All language subtitles for d.m.o.s02e06.720p.web.h264-skyfire

War,

pandemics,

climate change.

Ever wondered what would happen if
society ended

and we had to start again?

I bet you have.

I've used six comedians to find out.

Let loose in the wild to fend for
themselves,

as far as insurance and their agents
would allow.

What is my greatest fear in the
great outdoors?

I'd have to say

stampedes.

Each day they'll be learning vital
skills...

- Ugh!
- Right in the spuds.

What I lack in skill...

MONKEY NOISES

...I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

- I'll javelin him!
- Javelin him.

Stop the clock!

I think we'll have a lovely time,

as long as there's no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful of
everything.

I'd like to draw your attention to
the bucket.

HE SHRIEKS

- You ready?
- Yeah.

That didn't go very far.

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation? Don't worry about it.

Got that covered.

You're gonna dance?

♪ La, la, la. ♪

I've got 13 siblings, so

I grew up roughing it, d'ya know
what I'm saying?

HE LAUGHS

Can I have a diet coke, please?
THEY LAUGH

What kind of world will they build?

- Go on, have a play. Ooh!
- Ooh!

That would take a bit of getting
used to.

Will they thrive?

You were gonna make us look like
fools.
LAUGHING

Will they survive?

Oh, I didn't like that. Can I go
home?

Will they die?

They won't die.

Well, I mean, they'll die one day.

This is Outsiders!

Oh, my jumper's cover in thousands
of, sort of, bobbles.

MAISIE:Do you want meat sausage,
- Joe?
- Yes, please.

Can I take it with my fingers?

Well, it's too late now, isn't it?

FATIHA:So, guys, last breakfast.

Oh, it's emotional, isn't it? Last
- time.
- Is, um, it is emotional.

I've really enjoyed it.

I do feel like it's really easy to
enjoy camp life

when it's this weather.

- Mm.
- With this setup.

But previously, my camp life has
been, like,

a poorly constructed two-man tent.

I'm never gonna go camping without a
Chesterfield sofa.

No, that's where we've been going
wrong, isn't it?

PHIL:When you sit down and it
sticks to your skin.

AGREEING GROANS

So, what do you think we'll be doing
today?

Do you think David will take it easy
on us or do you think he'll push us?

It's all to play for, it's seven,
five, five, innit?

As camp mates that are also on five
badges,

Fatiha and Phil, do you think
there's a point to

trying to pursue a win?

Or do you think it's these two
cruising through?

Phil and Fatiha are going to win
tod-ay!

Guys, it's anybody's game.

MICROPHONE SQUEAKING
Good morning, Outsiders.

It's time for your first badge.

Please meet me as soon as possible

in the caravan park.

That's that bit of the wood where
there's an old derelict caravan,

with a couple of skulls in it.

You know the one.

JOE:Oh, my God.

Hi!

- Why's he got a giant bath?
- I'm not
bathing him!

In a post-apocalyptic world,

the luxury of running water and long
hot baths

would be a thing of the past.

But hygiene is important to
civilisation

and civility.

To earn your plumbing badge

you must run me a bath.

- Oh, that's all right.
- You'll each
have a reservoir of water

and an empty bath.

- Ah.
- You must devise a way of
getting the water

to the bath.

That's some stuff...

- Oh?
- Ah!..that you can use.
DARREN:Great!

The bath with the highest water
level

wins the badge.

So, that's the stuff, that's the
bath.

I'm gonna pull the thing

and then we are doing it.

Yes!

The Outsiders each have the exact
amount of water they'll need

in order to fill the bath.

Once I've pulled the plug,

they'll have precisely 11 minutes
until the water runs out

and their dreams of a badge go down
the plughole.

Rub-a-dub-dub.

Your pots need cleaning don't they, love?

Oh, that sounds erotic.

Yeah, it does a bit, doesn't it?
That does sound very erotic.

- Right, are you prepared?
- Yes.

I will pull that thing

and the water will start gushing.

- Oh, God.
- OK, and that is the start.
Gushing?

- Gushing out.
- That's a word you don't
wanna hear from David Mitchell.

Time is water, get it in the bath.

Ready, steady...

Oh, no!

Oh, oh, guttering, guttering!

Fuck.

Oh!

- - It goes quick.
- Gushing.
- There we go,
it's going.

Use these, use these.

Huh? Yes, yes, but let's get the
pipes together first.

Right, first one.

Second one.

So, that's good guttering.

Oh?

I mean...
HE LAUGHS

I see.

Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

What else do we have to do, is that
it?

Well, that, I don't think... I
mean...

You never said we couldn't move the
tub.

- No.
- No, that's... what you've done
is, is clever.

- He's an engineer, that's why.
- Yeah.

You've thought outside the box.

Engineering is all about finding the
laziest possible solution.

Yeah, absolutely.

Maisie, just carry the pots, just
carry the buckets.

Um... Oh, God, no.

