All language subtitles for d.m.o.s03e01.720p.web.h264-skyfire

Society has ended.

There's been a catastrophe,

and most of humanity has
been wiped out.

It was bound to happen
sooner or later.

In this post-apocalyptic wilderness,

six comedians have survived -

and we've given them six days
to rebuild civilisation.

Ooh.

Should be enough.

"Prepared" is a funny word,
isn't it?

Mentally? Not at all.

Physically?

Not at all.

THEY GIGGLE

What's the best outcome
of an apocalypse?

It's probably death, isn't it?

Well, this is your worst nightmare.

Each day, they'll be
learning vital skills...

- Spider!
- Ah! Where?

You didn't fall for that shit,
did ya?

...and competing for badges...

Some rules are made to be bent.

And I'm here for that.

The skills that I bring to the
table in this setting are minimal.

I'm a pervert.

I'm really good working with others,
as long as they do

exactly what I tell them to do.

I always think to myself,
"What would David Mitchell do?"

And I do that.

And then, I hope one day
that he sees it.

♪ He's got a badge to give away

♪ What is the game that
we will all play? ♪

CHEERING

Will they thrive?

This is either going to be
absolutely dogshit...

I hate it!

...or a lot of fun.

Will they die?

Don't move, don't move, don't move.

The insurance waivers
have been signed.

The cesspit has been dug.

We're ready to go!

This is Outsiders!

Wow, look at this.

Let's all turn around
and walk the other way.

This is proper outside,
- - though, innit?
- Yes.
- Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Would you like a wardrobe,
or something?

I thought it was...

Yeah.

This is not what I expected.

Erm, might need to have a little
conversation with my agent.

There's only three tents!

CHRIS:Past, present, and future.

THEY LAUGH

Quick, bagsy this one.

There we go.

No, there's already a dead fly
in my tent.

GUZ:There is a dead fly in there.
There's a dead...

This is what I said,
there's a dead fly!

I don't really like grass
and outdoors.

I like electricity and carpet,
and underlay that's like

four, five, six millimetres thick.

Can you get disease from them?
- Yes.
- What?

Rabies and stuff.

Fly rabies, you can get that,
- can't you?
- Yeah.

I think mine and Roisin's chances
of winning are... slim to nil.

However, I know that
the other teams are useless.

So, where do we go toilet, guys?

LAURA:I think that's where
the rules have to start.

Cos I'll be honest with you,
I've camped before,

and people get caught short in
the middle of the night,

they think they're being discreet,
weeing behind their tent,

but we can all hear it,
and it sounds like a racehorse.

ROISIN:I like the fact
that you aimed that at me.

Like you've looked around
and thought, "She's the one."

If anyone's going to get
caught short...

I have been camping before.

Hell. It's just taking all
the worst bits of life

and making them harder,
and doing it outside.

Based off these first impressions,
I would've rather gone to prison.

LAUGHTER
They've got showers there.

There's a shower in your room.

- JUDI:Babes.
- Yeah.

This feels like every
pub in Hackney.

LAUGHTER

How far will Chris and I be
willing to go to win?

Well, look, he's a Scouser.
I'm a cockney.

I don't think we're beyond a
little bit of skulduggery.

CHRIS:You seen that film Alive,
where they have to eat each other?

- Yeah.
- Scary how quick...
I think it's like that.

We keep on going until
there's one left.

You went quick to that,
- really quickly to that.
- What?

Eating each other alive.
No, not alive.

You have to kill each other first.

I mean, Laura seems nice,
doesn't she?

But I'm sure, in an apocalypse,
if she ran out of food,

she'd probably club me over the head
and eat me over a fortnight.

To use modern marketing speak,
Alan is actually grass-fed,

so he's probably prime...
JUDI:Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, you'll be sitting on
that naked later.

LAUGHTER

Come on, Al, squat lower!
Get those cheeks done.

Can't you put me in some tinfoil,
- or something?
- Nope!

I mean, less humiliating.
No, I like to see it.

Like, trussed up with string.

The person who gets eaten is
the one who can't get away.

- What?
- The one who can't get away.

I'm in flip-flops,
that don't bode well.

This is the question.

What is quicker? A blind man,
or Roisin in flip-flops?

LAUGHTER

Well, we all know
the answer to that Chris.

The new title of the show.

HE SIGHS
Oh, God.

GUZ:Jude, there is bear flies
coming around, just.

What, like, yeah, do it,
do it, do it.

Good morning!
ALL:Morning!

Welcome, Outsiders.

To outside!

Just get the name of
the programme in so people know

what they're watching.
THEY LAUGH

Can I ask a question?
You know to go outdoors...

Yeah... you have to go out a door.

Is that why it's called that?
ALAN:I would think technically...

That's what it is.
Really, literally.

Out the door, not in the door.
Out the door.

So, outdoors only became
a thing once...

CHRIS:Doors were invented.
- Doors were invented.
- That's wild.

ROISIN:What was it before that?
Used to be called through the hole.

LAUGHTER
Erm, right to the first badge.

ALL:Ooh!

Badge one - Smuggling Badge.

