Original subtitles

The great outdoors, picturesque, peaceful, unspoiled.

Well, it's not for me. It's all very pleasant,

viewed through a gastropub window, but without the buildings, it gets

disgusting very quickly.

Just look at Glastonbury.

Still, some people love it, and I'm challenging six comedians

to prove that they can survive in it.

For the next week, this forest will be their home.

Nettles! Neighbour. Hello.

Each day, they'll be working in pairs...

I've never been camping before.

The closest I've come to roughing it is buying own-brand ketchup.

...learning vital skills.

Where are the trees? We're in a wood!

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now in there. ...and competing for badges.

That's big-boy stuff.

Will they be equipped to survive post-apocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms and a bottle of tequila, so yes, I've got

all the right gear.

I'm already missing the sound of the city.

Where's, where's all the car horns?

Will they crumble under the pressure?

That's why I just did.

That's the L!

I was in the Brownies, but I got kicked out for wetting myself.

So it's just - the whole environment could be quite triggering

for me, really.

Or will they be naturals?

See the guy who took Bear Grylls how to survive and that?

I taught him?

Oh, God.

Yeah, it really is easy to cut your leg off.

Comedians wouldn't know one end of an axe from the other, which for

axes, I believe, is absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think they'll last ten minutes without ordering a pizza.

And each evening, I'll summon them to my HQ...

Please approach the Temple of Doubt! ...to give them my verdict.

I think you did the job. You get the badge.

Yes! Yes!

Welcome to Outsiders.

I don't want to panic everyone, but none of my taxi apps work here.

It's day six, and this morning,

I catastrophically over-boiled my egg.

The yolk was barely moist.

Are you awake, Jamali?

Oh.

Jamali! We getting up?

That was very arousing.

It's the final day, and tonight will see one team

crowned the winners.

Ed and Lou are currently in last place with nine badges, but Kerry

and Toussaint, and Jess and Jamali, are neck and neck with ten.

With two badges still on offer, anyone could still win.

It's like the First World War in 1917.

It's the last day, innit?

Yeah, I think we've done quite well, actually, Jamali.

We've done all right.

I think we've got a good thing going on here. Yeah.

What will you miss about me, Jamali?

I'll miss that you're happy in the morning.

Oh! Happiest in the morning?

Yeah, by the night-time, I'm just pissed. Oh, by the night-time

you're horrible to be around.

But during the day, oh, sweet as pie.

But evening times...

Oh-ho! Lucky them cameras are off, I'll tell you that much.

Please join me, teams.

We walked in in a really fun way.

Lovely. Morning, everyone.

Good morning. Morning.

Sleep well? Jamali, I believe you had trouble getting

out of your tent this morning.

I couldn't get out of the tent, so I just I just cut it open.

He just stabbed his way out.

Yeah.

I didn't want to waste time because we were like, you know...

Well, waste a tent then, why don't you?

Now, here's the laminate.

There are many benefits to keeping livestock while in the outdoors.

Oh, no.

To earn your shepherding badge, you must learn to herd a group

of animals.

The fastest pair to get their animals from Pen A to B

via a short course, wins.

Do we get a sheep dog? No sheep dogs.

If we have sheep dogs, we'll have to pay a bit

for the format rights of One Man And His Dog.

Oh, now, there are three different animals to be herded - piglets, ducks

and hens. At the same time!

No, no, no. Each team gets a different animal.

What are we on?

Well, you draw straws to decide who gets to pick an animal first.

Who's got the straw?

I've got the straws to draw.

Toussaint, you pick.

OK. Lou, you pick for you and Ed.

Don't screw this up for Ed.

Please, please don't screw this up for Ed.

And she screwed it up. Screwed it up for Ed. It is the shortest.

And what one of you got there? The longest. The long one.

OK, Jess, Jamali, you get to pick first, followed by Kerry and Toussaint,

followed by Ed and Lou.

Keeping livestock together makes caring for them easier,

but which animals will be the easiest to herd?

Oh, wow, they are beautiful.

You've got three lovely piglets there.

Yeah. Or I think that's one, two three, four, five, six chickens,

or nine ducks.

I feel we should go for the pigs. If they can be bothered to get up.

You know what I mean, Jamali?

The obvious way of herding them will be with a wheelbarrow,

but that's not allowed. These are our lads.

You want the pigs? 100%.

Three pigs have been taken. Right. OK.

Pigs are off the menu.

They're off the menu. Hang on.

Three pigs? Herding three creatures as opposed to nine creatures

is easier, right? Yeah.

