All language subtitles for d.m.o.s02e04.720p.web.h264-skyfire

War, pandemics, climate change.

Ever wondered what would
happen if society ended

and we had to start again?

I bet you have.

I've used six comedians to find out,

let loose in the wild,
to fend for themselves -

as far as insurance
and their agents will allow.

What is my greatest fear
of the great outdoors?

I'd have to say stampedes.

Each day, they'll be
learning vital skills...

- Oh!
- What I lack in skill...

Argh!

...I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

I'll javelin it.
Javelin in!

- Stop the clock!
- I just think we'll
have a lovely time

as long as there's no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful
of everything.

I'd like to draw your
- attention to the bucket.
- Argh!

♪ Keep your smelly body bits
fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh. ♪

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation? Don't worry
about it. Got that covered.

How you doing,
good looking?

Turn the cameras off.

I've got 13 siblings, so
I grew up roughing it.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Look at my cute little face.

Do I look like I lie?

Yes.

What kind of world will they build?

And in the afternoon... Sometimes
human sacrifice.

Will they thrive?

You were going to make us
look like fools.

Will they survive?

I think... Maisie!

Will they die?

They won't die.

Well, I mean, they'll die one day.

This is Outsiders!

That squirrel is staring
at my cappuccino.

Morning, everyone.
Morning.

How's everyone today?

You look like you're at a sort
of lunch in a period drama.

- - - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- In my head.
- Going,
"I shan't marry him. I shan't."

Fatiha, do my legs offend you?

Actually, they turn me on.

- Oh, God. Really?
- Wow.

- Really?
- It's very early.

We all know Fatiha
likes a rugged leg.

Well, exactly.

I'm attracted to tramps,
and he's very trampy.

Shut up, you.

Where is David?

That's what I was thinking.

David's normally here by now.

- Don't tempt it.
- Yeah.

I'm like Phil, I'm kind
of enjoying the lack of David.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's making me feel very uneasy.

So, for the first badge this
morning, we're going to be testing

the Outsiders' knot-tying abilities,

which is obviously a bit dull,

but tying knots clearly
has applications

to a survival situation

so we thought we
ought to do that one.

Ah! You see, not so dull now, is it?

I'm tied up.
Am I going to be shot?

Is it a sex thing?

Now you're interested,

you perverts.

Here we are.

This is us. OK.

It's looking very...

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Sorry. We didn't mean to walk
in on you like this.

What happened?

I've been tied up.

Shall I do your flies up for you.
Are they OK like that?

That is a very worrying thing.

I can't see round my paunch.

I know... I know my cock isn't out
because I'd feel the breeze.

Morning, Outsiders.

I do need someone to hold that thing
in front of me

so I can tell you what's going on.

Are those are your real legs?

Yeah, I mean... They're
the ones I've always had.

They look suspicious.

Now you've said that, they
do look like fake legs.

Well, they're NOT fake legs!

Look, I can move them.
The right one's wooden.

Well, you would say that.
The right one is wooden, right?

Right, now.

Firstly, recap scores.

Jess and Joe are on four badges

and both of the other teams
are on three badges each.

So the first badge of
today is the knot badge.

To win this badge,

you will need to tie up
your partner.

- Oh!
- Sexual.

Maisie, can you move the
clipboard about a bit?

Oh, thank you.

You will have five minutes.

You will have five minutes to tie
them up as securely as possible

before an opposing team tries
to untie them.

The team whose knots remain tied
the longest

will be the winners of the badge.

I want to preserve my energy
for this task

so you can read from there.

Oh, I actually can.

I just need the big guns
for this one, I feel.

There you go. That's all I have to
- say. Go and practice knots.
- OK.

Do you need to be untied now,
or are you happy?

Someone will untie me, I'm sure.

Can someone untie me now, please?

Thank you.

I'm fucking serious.

Someone!

I haven't had a tea
in eight minutes!

Have you ever tied anybody
up before, Maise?

I can't say I have.

I feel like it's quite a racy
thing to do, isn't it?

No-one's ever owed me money,
so I've never tied anyone up.

What the hell is that?

So, we've got to practise on him,
- I'm guessing, right?
- Yeah.

OK. So this is the... Oh, wow.

These are different types of knots.

The first one is round turn
and two half hitches.

That rings no bells.

Do you know any knots at all?

I know how to tie my shoelaces.

Yep.

OK, great.

So, knots...

Important thing.

And look at that.

That's... Who put that there?

That's got knots on it. Guys!

Look, there's a thing with
knots on it in the woods.

I mean, what a coincidence!
We're doing knots.

I'm just... I'm just doing knots.

That's got some knots on a...

