Original subtitles

War, pandemics, climate change.

Ever wondered what would happen if society ended

and we had to start again?

I bet you have!

I've used six comedians to find out.

Let loose in the wild to fend for themselves,

as far as insurance and their agents would allow.

What is my greatest fear of the great outdoors?

I would have to say stampedes.

Each day, they will be learning vital skills...

Ah!

What I lack in skill, I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

I'll javelin him!

Stop the clock!

I just think we'll have a lovely time,

as long as there is no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful of everything.

- Frightening. - Get in, you great jessie!

♪ Keep your smelly body bits fresh!

♪ Fresh, fresh, fresh... ♪

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation?

Don't worry about it.

Got that covered.

You trying to make a kissy face at me?

I've got 13 siblings so I grew up roughing it,

do you know what I'm saying?

Look at my cute little face, do I look like I lie?

Yes. THEY LAUGH

What kind of world will they build?

And in the afternoon?

Sometimes human sacrifice...

Will they thrive?

PHIL SCREAMS You see that?

Will they survive?

Maisie!

Will they die?

They won't die.

I mean, they'll die one-day.

This is Outsiders!

Can someone put a dome over my cheeseboard, please?

Is anyone else having a vege-TAR-ian sau-SA-ge?

You know what feels really outdoorsy?

Throwing a bit of drink on the ground.

- Oh, yeah! - That feels great.

You do it so well. It's so rustic.

So outdoorsy.

I think I'm really becoming one with nature.

What's your plan for today, Joe?

Basically, going hard, going fast.

OK.Is that your motto with the ladies as well?

Or is it just for camping?

Just for camping.

What's your motto for the ladies?

Oh, here they come!

THEY ALL LAUGH

SHRILL SONG PLAYS ON LOUDSPEAKER

Here he comes.

Are we going to hear this everyday? - Everyday, baby. - No!

It's awful the second day. This is not fair.

SONG CONTINUES PLAYING

♪ His name is David Mitchell

♪ He's stronger than your dad

♪ D-a-a-a-v-i-d! ♪

- Go on, Phil! - Thank you.

SONG FINISHES

LOUDSPEAKER: To God, money and Cristal.

ALL:Boom!

THEY ALL LAUGH OK, fair enough, it's pretty good.

Morning. Morning, everyone.

- Oh, hi! - Morning.

Before I talk you through today's badge, recap on the scores

which are... Joe and Jessica on three badges,

Phil and Fatiha and two badges, and Maisie and Darren on one badge.

So still, everything to play for.

Well, as much to play for as there ever was.

So effectively nothing to play for? Nothing to play for.

That's fine, that's all right.

What I want now is, "I've gotta get badge, badge, badge!"

Did you sleep well? Don't care.

To earn your holistic healing badge, you must devise three

relaxing spa treatments from materials available in the forest.

- Wow! - You will then treat a client.

A client?

Your treatments must relax the body, mind and soul.

At the end of their treatment, your clients

will complete a survey and the pair with the

highest score will win the badge.

- Thank you for your time. - Thank you.

- I will see you later. - I've only been to Spar the shop.

I genuinely think we've got this one.

- Do you? - I go to a lot of spas. - Do you? - Yes.

What is an idea for a treatment, what should we do?

Face and feet?

Face and feet, sound healing is a thing, right?

Soundscape.

OK, let's open a business together.

Mind, body and soul.

What about if we give a massage, but we play a musical instrument?

And orchestral massage?

And that's good, Darren. That's good!

We have to use just what's around in the forest.

What about if we use our bodies?

OK.My lips are so soft.

- Right. - So maybe I can just kiss their back?

Hmm, yeah, there might be an issue there...

And then their arse, just to make sure we get

this badge, because we need it.

We can't take chances, Phil.

Today, in a society where a lot of learning has

been lost, there's a huge market for a sense that

just doing any random thing might help.

So there is enormous scope for the Outsiders to

come up with things that are just mad but the person enduring it will,

sort of, go, "Yeah, why not?"

This is perfect, Joshua.

Jeshua, perfect.

Shall we call this - the forest floor experience? - Yes.

FATIHA:If we can get some stones, I can put them in between my

legs, under my armpits, heat them up...

- Yeah, the hot stone treatment? - Yes.

- Shall we do that? - Do you have hot armpits and thighs?

Hello! Can you not see the flames, are you mad?

Yeah, great.

JESSICA:The thing that we have to think about

is this about client focus.

What does that mean?

Like, we have to be nice to them.

- Why? - That's something to - think about, I think. - Yeah, OK.

- Did you find anything? - Yeah, I found one little stone

and then I just picked up a piece of shit.