Maybe.

Unless the nine creatures are easier to herd

than the three creatures.

OK, what are your feelings?

Ducks are pleasing, aren't they?

Ducks look really chilled. Here we go.

They naturally are kind of grouping together.

Grouping. Grouping could be useful, whereas these guys

are just at sixes and sevens. Yeah.

Is that a cockerel? Yeah, I think so.

I think that's five hens and one cock.

Maybe we should leave the cock jokes to Lou.

Shall we go duck, then?

Yeah.

What's up, David? The pigs have gone.

Yeah. The ducks have gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We thought it would be chickens.

Yeah. Yet again, we seem to have got the animal where one of them refuses

to stay in the pen. By all means, get a feel for it.

Get back in there, look, it's going... Trying to get back in.

Lou, that's not...

It's not an ideal compliment that.

chicken would rather be in prison than be near you.

Are they free-range? They're not like... Look at them.

These are a domesticated animal kept responsibly, with a great big, hard

cock in the middle.

Yes, Lou? No, David, I'm moving in a new direction.

I know. It's so... This is all teed up for you.

I've been on QI, you know, and I only mentioning my

Jack and Danny once!

In this batch, the teams must shepherd their animals

around the outside of bale one, through the central alley

and round the outside of bale two, before safely securing them

all in the final pen. If any animals miss an obstacle,

they will have a one-minute penalty.

The team with the quickest time wins. But the main thing is,

you don't get any score at all or any chance of a badge

unless all three of these pigs are rendered in there without lifting.

Can we just talk tactics? What's the tactic?

One at a time. If we bomb it down with all of them and just do

it in one go, we could get there pretty quickly.

Just take the hits for penalties. Trying to block that.

You take the front, I take the sides?

Do it in a sort of a V-shape. Practice now. Stop.

So you take this. Gonna be... You're gonna annoy me so much. And you think

you're going to be a treat? Is that what you think?

You think you're going to be easy to work with? Is that what you think?

We're here to take you from point A to point B in the quickest... They're listening to you.

...and safest way possible?

Wow, this is the most any audience has listened to me in a really

long time. They are mesmerised.

We need to create a V. OK. A V shape like that. That is such a shit idea.

No, it's not a shit idea. Shit idea.

You get over this side and make yourself like this.

Yeah, I think we're going to have to sort of round them around like this.

I'll be behind them saying, Come on, you chicken fuck.

Things like that.

I can't see this going anything other than smoothly. No.

Boom, like that. That's what I just did!

That's not a V, that's an L!

David, I'm sorry you had to hear that.

No. I have lovely insight into your process.

That big red cock's very shiny.

Yeah. It is a shiny, big cock, isn't it?

Yeah, especially at the head.

Yeah. Gross.

Shall we start?

OK, you ready? Go.

Firm and strong. Just stepping this way.

If you just come this way, please, sir.

This one's attacking me.

Fair enough, actually, mate.

Lou, have you got those? They won't...

Oh, dear. Those four have gone round obstacle one.

No. Here we go.

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The cock's through. The cock is through. Right.

No, no, no.

David, David... Well done. This way.

We're being timed.

All but one have been round all of the obstacles now.

Off to chicken cottage.

Here we go.

That's lovely, precise work you're doing with that cock,

just working that cock in, aren't you?

Oh, no, you were too late. There we go.

Here we go.

Oh. Well done.

Well done, Lulu. Come on.

Come on, come on. No, no, no.

I don't think you will ever, Lou, be closer in your life to kicking

a chicken. In we go. Just a light touch.

It's just lovely.

I think this is hypnotic television.

Over there. Yeah. That's it.

I love you. I love you.

No penalties.

Lou. That's honestly the calmest I've been in any of the badges.

Yeah. I was quite angry for some of it. Yeah!

Ready, steady go.

Come on, Miss Piggy.

Oh, well, she might just chill and walk there.

Come on, bacon.

Just a funny name I've given her.

Come on, we'll get some lunch when we get there.

I want to stop and eat him.

Now, I hadn't factored in, but this is just one giant snack!

Oh, this way.

OK, so that's your first pig around the first obstacle.

Brilliant.

Oh, good work. Now this way.

Yeah. Well done, little pig.

Oh, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

All right.

This pig is so slow.

Block her round.

Success! Nailed it!

We only have to do this three times.

I'm just a pig farmer now, basically.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Just doing whatever I want. Hello, there.

That's David Mitchell off the television.

One of the pigs shit themselves.

