Original subtitles

War, pandemics, climate change.

Ever wonder what would happen if society ended,

and we had to start again?

I bet you have!

I've used six comedians to find out,

let loose in the wild to fend for themselves -

as far as insurance and their agents will allow.

What is my greatest fear of the great outdoors?

I'd have to say stampedes.

Each day, they'll be learning vital skills...

Right in the spuds.

What I lack in skill...

SHE IMITATES MONKEY

...I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

I'll javelin it in! Stop the clock!

Just think we'll have a lovely time,

as long as there's no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful of everything.

I'd like to draw your attention - to the bucket. - Ahh!

- You ready? - Yeah.

That didn't go very far.

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation? Don't worry about it.

Got that covered.

You going to dance?

La-la-la...

I've got 13 siblings, so I grew up rough, innit,

you know what I'm saying?

Can I have a Diet Coke, please? THEY LAUGH

What kind of world will they build?

Go on, have a plate.

That would take a bit of getting used to.

Will they thrive?

You are going to make us look like fools!

Will they survive?

Oh, I didn't like that, can I go home?

Will they die?

They won't die.

I mean, they'll die one day.

This is Outsiders!

Where's the repellent? I need to be doused in repellent.

I think the fire's going down a bit.

- - Can I pump Lucille? - Yeah. - Yeah.

FATIHA:'Scuse me!

Just because I'm Muslim and polygamy is permitted,

don't take the piss.

Do you feel strong?

Fatiha, is that doing it for you? It is.

You like a man with good - pump action? - I do.

- Not a one-pump chump? - No.

He can keep going. That chump can chump right off.

Chump...

PHIL:Yes!

- Oh, look! - Yes!

Yeah, that's good, look at that.

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

STATIC BUZZES

OPERATIC SINGING

JOE:What the effing...? What is going on?

Is he bald?!

He might be bold.

- Morning. - Morning.

- Great. - Morning.

So... New suit?

- What is that? - Fashion!

That's the first badge.

- Ready for it? - Yeah.

First, I have to recap the scores...

- Yes. - Fuck sake... because for viewers who are watching for that.

So, the scores are - Jess and Joe, six badges.

Darren and Maisie, three badges.

Phil and Fatiha, four badges.

That's the situation.

Everything could change.

So...

...the Fashion Badge.

In a post-apocalyptic world, threats are all around.

To earn your Fashion Badge,

you must create a warrior look to intimidate your enemies.

You will be given a model,

and you must both cut, colour, and style their hair.

You may also paint their skin and create additional clothing

to achieve your look.

You will be judged on how striking and fearsome they look.

- Wow. - Bring on the models!

Does that always work for you?

Hi, Elle. Can I do this with your hair?

I've always wanted to do this.

Hi, Sylvia.

Thanks for joining us in this clearing.

Enough of those niceties -

we're turning you into a warrior!

What do you see, Frank?

Could do us some improvement. Could do with some improvements.

Aha! We're here to help you, honey.

I've had a couple of really bad experiences,

cutting people's hair in the past.

Third time lucky, I'm thinking.

- May I take off this clip? - You may.

Oh, gosh. It's complicated.

I'll pull it apart... This is what he says about bra straps.

JESS:You're the director. OK, the vision, the vision.

We're just here to... I want to have some fun!

We're going to go for sass. The thing is...

If you're that sassy, you don't need to fight.

Elle is very beautiful. Yes, very beautiful. Very sassy.

So, we're going to u-u-use that.

We could do, like, horns, you know, because we've got hairspray and gel.

A bit of hairspray, yeah. Horns up here.

We're trailing so bad now. I think it's pure anarchy.

That's it. There isn't a...

There's no method any more - when we panic. - Anarchy!

Oh, my God.

I like the little, er... boob window there.

I don't see what that's for.

What I'll first of all do is give you just a little trim.

Eee-dub-dub-dub-dub-da-yub!

Bit more on this side, Darren. Bit more on that side, don't worry.

You're doing the face, as well?

Yeah, but just... trying to get the face of it wet.

Oh, sorry, your ear. Right, got a hearing aid...

Sorry, we've got a hearing aid, - gotta be careful. - Circumvent them.

We also can't chat about Sylvia back here, because she'll...

Oh, I can, I'll just turn it off. She won't know.

Shave, shave, shave Elle's head.

Joking!

Wow, you're going straight in there.

We don't want it that long, do you?

We do. This is looking lovely, Frank.

This is quite a lot of hair coming off there!

Quite a lot of hair.

Oh, dear. Oh, whoops!