OK, I don't think we can use that.

Oh, nice! Tailor cut, Darren!

I'm not going to lie, it is very cool.

What are we going to call our spa?

How about... Foli-AH-ge?

How about FOOL-iage because they are going to be the

fools for paying the prices we're going to charge!

FOOL-iage! What d'you think?

You don't look like an evil mad scientist now, at all.

Welcome to the spa.

WHISPERS:Welcome to the spa.

Yeah, not like that. Not like that.

SCARILY:Not, "Welcome to the spa."

- That's how I whisper. - Try again.

IN A RASPY VOICE:Welcome.

No, not that, that's...

WHISPERING:Welcome. IN A DEEP VOICE:Welcome.

Yeah, that's good. No, no, the lower one.

IN A DEEP VOICE:Welcome. Yeah, that's good.

- - Ready? - Yep. - This one is piping.

That's warm, you know?

These are astonishingly warm.

I can't... I don't know if I'm ready for this one.

PHIL GASPS IN PAIN

Wow! What's going on down there?

I told you.

MAISIE:Please, come on in. Thank you!

- Hi, what is your name? - I'm Lucy. Hi, Lucy.

- I'm Jeshua. - And I am Joshua.

We would like to offer you today a very, very special treatment.

We want you to know what it feels like to be

almost buried... but not. Intriguing.

- This is Fatiha. - Nice to meet you. I'm Phil.

- What is your name? - I'm Danielle.

Have you had a spa before?

Yes, well, I'm a beauty therapist.

I've actually got 15 years of experience in the beauty industry.

Shit!

Wonderful, Danielle. DANIELLE LAUGHS

BANJO MUSIC PLAYS

Ooh!

Do you want a bit on the head?

No, nothing on the head please.

So I am going to start from near your knee.

I will accompany you with some relaxing singing.

Yes, please!

PHIL HUMS TUNELESSLY

The little feet of a little deer.

Maybe that's a rabbit.

Maybe that's a mouse!

- That is really good! - Maybe that's an owl.

Maybe that's a man.

PHIL CONTINUES HUMMING

What about some opera, - do you like opera? - Yeah.

Go on, do some opera.

♪ Besame, besame mucho

♪ We are scraping your leg with a piece of wood

♪ And some mud. ♪

Oh, hey, David!

I'm just an observer.

We are currently working with a client.

You won't know I'm here.

So what we like to do here at our spa is treat your

body as an orchestra.

A beautiful orchestra, and it's important that we wax our instruments first.

- Of course. - Darren, take it away.

♪ Dah! Da-da, da-da!

♪ Da-da, da-a-ah!

♪ Oh, baby girl Da-da-da-dah!

♪ Da-da-da da-da-dah! Oh, baby girl

♪ Da-dah da-a-a-ah! ♪

I'm going to let you get on with it.

DARREN STARTS SCATTING

Nice bit of brass perhaps?

MAISIE IMITATES A HORN

I mean, it felt a bit like a sort of licence to grope.

But, something changes when you go into a treatment room

and you, sort of, accept that your body becomes somebody else's property on some level.

As long as they give it back to you, feeling, sort of, tingly.

JESSICA MAKES OWL NOISES

- - Hello, David. - Hello. - Terrible timing actually.

Oh, is it? All right, let me... You carry on.

JESSICA CAWS LIKE A BIRD

What are you doing?

A smellscape.

This is reflexology and throat singing.

JESSICA STARTS THROAT SINGING

Oh, that's...

Is that diarrhoea?

It's not diarrhoea.

Have you told Amanda what we're gonna do?

Amanda, you're getting something that isn't shit.

No, no, don't pour it. Place it.

I'm not touching it!

Don't pour it, don't pour it.

Just pour some of it.

- Oh! - This is a mud mask, Amanda.

Very gentle.

They've just sort of gone a bit of smell at the front,

some grass on top of you, weird noises and a rub

and then some gloop.

That's Route One parody, if you ask me.

And I hope Amanda, as well as enduring that,

doesn't feel that her profession is being in any way criticised.

But, obviously it is.

Hello. I don't mean to disturb.

Danielle, this is the last section of your treatment.

We are applying body heated stones to you.

Please look away.

So that's the first one, it's a little bit cool,

it just gives you an idea of what is to come.

This is a little bit hotter, can you feel the heat?

Yeah, I do actually. That is really warm.

An the last one, this one is really hot,

so if it burns you please let me know.

- Don't look. - God! OK.

Ow! It's actually really hot.

I don't know where you were keeping it.

It is surprisingly warm. Wait, how did you heat it?

It's a closely guarded secret.

Is this helpful for you, Danielle?

It is actually quite relaxing, in certain times.