It just stepped in its own shit.

No, no, no.

That's the shit of a of an omnivore. That's worse than the shit

of a herbivore.

They always talk about how clean pigs are, apparently.

Not this one. But I don't think they are.

I think they're always covered in shit.

Come on. That's working.

Come by. Come by. Come by.

Come by.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Jamali. Open the gate.

What is the point in being comedians?

Come by.

Come by.

Come by!

I was born to do that. Yeah.

But I really enjoyed that.

Was that a symbiosis of humans and piglets?

Come on, then. OK, we're off.

That's it. Nice.

That's it. That's it. No worries.

Wedge them.

Where are they going now?

Whoa. They split up.

Out we go. Hey, they all need to come over here.

This is brilliant. Well done, guys.

Great teamwork. That's it, Kerry.

Flank 'em, flank 'em.

No man behind. Oh, no, hang on. That's it.

That's it. OK, two have gone rogue.

Yes... Oh...

Let's just focus on the ones we have, focus on the ones we have. That's it.

Leave it. Leave it.

No. We've got three. No, they're not in yet.

Open the gate.

Oh, they've gone mad.

Oh, my God, I'm knackered already.

Those three have done all of the route except the last bit.

But the other six have not.

Don't get too close, in case they break up. Right, now,

...slowly... Right. Get them round.

Yeah, that's it. Brilliant work. Keep going.

Square them off so they don't go to the left.

They've got to go through.

That's it. Brilliant. No, no. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

That's it.

Well done.

No, this side. No, you got... Is that right?

No, that's definitely... No.

Kerry, come on, Kerry.

I know, but they need to do this... But we can just take the penalty.

We'll just take the penalty. OK.

That's it.

Easy.

Easy, easy.

Steady. That's it.

Lovely. Oh, brilliant.

You're such a dream.

Thank you so much, guys.

Excellent duck herding.

I'll let you know how you got on, in the HQ later tonight.

Now, which bit of the fence...? Which bit of the fence do we get out?

Can someone herd us out, please?

You must make one pair of shoes per team... And we've got our shoe.

That's actually good stuff. It looks a fucking mess, Lou.

Presenting the latest footwear.

I want this badge.

I want this badge, David.

I want it.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, hi, there. What's up?

Is it laminate co it's wiped clean, then?

Next question, what have you been doing with them?

Well, I haven't actually sullied any of the laminates.

Yeah, I should have taken more opportunity to violate them

with various substances.

Here we go. Next laminate.

If your shoes are lost or damaged, you'll need to learn

how to protect your feet in order to move across tough terrain.

To earn your cobbler's badge,

you must make one pair of shoes per team using natural materials

that can be found in the forest.

Both shoes must be able to stay on your feet.

Your shoes will be judged on their durability and style.

We make one pair of shoes or two pairs? Make one pair

of shoes per team.

Can you make a horse's shoe and have a bit of fun?

It wouldn't stay on your feet.

Yeah, you've got to wear it.

You have then nail them on. I'll nail them onto Ed.

She'll nail them on to me.

I mean, do you want to see Ed clopping around like a little

horse or not? Yep.

Of course.

Thank you very much.

Go to your shoemaking stations.

Ever done cobbling?

No. Oh, look, they're giving us loads of stuff.

For the final badge,

the teams have been provided with natural raw materials and some

basic bushcraft cobbling instructions.

They have one hour until I come and review their shoes as coldly

as a fashion columnist.

Oh, this stuff's great.

Bark as sole. The birch bark is quite bendy and flexible, and

therefore can be used as a sole to your shoe.

All right. This is going to be a piece of piss.

We're going to bang out some really cool shoes.

It's the last day, Lou, so I think we should go all out with ambition.

Heels.

High heels.

These could be for heels.

Heel. Little kitten heels.

So, we're definitely making shoes for you, then?

Who says you can't wear heels? I don't know how to wear heels.

Never worn them before.

Do you know what I always say. Jamali? What do you say?

Be a stiletto in a room of flats?

Yeah, I bet you have that above your bed, innit?

Are you sure we can make a high heel with weave and a lace?

Bearing in mind... We can do anything we want if we put our heart and soul into it.

I think this week is proof that that's absolutely not true at all.

Are we going with my foot? Yeah.

Cos it's smaller? Yeah.

I've got eights, big old plates.

I love that

You think we're so good at shoemaking that you can give

me your size.

And then...

So what, are you size like, 11 or something.

I'm a seven. OK.

What size are you?

11.

That's quite big feet, Jamali.