Wow. You couldn't make
it up, could you? Ha!

So, yeah, knots.

We all know how to do a basic hitch.

Apparently left over right,
up and over,

then turn it over and through the
hole at the back,

which is one of the few phrases
common to both knots

and the Kamasutra.

- Is it tight?
- Oh, my God.
- That is so tight.
- Is it?

Fatiha LAUGHS

I love you.

You're my favourite.

Yes. Thank you.

Do the knots harder.

Yes, David.

This is so confusing.

You've got to pass
it through something.

Oh, yeah."Loop around
the support with the end.

"Pass it from behind the rope."

You're starting to sound
like a sat nav.

Just have a little nap on Dave.

Do you need to practise the knots?

It's the sort of thing
- I can really wing.
- OK.

- You know?
- Shall we
have a little downtime?

Yeah. Let's just have a little nap.

- Like that?
- And then it's got
to be, like, a square. Oh!

Oh, well, that's the first
bit of a shoelace. Look, Darren.

We are going to boss
this. First time.

We've got square knot, and then
- that's all we need.
- Square knot.

And then we'll do a
really complicated shit knot.

And this comes...

- Oh!
- You're an engineer.

Don't give me that.
I know, I know.

This could be very
embarrassing for me.

So you can start
with that and then...

Then just like, keep going and
wrap more knots on top of it.

- Just get it all confusing.
- OK.

Oh, David. Did you, did he fart?

That might have been...

Yeah, it was... It was David.

- It was David. Yeah.
- Cor, blimey.

- Oh, gosh.
- Oh, it fucking stinks.

- It's a pungent one.
- Oh!

- God.
- He smells like one of mine.

Blimey.

I'm surprised that one
didn't get through cloth.

Fatiha LAUGHS

"What are you saying, bro?"

"Can I have a Diet Coke, please?"

Look at her go.

Oh, yeah! Look at that walk.

"We have Jessica Hynes here.

She's here to entertain...
It's Jessica.

"She's a pocket rocket.
She's Jessica Hynes."

"Look at the pins on her.
Come on, fellas."

Right. Everyone listening?

You've got a maximum of ten
minutes to tie up your partner.

The ten minutes starts... now.

- Boom. Let's go.
- Shall we go for your
belt loop first?

- Yeah.
- Let's get that out of the way.
Yeah, go through a belt loop.

Get as close to the post as you can
with your legs.

The pole is literally in my crack.

It is in my crack.

Maisie...

Oh, no. stop.

"Yeah! Pay me, Daddy."
Is that what they say?

Oh, really?

"Pay me, Daddy"?

You're really going to town on that?

- Ahh!
- I can't believe people
have sex like this.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

And then I'm going to tie
this into your shoelace.

This is really good, Darren.

Argh. It's so hard to get
this square knot right.

Which direction?

Could you tell me some jokes?

OK. Did you hear about the
constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

- Ten seconds.
- Oh, God.

Nine seconds.

BUZZING

This knot on this side is squashing
somewhere that... Eight seconds.

This bee needs to fuck off, I swear
- down.
- Wowzers! That's nice.

Five seconds.

I have porcelain skin.

They won't see it. They won't...

Time's up!

Oh, thank God.

Time's up.

OK, great. Lovely.

You appear to be tied up,
but with an umbrella.

- Very humane.
- Thank you.

There's a sadness to this.

We've deliberately designed
this to look easy

when, in fact, there's a few
hidden factors.

We have tied a rope to his shoelace.

Oh, look... And to his belt loop.

I can't help noticing
you've got a free hand.

You could untie all
the knots yourself.

Therefore, you are just
choosing to stand there.

Maisie, there might be a flaw
in our plan.

There might be a
flaw in our plan.

Let's have a look.

Is that tied?

That's there by consent?

That's very much the
issue Darren has as well.

That's not tied up,
that's standing there.

Oh, that's not a good sign.

Oh, we're not the only ones
that have neglected a hand.

No, you're not the only ones.
In fact, yeah.

You're not the only ones
who have spent ten minutes

not tying someone up.

OK.

Right, you've done the tying.

Now, for the untying, I would like
Phil to come here

and the other two move up one.

Yes, I've got Phil.

Good luck. Remember to cuss
them out, yeah? Be scary.

Love you.

- Maisie, you got this, bab!
- Got this.

Are you ready?

The person that takes
longest to be untied,

that team will win the badge.

Ready, steady...

Go!

Whoo!
MUFFLED GROANS

He's a bag of nerves.

That's because, Joe, you are
the only person, of the three,

who's properly tied up.

Look at him go, though.
Look at him go.

I love this.
Do you have a pet?

- I do have a pet.
- It's dead!

