All language subtitles for d.m.o.s01e05.720p.web.h264-skyfire

The great outdoors.

Picturesque, peaceful, unspoiled.

Well, it's not for me. It's all very
pleasant viewed through a gastropub
window,

but without the buildings, it gets
disgusting very quickly.

Just look at Glastonbury.

Still, some people love it, and I'm
challenging six comedians

to prove that they can survive it.

For the next week, this forest will
be their home.

Nettles!
Neighbour.
Hello.

Each day they'll be working in
pairs...

I've never been camping before. The
closest I've come to roughing it is
buying own-brand ketchup.

...learning vital skills...

I'll be honest with you, David,
they're more comfy than heels.

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now in
there.

...and competing for badges...

They'll come back, and we'll
absolutely obliterate them.

Will they be equipped to survive
post-apocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms and a bottle of
tequila, so yes, I've got the right
gear.

I'm already missing the sound of the
city.

Where's all the car horns?

Will they crumble under the
pressure?

Jamali. I'm pregnant.

I was in the Brownies, but I got
kicked out for wetting myself.

So the whole environment could be
quite triggering for me, really.

Or will they be naturals?

The guy who taught Bear Grylls how
to survive, and I taught him.

Oh, God.
It really is easy to cut
your leg off.

Comedians wouldn't know one end of
an axe from the other,

which for axes I believe is
absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think they'll
last ten minutes without ordering a
pizza.

And each evening I'll summon them to
my HQ...

Please approach The Temple of Doubt.

...to give them my verdict.

I think you did the job, you get the
badge.

Yes!
Yes!

Welcome to Outsiders.

Could someone please refresh my
handwarmers?

Ah-ha!

It's day five, and I couldn't decide
between one pillow or two,

as a result of which I've got a bit
of a cricked neck this morning.

Last time saw all the teams take two
badges each,

which means that Ed and Lou have six
badges,

but the other two teams have eight.

Will one of them triumph, or will it
be a draw?

I hope it's not a draw. That would
be shit.

The unfortunate thing about camping

is the bodily weather conditions
inside the tent.

Are you trying to tell me that
you've shat yourself?

All I can say is, I'm really glad
we're in separate tents.

On that note, I'm going to let some
air in.
Better out than in.

Hi, David.
Sorry, good morning.

Morning.

The next badge is the sensory
deprivation badge in which

the teams have to prove their
nocturnal navigational skills.

Here's the scenario. A storm has
struck at night, the teams' tents

have been flattened, so they must
pack up their tents,

and find their way to the safety of
another tent that's just over there.

In a post-apocalyptic night storm,
when torches are a thing of the
past,

their only hope is working together.

Can they do it? If they can, they
get a badge.

And in the real world, if they can,
maybe they would live

rather than die.

OK, I would like you to get into
your tents.

Let's watch you wobble around like
pensioners.

Oh, look at old Ed.

Now, don't destroy the tent before
Storm David destroys it.

Ed, are you in your tent?
I think
I'm in my tent, Lou.

I'm in my tent too. Well done.

Please enter your tents, and await
the storm.

Or actually, strictly speaking, you
should be not expecting the storm.

Please lie there unsuspecting.

OK, I've got it.

One second.
Oh, actually, Jamali, brilliant.

You've done Storm David's work for
me there.

So...

here we go.

HE IMITATES STORM
It's horrible! Climate change.

Angry owls! Whoo!

OK, off you go.

Pack up your tents. Find your way to
safety.

Oh, God. We need to work together.
You can't be a lone wolf on this.

Right, I'm out, Kerry. Are you out?
I'm out.

We've got take the whole of the
tent?

The whole of the tent, like we're
back in little pigs territory.

You're the straw pigs, and you're
going over to the twig pigs' house.

Right, I've got the tent somehow,
but where's the bag?

The bag should be on the floor
somewhere.

Got my tent in a bundle in my hands.

Oh, wow, you're way more...
And I'm
stuffing it into the rucksack.

Your camping experience is
definitely showing now.

OK, I've got everything. This is
actually surprisingly easy.

Well, can you come and help me, then?

Normally, I'd roll and fold, Jamali.
I'm just like...

It's storm conditions.
I'm just
doing it hard and fast.

Oh, yeah?

I'm not sure where the bag is.
Oh,
that's bad.

That is not ideal.
OK, I might leave
you behind.

Save yourself, Kerry.