"As society is built back
from the ruins

"and trading starts to take off,

"a black market will flourish.

"Any goods in short supply
will rocket in value.

"So, Outsiders,
that is an opportunity.

"So, to earn your Smuggling Badge,
you must attempt to get

"as much illegal contraband as you
can past Border Control.

"The pair who gets the most items
successfully past the customs

"officer wins the badge.

"But be warned, the customs officer
is a complete bastard."

It's me!
LAUGHTER

OK. Well, you have 30 minutes
to hide your contraband.

- Off you go.
- Right.

GUZ:What is a contraband?

ALAN:Let's just nick the badges.

- ROISIN:Oooh!
- OK.

- Is this it?
- Oooh.

There's jewels, there's money.

There's all sorts here.

I think we can cut into things,
hide in things.

CHRIS:Did you say you've got
a prosthetic?

Here, give us your hand.
There you go.

So, this isn't real?
- That's not real.
- Is it hollow?

Well, I could get a Faberge egg
and a few wads of cash in there,

- I reckon.
- Oh, OK, fantastic.

Oh, look Roche. Hat!

You could wear something
under your hat.

I could give it a go.
What about this?

CHRIS:I mean, I am the worst person
to be paired with for this,

because I haven't got a bloody
clue what we've got.

- What's this?
- Poison?

Do we put that in..?

Oh, don't drink it,
it's got a toxic sign on it.

GUZ:I'm feeling like a majority
of stuff, I could just -

we could put in our trousers.

The tings.

- Yeah.
- Wait, hold on, and I'll be
like, "Yeah, brother, wagwan?"

- - Damn!
- You good, yeah?
- Yeah.

And if he says,
"How are you feeling?"

I'll say, "I'm just happy
to see you."

THEY LAUGH

OK.Luckily, I'm not well-hung,
so there's plenty of room.

JUDI:D'you know, it's just
at the bottom there,

but it looks like it's a part of...?

Can you just tuck it
into the bottom?

Oh, it's been a long time
since I told a man,

"Can you tuck it into the bottom?"

I'm that man!

Cash, money! I was going
to put it in my sock.

That's where I always put
my cash and money.

This is going where the money is.

In the booty! Aha!

CHRIS:There you go.

I once got an Argos
catalogue under my boob.

They're big for bazookas.
How's this?

That's perfect - I can't even...

Look like lovely breasts to me.

The art of smuggling is about
taking everyday objects

and repurposing them
to contain illicit contraband.

Hence my, my mid-morning
croissant actually contains

a roll of banknotes.

Am I enjoying an everyday
holiday AJ Cronin omnibus?

No, I'm not.

I'm going to kill you.

And lastly, I am smuggling
small birds in my underpants.

I am literally wearing
budgie smugglers.

BIRDS SQUEAK

SQUEAKING STOPS

SOLITARY SQUEAK

How big is this,
compared to the trolley?

We could possibly lay it
under blankets,

do you want me to get
the things off?

Oh, sorry! I can't help
but feel that was my fault.

JUDI:Is he really going
to lift that up?

I assume he would.

But there's no harm in us
at least trying it,

cos that's a big ass picture.

How are we going to -
I can't put that down my trousers.

We could gaffer it to the
underside of the cart.

I'm starting to see a
new side to you.

That's the horn down my trousers.

WHEEZING LAUGHTER

I think you've smuggled before,
it's coming too easy.

LAURA:I think I'll cut
into the fruit.

Right.

There we go.

ROISIN:Oh, that's good. Lovely.

That's quite smuggly, isn't it?

Maybe just open the pills
and just spill 'em in.

This is someone's actual medication.

"Where's my migraine tablets?"

Oh, this is getting a bit gross.

Oh!

Oh, that's good.

That's very good.

THEY LAUGH

Nothing to see here.

Absolutely full of drugs now,
we just...

What we look like now is
actual drug smugglers!

Actual drug smugglers.
And shit ones.

Perfect.

So, what are you doing now?

I'm going to stick the axe to
the bottom of the cart.

Ohh! This is good.

JUDI:Go up the back.

- This is quite intimate.
- Yeah.

Ooh.

Careful it doesn't fall on you.

It's all fun and games until
the axe goes through

the top of your cranium.

You're not even touching
the sides, up. Push harder.

What's wrong with you?

This is, it feels...

What's happening right now
feels very Haram.

LAURA STRAINS

ZIPPER ZIPS

I mean, it's rude to question
someone's gender, isn't it?

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, that's it.

- That's it. That's it.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Hold on!

I'm nearly there!

- Yeah, right.
- How was that for you?

ALAN:Have we gotta smuggle this?

No, no, that's not going to work.

No, no.

Now it looks like a body.

It's a corpse.

And to unwrap it would
be disrespectful.

But mainly, it's the top half...
of Uncle Brian.

Look sad, we're in mourning.

So, what do you think
our backstory's going to be?

- We are in love.
- We are in love.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we've just
come back from our wedding.

You can't mess with a backstory!

Oh! We could say we're trying to
bring our sick friend to a doctor.

CHRIS:And we are trading fruit
- for medical care.
- Yes!

Quick. We-We ain't got long.