Oh, God. No, wait, no, I've got an
idea.

I'd like to draw your attention to
something about the bucket.

It might be a clue.

HE SHRIEKS
Yeah.

Ah! Maisie!

That's, it's got holes in it.

Oh, there's hole in the... Yeah.
LAUGHING

- Ah.
- You cheeky...

What is clear here, and this is
interesting,

more water is coming out there,

than is going in there.

Well, that's not... So, this is
actually making water.

That's not physically possible.

Yes, but it is evidently happening.

- Yeah?
- Right, but the, the, but the
mass flow

will actually be lower in each
stream,

than in that one stream.

Mate, I know you like science but
you, you,

you can't deny the evidence of your
own eyes.

Knowing this though, all you need is
a magic bucket

and you literally treble the amount
of water.

One goes in, loads come out.

This is how the antivax movement
started, you realise.

Ready? Lift.

To m... to me.

OK.

No, it's going nowhere, there's,
there's...

Oh, no, no, it's going to the...

No, God!

OK.

- Oh, mother of God.
- We need to, um...

We've done it wrong, we've done it
wrong.

We just need to, just need to retape
it.

That needs to go on the top there.

- Yeah.
- Oh, ah!

Should we just abandon this and do
the buckets?

No!

I'm saying abandon and do the
buckets.

DAVID LAUGHS

Just get a bucket, just get a
bucket.

You're inf...

...you're infuriating!

Why...

Oh...

Fuck that shit.

SHOUTING:Fuck that shit!

YouBLEEP!

LAUGHING

What, now...

...you are fucking winding me up!

Look at the bucket, look at the
bucket.

Look at the bottom of the bucket.

Oh, f...
LAUGHING CONTINUES

You arseholes.

I guess we'll... We might as well
just...

You're gonna dance?

Thank you.

♪ La, la, la.

♪ La, la, la, la. ♪

Do you wanna join?

- The dancing?
- Yeah.

I'm not really a, sort of a, dancing
guy.

Oh, what's the, what's the thing
they want us to do?

LAUGHING
Oh, Maisie, wellies!

- There's no holes!
- Wellies, wellies,
wellies, wellies!

Oh, yeah.

The wellies probably don't have
holes in them.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

All r... I'm, I'm having to run.

No, take, I've just filled that one,
you fill that one.

Quick, quick, quick.

This is like the Titanic, with the
lifeboats that only had 12 people on
it.

It must have been tempting in the
lifeboat to think,

"I'd really love a seat to put my
bag on."

I know, you'd definitely be that.

I'll move it of someone asks me.

Yeah, you'd have your bloody panama
hat on one of the seats.

Sick bastard.

I don't think I'd be wearing a
panama in that season.

What has my life come to?

Hold the welly by the shaft.

Gently but seductively hold the
welly by its shaft.

You're dropping loads of it, but
it's fine at this point.

My only regret is not starting with
the wellies...

Ah!

Oh, you... Oh, oh!

Put stuff in to raise the water
level.

THEY LAUGH

It is still dribbling out

but, I would say, to an extent that
I could not be bothered with, if I
were you.

This has ended really sad.

Every little helps.

Yeah.

This is a really, this is... I'll
get, oh, God, I got...

...this is probably the saddest
ending we've had, Maisie.

LAUGHING
Maisie!

Thank you, David. Enjoy the bath.

Tha... thank you.

Don't stay in too long, now, you'll
- get wrinkly.
- Yeah.

I noticed the hack,

moving the bath to the water,

and I thought, "Ah, got it," and
Fatiha turned to me and she said,

"I've got an idea,"

and I thought, "Ah, Fatiha's clocked
it too," and she said,

"We're gonna get in the bath and
pretend to be synchronised
swimmers."

And I thought, "Ah, we aren't on the
same page here."

THEY LAUGH

Um, I know it's unconventional but
can we have another go?

DAVID LAUGHS

Well, that was an absolute shit
- show.
- Yeah.

Oh, it was a bloody joke.

- - - A welly?
- Bye, David.
- Bye-bye.
- See
- you, mate, thanks again.
- See you
later.

We shafted that.

I mean... Absolutely shafted it.

Did we shaft it or it shaft us?

It shafted us as much as we shafted
it.

Ah.

Heaven.

Mm.

Just enjoying a chocolate bar.

I'm not getting in there.

Hello.

Hello. PHIL:Look at Joe's shoulder.

- Have you seen it?
- DARREN:It's a bit
weird.
DAVID GASPS

Butterflies like me.

You're like the butterfly Long John
Silver, aren't you?

I also think, I also think... I
think he's a dying butterfly.

Butterflies are dying as soon as you
- see them, aren't they?
- Are they?

It's their last phase.

They're just there for a bit of
breeding and laying eggs.

It's interesting that the theme of
death

has already cropped up,

because to earn your Last Rites
Badge,

you must create a funeral ceremony

for Dummy David.

PHIL GASPS
What happened?

