Original subtitles

The great outdoors - picturesque, peaceful, unspoiled.

Well, it's not for me.

It's all very pleasant viewed through a gastropub window,

but without the buildings, it gets disgusting very quickly.

Just look at Glastonbury.

Still, some people love it,

and I'm challenging six comedians to prove that they can survive in it.

For the next week, this forest will be their home.

Nettles! Neighbour? Hello.

Each day, they'll be working in pairs...

I've never been camping before.

The closest I've come to roughing it is buying own-brand ketchup.

...learning vital skills...

Is it a sex aid?

It's not a sex aid. OK.

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now in there.

...and competing for badges.

That's big boy stuff.

Will they be equipped to survive postapocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms and a bottle of tequila,

so, yes, I've got the right gear.

I'm already missing the sound of the city.

Where's... where's all the car horns?

Will they crumble under the pressure?

You're going to annoy me so much.

And you think you're going to be a treat?

I was in the Brownies but I got kicked out for wetting myself,

so this whole environment could be quite triggering for me, really.

Or will they be naturals?

See the guy who taught Bear Grylls how to survive and that?

I taught him.

Oh, God. Yeah, it really is easy to cut your leg off.

Comedians wouldn't know one end of an axe from the other,

which for axes, I believe, is absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think they'll last ten minutes

without ordering a pizza.

And each evening, I'll summon them to my HQ...

Please, approach the Temple of Doubt.

...to give them my verdict.

I think you did the job. You get the badge.

Yes. Yes!

Welcome to Outsiders.

Do squirrels carry hepatitis, does anyone know?

It's Day Four and my taxi driver was very pro-Brexit.

Very.

Morning. Morning, it's so lovely.

It's really nice today.

We're past the halfway point, and Ed and Lou have four badges,

but Kerry and Toussaint

and Jess and Jamali are joint leaders with six each.

Time to sit and bask in the glory.

I mean, listen to that.

The birds can piss off.

Jamali.

Birds can't piss off.

I mean, that is such an amazing sound.

It's incredible. I wish I was deaf.

Ah-ha!

Do you know what I did?

I put on a full face of make-up, before you got here.

And Ed, I noticed you haven't put any make-up on today.

No, I'm doing things properly.

Ready... Properly in the wild,

by looking more and more disgusting each day.

Did you sleep well?

No, did you? No, no, no.

You lie awake all night, listening to sounds... Yeah.

...and worrying that somehow, a tiger's going to get in.

Do you like tea with or without bugs?

I don't mind it without, but if one pops in, I'm not going to complain.

Well, it's nice to see you formally at this bench, isn't it?

Well, it's lovely to see you but I'm just going to let you know

that my bowels operate on a strict time system,

and I'm going to have to pop off shortly.

Hello.

Here he is. Oh, hello, David!

Good morning, all.

ALL: Morning. You look like you've never lain down before.

Well, I may never lie down again.

Now, here's the laminate.

Shelter is one of the key elements to survival.

It can protect you from heat, cold wind and rain.

To earn your bivouac badge,

you must build a natural shelter using materials found in the woods.

Your shelter must be waterproof...

...as far as possible, and be big enough to accommodate two people.

Oh, yes, couples' huts. Finally!

We're moving in together, Jamali. Oh, fuck.

So, you need to build it out of stuff like this.

Find a good area and waterproof, if you can, which you can't, but try.

But have fun. But have fun!

Oh, God, yeah. Have fun.

Right, so all clear?

ALL: Yeah. Off we go! OK.

I think this might be the spot, Lou. Yeah, hack it down, yeah.

No, no, no. No hack down.

This could be a good...

...lean-to.

That's a lovely lean-to.

We could just drape everything over that, look.

We just live under here. I love it.

KERRY: The only structures I've ever made are gardening tepees

for runner beans.

For runner beans? You heard of runner beans?

I've not heard of runner beans. What do you mean?

That's good. Which side are we building it?

Do you want to do the sloping side here?

Yeah, both. Like a tent. But that's quite a lot of work,

when we could just do it one side, and then, we've got the shelter.

Yeah, but it's better, if it's two, no? No.

Here, Jamali. Is that for more...?

Cos, like, are we going to put this whole?

Oh, OK, I get you. I get you.

We're just leaning, right? Right now is the leaning...

The first thing we need to do is lean.

I thought you had a GNVQ in Construction. I do.

HE LAUGHS

Hmm. How do we...? Think it goes like this?