In this apocalypse, I don't really
want to be standing in the rain all
day,

so I've provided a rope to speed up
their route to safety.

But they've got to find it first.

OK.

There's a degree of humiliation with
these tasks.

I can't feel a single tree.

Where are the trees? We're in a
wood!

Do we have to hold hands? Can't we
hold each other's arms?

No, we have to hold hands. It's
better.

I really don't like holding hands...

Can you put your arm out?
My arm is
out, actually.

Look for the rope.
I AM looking for
the rope.

What am I?
What are you?
Yeah,
like...

Human. How disorientated are you?!

OK, Lou...
Yeah?
What you've done,
in a way I hope we've got on camera,

is you managed to duck under the
rope.

Hands forward. Oh, I've got
something.

You've got the rope?
Yes. There is a
rope here.

I can't feel...
Where's your hand?
That's my boob.
Sorry.

That was totally... Sorry.

Remember, to get to the safety of
the tent,

you must stick together along the
rope course.

So, I'll hold the rope, you hold my
hand.

All right.
Jamali, this is so
romantic.

Have you ever been blindfolded
before?
Uh...!

For leisure?

Guys, I'm just going to intervene
for a second.

You've found the rope, which is
brilliant,

and you've worked your way along it
back to the beginning.

Where does it go?
Well, it goes
down.

Go down?
No, but then I don't
know where it goes from there.

This is wrapped. I do need to let go
of your hand.
Thank God.

Let Mummy see.
No, no, Mummy can't
see.

Mummy's got a blindfold on.

Oh, there's one here.
OK, lead,
lead...

It's just here, down here.
Ouch!

Sorry.
CUCKOO CALLS

Hello?
Cuckoo.

Follow the cuckoo.

Are we getting any nearer this other
tent?

I think so.
God, this feels a bit
dangerous, actually.

Go on, just do it. Just jump over.

No, I'm scared. We don't know what's
down there.

Can I go first, so I can just leap
over it?

OK, I'm climbing over a tree
blindfolded.

I feel like this is a health and
safety nightmare.

Is it just a step?
It's literally
just a step.

OK!
There you go.

HE BURPS
Sorry, I panicked.

So, follow the smell of my burp,
Lou.

OK, thanks, Ed.

Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Come the way I'm pulling you. So you
don't fall over.

And then, like, spin out.

There.
We were dancing then.
We were
not!

Agghh! I'm imagining at the moment
I'm approximately 80ft off the
ground.

This feels dangerous.

Are you all right, Lou?

Lou?
SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

I can't believe you said we're
fucking dancing.
We did.

We did not dance.
Yes, we did. You
just span me round.

No, I was spinning you round to
catch the rope. We did not dance.

It was like Strictly.

I'm going to try and step down.
I've
got my hood up.

Oh, wow, Lou, we're literally 30cm
off the ground.

Do you think we're going to look
very cool in this footage?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God, I think we're here!
Done it?

Shelter!

Kerry, we've made it.
Ah!

Yes!
Is it a tent each?
It's not a
tent each.

Oh, wow. This has really taken a
turn for the sultry.

Big note from the channel came in
last night.

Three words. Make them fuck.

I knew there'd be a Carry On Camping
vibe.

Oh, my God!

There's a dummy in here.

It's a threesome now, is it?

Can you please... Can you please,
um...

We have to kill that person.

He's dead. I dispatched him.

Jamali!
I cracked his neck.

I can't believe you just did that.
So romantic.

OK.

Oh, my God, Jamali!

LAUGHTER

Can you push my backpack down so I
can get in the tent?

Is that helpful?
No, I think the
whole tent's about to come down.

Loulie, get it.

SHE LAUGHS

THEY BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

And that's camping.

Stop the clock!
OK, you may remove
your blindfolds.

Wow, that's an experience.
Yeah.

Did you enjoy it?
I felt like I was
being chased by a giggling
psychopath.

Through the woods.

Who was that chasing us?
Oh, I don't
know...

I thought you made very steady
progress.

And now, in fact, a storm's coming
in.

See you later, David.
See you later.

Bye.

It's raining!
When in Rome...
So
we're now in shelter.
Yeah.

All right, guys, you may now remove
your blindfolds,

and return into the now, as you say,
quite poor weather.

It's remarkable how you don't put
your hands in front of you even when
you should.

Just going like this is fine, yeah.

I once did that with a Tube train
doors when I was quite drunk.

Head-first.
You know, the Tube... you
think...

