Original subtitles

War,

pandemics,

climate change.

Ever wondered what would happen if society ended

and we had to start again?

I bet you have.

I've used six comedians to find out.

Let loose in the wild to fend for themselves,

as far as insurance and their agents would allow.

What is my greatest fear in the great outdoors?

I'd have to say

stampedes.

Each day they'll be learning vital skills...

- Ugh! - Right in the spuds.

What I lack in skill...

MONKEY NOISES

...I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

- I'll javelin him! - Javelin him.

Stop the clock!

I think we'll have a lovely time,

as long as there's no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful of everything.

I'd like to draw your attention to the bucket.

HE SHRIEKS

- You ready? - Yeah.

That didn't go very far.

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation? Don't worry about it.

Got that covered.

You're gonna dance?

♪ La, la, la. ♪

I've got 13 siblings, so

I grew up roughing it, d'ya know what I'm saying?

HE LAUGHS

Can I have a diet coke, please? THEY LAUGH

What kind of world will they build?

- Go on, have a play. Ooh! - Ooh!

That would take a bit of getting used to.

Will they thrive?

You were gonna make us look like fools. LAUGHING

Will they survive?

Oh, I didn't like that. Can I go home?

Will they die?

They won't die.

Well, I mean, they'll die one day.

This is Outsiders!

Oh, my jumper's cover in thousands of, sort of, bobbles.

MAISIE:Do you want meat sausage, - Joe? - Yes, please.

Can I take it with my fingers?

Well, it's too late now, isn't it?

FATIHA:So, guys, last breakfast.

Oh, it's emotional, isn't it? Last - time. - Is, um, it is emotional.

I've really enjoyed it.

I do feel like it's really easy to enjoy camp life

when it's this weather.

- Mm. - With this setup.

But previously, my camp life has been, like,

a poorly constructed two-man tent.

I'm never gonna go camping without a Chesterfield sofa.

No, that's where we've been going wrong, isn't it?

PHIL:When you sit down and it sticks to your skin.

AGREEING GROANS

So, what do you think we'll be doing today?

Do you think David will take it easy on us or do you think he'll push us?

It's all to play for, it's seven, five, five, innit?

As camp mates that are also on five badges,

Fatiha and Phil, do you think there's a point to

trying to pursue a win?

Or do you think it's these two cruising through?

Phil and Fatiha are going to win tod-ay!

Guys, it's anybody's game.

MICROPHONE SQUEAKING Good morning, Outsiders.

It's time for your first badge.

Please meet me as soon as possible

in the caravan park.

That's that bit of the wood where there's an old derelict caravan,

with a couple of skulls in it.

You know the one.

JOE:Oh, my God.

Hi!

- Why's he got a giant bath? - I'm not bathing him!

In a post-apocalyptic world,

the luxury of running water and long hot baths

would be a thing of the past.

But hygiene is important to civilisation

and civility.

To earn your plumbing badge

you must run me a bath.

- Oh, that's all right. - You'll each have a reservoir of water

and an empty bath.

- Ah. - You must devise a way of getting the water

to the bath.

That's some stuff...

- Oh? - Ah!..that you can use. DARREN:Great!

The bath with the highest water level

wins the badge.

So, that's the stuff, that's the bath.

I'm gonna pull the thing

and then we are doing it.

Yes!

The Outsiders each have the exact amount of water they'll need

in order to fill the bath.

Once I've pulled the plug,

they'll have precisely 11 minutes until the water runs out

and their dreams of a badge go down the plughole.

Rub-a-dub-dub.

Your pots need cleaning don't they, love?

Oh, that sounds erotic.

Yeah, it does a bit, doesn't it? That does sound very erotic.

- Right, are you prepared? - Yes.

I will pull that thing

and the water will start gushing.

- Oh, God. - OK, and that is the start. Gushing?

- Gushing out. - That's a word you don't wanna hear from David Mitchell.

Time is water, get it in the bath.

Ready, steady...

Oh, no!

Oh, oh, guttering, guttering!

Fuck.

Oh!

- - It goes quick. - Gushing. - There we go, it's going.

Use these, use these.

Huh? Yes, yes, but let's get the pipes together first.

Right, first one.

Second one.

So, that's good guttering.

Oh?

I mean... HE LAUGHS

I see.

Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

What else do we have to do, is that it?

Well, that, I don't think... I mean...

You never said we couldn't move the tub.

- No. - No, that's... what you've done is, is clever.

- He's an engineer, that's why. - Yeah.

You've thought outside the box.

Engineering is all about finding the laziest possible solution.

Yeah, absolutely.

Maisie, just carry the pots, just carry the buckets.

Um... Oh, God, no.

Oh, God. No, wait, no, I've got an idea.