I'd like to just take a little - bit more off there. - Sure, yeah.

And then, if you can gel up these.

- Gel those bad boys? - Gel these.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- The devil's come early. - This is it.

I think Frank's moulting.

A fun thing about fashion is all the crazy stuff that people

will do, thinking that it'll make them look cool,

or the latest thing, like, in the Elizabethan era,

the huge penis-shaped codpieces, the crazy Mohican hairdo.

Whenever you see in the paper, the latest thing on the

fashion walk, it always looks daft.

So, I'm hoping today that, in trying to look cool, invulnerable,

mighty, they'll end up making those poor people look ridiculous.

Oh, is this the little black dress?

This is her little sack dress. Oh, right.

All warriors have a little sack dress in their cave.

I just think in a post-apocalyptic world, something like this

is pretty cool.

- - I like a loincloth. - Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm going to make you look spiky in the front.

Part of you, kind of, got a bit of a porcupine look here.

- How about a poncho? - Yes!

Right, so I'm thinking we paint "revenge" -

because it's all about revenge.

We have an outing at the front, or something...?

- Everywhere, everywhere. - Yeees!

Savage! I'm absolutely loving this.

I wish I'd done fashion.

MAISIE:"Revenge."Yeah.

R-E-V...E-N-G-E.

- Revenge. - Revenge.

Oh-ho!

Shit.

OK, I'm going to do make-up now. Sure.

Wow. I don't think I've ever applied better eye shadow.

PHIL:What's the square? It's like an all-seeing eye,

- - or something. - Yeah, exactly. - Yeah.

I don't think we should have any feathers. What do you think?

I think feathers are boring.

Feathers in the hair, feathers in the hair.

And then, just see what happens.

Now she looks batshit.

Want to make a kissy face for me? SHE CHUCKLES

Sylvia, relax, OK? He's taken.

I kind of like the feathers.

Do you know what? It's warrior girl on a night out.

Yes.

DARREN:Maisie, I think I've - brought my water balloons. - Yes!

I want to go get my balloons.

I mean, with Sylvia's glasses on, it does look a bit like

we have an overdue library book.

Frank here is going to attack with his water balloon.

Even if you just throw them on the floor, let 'em know

you don't take no shit, because you're here for "revenj".

I just want a position.

Like... no, I'm liking it.

Yeah, you can't do too much.

You can do too much.

Hello.

Hello, David. Not now, David, not now.

No, now, yeah, I've been cued.

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah.

Oh... This is Brutus.

- Elle is now Brutus? - Yeah. All right, Brutus.

That's a hell of a look.

Thank you.

- PHIL:Oh, David. - Hi.

Don't be too afraid!

Sylvia, you do look intimidating.

The slight smile makes it even more frightening.

What are you doing with the gaffer?

Sit down, David.

MAISIE:This is Frank, the Anarchist.

So, the idea is you're an anarchic, lone figure of terror.

Absolutely, yes. I see revenge is spelled...

Do you like how it's spelled?

...phonetically, like in a really smashing spelling.

Spin around, have a go. Do you like the French plait work?

So that means, even when you're running away,

you remain frightening.

Ho-ho, he's all about anarchy, - this guy. - All angles.

- - Anarchy! - Anarchy! - Anarchy! - Anarchy! - Anarchy!

Anarchy!

- - D'oh! - Oh, my God. - Oh, I see!

That's what you were doing!

- This bloody thing. - It didn't pop!

How the fuck...?Oh, no.

I like the daub of...

...orange paint along the hairline.

- Thank you. - That's...

That looks like that's going to be tricky to get out.

But at the same time, for that, that has an element of danger.

Thank you very much.

I'm sure your civilisation will prosper.

I'll give my verdict later in the tent.

Thank you, David. Thank you. Thank you.

- - Thank you. - Bye! - Well done. See you later.

Surprise!

Who's that gorgeous - monobrowed fella? - Yes!

I think Frank was furious.

Yeah, I think he wants to kill us. I think he was absolutely livid.

I ran for my life out of those woods.

- And stacked it. - Yeah, what happened?

I think I was just so, like, terrified of Frank,

gravity gave way.

- Maisie! - Anarchy!

I fell on my... Fuck!

Frank was throwing water balloons at me when I was on the floor.

That's how much we've "anarchised" him.

DARREN:Fatiha, was you ever a emo?

Yes, I was.

You had an emo phase? - PHIL:Were you? Really? - I was, yeah.

I had an undercut, and I had it pink.

And I didn't used to wear hijab.