"Oh, I'm missing my stop, I'm
missing my stop!

I'd better wedge it with something."

And I just popped my head there.

Fortunately, there was someone with
me. Robert Webb, in fact.

Maybe late '96.
When we could all
do stupid things unrecorded.

Jamali, I'm pregnant.

HE LAUGHS

Excellent consistency in terms of
your survival attitude.

That's the second time you've killed
an incarnation of me.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

He's fucking dead!

It is an interesting technique to
keep murdering the man who decides
whether or not you get a badge.

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, was it you?

It was just as enjoyable as the
first time.

How was it? Did you find your other
senses came alive?

I really enjoyed that.

I just feel like we've really
bonded now.

Haven't we?
Do you feel like you've
really bonded?

Do you feel like we've bonded?
Is
there an option to switch teams?

Jamali, you're contractually obliged
to stay with me now.

As I say to my husband.

To earn your hunting badge, you must
successfully hit a moving target.

Jamali, do not hide behind me.

Let the hunt begin.

SCREAMING

You hit?
Yeah.

Hello, everyone.
Hello, David.

In order to endure the extreme
conditions of a survival situation,

you must learn to hunt and gather.

To earn your hunting badge,

you must successfully hit a moving
target.

You will all get the same number of
bullets, and the highest number of
hits wins.

Anyone got any hunting experiences?

I've been fishing.
I've been
fishing.

It's horrible, isn't it?
As a child,
I've killed a trout.

Killed a lobster.
How did you kill
it?

So I went with putting it in a cold
pan, and turning up the heat slowly

so it fell asleep and then died.

Very interesting, because when I
was four years old

my parents - we were on holiday in
France in a static caravan -

and they did exactly what you did.

It did not fall asleep. No. It went
in there...

It was pleased. Water.

Then it started to get warmer. Oh,
dear me.

As the temperature elevated, the
lobster did what you and I would do,

which is freak out.

And I remember as a four-year-old,
seeing this monster

with claws trying to escape the
steaming water,

and as it felt to me, get me,

and it was quite traumatising,

although I'm ashamed I just feared
the lobster, I didn't pity it.

A weird story. It started kind of
posh. "We was on holiday in France."

Then it went to not posh caravan.
Then lobster. Posh again.

Yeah, it's all over the place.
That's me. I'm a person of nuance.

You're a bunch of savages, although
I did waterboard a mouse once.

It was a mistake, so...

Well, I hope today...

today, unlike the day... the sad day
for the mouse and Lou,

no-one will get hurt, and we'll be
able

to judge whether, should you need to
kill,

whether you'd be able to.

Yeah.
OK. Ready, everyone?

Yeah.

Go and... destroy.

I've got some questions about this
mouse, Lou.
Are we going in a line?

Yes, I think so.
Please conga away.

Jamali, come on.
Come on, Jamali.
Join in!

No-one is going to think badly of
you for joining in and having a
laugh.

In this badge, the comedians will be
tested on their marksmanship.

Their prey will run 300 yards

from point A to point B, and then
back again.

To win a badge, they must
successfully hit their moving
targets.

To make things more interesting,

the prey will be their fellow
comedians dressed as some of the
world's most delicious animals.

Apart from Jamali.

Where's yours?
I'm not doing this.

I'm not... I don't dress up.

Well... OK.

Looks good on you, though.
Yeah?

Can you see?
Not very well.

The strength of a wolf, please.

The roar... Pride of a lion.

Aw, that's perfect.

I mean, by perfect, we both can't
see, right?
Yeah.

Remember, we're the alpha king and
queen.

Don't alphas just leave each
other... Just hump each other.

Better get on your back.

Good luck, Kerry.
Thank you very
much.

I'm Rudolph!

Why would anyone shoot Rudolph?!

First up, Ed and Lou will be
hunting Jess and Jamali.

OK, are you ready to hunt?
Yeah,
shoot to kill.
Ready.

Your prey are a giant rabbit and a
normal-sized person.

They're going to run back and forth.

The more times you hit them with
paintballs,

the better at hunting I will decide
you are, the more likely you are to
get a badge.

Is this how you hold a gun?

Do I go like that?
Uh, I wouldn't,

but I would also get your hand off
the trigger now.

Do not hide behind me.
I'm not going
to.

I should hide behind you. You're
bigger.
No, no, no, no, no.
Jamali...

Absolutely not.

God, I'm actually genuinely quite
nervous.

I can't believe you're just sending
me out there like bait.