Two more to go.

LAURA:Oh, ow!

Oh, I think I've got an axe wound.

GUZ:Judi...

...gone!

Feel like we are smugglers now.

Right, let's go.

LAURA:No-one'll suspect a thing.

Our friend may live!

I feel like the wheels
is going to come off.

ALAN:Got the handbrakes on.

THEY LAUGH

ALAN:Finally, the border,
after all these miles.

HE GROWLS

Oh, no.

There's a Customs official.

Stop there, please.

Hold there, please.

Stop the cart there, please.

Oh, thank God we found help!

- What?
- We're so pleased to see you.
Thank you, sir.

I don't believe you.
We really are. Our friend is sick.

What, as in, you know, a pervert?

If you could come through
the scanner one at a time.

After you, my darling.

I love you so much.

IMITATES ALARM

Ahem, excuse me.

"Beep!" Sorry, stop there please.

IMITATES KLAXON
Come through.

You've set off the scanner.
Oh, perfect!

If you could just stand
in this thing -

we should've come up with
a name for it.

First, I'm going to search you.

I don't like anyone behind me
with a wooden paddle.

Well, this is your worst nightmare.

Bee-bee-bee-bee-beep.

I think it might be these.
May I see them?

Oh, they're very nice.

- May I?Sure.
- Cos, I do...

I do like them, I must say.

Could you remove your hat,
- please, sir?
- Yes, of course.

Turn your hat upside down,
please, sir.

Yes, of course.

All right. That seems to check out.

I have been thinking
about getting some shades.

- I think they're you.
- Really?
I think they're you.

Where do they come from?

Oh, Dior's.

- - They're mine?
- Dior's.
- Oh, sorry.

I'm just going to scan your friend.

Don't get too close!

He's... Really sick.

Really, wasting disease.

Do you think I shouldn't?
I don't think you should.

Well, he looks all right,
- doesn't he?
- Yeah, he's fine.

Beep-beep-beep. Would you mind
removing your hat?

Beg your pardon?
Would you mind removing your hat?

So, there's a - not to overplay
this - cultural situation that...

Yes... due to the fact that we're
very early on in the marriage,

just 48 hours...

Oh, congratulations.
Thank you. Thank you.

There are certain things
that we can remove garment-wise...

- Yeah.
- Yeah... and we can't.

My beloved wife can't take off
anything below the waist.

OK.I can't take anything
above the waist, sir.

Well, will you please remove
your trousers, then?

I beg your pardon?

Can you take the jacket off,
please, sir?

Ahem.

Sir! Ah!

What's this, sir?

That's a roll of fake money.

We're a travelling magic show,
and that's a fake...

These are your rolls of fake money?
Fake money, yeah.

I mean, in your defence, they do
have "specimen" written on it.

What's this?

Oh, sir!

Sir, I would never have
thought it of you.

A small vase!

It's for urine samples.
And you just...

LAUGHING: Is that...
my hands are covered in piss?

OK, so for clarity, in order
to remove your trousers,

we would have to do a sort of
blood ceremony, then wait 48 hours?

- That's correct.
- Yeah.

Well, that obviously
isn't practical.

Let's have a look at the car.

Hang on. What's that in there?

Is that just a Kit Kat wrapper,
or is that jewels?

Be honest.

Will you please, madam, will you
please return to the square?!

CHRIS:Is there something wrong
with a Kit Kat wrapper?

Well, if it's a Kit Kat wrapper,
you can go through.

Yeah, it's a Kit Kat wrapper.
It's a Kit Kat wrapper.

OK.

Oh... oh, my God.

ROISIN:Have you got any
family, sir?

Oh, my God, it's another...!

Are you going on holiday
anywhere this year?

It's a sword in a baguette!

No, no, it's a bread toaster.

It's for holding over fires.

That is, I will say, so obvious.

We should call our first child Sam.

Yeah. Well, it's a nice name,
- Samuel.
- Yeah.

Huh? Tablets?!

OK, I found some tablets.

What are these for?

Tell me, or I'll try one.

They're sweets.
Sweets? Are they?

Yeah, have five or six.

OK. They seem fine.

What's this?
GUZ:Oh!

May I just...?
THEY SCREAM

Oh!

Someone's gaffered this
to your cart, sir,

and shoved it under a blanket.

I'm going to have to confiscate
- this.
- No, no, listen!

Oh, I can feel...

- This is it.
- I can...

Don't touch it, cos it's -
- touch it.
- Yeah.

Oh, ah!
What is it, you OK, baby?

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Some breeze.

- Hang on what's this?
- Oh, oh...

I'm just - just a bit of...

- Oh-ho-ho!
- Ahem.

Oh, so what you're saying
is that this is magically linked

to your own person?

"Magic" is a very generic term.

- Yeah.
- She's spiritually
connected to the bust.

I'm cold, cos I'm so naked.

OK. Well, all right. OK.

Sorry, sorry, husband, could you
ask him to cover me back?

I'm feeling... Oh, OK.

You basically just pulled
her tits out.

And this is... That's a corpse.

- It's cursed.
- It's cursed.