- I'll see you later. - Thank you for coming to FOOL-iage.

I like the notion of the body-warmed stones.

I think in this arena of the holistic, that is

exactly the sort of bullshit that people will believe.

MAISIE:We'll see you soon, Lucy.

Thank you, lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you, too.

- I think we smashed it. - I think we smashed that.

- Bye. - Bye!

PHIL BLOWS AIR Day... loved...

JOE:How did you think it went?

JESSICA:Well, I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it, I enjoyed you enjoying it.

FATIHA:I think we are going to get good reviews for this.

What do you think?

I'm still thinking about that hot rock that came out of your...

...underpart. SHE LAUGHS

MUSIC: Chorus from Messiah by Handel

- Oh, my God! Is that Jesus? - The state of that.

He's going to set one of us on fire.

- It's like The Wicker Man. - I feel like he's going to kill us.

Is this something to do with the scarecrow?

This is the commandments badge.

Oh, it is Jesus.

I'm not Jesus. Do I look more like Moses with or without the hat?

- ALL:With. - I thought so.

- That's a fedora. - It's a Moses hat!

I don't think Moses played saxophone.

It's... Am I playing saxophone?

You look like you should be.

If civilisation is to rise from the Apocalypse, some rules of law

must be established.

To earn the commandments badge, you must come up

with some new laws for society to live by.

We need three more commandments.

Three new commandments?

Three new commandments for the society you want to build.

Now, all we have is woodland and facetiousness.

That's all you need.

Go now in peace.

- Thank you. - This is a lovely task. Thanks, Moses.

Bye, Moses.

I think the sun has got to David.

Three new commandments.

We've always made fun of the commandments, I mean,

- how easy they were. - Have we?

- Oh, yeah. - I mean, you speak for yourself.

- And you. - I don't make fun of the commandments.

You can't prove that.

Wow!

PHIL:You know what my father taught me?

Turned out to be the greatest advice he ever gave me.

Always pocket a napkin.

- What? - If you're in a situation and there's napkins,

always put a napkin in your pocket, you will always need it.

I think your dad is a very clever and sweet man

but I think that advice is bollocks.

It's the only advice he ever gave me. Is that bad or good?

Umm...

You need to be able to poo

somewhere where you're not going to be eating.

Yeah! You do not shit where you eat.

But is it like 30 big sidesteps?

That's one, two, three.

But then wouldn't everybody know that we were going to take a poo?

- If you suddenly see me go. - I think it's OK.

I'm just going to go meet a mate.

I think it's actually very polite.

OK.Because it is indicating, I am taking the relevant steps to make

sure it's not gonna get near your tuna sandwich.

Rule one - Destination Defecation.

I've got one.

The only slapping you're allowed is pretend slapping.

Thou shalt only do pretend fighting.

Thou shalt only pretend fight.

Thou shalt only do pretend fighting or thou shalt only pretend fight?

Yeah, only pretend fight.

I don't think that... OK.No, no, just wow.

There was one thing that I was thinking,

keep your smelly body bits fresh.

- That's the phrasing you want? - Yeah.

I feel like it has to be very specific because people are stupid.

Maybe the next one should be something more society-wide,

something that applies to the new human community.

What about...

What annoys you out there, what annoys you usually in life?

- People. - OK, that's a bit broad.

It's true.

Rule two.

OK, people always take the mick out of our accents.

Yeah, excuse me, why do you talk funny?

- All right. - Shall we ban that?

- What sort of punishment? - If you impersonate somebody else...

You should be probably, not...

Maybe just beheaded or something.

- Do the accent, you get the axe. - Oh!

- Come on, Maisie! - Do the accent, get the axe.

Oh, my gosh! Shall we eat them as well?

Yeah! Good food supplies.

Yeah, if we chop the heads off it would be a waste to leave everything else.

Thou shalt not misspell their/they're.

OK, let's do that.

And what about the other there?

- - Oh, as in the place? - Yes. - As in, - like, there. - Yeah.

- Does that happen as well? - Yeah!

God, this world is uglier than I realised.

Thou shalt tolerate bullshit.

- Tolerate bullshit? - Yes.

Should it be, not tolerate?

No, I think we should tolerate nonsense.

- But I think we shouldn't. - I think we should.

- Are you agreed? - Yeah.

We've got a commandment, shall we go pitch this to David?

- Come on, then. - The prophet David.

Let's bounce.

Boom! It's a town I want to be part of.

Have you ever met Moses before?

Off the top of my head, I don't know, I can't remember.

I've heard he's quite a reasonable prophet.

One of the good guys.

God, he's whiter than I thought he would be.

He is very white, isn't he?