I only started wearing a hijab - - when I was 23. - Nice. - Oh, wow.

Would you wear, like, heavy eyeliner?

No, I wasn't intimate. Do you know what?

I didn't wax my moustache until I was, like, 20.

That's proper emo. And I used to work in a pizza shop,

right, and I went in, and one day...

Did they think you were the pizza guy from the bust?

THEY LAUGH "Oh, wow, it's you!"

JOE:"Hey, Mario!" "It's Papa John!"

FATIHA:What about you, Phil?

When I was a kid, I wasn't the fashionista you see

- before you today. - Ohh.I...

I had no idea what to wear.

I was very dorky and awkward, and weird.

And we had our first-ever, like, casual clothes day at school.

Must've been, like, ten years old. So much pressure.

So much pressure, so excited.

I also had a lisp, and I thought... - Did you? - And I was like,

"Come on, Phil, thith ith your firtht opportunity for the thchool

"to thee who you really are.

"Expreth yourself, expreth yourself."

And so, I got all these bits together, and I turned up

in the craziest outfit.

- I just went a bit mad. - Yeah.

I had some, like, sunglasses - I wore sunglasses to school.

Like The Matrix.

Like in the Matrix, - thin sunglasses. - So cool.

I had a single fingerless glove.

- No, no! - So cool. THEY LAUGH

What were you doing?

And then, a soft, soft fleece vest. Fuck off!

Sleeveless vest.

And on the back, it said, "One life, live it."

THEY LAUGH

Phil, you were dressed like a Grand Theft Auto character!

"One life, live it?"

"One life, live it," full stop.

And what did you have on your bottoms?

Probably just chinos, I think, just chinos and, like, trainers.

- Oh, God. - I had a feeling you'd like that story,

I had a feeling you'd like it.

- - Hi. - Mr Mitchell. - Hi, David.

Hello. It's prick-time.

Oh, here he comes.

What's the prick, what now?

Right, you ready for the next one?

- - Sure. - Yes, please. - OK, OK.Why not?

"Recruiting new members will be the key to ensuring a continued

"labour force and a wider gene pool."

You've definitely written this one, haven't you?

THEY LAUGH

"To earn your Recruitment Badge, you will need to sell yourself

"and your vision of the camp to a newcomer.

"The new recruit will interview each team individually.

"Whichever pair the recruit decides to join wins the badge."

- Wow. - OK?Great.

And the recruit is called Ed - and he's over there.

- Oh! - Oh, wow.

- Hey, Ed! - You all right, mate?

He's sitting at what I like to call "the table of horrible food."

I think it's finished, this bit.

I'm just working up the energy to stand and leave.

I know, it's good sitting down, - innit? - OK, let's...

You and me, we have to leave at the end,

and then, that will be a cut point.

OK?OK.Yeah.

Ohh! Oh, my...

You didn't...!

- Oh! - I feel like I've jumped in the swimming pool naked,

and we said it was a dare.

Fuck's sake! THEY CHUCKLE

We should bring him a gift. We should bring him again.

Take a pillow, take a pillow.

OK.Look, they're taking a cushion.

JOE:Er... Phil's got piles.

- Has he? - Yeah. I have noticed a weird walk.

FATIHA:And then, just... go by ear.

Play by ear, be nice. Speaking of ears...

...his are fucking massive lies.

- Just be real nice. - OK.

- Hello. - Hi.

- - - Hi. - Hello. - Ed, is it? - Yes.

Hi, Ed, I'm Phil, this is Fatiha.

- Hello. - We thought we'd bring you a gift to make your process

a little more comfortable. That's very kind, thank you.

Just the kind of craftsmanship you can expect from... Thanks.

MAISIE:You're a fan of the drink.

- There you go. - Welcome.

Lovely, thank you.

We brought you some sticks for hunting.

Hi there, Ed. Sorry we're a bit late,

we've interviewing people all day. Just had a couple of other meetings.

- - Hi. - Hi. - Jessica...

...quite a rush on to join the ol' civilisation of ours.

SHE CHUCKLES I'm sure you can imagine!

We haven't got a huge amount - - of time, have we? - Yeah. - So...

Question number one.

I'm interested in joining a calm, nonviolent community.

Is that you?

- 100%. - Absolutely.

A calm - calmness and kindness are the two central tenets

of our society.

Everything we do is with compassion.

Stop it.

We always say, don't we?

BOTH, HALTINGLY: # When you feel

♪ I feel angry ♪ ..angry

♪ Punch your thigh instead. ♪

"Punch your thigh instead."Yes.