I'd like to draw your attention to something about the bucket.

It might be a clue.

HE SHRIEKS Yeah.

Ah! Maisie!

That's, it's got holes in it.

Oh, there's hole in the... Yeah. LAUGHING

- Ah. - You cheeky...

What is clear here, and this is interesting,

more water is coming out there,

than is going in there.

Well, that's not... So, this is actually making water.

That's not physically possible.

Yes, but it is evidently happening.

- Yeah? - Right, but the, the, but the mass flow

will actually be lower in each stream,

than in that one stream.

Mate, I know you like science but you, you,

you can't deny the evidence of your own eyes.

Knowing this though, all you need is a magic bucket

and you literally treble the amount of water.

One goes in, loads come out.

This is how the antivax movement started, you realise.

Ready? Lift.

To m... to me.

OK.

No, it's going nowhere, there's, there's...

Oh, no, no, it's going to the...

No, God!

OK.

- Oh, mother of God. - We need to, um...

We've done it wrong, we've done it wrong.

We just need to, just need to retape it.

That needs to go on the top there.

- Yeah. - Oh, ah!

Should we just abandon this and do the buckets?

No!

I'm saying abandon and do the buckets.

DAVID LAUGHS

Just get a bucket, just get a bucket.

You're inf...

...you're infuriating!

Why...

Oh...

Fuck that shit.

SHOUTING:Fuck that shit!

YouBLEEP!

LAUGHING

What, now...

...you are fucking winding me up!

Look at the bucket, look at the bucket.

Look at the bottom of the bucket.

Oh, f... LAUGHING CONTINUES

You arseholes.

I guess we'll... We might as well just...

You're gonna dance?

Thank you.

♪ La, la, la.

♪ La, la, la, la. ♪

Do you wanna join?

- The dancing? - Yeah.

I'm not really a, sort of a, dancing guy.

Oh, what's the, what's the thing they want us to do?

LAUGHING Oh, Maisie, wellies!

- There's no holes! - Wellies, wellies, wellies, wellies!

Oh, yeah.

The wellies probably don't have holes in them.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

All r... I'm, I'm having to run.

No, take, I've just filled that one, you fill that one.

Quick, quick, quick.

This is like the Titanic, with the lifeboats that only had 12 people on it.

It must have been tempting in the lifeboat to think,

"I'd really love a seat to put my bag on."

I know, you'd definitely be that.

I'll move it of someone asks me.

Yeah, you'd have your bloody panama hat on one of the seats.

Sick bastard.

I don't think I'd be wearing a panama in that season.

What has my life come to?

Hold the welly by the shaft.

Gently but seductively hold the welly by its shaft.

You're dropping loads of it, but it's fine at this point.

My only regret is not starting with the wellies...

Ah!

Oh, you... Oh, oh!

Put stuff in to raise the water level.

THEY LAUGH

It is still dribbling out

but, I would say, to an extent that I could not be bothered with, if I were you.

This has ended really sad.

Every little helps.

Yeah.

This is a really, this is... I'll get, oh, God, I got...

...this is probably the saddest ending we've had, Maisie.

LAUGHING Maisie!

Thank you, David. Enjoy the bath.

Tha... thank you.

Don't stay in too long, now, you'll - get wrinkly. - Yeah.

I noticed the hack,

moving the bath to the water,

and I thought, "Ah, got it," and Fatiha turned to me and she said,

"I've got an idea,"

and I thought, "Ah, Fatiha's clocked it too," and she said,

"We're gonna get in the bath and pretend to be synchronised swimmers."

And I thought, "Ah, we aren't on the same page here."

THEY LAUGH

Um, I know it's unconventional but can we have another go?

DAVID LAUGHS

Well, that was an absolute shit - show. - Yeah.

Oh, it was a bloody joke.

- - - A welly? - Bye, David. - Bye-bye. - See - you, mate, thanks again. - See you later.

We shafted that.

I mean... Absolutely shafted it.

Did we shaft it or it shaft us?

It shafted us as much as we shafted it.

Ah.

Heaven.

Mm.

Just enjoying a chocolate bar.

I'm not getting in there.

Hello.

Hello. PHIL:Look at Joe's shoulder.

- Have you seen it? - DARREN:It's a bit weird. DAVID GASPS

Butterflies like me.

You're like the butterfly Long John Silver, aren't you?

I also think, I also think... I think he's a dying butterfly.

Butterflies are dying as soon as you - see them, aren't they? - Are they?

It's their last phase.

They're just there for a bit of breeding and laying eggs.

It's interesting that the theme of death

has already cropped up,

because to earn your Last Rites Badge,

you must create a funeral ceremony

for Dummy David.

PHIL GASPS What happened?