What? That's cursed, seriously?
Yeah, yeah.

That's why it's wrapped up.

OK, I'll leave it.

Hang on, my God. I've never
seen anything so beautiful.

It's Frank's mother's.

It was her dying wish that
he would get buried with it.

No, but in this sector,
there's a duty on diamonds.

Put it in your top pocket.
Let's say no more about it.

Thank you.

Now, hang on.

There is a vase in this baguette.

Oh, the blessing! Thank you!

Thank you! You, you...

I knew you were special.

TEARFULLY:I knew you were special.

Wh-Why am I special?

They said the man who opens
thy bread and bring forth...

- The Vessel of Beauty.
- Yeah?

You shall once find.

It's a beautiful vessel,
can I keep it?

It will be a lovely way
- - to remember you.
- Yes.
- Yes.

You know, cos this has been...
this has been very nice.

Well, I think that's all fine.
- Whoo!
- Gosh.

Thank you so much for this.
- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

Er, and enjoy your honeymoon.

Thank you, sir.

Get well soon, sir.
- - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Is he on?

- He's talking now?
- Oh...

ELDERLY VOICE:
"Thank you very much, sir."

Frank, be quiet save your voice.

Don't mind me.

Is that an axe in your trousers,
or are you just pleased to see me?

Wahey!

- I mean, come on.
- Yeah, and we got
loads of stuff on the cart.

No-one's done better than that.
Ahh, there you go.

GUZ:This way?
Oh, yes.

Yes, please, do go through.

What did we take through?
Hat - that's not mine.

- Gwan.
- Yeah?
Let me show you what else.

- Hey.
- Ah, hold on a second.

Let me show you, though.
Oh, careful.

Whoa! Yeah, yeah.

- - Huh?
- That is wet.
- Hold on a second.

I don't know if I want to hold it.

- Damn.
- Cash for you!

- Damn.
- Six bags, cash.

What did you get, my baby?
The mullah.

- - Teamwork.
- Got the hat.
- Yes.

I've got the gold.
Gold in the boobs.

Got the juice from one of
my raving days.

- Hydrochloric acid.
- More gold.
There's more stuff in the melons.

There's more stuff in the melons.
There's more mullah!

We got stuff in the melon,
we got stuff in the bread.

PLAYS VICTORIOUS TUNE

You've had your balls in that.

Yeah, smell a bit.

Do pass through.

Welcome to the Hell Zone.

Working title.

Enjoy the sample jar.

Could have been worse, couldn't it?
Thousands of pounds.

So, we gave him the fake money.

That was our ruse, but actually,
we got through lots of money.

We done pretty well.

Well, once again,
Sam has taken the...

is it the road less travelled?

The road more?
The long and winding...?

He's gone totally bent.

Did you know, if you fire a gun,

and at the same time
as you fire the gun,

you drop a bullet out
the other hand...

Go on... the two bullets,
the one fired from the gun

and the one that you drop on the
spot, will hit the ground

- at the same time?
- Say more.

That's all I know.
I learned it on QI.Oh.

Is everything true on QI,
or sometimes they chat shit?

No, it's all true.

Are you good at pub quizzes
because of QI?No.

THEY LAUGH
QI was fun.

You were magnificent.

- So funny.
- Oh, thanks, babe.
We loved it.

My mum loved you on The Wheel, Judi.
Well, I won someone money hopefully?

You won someone big, big money.

What was your expertise?

Cartoons.

THEY LAUGH

OK, do you know what breed
Scooby-Doo is?

He's a Cockatiel - not Cockatiels,
what they called? Cockatiels?

- Not cockatiels.
- Cockapoos!
Yeah, Cockapoos.

What breed, is he? Great Dane.
Great Dane.

Is he - he don't exactly look
like a Great Dane, is he?

Would you like it if dogs could
talk or not, though?

I don't think I would.

I'd like it if they could whisper.

Like, if you had to get up close,
and they went...

No, that's too creepy.

..."Just stand still,
there's a cat behind ya."

I'd like my dog to whisper,
you know, like,

"I think the postman's here."
FURIOUS BARKING

"There's a fox in the garden."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Could I have a bit of that?"

We project so much onto them.
But dogs and cats do talk.

I know, but we are able to think
how much they love us,

because they don't say,
"I don't like you."

You want to exploit the ambiguity
of your dog's noises.

"What's that? You love mummy?"

Yeah, that's it, I don't want them
to be, like, "I don't like it here."

As you're opening a tin,
your dog's going...

"I want a new life!"
"..Not that shit again."Yeah.

CHRIS:Guz, are you regretting
those PVC trousers, mate?

Yes, they're disgusting.

I've got fluid coming out of places
I didn't even know it was possible

for the fluid to come out.
I can't imagine how much liquid is

gathering in the back of your knees
- at the minute.
- Yeah.

I've still got
the earrings on from the...

That was the smuggling hat.
That's hiding in plain sight.

Shall I take them out? No.
Too late, Mitchell's here.

- Hello.
- They look nice.
"Shall I take him out?" Murder?

Are you contemplating murder?
THEY LAUGH

Hello, all.
ALL:Hello.