I do have quite big feet. Gosh.

Once you've lined up enough twigs and sticks to cover the sole

of your foot, you can then use roots or grass to bind

the twigs together.

The end results will resemble a little raft for your foot.

So we get a bit of this, chuck it on - cushioning.

Cool. I'm going to get weaving.

Oh yeah, this is fine.

Cut that here because we can have a bit of excess.

Yeah? I'm getting better.

You are getting better, you are.

Oh, look at this, Ed. This lady is straight

from a Paris fashion house.

Ha-ha!

Which way are you putting it over it? Can you just demonstrate?

But like, is it going over?

Don't be so fragile! Going over that way, or... At this stage,

I don't know.

Once we make a flat piece of leather, we can decide.

How many shoes you got?

Countless. What's

countless? I don't know.

I mean, I haven't counted them.

The teams are halfway through their cobbling badge.

Not long now before they get to hear my weird theories

on footwear, which this show is finally going to give me

the public forum to discuss.

Right. There is one, then.

That's brilliant, mate. I would have gone on for longer, but...

Here we go. Look at that.

Wow. Where is mine gone?

Oh, this is a disaster.

The thing is, this is so bloody hard.

This is not going to stick on, Lou. Try it with...

I have tried it. Oh, OK, I'll try it.

Oh, baby, chose these, the latest kicks.

I tell you what, I think it's a thing of beauty. Mm.

But I'm really scared that the minute I walk...

You know what? I reckon that's going to work.

There we go.

That is absolutely amazing, Jamali.

I thought you were gonna say it was bad.

I just can't believe you.

OK, OK.

And we've got our shoe.

That's actually good stuff,

that is. That's good stuff, is it?

Yeah. That's... Look, that's about to come apart.

Well, Ed, instead of criticising, I'd love you to get

Well, look, cos what's happened again is we've discussed

it and you've just done your own thing.

Yeah, because you couldn't deliver. Deliver?

That's what I was trying to deliver, was it? Looks a fucking mess, Lou.

And you know what we can do with that? Dance

It's tap shoes.

What the hell...?

Well, look, who's got some fashion?!

That actually looks quite good.

Are you making me a heel? Yeah.

Oh, my God, Jamali.

Careful. Wow.

So fit.

Oh, the sweet sound of birdsong... axe chopping...

...one of my husbands making me a pair of shoes. I'm in heaven.

We've really got to know each other this past week. Hm?

Do you want to put these on my feet, maybe? No.

Do you want...? Please.

Don't be cross. I'm going to get some flowers. OK?

No, don't go anywhere. Stay there, Lou!

OK. Stay there with that shoe, please!

OK. I'm just going over there. Lou, please.

I'm just... If they fall apart,

then I'm just walking off.

OK.

I've got one on.

I think that's actually quite classy, madam.

These are lovely, it's like being in a shoe shop.

OK. OK.

They're lovely.

If that's not a good shoe... Right, we're done.

And the thing is, I'm just as elegant as ever!

David?!

Hello. Hello, David. Hi, David.

I present to you, we call them the willows.

Is it willow bark?

Yes, willow bark. Willow bark. That's why they called willows.

And it's a shoe for all occasions.

You can go hunting and you can go strolling.

And it also makes no sound when you're touching the floor.

You won't hear a thing. You can't hear nothing, can you?

It's very quiet. Very quiet shoe. Yeah, yeah.

Ta-da! I'm going to be a mute model that looks pissed off.

Presenting the latest footwear.

We have the Keys's.

I'll be honest with you, David.

They're more comfy than heels.

Yeah. When you're still, you look like you've grown out of the Earth.

OK, so we've made shoes that are functional yet... Stylish.

Certainly. there's no business like shoebusiness.

Oh, lovely. Shall we take it away?

What's the song, again? Just one we've made up,

that's copyright-free.

♪ Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum

♪ Tap dancing!

♪ Shoe Business Business yeah! ♪

I requested a stiletto heel.

Unfortunately, a stiletto design... That's like a stiletto.

That would be perfect. That's just a leaf-collecting thing. You look like

you're under, like, the most fanciest community service.

Yeah, white collar crime. Yeah, white collar crime. White collar community service.

So there's fungus heels and toes for the tap? Yeah.

And then these sort of bark laces. I'll just... You can tighten them up and stuff.

Yeah.

And I see they're sort of notched. And I think a bit of the...

No, no, no, no.

...the fungus tap there might be slightly...

But they are detachable and reattachable.

Yeah. OK.

