blood relative of mine.

And he's not a ghost.

No, he's not a ghost,
he's really there.

Do you believe in ghosts?

You know, as much as...

If anyone is irritating,
I like to think they're not real.

Oh, well, that's a good system.

- It's helpful.
- Yeah. My brother
doesn't believe in ghosts,

but he also said he saw one.

I applaud that kind
of intellectual flexibility.

Yeah, one more bit of cauliflower.

He liked the stuff we nicked.

- The taste of danger.
- The crudite.

Take the rest away, please enjoy.

We could become dispirited if we're
badgeless after day two, I think.

We won't take it lightly,
put it that way.

You're not going to
leave badgeless out here

and expect to sleep in those
woods safely, Mr Mitchell.

That's not how it plays out for you.

Am I right?

Where did that come from?

- Oh, my God, have a word.
- What?

Little Lord Fauntleroy's
still in bed.

Oh, we know our place.

Morning, Sir.
Morning. Little bit further up.

Little bit further up.
God forbid you have to lean forward.

We've gone for a very formal
presentation, Your Lordship.

Oh, you have. You've made it look
like a man... With a tie, David.

- With a tie of fruit.
- A tie of fruit.
Yes.

- Nice bread ears.
- Yep.
Mmm, yeah, he's getting it.

Going to have a bit of smoked
salmon.

Making it look like a face,

it doesn't make me feel like you
think I'm a sophisticated person.

What is the one thing that there are
fewer of during an apocalypse?

- The one thing?
- People.

Just that seeing the
formation of a face,

we thought would just fill your
heart with a little bit more hope.

But, I counter with that,

so you've shown me this face,
but then you invite me to eat it.

- Yes.
- So that's almost like
a... incitement to cannibalism.

- Acceptable eating.
- But, you know,
presentation isn't the main thing.

It's mainly what it tastes like,
and it tastes nice.
He's doing it, he's going in again.

- Cloche, Sir?
- Cloche it up.
Cloche it up.

Cloche it up and take it away.
Bish, bash, cloche.

- Always a pleasure. Let's go.
- Yeah.

Right. Couldn't have gone better.

Yep, happy with that.

Have you seen everything you need?
Yeah, absolutely, yeah.

- You know the lid's on that pen?
- Yep.

- Wow.
- He's got a bed in the woods.

Babes, wood in the bed.

That's me every time.

Did you say, "Wood in the bed?"

- Yeah, yes.
- Er, yeah.

It's very rude.

Sir, would you like me
to place this on you?

Yes, please, place it over my groin.

This is Beauty Of Eggs Delight,

with a bean, plastic cheese,

on a bed of... Bread.

...Backers Bread.

I see, the crust. And...

Garnish.

Then we've got a medley salad.

And so what you've done there is
you've stuffed a pineapple in
a watermelon.

That's... that's a gross
miscalculation of what took place.

- Reductive?
- Exactly.

- Egg is nice, it's subtle.
- Yeah?

And did you say you poached the...
Poached, this is a poached...

Poached pineapple.

- - Mmm.
- Yeah.
- Poached it.

That's nice. Is that from a tin?

Well, the thing is...

Because, I will say,
before you contemplate lying,

I prefer it from a tin.
- It's from a tin.
- Great, yeah.

Oh, look,
as it drips down your chin.

It's gone down my chin,

I'll be pineapple-y all day.
There'll be flies.

Oh... nice.

Have you spotted him around
the place? He gets everywhere.

He's not a pervert.

Well, actually I have no idea about
his private life.

Just for your safety,
probably not best to bring

a pervert to the woods with
- a double bed.
- Into your camp.

Yes, no, absolutely.
Just thought I'd say it.

Just keep yourself safe,
brother, OK?

Well, he keeps trying
to move closer.

- It's that little pompom.
- What?

Dangling off your shoulder.

He thinks it's a ball?

What's a singular one?
Testes, plural.

- Teste?
- A teste.

It's just got a little fluff to it.
A little teste.
Something you wanna toot.

And then you shake it like that,
that's a tease.
That's actually nice, isn't it?

Do you know, that gives me sexual
confidence, swinging it around.

That's it, babe.
Look at it, look at it swinging.

Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, he's creepy.
- Yes, well,
I'll keep my eye on him. Thank you.

No salt and pepper.

We usually turn away food
for no seasoning at all.

And he was there, like, "Wonderful."