He died.
MAISIE GASPS

You will be given materials to
prepared for the send off

and you must also prepare an
appropriate eulogy.

You will be judged on the humanity,

the reasoning

and execution of your service.

You will be sent to three different
areas,

where the equipment for different
forms of funeral rite

will be available to you

and you are going to draw straws

for the choice of area.

But you don't know what's in the
areas, so,

it's, it's a randomising thing.

- Yes, Darren.
- Can I pick the straw
first?

Does anyone object to Darren picking
- - the straw first?
- Yeah.
- Yes.

- You do object to that?
- Oh, for
fuck's sake.

OK, we're gonna draw straws

to decide who picks the straw first
and then we'll draw straws.

Who wants to pick the straw that
determines whether you draw a straw
first, first?

I still, I...

Does anyone object to Darren p... you
do object.
FRUSTRATED SIGHS

OK, well, we're gonna have to draw
straws,

to decide who draws straws first,

to decide who draw straws first,

to decide the area where you plan
the funeral. MAISIE:Honestly, bring
on the funeral.

Now, who wants to go first to draw
straws,

to decide who draws straws, to
decide who draws straws?

Is it weird that it's me still?
Fatiha. Does anyone object to Fatiha
drawing straws first?

ALL:No, nobody. No.

OK, right. OK, fine.

GASPS
That looks pretty long.

It was a long straw.

All right, who wants to draw the
next straw?

- Go on, Darren.
- OK.

Choose wisely.

Oh, that's the shortest straw.

You go first,

you go second and you go third,

to draw straws to draw straws.

OK, OK.Don't worry, I'm still in
- the game.
- So, there's still, there's
still everything to play for.

- Unbelievable.
- Oh, have you done it?
She has, yeah.

Oh, so, right, OK.

So, you go second.

The person who draws the longest
straw now,

decides what area their team goes to
first.

- - Yes!
- Un-be-lievable!
- All right, OK.

See, I've seen a floor in this.

I think Fatiha can tell which one
the long one is.

- MAISIE:Yeah, I agree.
- Yeah, she
- can.
- I can't.

- I can't.
- You going next, you're, you
- - know.
- She can tell by the top.
- I
think you need to shut your mouth.

LAUGHING
That's the shortest. OK, now...

So, it's decided.

Phil and Fatiha choose first.

The areas are the caravan park, the
playground and the jamboree.

Which would you like to go to, Phil
- and Fatiha?
- I know what I want.

I think that the jamboree was most
restful.

Jamboree, OK.

Darren and Maisie, caravan park or
playground?

- - Caravan park.
- Book us in.
- Caravan
park.

And so you, I'm afraid,

Joe and Jess, you're going to the
playground.

LAUGHING

And, and there we go.

Oh, David.

Dummy David, no.

Do you feel bad about killing Dummy
David?

I'll show you how bad I feel about
it...

Ugh!

Right in the spuds.

There's something moving in there.

What is that?

It's a bloomin' bird.

Place fuel and dummy into barrel.

- I think he's gonna be cremated.
- Oh.

Do you think we should take the
shirt off, cos it's actually quite
nice.

- It's a nice shirt, yeah.
- And I think
it would suit you?

- Is that wrong, do you think?
- I'll
have dead guy's shirt.

It's what he would have wanted.

Right onions, gherkins, we got eggs.

Pickled eggs.

- Vinegar.
- Oh, I know what this is.

- Do they want us to preserve him?
- Oh, yes.

Place Dummy David into a position
you'd desire him to be eaten

and sprinkle with seed to encourage
the birds.

You know what? Right... That's what
you do to encourage the birds.

Ah-ha, sprinkle myself with seed.

They are tight.

They look great, oh, they...
SHE LAUGHS

Are they OK?Yeah, it's perfect.

I don't usually wear tight trousers.

What does Dummy David mean to you?

- - Nothing.
- Nothing?
- Yeah, nothing.

PHIL GASPS

He's been...

The only thing I like about him are
his hands.

Look at these little, doughy little
hands.

- God, they're horrible.
- Wow.

♪ Hello, hello, hello everybody. ♪

Put that in the eulogy.

I would like a nice bit of pecking
- going on there.
- Yeah.

I don't know if that makes me sick
in the head?

Should I put some round his groin,
already? Just...

- Yeah... see how it looks.
- Feed him
up.

Yep.

Go on, don't be shy, get involved.

Mm.

Sweet, sweet smell of acid.

Oh, I can really smell that.

So, this one's about death,

which might be unwise,

but I felt, "We've got to address
it, it's gonna happen to everyone,
right?"

We do need ways in our society to
come to terms with it,

accept it, all that.

Alexander the Great, when he died,
he was preserved in honey.

Nelson, when he was killed at
Trafalgar,

he was preserved in brandy -

bit more fun.

That's where the expression -
tapping the admiral, comes from.