Because you don't want to tap all day long.

I have one major criticism.

Yeah. You're still wearing your shoes, Kerry.

Those aren't shoes. Those are over shoes.

Are we going to get marked down? Cos I'll take my shoe off.

Will you?

OK, this is achievable. Kerry, I...

I want this badge!

I want this badge, David.

I want it!

They're better than I expected.

OK. Although, I can tell which pair of shoes are the ones you've made.

That's, in all honesty... The one I made? I can tell... Which one you think I made?

I think that those are the home-made shoes and those are

shoes that have been manufactured.

Oh, sorry, sorry. I thought the one Jamali made and the one I made.

No, no. I assume Jamali made both.

While you said, "Why can't I have heels, Jamali?"

Yeah, that's, that's a good representation. You know us

so well, David.

Oh, shit. It's really falling apart.

Is it really falling apart? No.

Because that's another thing with a pair of shoes, is that taking

them off once, should be something that, you know,

that shouldn't be the ultimate stress test. I think your negativity

has made the shoe fall apart.

They've definitely got a good bit of elevation, with the heel there,

which I imagine will do slight damage to your back.

Part of being in the wild is breeding. Stand apart

from the other women by adding a heel to your shoe.

The key element of sexiness that will ensure the next generation...

Lou will be popping out kids left, right and centre, if she's got those.

Oh! Another wild man's just...

Another young man has just penetrated the perimeter. Oh, I

can't bear any more spunk up inside me, thanks to these great heels.

LAUGHTER

I see, yes... With that - with your fungus heels,

you'll be full of spunk before you know it.

LAUGHTER

I've got a headache so instant off your cocktail, like, the minute

I had a sip.

It's called The Stroke.

The final badge that will decide the series,

and it's done quite simply on time.

After six long days, the Outsiders' time in the wild is drawing

to a close.

We're not going to hurt you.

That was pathetic.

Do I look like a bush? Across the week,

they've been embracing life in the wilderness...

Hello, I'm Louise, and I drink my own urine ...

...bonding as a team...

Jamali, no, no, no. Jamali. No, Jamali.

ALL CHANT

LAUGHTER

No more swing. Ah!

Boom! That would freak me out. Hi-ya!

And trying to prove to me that urban civilisation is a convenience,

not a necessity.

You're on TV.

It's Mark from Peep Show! Jeremy, you idiot.

The Outsiders have completed the last badge and as the show's

contractual hold on them starts to slacken...

...we'd better do something to keep them sweet.

So here's the nearest the post-apocalyptic wilderness gets

to a treat - booze infused with foraged woodland ingredients,

moonshine, basically. Accompanied by some recipe ideas,

because this is still TV.

Lulu? Yeah. Do you wanna come and make some cocktails?

I'd love to.

Are we making them for everyone? I think so.

OK. So these are all dandelion and burdock things,

like foraged ingredients.

What do you think this is going to taste like?

Garbage?

I think it smells horrible.

Like, I wouldn't want to try it.

I don't really... I can't really drink alcohol straight.

Oh, my God.

It's actually not bad? It's really sweet.

Really? Yeah, it's actually really nice.

Genuinely. That's enough.

I want to put mushroom in it, too.

That's not bad, you know? Can you believe that?

That is not bad.

Can I take some of that home?

Stop measuring.

We'll just add it.

No, that's why there's a recipe. It's stupid.

You just like... It's not stupid.

That's why things taste a certain way because you put in a certain amount of ingredients.

I'm drinking it, though, and I just splat it in.

Now, when I've had your cooking at your house, it's beginning to make sense.

We're going to make a mocktail here. Hedgerow sling.

Cool. OK.

A dash of blackberry syrup. Whoa. Whoa.

No, you don't measure a dash. You just do it.

Boom. Dash. Blackberries.

Doesn't say how much. Top up with soda water.

Oh, fuck!

There's no knife, so you just bite into that.

So I think this is 50 mil, 100 mil. Yeah.

I did you a bit of...

Lou, what are you doing?

I'm sorry to do that, but you sort of have to because there's no knife.

Oh!

Yep, no.

I've got to say, as a diabetic, this, this cocktail

is going to send me right into bloody space. Be funny

if at the end of the show, you died.

I mean, it's lucky we've saved it

till episode six for that to happen.

Yeah, if I drink all of that, I'm going to die.

Is it strong? No, it's just really sweet.

I'll be foraging myself some insulin in a minute

because that's a nightmare.

Jamali, are you sick of me?