An egg at that, with no salt.
- Loved it.
- I'm done.

We did it.

Hello. Yes, can I help you?

Just ready for the next task.

We... we can probably just wait
- - here for a minute.
- Sure.
- Erm...

So, I mean, how did you... how
did you get into being

a health and safety officer?

Oh, it's a very interesting story.

My father was a health
and safety officer and...

In... interesting.

Is there something crawling
down my face?

- Afternoon, everyone.
- Afternoon.

Here we go.

Ooh, something dropped on my
lip, sorry.

I found it in the bed scene.
A lot of twigs.

SHE SNEEZES
- Sorry.
- All good now, bless you.

And I've pissed myself.

Can you stop with the mind games?

Er, this is the next badge.

HE PRETENDS TO SNEEZE

SHOUTING:Something's fallen on me!

Society previously invented
the Swiss Army knife.

And even more impressively,
the spork.

So, to earn your multitool badge...
Oh.

...you must create a portable
device that incorporates

several tools using recycled items
from the scrapheap.

Your multitool must have a name,
and you will need to do

a short presentation to
demonstrate its functionality.

You will be judged on how useful
and versatile your tool is.

Are we all going in,
bundling in together?

Er, no. You're bundling
in like crazy.

Come on. Quick, quick,
quick, quick!

Don't let them get the good stuff.

There's a painting and
decorating roller.

I think the more things we have,
the less they can use.

You got an idea forming
around a tyre?

Not, not a bit of one, really.

As well as the combination of
spoon and fork, the spork,

there was also a short lived spife.

That's a spoon that combined
with a knife and of course,

the knife combined with a fork.
The knork.

But those were quickly discontinued.

It's almost impossible to
go into a restaurant

and ask if you can get your
hands on some knorks.

Oh, my God, babes, a spider, a
spider, put it down a spider, ah!

Where?

She jacked it, that's bad.
That is bad.

You didn't fall for that
shit did you?

I just got robbed!

I think that's about
enough scavenging.

And then now you've got 20 minutes
to create the tool.

Didn't realise we've got
to carry this shit.

Right? So, we've got the long
half drainpipe.

I did get two pink flamingo
watering cans, I dunno...

I just lost my mind slightly.

We've got some good stuff, Rois.

Cricket things, two helmets.
Hard hats.

Is that all right?

Yeah. That's good.

Luckily these are telepathically
linked, so that's handy.

So, you know, can you pick up
what I'm thinking?

Pervert.

You can.

JUDI SCREAMS
What is it? What is it?
What is it? What?

Something there. Oh, my God,
I could have put that on my body!

- Caterpillar.
- Get it away!

That's a caterpillar. Go
hungry caterpillar, go.

What about... what about a, like,
a sex den?

Huh?

Right, you have a feel about this
while I get our safety goggles on.

What's that?

Well. I'd love to be able to
- tell you.
- Oh, my goodness.

- - Exactly. It turns.
- Oh.
- Oh!

Extendable.

That felt useful.

It did, but I don't
know what it is.

Indeed.

But what's, what's it doing with
this, what's the plan?

What are we trying to make?

I don't know, I just like putting
things together.

I think these look like stakes
to kill a vampire.

Definitely.

And I think we should become
vampire hunters.

OK. OK, let's do this.

You're agreeing with me
like you're a hostage.

Yeah.

Portable prison.

- Hey!
- Alliteration.

- Jail.
- Judi.

- Yeah?
- Send me £50 on my card.

Maybe we can build,
like, a bird wash.

- - Yeah.
- Wash the bird.
- Wash the bird.

The bird thinks "Oh, I'm having
a nice little wash here."

Then that'll poke through the
bottom as, like, a guillotine.

We're basically making
a torturing machine.

Chris, I don't mean this rudely,
but you're an absolute psycho.

This is all either going to be
absolutely dog shit or a lot of fun.

There's no middle ground here.

As David would say, there's
the trailer.

Yeah, looks tight to me.
Yeah, looks tight to me.

Oh, oh! Where's the power?

You need to bend a
little bit more. That's it.

This is going to get difficult.

Ah!

We've got a half pipe, haven't we?

Yeah, we've got the half pipe.

We can use it for
collecting rainwater.

And that's our... OK.
...water filtration system.

And then we've got a
multi-use death device.

Feel like, it could be a little
thing where, you need to go toilet,

piss through there.

Might even be able to shit in it.

