All language subtitles for d.m.o.s02e02.720p.web.h264-skyfire

War, pandemics, climate change -

ever wonder what would happen
if society ended

and we had to start again?

I bet you have.
I've used six comedians to find out,

let loose in the wild
to fend for themselves,

as far as insurance
and their agents would allow.

What is my greatest fear
in the great outdoors?

I have to say stampedes.

Each day they'll be learning
vital skills...

SHE MAKES A MONKEY NOISE

What I lack in skill
I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

Maisie!

I just think we'll have a lovely
time, as long as there's no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful
of everything.

Right... Get in, you great jessie.

Keep your smelly body bits
fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh.

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation? Don't worry about it.
Got that covered.

How you doing, good-looking?
Turn the cameras off!

I've got 13 siblings
so I grew up with nothing,
do you know what I'm saying?

Look at my cute little face.
Do I look like I lie?

Yes.
LAUGHTER

What kind of world will they build?

Rule number three is
only shag on a full moon.

Will they thrive?

I've lost
a little bit of enthusiasm.

Will they survive?

Maisie!

Will they die?

They won't die.
I mean, they'll die one day.

This is Outsiders!

Can you cook a chateaubriand
on a camp fire?

Mmm! Yummy!

You know how people say don't
talk to me until I've had my coffee?

I'm honestly such an arsehole
before I've had something to eat.

- - Joe?
- Yes?
- Your breakfast is here.

It's like six sausages,
seven rashers of bacon.

- Oh, that'll be me.
- Yeah.

Well, that's the maddest thing
that's ever turned up.

There's nothing more wonderful
than free food.

It's so great, isn't it?

I think I'd eat raw chicken
if it was given to me free.

- Morning, all.
- Oh, morning.

- S'up?
- S'up?

S'up to you, too.
I like the er... Yeah... paint.

It's a new... It's a new day.
It's a new us.

The Maisie and Darren of yesterday
- aren't here.
- They're dead.

These are the bad boys now.

Well, yesterday was a big day.

The situation is
that Joe and Jess have two badges,

Phil and Fatiha have one badge

and Maisie and Darren have yet
to score.

The first badge is
the Education Badge.

Ooh! I like the sound of this.

He's got a masters.
Just give us the badge now.

In a post-apocalyptic society,
preserving knowledge is key.

To earn your Education Badge you will
need to create new subjects

for a future curriculum.

You will be judged
on both your communication skills

and academic rigour.

At last! Some academic rigour.

- Yes?
- I don't understand that one.

- - Society is finished.
- Sure.
- OK?

But you think -
I mean, maybe you don't think

and this can come through
in your work -

but you think
that education should still happen.

But all the old rules
of what you teach people,

they're not relevant any more,

so what is relevant... Oh!
...to your new society?

What do you need to teach people?

Go off and think
in your thinking areas

and I'll come and see
what you've come up with later.

Make sure you're walking
like a bad boy.

I don't want anybody to think
we're... Bad boys walk slow,
bad boys walk slow. Yeah.

Is this...?OK, we can walk normal
- now.
- OK, good.

OK, so, what can we do?
What can we teach?

- - Whittling.
- Whittling.
- We can
- whittle.
- I'm going to put that.

- Whittling.
- What can I do?
Juggling, you said.

Just give me a little taste
- of your juggling prowess.
- OK.

I'm better with rocks.
Ah, yeah. Everyone is.

OK, yeah - juggling, definitely.
Yeah.

That's definitely on the list -
juggling.

Part of the reason why human beings
are successful community-wise is

that we gossip a lot.
I think that's a great one.

That was also the best part
- of school, I thought.
- Yes.

You need to learn how to gossip
in secret, innit?

You know, someone might go,
"You know that Phil?
He's got STD."

And then you walk in and they go...

- Oh, that's what that means.
- Yeah.

I'd been wondering
what people had been getting at.

What are we thinking?
Maybe like combat.

Squatbite so you... Squatbiting.

Squatbiting.
So with two people down...

You look like you're about to take
a shit.

Yeah.

Yeah! Erm...

Really?! That's good gossip.

Do you know what my favourite is?
- What?
- Blind drawing.

So I'm going to look at you...
Mm-hm.

...and then I'm going to close
my eyes and draw a picture of you.
OK, this is fantastic.

I don't even mind
this is irrelevant from the task.

- I'm having a nice time.
- OK.

Have you got...? Wow! OK, wow.

SHE GASPS
Oh, that's good!

OK, there's no bad ideas.

Goldfish remembrance.
Goldfish remembrance.