They put him in a barrel of brandy,
so he wouldn't rot

but the naughty sailors, who like a
little drink,

they each had a little sip now and
again.

By the time they got back,

there was no brandy in Nelson's
barrel

and there he was, rotting away.

And this series needs to deliver to
you

peace with death.

End of message.

MUSIC: Miserere
by Gregorio Allegri

In honour of Dummy David,

we've prepared a poem.

Dummy David, Dummy David,

wasn't he a funny David?

Bit to death by rabid dogs,

now who's such a clever clogs?

Laid to rest in pickled brine,

a dummy for the rest of time.

Lived in honour,

died in shame.

DAVID LAUGHS

Dummy David was his name.

Submerged

into brine.

Body of earth,

- body of time.
- It's a floater!

It's a floater.
LAUGHING

Gherkin

to gherkin.
JOE LAUGHS

WHISPERING:Pickle.

JOE LAUGHS LOUDLY

Onion to onion.

- WHISPERING:Pickle.
- Oh, sorry, get
some more water, get some more
water.

With love we drench you.

- Uh... what's wrong with you?
- Sorry.

I feel like I have to say something.
Who're you drenching, him or me? I'm
still alive, watch my clothes.

Egg to egg.

Off he goes.

LAUGHING

With this final bottle of vinegar,

Dummy David is preserved.

- It's floating.
- Yep.

And the final

honourable submerge.

LAUGHING
Oh!

Oh, fuckin' hell!

Shouldn't have worn my watch.
LAUGHING CONTINUES

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much for
- coming.
- It smells like beef burger.
Smell.

It does, doesn't it? It does smell
- like beef burger.
- I told you.

FUNERAL MARCH PLAYS

CROWS CAWING

Ladies and gentlemen,

how do we celebrate the life

of David,

in the way David

would have wanted it celebrated?

We will do

a rant.

Thank you so much for coming to my
funeral.

I mean, I say thank you for coming
to a funeral,

why do I thank people,

when objectively I am dead?

Why is it outside, there's no point
of it being outside, let's just get
on with the bloody thing.

That's why we've got two birds here
because then at least

I can be pecked to death

and my death will at least mean
living

for something else and we can all
pretend

that this has meant something.

Release the birds, please.

I'm quite moved.

Seagulls, here we go.

Fuck off!
HE LAUGHS

That way.

It's just pretty sad and I mean one
can't even be arsed to go for me.

He doesn't know where he is, bless
- him. Oh, there we go.
- That one's
very aggressive.

I don't know who's more
disinterested in this funeral.

The whole thing is, frankly, embarrassing.

Let's all just get on with it and go
home now.

JOE LAUGHS

MUSIC: Miserere
by Gregorio Allegri

MUSIC: Largo Al Factotum
by Gioachino Rossini

MUSIC: Miserere
by Gregorio Allegri

FATIHA WHISPERING:What is going on?
I'm getting scared.

MUSIC: Largo Al Factotum
by Gioachino Rossini

LAUGHING

He's got his clothes on.

FATIHA LAUGHS

It's weird that they fit so well.

TAPS BUGLE CALL PLAYS

- They fit perfectly.
- Brogues.

LAUGHING

We are here

today,

to mourn the loss

of Dummy David.

A willing, silent butt

of all our jokes.

The rag doll,

to be tossed and violated

to varying degrees of comic effect.

Did you deserve it?

No.

Was it worth it?

Yes.

As we subject you

to one final humiliation,

by torching

your padded

podgy body.

I would like to invite

all of you camp mates to warm
yourself.

From Dummy David's

burning flesh.

FATIHA WHISPERING:This is scary.

Oh, goes up quick.

Oh, my gosh.

And I'm sorry I spat on you.

MUSIC: In The Hall Of The Mountain
King
by Edvard Grieg

Is the can meant to be on fire?

DARREN:Doesn't feel safe.

PHIL:Joe's off. Fuckin' hell.

MAISIE:Where you going?

We nearly burnt... oh, it's gone a
bit nasty, now.

It's... it's appropriate if I should
die with it, I think.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, boy.

Read it and weep, Darren.

OK.

To win the Art Badge... Oh.

...you must create a piece of art, to
represent your time here this week.
Ah.

You have been supplied with
materials, however,

you may use anything you like to
complete your masterpiece.

You will reveal this to David in his
HQ tonight

and he will choose the winner.

- - Wow.
- OK, all right.
- This is a curve
ball.

Is anybody good at art?

- - I'm garbage.
- Are you?
- So, I hope you
are OK.

I'm about to find out.

- - I did art.
- Did ya?
- Yeah, yeah,
A levels and University.

Can you draw you carrying me?

Oh, I can't draw people.

- I'm scavenging.
- OK, yeah, good.
Good, good, good.

- Can we use this?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- How? How are we gonna use that?
- I
don't know.

What should be the central image?

You know justice is always perceived
- as scales?
- Yeah.

What if there's two scales, right...
And one scale has all of them on.