No. Sick of the sight of me?

No, I'm actually... On the last day,

I'm actually coming around to the idea. Idea of what?

Hanging out with you. Oh, really? Yeah.

Out there, in the real world? Yeah, you've been a very enjoyable partner

to be with.

I wouldn't have wanted to be paired with anyone else. Aww.

I am going to miss this violence.

Everything's just stabbing... and... That's not violence.

How else am I to break the ice up?

Well, I didn't do it like that, for instance.

And then you didn't get no ice, did you?

I'll put it out there,

I don't think we're going to win.

What?! We just kind of bob along.

We just potter along. We have got a bobbing-along system.

Bob-alongers do not win.

I think Bob-alongers do fine.

Bob-alongers can sometimes win.

Isn't that in the hare and the tortoise?

The tortoise was the bob-alonger, and it won.

That feels like a one-off.

You don't get many.

You don't get many tortoises winning races.

Let's go. It's all right, I'll carry everything, Jamali. Don't worry.

All right.

Bobbing along.

Do you want me to push you up the hill?

Hello. Hello. Hey.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

What did you make?

We made a hedgerow sling. Hedgerow sling.

Sounds lovely.

All right? Hello! You guys want some drinks?

No.., What have you made?

This is a secret elixir. OK. With wild mushrooms in it.

Oh, right. I want, I want some of that.

Yeah. Is it, actually?

Yeah, it's got mushroom vodka.

There you go.

It's a bit bitty.

I like the way that you pour with your other arm. Like a sommelier.

Thank you very much. There's nothing

I like more with a cocktail, when you can see bits of mushrooms

struggling to get out the top of the...

Taste it! Tell me what you think.

It's got a little bit of lemon to bring it out.

Oh, that's really good. Thank you.

Yeah, I've got a headache

so instant off your cocktail, like, the minute I had a sip.

That's good.

A sharp pain went through my cranium instantly.

That's what's meant. It's called The Stroke.

If you smell toast, drink more.

What were you shepherding? Hens.

They were beautiful.

And may I say, I'm so proud of my team-mate.

There was a big cock there, and there was not one joke.

Really? Well done, Lou.

Well done. I guess I'm kind of growing up in my own little way. Really grown up, Lou.

Do you think it's this trip that's changed you?

Yeah, I think it's nature. Yeah.

We had... The ducks. And we bonded with the ducks. Toussaint started talking,

he sort of explained to them what was going to happen,

and they all listened.

Wow! They all stood in, like, attention and just went... and listened.

It was honestly the first time this week that I thought,

this is what it feels like to be an alpha. Wow.

Power. Amongst, amongst men, a beta. Amongst ducks, a king!

Who you think's gonna win, though?

I think it's between two teams. And these teams aren't our team.

You're only one behind. You could win two tonight and we could win

none, and then... It's anyone's game.

It's anyone's game.

I actually think it's between you guys.

No. Yeah, I do.

But you guys have been the silent assassins for the whole thing.

Look, you've made Kerry cry.

Yeah! What a bloody nightmare...!

Teams, the end is nigh.

Will you please stop hanging around there, and start

hanging around here?

The teams are making their way to my HQ for the last time.

Today, in their final push for badges,

the teams have tried their hand at shepherding.

That's what I just did! That's a V! That's an L!

...mastered the fine art of cobbling.

There's no business like shoebusiness.

I want this badge. I want this badge, David.

I want it.

And we're about to find out which team has done enough to win.

Hello. Welcome, Outsiders.

Hello. Hello.

Six days in and you're all still alive.

I'm really surprised.

I'm going to mention it, Ed. You've brought the dummy of me.

Yes. He's been through a hard time this week.

Is that why he's playing with himself?

Oh, I didn't even notice. David, please.

It's probably just for warming.

Yeah. Jamali has killed him twice, so I thought,

give him a little treat tonight.

The thing that I find depressing is that he's in so much better shape than me.

Yeah, he's ripped. He really goes in at the waist and out at the shoulders.

Yeah. I don't do that.

Jamali, would you deal with him one last time?

Yeah, sure. No worries

Jamali. Pop him in the fire.

LAUGHTER

Bye-bye, me.

Anyway. Look at that.

That's what you can win.

Wow.

One each for the winning team.

Real gold, I hope.

Absolutely not.

I mean, real, the colour gold.

So anyway, I was a real sceptic about your ability to survive. Why?

The whole point is, we as a species, but particularly we comedians,

we derive our food and shelter from walking into a room and making

some humorous remarks.