Babes, if you're big enough. Plop.

ALAN:I'm just a fixing my
night-vision lens to my
telepathic helmet.

That's my first.
That's the first look.

HE LAUGHS

What?

It's very central.

I imagined it over one eye.
You know like a sort of...

Let me test to see if this is
effective audibly.

I'm a pervert.

I'm a pervert.

Ed, you might be wearing this
later bredrin.

What shall we call it?

A slaughter rhymes with water.

Slaughter. The Slaughter...
The Slaughter and Water.

The Slaughter and Water.

Slaughter and Water Sorter.
- Sorter.
- Porta.

The Porta Water... Porta.

Hang on.

The Porta... Port, Porta Caught a
Slaughter Water Sorter.

Yeah, The Porta... Say it again.

I can't.
HE LAUGHS

Hello?

- Hello.
- Hello.

Introducing The Porta...

...Caught a.....Slaughter...

...Water.....Sorter.

I just bought a Porta Caught a
Slaughter Water Sorter.

- - Yeah.
- Yes.
- It just slips off
- the tongue, doesn't it?
- It does.

I doubt very much they've come up
with something better than

a Porta Caught a Slaughter
- Water Sorter.
- Yeah.

- - Oh, sorry.
- That's it.
- Right, yeah.
Right.

OK. OK, thank you.

Oh, and also yes.

This initial use of this device,
a portable prison.

HE LAUGHS
OK.

We're keeping people safe.

Yes.

First of all, we made these
telepathic hats because

- of all the damn vampires.
- Right.

I'm inventing weaponry under
the guise of vampires.

I know, but I thought I'd hang on.
I didn't realise it'd be so long.

- What?
- He keeps saying to me,

"I need a bloody wee,
I need a bloody wee."

I think it was perplexing for David,

and that was all we could really
hope for.

We've designed a modern take on
the traditional birdbath.

Do you know when you take your
car for a wash?

No.

Do you know when your people
take your car for a wash?

I don't have a car. I can't drive.
When people...

My wife has a car and occasionally,
she thinks it should be washed.

And I say, "What's the point
of washing a car?

"It works just as well if
you don't wash it."

The reason why it's called
'It's a Rap' is

because you can rap and make tracks.

You can what?

- Let's go.
- Let's go.
Oh, goodness that's loud.

♪ Hey, David

♪ David's in the hood
swinging his big wood

♪ Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat... ♪
Come on David.

♪ Tat-tat-tat-tat
♪ Tat-tat-tat... ♪

Give us a line, David.

♪ Ow, my head is hurting a lot

♪ Oh, my God, death can't
come too soon

♪ Hey. ♪
Ow.

Rehabilitation. After one
day in that outfit,

I'm pretty sure everyone's
going to say,

I'm sorry for what I did. I'll never
do it again. I'm reformed.

For the purposes of the
demonstration, this is a bird.

Look, I'm going to go and go
in the bird bath and then...

Have a little wash and

- ah, boom!
- Boom.

- We kill the bird.
- Yeah.

- It lands in the bucket.
- Yeah.

And you've got dinner.

- - Apocalyptic, useful.
- Yeah.
- Pink
flamingos. What's not to like?

All we really did was advertise the
exceptional quality of gaffer tape.

Yep. Roisin's picked up that
there's something in the woods,

and we need to be ready.

That little creep that's been
hanging around.

Yeah.

Oh.

I miss the telepathy now. I can't,
you know I can't pick up

anything that Roisin's thinking
which is weird.

Just... It's just white noise.

- Yeah.
- Back to white noise.

Back to my own thoughts,
which is not where I want to be.

So, our third portable use... Yeah.

- A toilet.
- A toilet.

It doesn't matter the size.

And you still could play music
while you're doing it.

Oh, yeah absolutely. Yeah.

This here... Yeah.

Is the rain collector and
water filtration system.

Is it indeed?

- It is.
- It is.

He didn't actually look
that impressed.

We were impressed. I'm not sure
David was impressed.

It's his job not to be impressed,
isn't it?

'Pon de toilet.
Pu... 'Pon de toilet?

IN DEEP VOICE:'Pon de toilet.

What am I saying?

'Pon de toilet.'Pon de toilet.

Gravelly, very gravelly.
Throat infection.

IN DEEP VOICE: Grrr.
- 'Pon the toilet.
- Ooh!

But hips at the same...
Hips, voice, and...