He died. MAISIE GASPS

You will be given materials to prepared for the send off

and you must also prepare an appropriate eulogy.

You will be judged on the humanity,

the reasoning

and execution of your service.

You will be sent to three different areas,

where the equipment for different forms of funeral rite

will be available to you

and you are going to draw straws

for the choice of area.

But you don't know what's in the areas, so,

it's, it's a randomising thing.

- Yes, Darren. - Can I pick the straw first?

Does anyone object to Darren picking - - the straw first? - Yeah. - Yes.

- You do object to that? - Oh, for fuck's sake.

OK, we're gonna draw straws

to decide who picks the straw first and then we'll draw straws.

Who wants to pick the straw that determines whether you draw a straw first, first?

I still, I...

Does anyone object to Darren p... you do object. FRUSTRATED SIGHS

OK, well, we're gonna have to draw straws,

to decide who draws straws first,

to decide who draw straws first,

to decide the area where you plan the funeral. MAISIE:Honestly, bring on the funeral.

Now, who wants to go first to draw straws,

to decide who draws straws, to decide who draws straws?

Is it weird that it's me still? Fatiha. Does anyone object to Fatiha drawing straws first?

ALL:No, nobody. No.

OK, right. OK, fine.

GASPS That looks pretty long.

It was a long straw.

All right, who wants to draw the next straw?

- Go on, Darren. - OK.

Choose wisely.

Oh, that's the shortest straw.

You go first,

you go second and you go third,

to draw straws to draw straws.

OK, OK.Don't worry, I'm still in - the game. - So, there's still, there's still everything to play for.

- Unbelievable. - Oh, have you done it? She has, yeah.

Oh, so, right, OK.

So, you go second.

The person who draws the longest straw now,

decides what area their team goes to first.

- - Yes! - Un-be-lievable! - All right, OK.

See, I've seen a floor in this.

I think Fatiha can tell which one the long one is.

- MAISIE:Yeah, I agree. - Yeah, she - can. - I can't.

- I can't. - You going next, you're, you - - know. - She can tell by the top. - I think you need to shut your mouth.

LAUGHING That's the shortest. OK, now...

So, it's decided.

Phil and Fatiha choose first.

The areas are the caravan park, the playground and the jamboree.

Which would you like to go to, Phil - and Fatiha? - I know what I want.

I think that the jamboree was most restful.

Jamboree, OK.

Darren and Maisie, caravan park or playground?

- - Caravan park. - Book us in. - Caravan park.

And so you, I'm afraid,

Joe and Jess, you're going to the playground.

LAUGHING

And, and there we go.

Oh, David.

Dummy David, no.

Do you feel bad about killing Dummy David?

I'll show you how bad I feel about it...

Ugh!

Right in the spuds.

There's something moving in there.

What is that?

It's a bloomin' bird.

Place fuel and dummy into barrel.

- I think he's gonna be cremated. - Oh.

Do you think we should take the shirt off, cos it's actually quite nice.

- It's a nice shirt, yeah. - And I think it would suit you?

- Is that wrong, do you think? - I'll have dead guy's shirt.

It's what he would have wanted.

Right onions, gherkins, we got eggs.

Pickled eggs.

- Vinegar. - Oh, I know what this is.

- Do they want us to preserve him? - Oh, yes.

Place Dummy David into a position you'd desire him to be eaten

and sprinkle with seed to encourage the birds.

You know what? Right... That's what you do to encourage the birds.

Ah-ha, sprinkle myself with seed.

They are tight.

They look great, oh, they... SHE LAUGHS

Are they OK?Yeah, it's perfect.

I don't usually wear tight trousers.

What does Dummy David mean to you?

- - Nothing. - Nothing? - Yeah, nothing.

PHIL GASPS

He's been...

The only thing I like about him are his hands.

Look at these little, doughy little hands.

- God, they're horrible. - Wow.

♪ Hello, hello, hello everybody. ♪

Put that in the eulogy.

I would like a nice bit of pecking - going on there. - Yeah.

I don't know if that makes me sick in the head?

Should I put some round his groin, already? Just...

- Yeah... see how it looks. - Feed him up.

Yep.

Go on, don't be shy, get involved.

Mm.

Sweet, sweet smell of acid.

Oh, I can really smell that.

So, this one's about death,

which might be unwise,

but I felt, "We've got to address it, it's gonna happen to everyone, right?"

We do need ways in our society to come to terms with it,

accept it, all that.

Alexander the Great, when he died, he was preserved in honey.

Nelson, when he was killed at Trafalgar,

he was preserved in brandy -

bit more fun.

That's where the expression - tapping the admiral, comes from.

They put him in a barrel of brandy, so he wouldn't rot

but the naughty sailors, who like a little drink,

they each had a little sip now and again.