One scale has all of them on and the
other one is just us,

yet we're the heavy burden, we carry
the heavy burden.

Are you saying that we are carrying
this series?

We're carrying the series.

That is, that's probably why my
shoulders hurt every night.

What do you think, a big one here?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Show a really nice one, us on some
meadows.

Uh, yeah, us... I think we should
just start painting.

...maybe us meeting Dave.

So, with, like, the gang of us here
and then Dave here.

- - Who's Dave?
- David Mitchell.
- Oh.

The host of the show Outsiders.

I thought you meant the TV station.
SHE LAUGHS

Well, that too in a way, OK.

Shall I go and collect some leaves
and you start with the Outsiders
sign?

I'll start with the Outsiders sign.

Darren, make sure you've spelled
Outsiders right.

It's, it's right there, I can't miss
it.

I'm just saying...

Yeah, I'm, you know what... We've
got previous.

Yeah, I'm glad you highlighted it.

It's hard to capture your little

owl eyes.

♪ Little owl eyes

♪ Little owl eyes. ♪

Who're you gonna miss the most?

- You, of course.
- Hello, can you hear
- me?
- Hello, please, you, of course.

Why do you take so long to answer?
Because I'm thinking.

Are they arguing, Phil and Fatiha?

I mean, when aren't they arguing?

They're either arguing or having
sex.

I'm gonna get you a hearing aid.

What? Oh, right.

- What's wrong with you?
- I thought you
said, "Hair-n-ade,"

like a drink made out of hair.

"I'm gonna get you a glass of
- Hair-n-ade."Listen.
- I'm like,

that is the strangest threat Fatiha
- has given all week.
- Yeah.

I've got a GCSE in English, don't
fuck about, OK?

JESSICA GRUNTS

Jess is painting up an absolute
- bloody storm.
- Oh, she bloody is.

For fuck's sake.

GRUNTING CONTINUES

SHE SIGHS
That's better.

FATIHA GASPS
It's raining.

It's a miracle.

Phil, we need, let's go to our tent,
- it's raining.
- Yeah.

We don't want our masterpiece to get
- destroyed.
- Yeah, I'll turn it upside
down...

You go and I'll, I'll tidy up.

Typical British summer weather.

♪ Going inside, going outside

♪ Going crazy. ♪

At the end of the last day and with
their final badge complete,

the Outsiders have done all they can
to prove to me

that they can survive in a
post-apocalyptic world.

It's all about finding the laziest
possible solution.

During today's attempts to build
back a better society,

the teams have plumbed the depths...
Maisie!

...created priceless works of art...

I'm really bad at art. I just wanted
to do maths.
FATIHA LAUGHS

...and sent Dummy David to the world
beyond.

But as they make their way to my HQ
for the last time...

Mother duck says, "Quack, quack,
quack, quack.

"But I want all six little ducks to
come back!"

Who has done enough to impress me

and walk away as Outsiders'
Champions.

- God, I can't wait to go home.
- Oh, I
could do another week.

- Ah.
- MAISIE:The final time.

Hello. ALL:Hello.

Welcome, Outsiders. JOE:Hello,
- David.
- Well done.

It's the end of the week.

You've out-survived the rest of
civilisation.

CHEERING

Hooray!
APPLAUSE

So, how're you feeling?

- Sad.
- MAISIE:Yeah.

A mixture of sadness and relief,

- I think, yeah.
- I can't wait to use
toilet roll, again.

Yeah, we won't miss the dock leaves.
Yeah.

You've been going with dock, have
- you?
- Yeah.

What do you do the more, like, pug
approach of dragging your bum along?

- I've just not wiped.
- I've been going
back to North-West London.

- What, you could do that?
- All this
time?

Yeah, no that's, yeah... I thought
you were in a little caravan at the
end.

That's just for the day when I want,
like, a nap,

charge my phone, that sort of thing

and then I get a car, usually a
Mercedes or a BMW.

Anyway, um,

let's recap the scores - seven,
five, five.

APPLAUSE
OK.

Art Badge.

First, Joe and Jess, let's have a
look

at your Outsider art.

APPLAUSE
Lovely.

- Oh.
- What is that?

What is that?

It's, um, a Portaloo.

- Ah.
- Um...

- Did you lose it?
- Incorporating, um,
tissue paper

and then, um, just attached it.

Is it used toilet roll, is that what
- it is?
- It looked a bit mu...

There's definitely something on it,
I don't know if it was mud or... You
don't know whether it was...

Or, or excrement?

- Are you messing with us?
- Have you
- lost it, or some... what?
- What is...

You've picked the toilet paper off
the Portaloo floor?

I spent a lot of time in the
Portaloo, I think we all did.

You can kind of paint pretty
pictures,

but, you know, there's a dark side
- to comedy.
- JOE:I love it, I love
it.

And it feels a bit like the inside
of a Portaloo.