One, two, three.
DAVID GROWLING

IN DEEP VOICES: 'Pon de toilet.
'Pon de toilet.'Pon de toilet.
'Pon de toilet.'Pon de toilet.

But you say three things,
I've also got to curl off a shit.

He had it in him but it's like
he was a little bit nervous

and then even though he
didn't realise,

he was using the hands,
but I saw the hips.

Behind bars. In bars.

- Dropping bars.
- Dropping some bars.

The Pun de Toilet. Thank you
and goodnight.

Bad man David.
Go on with your bad self.

- Pun de Toilet.
- Pun de Toilet.

Pun de Toilet.

Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Thanks for coming.

This programme has attracted a
certain amount of attention from

the Health and Safety Executive.
To cut a long story short,

that's what Ed is here for.
He's come down here,

he's monitoring our health
and safety.

And, you know, I think
it's pretty disappointing.

This isn't what people voted
for Brexit for, you know,

what is the point of having
done a great big give the finger

to the largest trading block in
the whole of the world if it isn't

to get rid of this kind of bullshit?

You know, fuck off,
is the... is the message.

Not to you personally,

but that's the general message
that if you could pass that

up the... up the line.

Thank you.

Er, so to earn your health
and safety badge,

you must meet Ed, the inspector,

and you will be interrogated on
your health

and safety protocols.

The teams with the best health
and safety practices

- wins the badge. Hurray.
- Woo!
Everyone's turning off.

- Ah.
- There we go.

Ah!

HE LAUGHS

Did you place that chair?

Who puts a chair on an angle?

The health and safety here
is appalling.

I'd just like to refer you to some
incidents that I've observed today.

Earning your breakfast badge,
I believe you used forest garnish,

aka leaves, and served it
on top of the dish.

Get me some more, I need some more.
What green stuff?

- Yeah.
- There's just some on
the floor there, I just stood on it.

Shall I get that? Yeah,
that'll do. look.

I don't believe that that was either
edible or suitable

for consumption.

Bear Grylls drinks his own piss.

He could, probably would eat it,
if you could freeze it.

He'd probably have it as a
nice... Lollipop... pick up.

If he can drink his own piss,
why can't Judi utilise leaves

from the ground?

Could you please talk me through
your cleanliness routine today?

Is this about me dropping
the lime in the mud?

Did you drop a lime in the mud?

Did you catch it on camera or no?

I would go with a lime with
- the mouth.
- Yeah.

Oh, no.

I didn't see it.

Did you follow strict health and
safety procedures

while preparing David's breakfast?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Don't tell David I was scratching
my arse before I did this.

Would you care to elaborate?

No.

Guz moving fruit with his hand,
his whole hand

was inside the watermelon.

Babes, what are you doing?

I ate that.

Judi tasting with the spoon
she cooked with

and then didn't proficiently
clean it before reusing it.

Are you saying Judi's got
a dirty mouth?

- Mate.
- Because if you're saying it,
- Ed, just say it.
- Mate, mate.

I did wash it...

...with my tongue.

I don't believe you washed
your vegetables.

When you say it like that it makes
me like him more.

You were a bit flirty there, Ed.

You get Roisin going with
- that talk.
- Say it again.

Chris, you touched the spinach
with your hands.

Chris, you fingered the salmon
and then touched the fruit.

At least the salmon enjoyed it.

That seems fair.

ED: Alan, did you cough and
sneeze over the food?

If they're asking us, it's because
they've got footage of it.

No, don't let them get into your
heads like that.

I haven't coughed and
sneezed on anything.

COUGHING
They do look like David's eyes.

THEY LAUGH

Chris, you sneezed on the food.

HE SNEEZES
Do we know what we're doing
- with this, Chris?
- Excuse me.

I didn't sneeze on the food.

That spinach was green before
I started.

Guz, I believe you almost stabbed
yourself with a knife?

INSECT BUZZING
Bread.

I felt something.

I was gonna stab myself did
you see that? I was gonna...

But he almost, so...

I knew a guy who almost once joined
the Taliban, he didn't. So...

You said, "If that creep is
still near us

"when we do our presentation
then we can kill him."

I'm not sure if I...I said something
similar to that.

If the creep is near us when we're
doing our presentation... Mm-hm.

we can kill him as a vampire.

Ee, ee, ee!

My final question -

there was a reference to
making a sex den.

Is that appropriate
workplace behaviour?