Have you ever eaten a goldfish?
- Have I ever eaten a goldfish?
- Yeah.

That makes me think
you've eaten a goldfish.

I've never eaten a goldfish.
I know a guy who did at school.

Was it alive?
I think it was alive, yeah.

He swallowed it whole.

Yeah, he had...
He had problems at home.

So it's between teamwork
- - or murdering?
- Yeah. Killing.
- Yeah.

It's the opposite of teamwork.
- It's the opposite of teamwork.
- Mm.

I don't think you need
to be trained.

Did I betray my lack of skill?

No, no, you showed exactly
what the hell you're doing.

That just instincts.
- It was unnerving.
- OK.

- Ahem. Hi!
- Hello.

Now, so, are these your subjects?

Phil and Fatiha's
- history of the world.
- Yeah.

- Gossiping slash street smarts.
- Mm-hm.

Hygiene.
Some improvised forest hygiene.

Right, so...
So what to wipe yourself with.

Yeah, so you can also use mint
for toothpaste.

- Do you see what I mean?
- So you could
- spot mint in the wild?
- I can.

- And other bits of thing?
- Yeah.

Without it being labelled
in a packet in the supermarket?

Why didn't you put spotting plants?
No, no but... That's much better
than any of these.

You've turned it
into spotting plants.

You could spot plants.
That's an actual skill.

This knowledge will be lost.
- There's no internet.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, you've not pitched it, so
it's a bit of a shame for the future

and the programme, but you know...

Erm, what's
your history of the world?

No-one knows what the history
of the world before this new one is,

so we might as well make up our own.

I'm going with that.
I want you to prepare me

a five-minute lesson
on your new history of the world

for a world without knowledge.

So you've got 15 minutes
- and meet me in the jamboree area.
- OK.

- OK, now.
- See you later.

I think they missed a trick.
She can tell which plants you can eat
and what tastes of what

without, you know, sticking them
in her mouth.

That is a real skill
that I'd be interested to learn.

- - Hello?
- Hey, David.
- Right, so what are
your lesson ideas, please?

From a very young age,
you learn how to do squatbite.

This is an official squatbite mat.
- Yeah.
- You squat around, biting.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Where do you try and bite someone?
- Anywhere!
- Oh-ho!
- Anywhere.
- That's the fun part.

- - Squatbite.
- Squatbite.
- Next one?

Well, Goldfish Day.

Yes.

It'll start with a moment, a minute,
of remembering a goldfish... Right.

- Yeah.
- I don't need to do that
for the minute. You get the gist.

I'm going to go with squatbite.
Squatbiting.

I would like to prepare
a five-minute lesson on squatbiting.

- Easy.
- OK.And you've got 15 minutes
to do that

and then meet me, please,
in the jamboree area.

Great.

We have a saying in television -

don't pitch an idea that you think is
shit yourself

because you can bet
that'll be the one they go for

and you then have to try and make.

We'll see and I apologise
for the consequent television.

Ahem. Hello?

- - Enter.
- Ah, David.
- Thank you.

So the three subjects you're pitching
are eyes-closed drawing... Yeah.

...whittling and murder.

Murder is a wild card, though.

Would you like to have a go
at blind drawing?
- Come over here. Come on.
- Yeah?

So Joe's going to hold
a knife and a stick.

He's not going to come at me, is he?

And I shout charge, ignore that.

You must keep your eyes closed
throughout the whole process.

Hat...

Oh, yes.

This is really...

- Oh, there's the knife.
- Wow!

It probably looks like a penis,
the way I've done it,

but then that probably says something
about me.

Some penises do...
Was he wearing trousers?

Erm... Don't give me a clue.

I think you weren't,
so I'm going to go cock and balls.

I mean, this is so liberating!

Wow! That is... Shall I have a look?
- Yes!
- Yeah, let's all have a look.

What I love is
that the cock and balls and the stick
have sort of merged... Yeah.

He looks like he's wanking.

I mean, I didn't mean...
There are no wrong answers.

- Right.
- There's no wrong here.

I would like you to prepare for me,
please, a five-minute lesson

- on whittling.
- Oh, for...

You've got 15 minutes to prepare it

and then meet me
- in the jamboree area.
- OK.

I'll see you later.

Eyes-closed drawing, though.
I found it quite liberating

and I think I understood for a moment

why... why doing graffiti on things
might be cathartic,

so I might pop down
Belsize Park tube station

and ruin a couple of carriages
later today.

So we have our three invaluable
lessons for the post-apocalypse.