Hello, what have you got?

Thou shalt nap regularly.

OK.

Thou shalt only do play fighting.

OK.

Thou shalt tolerate nonsense.

- Not respect it? - No, tolerate it.

Tolerate nonsense, only play fight, nap regularly.

Thank you very much indeed. Thank you, Moses.

Excellent suggestions.

- Bye! - Thou shalt enjoy the sunshine.

- Thank you, Moses. - What a nice chap.

He is surprisingly nice, isn't he? I thought he'd be a wanker.

- - Hello, David. - Hello. - Hi, mate.

What's the first one?

OK, the first one is what we call...

Destination defecation.

That's not a commandment, that's just two nouns.

- Yeah. - So what did you mean?

We think it's very important that nobody is

pooing near where you eat. You don't shit where you eat.

Thou shalt not shit - where you eat? - Yeah.

That would have fitted.

We wanted alliteration though.

When you need to go for a poo, we suggest you

take 30 large sidesteps away from the nearest

person who is eating.

So, if you see someone, sort of, crabbing off then you know...

They're off to pinch a log.

Rule number two, do the accent, get the axe.

OK, what does that mean?

Now, me and Maisie, we're sick of people

taking the mick out of our accents. Sick of it!

EXAGGERATED BIRMINGHAM ACCENT:All right, mate. How am you? Dudley!

EXAGGERATED YORKSHIRE ACCENT:Eh up, Maise, how's it going?

So if someone comes up to you going, and this isn't me doing it,

this is in the context of this - demonstration. - Yeah.

IMITATING DAVID:"Oh, I'm David Mitchell, you should have used full

"sentences when writing your tablet."

Right? You at that point would go, "You're getting the axe."

- Yep. - We chop them up and suddenly it's barbecue time in camp.

- Woo! - Oh, right. So the impression - heralds the meal? - Yeah.

Rule number three.

Rule number three is only shag on a full moon.

Three days, get it all out of your system.

The tanks are full before then, you empty those tanks.

Do you know that boxers aren't allowed to shag until after their fight?

- Not during? - No, not during.

That is a very strict rule, actually.

Got to keep it all pent up, it's so that that makes you this strong, aggressive...

Exactly, don't waste time with sex unless it's a full moon,

- then it's like The Purge. - Yeah.

It's good, it's sexy, - it's organised. - Yeah!

- Thank you very much. - No problem.

- See you later. - All right, see you later.

We should have put more "thous" in.

I didn't think we needed thous.

I didn't realise he wanted full - sentences. - Neither did I.

- Hello. - Hello, David.

Do come forward.

What have you got for me?

First one we have, "Get a check-up from the neck up."

That's what, ear, nose and throat?

- No, mental health. - That would be a good dentist's slogan.

Get a check-up from the neck up. That would be.

The second commandment is,

"Thou shalt not misspell their/they're/there.

So easy to do, isn't it?

It is but it's very important that we don't.

I mean, even frighteningly literate people, such as me.

I have just noticed, I'm not sure, how many S's are there in misspell?

Because that would be embarrassing.

- Goodness me! - That's just a little bit embarrassing, I guess.

If in a commandment about spelling, I've misspelt a word.

- And you have misspelt misspell. - OK.

Next up...

So, this is our final one.

Keep your smelly body bits fresh.

Oh, I like that.

♪ Keep your smelly body bits fresh... ♪

Yes.

♪ Keep your smelly body bits fresh!

♪ Keep your smelly body bits

♪ Keep your smelly body bits

♪ Keep your smelly body bits fresh

♪ Fresh, fresh, fresh! ♪

Thank you very much.

I'll say what I think at another time in order to create false jeopardy.

OK, OK.In no particular order.

OK.It's my new way of saying - goodbye. - Oh, in no particular order.

Because I think, in general, the phrase, "in no particular order",

should make people switch off from something

rather than wait on tenterhooks,

like creatures of the television, we announce in no particular order.

Off! Fuck off if you can't tell me now!

Well, in no particular order, to - you. - In no particular order.

In no particular order, to you. In no particular order.

- Thank you! - Thank you, see you later.

In no particular order.

In no particular order.

I think that went well.

Can't believe I misspelt misspell.

- Hello. - Hello!

- Hi, mate. - Welcome to the drowning yourselves in a ditch badge!

- - Oh, great. - Good. - I can do that.

This is the wasteland.

In the post apocalyptic world, the ability to evade others will be a key skill.

To earn your evasion badge you must escape a pursuing team.

Oh, for... You will have ten minutes to conceal yourselves.

Once the ten minutes are up, an opposing team armed with scent dogs...

Wow!..will be dispatched to find you.