No, don't kill my pet.

Uh-oh!

MUFFLED WAILS AND SPEECH

- This is quite good.
- Are you in
the shade? Are you in the shade?

Make sure. There we go.
I've got you in the shade there.

One rope, baby.

- Argh!
- Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.

There! Done!

OK. Fatiha has been untied.

Got a lot of knots in here.

You're welcome.
This is like my back.

No!

HUMS MELODY

How did you get this many in here?

Phil's... Phil's not
very good at this.

OK. He's off. He's off.

I'm not... I'm not hurt.
He is. He is.

OK. All right.

Darren has been freed.

What was the point?

We might as well see this through.

- He's off the poll!
- Still got a loop.

It's also on my watch, is it not,
- there?
- But you are free.

Oh.

You have to say, Phil, you're
taking a while at this.

This comedian's foot is caught
in a snare.

As he tries to free himself,
the knives bite deeper.

OK, up you come. Up you come.

- Oh, well done, Phil!
- There we go.

Think Jess and Joe
- maybe won that one.
- Yes.

Really good job. Very good job.

It's hard to not
say that sarcastically.

PHIL LAUGHS

What do you think we're
going to be doing now?

I'll bet you £100
it's ice sculpturing.

All right, you're on.

Have you got £100 with you?

No, no.

Hello!

Oh, David's been hoarding.
Hoarder David.

In a post-apocalyptic world,

learning how to re-use and repurpose
items will be essential.

- - Oh.
- Will it?
- To earn
your upcycling badge,

you must create a legacy item
which will benefit the camp

from this rubbish pile.
ONE PERSON CLAPS

You will be judged on how
useful the item is for the camp.

So, yeah, upcycling, that's a...
It's a new word on me as well.

Yeah, I don't... I think it sort of
means recycling

but it's a bit of "up" to
give it some positivity,

but also the sense of insertion.

So what you have to do
is insert this new item

up the legacy rectum...

In a cyclic movement.

...like a suppository of
- - usefulness.
- Oh!
- I'm ready.

What I'm looking for is something
that is no longer rubbish.

So if you make something that
we then have to throw away,

then all you've done is
you've spread the rubbish

around the woods.

- So is that all clear?
- Crystal.

The time starts now.
Start rummaging.

What should I grab?
Whatever you fancy.

What about that
little scarecrow head?

This is all shit.

That's the whole point of the thing.

This is, as it were, alchemy.

Turn base shit into solid utility.

I love this.

I tell you, growing up
in the Black Country,

I've rummaged through
my fair amount of skips.

Of course, the belt from a spa robe.

Those will be from those
beauticians we killed.

Only one of them, actually.

All right, Phil!
I think we've got enough.

Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Shall we go?
- Let's go.

Bye, Joe.

You little prick.

You...

Thought they'd never leave.

I love this. It's like Art Attack,

but less dignified.

All right, so...

- Our idea.
- There's lots
of flies everywhere.

So I was thinking, if we make,
you know, like, the Australian hat

with the corkscrews?

- Ah.
- We can put bells...

I have a master's in engineering.

So can I just take a nap, then?

No... I don't really have...

Not really, cos I
wasn't great at it.

Behind every strong dummy man

is a strong dummy woman.

- Yeah.
- So let's make a Mrs Dummy
- David.
- Exactly.

What are we making again?

So, this is going to go in between.

What...? What are we making again?

I can't...
I genuinely don't know.

PHONE RINGS

It must be one of the other guys,

cos they're the only
ones still alive.

Wow, it's so hard
being in the wilderness.

That's a sleeping bag
in the shape of a body.

We could we could stuff this, hang
on, two... breasty cups, maybe.

What size cup do you think...?

I think we need two of those.

Two of these.

Oh, those two bells could be
good nipples.

Great boobs.
It's like an early Madonna.

Yeah.

Who wouldn't want a go on them?

I'm worried about this.

So you know what...?
It might hit me in the face,

and my face is everything.

Oh, this is working.
OK. Done. That's perfect.

That is the end part that's
going to go in the fire.

What are we do...?
What are we making?

We're making a fire blower.

- Oh, are we?
- Yeah.

So you blow on it and then
the oxygen slams...

Flams..Flans... Fans...

Fans the flames. On the fire.
Flams the flanes.

Look...

BELLS JINGLE

Already works.

We need that flattened
off a little bit.

I'm quite excited to see

whether this is actually
going to work or not.

Are my muscles bulging?

Which one?

What do you mean, "Which one?"

This... This can be to
make the head comfortable.

Do you see what I mean?

Do you want to try that? Go on, then.

Cos then if you have
enough of that... That's good.