I'm keen to join extremely energetic, outgoing team players.

Is that you?

It certainly is. - But is it you, Ed? - Is it you?

Why - more importantly, why... why would we...?

- How will we see that in you? - Yes.

Er, I'll just go onto question two.

Language is very important to me.

- Great. - I'd like to join a team who speak properly.

- Well said. - I appreciate that, sir.

First of all, we have a huge respect for language, grammar -

spelling in particular, in particularly... Yeah.

In particularly.

How would you repopulate the world?

Is there any other way?

THEY LAUGH

How will you punish people?

Oh! I mean, I gave you some sticks, didn't I?

I gave you some pointy sticks.

Are you planning to break any laws, Ed?

I will thrash you!

MAISIE:We take a very heavy-handed approach.

We chop them up and eat them.

We'll turn you into meat, and we'll eat your body parts.

He really likes the ass part. When it comes to eating people,

I do want to eat the ass. OK, "will... eat... ass."

Yeah. He's underlined "ass".

Talk me through a typical day.

THEY CHUCKLE

I was just remembering how beautiful this morning was.

So lovely, yeah.

Er, get up, round...

- Round of golf. - Round of golf.

Everyone gives each other... A hug.

And for breakfast, fry - charred... Chargrilled rabbit... rabbits.

- Chargrilled rabbit. - Yes.

We've also got some mint.

I can make you some mint tea, if you want.

Fatiha makes a killer mint tea.

Best in the apocalypse wasteland.

And in the afternoon...

More golf?..more golf. Bit of orange juice.

Erm... And sometimes, human sacrifice.

Next question.

Who would you put up a statue of?

We had a Timmy Mallett thing put up, just an old-school-style icon.

Brought lots of colour.

You know, we really miss that, those days.

He had a real anarchic energy. I think you'll agree, Timmy Mallett,

and that's kind of something that we try to embody in our way of life.

The number-one pick is sitting right in... Reagan.

R-Ronald Reagan.

We just thought his approach to economics was harsh, but fair.

- Yeah. - And Fatiha has a big fan of, sort of...

American twats.

THEY LAUGH

"American twats."

Where will people live?

Well, we'll live in the big house.

I'm very much looking for what you could offer me, hypothetically.

- Right. - Wow, wow. Wow.

The brass balls on the boy.

WHISPERS: "Brass balls."

Will the calendar be the same, or will we have new months?

I think we'll have new months.

OK, so what's the first?

The first month of the year is called...

BOTH:First.

Then the second month of the year is called...

Second... Second Month.

But get this, the third month

is called Janet.

Two Ts, one six.

The fourth month is called...

- Fifth? - No, that gets confusing then.

OK, the fourth month can be called Fifth.

Sorry, I forgot it was the month that you were ruling.

Go on, you carry on.

Fourth month is called... Fatiha.

- Hoo. - Good save.

The fifth month is called May,

because I quite like that one, actually.

And then, that brings us to...

I don't like that, cos that's the girl you was with before me.

I don't like that name.

You know the girl that I put at the bottom of the lake? It's that one.

Is there a national drink?

Water.

Water, is that a problem? Is that a problem?

Because you're eyeballing me.

Do you have a drink problem, Ed?

Are you sure? Don't worry, we've all been through it.

The world is falling apart. I don't have a drink problem.

What will you use for money?

And what will the currency be called?

PHIL:Erm...

...squirrel tails.

Yeah.

Because squirrel tails are common enough to be viable,

but rare enough to hold value.

The name of the currency...

- Is... skwas. - Squizzes.

- Skwas. - Squazzes.

- - Squiz. - Squirzzes. - Squazzers.

I like to round off the day with a song.

Would you be up for that?

I don't think... We certainly would love that, Ed.

What would you like to sing?

Erm... the alphabet song.

Thank you. Take it away. Take it away.

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G

♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P

"Now I know my ABCs, won't you come and sing with me?"

Very good, Ed. Very good.

- Lovely. - Next question.

What do you call your country?

Glad you asked.

Er, we call our country.

I'll explain our country. It's cool.

Everybody wants to be a part of this cool, sort of, meta,

future, meta-country. That's its name.

Meta Country is its name.

- Meta Country? - Meta Country. Meta Country.

I think "Glad You Asked" would've been a better name.

Our country is called F...

Phil... Phil and...

BOTH: ..Fatiha's.

Phil and Fatiha's. Yeah, that's what it's called.

- Like a diner. - Yeah.

- Berkshire. - Berkshire.

"Berkshire." OK.

Good name.