All we need now is a classroom
full of eager, attentive minds,

or in other words, some children
from a local stage school.

HE LAUGHS
Oh, no! Hi, there, kids.

- FATIHA AND PHIL:No way!
- Oh, boy.

They really look like children,
don't they?

Hi. God, she's like something
out of the Handmaid's Tale.

PIGEON COOS

PIGEON COOS

Good afternoon, children.
How are you all?

Please take your feet off the desk.

Oh, goodness!

Could you please take your...?
Thank you very much.

Now, you're going to be
genuinely working as teachers

confronting a class full of children.

This couldn't be more authentic

if we underpaid you
and then gave you 13 weeks holiday.

At the end of your lesson
I will chat to the children
like an Ofsted inspector... Yeah.

...find out what lesson they found
most inspiring, most useful

and then I will award the badge

according to the pair
with the best teaching ability

and the lesson with the most merit.

And I'd like you to go first, please,
Darren and Maisie,

and if the rest of you would go
into those observer chairs.

- I'm Darren.
- And I'm Maisie.

And we're here to teach you...
Squatbiting!

"What's squatbiting?"
I hear you ask.

OK. It's a sport but it's also
how you can defend yourselves

against other people, OK?

You squat down like this
and you must be under three foot.

That's what the stick's there for,
- to check the height.
- OK?

And you must keep your hands behind
your back at all times,

maintaining your balance.

And then you have to try
and bite the opponent.

It's very important because
it builds strength, character

and it's good for your teeth.

Look at Darren's teeth, right?
That is a squatbiter's teeth, OK?

I think they're making this
quite frightening.

- Any questions?
- Oh, yes, please?

Out of the two of you,
who's the best at squatbiting?

Oh! We'll let you decide that.

Do you want to...?Let's have a go.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Ahem.

Can you just check that we are under
the height regulations, please?

- Thanks so much.
- There we go. Try not
- to hit me with it, though.
- Yeah.

- - Great.
- Are we under?
- Yeah.

OK, when you're ready...

- Go!
- Squatbite!

Oh!

I think that answers your question.

He fell off the mat.
I didn't even have to bite.

When it comes to it,
they're unwilling to bite
in front of children,

which...

At least they have some decency.

- Yes, sir?
- Miss Adam... Yeah?
...why do you speak so funny?

Why do I speak so funny?
PHIL:OK!

JOE:Fair point.

I'm hoping
that in this post-apocalyptic world

my language skills will develop.

The, er, viewers from Yorkshire are
going to be writing in about that.

I think that's the end
of double Squatbiting... Thank you.
...for today.

Thank you very much, er...
And thank you, guys... Darren
- and Maisie.
- Thank you very much.

And if you'd like to come
to the back

and the next lesson is
from Mrs Hynes and Mr Wilkinson.

- Follow that.
- Boo, boo. You guys boo.

- - Boo!
- Boo!
- Stop booing, stop booing
straight away, please.

- Thank you very much.
- Oh, she's very strict, isn't she?

She's very strict.
We weren't like that.

- - What's your name?
- Mia.
- Mia? Imogen.

- - Jermaine.
- Maynard.
- Maynard.

- Harmony.
- Harmony and...?
- Nicholas.
- Nicholas, right.

Did you get that, Mr Wilkinson?

- Yeah.
- Got it.

Erm, what do you guys know
about Toby jugs?

Great.

It's a form
of Staffordshire pottery.

Erm... First... I've lost them.

No, they're absolutely gripped,
- right?
- The first...

The first Toby jug was thrown
in about 1760.

Genuinely, this is what I call
a lesson.

Could you pass this
round the classroom, please?

The, er... The figurine is
usually holding a cup.

- Have a look at it.
- A cup...

If you're not interested just go.

OK, over to you, Jessica.

LAUGHTER

I'm done with this. I can't really
work with this... They're savages.

Mr Wilkinson is having quite a lot
- - of personal issues.
- Monsters.
- Erm...

Would you like to draw a Toby jug...
No... for us on the chalk board?

Come on - how could you resist this?

I don't really want to but I'll do
it because we said we would.

HE SIGHS

GIRL:Come on!

Come on!

More like supportive encouragement.

Do you know what? If you were 25
years older, I would knock you out.

So that is essentially
what a Toby jug looks like.

Have I explained enough
what a Toby jug is?

A mug with a face.

- - Wonderful!
- Yes!
- Yes!

Well done, thank you.

Jermaine's falling asleep.
It's really hard.

I honestly don't know
how teachers do it.