- Oh!
- That works, yeah?

Oh, it's still too high.

OK, just... You just carry on.
You're doing great, Joe.

You're doing really great.

Really great.

Let's stuff this chick.

Do you think we've
given her too much leg?

- Keep pushing.
- OK.

Oh, God. I can see it. I can see it.

- Is it crowning?
- Yeah.

Go easy, like you're
cutting through butter.

♪ Butter, butter, butter. ♪

I hate butter!

♪ Butter, butter, butter. ♪

JOE SCREAMS ALONG

I'll tell you what,
just make a little cut.

Trust me, I used to do
this to my dresses all the time.

- - That's it.
- Oh!
- That's it.

That's it. That's it.

My mum would buy us dresses
that would drag on the floor

and I'd rip them up and then
dress like a tart to school.

Did you ever do that?

Dress like a tart? Yeah.

Just wanted the girls
to pay attention.

She's gorgeous.

She's so stunning.

Look at her rosy red cheeks!

She's the belle of the ball.

These are a really
lovely set of norks.

You've done this before.

I was quite a late bloomer, Darren,

so I'm quite used to gaffer-taping
tits onto what doesn't exist.

Yeah. Fair enough.

I thought... I think what we need is
somewhere to put the thing.

What do you think of this?

Um, I'm immediately thinking there
are some...

There are some quite serious
design issues.

Do you not like the hat?

Do you know, there's
a lot I like about it,

but there's more that
I don't like about it.

So, what are we going to call it?

Lucille.

Simple.

So you can use her
chalkboard to communicate

anything you wish
to change about the camp.

That you might be too...
Like an agony aunt!

Yeah. Like a... Like, almost like
a priest. Like a confessional.

Secrets.

Understanding.

Emotion.

Sue. You can tell her your secrets,

your thoughts, your desires.

Oh, that's STD.

What's that?

Picture the scene - insects,
mosquitoes bothering everyone

in the camp until someone
pops on the new...

That's going to be good.

"Fly Away."Oh.

Would you like to give it a go?
It's full of comforting...

Comfortable stuffing.

Yeah.

And with a chinstrap there to...

You see, the key thing
is the wearability.

That's. I don't know if it's...

I hope it doesn't look like this,

but that's a fashion
priority for me.

Look good and let it all hang out.

If you do that to the top, there's
a very pleasing internal rhythm.

Oh, it's... I'm in a
caravan and it's raining.

- Yes.
- I'm back to Brittany.

It's 1984.

Now my hair people are going to
take 20 minutes righting that.

- Yeah.
- OK.

- Hello?
- Hi, David.
Hello, David.

What do we have here?

Welcome to Lucille.

Can I draw your attention to the
smoking, smouldering fire

that looks like it's... Oh,
has that gone out?

Shit.

That's where... Lucille.
...this little lady comes in.

Oh, hold on.

There was no fire.

- No.
- Oh, wow!

That's really...
She's really got it going.

This could herald the
first major forest fire

of the south east of England and
lead to the evacuation of London.

Could I invite you to try?

Look at the flames come.

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Lucille,

the remote control for fires.

You know, the lazy arsonist's
friend.

Susie.

How's that feel?

That's a busty girl.

I think we've put her tits too low.

If mine were down there,
I'd be seeing a doctor.

"We've put her tits too low."

- - Hi, David.
- Hello!
- Hi, bud.

I'm excited to see what
seems like a third person.

Let me and Maisie introduce
to you...

BOTH:Susie!

Ain't she a belle?

Susie.....stands for...

...secretive, understanding,
sexy, intuitive... Empathetic.

...and empathetic.

And what does Susie do?

You can come up here, you
can maybe write on her board.

She's got a little
chalk pocket here, look.

Ah, so there's an anonymity.

Yeah. I really think Susie is going
to be used for things like...

"Anyone lost this sock?" And
you just put the sock on

maybe her nipple.

That's Twitter in 2008, isn't it?

You're being very, very naive

because people set out on the
Internet with this message system

where people can anonymously
tell each other things

and it turned to absolute bile

and so it shall be with
Susie's crotch-level blackboard.

Now, the boobies...
I was interested by that.

We knew you would!

Yeah, absolutely.
We know you're a tits guy. Yes.

And so... It's like you've put
little,

little brass bells as nipples.

Yeah. You might actually not even
want

to write your grievance on the
crotch-level blackboard any more...

Just have a fun time... once
you've had a dingle on her nipples.

- Want a hug?
- Perhaps
she'll press them against me.

- Go on.
- There we go.

- Lovely!
- They're quite...
That's...

That's quite sharp.

She's a sturdy girl.

Yeah, yeah... Go on.
Have a play.