And finally, can you summarise your philosophy in three words?

- Futuristic. - Fun.

Anarchic.

"Let's play golf."

BOTH:How many...?

"Do what we say, or else."

BOTH:..love...

"Stop drinking, Ed!"

BOTH:..and... respect.

OK, that was actually more normal than I thought it would be.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you, Ed. - No, thank you.

We'll be in touch.

Thank you.

I think we've done well. - I think so. - OK.

I don't have a drinking problem.

Hi, Ed.

I know you'll be officially providing your report

as to the community you'd like to join later.

Just a few initial thoughts?

Sure, well, starting with Phil and Fatiha.

I admired their synchronicity.

They seem to be working very much in tandem.

- Yes. - Perhaps too much with some of their answers.

So, it was just, sort of, slow...

You could hear the grinding of the gears on the tandem.

Very much so.

I did enjoy the promise of their cuisine.

Chargrilled rabbits.

Moving on, Maisie and Darren.

Very charismatic, very bright personalities.

Yeah, they do go on a bit, you're right.

And then, finally, Joe and Jess.

Quite frosty demeanours.

Frosty. Interesting.

Perhaps could work a little more on their communication.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

And I look forward to receiving your full report.

So, your. drinking

That whisky you were given earlier - it's empty, isn't it?

Erm, I think... Pretty shocking.

It's only been a few minutes.

Oh, what the... fuck?

- Ohh. - Oh. Ugh!

- Here we go. - Wow.

Please come into the area, corralled off by pallets.

PHIL:Ah! It's a shooting gallery.

Now, let me read out the badge.

"In a post-apocalyptic world, defending yourself and your

"resources from marauders is essential."

Agreed? ALL:Yeah.

I mean, just unanswerable.

"To earn your Ballistics Badge, you will need to choose and test

"a projectile weapon and use it effectively.

"You'll face an army of invaders who have kidnapped me."

Is the army of invaders Mumford and Sons?

LAUGHTER That's not a reference I get.

Oh, OK.Is it musical?

- They're a band. - Musical, yeah.

I've heard of Frank Sinatra.

Oh, he was good.

He's got a Frank Sinatra hat on, in the middle.

Oh, yes, he does, doesn't he? Bit of a crooner?

Maybe this is the Rat Pack!

- Maybe. - You have to hit each of them once above the waist.

OK.Because if you hit them in the, sort of, knees or groin,

they'll still keep coming, they'll be angrier.

Then rescue Dummy David and get Dummy David back there,

and you'll be timed.

And the quickest to do it wins. Straightforward.

- I like this. - Very straightforward. This is fine.

- OK. Ready? - Yeah.

- Ready. - Go away, that way.

- - Thank you. - Cheers. - Cheers, David.

Thank you.

FATIHA:Have you ever made a weapon?

JOE:Yeah, sort of, a fork, a killing fork.

You?

'Course, I've made a couple of shanks.

The teams have been given the post-apocalyptic weapons of choice

to practise with - three giant catapults.

Ooh, wow, OK.

I think this is the, sort of, idea, right? I mean, I guess...

- Oh! - Aww.

- You ready? - Yeah.

That didn't go very far.

Oh, I just saw another one.

Look.

Oh, the wheelbarrow is one.

Ye-e-es!

Might have to get down on one knee...

I know... to get a bit higher.

Oh... yeah.

I didn't think you were proposing, - it's fine. - No, no.

FATIHA:Go.

Oh, you missed it! But that was a wicked shot.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Shot, bruv.

Is that... that's kind of high.

Yeah, but we could do that, and then, pull it, and then...

No, I don't...

Jesus!

- Ready? - You got this, Maise.

Oh, fuck!

- Ow. - How strong are you?

I think these...

PHIL:Stay away from me and my wife!

Ooh!

That was good, man. I think this one's better.

I think you're right, I think this is the one.

And another good one!

- It's a good one. - This is it, it's a well-oiled machine.

No-one's doing it like that, as well.

No-one's picking a wheelbarrow!

JESS:Fire in the hold.

I feel like this is going to work.

Look, why don't we make them walk?

ELDERLY VOICE:When I was young, this was all fields.

Still is. Good to see.

So, they've chosen their weapons. Here we go.

It's going to be like the Ballistics Olympics.

- Hello. - Hi.

I see you're wearing helmets.

Oh... is that all right?

Well, I mean, yeah, I'm just worried I'm not.

Oh, yeah, I would if I was you.

- Really? - Yeah.

They're looking quite jaunty, the Rat Pack/Mumford and Sons.

It's amazing what a hat can do.