And I think to take people who have prospered in that world

and then say, "No, there you are.

"There's some mud and a stick - survive."

I think it was pretty unlikely to work out.

This is a very high-budget way of proving a point, though.

Do you feel you've proved to yourselves that you can

survive without civilisation?

Oh, God, no.

I don't really know what I was expecting, but I did think I'd fare

better than this. Yeah, me too.

Yeah. Really? I knew I'd be bad at most of this stuff, and I'm somehow worse

than my already low expectations.

I just want to say, as the group's resident introvert, I found

that this experience had it all for me.

I thought the camping paradise - loved that. The activities were a

bit like a fever dream, which I've tried repeatedly to wake up from.

So the survival aspect in the wild, you're comfortable with. The thing

you couldn't stand is the continued existence of other people.

I think I grated him.

No, I liked your talk about the '80s.

But I offered a lot more art.

That was the only thing you sort of seemed interested in.

The '80s stuff was good.

It was the rest of it that was problematic, Kerry. And you can

take a note.

The pairings were the riskiest element, I would say.

Well, certainly for Jamali, I mean, he wasn't necessarily looking

for this intense a relationship, but looks like he's got it. Absolutely not.

Yeah.

How have you felt, Jamali?

You feel like you've been the most comfortable. Yeah, tell us how you feel.

And actually talk about your feelings and really, actually... Stop grimacing while Jess talks,

and tell us how you feel about her.

Do you know what, when I first got here and I chopped the tree down,

I thought this would be pretty easy. Easy, yeah.

And this has been probably the hardest part.

I came in here single and I've left married with a wife I didn't want.

Whoa, what?

So they're in the early flourishes of a relationship.

It feels like we've been divorced for five years already.

You said I was going to be part of your garden.

Yes, that's true. Underneath the patio.

So anyway, now it's time to pass judgment on today's badges

and decide the winner.

The winner of Outsiders 2021. That's the year, not...

We haven't done over 2,000 series.

Doesn't sound like it was going that well,

if you had to give up on the obstacle course,

You had three pigs.

Actually, Kerry, you're coming across really badly right now.

The final badge, that will decide the series, and it's done quite

simply on time.

Right.

The first badge, the cobbler's badge.

Fortunately, during the week here,

one of the teams built a shoe rack.

Oh! Shoe-rack television.

So there we go. Here are your shoes.

Oh, Bigfoot's at the end, there, they look very wearable.

Well, those are Toussaint and Kerry's, and these are Ed and Lou,

and these are Jess and Jamali's.

Starting with Jess and Jamali's, what does everyone think

of the...? Very elegant shoe. Sort of look like the first incarnation of ours?

There is a similarity. Yeah. That's right.

Yeah.

I guess when you've got wood bark, there's not too much you can do.

What do you think, Jess and Jamali about the spin on that basic design?

Is that elastic band like a rubber elastic band?

We were told natural materials.

We were told you lose points for using...

We specifically asked them.

We were told that didn't happen. We purposely didn't...

I'm just asking. I'm just telling...

...that our shoes are tap shoes.

So we did a little tap dance with ours.

That's funny because mine made me

want to dance, too.

I mean, they are incredible, but you've also used rubber bands.

There's a heel and a toe.

Yes, a rubber band has been used.

Why don't you all shut your faces?

Why would you give us the rubber band?

I like the peep toe, but it could be hazardous.

It's difficult to know what to wear with your wedding dress.

Oh! Yes. They're sort of like ballet, sort of, ballet pumps.

Yeah, but we wanted to make ours practical, though.

I think they were very practical. Now, interesting what Ed and Lou

did that no-one else did, is there was a real marketing

push. Shoebusiness. Shoebusiness.

The reveal, the use of umbrellas, a lot of thought had gone

into marketing, and I fear that that's completely missing the point

of this. There's no marketing in the Apocalypse. There's entertainment.

David, do you just want things, like, thrown at you with no ceremony

at all or dare to dream that you could have a bit more?

If you took the theatrical element away,

would they still be a decent pair of shoes? Yes, absolutely.

I think so. Oh, right. There you go, then.

Yes, they were functional shoes.

And now, Kerry and Toussaint's - they're a different take.

What do you think about them?

More like slippers, like, around the house, kind of loungewear?

Kind of like, the Crocs of the shoe.

I think they look like they'd be protective because they're all around cover.

Yes.

The dangly, dangly bits that are hanging out. Yes. They wrap

up and around the calf like a gladiator sandal. That is a nice

fastening idea. It is a nice touch.