Yeah, that's... She liked that.
Very nice.

I'm going to say... She's blushing.

- Look!
- That would take a bit
of getting used to but...

You'll get there, I'm sure.

Didn't say he hated it.

He didn't say he hated it.

Well done, Suse!

He loved your norks.

You look very nice with the brolly,
guys,

with your little parasol.

Oh, thank you.

It suits you.

It suits him.
He's hogging it all.

You passed it to me, said it was a
- gift.
- There's more tension again.

Stop rowing! I can't handle it.

Just constantly go from sexual
tension to...

Sorry to interrupt, Outsiders.

It's time for your next badge.

Oh, it's the horny wolf!

To earn your surveillance badge,

you must gather intelligence

by keeping a close and continuous
watch on an individual.

Please make your way
to the Jamboree area

and await the arrival
of the target.

- It's clear!
- There's a pair
- of binoculars.
- Oh, look!

Pay close attention to
everything you see in here

because you will be
tested on this later.

You take the binoculars,
I'll take notes.

Whoever makes the most correct
observations wins the badge.

Good luck.

Oh, can I have a pistachio?

Do you have some pistachios?
Oh, wow.

I can see several camera people.

A sound guy.

So most people who have binoculars,

it's for war, looking at birds
or perving.

Yeah, it's one of those three.

I've always wanted binoculars.

There's definitely an ant in my bra.

Lucky ant!

- Phil.
- I can see Phil.

And he's with Fatiha.

Phil and... Sat together.

Fatiha.

Fatiha is
repeatedly punching Phil.

"Punching Phil."

How many pistachios have you
eaten now, would you say?

Over 50.

OK.We need more pistachios.

Do you feel like a bit of a creep?

Yeah, but I've... Like...

I can hear David.

This is so exciting. I feel...

I do feel like a pervert, yeah.

He's coming. Shit.

Hey. He's wearing a trench coat.

"Trench coat."He looks
like he's nude underneath.

DAVID WHISTLES

He's whistling. He's whistling!

If we can hear that,
they can hear that.

Sh, there he is.

What is that?

JOE HUMS SAME MELODY

What's that tune?

I don't know. I can't remember
what it's called.

He's whistling Old Britannia.

"Morning, Mr Magpie.
How's your good wife?"

Time for my one o'clock
straightener, I think.

"One o'clock straightener."

Straightener normally means
"fight" in the old days.

He's got an umbrella as well.

And I think he's got
a raging hard on.

He just looked at me.

He's opened up the cabinet,

there's a banana...

And now he's taking a glass out and
he's pouring himself a glass.

It looks like piss.

Walking with his umbrella.

He sees... He's looking on the
floor.

Two, three, four, five, six...

- What's he saying?
- I don't know.

He's counted to ten.

This man's insane.

Mm, about my age.

Oh, he's counting the rings
on the fallen bit of tree.

This pencil's shit.

I'd love a pistachio right now.

He's taking his shoes off.
Oh, this is weird.

Oh, man. Don't you hate it when
people do that on a flight?

OK. His shoe is now
acting as a phone.

It's either a real phone
or he's losing his fucking mind.

Hello, Red Squirrel.

It will be Autumn soon.
"Red Squirrel."

You can't trust the weatherman.

- Autumn.
- My life is fucking weird.

"You can't trust the weatherman."

Yes."You can't trust the
weatherman."

Into his brown brogue show.

And he's put it back on.

He's walked over to Dummy David.

Thank you, Dummy David.

He said, "Thank you, Dummy David."

Due east from here.

And then he saluted
with his right hand

cos this man is a penis.

He's taking large steps east.

How many steps has he taken?

- Six or seven.
- Hang on.
He's opening his umbrella.

Oh, there's a picture
on his umbrella. I can't see...

There's a face.
What is it? What is it?

I can't make it out.

Cleared the leaves.
GASPS

There's a suitcase.
He's found a briefcase.

Picked up suitcase.

He's walking off now.

Super excited.

Has he got an enormous arse?

I'm writing it down.

His arse looks enormous.

It could be padded,
but it might be important.

What was that all about?

I think we did OK.

Is he having a breakdown?
It's hard to tell.

I think it's a win

that he was wearing a mac in the
woods

and he didn't get his knob out.

Yeah, that's what I mean...

Like, it's just screaming...
HONKS

Let's go. Thanks.

Could he be hiding
something in his arse?

It was big enough.

Like... the cupboard
under the stairs size.

It was big.

Oh, I think we got out of there.

I don't think he saw us.

- Oh!
- Oh, no.

- Oh.
- What's this?

Now those perverts have finished
watching my David time in the woods,

they must answer a
series of questions

based on what they've observed.