By the time they got back,

there was no brandy in Nelson's barrel

and there he was, rotting away.

And this series needs to deliver to you

peace with death.

End of message.

MUSIC: Miserere by Gregorio Allegri

In honour of Dummy David,

we've prepared a poem.

Dummy David, Dummy David,

wasn't he a funny David?

Bit to death by rabid dogs,

now who's such a clever clogs?

Laid to rest in pickled brine,

a dummy for the rest of time.

Lived in honour,

died in shame.

DAVID LAUGHS

Dummy David was his name.

Submerged

into brine.

Body of earth,

- body of time. - It's a floater!

It's a floater. LAUGHING

Gherkin

to gherkin. JOE LAUGHS

WHISPERING:Pickle.

JOE LAUGHS LOUDLY

Onion to onion.

- WHISPERING:Pickle. - Oh, sorry, get some more water, get some more water.

With love we drench you.

- Uh... what's wrong with you? - Sorry.

I feel like I have to say something. Who're you drenching, him or me? I'm still alive, watch my clothes.

Egg to egg.

Off he goes.

LAUGHING

With this final bottle of vinegar,

Dummy David is preserved.

- It's floating. - Yep.

And the final

honourable submerge.

LAUGHING Oh!

Oh, fuckin' hell!

Shouldn't have worn my watch. LAUGHING CONTINUES

- Thank you. - Thank you very much for - coming. - It smells like beef burger. Smell.

It does, doesn't it? It does smell - like beef burger. - I told you.

FUNERAL MARCH PLAYS

CROWS CAWING

Ladies and gentlemen,

how do we celebrate the life

of David,

in the way David

would have wanted it celebrated?

We will do

a rant.

Thank you so much for coming to my funeral.

I mean, I say thank you for coming to a funeral,

why do I thank people,

when objectively I am dead?

Why is it outside, there's no point of it being outside, let's just get on with the bloody thing.

That's why we've got two birds here because then at least

I can be pecked to death

and my death will at least mean living

for something else and we can all pretend

that this has meant something.

Release the birds, please.

I'm quite moved.

Seagulls, here we go.

Fuck off! HE LAUGHS

That way.

It's just pretty sad and I mean one can't even be arsed to go for me.

He doesn't know where he is, bless - him. Oh, there we go. - That one's very aggressive.

I don't know who's more disinterested in this funeral.

The whole thing is, frankly, embarrassing.

Let's all just get on with it and go home now.

JOE LAUGHS

MUSIC: Miserere by Gregorio Allegri

MUSIC: Largo Al Factotum by Gioachino Rossini

MUSIC: Miserere by Gregorio Allegri

FATIHA WHISPERING:What is going on? I'm getting scared.

MUSIC: Largo Al Factotum by Gioachino Rossini

LAUGHING

He's got his clothes on.

FATIHA LAUGHS

It's weird that they fit so well.

TAPS BUGLE CALL PLAYS

- They fit perfectly. - Brogues.

LAUGHING

We are here

today,

to mourn the loss

of Dummy David.

A willing, silent butt

of all our jokes.

The rag doll,

to be tossed and violated

to varying degrees of comic effect.

Did you deserve it?

No.

Was it worth it?

Yes.

As we subject you

to one final humiliation,

by torching

your padded

podgy body.

I would like to invite

all of you camp mates to warm yourself.

From Dummy David's

burning flesh.

FATIHA WHISPERING:This is scary.

Oh, goes up quick.

Oh, my gosh.

And I'm sorry I spat on you.

MUSIC: In The Hall Of The Mountain King by Edvard Grieg

Is the can meant to be on fire?

DARREN:Doesn't feel safe.

PHIL:Joe's off. Fuckin' hell.

MAISIE:Where you going?

We nearly burnt... oh, it's gone a bit nasty, now.

It's... it's appropriate if I should die with it, I think.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, boy.

Read it and weep, Darren.

OK.

To win the Art Badge... Oh.

...you must create a piece of art, to represent your time here this week. Ah.

You have been supplied with materials, however,

you may use anything you like to complete your masterpiece.

You will reveal this to David in his HQ tonight

and he will choose the winner.

- - Wow. - OK, all right. - This is a curve ball.

Is anybody good at art?

- - I'm garbage. - Are you? - So, I hope you are OK.

I'm about to find out.

- - I did art. - Did ya? - Yeah, yeah, A levels and University.

Can you draw you carrying me?

Oh, I can't draw people.

- I'm scavenging. - OK, yeah, good. Good, good, good.

- Can we use this? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- How? How are we gonna use that? - I don't know.

What should be the central image?

You know justice is always perceived - as scales? - Yeah.

What if there's two scales, right... And one scale has all of them on.