OK, I'm going to count you in.
Three, two, one...

Go!
Agghhh!

SHE CONTINUES TO SCREAM

FIRING

Whoooooo!

FIRING CONTINUES

SCREAMING

You're hit?
Yeah!

Did you hurt?
Did you hurt?!

Was that me?
Coo-ee, did you hurt?

Get ready, because they're going to
come back, and we're going to
absolutely obliterate them.

Coo-ee, could you come back, please?

Three, two...

Run! Go!

Jamali! Oh, my God, Jamali!

You've hung me out to dry!

FIRING

Ouch, fucking hell!
I got one.

Definitely...

Ha ha ha ha!

Fuck!

I can't see, Jamali!

I can't see. Don't shoot.

Were you orange?
Yeah.
I think you
got loads.

One on his bum, no harm done, Ed.

Well, as you can see there, there is
a trained lion and a wolf,

played by Lou and Ed.

Really harsh?
What, hunting?
I
thought this was a camping
programme. I thought I'd be camping.

Yeah, and killing wildlife.

You have to have protein.

What are we waiting for?

Now, OK, so I'm going to count you
in.

Three, two, one...

Let the hunt begin.

Let's not kill the animals.
Don't
kill the animals.

I am a vegetarian.

Run free, animals. I'm not going to
shoot you. I'm shooting up in the
air.

Run free.

FIRING

Go.
I can't kill you. Go, quick.

Don't be scared.
We're not going to
hurt you.

We didn't get them once.
Didn't get
them once.

I got loads on that tree.
I'm the
yellow one. That's me.

Oh!

You were not the yellow one!

That was, on their part, pathetic.

Good luck, Kerry.
Thank you very
much.

I'm just going to make it over as
quick as possible.

Hang on, they're all falling out.
That's no good.

My ammo.
You want that to be
splattered against Toussaint's arse.

Yes, I do.
That's what that's for.

SHE SIGHS
I'm glad somebody else said it.

Don't be scared. That's what they
want. They want you to run.

I am scared. Oh, I'm going to
sneeze.

Jamali is actually going to mark
us.

Are you ready?
Yeah!
The more times
you hit them the better.

Do your best. Three, two...

...one, kill!

OK.

LAUGHTER

SHE SHOUTS HYSTERICALLY

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

OUCH!

SHE SCREAMS

Sorry. Sorry.

I come in peace.

Mate...
Don't shoot.

I'm a pacifist.
Oh, I know.

I'm sorry, but pacifism's not
working round here, Toussaint.

I think I just got his balls.
I hit
him in the dick.

I'll go back.
Kerry's coming back
now.

Go back!

SHE SCREAMS

Ouch, ouch, ouch!

SCREAMS

This is absolutely horrible.

Peace and love.

Sorry, Toussaint. There's no peace
in the... in the forest.

I didn't enjoy that at all.

Did you get hit?
Yeah, I got marked.

I got hit quite a lot.

One hit me on the arse. Stings like
fuck!

We hit Toussaint a thousand times.
That was outrageous.

Awful. Awful bloody business, war,
isn't it?

HE LAUGHS

Got to come up with a religion. A
deity.

Let's make it Lou.
We don't chat for
one minute, and make Lou a god.

ALL SQUAWK

Who wouldn't love doing that?!

Welcome. Hello.
Hello.
I've brought
you to this strange bit of the
forest.

And this is a badge that you're all
going to work on together.

Ooh!
Big team thing, here comes the
laminate.

The vast majority of human societies
have a religion.

It can help a community navigate
tough times.

To earn your camp deity badge,

you must choose a camp deity,

and the rituals you would enforce in
your newly built society.

You must create a religious holiday,
and explain what you will do to gain
followers.

So, basically, you've got to come up
with a religion,

a deity, or deities.

What do you reckon? Any initial
thoughts?

Something fun, you know, like
Bacchus.

What's Bacchus?
Bacchus was, like,
the god of wine.

Yeah.
Wine guy. He seemed like he
was always having a good time in the
paintings, you know what I mean?

Something with no hell.
No hell?

No consequences to your actions.
That'd get people.

How do you feel about polyamory?

I'm fine with that.

Guys...

Some nice, positive ideas coming
through already.

Something with sleeping.
Something
a bit like sleeping.

Something a bit like Bacchus,
something with no hell. Polyamory.

Mormons. We could all be Mormons.

Kerry, we're not picking one that
exists.
We create our own.