Done some nice smuggling?
You enjoy that?

Enjoyed you as a customs official.
Thank you.

I quite enjoyed myself,
if that can sound -

if I can say that without
sounding masturbationary.

Masturbationary?
Masturbatory.

THEY LAUGH
Mas-TUR-batry.

Stationary wanking cupboard.
In the masturbatory, with the penis.

CHRIS:Masturbationary is just
masturbating in one place, isn't it?

No, it's masturbating in Rymans.

LAUGHTER

Er, there's another badge to do.

Badge two - Fable Badge.

ALL:Ooh!
OK?

"As you begin
to rebuild civilisation,

"you will need to educate the next
generation and teach them

"the difference between
right and wrong.

"To earn your Fable Badge,
you must devise and perform

"a story with a strong moral
or ethical component.

"You will be judged on
the originality of your stories

"and the clarity of the
moral message."

Has anyone found fables, good moral
guidance in their own lives?

You know the Tortoise and the Hare -
was that a fable?

- That's a fable.
- Yeah, perfect.
That was a good one.

Wasn't "Riding The Hood," erm...

Not "Riding The Hood."

Little Red Riding Hood.
That's it, Little Red Riding Hood.

CHRIS:"Riding The Hood" I think
is a dogging film.

LAUGHTER

I am going to leave you
to devise your fables.

I can't wait to see them.

And I'm now going to exit, to give
an appropriate cutting point.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

I like clapping more.
We should clap more.

LAURA:Oh, here we go.

So, we've got a table of stuff,
have we?

We have got a table of stuff.

- Whoa!
- Oh, sorry.

I'm going to walk into a lot
of tables this week.

LOUD INSECT BUZZING

What the fuck was that?
Did you hear it?

THEY LAUGH

I just went, "Did you hear it?"

Of course you didn't hear it,
it was in my ear.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, there's a little girl puppet.

Oh, there's a dog puppet.

Now we're getting somewhere.

- Wizard.
- Witch.

Ooh.

Crone's nose.

There's some good props.

GUZ:So, talk to me,
what we going to do?

What do you think?

Wh-What about?

Do you want to be
the Wizard or the witch?

I wouldn't mind being the wizard.
You be the wizard, then.

What about...?

We're entirely self-interested.

We're doing nothing
whatsoever for the community.

So, in the beginning,
where should we say we are?

In a land...

That time forgot.

Good.

- What should be call it?
- Essex.

THEY LAUGH

So, we got a dog, a monkey...
And a shark!

- A dog, A monkey, a shark.
- Oi.

How about, they're all
scared of the shark,

and they befriend the shark,
and they te...

- And then, he eats them.
- What?

Then he eats them.
LAUGHTER

What's the moral?
"Never trust a shark."

Don't let certain people
in your yard.

I mean, Little Red Riding Hood
was taking all the things

that weren't hers,
from right underneath you.

Guess what Goldilocks was doing?
- What?
- The same thing.

As a general rule of thumb,
if you don't know the little girl,

you shouldn't be letting little
- girls in your house anyway.
- No.

"Many..."Days ago.

"..Days ago, there was
a wizard and a witch."

"Who didn't get on."

"They used to get on."

Yeah, actually they did.
Had good times.

A night out... went wrong.

What did I do?

Too much of that.

Too much abracadabra when
he's had a drink.

There's a shark. Pbbt!

Ooh, but he's a cheeky monkey.

The shark eats him, and you go,

"Oh! He shouldn't have been
a cheeky monkey."

I think we're stuck on this moral,
aren't we?

Yeah, sharks will be sharks.
- Sharks are bastards.
- Yeah.

So, we're saying, "Don't let
anyone in your yard."

Why?

"Verily, once you have put
your time, your effort,

"your skill, your love, your vigour
into attaining the bag..."

Money."..You don't just let go,
Red Riding hood,

"all them other the girls,"

"come in your house while you're
not even in, and take it!"

- Yeah.
- Sleep in your bed.

- Yeah.
- Open your fridge.

- Hah.
- Shit in your toilet.

- Hey!
- None of it.

So, you need to secure the bag.

- These are our wands.
- Yeah.
These are our magic things.

"They're individual wands,
a-weakening and weakening.

"And then, one day,
they accidentally touch wands,

"and there's a little..."

That's really good.

"And they realised that, by working
together that, we have powers,

"and we can do things."
That's really good.

So, the moral of the story is...

..."Don't let anybody in your house."

And that can be seen as a metaphor.

Is that right?
That's correct. Yeah.

I know how we could do it.

So, I could be the granny cooking.

You've come in the house.
You've seen what I'm doing.

You ask all questions.

"Oh, what is that you're
putting in the pot?"

"What is that you're
putting in the pot?"

And then, a few days later,
I walk past,

and I see you selling what
I put in the pot

for ten times more.

And they - and the little people
start to rise up.

"Huh? Huh? What have you done?
It's wonderful."

"We are working together now for
the good of the community."

- That's perfect, I think.
- Yeah?

Is that not a good moral tale?
I think that's a good moral tale.

We'll need something
big and aggressive. Look.

- Yeah.
- Look, aggression.