One scale has all of them on and the other one is just us,

yet we're the heavy burden, we carry the heavy burden.

Are you saying that we are carrying this series?

We're carrying the series.

That is, that's probably why my shoulders hurt every night.

What do you think, a big one here? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Show a really nice one, us on some meadows.

Uh, yeah, us... I think we should just start painting.

...maybe us meeting Dave.

So, with, like, the gang of us here and then Dave here.

- - Who's Dave? - David Mitchell. - Oh.

The host of the show Outsiders.

I thought you meant the TV station. SHE LAUGHS

Well, that too in a way, OK.

Shall I go and collect some leaves and you start with the Outsiders sign?

I'll start with the Outsiders sign.

Darren, make sure you've spelled Outsiders right.

It's, it's right there, I can't miss it.

I'm just saying...

Yeah, I'm, you know what... We've got previous.

Yeah, I'm glad you highlighted it.

It's hard to capture your little

owl eyes.

♪ Little owl eyes

♪ Little owl eyes. ♪

Who're you gonna miss the most?

- You, of course. - Hello, can you hear - me? - Hello, please, you, of course.

Why do you take so long to answer? Because I'm thinking.

Are they arguing, Phil and Fatiha?

I mean, when aren't they arguing?

They're either arguing or having sex.

I'm gonna get you a hearing aid.

What? Oh, right.

- What's wrong with you? - I thought you said, "Hair-n-ade,"

like a drink made out of hair.

"I'm gonna get you a glass of - Hair-n-ade."Listen. - I'm like,

that is the strangest threat Fatiha - has given all week. - Yeah.

I've got a GCSE in English, don't fuck about, OK?

JESSICA GRUNTS

Jess is painting up an absolute - bloody storm. - Oh, she bloody is.

For fuck's sake.

GRUNTING CONTINUES

SHE SIGHS That's better.

FATIHA GASPS It's raining.

It's a miracle.

Phil, we need, let's go to our tent, - it's raining. - Yeah.

We don't want our masterpiece to get - destroyed. - Yeah, I'll turn it upside down...

You go and I'll, I'll tidy up.

Typical British summer weather.

♪ Going inside, going outside

♪ Going crazy. ♪

At the end of the last day and with their final badge complete,

the Outsiders have done all they can to prove to me

that they can survive in a post-apocalyptic world.

It's all about finding the laziest possible solution.

During today's attempts to build back a better society,

the teams have plumbed the depths... Maisie!

...created priceless works of art...

I'm really bad at art. I just wanted to do maths. FATIHA LAUGHS

...and sent Dummy David to the world beyond.

But as they make their way to my HQ for the last time...

Mother duck says, "Quack, quack, quack, quack.

"But I want all six little ducks to come back!"

Who has done enough to impress me

and walk away as Outsiders' Champions.

- God, I can't wait to go home. - Oh, I could do another week.

- Ah. - MAISIE:The final time.

Hello. ALL:Hello.

Welcome, Outsiders. JOE:Hello, - David. - Well done.

It's the end of the week.

You've out-survived the rest of civilisation.

CHEERING

Hooray! APPLAUSE

So, how're you feeling?

- Sad. - MAISIE:Yeah.

A mixture of sadness and relief,

- I think, yeah. - I can't wait to use toilet roll, again.

Yeah, we won't miss the dock leaves. Yeah.

You've been going with dock, have - you? - Yeah.

What do you do the more, like, pug approach of dragging your bum along?

- I've just not wiped. - I've been going back to North-West London.

- What, you could do that? - All this time?

Yeah, no that's, yeah... I thought you were in a little caravan at the end.

That's just for the day when I want, like, a nap,

charge my phone, that sort of thing

and then I get a car, usually a Mercedes or a BMW.

Anyway, um,

let's recap the scores - seven, five, five.

APPLAUSE OK.

Art Badge.

First, Joe and Jess, let's have a look

at your Outsider art.

APPLAUSE Lovely.

- Oh. - What is that?

What is that?

It's, um, a Portaloo.

- Ah. - Um...

- Did you lose it? - Incorporating, um, tissue paper

and then, um, just attached it.

Is it used toilet roll, is that what - it is? - It looked a bit mu...

There's definitely something on it, I don't know if it was mud or... You don't know whether it was...

Or, or excrement?

- Are you messing with us? - Have you - lost it, or some... what? - What is...

You've picked the toilet paper off the Portaloo floor?

I spent a lot of time in the Portaloo, I think we all did.

You can kind of paint pretty pictures,

but, you know, there's a dark side - to comedy. - JOE:I love it, I love it.

And it feels a bit like the inside of a Portaloo.

It, ul... ultimately it's, that's what, that's what we all are really, we're just

in there, alone, with the chemicals.