You've chosen that... Fatiha anchors the apparatus.

And then, I operate.

Yes, I see how it's going to work.

- Ow! - Sorry.

So, when you've hit them, then go and get Dummy David,

get him back - we stop the clock.

And it's head, torso, and nuts are for fun?

- Nuts is just for fun. - Yeah.

Ready... steady... go.

MAISIE:Fuck, that was bad.

Go!

Aye! Come on!

JOE:Load!

Ohh.

Oh! Got him!

Is that OK?Beautiful. You've got him.

You don't need to get him again, unless you particularly hate him.

- Oh, got it! - Hit!

- Oh! - So close!

DARREN:Come on, Maisie!

- Ohh! - Got him!

Oh, that was splendid!

Oh, groyne!

See if we can keep the poles steady.

Oh, is that what I'm doing?

Oh!

Oh! Literally hit the cameraman!

That's the best thing I've ever done.

Got him in the nuts!

Stop the clock!

He's rolling around on the floor. JOE LAUGHS

I'm going to put my clipboard there.

This game's incredible! Keep going, though!

The clock's going, you've only hit one of the miscreants.

Got him!

Yes!

Hit!

Only stripy shirt still to go.

Now you're just throwing them.

I mean, that is allowed.

Maisie, get ready to run!

- Get him, go! - Got him!

- Yes! - Got him!

- Got him! - Go, go, go, go, go!

All you have to do is get the David...

- Get him! - Go get the David, and get him behind the pallets.

- - I'll javelin him! - Oh. - Ahh!

Javelin him... stop the clock!

And... stop the clock!

- Stop the clock! - Oh!

- JOE:I broke his spine. - Oh, God.

It doesn't say anywhere that you have to not break his spine.

Well done. You killed three people.

You rescued me.

We'll see how you did later in the tent.

- Thank you, David. - Thank you.

And you're welcome for being saved. - - Good work. - Thank you. - Thank YOU.

Thank you very much. I really enjoyed that.

That's a great - you've chosen - a very good weapon. - Yeah.

I've got a wheelbarrow like that.

And now, I could break all of my neighbours' windows.

Well, thank you very much. Thank YOU!See you later.

- - Oh! - Well-played. - Smash.

- Yeah. - Bye, Dummy David.

- Bye, mate. - Bye, real David.

Bye.

I'm sorry I broke his spine.

This is the real evil fucker, if you ask me.

Look at his eyes.

I'll steal his hat.

MAISIE:Why not put the scariest - person with an axe? - Go on, Fat.

All right. Everyone shut their holes, all right?

You look like the end of The Shining.

Need to shut our holes, shut our holes.

THEY CHEER

- JOE:Honestly. - That was... Never in doubt.

That was never smooth!

Never in doubt.

Guys, I don't suppose you want to watch Phil try and cut wood, do you?

- MAISIE:Yeah! - You got this, Phil, I believe in you!

PHIL:Thank you.

FATIHA:Go on, Phil.

- It's not golf. - Show it who's daddy!

Are you always wobbly?

Yes! That's good!

Ah! I've got something a splinter! THEY LAUGH

- Huh! - Yes! THEY CHEER

- Big Daddy Wang! - Good job.

Piece of wood, anyone?

We're nearing the end of the penultimate day.

So far, the Outsiders have outlined their vision of a utopian society

to a bemused newcomer...

I'm very much looking for what you could offer me.

The brass balls on the boy.

...shown how a wheelbarrow works as a weapon...

That didn't go very far.

...and launched a post-apocalyptic Fashion Week.

Now she looks batshit.

But which of them has done enough to get a badge?

Outsiders!

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

- Hello. - Hello, mate!

Take a seat.

Well, it's the end of day five, the penultimate day!

You're just 24 hours from a bath.

THEY CHUCKLE

So, let's get straight on with it.

The Ballistics Badge.

You all enjoyed it?

- Yeah, brilliant. - We loved it!

- Chucking some stuff? - We did.

Oh, it was so fun.

Yeah, I felt a completely different emotion.

What was that emotion?

Joy. Temporary joy. LAUGHTER

Some dips - start at an immediate high, then an immediate low

- when it was over. - All joy dips. - Yes. - That's the thing.

But you had a great experience, though, didn't you?

I hit a cameraman in the spuds.

- - Did you?! - Yeah. - Yeah.

A very senior television professional was right in the

trajectory, and has got seriously injured in the groin by Joe.

It's a great moment in his career.

I mean, it was he was quite badly hurt.