It, ul... ultimately it's, that's
what, that's what we all are really,
we're just

in there, alone, with the chemicals.

Trying to find a little bit of
space... Yeah.

- ...in the crazy maelstrom.
- Trying to
find some relief.

- Yeah, yeah.
- There's, it works on so
many levels,

it's also exploring, uh, you know,
this kind of

psychosomatic constipation,

which you alleviated by being able
to drive away,

we couldn't drive away, David.

- - Yes.
- We couldn't drive away.
- Well, I
was...

- We had to shit in the Portaloo.
- I
- put it in my contract.
- And that is
what it's about.

I had a crap in a TK Maxx on
Wednesday.

LAUGHING

Because we had that long lunch,
- didn't we?
- In what department?

- Well, the cafe.
- Oh, right, OK.

- But we had a long lunch.
- Yeah.

So, I, I...

Yeah, you just... Can I say that?

Headed straight to a TK Maxx, cos
- you... And I had a crap there.
- Yeah.

Cos... Is that OK?

That's fine, I would say that's good
improvisation with what

was available to you in the forest.

Uh...

OK, Phil and Fatiha,

will you put your work up there, please?

Uh...

Ours is a landscape.

- Oh.
- Oh.

It is in landscape,

it's not a landscape.

LAUGHING
No, I said, yeah I said, "It's
landscape."

Oh, I, I thought you said it's...
It's in landscape.

I thought you...

LAUGHING CONTINUES

What? The orientation is landscape.

Yes, your orientation is land...

- I don't understand.
- I don't entirely
understand either.

- Right.
- I, I made what I thought was
quite a standard-level pointless,
pedantic dig

and Joe has, sort of, lost it, in a,
in a,

with a sort of level of laughter
that's almost infused with rage.

But, um, what, describe the piece, please.

It's a sort of comic, um, uh, spread

of the six most memorable events
over the last few days.

- - - Yeah.
- For each other.
- Yeah.
- For us.

So, like, the first one, I did that
one.

What, the one on the left? The
- rectangle?
- Yes.

And that's me and Phil meeting for
the first time.

ALL: Aw.

APPLAUSE
MAISIE:You lovebirds.

And the second panel there

is me and Fatiha getting blown up by
the fan, after we've put up the
tent.

Oh, yes.

And then it's my favourite, um,

of all the badges -

watching David be a creepy little
man in the woods.

- - Oh, that's me?
- Yes.
- I look very
slim.

You've got the hat on.

We were running out of time by that
- point.
- All right.

Well, that's a nice collage of
memories.

- It's a love story, isn't it?
- Yeah,
- it's really beautiful.
- Very cute.
Thank you.

And does it have a title?

Six days in Purgatory.

LAUGHING
Oh, yes. Lovely.

Well, I was gonna say it's exactly
the sort of thing I'd love to have
in my own home,

if I wanted to remember this week at
all.

LAUGHING
Um...

Uh, and Maisie and Darren.

MAISIE COUGHS
Um...

Ours is called The Injustice.

It's, uh, Outsiders through David's
eyes.

It's split in half, as you can
- probably see.
- Yes.

There's scales there, on the right
hand side it's me and Maisie.

Am I, am I tipping the scales in
- your favour?
- That is you. It's
obviously you.

No, you're glory... you're going,
"Oh, that look..."

In fact you're saying, "Ah! My
favourite Outsiders."
LAUGHING

And the background on this side is
all different colours and

there's flowers growing and, um,

on ours it's blood, it's charcoal

- and it's dry, dead leaves.
- I see.

APPLAUSE
JOE:Really good, it's really good.

I mean it's, there's a lot of, a lot
of bitterness in that work.

- I don't agree with it.
- Yes.

I don't think it's fair.

But, I think it's sincere

and I think it's powerful

and I think that's quite a good
drawing of me in a shirt

and you've got my parting on the
right side.

So, I think yours is the best and
- I'm giving you the badge.
- Wow.

APPLAUSE
No, fair enough, fair enough.

So, yes, well done.

With only two badges left to go,

who will be the new Champions?

The Plumbing Badge.

So, Joe and Jess, and Maisie and
Darren.

- Oh!
- I'm gonna start with you as a
four, to start with,

cos you had very, very similar
approaches, didn't you?

- Did we?
- Just, just panic?

If, if you descr... yes, panic was a
hallmark of it.

Basically, I admired the way you
all, you tried absolutely every
technique

but none of them for long enough.

What did you guys use?

We, uh, we landed on the wellies.

- Wellies.
- We went welly heavy.

- Welly heavy?
- Welly heavy?

What was the right way to do it? Cos
we're still baffled.

Well, well, there were various ways
you could have...

The wellies wasn't the wrong way.

If you'd started with the wellies...
Yeah.

...then you could have just, you
could probably have got most of the
water with the wellies alone,

by running back and forth.

So, you could have gaffer-taped the
bottom of the buckets,

so that the holes were blocked up.