We could model it on Mormons.
No,
no, no.

Let's create one from scratch.
Could
have Mormons, and mix Mormons and
Bacchus.

And no hell.
How about we come up
with the religion, and Kerry's a
Mormon?

I want to be a Mormon.
Maybe you're
going to invent a religion,

and it's going to split before you
even get to pitch it to me.

Those who want to have sex with
Jamali, and those who don't.

There's going to be a lot of people
in my party.

I'm going to leave you to
deliberate.

And I want you to pitch your
religion to me this evening.

You'll get a badge if I like it,
and maybe I'll become your first
follower.

Are you ready to start your
deliberations?
Yes.
Brilliant.

I'll see you later.
Thank you,
David.

Bye.
Is there any chance...?

Where are you going?
Going to the
toilet...

I find religion fascinating. I'm not
religious, but I'm not an atheist.

I'm a sort of agnostic. I WISH I
totally believed in a god.

I sort hope for a God, it would be
really comforting.

I want that solace at the moment of
expiring.

Almost all human societies have had
that.

That's how we get through all the
shit.

I'd think in a post-apocalyptic
society where you're suddenly living

in a wood, and your iPhone is just
something you can crack a nut with,

then you're going to need something
other to cling to,

and you're going to have to find a
way to believe in it.

It would be quite easy, wouldn't it,
to make one of us into a deity?

Oh, my God, are we basing it on me?

No, I don't think that came up.

We can.
That's what I heard everyone
say.

Let's make it Lou. We could dress
you up with all the gear.

And then sort of...
I can't believe
you're falling for this.

But what's the alternative, Ed?!
Literally anything else, Kerry.

Give me an alternative.
We don't
chat for one minute, and make Lou a
god.

Religion used to be based around
things that people needed to happen.

Like, fertility.
Yeah.

I love the way you...

Um, no, like, harvesting...

What do we need?
What about
something the opposite of that?

There's too many people, so what
about, like, a condom god.

A Johnny god.
Johnny god.

Johnny GOD.
But if we do it as Dr
Goodtimes,

the Johnnies can be a part of that.

Who's Dr Goodtimes? Who's that?

Yeah, Lou, what you've done there is
you've had eight thoughts in your
head,

and then told us the end of them.

Who's Dr Goodtimes?
Like, the God of
good times, because everyone needs
to have fun.

Why are they a doctor if they're a
god?

Because they're so good at good
times, they got a diploma.

We do need good times.

I like Dr Goodtimes.
Dr Goodtimes is
a good name for a deity.

OK, so...
The twist is she's a
woman. And a doctor!

What I'm looking for is a coherent
belief system

that offers you something, so it's
all very well they say Bacchus,

"Great, let's get pissed and
everything".

If it seems to be too good to be
true, people won't buy it.

Whereas the big religions, they
have reward, they have threat.

Jeopardy and opportunity.

Like a good sitcom, and that's what
they need to deliver,

and I want something that will...

that will give me faith, that's the
key thing.

Faith is powerful, and it's
comforting, like a duvet that lasts
forever.

Maybe, on the holy festival days,

you go and see the priest, or
whoever's representing Dr Goodtimes,

and you get a prescription for a
certain good time.

That's lovely. And is there
compliments coming out of his butt
again?

I'm fully on-board with compliments
coming out of our deity's bum.
Yeah.

Like, you go and see the deity, and
she's like,

"Here we go." She wiggles, and it
comes out like an egg.

Ooh, that's sick. Comes out like an
egg.
Eggs are always good in
religion.

They represent fertility.
Yeah.

There was a witch called Elizabeth
Bateman

in Yorkshire that used to pretend
she was a Yorkshire pudding!

Was she was a witch, or was she just
a feminist?

Did you go to school with her?

Eggs used to come out of the chicken
that she had,

and they used to have prophesies on
them.

But obviously, she was writing on
the eggs, and shoving them back up
the chicken.

I just wonder if maybe this is a
chicken god...?

What if we build a nest, and that's
kind of what people pray to,

and like -
And then... Because then
the holiday can be egg related.

Place of worship is in a tree.

Where chickens live. Up a tree.

And where do people go to worship?
Jerusalem.

Right.

Or Lewisham.
Or Lewisham.

I like Lewisham better.
It's very
unpractical.

No, you can get there on Docklands
now.

We need to recruit David to our
religion.

Everyone likes compliments. That's
how you get followers.

You know you're going to get a
compliment.