But we need it to have enough space for two of us.

You see all this leaves bit, here?

This is going to be... Yeah, we need branches first before leaves, babes.

But we're going to do double-layered, innit.

Yeah, all right. Well, what are you going to do?

I seem to be doing literally all the heavy-lifting here.

The alpha male is not so alpha

when there's actual hard work to do.

Did David say, "One of you, just watch"? No, he didn't.

Well, no, I'm trying to work out if this is good or not,

and I've sort of come to the conclusion it's not.

This is plenty of room.

The kitchen's there.

The bedroom's there.

This is a desirable... The living room's here. ...studio flat.

This would go for, like, 300 grand in London.

No, stop...

If you put more sticks on, it's going to collapse.

It's not going to collapse.

If you make it collapse, we ain't sharing it

and I'll be asking for a forest divorce.

This is absolutely not how you're supposed to make a shelter.

You're just rebuilding a tree, lying down.

Incoming.

I'm going to think of how I can build a roof.

This is the roof, so we go in there.

It's utterly shit is what it is.

Look, well, it's something, isn't it?

Do you think they mind that you're just cutting the forest down?

That's big-boy stuff.

Sorry, trees.

Log on. Log off.

It's like Karate Kid.

Ay-ya! ED: Right. All done?

We need something else to put over it

to make it waterproof, don't we? Yeah.

Let's set it on fire.

JAMALI: You need to waterproof it.

How are we going to waterproof it? We...

You waterproof it with the leaves?

There, you see that? That's waterproofing, right there.

Well, we're going to die of exposure tonight, aren't we?

HE WHISPERS Can I change teams? What?

Nothing.

How long does it take for builders? Like, a year to build a house?

They say three months,

and then they're still in your house 12 months later,

and then it ends up with one bloke and a bit sandpaper.

I just find it a bit boring, actually, Jamali.

Yeah? Yeah, I'd just rather do, like, the interior design bit.

Let's mark out...

Yeah? ...a garden area.

Oh, I like that.

It's kind of like a drive.

Yes! It's got a drive. A drive!

I really don't want to be wearing this.

Oh yeah, come on.

Now you've got to put one on me. HE SIGHS

I can't see us getting a badge for this, but...

No, but the weather's nice.

Yeah, we're having a nice day out. We're having a nice day.

It's good to be with your friend.

I think, for now, that's going to have to do.

Fucking... your crown's attacking me.

Hi. Hi, David.

Hi, how's it gone? I'm all right.

Well, fine, but Jamali won't wear his crown.

Some thing in the crown bit me. It's how we were going to signal

to the rest of the forest that we're the leaders of the pack.

I see. And that's... I like... Oh, goodness, that's a...

Yeah, and that, as well. That's the waiter's friend again, isn't it?

OK, I think... Oh! ...that you can't...

That's nice action! Right? Yeah, yeah.

It's a harmless flick saw.

Hello. Welcome, David, to our humble home.

Well, you've stacked all the materials, ready to be used.

When are you going to build a shelter?

You! Sod off, you. Oh... DAVID CHUCKLES

Oh, I like this a lot.

This is even more, um,

House At Pooh Corner.

We want to make sure that our house

really kind of fits in with the environment.

It's a conservation area. It's camouflaged, as well.

Well, I will say it's quite open-plan.

Yeah. Because that's modern.

Yeah. It's saying bring the indoors out,

and don't worry about either. Yeah.

Yes, I mean, certainly, it's airy, it's... You're getting the benefit

of the outdoors. Yes.

It's south-facing. Yeah. So, you can put the garden in the South.

I see, yeah. What were you hoping for, then?

Well, I'm hoping for something that would keep the elements out,

rather than invite them in.

I like the use of, yeah, the loose... Because that...

You like... you like the use of the leaves?

I like the use of the green leaves, yeah. Do you?

You like that part? In what way? Yeah, I do like that.

Is that aesthetically, or...? I like it aesthetically, yes.

And practically. Practically, I think, because I've noticed,

when it rains in the forest... Mm.

Now I'm such a woodsman myself, yeah.

I've noticed when you're under a tree and it's raining,

it really stops the rain. Yeah.

Those live leaves, they're doing something.

You've used comparatively little greenery.

Comparatively to what? To the other two. OK.

The thing is we have to test whether it's waterproof.

Yeah, but the green doesn't mean waterproof. Well, it might help.

Have you been round the back, David?

Yes, there is a bit more there, on the side.