Completely mesmerised by his eyes.

It's like, wherever I go,
they're following me.

It's intense.

If I go there...

...he's still looking at me.

If I go there, he's still looking
- at me.
- Go behind it.

If I go there... Still looking at
you... still looking at me.

He is still looking at you.

He always watches us.

It was nice to watch him.
Turn the table.

So, yeah.

And he's not very interesting,
I'm sorry to report.

I hope I took enough notes.

You better have taken enough notes.

Otherwise, this is going to
- end very badly for you.
- Ooh!

So the first question is what colour
was the band on David's trilby?

It was red, blue and white.

Hat in French colours.

It was... It was white.
- Red, white and blue.
- Yeah.

What else?

Erm, a dick.

I'm not going to do a dick.

I'm not going to do a dick.
What colour were David's socks?

Argh!

I think red.

But I don't know why I think that.
I didn't look at his socks.

Shall we say... pink?

Brown. The shoes were brown.

Shall we put "cappuccino"?

I think that's getting too specific.

Yeah, but cappuccino's,
like, milky brown.

OK, put cappuccino.

How'd you spell it?

Oh. What was he whistling?

I can remember it now, it goes...

He was going.

HUMS MELODY

DARREN FINISHES IT OFF

Which is the beginning of... The
Beatles.

Shall I just say "Valkyrie"?

Valkyrie.
Just like a catch-all term.

PHIL WHISTLES

No, that's the American...

No, it's not.
♪ Land of hope and glory... ♪

You can't just sing American lines
to a French tune.

"How many paces?"
- Six.
- Six or seven.

I think it's seven.

Oh, I don't want to fall out at
this point.

What do you want to...?
Seven.

Seven.

"How many paces did David walk
before uncovering the briefcase?"

Why...? Did you count that?

- Yeah, I did.
- Really?

Yeah, bruv.

Wow. I'm so impressed.

- Six.
- Don't say, "Six."
- Six.
- You said, "Six."

- Six.
- Is it six?

Go for six.

- Go for six.
- Come on.

Six. Seven. Put seven.

And then I'll just put,
"Extra observations..."

"Looked like you had a massive
arse..."Arse."..on the way out."

"Padded?" Question mark.

Looks like you had a
- massive padded arse.
- OK.

I feel like there's more
we could do.

I know what I want to do.
Are you going to do a big willy

coming out the bottom of
his coat. Oh, don't...

Good, though, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you, my darling.

- Wow!
- Argh! Take it. Take it.

Argh!

That's not hot.
That's for you, Phil.

- Thank you.
- Want some in the mouth?

Argh!

- - Sorry.
- Joe!
- Sorry.

Oh, no.

Are you squirting on Phil?

Taking that off you now.

What are those?
Toasting marshmallows.

Anyone want to toast marshmallows?

Let's get involved.

I thought they were weapons.

Do you know what I feel like?

I feel like... You know,
like in an American movie...

Oh, yeah, yeah... where they all sit
by the fire,

and then they have hot chocolate
and cream,

and then they all die in
about an hour.

Guess who dies first!

And then it will be me.

And then we Phil,
cos I'm the slowest

so I'll die next.

- I'll die.
- I'm just...

I'm just the blackest.

Yeah. But I'm like the dead janitor.

THEY LAUGH

When you was up making the drinks,
we were talking about,

like, identity theft.

- Have you ever had that?
- I have.

Somebody intercepted a bank letter,

took on my personal information,

created a false passport,

went into a bank in Milton Keynes
pretending to be me,

and transferred a lot of
money to a bank account.

- Someone's doing well!
- From your
own bank account?

From my bank account.

They were, like... They were
part of a criminal cartel.

Had a detective come
round and interview me.

A really similar
thing happened to me.

What happened to you, Joe?

Someone got a hold of my bank
details and bought loads of...

About two or three sex dolls

with my details and
had them sent to my house...

...and I never got the money back.

I had to keep the sex dolls.

How many sex dolls?
Three expensive sex dolls.

Are they still there?
They're still in my house.

What am I going to do with them?
Did you have to use them?

I've had them for two or three
years? No... No?

I had them delivered to my house

and they said that
I'd signed for them.

You just said, "I had them
delivered to my house."

Oh.

Ahh.

Ah, well, I put in a false claim...

No, of course I didn't.

I'm sure it was someone else.

Maybe it was me.

We're approaching the end of day
four in the woods,

and the Outsiders have learnt that
tying yourself in knots

isn't as easy as it sounds...

- Huh?
- You're an engineer.

Don't give me that. "Huh?"

...that with plenty of hard work and
determination,

you can turn a lot of rubbish
into...