So, Maisie and Darren - you were partly using the catapult,

but also, a fair bit of throwing.

You got one of the miscreants just with the power of the human arm.

My one on the right, straight to the chest.

Just, oh, I'm replaying it in my head over and over.

That's what they want you to go for in real warfare situations,

cos it won't necessarily kill the person, but it causes an injury

that has to be treated and saps the resources of the enemy.

Yeah. Yes.

Does it, I mean, does it not matter that once Joe'd rescued you,

he then hurled you through the air and broke your back?

- Spine. - Spine.

DARREN:We did a similar thing.

You didn't break my spine, what you did is you broke the thing

that I was tied to. Oh, I never looked.

Because, as anyone will tell you, I am spineless.

LAUGHTER

That's why I heard a squelch.

Yes, You may have burst - one of my inner sacs. - Oh, God!

And that allowed one of my fluids to infect one of my others.

But that's a separate issue.

- So... Yeah. - There was nothing - there to break? - There wasn't.

And you all threw me across the line.

That was a strategy adopted wholesale.

Did you want to be carried over the threshold, like a newlywed?

Well, you weren't, you...

- - Yes. - Yes? - Absolutely, yes.

Anyway, so this is just... it's just numbers, this one.

Phil and Fatiha, you completed the Ballistics course

in three minutes, 32 seconds.

- Not long. - Wow. 3:32, I dunno.

Joe and Jess, you completed the course

in two minutes and one second.

Oh, that's good, that's really good.

That's really good. That's really good.

However, Maisie and Darren completed the course in

one minute and 41 seconds...

...so the Ballistics Badge goes to Maisie and Darren!

THEY CHEER

DARREN:What a cool badge. That's the cool one!

- I like that! - Very well done.

You all did very well, but you were incredibly quick.

Yeah, you nailed it.

So, moving on - the Recruitment Badge.

It was a tricky one, this, because you're dealing with a...

Who was he?

Ed, I have literally two letters of information.

I'm guessing he's an Edward. He could've been an Edwin.

- An Eduardo. - Or an Eduardo. - - Edmond. - Edmond. - Edmundo.

Edmundo, Edwino.

- - Ecuador. - Edwino. - Edwina!

You thought he had a drinking problem?

I suggested it, I was... Maybe it's short for Ed-wino.

So, let's start with Phil and Fatiha's interview.

I was intrigued to see that in the future, the day will start

with chargrilled rabbit and mint.

- Yes. - That was breakfast, was it?

Well, if we just had eggs and beans out of a tin,

it's not very appealing. It's not very exotic.

And you think chargrilled rabbit and mint was going to...?

Well, we're talking about it now. Well, yes, cos you said it earlier.

I'm questioning why you said it.

But it's a point of interest, - isn't it? - Yes, I suppose it is, yes.

Yeah, yeah. OK.

Your chosen statue?

Fatiha just came up with Ronald Reagan.

LAUGHTER Yes, you did say Ronald Reagan.

It was, I mean, I would say a risky strategy.

I tell you what, for a big Ronald Reagan fan,

that would've potentially clinched it.

But then, I would say he seemed like quite a young man

and quite unlikely to be a major fan of Reagan and Reaganomics.

That's just what came to mind. Maybe he was.

OK, Joe, Joe and Jess, what was your approach?

- Erm... Tough love. - Yeah.

I think halfway through, I felt like we pushed him away.

Well, you did a bit. You were quite aggressive.

Yeah, he said, where would he live?

And I think you said, "This lad's got brass balls."

LAUGHTER

The typical day, I think, intimidated him.

Get up, round of golf, orange squash, more golf,

and occasionally human sacrifice.

That was a joke.

- We hardly ever play golf. - Yeah. LAUGHTER

Maisie and Darren, you had quite a vision.

Do you remember what you called your country?

- Meta Country. - Meta Country, yeah.

Oddly, do you know what you said when he first asked,

"What's the country called?"

You remember? You said, "Glad you asked."

- Glad you asked. - And in your accent, "Glad you asked."

I thought, "That's a wonderful name for a country."

- - Gladuast. - Gladuast. - Gladuast.

Gladuast - welcome, it's like Narnia.

"Welcome to the land of Gladuast." We'd be happy to change it.

- Gladuast. - Gladuast.

That's really nice, yeah. Yeah, very peaceful.

Emphasis on cannibalism.

That doesn't go with that vibe, though.

Do you know what, David?

I think you're looking at it with a very pre-apocalypse mind-set.

And post-apocalypse, it's not cannibalism, it's diet.

It's just food. We're seasoning arse and stuff.