It's practical and it's stylish, and it did work for the Romans.

Yes. I mean, initially I was sceptical because they were used

as over shoes.

I did have them on over my... But... They were then demonstrated

that they could go on the foot without a shoe underneath. Definitely a statement

shoe, aren't they?

They are statement shoe, and the statement is saying,

"These are shit shoes!"

Anyway, on the plus side, you all made shoes -

you can all have a badge!

And as Ed quite rightly immediately notes, that means that he and Lou

can no longer win.

La la la la la la la la la.

Can someone bring my car forward?

LAUGHTER

And now we come to the final badge of the show.

This is the decider.

Only one team can win this badge.

This is the shepherding badge.

How do you all feel that went? Really good, actually.

Good. Good.

Yeah, I thought it was actually quite easy.

Rounding animals up, you must

have felt like you were doing that every day, David!

Yes, I like that.

But also, to get back into your kind of material -

can I ask you, did you find the cock hard?

Oh. Lou, Lou...

Why is everyone looking...? She's not doing it, David.

She's refusing. I'm above this stuff.

I respect your desire to change image, but do you have to do it

mid-series?!

I told you, I have read the Iliad.

Have you? The Wiliad?

Hey, it takes a long time to finish...

And the Iliad...

It's that sort of thing that I'm moving away from!

LAUGHTER

OK, Jamali and Jess, the pigs, they were pretty biddable.

I thought that Jamali was going to be really good at it

and I was going to be rubbish.

It was going to be that whole thing again. Yeah.

But actually, we were both good at it, weren't we,

Jamali? Because Jess found the technique -

we just smacked it?

Smacked his little bottom. Yeah.

Towards the end, I got a little bit of a "click, click" going on.

Yeah.

And Kerry and Toussaint, you did very well with the ducks.

I felt like I had a connection with the ducks.

I felt like we kind of had an understanding.

He gave them really clear instructions and they all

just listened but didn't give eye contact.

All of them as a group, just waited. Which is exactly what I do when my

girlfriend gives me instructions.

I think Kerry and Toussaint, you made two very good decisions.

Picking ducks? The decision to pick the ducks.

The ducks - they stayed together. and the other decision was, you two,

it was right at the end, when one or two of them hadn't gone

round the last obstacle. Yeah.

"OK, we give up on the obstacle course.

"We take the minute's penalty because it will take us

"more than a minute to deal with that."

It was a tactical, strategic, one-stop strategy.

Doesn't sound like it was going that well, if you had to give

up on the obstacle course.

We had nine ducks, you had three pigs.

It's lovely being out of the competition and watching

all this happen. It's ugly.

Because, actually, Kerry, you're coming

across really badly right now.

I think we played by the rules on quite a few other occasions,

and been burnt.

We've let it go, but I'm really cross about it.

The tree, I've never recovered from the tree.

It was all fine until the tree.

And since then...? The tree was the first badge. I'm aware.

OK!

LAUGHTER

But with this one, I think we made the right choices.

OK, so with this badge, the final badge, that will decide the series,

only one team gets the badge and it's done quite simply on time.

Who was the fastest?

These are the final numbers.

OK, Ed and Lou, you took, herding the chickens...

...eight minutes and 38 seconds.

Yeah.

Jess and Jamali, you took,

to herd your pigs...

...five minutes and 15 seconds.

Kerry and Toussaint, including the penalty, you took, to herd

the ducks...

...four minutes and 14 seconds. Woohoo!

So, Kerry and Toussaint are the winners of Outsiders 2021, please

collect your trophy.

Absolute bullshit!

Where's your knife, Jamali, where's your knife?

Pick them up, raise them in the air!

Oh!

You can hug, you're in a bubble,

like gold. Yay, congratulations.

Absolute bullshit!

LAUGHTER

Very unexpected. We're shocked.

Can we sing camping songs? Yes, you can.

Yes!

'80s camping songs. '80s camping songs. Yeah.

ALL HUM SONGS

Oh, yeah.

As soon as it... Cos it's going to come gushing out.

Hey, absolutely. Swig it.

And so, thank you all for coming, for taking part.

And you can go home now, but you've been brilliant.

I hope you...

Wait till I finish!

Thank you very much. Here's to you.

Congratulations and cheers.

Thank you.

Outsiders! Outsiders!

If we don't want to go home and we want to stay here forever,

is that allowed?

You're upsetting Jamali.

Can we call security?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Cheers.

Well done, everyone. You're brilliant.

Let's hug!

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