Trying to find a little bit of space... Yeah.

- ...in the crazy maelstrom. - Trying to find some relief.

- Yeah, yeah. - There's, it works on so many levels,

it's also exploring, uh, you know, this kind of

psychosomatic constipation,

which you alleviated by being able to drive away,

we couldn't drive away, David.

- - Yes. - We couldn't drive away. - Well, I was...

- We had to shit in the Portaloo. - I - put it in my contract. - And that is what it's about.

I had a crap in a TK Maxx on Wednesday.

LAUGHING

Because we had that long lunch, - didn't we? - In what department?

- Well, the cafe. - Oh, right, OK.

- But we had a long lunch. - Yeah.

So, I, I...

Yeah, you just... Can I say that?

Headed straight to a TK Maxx, cos - you... And I had a crap there. - Yeah.

Cos... Is that OK?

That's fine, I would say that's good improvisation with what

was available to you in the forest.

Uh...

OK, Phil and Fatiha,

will you put your work up there, please?

Uh...

Ours is a landscape.

- Oh. - Oh.

It is in landscape,

it's not a landscape.

LAUGHING No, I said, yeah I said, "It's landscape."

Oh, I, I thought you said it's... It's in landscape.

I thought you...

LAUGHING CONTINUES

What? The orientation is landscape.

Yes, your orientation is land...

- I don't understand. - I don't entirely understand either.

- Right. - I, I made what I thought was quite a standard-level pointless, pedantic dig

and Joe has, sort of, lost it, in a, in a,

with a sort of level of laughter that's almost infused with rage.

But, um, what, describe the piece, please.

It's a sort of comic, um, uh, spread

of the six most memorable events over the last few days.

- - - Yeah. - For each other. - Yeah. - For us.

So, like, the first one, I did that one.

What, the one on the left? The - rectangle? - Yes.

And that's me and Phil meeting for the first time.

ALL: Aw.

APPLAUSE MAISIE:You lovebirds.

And the second panel there

is me and Fatiha getting blown up by the fan, after we've put up the tent.

Oh, yes.

And then it's my favourite, um,

of all the badges -

watching David be a creepy little man in the woods.

- - Oh, that's me? - Yes. - I look very slim.

You've got the hat on.

We were running out of time by that - point. - All right.

Well, that's a nice collage of memories.

- It's a love story, isn't it? - Yeah, - it's really beautiful. - Very cute. Thank you.

And does it have a title?

Six days in Purgatory.

LAUGHING Oh, yes. Lovely.

Well, I was gonna say it's exactly the sort of thing I'd love to have in my own home,

if I wanted to remember this week at all.

LAUGHING Um...

Uh, and Maisie and Darren.

MAISIE COUGHS Um...

Ours is called The Injustice.

It's, uh, Outsiders through David's eyes.

It's split in half, as you can - probably see. - Yes.

There's scales there, on the right hand side it's me and Maisie.

Am I, am I tipping the scales in - your favour? - That is you. It's obviously you.

No, you're glory... you're going, "Oh, that look..."

In fact you're saying, "Ah! My favourite Outsiders." LAUGHING

And the background on this side is all different colours and

there's flowers growing and, um,

on ours it's blood, it's charcoal

- and it's dry, dead leaves. - I see.

APPLAUSE JOE:Really good, it's really good.

I mean it's, there's a lot of, a lot of bitterness in that work.

- I don't agree with it. - Yes.

I don't think it's fair.

But, I think it's sincere

and I think it's powerful

and I think that's quite a good drawing of me in a shirt

and you've got my parting on the right side.

So, I think yours is the best and - I'm giving you the badge. - Wow.

APPLAUSE No, fair enough, fair enough.

So, yes, well done.

With only two badges left to go,

who will be the new Champions?

The Plumbing Badge.

So, Joe and Jess, and Maisie and Darren.

- Oh! - I'm gonna start with you as a four, to start with,

cos you had very, very similar approaches, didn't you?

- Did we? - Just, just panic?

If, if you descr... yes, panic was a hallmark of it.

Basically, I admired the way you all, you tried absolutely every technique

but none of them for long enough.

What did you guys use?

We, uh, we landed on the wellies.

- Wellies. - We went welly heavy.

- Welly heavy? - Welly heavy?

What was the right way to do it? Cos we're still baffled.

Well, well, there were various ways you could have...

The wellies wasn't the wrong way.

If you'd started with the wellies... Yeah.

...then you could have just, you could probably have got most of the water with the wellies alone,

by running back and forth.

So, you could have gaffer-taped the bottom of the buckets,

so that the holes were blocked up.

And there were enough tubes

- and gutters for the distance. - Was there?

Yes, if you used the tubes as well.