- This is great. - That's excessive!

The pair that manages to evade capture for the longest time

wins the badge. You will all be wearing boiler suits.

which will be infused with strong scents.

Each team will have a smell, these smells are pate... Yes!

...blue cheese and mackerel.

Oh, for God's sake!

You may not remove the boiler suits but you can conceal the scent.

What kind of dogs are they?

They're dogs that are good at smelling and finding things.

- That's all dogs. - Can I ask you another question? Who's going first?

Ah! Yes, that was the other thing I had to say.

You are. You and Maisie are going first.

And you will be hunted by Phil and Fatiha.

- How lovely. - Is everything clear?

ALL:Yeah.

Well, great!

Hello.

MAISIE:Hello. Can you smell us from there?

I can't smell it because obviously - I've got Covid. - Fair enough.

What is it you're reeking of? Blue cheese.

Are you ready to go?

Oh, my God, this is terrifying. Your time starts...

...now!

Right, water, water! Get rid of the scent!

That's the first thing.

Get in, you great jessie!

If we run in a figure of eight, the dog won't be able to...

- ...keep up! - Keep at a steady pace or we're going to knacker ourselves out.

OK!

Oh, my God. It's like cross-country.

- OK.I'm gonna be sick. - Is this what it's like taking heroin?

If so I'm going to start taking heroin, this is great.

Hello, you've met your dogs.

- Yes. - What are they called?

- This is Lenny. - And this is Hunter. - Hunter, very appropriate. - Good boy.

Well, the dogs have both been given the scent of blue cheese.

Hopefully, that doesn't mean that they will eat Maisie and Darren.

We need to start considering hiding places.

Hide, lie down low in there.

That's probably our best bet, isn't - it? - Yes, I think so, stay hidden.

There's a lot of nettles.

This is so painful!

- It's great! - This is perfect.

DAVID FAILS TO BLOW THE HORN

- That doesn't work. - Hunter, wait.

You're not going to like this, Hunter.

Oh, no. Don't do that. I'm not...

AIR HORN SOUNDS

Oh, my God. WHISPERING:Make yourself small.

So we're looking for a Brummie accent and a northern accent.

I don't know if you can hear those past your ear flaps,

but it would really help.

What if they don't find them?

It's not just my problem, this is a third of the whole programme.

It could just be footage of people standing around with dogs.

Lenny, Lenny. Lenny is just eating soil now.

These dogs got noses?

Ooh! I nearly fell over. Find him, Hunter.

You've got two minutes left, guys.

No! We've already been there.

Don't go that way, don't go that way.

It's just a digital channel.

I can smell it.

- Can you smell it? - I can smell it myself, yeah.

- Really? - Ah! I think there's someone there, look.

- Where? - In that bush, can you see?

WHISPERS:Oh, my God. They're going to find us in the last minute.

- Where, here? - Yeah.

- But let me just go round. - You've got 30 seconds.

Just hold on, I'm going round. There you go, well done, guys.

- I love your sense of urgency. - Sorry.

AIR HORN SOUNDS Time's up!

MAISIE:Ha-ha! Losers!

Where are you?

Can you smell that? Is it blue cheese or victory?

- Victory! - It's victory!

Congratulations to you. You've done the maximum that the time allows.

We finally found a challenge we're really good at.

I must say, you were not close.

No, not even close to close.

- I can't believe we won. - We did it.

When that horn blew, I don't think I've ever felt euphoria like it.

How does your boiler suit fit?

Oh, perfectly. I feel like I'm wearing a ballgown.

And so the hunter becomes the hunted!

It's riding a little high, that boiler suit, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, real snug in the jewels.

I've currently only got one, either side.

And the all-important third?

- That's side-saddle. - OK.

Right, you have ten minutes to completely conceal yourself.

Starting... now!

OK, so, David when I come back,

I'll read your gas meter, all right?

THEY LAUGH

Don't worry about going any faster, the...

This is so high up on my balls I literally cannot run.

- - Oh! - OK, sit on your bum. - I think it's physically not possible, you - know? - OK, then don't do it.

I've got you, I've got you, I've got you.

Just get it off, let's just get the stink off,

let's just rub the stink off.

Come this way, roll about this way.

Join me, Fatiha. I will not be joining you.

- Ow! - It's all right, it's all right.

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

- You're OK now? - We're intact.

You've met Lenny and Hunter, they've already had a busy day.

I think Hunter's quite tired. - Hunter! Hunter! - He must've walked

a few hundred yards, so that's a - long way. - Yeah.

There's something over here, look. This looks good.

Do you think we can both fit in - there? - Sit on it and spin into it.

Can you spin my legs around?