So, if the rain came in... Yeah. ...entirely horizontally,

that would be fine.

My concerns for it are for the rain falling down either vertically

or, horror of horrors, slightly at this angle.

It's waterproof. Is it? Yes.

Let's see. OK.

I'm getting the rain machine.

KERRY: Oh, it's quite a big rainmaker.

It's a hose, is what it is. As long as it's not jet. Right.

I don't want to get... No! I don't want to get...

I'm not doing it over you yet. You just did! Did I?

Oh, I didn't mean to.

I can feel a rain storm coming.

Ready? Off we go.

Hello! It's completely dry. Oh, hello! What?

Oh, someone's dry.

Dry? Still dry? Someone's very dry, David.

HE LAUGHS Completely dry.

Completely dry? Yes!

How's it going?

Any drippage? No. No. It's working.

Maybe it's too fine a mist.

No, it's coming in. No, it's fine. I'm lying. Oh, is it coming in now?

It's fine, yeah. Yeah, I'm lying. It's coming in a bit.

It's coming in. Yeah?

I think I'm willing to concede that this isn't very waterproof.

Argh! I think we get the point? I mean, it's twigs and leaves.

Of course it isn't waterproof. You need tiles.

All right, ready? Off we go.

LOU: No, not feeling a thing. ED: Could you turn the hose on

because we've got to get this filmed.

I can see water landing on you.

Can you still not feel any water? No.

Stick this on Rightmove.

This is sort of... I feel like you're... This is premium.

...I'm torturing you, and you're refusing to confess.

I tell you, I've got a wet shirt up to the elbow.

Should come to our shelter. Get in here, David,

and then you'll be dry. Shall I turn on the full rain machine?

Yeah, it doesn't matter. Yeah, finally, once and for all,

turn the hose on. Oh, blimey! Still nothing? Nothing, no. No.

No? Genuinely, nothing.

Oh, this is a remarkable shelter.

The only thing drier than me right now is your humour.

Very good. Seems that your shelter is entirely waterproof.

See you later, then.

And the thing is, David, we deliberately wore white T-shirts

so you can tell if it's wet.

And as you can see...

...dry as a bone. Oh, guys.

Want to scream, I want to scream.

Aaaaargh!

Hoping that one of the rounds

is a fight to the death, terror-dome style. Me, too.

SHE SCREAMS AND LAUGHS

No more swing.

Hello, everyone. Hello. Lovely walking.

Really natural. I thought I'd walk halfway past you and then stop.

LAUGHTER

Right, here we go. "Just because you are living in the great outdoors,

"it doesn't mean you have to give up all your creature comforts.

"To earn your Camp Gadget badge,

"you must build an addition to your camp area,

"using sticks and rope." Oh, no.

"You must justify how your camp gadget will enhance

"your experience in camp."

Well, it's going to be another weapon, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

I'm really looking forward to seeing what you make and hope it will be...

Are you really looking forward to it?

I am, sincerely, slightly looking forward to it.

Excellent. Can I just say, with the two buttons undone,

you're so much more relaxed.

Mm. It's really nice to see. Thank you.

You look like a little sprite today.

Yes, I think I'm responding to the earth, I've had...

...I've had an erection all day.

Fortunately, my penis is so small you can't tell.

Once again, I fail to end the bit. ED: See, this...

Do the next... do the thing! This is not... Shut up, shut up!

Right. Camp gadget.

Yes.

I was thinking let's sort some sort of alarm system,

cos comfort is sometimes feeling safe.

Security. Security. Comfort is security.

Shall we make a car?

So, I think a car's ambitious. A jeep!

We've got an hour, and we've only got sticks.

We could make a shoe-scraper,

a cooking crane,

hot-pot handle. But we don't need any of that.

So we set up a perimeter, like, trip wire...

Yeah. ...that's attached to pots and pans.

Yeah. And then, if there's any intruders,

dingle-dingle-dingle, down you go.

And could there be, like, a pit to catch them, as well,

like a, you know, a hole, like, a... Maybe.

Something which isn't just about surviving,

but about thriving, OK?

Is it a sex aid?

It's not a sex aid.

This is the best part of the whole trip.

Just here.

Because I know that, with this,

I could survive out here.

Jamali... Yeah.

I think I'm falling in love with you. Yeah?

It's really doing it for you, isn't it?

Picture this - one stick here,

one stick there.

There's one stick across.

Now, what could you do with that that's fun?