Sorry, yes, Maynard?
Can't we just do squatbites?

- Oh, come on, dude!
- Yeah!

Come on! Thanks, Maynard.
I'm out, I'm out.

Let's leave them.
- All right, Mr Wilkinson.
- Come on.

I think that's... That's the end
of that very interesting lesson

on whittling and Toby jugs.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you, children.

And now Mr Wang and Ms El-Ghorri
will be conducting
the next lesson, please.

JOE:I'm quietly confident about
- that.
- Yeah, I think we smashed it.

Hi. Hi, kids. How's it going?

I'm Phil, this is Fatiha

and we are going to be teaching you

the history of the world.

The world used to be
a bountiful, beautiful place

full of cities and cathedrals

but we were disrespectful
of the Earth.

Literally, we, we, we...
We spat on it.

We wee'd on it.

Until eventually the world said...
JOE:That's disgusting.

...enough.

The only food left were in
the great supermarkets.

Now, children, you probably don't
remember what supermarkets are.

- Fatiha?
- Yeah?
What were the great supermarkets?

Hold on. Let me write this.

Oh, have you got a question?
I think it's spelled S-U-P-E-R.

Yeah, that's how they used
to spell it.

JOE LAUGHS

- Yes?
- Miss El-Ghorri,
are you telling the truth?

Look at my cute little face.
Do I look like I lie?

Yes.

Maynard, what would you like
to ask?

I have a question
regarding the Toby jugs.

- Yes, yes, please, yes!
- Go on. Go on.

What teaching qualifications
do you have?

Just a passion, just... None at all.

Sorry to interrupt. The back row is
going to get a throttling

if you chat again.

You can't physically touch us, Miss.

Listen, when these are out of here
I will touch you all,

apart from you, children.

- Yes?
- Er, Mr Wang, is wang rude?

Wang is rude in some cultures.

In my homeland, Wang was
a very proud and beautiful name.

In the land once known as the UK,
it meant a man's ding-dong.

And the people of my clan found
this very, er, upsetting.

- Yes?
- What are other names
for ding-dongs?

Other names for ding-dong
included wazzajack.

OK? Er, slip-spike.

Er, long pimple.

And the Great One Beneath.

This is what they should be doing
in schools

because this is what you need
for life.

There's so many words for ding-dong.

Sorry, I was just... I was just
writing down all the different names.

Erm, er, thank you very much.

That's the end of the third lesson
of the day

and the teachers can return
to their common room.

- Oh, oh, right.
- Thank you. High fives.

Goodbye, kids.
See you at squatbiting.

Thank you all for that.
You were excellent students.

But what I really need from you is
a sense of who were the best teachers

and also, crucially, who were
the worst?

Who did you think was rubbish?

- I think that went well.
- I think
it did. I think we smashed it.

- They loved us.
- They loved us.

We brought the energy,
we brought the fun.

Who enjoyed the squatbiting lesson?

- You seem less sure?
- Erm, I just
thought that it was very violent.

- I like violence.
- You like it?

So the violence for you was
a positive?

- Yes.
- More violence, please.

You're not sure. Why's that?

When changing, they encouraged us
to boo the other teachers.

Yeah, that's definitely
a mark against them.

Now, in terms of
the whittling lecture,

does anyone remember anything
from that lecture?

Oh, everyone. Lots of things. Yes?

That jugs apparently have faces.
Jugs have faces. You remembered that.

I still don't know
if we were learning
about Toby jugs or whittling.

It was like you'd opened a gateway
into a magical kingdom.

I, erm... I loved the look
on their faces.

They were engaged... They lit up
- with joy.
- They lit up.

- Yes?
- I think if Mr Wilkinson
just forgot about his life problems
for a second whilst teaching,

he would be better.
We'll make a note of that -

if Mr Wilkinson forgot about
his life problems for a second.

Who thinks Mr Wilkinson should be
allowed to be a teacher?

So is that none of you?

OK. None thinks he should be allowed.

And the history lesson -
who enjoyed that?

What about Ms El-Ghorri? Yes?

Erm, she's bad at spelling.

You can tell they were posh kids

because if those were like
Hackney kids

they'd be like,, they'd love that.

They be like, "Oh, my God -
a supermarket that talks like us."

- Do you know what I mean?
- Is that
them calling you a supermarket?

Finally -
a supermarket that talks like us.

Does anyone remember any information
from that? Yes?

Erm, Mr Wang was
pretty inappropriate

about, erm, wang.

Joe tried to get me to say penis
in front of a room of children.

This is Joe's tactic
for winning the show.