- Well, go on! - Oh, OK. FATIHA LAUGHS

- Am I spinning you around? - Yeah. - Yeah? - You have to lift.

FATIHA SHOUTS

OK?Yeah. I mean, bend my leg. Bend my leg.

OK. I'm... What? Do you want to get - in? - Room for a small one?

- Yeah, come on, then. - Oh, this is... I forgot about this.

Sit on your bum and then - swivel round. - Ooh.

I got you. I got you. PHIL WHIMPERS

How you doin', good lookin'?

FATIHA LAUGHS

- OK, this is good. - OK.This is good. You get down. I'm shorter than you.

Ooh!

Has this been your plan the whole - time? - Yeah. Yeah.

Turn the cameras off! THEY LAUGH

Ready, steady... HORN BLOWS

- ...off you go. - Come on, then. Come on, then.

- Come on, darling. - Come on, then. Come on, Hunter.

I mean, it is a time-limited thing. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - Come on, Hunter.

- Shall we? Come on! - Yeah. - Come on, Hunter. - Smell stuff.

FATIHA GROANS This is disgusting.

Remember, Phil and Fatiha are - strategists. - Yes.

Whatever Phil and Fatiha will have done will be clever.

FATIHA LAUGHS

LAUGHING CONTINUES

- Ooh, OK!Oh, here we go. - Here we go. Here we go.

Now Hunter's come alive.

WHISPERING:Where now?

Where now?

OK, he's confused now but he's coming this way.

OK, where next?

Do you wanna pick up... Pick up the pace?

That... That works for me.

I mean... that looks like it could be a hiding place.

Anything?

Oh... Oh! Wahey!

- How did you find us? - Stop the clock.

Was it Fatiha's ass?

Well done. Well hidden, well found.

I bet you've got to know each other in there.

He fucking farted in there.

I mean, often an old tyre can smell a bit farty.

That was an improvised plan...

...which Fatiha was not completely on board with.

That was a Phil-only plan.

He didn't tell me until I got a bloody mouthful of it.

This is where you will be hunted by the dogs you've already met.

- Is it the same dogs? - It is the same - - dogs. - Confidence is high. - Yeah.

They do get tired very quickly after a couple of little runs.

What are your tactics? Tactics? How do you mean?

Well, for evading discovery. Oh! We're just gonna stand here

and we assume they'll walk past us. THEY LAUGH

JOE LAUGHS

Perfect. OK, right?

Ready, steady, go!

Oh, God.

Oh!

We can get through over here, Joe.

Let's go round the tyres a few times.

And then shall we just run all the way to the end and then run back - again? - Yeah, yeah.

God, I'm knackered.

Then back round the... The pond?

Yep.

Yeah, let's go in there.

Behind that tree.

Look, it's a little patch of... Little patch of grass. Perfect.

OK, three, two, one... HORN BLOWS

Come on! Eat them alive if you want.

Come on, Lenny. Let's go in here. Let's go in here.

It's like Crufts, isn't it?

OK, shall I go left and you go - right, Darren? - Yep!

- OK.Come on, boy. - Come on, let's go!

A tall male, Caucasian, beard, looks like he'd nick your phone.

- Come on, boy. - I don't think there's any way

Joe and Jessica have gone that far.

- Are you smelling anything? - No.

Come on, Lenny. Find the pate, boy. Find the pate.

Come here, boy.

- Come on, Len. - Yeah, Maisie, try the front by the... by the lake.

- By the lake? - I think so.

Fuck. Come down.

Smell, smell, smell, smell. Smell, smell, smell.

I really don't think they're in there. Oh, my God.

JESSICA:Fuck, they're close.

DAVID: 30 seconds left!

Look with your eyes, not just your nose.

DAVID: Time's up! HORN BLOWS

Hey, guys! Oh, well done.

I would say the dogs were as effective on that hunt

as they were... They're not actors dressed as dogs, are they?

Probably. Oh, do you recognise them now?

You followed our instructions! - I'm furious. - We were close.

- Well done, Lenny. - We were close.

- - Lenny, Lenny. - Well done. - Come here. I want a word.

When I was young, our two dogs - snapped a snake in half. - Wow.

One dog grabbed the head end and the other dog grabbed the tail end.

Oh, I love this... Oh, my God.

And they started pulling, pulling, pulling, and I had to cover my eyes

and I just heard a "pop". No! No, no, no.

What about you, Joe? Have you ever - had any pets? - I had a dog for a

little bit but that didn't last very - - long. - Why not? - It died.

Two snakes grabbed it. THEY LAUGH

We're nearing the end of day three,

and the Outsiders have discovered that writing commandments

is harder than Moses made it look...