It's just how you eat.

Well, you may be right.

I fear that Ed is with me there though, because he'd written

down on his notes, "We eat ass."

He's not put "they eat ass," he's already put "WE eat ass."

- He's one of you. - He's mentally already checked into Gladuast.

I'm not endorsing cannibalism, but I think if you are going to eat

a human being, then probably a good bit to start with

would be the buttocks. Yeah, with a steak knife.

Yeah, not the actual anus.

Oh, right, yeah. Oh, I'd eat that, too!

You could make a single Calomiris - with that. - Not the gooch.

Anyway, in the end, it all came down to Ed.

And he said, and the winner of the badge...

...Phil and Fatiha.

Ohh! "Love, harmony, respect." APPLAUSE

There we go.

I think I smell a rabbit fan!

A rabbit and mint. LAUGHTER

OK, Fashion Badge next!

OK, let's have a look.

Let's start with Joe and Jess.

Should we have a look at how you transformed Elle?

- - Yeah. - Can do. - Yeah, OK.

Let's have a look at this, everyone.

- - Oh! - Ooh! - Wow!

That's amazing. Quite a strong look isn't it?

JOE:Yeah, and what did we call it?

"The little sack dress." The little sack dress.

That every warrior should have in her closet.

A nice dress that, but the bloodied hands showing

she means business, war-wise.

She's buried her hand in her assailant's guts, ripped them out.

Chopped them down, and then, straight onto the catwalk.

Let's move on to Phil and Fatiha. This is Sylvia, erm, before.

Prepare yourselves, everyone.

- - Wow! - Wow. - I mean, that's... - goodness me. - Wow.

Is that Photoshop? PHIL:Yeah, what is that?

What did you do to her hair?

Well, we turned the front bit into a, sort of, two devil horns.

We would've done more, but we had to spend a lot of time

looking for her hearing aid battery she dropped...

Yeah, and we could not find it.

And, like, Phil just was ruthless.

The first thing, he turned on the clippers,

and then, he just went in on her side like that.

Well, she couldn't hear me coming, so I just...

So, shall we have a look at Darren and Maisie's?

- - This is Frank. - Frank. - Frank.

Frank before...

- Wow. - And there he is.

He's wielding a water balloon there.

He water-ballooned David Mitchell... - Yeah. - Yeah, he did.

- ...on television. - He was packing... well, not heat, but,

- sort of, wet coldness. - H2O.

He was mild-mannered until that point, but it just showed

there was a lot of... There's a lot going on there.

His rage came out.

We shaved his beard into three different patches.

We drew an angry face on the back of his head and painted it in.

We got rid of pretty much all the hair off the back of his head.

He's had a number one on the entire bit, except for the front bit.

When you say that, it sounds like you mean you've pissed

on the back of his head. No-one pissed on Frank's head.

No, but you know what I mean, it's just, number one on the back

of the head is something you can actually...

There are places where - they charge for that. - Yes.

Well, look, I think you - all did very well. - Yeah.

But I'm going to give, for style, the Fashion Badge to...

...Joe and Jess.

HE GASPS - Well-deserved. - Guys!

- - But! - Oh, my gosh! - Well-deserved. That's the one we wanted.

But that is not the end of the story.

- Oh. - Oh.

Because Darren and Maisie went the extra mile with this,

and this is the back of Frank.

He's probably more frightening from behind than from the front.

The best things are.

And I think for that extra dimension of frighteningness,

I am awarding a Golden Badge. Yes, yes!

So, let me going pop those badges up.

Fashion Badge.

The Golden Badge.

There we are.

So, the overall scores are Joe and Jess, seven badges.

Maisie and Darren, five badges.

Phil and Fatiha, five badges.

Well done, everyone! - Well done, everyone. - Well done.

Really, still one day to go, everything to play for.

It's as exciting as it could possibly be.

Oh, I've had a text message.

Oh, dear.

Tom, the cameraman's in hospital, and they're...

They're having to remove a ball. JESS:Ohh, Joe.

Hopefully it's a tennis ball. THEY CHUCKLE

Anyway, I'd better go.

Yes, er, flowers, and... oh, yeah.

This is the thing I've got to get him to sign.

All right. See you tomorrow. ALL:See you tomorrow.

Maisie!

Do you want to join? - The dancing? - Yeah.

Not really a sort of dancing guy.

I think he's going to be cremated.

Do you think we should take the shirt off?

Cos it's actually quite nice,

and I think it would suit you. It's a nice shirt, yeah.

The winners of Outsiders, Series 2...

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