I'll give you a clue. ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da... ♪

Limbo. Limbo, exactly.

So, we're limbo-ing? Limbo-ing!

Your arm-flailing would knock down the structure you just mimed.

My technique needs work.

It's er... ambitious for us when we've seen our track record.

Lou? Yeah.

Everything is ambitious for us. Mm, OK.

OK, should I add some more...?

I'll tell you what would be ambitious for us as a gadget -

a handful of leaves. SHE LAUGHS

And the other area I think we could have a gadget

is mental health, right?

Because camp life is stressful, isn't it? Yes.

And you need to have a way of kind of getting rid of that stress.

Sex aid.

I know what we should make. What?

Genuinely. Yeah.

A telly. You want to make of telly?

I don't think we should put the saw on there, Lou.

Of course we could. If God doesn't want the saw on there, why...

How are you ruining this already? ...has he given us the perfect hole?

It's literally just started and you've put a saw.... No, no...

Yes, yes. ...cos that's dangerous. It's not dangerous!

It's going to drop off and kill someone!

It's not dangerous, it's clang, clang, clang!

OK, screaming is really good for you.

It's not really acceptable to scream in public.

It's kind of frowned upon. Oh, right.

And you seem a little bit crazy.

So, here's what you do.

So, I'm repressed, I'm repressed.

I want to scream, I want to scream.

I go in here...

Aaaargh!

OK, so what we're basically making is just a square.

Like a Flintstones telly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Doesn't jangle as much as I'd hoped.

Can we change our idea into a tree swing?

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God, I've got the perfect idea.

If it's not this, then I'm not listening to it.

OK, but just, please, listen one time. No.

String on here,

tie it from the tree - rope swing.

Er, no.

We just need to make sure that it stretches... Tight?

...and feels taut. Yeah, yeah.

So that you can properly bury your face into it.

I know that the point is you want to let yourself go. Yeah, yeah.

But you don't want to let yourself go

and then ruin your gadget. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So just, like, gently... Gently nuzzle.

...gently have a panic attack.

Just a gentle little panic attack? Just a gentle little... Yeah.

Is it that you've lumbered me with a cack idea?

What, and you think you're going to be able to build

a serviceable swing, do you, Lou? Well...

You know you think we can do that idea when your idea

was to attach a stool to a piece of rope?

Just watch me fly.

I can't get the knife open.

This is when you're angry.

HE CHUCKLES And this way...

...is afterwards -

what people see.

Oh, Jamali!

Give me two seconds. No!

Don't just do it! Can I just do it?

Because it will take me five seconds to do this?

If we could just work together as a team,

then I wouldn't feel useless.

Why don't you do that, and I'll do the frame?

Not legit. What?

Because you don't know how to do the frame, love.

Oh! Don't call me love

unless you're calling me love in an affectionate way.

Yeah, it was an affectionate way.

Don't call me love in a patronising way.

No, it was an affectionate way.

Fuck, did you just threaten to stab me?

No, I just already had it in my hand, OK? Fucking hell.

Let's have a look at this swing.

Um... So... OK, I didn't have time to tie it

cos you were losing your shit.

SHE LAUGHS

Ow.

Ooh! Hurt yourself? That does chafe.

THEY LAUGH

But like I say, this took me ten seconds.

Imagine what I could have done in the time we took to build that.

Well, maybe we should work on that. Yeah.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE LAUGHS

That's just really... No more swing! SHE LAUGHS

Do you know what we just made, though, on the low-key?

Some sort of hanger-y thing.

We've made a shoe rack.

What are we going to call it? The Let It All Out Gadget.

Just let it all out.

HE SHOUTS Just let it all oooouuuuut!

Why does Toussaint keep shouting?

We'd love to know, actually.

Oh, my God, look at that! That's amazing.

We've made two gadgets in one.

Yeah, and that's sturdy.

Look at that.

What do you want to watch? Let's watch Peep Show.

Hello. Oh, hi! Hi, David.

Don't come any further. OK.

Welcome to our gadget. OK.

What is your gadget? I can...

Ah! Is it to do with the string?

It's to do with the string. It's called a burglar alarm.

What is it? Right. I'm glad you asked such a thing.

Yeah? Living in the wilderness is stressful, right?

There are no therapists in the woods.

A lot of the things in the things are alive. Exactly.

Sometimes you need to let that stress go. Yeah?

This gives you the discreet way of letting it all out.

Holding said gadget up... Yeah. ...and just let it all out.