He's going to get
the rest of us arrested.

I'm not going to lie, Darren.
If we've lost this I'm rioting.

PIGEON COOS

PIGEON COOS

- - Hello!
- Hi, David.
- David!

Afternoon.

OK, ready for your next badge?

I'm going to start reading what
would once have been a laminate.

Historically, monarchs and great
leaders were introduced by fanfare.

To earn your Music Badge... Oh, God.

...you must compose
a short, showy piece of music

to herald my arrival in camp
each morning.

You will have two wandering minstrels
to help you

with your writing and performance.

It must be at least ten seconds long
and have lyrics.

The winning performance will be
played every day

for the rest of the week.

DARREN:Amazing.

That's fantastic.
But we don't guarantee...

We will play it every day.
We won't necessarily televise that...

Ah!..depending on the standard.
- Or enjoy it.
- Yeah.

- We've got musicians.
- I'm not sure
we'll need them, will we?

Well, you don't have to use them
but erm...

They can fetch and carry for us.
Exactly.

You could get them to do
other things.

Get them maybe to compile
your tax return for the year.

- Done. It's done. It's done.
- Great.

- - Is it?
- Yeah.
- It's done already?
I'm always ahead with it.

So it's like April 5th, that's...
- You start?
- Mm.

I find that... That's perverse.
That's the weirdest thing
I've heard about you.

So who are these wandering men?
Let's go over here.

The musicians are on their way.

We've assembled
a team of virtuoso musicians,

all experts in their field

and now, indeed, experts
in our field in Hertfordshire.

JOE:Oh, look at these idiots.

They look like Renaissance
re-enactment actors.

JOE:I'm not engaging
with any of them.

The Outsiders have 30 minutes

to come up
with something extraordinary.

Can someone fetch
my beaver-skin earmuffs?

Oh, look a clearing.
OK, I think I see an instrument.

This is
an Appalachian Mountain dulcimer.

Of course it is!
Of course! Yeah!

An Appalachian dulcet mountainer?

OK, so, we've got a saw.

What do you play, then?
It's on the bench.

Oh, you play the tambourine.

Er, no. Not today.

- You play the carrot?
- Correct.

And there's a water bottle.
My instrument is not a water bottle.

I am an opera singer.
HE GASPS

SHE SINGS POWERFULLY

HE TUNES PIPES

That's beautiful.

SHE PLAYS JAUNTY, WHISTLING TUNE

- - Wow!
- Wow!
- You can play a carrot.
That's amazing.

I thought you were full of shit
but...

- That was amazing.
- So we have
- a carrot and a... A saw.
- A saw.

So we've landed on our feet here.
I would say so.

I'm super excited.
OK, show us your snake.

So this is a...

Yeah, not the first time
out in the woods.

Erm... This is a... Yes, mate!
Hooray! There it is.

So, yeah, this is a serpent.

I mean, I'm thrilled.

Opera and bagpipes have always gone
so well together.

I think we've got this
in the bagpipes.

I think we've got this.

DIDGERIDOO PLAYS

Yeah, look, sorry - could you give it
a rest for a bit?

Thanks.

So, music - it's a massive thing
in civilization.

It gets developed early on.

You may think you struggle
with your Bluetooth speakers

but up to the 19th century,

people were willing to castrate
pre-pubescent boys

in order to maintain that sound
that they wanted -

the boy treble voice.

Now, that is a sacrifice people were
making,

particularly, obviously, the boys.

And, you know,
perhaps some people were into it

more for the mutilation of children

but for some it was
definitely the music,

so don't count yourself a big muso
just because you insist on vinyl.

Wait until you're taking a knife
to the testicles of a child

and then you can say
you're committed.

Thank you. Erm, do you take requests?
Yeah.

Do you know the theme
from Ski Sunday?

- I'll try.
- Thanks.

HE PLAYS

♪ Da-da-der, da-da-der, da-da-der

♪ Da-da-der, da-da-der
Da-da-der

♪ Da-doo, da-doo, da-doo, da-doo
Da-doo, da-doo, da-doo, da-doo

♪ Da-doo, da-doo, da-doo-da... ♪

It takes me back.

So it's his fanfare. We want him
to feel powerful and strong

and dangerous.

Does it go music then lyrics
or lyrics then music?

We can think rhythmically
about how it's going to be

or we can think lyrically,
how that's going to determine
the rhythm.

Let's go.
CARROT TOOTLES

This is haunting. This is haunting.

SAW WAILS

Right, sorry.
We'll need to write that down.

That's all right.
It's in my head, don't worry.