Dr Goodtimes prescribes a good time
with the egg

that comes out the chicken's cloaca.

What did you say? Croaca?
Cloaca.

Is that the actual name for a
chicken's -
It's just got one hole
for everything.

Really? I can't believe you know
chicken anatomy.
How do you know
that?

I fuck a lot of chickens.

Yes, Ed!

It's just clean and simple, right?

It's a chicken that lays an egg with
a compliment on it called Dr
Goodtimes.

Yeah.
You all worship at your own
personal nest.

Yep.

That's a god I can get on-board
with. Eggs, all right.

Lou, can you remember all that for
pitching to David?

LAUGHTER

The teams will be trying to recruit
me to their religion

later on this evening.

Would anyone like some red wine?
Yes, please.

Yes, for the love of God, please.

I've got paintball in my hiking
boot.

And it looks like diarrhoea shit.

It did make me feel like an animal.
Dressed as a rabbit?

Dressed as a rabbit, then.
Now you
know how they feel, don't you?

Tomorrow, it's just the drink your
own piss badge.

Yeah.
Have you ever done that?
No.

I look like the sort that would,
don't I?
You do, yeah.

Hello, I'm Louise, and I drink my
own urine.

For a badge, which one would drink
your own piss?

Again, I'll...
At this stage, I'd do
that for a badge.

I wouldn't, actually.
You need all
the help you can get.

We're only two behind, all right?
Well, we're definitely not going to
get the hunting badge.

You definitely will.
Only one glug
away from a badge.

OK, best experiences, if you could.

I've had a great experience filming
this show.

The best experience for me has been
getting to know you guys.

ALL: Aw!

That's what camping does.
Psych.

I really liked when they gave us
that knife. That was pretty fun.

Different reactions.

I do like this bit.

I like it when we all get to be
together. As much as I love being
with my man...

Yeah.
I do like it when we get time
to just chill out.

Night time is nice.
Yeah, night time
is nice. What, when it's quiet?

When you're asleep!
When you're
asleep.

She's sleeping, and there's like a
moment...
That's when you really
come to life.

Yeah. It's when I start looking
everyone in their eyes again.

There's like a moment I can hear her
sleeping, and it goes...

INHALES

And it's like, no breath out, and I
go...

There's not even a word. If she
breathes out again, I get sad again.

I have to say, Jamali,

it's been a real rollercoaster in
terms of my self-esteem.

But I KNOW that you love me really, now.

We still have to sell our religion
tonight.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.
So he was a chicken that
is a woman

that shits out compliments from its
arse that are on eggs.

When we do the ritual of that, and
squat down,

are we saying squat over a mirror,
and check your giblets?

JIB-lets. Or are we not?

You said that, and obviously we all
think, "No, we're not saying that."

But regardless of what we say now,
that's going to come out of your
mouth.

I'm going to stop myself.
OK,
you're not.

You never stop yourself.
You won't
stop yourself!

This is one thing I've learned about
you, Lou.

Earlier in the day you say things,
and we both agree you shouldn't say
them.

Then it's the first thing you say
when we get in there.

This is definitely how religion
happened.

People shouting by a fire.
It was
just a bunch of absolute pricks
round the campfire

just riffing, saying shit, coming up
with rules.

I think we're finished.

We've nailed that.
SQUAWKS

Teams? You need to give me a reason
to believe.

Have you ever done paintballing?
No.

It really hurts.
Well, that's why I
haven't done it.

The whole thing just reminded you of
all the stag dos you've said no to.

The sun is setting on the
penultimate day in the woods.

Today the teams have taken the
phrase the blind leading the blind

to its extreme...

He's dead. I dispatched him.
Wow.

...discovered their inner warrior...

We're not going to hurt you.
That
was pathetic.

...and made up an entire religion in
about 20 minutes.

It's a chicken that lays an egg with
a compliment on it.

It's just clean and simple, right?

But did they do enough to win a
coveted badge?

Team? Will you please stop hanging
around there, and start hanging
around here?

Hey!
Welcome, Outsiders.

If you're having half as much fun as
you look like you're having,

then we've invented a whole new
level of unhappiness.

There's only one day to go. Kerry
and Toussaint, you're on eight
badges.

Joint lead. How does that feel?
Me
and Kerry are kind of like the
guacamole of the group.

We're better than we look. I said it
would be great if,

at the end, we could have the badges
on, like, a sachet.

And then Kerry pointed out that that
was a packet of sauce.