And there were enough tubes

- and gutters for the distance.
- Was
there?

Yes, if you used the tubes as well.

- Ah.
- There was no way of knowing
that, though.

Thinking would have been the only
- way through that.
- Exactly.

But there's a lot, a lot, yeah...

What's, what's happening over there?
Well, we're coming to them.

- They clearly smashed it.
- They
cheated.

Well, Phil and Fatiha spoiled it.

LAUGHING

Um, what do you... say what you did.

Um, well...

It was very much a case of, um,

taking the bathtub to the water.
GROANING

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Yeah, I mean this... Cos the water
was over there and the bathtub was
over there

and it looked quite difficult
getting the water...

Yeah, tell us about it!..over to
the bathtub.

Whereas, relatively speaking,
carrying the bathtub was just a
single,

- a single movement.
- Can I ask a
question?

- Yeah.
- If you moved the bathtub there
immediately, I'm guessing,

what the hell did you do for the
rest of your time?

Well, it is quite a tedious bit of
television.

LAUGHING

- How dare you, David.
- Sounds like you
- had a blast.
- OK.

Joe and Jess filled the bath to a
depth of 135mm.

APPLAUSE

Maisie and Darren filled the bath to
- - a depth of 123mm.
- Oh, my God!
- What?

I, I hate the way you read out
- - scores.
- Yes.
- I hate it, too.

Maisie and Darren filled the bath to
a depth of 123mm.

I think the difference between the
two levels was

primarily the detritus that you put
in the bath at the last minute,

to elevate the water level.

Oh.

Um, that's,

Phil and Fatiha pretty much filled
the bath to the brim,

with 330mm.

So, the Plumbing Badge, that I think
we can all agree has been spoiled...

Yeah... goes to Phil and Fatiha.

APPLAUSE STARTS
What are you... don't, don't.

- - Oh!
- Don't be sore losers.
- Come on,
really fun challenge this one, I
thought.

- So fun.
- I thought this was a really
- fun challenge.
- Ahem. Uh, OK.

So...

...we get to the final badge of the
week.

And at this point we are on

seven, six, six.

So, there is a,

a likelihood

that this will end in a draw.

JOE LAUGHS
Which would be very, very
disappointing for everyone.

Not, I mean, for, not for,
necessarily, for you but I'm talking
about

the programme will have failed.

So, there's a lot more at stake here

than, than there seems to be.

So...

HE SIGHS
Um...

The Last Rites Badge.

Now, Phil and Fatiha,

your approach to disposing of

the remains of Dummy David and, and

celebrating him and mourning him
was,

- was pickling.
- Yes.

Um, and

poetry to go with the pickling.

Yes, poet... Hard to be moving in
rhyme.

I thought the whole point of poetry
was that it's very moving.

Yes, but not all poetry rhymes sort
of AA, BB...

JOE LAUGHS
...CC, DD.

That's more, comic verse... But
those are the poems that...

Right, well, yeah... usually goes
for that structure.

I did find it the quickest and
- easiest to write.
- JESSICA:Iambic
pentameter? No.

- No.
- That's, I think, that's a
rhythmic thing that a lot of, um...
Scheme, it is scheming.

Are we focussing on the wrong bit?

- Yeah, maybe.
- Sorry, I know, are you
keen to head off to TK Maxx, again?

Well, I have got an apology to make.
Yeah.

LAUGHING

How did you choose what food items
to pickle Dummy David with?

Gherkins, onions and eggs represent
the three facets of

Dummy David's character.

- Namely?
- He, um,

the gherkin - he is a bit lumpy.

Um, onion...

...onion - he is white.

This is almost like you're making
it up on the spot.
LAUGHING

And egg because he is sulphurous.

OK.And can give life.

Is sulphurous and can give life.
- Yeah.
- Like a volcano.

- Yes, yes.
- Yes.

Uh, and what does it say

about death?

Why the pickling?

Well, vinegar and pickling is a sour
process,

as is death, but it preserves.

It preserves memory.

- Yes, exactly.
- And it preserves
legacy.

And there is a sadness in the
memory, the sourness of the
vinegar... Mm-hmm.

...but something eternal, also.

- Yes.
- I really helped you out there.

That's, well I mean, that's exactly
- what I said.
- Yeah, um,

Darren and Maisie.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Peanuts and seagulls.

- - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- What's going on there?

We, we know seagulls, they eat lots
of things.

I mean most seagulls eat lost
of things.

- They do.
- Not the two you picked.

I've seen a seagull eat a cigarette
butt.

I honestly, I haven't seen a more
hopeless animal double-act.

Do you know how much, do you know
how much the seagulls cost?

Go on.

- For the day.
- Yeah, go on.

- 1,200 quid.
- Fuck off!
LAUGHING

1,200 quid?

- Yeah.
- No wonder the woman drove off
- laughing.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

For two fucking seagulls.

You can't get rid of the fuckers on
the South Coast, can you?