Yo, David, you are our mister.

Phil Wang, fuck your sister.

I'm not sure that's going to make
the most of Jennifer's soprano

but...

All right, Outsiders,
you have two minutes

to finish your fanfares

and I will meet you down in the camp

and endure them aurally - A-U-R.

Do you want to hear how that sounds
in the key that we're playing in?
- Yes.
- Sure.

Does that mean that we have to sing
in that key?

SHE SINGS SWEETLY
♪ O, King David

♪ Something, something, pause. ♪

Well, can I just say something?
I think we're done here.

- We'll pick out the best bits.
- OK.

- Hello, David.
- Hello.
I hope you're ready.

- - Hello, everyone.
- Hello.
- Hello, David.

Erm, have you had a nice time?
DARREN:It's been the best.

Where was this challenge yesterday
when we were doing jingles
for every challenge?

Well, what did you want me to say?
We've finally got a musical one.

"Stop doing jingles..." I mean,
I tried to discourage you.

- We all tried.
- Now we have an excuse
to do one.

It's not a jingle. This is a fanfare.

Shall we go first?
Shall we go first? We'll go first.

You go first. You're in the middle.
Go first.

Come on, then.
I'm going to go first.

I clap on my own a lot.

Good luck, guys!
And the fanfare is called?

Erm, The Bad Man Mitchell.

Oh, lovely.

PIPES PLAY
One, two, three, four.

- Very enjoyable.
- That was great, Phil.
That was amazing, guys.

And a real sense of sort of danger
in nature, there,

which I try and project, personally.

So who wants to follow
The Bad Man Mitchell?

OK.Oh, balls.

I'm going to be honest, this is...
I wouldn't bother writing ours down.

For a start, I'm really enjoying
the sense of nervousness

and, like, you know -

you've turned up at the Great British
Bake Off with a packet of Mr Kipling.

So what is the title, please?

The title is Here He Comes.

Do begin, please.

Oh, I don't want to.

SAW AND CARROT PLAY GLISSANDOS

MARCHING TUNE

CARROT RHAPSODISES

Oh, F off!

WHOOPING
Very good!

I felt sick to my core.

It's just for you, Darren and Maisie,
now. Off you go.

Er, now, please tell me
the name of the fanfare.

The song's called
Our Favourite David.

OK. Off you go
with Our Favourite David.

Two, three, and...

UPBEAT INTRO

WHISTLE TOOTS

WHOOPING

- - Well done!
- Well done.
- Great work.

- Lovely!
- Oh, I feel alive.

Oh, that was great.
Well done, lads. Thank you.

They were really all about me,
weren't they?

I wasn't necessarily expecting that.

Well, thank you very much.
That was... That was really great.

And thank you for excellent... Yeah!

...period slash post-apocalyptic
musicality.

I'll obviously give my verdict later

but frankly I'd put them all
- on my iPod.
- Aw!

Anyway, thank you very much indeed
and I'll see you later in the tent.

PIGEON COOS

PIGEON COOS

Did you ever just feel like taking
a bite out of that carrot?

It crossed my mind.

Imagine how fuming she'd be.

She was a nice lady
but you could tell she could turn.

I bet you played an instrument
at school, didn't you?

I reckon like a big French horn
or something.

That's the image I give off
of me at school?

JOE:French horn, yeah.

- Tripping over
your own French horn.
- "Hi, everyone!"

"Don't go!"

"Guys, wait up!"

My school life was
a bit interesting.

Although I was born here I didn't
starting speaking English properly
until I was about six.

A couple of years before me.

And then it was tough because there
was the language barrier there,

so the kids would want to, like,
hit me and stuff like that.

- Hit you?
- Yeah. Because, you know,
you look different and stuff.

So one time this kid took
my wellies.

We were doing something
with our feet.

You know when you put your feet
in the paint and then put it
- on the paper?
- Oh, yeah.

And they took my wellies
and they filled them with tadpoles,

so I got the wellies, emptied them,

then I got the boy
and I took him to that pond

and I tried to drown him.

You know what? That's beautiful.

And he had a mullet and I could just
see it waving in the water.

Just so we know the time period when
the story happened, he had a mullet.

Your stories always remind me
to be nice to you.

To be honest, that's the ending
we all expected.

Yeah!

Our teams have spent
another day in the wilderness

and by that I mean geographically,
not in terms of their careers.

It's time for them to have
their work marked.

I can't really work with this.
They're savages.

Mr Wang was pretty inappropriate
about, erm, wang.

And learned that with the help
of highly qualified musicians...