How many 'S's are there in "misspell"?

Fuck off if you can't tell me NOW.

...feedback from their beauty treatments got ugly...

You're getting something that isn't - shit. - Oh!

...and some sniffer dogs turned their noses up at them.

Look with your eyes, not just your nose.

But now it's time to see who has got a badge.

Hello, Outsiders!

It's badge o'clock!

In fact, we're running a bit late...

...so, it's five past badge.

Here come the Outsiders, still reeking of fish pate and cheese.

- Yummy! - I'm gonna do the evasion badge first.

Maisie and Darren... Yeah?..you were tracked by Phil and Fatiha.

What were your tactics? Run, run, and run.

I think I spent 15 minutes lying with, like, your arse in my face.

Some would call that lucky. With the aroma of blue cheese...

It was quite the sensory overload.

Did you chased them, Phil and Fatiha?

Chase is a strong word for what we did, I think.

Most of our technique was to be dragged by two dogs.

So then, you were the next to be hunted, Phil and Fatiha? That's right.

Talk us through your approach. He just couldn't lean over,

he couldn't walk, he couldn't do - nothing. - Oh, that's right,

my mobility was hampered by the seam of the boilersuit that was placed

perfectly between each testicle. THEY LAUGH

So, any time I tried to lean over, it would just

ride up like cheesewire.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

You were hunted by Jess and Joe.

We were just lucky that these two just hid in two massive tyres.

Covered with a carpet. Why would you hide in tyres

and not just keep going? For Phil, every step was agony.

THEY LAUGH That's a good point.

When I pulled the carpet back, it was almost like opening an oven.

A wave of hot mackerel and injured testicle.

THEY LAUGH What a mix.

You obviously, then, had quite a long time to plan your own hiding?

It was less exciting when you knew the dogs had no chance of finding you.

Yeah, it did take the edge off it. Took the edge off it.

- The dogs were holding us back. - Yeah. We would've loved to have scoured

that whole area but we had to keep dragging

an entire hound around with us.

Has anyone checked that bloodhounds have ever been any good?

I'd never suggest a bloodhound for - anything. - I think they look useless.

For me, they don't look like they're precise instruments for

discerning scent, they look more like they're

evolved to eat large quantities of soup.

You could imagine a big tureen and absolutely...

HE MAKES CHOMPING NOISES

And it just... The level going down. Oh, yeah.

That's amazing. The amount of soup that's going into that muzzle.

Well, the quickest to be found and therefore in last place were

- Phil and Fatiha. - Do we get a gold badge for best hiding place?

Er, no. No, because it wasn't the best hiding place.

That's why I'm asking. OK, no. OK, fine.

Then, we have a rare tie

because both Maisie and Darren and Joe and Jess

managed to stay hidden for the maximum ten minutes.

That means congratulations to both of you, you both get a badge.

- Ooh. - Wow.

APPLAUSE - That's all right. - Go on, guys. We're on the board.

- We're on the board. - On the board!

- Fucking Hunter. - There it is.

Next one...

...holistic treatment.

Joe and Jess, it was Amanda, wasn't it?

I found her to be quite a frosty - lady. - She was lovely.

- She was... Well. - It's interesting cos her response is -

she enjoyed the treatment that involved

guessing the footsteps of a rodent.

THEY LAUGH

She said the sounds that you shouted at her

were "a bit loud and stressful".

Um, she added, "I felt like I'd had honeysuckle shoved up my nose."

- She left quite abruptly. - Yeah.

Phil and Fatiha, what were your treatments?

- We found some stones. - Yes? And then...

You threw them at her. THEY LAUGH

You know when they heat up the - stones? Pebbles? - Hot stone therapy.

- - Yeah, yes. - Yeah. - Your client, Danielle, she described the experience overall as,

"Not as bad as I thought."Hey! - That's all right. - Yeah.

The hot stones, they were "surprisingly hot".

She was, and we all were, surprised by just how hot

Fatiha was able to get the stones. THEY LAUGH

I put them in my natural orifices.

- One here, one here. - Yeah?

I mean, those aren't orifices... They're crevices.

I mean, if they are on you then you should get that seen to.

- One under my chin. - Yeah? And one in here.

Oh, my goodness! Guess which one was the warmest?

Well they don't call me flaming fanny...

THEY LAUGH

Her feedback was, "I didn't want to think what they had done

"to make them that hot." THEY LAUGH

Well, I hope, Danielle, for your sake, that you're not watching.

THEY LAUGH

Maisie and Darren. Overall she said,

"I've had worse experiences in life."

We don't know what she's been through, of course, so... THEY LAUGH

But, anyway, she said, "The best bit was the singing.