Yeah.
You could fit ours on a
sachet.

Right, now it's time to pass
judgement, and see which pairing

wins which badges, and we're going
to start

with the big team joint one.

The Camp Deity badge.

Shall I kick off, and I'm going to
come...

So, we think religions at the
moment,

David, are a bit doom and gloom,
aren't they?

There's too much negativity in them,
and in the wild,

when we've lost society, we need
positivity.

So may I present... They're not
going to come out.

Our deity...

♪ D-R-G-O-O ♪

Look, so we've not planned any of
that.

I said, "I'm going to announce it,
and then I'll come to each of you."

Lou was like, "I'll be quiet,
because I'm not in tonight's bit."

And then she did a song.

D-R-G-O-O... Dr-goo.

Dr Goo... So, it's not Dr Goo.

Can you see why some of my
enthusiasm has slightly ebbed away

over the course of the last five
days?

You can't suddenly sing Dr Goo!

That's not helpful.

Ed, there is an iciness to your
smile now.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's like an
archbishop who's seen a junior
deacon doing a poo.

OK, OK, sorry. I was trying to help.

OK, carry on, Ed.
The name of the
deity is Dr Goodtimes.

Dr Goodtimes is a chicken.

OK.
Dr Goodtimes lays eggs.

And you crack the egg, and you get a
compliment.

The thing is about Dr Goodtimes and
the religion surrounding Dr
Goodtimes

is there's no hell.

So we've got a compliment instead.

Crack that open, there'll be a
compliment inside for you.

And there we go. "Your passion
motivates us."

That's nice.
Thank you very much.

What a lovely thing to receive.
When
someone cracks an egg, and receives
a compliment...

We give thanks to the compliment
with our ritual...

ALL SQUAWK

That was superb. Could you do it
again, please?
Yeah.

ALL SQUAWK

Who wouldn't love doing that?
It is
fun.

It is. Do you want to try it?

You should try it, yeah.
He's
following.

So, you've got to hold it up like...
It's a beak, it's a beak.

When you descend, you let out a nice
little primal...(SQUAWKS).

OK.
ALL SQUAWK

DAVID CLUCKS

You added an extra.
SQUAWKS

I feel I could lay my own compliment
when I do that.

You'll need to ascend a few levels
through the religion.
OK.

It's got a slightly slut drop vibe
to it.
Yeah, I really give it some
slut drop.

A slut drop?
Lou, tell him what a
slut drop is!

Ask your mum.

Mother...

Mother, what's a...

What is a slut drop?

No, right, so Dr Goodtimes.

Goodtimes, yeah.
The hen that lays
eggs with compliments on it.

That's your deity. The place of
worship?
Lewisham.

If you think about it, it sounds
like Jerusalem.

Jamali suggested Jerusalem, and
quick as a flash, Kerry said
Lewisham.

And the national holiday is every
day.

But if you don't want to do every
day, then you can just do Christmas.

I'm loving the positivity. There's
no hell, you can do what you like,

you can take every day off, or just
Christmas.

The thing that I like most is
compliments.

Mm.
That's the thing that religions
haven't cottoned onto.

Yeah.
People love compliments.
They
do.

How do you feel?
I feel good.

Good times.
I think you're ready
to be baptised in a big pool of egg.

I really like this religion.

Badges all round, thanks very much.
Yeah.

Yeah. Badges all round, guys.

Badges all round.
Can't believe
that.

Shut up, Kerry.

The next badge is the sensory
deprivation badge.

Kerry and Toussaint, how do you
think it went for you?

It wasn't my first rodeo, David.

My girlfriend once spiced things up
in the bedroom by blindfolding me,

and giving me a bit of string, just
so I knew where I was going.

It's quite easy to get lost down in
the woods.

So, she took you to the woods?
No,
that's a euphemism for a vagina,
David.

Oh, goodness me.

I did walk into a tree at one point.

That was a bit of drama.

Girls love drama, don't we?

What are we like?

What are we like?
And then I got
over it.

There was one bit where there was a
log, and we had to climb over.

Jess wouldn't climb over it.
I
couldn't see, Jamali.

I didn't know how far down it was
going to drop.

The production has took twists and
turns, but I don't think they're
going to make us jump off a cliff.

Well, Ed also was standing on a log
perhaps six inches from the ground

imagining a ravine.

It is a good job we weren't
together.
It would have been a...

Currently it is a nightmare anyway,
so...