Maybe she's riding him.

Aggressively.

Dog gets eaten, the monkey gets
eaten, then the little girl decides,

"well, what if we befriend
the shark?

"Surely, he won't eat me."

She befriends the shark,
she gets eaten.

And so, we end with the brutal
mutilation a-and eating alive

of a tiny girl with pigtails.
What's not to love?

JUDI:"It's a secret recipe.

"A secret recipe.
A secret..."

"Why don't you sell it?"
"No, no, no."

Why don't you just steal her?

What's his name?
His name is Colin.

His name's Colin,

and her name's Nisation.

WHEEZING LAUGHTER

ROISIN:Right, let's go story
the shit out of this.

Come on, then, Wizard.

It's very hard to breathe
when you're a witch.

Oh, no!

ALL GASP

- They're kids.
- Oh, my...

Oh, that's a stitch-up, mate.

Right.

So, got your fables ready?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

OK, we're going to go
Guz and Judi first...

JUDI:Oh, God.

Where did the kids c...?

What are the kids doing in
the woods with David Mitchell?

We've performed...

Hello, guys. Can we get a hello?

DEEP VOICE:Good evening!

Hi, kids!

KIDS, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hello.

Any fables that you think are
really stinky and boring?

Yours.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE

CHRIS:Slam!

Curveball by the way, those kids.
Tough crowd.

JUDI:"Woo, oi, oi, oi,
this is my secret recipe."

IMITATES KNOCKING

"Hello?"

"Yes, who, is it?"

"I just wanted to know if you'd
had any further thoughts on

"selling your secret recipe to me."

JAMAICAN ACCENT:"Come outta
me yard, dirty girl!"

DAVID LAUGHS

"I know where there are
lots of bananas.

"Jump on my back,
and I'll show you."

Yeah!

Grrr, doo-be-doo-be-doo.

Um! Num, num, num, num.
LAURA SQUEALS

ROISIN, DEEP VOICE:
A long time ago...

ALAN, NORMAL VOICE:
Everyone was having a terrible time.

There was a witch and a wizard,

and they were having an absolute
barney with each other.

"If we say my name first and your
name quickly afterwards,

"what does that say?"
"Colin-is..."

"Sation!"
THEY LAUGH

- You understand?
- Boo!
THEY LAUGH

I mean, we were set up, right?

Because we didn't know
we were delivering that

so-called fable to kids.

There was no talk of kids.

We had to PC that up quickly.

"I know where there are
lots of bones -

"over the other side of this river!"

ALAN:Chris and Laura, well,
outstanding work from Chris.

He resisted doing a scouse shark,

which, in some ways, was a shame.

Doo-da-doo-da-doo.

Baa-ba-baa-ba-baa!

And it's amazing
how entertaining kids find that.

Doo-da-doo-da-doo...

Um! Num-num-num-num!
LAURA SQUEALS

And the leader showed up one day
and said - begged the wizard...

ELDERLY VOICE:.."Please, sir..."

You're the wizard.
Oh, yeah. The witch.

THEY LAUGH

CHRIS:Oh, my goodness. I mean,
this fable makes no sense at all.

Yeah.

So, one day, the witch and
the wizard decided to meet up.

They were going to go to war.

Wh-What is it you want?

I wanted the recipe on
peaceful terms.

But now, I'm going to take the
recipe whether you like it or not,

Miss Black Hood!

No! Me said no! Help! Help.

- Get in there, Colin!
- Help, help!

Miss Black Hood,
we offered you peace,

but you wanted war!

- Ah!
- Ahh!

You leave me with just... my soul!

When Colin ate Mrs Black Hood,
they laughed.

Oh, did they? Did they laugh?

Just gotta figure out if
that laugh was out of joy, or...

Or, "This must be ending soon."

ALAN:Before I kill you, I bow to...

Ooh! Ooh!

HIGH-PITCHED:The leaves,
the leaves are growing!

The river, the stream is
full of fish!

They realised that
when they joined together,

they were able to unite and
share all the resources.

"Would you like to be friends?"

"I would love a friend."

Aww!

"Jump on my back,
and I'll give you a ride."

Aww!

"Oh, wonderful."

Ahh! Num-num-num-num-num!

"Let's go!
Let's go to Peckham High Road,

"where it's been
a gentrification..."

"And sell this to MacDonald's."

JUDI LAUGHS
APPLAUSE

I think we did a great job.

- And it had a moral to it.
- We did.

And that is the story of
the shark...

Da monkey!
...the dog, and the little girl.

GUZ:Yeah!
LIGHT APPLAUSE

- They loved it.
- Yeah.

Smashed it.

And that is called...

...Variations On Touching Wood.

Thank you very much.

LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE

GUZ:That was shit.

You were brilliant, Roche!
Absolutely brilliant. Nailed it.

Well, we were obviously the best.
Yeah, I feel pretty pumped.

Yeah, I think we could do it...

We could sell it.

That is, d'you know, there's
the potential there for something

that could run and run, and tour.
- The book.
- Yeah.

- - Podcast.
- Movie.
- Adult film.