- Ah. - There was no way of knowing that, though.

Thinking would have been the only - way through that. - Exactly.

But there's a lot, a lot, yeah...

What's, what's happening over there? Well, we're coming to them.

- They clearly smashed it. - They cheated.

Well, Phil and Fatiha spoiled it.

LAUGHING

Um, what do you... say what you did.

Um, well...

It was very much a case of, um,

taking the bathtub to the water. GROANING

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Yeah, I mean this... Cos the water was over there and the bathtub was over there

and it looked quite difficult getting the water...

Yeah, tell us about it!..over to the bathtub.

Whereas, relatively speaking, carrying the bathtub was just a single,

- a single movement. - Can I ask a question?

- Yeah. - If you moved the bathtub there immediately, I'm guessing,

what the hell did you do for the rest of your time?

Well, it is quite a tedious bit of television.

LAUGHING

- How dare you, David. - Sounds like you - had a blast. - OK.

Joe and Jess filled the bath to a depth of 135mm.

APPLAUSE

Maisie and Darren filled the bath to - - a depth of 123mm. - Oh, my God! - What?

I, I hate the way you read out - - scores. - Yes. - I hate it, too.

Maisie and Darren filled the bath to a depth of 123mm.

I think the difference between the two levels was

primarily the detritus that you put in the bath at the last minute,

to elevate the water level.

Oh.

Um, that's,

Phil and Fatiha pretty much filled the bath to the brim,

with 330mm.

So, the Plumbing Badge, that I think we can all agree has been spoiled...

Yeah... goes to Phil and Fatiha.

APPLAUSE STARTS What are you... don't, don't.

- - Oh! - Don't be sore losers. - Come on, really fun challenge this one, I thought.

- So fun. - I thought this was a really - fun challenge. - Ahem. Uh, OK.

So...

...we get to the final badge of the week.

And at this point we are on

seven, six, six.

So, there is a,

a likelihood

that this will end in a draw.

JOE LAUGHS Which would be very, very disappointing for everyone.

Not, I mean, for, not for, necessarily, for you but I'm talking about

the programme will have failed.

So, there's a lot more at stake here

than, than there seems to be.

So...

HE SIGHS Um...

The Last Rites Badge.

Now, Phil and Fatiha,

your approach to disposing of

the remains of Dummy David and, and

celebrating him and mourning him was,

- was pickling. - Yes.

Um, and

poetry to go with the pickling.

Yes, poet... Hard to be moving in rhyme.

I thought the whole point of poetry was that it's very moving.

Yes, but not all poetry rhymes sort of AA, BB...

JOE LAUGHS ...CC, DD.

That's more, comic verse... But those are the poems that...

Right, well, yeah... usually goes for that structure.

I did find it the quickest and - easiest to write. - JESSICA:Iambic pentameter? No.

- No. - That's, I think, that's a rhythmic thing that a lot of, um... Scheme, it is scheming.

Are we focussing on the wrong bit?

- Yeah, maybe. - Sorry, I know, are you keen to head off to TK Maxx, again?

Well, I have got an apology to make. Yeah.

LAUGHING

How did you choose what food items to pickle Dummy David with?

Gherkins, onions and eggs represent the three facets of

Dummy David's character.

- Namely? - He, um,

the gherkin - he is a bit lumpy.

Um, onion...

...onion - he is white.

This is almost like you're making it up on the spot. LAUGHING

And egg because he is sulphurous.

OK.And can give life.

Is sulphurous and can give life. - Yeah. - Like a volcano.

- Yes, yes. - Yes.

Uh, and what does it say

about death?

Why the pickling?

Well, vinegar and pickling is a sour process,

as is death, but it preserves.

It preserves memory.

- Yes, exactly. - And it preserves legacy.

And there is a sadness in the memory, the sourness of the vinegar... Mm-hmm.

...but something eternal, also.

- Yes. - I really helped you out there.

That's, well I mean, that's exactly - what I said. - Yeah, um,

Darren and Maisie.

- Hello. - Hello.

Peanuts and seagulls.

- - Yeah. - Yeah. - What's going on there?

We, we know seagulls, they eat lots of things.

I mean most seagulls eat lost of things.

- They do. - Not the two you picked.

I've seen a seagull eat a cigarette butt.

I honestly, I haven't seen a more hopeless animal double-act.

Do you know how much, do you know how much the seagulls cost?

Go on.

- For the day. - Yeah, go on.

- 1,200 quid. - Fuck off! LAUGHING

1,200 quid?

- Yeah. - No wonder the woman drove off - laughing. - Yeah.

Yeah.

For two fucking seagulls.

You can't get rid of the fuckers on the South Coast, can you?

You get two of them, depressed ones.

I've never seen seagulls come out of a cage,

circle and then go back in their cage.