- Who said that?
- Um, I mean...

I never... Did you say that?

What about a, like, a sex den?

Huh?

I didn't say I was selling sex. Huh?

Did I say I wanted to give away
the coochie?

Did I tell you to jump in
the chum-chum? Huh?

Ed, you wanna jump in the
chum-chum?

Did I say that, Ed?
- - - Ed?
- No.
- Go on.
- No.

Right,
so what's wrong with a safe space

and place for people to dagger,
dagger, dagger, dagger in?

Judi...
What's your number?

What's your number?
Erm... What's your phone number?

Judi, thank you very much.
What's your number?

Guz, thank you very much.

I saw you when we was talking about
running in the chum-chum.

Watch me walk away, Ed.

Watch me, Ed.

I need to go toilet.

Excuse me, Roche, coming through.

We worked hard today.
I've worked so hard,

one of me eyelashes is
- dropping off.
- Yeah?

I've got to take this off.
I came in here full glam.

You still look glam.
You still look glam.

You know, Judi's face constantly
bounces between,

like, late A levels
and early GCSEs. You got a very...

She does look young.
You look young today.

- ...very young face.
- It's cos I've got
the canerows in. What I will say,

can someone please remind me
I've got this on my hand

because you know me,

I'm probably going to see it
and scream. Oh, my God.

Time to face the music and dance!

Except not dance.

No dancing.

And there's no music either.

Look, just come up to the tent
and sit down... and listen!

It's the end of day two,

and the Outsiders have attempted

to impress me with breakfast in
bed...

Maybe say a prayer first.

...created a tool from
a pile of old junk

with multiple uses -
from two to none...

Piss through there.

Pluh!

...and abused a man with a clipboard.

We can kill him with the vampire.

Ee-ee-ee!

But have they done enough
to earn a badge?

It's time to find out.

- Hello.
- Good evening.

Good evening. Welcome.

First badge, the breakfast badge.

Your challenge was
to curry favour with me by making me

a lovely breakfast in bed.

And you started by bartering for
a set of ingredients.

Chris and Laura,
you got the deluxe package.

What did you offer
to get that.

Back and neck massage.

And it turns out
he lives in my local area,

so I did offer to take him out
for food.

Which you won't.

First of all, that guy was stupid
because he chose...

Go on, king, go on... a fake
friendship that's never going to

come to fruition from Chris over
here.

"Oh, you live in
Kingston on Thames, do ya?"

"Yeah, I do mate. Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I fucking do."

Why do I sound like a...?
"All right, let's be friends, then."

I started off as a West Country
farmer there and morphed.

Yeah.
He got there in the end.

We got there in the end.

It was a slow progression to Scouse.

A swift journey up the West Coast
there, bypassing Wales.

Yes.

Who got the standard package?

- We did.
- Got?

The robbers.
- Got the standard package.
- Yes.

They ran away with it.

We offered him a hug and a tug.

And I don't know how a back rub

and dinner with Chris McCausland
beats a hug and a tug.

But by comparison,
we were the lesser evil,

I think is what we're saying.

We first offered, like,
a nice cuddle.

If you go in for a nice tight hug,

he wouldn't have known who was doing
the hand job, would he?

What they did,
there's an old saying. Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Stolen food, right...

Yeah.

...will leave trespassers on
your chest.

Is that an old saying?

You'll have indigestion.

But we also had a level of
decorum which is -

in a post-apocalyptic world, you got
thieves running around here trying

to wank people off.

You got people over here trying
to offer fake friendships,

and we just stuck by the rules.

I wonder when Chris is going to call
me and take me for dinner.

- None of that happens!
- Chris!

That's what he said.

As a result of your various offers
of sweets,

sexual favours,

what transpired is Chris

and Laura have the best ingredients,

followed by Alan and Roisin and
you... Have the shit.

...Judi and Guz,
have the shit package.

We're gonna look at the breakfast,
Alan and Roisin.

We've got a nice face there.

Yes, there was a lot I liked
about it,

although I'm not mad on the face.

Guz and Judi,

it was not a bad showing from
the shit ingredients.

Yeah, that don't look basic.
It don't look basic.

Chris and Laura, another face.

Not as good as ours.
Well, it's got a tie.

It's got a necktie.
It's got a necktie.

It's got no nose!

LAUGHTER

I like them faces

and I would enjoy receiving them

faces on food if I
was seven, six years old.

- Exactly, yeah.
- OK.