You get two of them, depressed ones.

I've never seen seagulls come out of
a cage,

circle and then go back in their
cage.

Well, they didn't fly, they peck
about for a few seconds,

turned their fucking beaks up at
some perfectly good food.

They had an eating disorder, those
seagulls.

Anyway, um, so

obviously, the seagulls, it wasn't
your fault.

- They let us down.
- At that rate it
would have taken almost two and a
half months,

I think, for me to be consumed.
Terrible.

Well, let's move on to Joe and Jess,
um,

a combination of humiliation ad
deep respect... Mm... I felt.

Where you dragged Dummy David's
corpse along the ground

but yet, moved with such respect
around him

was a weird combination,

that, uh, that sent a shiver down my
spine.

Jess, that was a, it was a very
- moving eulogy.
- Thank you.

Yeah, there was a tear in my eye.
Thank you.

Although, that might have been
because of the toxic smoke.

Um, do you feel you managed to
achieve the expression of your grief

at the loss of Dummy David?

I felt like I wanted to

acknowledge

Dummy David's contribution.

His willing to give and give and
give and give and still

get punched in the goolies.

- - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Which he was everyday,
perhaps, all day by everybody,

- myself included.
- Yes.

Also, his trousers were so tight on
Joe,

that I could make out the perfect
outline of Joe's penis.

Oh, right.

So, if we could blur that out it
would be much appreciated.

LAUGHING
It was quite the moment, while I was
stood there watching

a bin burn a dummy

and Fatiha lent in to me to say,

"I think Joe's circumcised."No, no, no.

LAUGHING

Do you know what? Do you know what?

I just pull it back.

LAUGHING CONTINUES

- I simply pull it back.
- I'm sorry,
Joe.

Uh, so, for me,

three great funerals.

I've never died thrice in a day
before.

Although, you know, there was a
difficult recording of QI

earlier in my career.
LAUGHING

Um, uh.

So...

Nevertheless, I'm gonna give the
badge...

DRUM ROLL

...to Joe and Jess.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MAISIE:Well done, guys.

- Well done.
- Well done.

It's a beautiful badge.

A wonderful ceremony.

The final scores of the series are -

Maisie and Darren have six badges,

Phil and Fatiha have six badges

but the winners of Outsiders series
two

are Joe and Jess

with eight badges.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's head down to the campsites.

- DARREN:Well done, man.
- JOE:Aw,
thanks, it was really easy.

Now, let's have a look at the
winner's highlights.

The only alternative is footage of
six comedians

walking down a hill in the dark,

or ending the programme early, which
would cause contractual problems.

So, we might as well.

Despite my initial scepticism,

Jess and Joe have built a new
society

and demonstrated exemplary survival
skills.

If anything, I think we might have
done too well.

While others struggled to get even
the basics of food and shelter
down...

It's not nice.

...and failed to adapt to a life
without luxuries...

It's all right, it's all right.

...Jess and Joe showed the power of a
positive outlook.

Ah! I've lost a little bit of
enthusiasm.

Giving each challenge their all.

Shall we have a little downtime
- then?
- Let's have a little nap.

Thinking strategically.

- Hello.
- Do we lose points if we say
you look like an idiot?

Staying calm.

- Oh, fuck that shit.
- SHOUTING:Fuck
that shit!

And becoming one with nature.

JOE SCREAMS

Making them this year's worthy
winners.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you very
- much.
- Pleased to meet you.

And now to celebrate.

- Oh.
- Oh, your little flag.

JESSICA:Oh, look.

- - Nice flag.
- Thank you.
- Very, very
nice.

Congratulations all of you.

Here are the trophies,

they look like bits of wood.

Your flag is flying high over the
camp.

FATIHA:Aw.

Um, so,

congratulations Joe and Jessica.

If you'd like to come and receive
your trophies.

There we go.
CHEERING

Congratulations, there we go.

- Well done.
- Thank you so much.
Congratulations, there we go, yes.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

- Cheers.
- Yes.

- Cheers. Hugely underwhelming.
- Yeah.
It's absolutely beautiful.

- Stunning.
- It is a stunning piece.

- To the next civilisation.
- Yes.

ALL: The next civilisation!

So, anyone gonna nick anything from
- - the camp?
- Oh, yeah.
- No, no, I'm
gonna torch a couple of things.

I want your brogues.

SPEAKER SQUEALING
♪ Is this a rabid squirrel? ♪

One last time.
♪ Is this a horny wolf?

♪ No, it's the guy from Peep
Show... ♪

MAISIE:It does feel like a bit of
- cult thing around the fire.
- I love a
- bop, you know.
- Me too.

Go on, Phil, do it.

♪ Da-vid ♪

CHEERING

♪ Mitchell. ♪

OVER SPEAKER:Cigars, money and
Cristal.

ALL: Boom!

I'll tell you what - this isn't
Cristal, I reckon this is fucking
Prosecco.

LAUGHING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media