"They massaged me in time to the beat."

But she didn't think it was a service that you could charge for.

We saw her body... Hold on, hear us out... as an orchestra.

So, we covered her in mud and then

basically attempted to play her body.

Well, that certainly seems like a good bit.

You know? Overall, this is a difficult one.

I'm gonna give the badge

- - to Phil and Fatiha. - Oh. - Thank you.

APPLAUSE Yes, bro.

There we go. Now...

...commandments.

Those are Phil and Fatiha's commandments.

"Get a check-up from the neck up."

"Keep your smelly body bits fresh."

No-one would argue with that. Especially if you've...

- ...got a hot fanny. - Yeah. Yes.

"Thou shalt not mispell their/they're/there."

There is a misspelling there... Yeah. ...which Phil pointed out himself.

Bit embarrassing. I misspelt misspell.

Now, I like spelling as much as the next man,

but I think it's going to be less relevant in a post-apocalyptic age.

So, really, for me, the only thing going on there is quite a banal

exaltation to cleanliness. THEY LAUGH

Let's move on to Joe and Jess' commandments.

"Thou shalt nap regularly."

I love the thought of napping, but it does feel like a commandment

come up with by a team of people who are over 40.

- Well, we are. - Well, it is.

"Thou shalt only do play fighting." - Yeah. - I mean, that's sort of nice.

- Yeah, like, sort of, that. - Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

- - Urgh. Urgh, urgh. - Urgh, urgh. - Yeah, that's a good one, that kind of...

Yeah, yeah, and it's great fun. - - It's great fun. - Yeah. - Yeah.

And the last one, "Thou shalt tolerate nonsense."

We'd run out of time at that point. Yeah.

No, I felt that was very important. It was really last-minute.

- No, no. I disagree. I disagree. - No, it was. It was definitely in the - last 30 seconds. - No, I...So, you...

For you, it was core to the message, Jess, and for you, Joe... One hunna.

...it was just... One hunna. - Yeah. - Yeah.

Maisie and Darren took a slightly different tack.

We went with alliteration again.

I think, first, you would have to agree if we're gonna use these

commandments, that they'd have to be - commandment-ed up a bit. - Yeah.

Yeah, OK.They've got to match the - house style. - OK.

"Destination defecation," it sounds - like a sort of theme park. - Yeah.

Turd World or... JOE LAUGHS

You had the idea that in a society without lavatories... Yep.

...that what people who needed a poo would need to do in order to

keep away from food areas... 30 large sidesteps.

30 sidesteps and then you're free to - shit. - Then you can defecate.

"Do the accent, get the axe." - Yeah. - Yeah.

- This is a strong commandment. - Yeah. You're saying the disrespect of

mockery should be punishable by - - death? - Yeah. - We don't have time

- for it anymore. - No. - We'll just rather kill you. - Yep.

And also, you threw in people who are killed because they've done an

impression of you, can then be eaten by the community.

- That's lovely. - Because then you are... Ultimately, it's not for nothing.

You can have a nice barbecue because someone did an impression of you.

And then shit them out...40 steps - away. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.30.

- It's just 30. - We might be cannibals - but we're not savages. - Yeah, yeah.

And, finally, "Only shag on a full moon."

It's no sex until a full moon and then it's, sort of, purge time.

It also means you can focus on your life as well.

You know? Once you've got that fog, that horny fog, you're just letting out those... Tell me about it.

- The horny fog. - Oh, my God, it's - everywhere. - You know,

- as the horny wolf. - Can't concentrate - under the thing. - You know!

To me, now, that seems workable.

There may be flaws in it that are gonna occur to me in the morning.

- Yeah. - But at the moment I just think,

"Yeah, that's what we should do."

- Only shag on a full moon. - Yeah. Yeah.

So, for those reasons...

...I think the commandment badge goes...

- ...to Maisie and Darren. - Oh, great. - We did it! - Absolutely agree.

Darren, what's happening? What a time!

That's how good our commandments were.

- - There we go. - Well done. - Lovely.

- Thanks, guys. - Great work. Great work.

So, tonight, overall, Joe and Jess

are still in the lead with four badges,

followed by Phil and Fatiha, and Maisie and Darren,

neck-and-neck on three badges each.

Goodness me, how exciting! Now, I have to head off.

One, two...

THEY LAUGH ...three, four...

Remember... Five, six...30 minimum.

...seven, eight.

This is so confusing.

To win this badge, you will need to tie up your partner.

What you sayin', bro?

Learning how to repurpose items will be essential.

Oh, those two bells could be good nipples.

Who wouldn't want a go on them?

Oh, this is weird. He's pouring himself a glass -

what looks like piss.

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