OK, so just before we finish,

could you give me three adjectives
to describe each one?

So, firstly, three adjectives
for Guz and Judi's.

- Yep?
- Appalling.

"Appalling." Yep?

- Horrendous.
- Horrendous.

- Yep?
- Weird.

"Weird." OK.

And Chris and Laura's -
the shark one. Yep.

Violent."Violent."

Any others? Yep?

Amazing."Amazing."

You should see a Disney film.
You'll be blown away.

Goofy."Goofy." Great.

And Alan and Roisin's -
the witch and the wizard.

- Yep?
- Inappropriate.

"Inappropriate." Yup?

Touching."Touching."

And last one? Yes?

Erm, magical, sort of?

"Magical, sort of."
Magical, sort of.

Yeah, I think it needs
the "sort of".

Because let's not get overexcited.

Great. Thank you very much.
You've been extremely helpful.

You are now free to leave.

I assume they'll be OK.

We're nearing the end of day one
of my post-apocalyptic experiment.

ALAN:Let's all turn around
and walk the other way.

The Outsiders have found that
smuggling items through Customs

is child's play...

This is your worst nightmare.

...while entertaining children with
a magical, yet educational story

is a tougher challenge.

Any fables that you think are
- really stinky and boring?
- Yours.

But which one of them
has done enough to win

one of my coveted badges?

SHOUTS: All right, Outsiders!

Time to jingle and mingle!

- Come on!
- This is badges time.

Hello. Welcome, Outsiders.

It's the end of day one.

You've survived 24 hours.

Congratulations, you've genuinely
exceeded my expectations.

APPLAUSE
Thank you.

LAURA:Wait, I think
he's insulting us, actually.

Well, it was snide.

When we can't think of a joke,
just be unpleasant.

I mean, this place is nice.

How come we didn't see this
in the beginning?

Well, this, well, that's part
of the snide vibe.

I get a nice, big place.
"Snide vibe."Yeah.

This is where he's been hanging out.
The Snibe.

You should have a poster outside,
"Welcome to Snide Vibe."Yeah.

Could be a club, couldn't it?
- My club.
- Snide Vibe.

The club called Snide Vibe,
where we make judgmental comments.

"Oh, having another of those?
Got a problem?"

LAUGHTER

"Everyone in the gents looks
at your cock, and calls it small."

- Wow! Wow.
- Snide vibe.

Erm, now we have
two badges to award tonight.

Our first one the Smuggling Badge.

Alan and Roisin.

How would you describe your
angle on that badge?

We did our best to actually
- conceal things from you.
- Yes.

And we concealed quite a lot
- on the wagon.
- Yeah.

You didn't have a specific
subterfuge other than hiding things?

No. Well, kind of... Oh, no,
we had a specific subterfuge.

We were going to be people
transporting a cursed object,

was going to be the main
thrust of things.

But then, when you searched Alan,
- and he said "magician".
- Yeah.

So, you went magician, sort of,
slightly on the hoof?

On the hoof a little bit.

He's desperate to reignite
Jonathan Creek, isn't he?

Well, any opportunity.
Any opportunity.

LAUGHTER

Well, I'm going to move on
to Chris and Laura.

Your angle was a bit more specific.
What was that?

Transporting a sick patient.

Poor old Frank, with his wasting
- disease.
- Wasting disease. And...

I pretended to be blind.
It was really good.

- That was convincing.
- It was.
That's when we had him.

It was more convincing than
the limp you put on.

That limp was real.
That - was it?

I had an axe in me trousers.
The limp was real.

Well, I was definitely, I was thrown
by the whole disease thing.

Good story.
It was a good story.

And do you know what? My main worry
after today is whether you lot

are still going to be talking to us
when we get all the badges.

- Oooh!
- Yeah, there's an expression
for that sort of, you know...

She came with the...

- Snide vibes!
- Snide vibe.

Erm, Judi and Guz.

Well, explain your angle,
because this was quite theatrical.

We was like, even if David is bit
of a right-wing passport officer,

in real life, your energy's like a
nice solicitor that you won't...

You wouldn't put that in
the character.

So, we was like, if we go
with the culture thing,

then he is not going to press us
on this is my culture.

But we didn't play the card.

Nah, I played it hard.
Oh, did you?

You made me put an elephant
tusk down my trousers

and say it's your dick.

I never said it was your dick.
There was one thing I didn't like.

And, when we told you that
that bust had a physical connection

to Judi, the second thing you did
was jiggle its tits.

And we didn't like that.

I-I...You molested the bust!

In a world where a genuine parallel
exists between a polystyrene bust

and a real person, then this
might be the end of my career.

Erm, right.

So, here's a list of
the things that I retained,

that I managed from Chris and Laura.

A diamond necklace.

From Guz and Judi, a small vase.

From Alan and Roisin,
the medicine bottle,

the Faberge egg,
three bundles of cash,

a sword, and two Ming vases.

LAUGHTER

So... We thought we'd done well.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

I think you did do well, but also,

in another sense, you did worst.

So, you both got through,

but only leaving one item.

So, the winner is the one that has
left the item of the least value.