Oh, look at these idiots.

...even comedians can make
musical magic

out of just about anything.

WHOOPING

But did they do enough
to win a badge?

Time to come and face the music!

OK, make yourselves comfortable,
Outsiders.

It's time to listen to the prick.

Joe and Jess, you were the leaders
after day one, as we can see.

How do you feel day two has gone?
Has it gone as well?

- Yes.
- Well, that's...
That's very exciting.

I...Jess, would you go along
with that prediction?

I'm not sure Mr Wilkinson,
you know, erm...

I think he definitely made an impact
on the children.

Erm... Are you talking about
corporal punishment?

Bring it back, I say.

Well, let's move on to that badge,
the Teaching Badge.

I thought the children were
absolutely fantastic.
I couldn't stand them.

They were great
but, Joe, what were you saying?

I just didn't like them.
You didn't like them.

Well, there were mixed reactions
to you, too, Joe.

No, sorry - not... Not mixed.

None of them thought
you should be a teacher.

Jermaine, one of the pupils, said,

"If Mr Wilkinson forgot about
his life problems for a second,

"then he'd be a better teacher."

- Oh!
- You drew a Toby jug
and he analysed you correctly.

Yeah, he's a... He's a gifted child.

- He is.
- Jessica.

Er, Nicholas thought
you could be a teacher

but only if you bucked your ideas up.

Oh!

OK, did any of the others -
Maynard, Zara...?

There was not much
of a positive response.

Overall feedback was the lesson was,
quote, "just boring."

This has fucked me right off.

Well... It was a stupid task.

They did know that a Toby jug is,
quote, "a jug with a face."

LAUGHTER

Er, Phil and Fatiha.

Your lesson on the history of...
- The world.
- The world, yeah.

And how did you feel it went?

I thought it went all right until
one boy asked me about my penis.

I felt I'd lost... I'd lost the
thread of the lesson by that point.

And I felt
like he knew what wang meant

and was trying to sort of goad me
into talking about my genitalia

to a classroom of children
who were dressed like pilgrims
for some reason.

Jermaine, again, said that
he thought Mr Wang was inappropriate.

He didn't use
the word inappropriate.

He did use the word inappropriate.
He asked the question!

Yes, well, he thought
it was inappropriate

when you started talking about wangs.

And, Fatiha, you were accused
of being bad at spelling.

What would you say
in response to that?

I'd say they need
to watch themselves.

- What, are you threatening kids?
- Yes!

I do feel that Fatiha was
the only person who made
a real attempt

at disciplining the children.

- Huh!
- Discipline is going to be
a very important thing
in the post-apocalypse.

I told them to take their feet
off the desk.

I was quite insistent on that.
That's true.

I don't know if they listened
to Jess much

because their take-away was
that a Toby jug was something
that was invented in 1760,

which is something
that Mr Wilkinson told them.

I did see their little eyes light up
when I told them that.

What, a whole world
of porcelain history
opened up in front of them?

I saw one kid go, "Say, what?"

Yeah, yeah.

They also were unclear
what subject you were teaching them.

They described the subject
as supermarkets.

Well, we had by that point
inherited...

We'd inherited quite an unruly class
by that point.

And I feel like a momentum had built
- against us.
- All right.

Maisie and Darren.

One pupil described squatbiting
as very violent
and pretty inappropriate.

- Was that Jermaine?
- It was Jermaine.
- It was Jermaine.
- I thought it was.

I think inappropriate is
a big word on his mood board.

Zara said, "I love their energy.

"I would like more like that
and less like the Toby jugs."

- Yes!
- Great! I like that.

Er, Joe and Jess,
do you regret not going with
your original choice of subject,

- which was murder?
- Yes.

Yeah. I'd started to do
a bit of whittling.

I just wanted to show you
what I had whittled today.

I like the fact that you're hiding it
under that shawl.

Well, we're embarrassed by it.

Aren't we?

We don't like it.

Erm, well, erm... But anyway,
thank you all for your efforts.

I did ask the pupils
for their favourite teachers.

Phil, you got one vote.

One?!

Fatiha, you also got one vote.

Maisie, you got two votes.

I'll take two.

Darren...

- Five.
- Oh! Darren, well done!

And, Joe and Jess, I regret to say
you got no votes.

Oh!

I mean, you definitely got
the best response from the pupils.

I think the badge has to go
- to Darren and Maisie.
- Yes!

- We're on the board at last!
- Go on!

- We're on the board!
- Oh, mate!
- Look at that.
- Look at that.