I believe you are in your late 40s,
brother. Yeah, yeah.

We gave you a mature meal with
the most basic of amenities.

You poached a pineapple ring
and put it on a bit toast.

Don't belittle it. Your meal looking
like if comic relief did

a Tesco meal deal.
That's what theirs would look like.

Look at the state of that.
Oh, come on, look at that.

I don't even know what that means.
Looking very childlike.

An excellent
juxtaposition of brands.

Look, there's no doubt for me,

you elevated the basic package
to being

a better breakfast than
the standard package. I'm, sorry.

We did a robbery for you.

Did the robbery.

Yeah, you've risked your...

We offered sex.
We offered sexual favours.

And this is why they won't make any
more Jonathan Creek.

Cos I'm wanking people off
over here.

Why could you not have used
the offers of sexual favours

and/or theft to obtain
the smoked salmon

and very high quality organic fruit?

In this badge,
it was a two-part test.

You've got to get the best
ingredients by whatever sort

of trade or dishonesty you can.

And you did fail at that part.

You then elevated your
ingredients with

the manner in which you
prepared them.

But you did not elevate it
sufficiently to overtake

the higher quality ingredients
obtained by Chris and Laura.

They get the badge.
Congratulations.

Justice, justice has been done.
- Yeah.
- Congratulations.

Ah, well done, us.

There we go.

The next badge we're
going to do is the Health

and Safety badge.

You'll notice, Ed, the health and
safety guy's no longer with us.

He has left, having put in
a formal complaint against me

for bullying in the workplace to
the head of the production company.

Damn.

That's fair.

How did you find him?

A very weird twit.

- I like that word.
- Twit?

A very weird twit!

He was a bit of a twit, I think.

I've not heard twit in a long time,
and I feel glad of that.

All I'm going to say is
if any of you had any trouble

with him at all, by all means,

just mention it because
you'd be doing me a favour.

Well, look, before he left,
he gave me his findings.

Judi melting cheese in a kettle.

Blind man using mini
guillotine.

Attempts to kill health
and safety inspector.

Just skip to the end.

Oh, well, there we go.

He has given the badge to
Alan and Roisin.

Ah, wow, we got badge, Roche.

Put that there.
- Yes, there we go.
- Congratulations.

Erm, and now the multi-tool badge.

You were asked to create
a portable device

with multiple functions.
Here are your inventions.

We'll start with Alan and Roisin's.

It's those two hard hats
with various things attached to it.

What are those rings there?
What were they?

To detect spirits, vampires...
Vampires.

...after dark. And the helmets -

we didn't realise this
until we put them on -

allow you telepathic communication.

My concern. And it's not just...

I'm not sitting here thinking, "Oh,
they've just stuck stuff to a hat."

I'm not thinking that.

You know how anyone that's come into
camp as a guest or a visitor...

Yeah... she's presumed they're a
ghost. Should we tool her up?

Then you think there's
a chance that someone,

a non-vampire could end up with
a stake through

the heart and then, you know,

there's no-one to make us
teas and coffees?

I'm saying, not possible, probable.

Honestly, the single-handed most
impressive thing about

these hats is that somehow
in a post-apocalyptic world,

you have channelled
the power of telepathy through

a hard hat from Wickes.

LAUGHTER

That is incredible.
Innit? You get me?

Credit to Wickes though.

They didn't have the idea
for telepathic hats.

They made something with
a single function

and then an accidental by-product

of it was that they think
it's telepathic.

So really,
by setting out to design

the multi-function tool,
they've failed.

Chris, yeah, some
of your criticisms were valid.

I would say delivered
with admirable seriousness.

LAUGHTER

So, Chris and Laura,
will you talk us through your item?

Firstly, its name.

The Porta.....Caught a...
Slaughter.....Water.....Sorter.

On one hand, it is a bird attractor
and slaughter device, and they go,

"Oh, look at that flamingo
having a nice time."

They come down, chop the bird's head
off with the guillotine.

You take over on
the water sorter part.

It gathers water,
goes down the drainpipe

and it gathers in
the bottom flamingo.

What, the blood? The blood?
That's separate.

The water goes in there

and then it's filtered into
an inner thing there...

I'm gonna argue those two things
actually are made worse

by being together.

Putting them together is
a hygiene...

You're going to get a two
on Deliveroo.

LAUGHTER

I was backing you, Chris.
Cos you were very vehemently...