These are a really
lovely set of norks.

...a load of rubbish.

And then if you want to lower
yourself esteem,

just put on a trench coat and
have six comedians pass comment

on everything you do.

Has he got an enormous arse?

But now it's time to
see if these merciless insults

will get them a badge.

Time to beam yourselves up to
the mothership

using your legs.

- Welcome, Outsiders.
- Good
- to see you again.
- Davide!

We didn't recognise you not
in your trench coat.

It's the end of day four.

How are you all getting on?

It's dragging, isn't it?

We're having a lovely.
A lovely time?

We're having the best time.

Wow.

I'd say that positivity
- is quite grating.
- Yeah.

Seeing other people have
fun can be unbearable.

We've also been doing a
- lot of high fives.
- Yeah. I think...

- Yeah.
- We have a great time
but we can see it,

we can see it really taking effect
on everyone else.

I remember when high fives first
came in

and I was quite enthused by it at
the time, but then I was a child.

Right. Let's move on.

The knot badge.

Our expert in knots said of you,
Jess,

- "She knows her knots."Ooh.
- Wow!

During the knot preparation
phase, when everyone else

was desperately learning knots,

you two went for a snooze.

I think I felt like I probably
wouldn't be able to follow

the knot instructions, so I
was only ever going to freestyle.

But your freestyling was the
work of an expert knotter.

You were... A well-rested knotter.

I genuinely don't know
how that happened.

Were you, like, a knot
person in a previous life?

That's possibly an answer.

In a previous life, you were
a jailer in the Middle Ages,

and you had to...
Suddenly now you say that...

Didn't you get the smell
of sewage and false hope?

- - Yes.
- Yeah.
- That might have been me.

"The king's going to
release me this year."

- Yeah.
- Yes.

"Keep your hands still."

That's it.

We tried really hard.
We did, yeah. We did our best.

So why did you tie Darren up
apart from one hand?

There was a lot of slapping
my arse and sucking my finger,

so we had to keep one hand free.

- Wow.
- I didn't do the
slapping or the sucking.

If I was giving the badges,
you'd have the badge.

Thank you, Joe.

I think I think you can see exactly
the kind of

fucking mess that this show would be

if Joe was in this seat.

I think that... I mean, sums it up.

You would give the badge to the
person who,

when told to tie someone up,

leaves one hand free so that
they can suck their finger

and slap their arse.

I mean... What sort of...?
...when you put it like that.

What sort of a system is
that?

Fatiha, why did you choose
to be the one tied up?

I didn't. He said I had to.

- Oh!
- I think we know that's not true.

OK, because he knows I'll swear
at them and they won't touch me.

So that's why. That's what he said.
He said, "Threaten them."

- Yes.
- Well, I do remember
that one of your hands

was already quite poorly secured.

Well, that's because I wanted
to be gentle and not hurt her.

WHISPERS:Because I'm scared of her.

The competition was, which team
can tie up one of their number

so it takes the longest
for them to be untied?

Phil and Fatiha, you tied 12 knots

and Fatiha was untied in

one minute 40 seconds.

That's quite quick.

Despite threatening to kill Maisie's
family.

Maisie and Darren, you also
tied 12 knots and Darren was freed

in two minutes, 45 seconds.

Jess and Joe, you tied 15 knots.

Joe was untied in

three minutes, 45 seconds.

So Joe and Jess, they get the badge

despite not trying.

The best way to win!

Not really hurts, that one.

I feel embarrassed by that one.

It was too easy!

Right, the surveillance badge.

You got a lot of the observations, right.

A few you struggled with.

When I was counting the rings on the
tree,

you know how when you go, "One, two,
three, four, five, six," like that?

"Oh, about my age."

The implication was I continued...

Oh, so we should have said your age.
ALL:Oh!

Yes, you should have said my age.

I'm actually 47.

- Fuck off.
- Yeah.

You two are the same age?

Are you 47?

God, I've had an easy life.

THEY LAUGH

Wow. That's what I...

- Wow.
- Do you think I look
massively older than you?

Is that the implication?

Do you live outdoors?

I'm finding this very difficult.

I don't know if this is...

Is this a wind-up?

I'm 47.
No, you're not!

We can't be.

I'm feeling very grumpy about this.

I think I look 47.

Is everyone in on this?

How old is he?

Come on.

Look at him.

47!

We need to find out who's the
oldest.

What month? What month was you born?

I was born in July.
And you?1947.

"1947"?!

Oh, I've given away the truth.

19...

Yeah. No, it's really...

It is 1975, I'm 75.

- No.
- Oh, fair enough.

Let's move on with the badges.

1974, July.