Let's move on to the Music Badge.

The Music Badge, I thought, was
a triumph.

Frankly, if this was the first
series, I'd give you all a badge.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Apparently when I did that
in the last series

they didn't... They didn't like that.

They thought that rendered the whole
activity entirely futile, so...

I was really counting on
this free badge.

Maisie and Darren,
a few things to pick up on.

I'm better than, you said
very, very kindly... Yeah.

...Davids Jason... Jason.
...Copperfield, Bowie or Bowie,

Yeah. Never get that right.
- And Baddiel.
- And Baddiel.

Erm, but no reference to Davids
Tennant, Beckham, Cameron,

Hasselhoff and, OK,
and David Dickinson.

He's done time in prison.
You know you're better than him.

Did he?
Yeah. It's a great fact, isn't it?

Oh, that is great. I'd love to do
a drama about that.

Erm, Phil and Fatiha,
I liked your lyrics very much.

You described me as a rabid squirrel.

You know like Superman, you know
when they go, "Is it a bird?
Is it a plane? No, it's Superman."

- Yes.
- It was like that.

That's because he could be mistaken
for those things

because they're airborne and distant.

He's not walking past you.
The feeling is he's a long way away

and if he turned up you wouldn't
still think, "Is this a bird?"

It's clearly a big, muscly guy
with an S on his t-shirt.

So rabid squirrel troubled me
but horny wolf...

Because... Do you think
I'm like a horny wolf?

Fatiha?

When you haven't brushed your beard, yeah.

Because I... It's a side of myself
that I've felt for a long time.

That kind of... The wild,
sort of sexual predator

- waiting to break out.
- Yeah.
That's...

Because I tell you,
I felt seen in that moment.

I've got you, girlfriend.

And, "he's stronger than your dad."

Yeah. I just thought
that was a nice compliment.

It's nice but it's not true.

I don't think you're stronger...
Yeah.

If I'm stronger than your dad
then your dad is ill.

Erm...

Er, Joe and Jess,
you enjoyed this badge, right?

You did enjoy it, didn't you?
Erm, no, I didn't, no.

Did that come across?
- You didn't enjoy it?
- No.

I didn't in the end.

But did you...? You all enjoyed it?
- Oh, yes.
- Loved it.
We had a great time.

Everyone else enjoyed it, Joe.
Yeah. I don't respect them for that.

Can I ask about the lyric,
"lives inside a little van"?

Well, that's where you live
when you're on Outsiders.

I don't want people thinking
that I don't have a home to go to

and it's all like a boast
when I say I'm going home now

but in fact, do you know what?
He doesn't go home.

He just goes to a little van. He has
to turn on the generator himself,

where the loo won't flush.

The horny wolf in his van.
That's not very horny wolf, is it?

Well, I think having cleared up
all that,

I think you were all brilliant
but I've got to pick a winner

and the winner is...

- Phil and Fatiha!
- Oh!
APPLAUSE

Let's hear that fanfare once again.

Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, yeah, that deserves it.

Yeah, yeah.

MAISIE:Cigar, money and Cristal.

I'm also going to award
my first Golden Badge.

- - Oh!
- Ooh!
- What?

I think today we created
something else rather special here.

The first protest song
of this new civilization.

I know you called it Here He Comes.

I'm calling it
What Does The Prick Want Now?

And I think that's...

That's something because that is
the other theme coming through here.

There's the theme -
oh, yes, praise David Mitchell,

but also
What Does The Prick Want Now?

"We're cold and the prick is talking.
Look at that prick."

For that, I'm giving Joe and Jess
the first Golden Badge.

- Oh!
- Oh, well done!

Well done.

- Wow!
- It's been a great day
but I'm going to go home now.

I'm just going to leave you
with this.

CARROT CRUNCHES
Goodnight.

- - - Bye, David.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.

To earn your Evasion Badge...
It's like cross-country.

...you must escape a pursuing team.

How are you doing, good-looking?

You must devise three relaxing...

Arrrgh!..spa treatments.

You're getting something
that isn't shit.

You must come up
with three more commandments.

Rule 1 - destination, defecation.

♪ Here he comes, here he comes

♪ What does the prick want now?

♪ Here he comes, here he comes

♪ What does the prick want now?

♪ David is a funny man
Lives inside a little van

♪ Holds a clipboard full of rules

♪ Guides the comics to be fools

♪ Here he comes, here he comes

♪ What does the prick want now?

♪ Here he comes, here he comes

♪ What does the prick want now? ♪

CARROT TOOTLES

Oh, F off!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media