But it's one thing.
...spitting out how shit,

and it is a shit hat.
And you were saying it...

- But it's one thing.
- Clearly,
they are shit hats and we're like,

"Yeah, they are shit hats."

And then now you bought us
a round wheelie bin.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

And somehow, you're telling us that

- in England it's mainly pigeons,
ain't it? I think that'd be fair -

a pigeon wants to the even shag
- a flamingo.
- Laura's face.

How is the pigeon even
going to be attracted to

the flamingo in the first place
for you to chop his head?

Terrified of it,
- absolutely terrified of it.
- Innit?

If you look at the flamingo's face,
it's even saying,

"Why the bumbaclaat am
I even in this shit?"

He don't want nothing
- to do with it.
- Neither of them do.

- Look at this.
- Look at his face.

"Just somebody chop off
my own neck."

That's the two unhappiest birds
I've ever seen. Look.

Now let's just move on to
Guz and Judi's.

It's called It's a Wrap.

It's a Wrap. Uh-huh. With a W.

- Yep.
- And this is a portable prison.
- Prison.
- Yeah.

- What?
- I knew,
this is absolute chancers.

Our device genuinely does multiple
things and well.

But the sides are empty.

No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Babe.

Hold on, David gonna let you know.

Let me tell you, Roisin,
when you're wearing it,

it is difficult to get out of.
It is difficult.

Not necessarily as difficult as
Strangeways.

It also is a mobile toilet.

Yes.
- What?
- It's a mobile toilet.

Yes. You can... Yes, you can...
- Where?
- Cos you'll literally...

Cos that's where the cone comes,
cos the cone...

Oh, come off it.

What's the benefit of doing poo in
a cone. I don't get it.

That's what I mean,
in real prison...

Oh, you haven't lived, Chris.

But why do you need the cone?
Because you've got a big...

Because human rights, dignity.
Give some dignity.

I think you might have been...
Shit in a cone!

...overestimating how dignified it is

to stand in front of lots of people
and piss or shit into a cone.

I mean, some prisons...
Yeah, exactly, listen.

I think that's not, you know...
Some prisons...

The third part to this...
The third element.

...is the entertainment stand?
Entertainment station.

When you've got
the toilet part on your head,

on top of the hard hat,

Guz hits very, very, very,
very loudly on it.

You can hit hard.

And makes various sort of
general rappy sort of noises.

Saying things like,
"Wipe a ma-cocky."

You said, "Wipe a ma-cocky."
- Yeah.
- You did say it.

You did, you said.
I didn't say that.

What did you say?
Upon the toilet.

Upon de toilet.'Pon de toilet.
Oh, yeah.'Pon de toilet.

You tried to make me say it
in an accent...

I mean, I'm not being funny...
...that might have been a
- - career-ender for me.
- No.
- No.

Cos I was there with you.
You would have been legitimising it?
Yeah, because we was there.

That would've been fine. Twitter
would just go, "Oh, fine nothing to
- see here," would it?
- Yeah, no.

We have to bring this to
a conclusion - none of them do

the things that they're designed
to do in any way.

- What?
- No, no, no, no.
- No.
- How can you...?

David, you've lost
the run of yourself man.

Ludicrous statement I've ever heard
- in my life.
- Same.

Sober up!

LAUGHTER

David, that is...
You're acting like Ed right now.

Yeah, he's got to you.

He ate Ed and became Ed.

None of them work.

I am judging them on
the things that they aspire to do.

Vampire catching

and mobile prisons are
a less practical aspiration...

Oh.

...for the apocalypse than catching
things to eat and purifying water.

And therefore...

Oh, yeah.

...the victory goes.
Yes.

...to Chris and Laura. There we go.

- Three.
- The overall situation...

I'm not even clapping.

...Chris and Laura have three badges

and the other two teams have
one badge each.

Yeah!

Tomorrow is another day.
No more health and safety nonsense.

I'll see you all then.
Ha-ha! Bye-bye, Ed, you BLEEP.

There's been a murder in camp.

Don't lie to us!

He was in the woods,
that means it was him.

Absolutely the scariest person
so far.

To earn your rationing badge,

you must work out how
to correctly portion your food.

Three.

This is a shitshow, this.
It's not a shitshow.

Next badge. Livestock.

I think it's a boy.
We've had a boy.

Don't move! Don't move! Don't move!

LLAMA BRAYS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media