I was going to give you all badges,

but I have to disqualify Jess and
Jamali...

Why?
For murder.

Not again, Jamali!

I thought you were already dead.

Earlier in the week,

David Mitchell died at your hands in
a way that could be

interpreted as manslaughter, or even
mercy.

But on this occasion, there was no
doubt. You took a prone David
Mitchell,

and threw him aside, where fell to
bits, and died of exposure.

And cracked his neck.

To be fair, Jess did say to me,

"Jamali, there's someone in the
tent!"

Then she goes, "Deal with it", and I
just threw him out.

But it...

I know I give across the attitude
like I don't care, but I would
really like a badge.

Aw!
No, not aw!

He did a murder.

He did survival.

David?
I'd love to argue they get a
badge, but it looks like David's
made up his mind.

I have made up my mind, and I'm
going to give badges

to Kerry and Toussaint...

Ed and Lou, but not on this
occasion...

We've really fallen behind because
of the murder now, Jamali.

I think I might be turning on you.

The final badge, the hunting badge.

Lou.
Yes?
As a vegan, how did you
find the experience?

It was a great day out, really. But
I would feel bad, because Toussaint
and Kerry didn't shoot us.

I found it quite triggering, because
I used to be

a children's entertainer, and I had
to wear a zip suit.

Yeah.
Do you mean you dressed as a
massive zip to entertain children?

They call them zip suits.
That's
very odd they call them zip suits.

Why name it after the thing that
fastens it?

I'm just going to go home to my lock
building.

I had to wear one of those. I had
to be a mouse.

You had to go in through the
tradesman's entrance.

I didn't want to shoot my former
self.

You thought... Yes.
I just saw these
out-of-work actors running through a
wood.

That's exactly what you saw.

Toussaint aimed into the sky, and
killed three owls.

Can you talk us through what you
were doing later, when you were
being shot at?

So, I was dressed as a lobster.

Yes.
And my lobster was called
Martin Lobster King.

And I believed in peaceful,
non-violent action,

which Jamali and Jess happily...
shot at.

I was saying...
We named him viable.

We named him.... Are you mad, bruv?
You were just standing there, bruv.

Jamali and Jess, how do you feel you
worked as a team when you were
under fire?

I honestly have no idea, because I
could barely see.

Do you not know what happened?

No, I don't know.
Oh, my goodness.

Basically...
No, Jamali.

From my perspective, from my
perspective...

Going to tell a lie for comical
effect. This is what actually
happened.

It isn't funny.
OK.
Is...

Jess said to me, "Jamali, don't
leave me."

"Of course I won't leave you."

I said, "Run, Jess", and she ran,
and I slipped,

so I couldn't run behind her,

and so I left a gap while she was
getting hit.

Can I tell you... Can I tell you
what it looked like?

I thought you pretended to run so
she started to run,

and then you went back to safety.

That's exactly what happened.

Genuinely exactly what happened.

Why? Why does that help us?

Because they're all hitting you, so
I can do my Forrest Gump run.

And get out of there.
Unbelievable.

Again, that shows great inner
survival ruthlessness.

And on this occasion, it's not
murder.

Have you ever done paintballing?

No.
It really hurts.
Well, that's
why I haven't done it.

Surely that whole thing just
reminded you of all the stag dos
you've said no to.

LAUGHTER

So, Ed and Lou, you got nine hits.

Kerry and Toussaint, zero.
Zero, yeah.

Jamali and Jess, 25.

Wow.
I am happy to give badges to
Jamali and Jess, and Ed and Lou.

But not to Toussaint and Kerry.
Fair
enough.

At the end of day five of this
ordeal,

Jamali and Jess, you have two
badges,

Kerry and Toussaint, you have two
badges,

and Ed and Lou, you're on the
comeback trail.

You've got all three badges!
Yes!

Which means, at the end of day five,
the overall scores are...

Jess and Jamali, ten badges.

Kerry and Toussaint, ten badges.
Yes!

Just behind, Ed and Lou, nine
badges.

Wow!

There's still... everything to play
for.

Everything. Oh, I've just had a
text from my wife.

The underfloor heating in the
bathroom won't turn off.

Can you believe it? It's just so
warm.

Night-night.
Night, David.

ALL SQUAWK

To earn your shepherding badge, you
must learn to herd.

Off to chicken cottage.
I'm just a
pig farmer now, basically.

I want this badge, David, I want it!

Final badge that will decide the
series, and it's done quite simply
on time.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media