HE SHOUTS Aaaaaargh!

This looks nice and intricate. Yeah.

Yeah, can you tell what it is?

Is it a TV? It is a TV?

Why don't you stand in front of it?

And then go back, back. Back.

So, am I on it? You're on TV. Oh, yeah! Just pop into the screen.

Oh, look! It's Mark from Peep Show. Mark from Peep Show.

Jeremy, you idiot!

That's my bit of lager.

Oh, my God! That's great! My life is complete.

And to see you nice. That's one of mine, as well.

Do you like swings?

OK, Lou, please. I do like swings. Yeah. It's not a gadget.

There's been an argument.

Were you unable to agree as to whether to make

a burglar alarm or a swing?

We did agree on the burglar alarm,

and then Lou went off and started making a swing.

Obviously, I mean, I'm aware that...

...it doesn't work.

It does. No, it does work. Yeah. We just saw you on TV.

It did work on this occasion.

Jamal... I was watching Live At The Apollo earlier. Yeah.

Jamali did a little tight five.

So you could take it in turns. Yeah.

"Tonight, I'll be on the TV, you'll be watching the TV." Yeah.

That's the... And then, if no-one's there,

you're just watching nature, the best show of them all.

But you know how people bond by slagging off someone else?

Yes, yeah. We'll just slag him off.

Yeah. To bond.

Yes, "Stupid..." Kind of works like, "Liall's got a fat face, hasn't he?"

Yeah. "Liall's a prick." Right?

He's called Liall. Liall! He's called Liall. Good name, so...

Which is an acronym. Yeah. For Let It All... Out.

Let It All Out. Let It All... Silent O.

Yeah, Liall. Liall.

No, I think... I think it's great. Liall's obviously an absolute dick,

and it's great to be able to agree on that.

OK, so we're going to go in our tents, David,

have a nice night's sleep. Yeah?

You're going to be a pervert burglar.

Yeah. OK. Make sure you do walk into it, David.

You're not a very clever burglar. I will walk into it.

Everything's good. PANS CLATTER

Aaaargh! What? Oh.

Pervert alert! Pervert alert!

A very... I mean, that was a good old clang it gave.

Yeah. Yeah, and that's linked

to the Metropolitan Police Force, as well.

Oh, a bug just went in my eyeball.

See... you...f... SHE CHUCKLES

Use Liall. Oh, OK. Get it all out.

Get it all out. Aaaaargh!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

It looked for a moment, the way your head came through,

it looked like Liall was pregnant... OTHERS LAUGH

...and was giving birth. And he birthed me?

Yeah, giving birth to an unhappy comedian.

I will see you later. To give us a badge for it?

Right, but I've got to do a lot of calculating and cogitating.

I feel like, sometimes, it's a bit two-faced, that.

Sometimes, you come here and you say you like something,

and then when it comes to the badge time,

you don't give it to us. Don't slag him off yet.

Yeah, I am quite two-faced. OK, well, fair enough.

That is, you know... In my everyday life,

my policy is just to say yes to everything.

And then, I have a theatrical agent

who then says, "No, he won't do that."

I'll see you later. All right, David. See you later.

OK, bye, David.

I hate to see you leave, but I like to watch you walk away.

OK?

Go away. Leave all your provisions.

Aaaargh!

How do you know everything, Jamali?

Just do, innit.

Have you ever had piles?

I will not be discussing that on camera.

That's a shame.

So, the next badge is the Survival Items badge.

Look at these 20 genuine items that would be useful

in a survival situation,

and they have to pick the ones that they would seize upon first

and say how they would use them to help themselves survive.

I mean, that's...

You could get things out of things with that, couldn't you?

Get the delicious, I don't know, eyeball

out of a dead vole.

Er, chewing gum.

That's just pointless.

That's just a ruined pavement.

And you won't... In a survival situation,

you wouldn't have to ruin pavements any more

because they would have been ruined, you know, by the stone-smashing

of the end times.

So, we've got to turn these household items

into survival items.

OK, so survival items. Shit watch.

Who cares about the time? Yep. Get rid of that.

Is there any that you think, straight away?

We could just take vodka and coke... Yeah.

...and a coffee for the next morning?

That's survival, as far as I'm concerned. Yeah.

Right, let's make weapons then.

So, you get some string.

Yeah? Tie it round a heavy implement.

Right, I'm coming for you now. All right, I'm...

Woooo! Going to break. Oh.