Well, they didn't fly, they peck about for a few seconds,

turned their fucking beaks up at some perfectly good food.

They had an eating disorder, those seagulls.

Anyway, um, so

obviously, the seagulls, it wasn't your fault.

- They let us down. - At that rate it would have taken almost two and a half months,

I think, for me to be consumed. Terrible.

Well, let's move on to Joe and Jess, um,

a combination of humiliation ad deep respect... Mm... I felt.

Where you dragged Dummy David's corpse along the ground

but yet, moved with such respect around him

was a weird combination,

that, uh, that sent a shiver down my spine.

Jess, that was a, it was a very - moving eulogy. - Thank you.

Yeah, there was a tear in my eye. Thank you.

Although, that might have been because of the toxic smoke.

Um, do you feel you managed to achieve the expression of your grief

at the loss of Dummy David?

I felt like I wanted to

acknowledge

Dummy David's contribution.

His willing to give and give and give and give and still

get punched in the goolies.

- - Yeah. - Yeah. - Which he was everyday, perhaps, all day by everybody,

- myself included. - Yes.

Also, his trousers were so tight on Joe,

that I could make out the perfect outline of Joe's penis.

Oh, right.

So, if we could blur that out it would be much appreciated.

LAUGHING It was quite the moment, while I was stood there watching

a bin burn a dummy

and Fatiha lent in to me to say,

"I think Joe's circumcised."No, no, no.

LAUGHING

Do you know what? Do you know what?

I just pull it back.

LAUGHING CONTINUES

- I simply pull it back. - I'm sorry, Joe.

Uh, so, for me,

three great funerals.

I've never died thrice in a day before.

Although, you know, there was a difficult recording of QI

earlier in my career. LAUGHING

Um, uh.

So...

Nevertheless, I'm gonna give the badge...

DRUM ROLL

...to Joe and Jess.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MAISIE:Well done, guys.

- Well done. - Well done.

It's a beautiful badge.

A wonderful ceremony.

The final scores of the series are -

Maisie and Darren have six badges,

Phil and Fatiha have six badges

but the winners of Outsiders series two

are Joe and Jess

with eight badges.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's head down to the campsites.

- DARREN:Well done, man. - JOE:Aw, thanks, it was really easy.

Now, let's have a look at the winner's highlights.

The only alternative is footage of six comedians

walking down a hill in the dark,

or ending the programme early, which would cause contractual problems.

So, we might as well.

Despite my initial scepticism,

Jess and Joe have built a new society

and demonstrated exemplary survival skills.

If anything, I think we might have done too well.

While others struggled to get even the basics of food and shelter down...

It's not nice.

...and failed to adapt to a life without luxuries...

It's all right, it's all right.

...Jess and Joe showed the power of a positive outlook.

Ah! I've lost a little bit of enthusiasm.

Giving each challenge their all.

Shall we have a little downtime - then? - Let's have a little nap.

Thinking strategically.

- Hello. - Do we lose points if we say you look like an idiot?

Staying calm.

- Oh, fuck that shit. - SHOUTING:Fuck that shit!

And becoming one with nature.

JOE SCREAMS

Making them this year's worthy winners.

- Congratulations. - Thank you very - much. - Pleased to meet you.

And now to celebrate.

- Oh. - Oh, your little flag.

JESSICA:Oh, look.

- - Nice flag. - Thank you. - Very, very nice.

Congratulations all of you.

Here are the trophies,

they look like bits of wood.

Your flag is flying high over the camp.

FATIHA:Aw.

Um, so,

congratulations Joe and Jessica.

If you'd like to come and receive your trophies.

There we go. CHEERING

Congratulations, there we go.

- Well done. - Thank you so much. Congratulations, there we go, yes.

- Cheers! - Cheers!

- Cheers. - Yes.

- Cheers. Hugely underwhelming. - Yeah. It's absolutely beautiful.

- Stunning. - It is a stunning piece.

- To the next civilisation. - Yes.

ALL: The next civilisation!

So, anyone gonna nick anything from - - the camp? - Oh, yeah. - No, no, I'm gonna torch a couple of things.

I want your brogues.

SPEAKER SQUEALING ♪ Is this a rabid squirrel? ♪

One last time. ♪ Is this a horny wolf?

♪ No, it's the guy from Peep Show... ♪

MAISIE:It does feel like a bit of - cult thing around the fire. - I love a - bop, you know. - Me too.

Go on, Phil, do it.

♪ Da-vid ♪

CHEERING

♪ Mitchell. ♪

OVER SPEAKER:Cigars, money and Cristal.

ALL: Boom!

I'll tell you what - this isn't Cristal, I reckon this is fucking Prosecco.

LAUGHING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media