Now, I think the Customs officer
valued the diamonds highest -

and therefore, Guz and Judi,
you win the badge!

- Wooo! Thank you!
- Thank you.

Buuuuullshit!

Thank you for accepting my judgment
with the word "bullshit".

Now, you were asked to devise
a fable with a moral and present it

to a surprise audience of children.

I've rarely seen comedians react so
badly to the sight of an audience.

So, Guz and Judi, what did you make
of Alan and Roisin's fable?

I felt like theirs was,
you know, saying,

"Coming together will
make it easier."Yeah.

"And if you try to go your separate
ways, they'll fuck you up."

- Judi got it.
- I think that is
what they were saying.

OK, so, Alan and Roisin,

what did you make of
Chris and Laura's fable?

ALAN:It was very disappointing.

JUDI:Wow.

Because animals kept getting eaten,
kept getting killed,

kept getting killed.

And then, as the punch line,
they killed a child.

And the moral of the story is,
they don't care about life.

LAUGHTER

Any of those children going to walk
away and try to befriend a shark?

Yeah. They've learnt
a valuable life lesson.

A shark in a lake, in London?

But I'm sorry, I'd like...

Chris and Laura, what message did
you take from Judi and Guz's fable?

If you steal a sauce, you can
sell it to McDonalds,

or something, wasn't it?

I think it was don't
trust colonisers.

And that's a bad fable message?

I think that's a...

That's a bad - that's not the best
fable message that was on display?!

He's out here telling kids,
"Rub woods together."

In the end, we have to defer
to the children.

ALL GROAN

Now, Judi and Guz,

we asked for three adjectives
to describe your fable.

"Appalling."

- CHRIS:Yep.
- What?

"Horrendous."Yep.

And "weird".

I mean...

I think the third one's a bit...
It's hard to argue with.

The truth is the kids didn't get it.

They basically thought you were
advocating the thing

you were dramatising.

They thought you were
- advertising colonisation!
- Yeah.

Yeah, they thought that the moral
of your story was, "Theft is OK."

LAUGHTER

You basically relit
the fuse of imperialism

for a whole other generation.

I can't breathe!

So, they took your message
at face value, and that's that.

"Appalling, horrendous, weird."

So, let's move on to
Chris and Laura.

The time has come for
the children's adjectives.

OK.OK.

The first adjective is "violent".

- Yes!
- Which I don't think you can
- argue with.
- That's not a good word.

That is terrible, violent.
They're kids.

The second adjective is "amazing".

Oh, there you go, fantastic!

Very positive adjective.
There's no doubt.

Third adjective, "goofy".

Yeah, come on.
Smashed it, smashed it!

That sums us up, babe.
The morals they took from it were,

"Just because you're kind
doesn't mean that someone

"will be kind back to you."

I think that's a good lesson.
Yeah, that's a good...

"Sharks don't trust people,
so people shouldn't trust sharks."

Yep, all of these bang-on the nose.
Brilliant morals.

The thing is, is it a moral,
or is it just a sort of nihilistic

warning for life?

BOTH:Nihilistic warning for life!

Right. Alan and Roisin,
the children's words... OK.

...which are
"inappropriate touching".

Sorry, no "inappropriate, touching".
Inappropriate...

Right, you gotta, yeah.
So, two separate words.

Yeah, separate,
so "touching," positive,

"inappropriate," negative,
"touching," positive.

And then, the third one,
"magical (sort of)."

"Sort of," come on!
That's worse than weird.

The morals, they thought, that you
were trying to put across were,

firstly, "Touch everyone's wood."

ROISIN:They didn't say that.

I think some of those
children are across inuendo.

Oh, my God!

"Make friends with people you hate."

But they actually disagreed
- with that.
- Oh, do they?

They thought that was pointless.

So, well, what I would say
is that, of the three,

two of them had a good moral basis,

which are yours and yours.

And you, what you were essentially
saying was prudent advice,

but quite depressing.

But, unfortunately,
I then asked the children.

They gave...

JUDI:Why, why, why?
...Guz and Judi's fable one vote.

Alan and Roisin,
you got three votes.

But Chris and Laura got five.

Ah, there you go!
Violence! Goofy violence!

And so, the Fable Badge goes to the
creator of The Shark, The Monkey,

The Dog, and The Little Girl...
LAUGHTER

...Chris and Laura!
CHEERING

Absolute whitewash.

So, there we go.

That is day one.

The scores are -
Chris and Laura, one badge.

Guz and Judi, one badge.

Alan and Roisin have yet to badge.

Erm, I'm off now.

Going to take this,
and thanks for the advice.

I know where to hide it.

LAUGHTER

It'll be in Antwerp by morning.

"To earn your Breakfast Badge,

"find the itinerant merchant."

What you going to offer me for that?

- Hand job.
- A hand job?

No, you can give the hand job.
All right.

"Meet the inspector to earn your
Health and Safety Badge."

HE SCREAMS

Get rid of this kind of bullshit.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

"Create a portable device using
items from the scrapheap."

Two, three...

BOTH:Pun de toilet, pun de toilet!

I don't mean this rudely,
but you're an absolute psycho.

THEY LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media