And now Fatiha wants
us to tell her our PINs.

Joe and Jess, Darren and Maisie, you
put ten and Phil and Fatiha put 50.

Isn't it funny how ten
plus ten plus ten plus ten

plus five equals 45?

Isn't that funny?

Yes, but it's only two tens

and a 15, so that's 35.

But this is... This has
been quite...

Phil and Fatiha.

The good news, you were the only
people to correctly guess

the colour of my socks.

- Wow!
- What did you say?

Cappuccino sock. Yes.

Oh, my days.

"Cappuccino"?

So good. You filled in the things,
it was marked,

so here are the scores.

Maisie and Darren...

Oh, no.

- 13.
- Oh.

Joe and Jess,

11.

- Oh!
- Oh, hello.

And Phil and Fatiha...

14.

- Oh!
- Oh, yes, I did it.

That was the order.

I wanted to annoy you.

- There we go.
- That's so cruel!

You're sick.
That was sick.

Right now, the upcycling badge.

Firstly, Maisie and Darren's.

- Oh!
- Wow.

So this is Susie.

She doesn't do anything
that isn't apparent.

- Whoa!
- Basically, she's a sort
of sexy notice board.

I think the boobs are liable
to take an eye out.

I thought it was going to be like
a hugging stick

where if you needed a bit of...
"Hugging stick?"

But you couldn't hug that
because it would hurt.

David hugged her.
I tried to hug her

but it's absolutely...
Those nipples...

The nipples were too much?

But it felt good to have her giant
norks when you hug her.

Is it not nice?
Not hard norks.

You just want... You want soft.
It's a hard nork life, guys.

Come on.

And to play us out tonight,
from the musical Annie...

Well, let's move Susie to the sofa

and bring in Phil and
Fatiha's creation.

Here we go.

ALL:Wow!
Look at that.

It's to keep away insects and
critters from your head

when you're relaxing in camp.

- Oh, that's really cool.
- You sound
like a Morris dancer.

OK, so basically, it's a bucket.

THEY LAUGH

How dare you!

All I can say is it's marginally
more impressive

than if you'd brought in a hat on
and gone, "That's a bucket."

What I like about it is

if you suddenly notice something...

BELLS JINGLE
...it's Christmassy.

"He's coming! He's coming!

"I have been a good boy."

So, yeah, I quite like that.

Ah, there we go.

So this is Joe and
Jess' creation.

- Oh! Oh, what happened?
- What is that?

I've seen that face
before somewhere.

This is Lucille.

Maybe related to Susie.

She's a sort of remote
control bellows.

- "Bellows"?
- Couldn't have
said it better ourselves.

What do you think?

Oh!

We don't really understand...
What's the point in...

...the Lucille bit... in Lucille.

What...? What the Lucille figure is,

is decoration of the central rod

that is required for the
structure of the invention.

You seem to prefer Lucille
to Susie quite a lot already.

I prefer Lucille to Susie

because Lucille does something.

- Oh, simple.
- Hold on a second.

What about if you need to tell...?

She literally doesn't do anything.

The pipe does something.

Have you not just taken what already
existed, as a bellows device,

and made it unwieldy?

Absolutely not.
Where is this coming from, Phil?

I'm just... Where is this
coming from, big guy?

Can I just ask why
it's through her nose?

You can ask away.
You can ask all bloody night.

That's... More politicians
should use that.

We are always coming last

despite having really
creative, cool ideas.

We don't know what you
want from us, David!

It's not just that I prefer
Lucille to Susie.

I also prefer Lucille to Bug Off.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Ow!
- Wow, look at you now.

Oh, yeah. Give him another badge.
Give him another one.

OK. Yes.

Wow.

- There we are.
- Don't clap!

Right, so I'll just quickly
summarise tonight,

and I don't want to rub it in.

OK, so tonight's total,
Joe and Jess get two badges,

Phil and Fatiha gets one badge

an Maisie and Darren don't get
- any badges.
- No badges.

Overall, Phil and Fatiha
are on four badges,

Joe and Jess are on six badges,

and Maisie and Darren
are on three badges.

OK, guys, just a bit of fun.

And time for me to head off,
I think.

- Yeah, I think so.
- Night, all.
You coming, Susie?

Oh, now you'd like Susie.

Yeah. Now she's good.
Now she's your favourite.

Have you ever seen Peep Show?

Fashion! That's the first badge.

Whoa. You're going
straight in there.

Yes! Savage!

Recruiting new members
will be the key

to ensuring a
continued labour force.

We'll turn you into meat
and will eat your body parts.

To earn your ballistics badge,

choose and test a projectile weapon.

Javelin in! Stop the clock!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media