DUCT TAPE THUDS GENTLY

The vodka, because vodka is cleaning.

Yes! Use it for cleaning.

And you can also use it for lighting a fire. Getting...

And getting fucked. What? And getting pissed. Lighting a fire.

How can you light a fire with vodka? You pour it and it's flammable.

How do you know everything, Jamali?

Just do, innit.

I'm in love with you. Thank you.

And I'm going to file for divorce.

You know how the paper clip talks to you?

If people are having troubles, you say, "Hey, what's the matter?"

Mm, I don't... Are there any other uses for a paperclip

other than pretending to be the Microsoft one?

You could make a tiny washing line.

Very tiny washing line. My pants are slightly bigger than that, Lou.

You can get into an iPhone with this.

So, our survival technique is we need to change a SIM card.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Look, tip out the cat litter. I don't really know what that's for.

Cocktail shaker.

Super absorbent... Yeah.

...cat litter.

If you need a wee in the night... Oh, no. ...you go in the cat litter!

Oh, no, we'll put this away. No, I think that...

Prime item for me.

If we was to file this down,

and if we wrap wires around it, and batteries,

it becomes a soldering iron.

Are you serious? The lead becomes a soldering iron,

so you might want... Is that, like... a prison thing?

That's a prison thing.

You could haunt... Haunt the other campers.

"Go away, leave all your provisions!" Ahh!

Glasses, if you want to, sort of, do the "before" shot,

like Sandy from Grease.

Lou, what have you been told that this is, that we're doing now?

Nappy? 100%.

I mean, when camping... you should wear a nappy.

Then you haven't got to get up five times in the night to go to the loo.

Well... What? You know, it's like, oh, David...

I'm practically invisible to David.

Like so... No, that makes you more visible to David, he's like...

IMITATING DAVID: "Oh, one of my kind!" Yeah.

SHE IMITATES DAVID: "Oh, you've read a book."

SHE WHOOPS

I think this will actually... Don't be scared, Toussant!

I'm a little bit... I'm a little bit scared.

So, one, two, three. Give us a badge.

My arms are too long!

We actually can't really hold hands very well.

Hello. Hi there.

Hello. Hi, David.

I like the staff! I think that's great.

Yeah. It's quite Lord of the Rings.

I've got the alpha of the forest.

It's just fantastic.

THEY LAUGH

What ones have you picked?

Voddy. Several uses for this.

Disinfectant, obviously. OK, yeah.

If anyone gets a little eye problem, you can wash it out with the vodka

to make sure you don't get an infection. Are you sure?

Cos I'm not, that that wouldn't blind a person.

It wouldn't be available, if you couldn't put it in your eye.

That's not true! You can't put paper clips in your eye,

and they're available.

Lou, don't mention the putting the paper clip in your eye. OK, fine.

Cocktails and dreams!

So, you have your vodka and your mouthwash mixer,

and then, cocktail shaker.

Is it safe to drink mouthwash?

Yeah. Yes, because it kills 99.9% bacteria, David.

Well, yeah, but so does bleach, and it's not safe to drink bleach.

Have you ever had piles?

I will not be discussing that on camera. That's a shame.

Although somebody once told me, there are two sorts of men -

men who've got piles, and men who are going to get piles.

I count myself proudly as the latter.

You've not had piles? Had piles, no.

You'd scream... SHE LAUGHS

Well, you can put a bit of vodka on the body and clear them up.

You whittle this down, and you wrap a metal around it,

and you hook up to two batteries - it becomes a soldering iron. Wow.

And then, also, once it gets hot with the lead,

you can fucking stab someone in the eye again.

The thing to remember is it's always useful to be able to kill.

I'm hoping that one of the rounds is fight-to-the-death terrordome stuff.

Me, too. Like, you just throw a knife in the ground, and you go...

DAVID LAUGHS

It's really going to escalate as the week goes.

Weapon. Oh, God!

Yes, you can have the badge.

So, that's the can of unspecified fizzy drink... Soda pop.

...wielded in in a tight.

Don't think of badger's coming back from a full hit on the head.

Oh, God, you wouldn't survive it. Yeah.

Nervous? Absolutely!

Cos the elasticity of the hosiery gives it a surprising reach.

The cat litter, David. Yes.

If you put this in a small puddle in a tent, sucking the whole thing up,

you've got a ball of cat litter - you can throw that away.

And also, weapon, throw it at the face.

That's more the, sort of, jar.

We're using the jar, as well.

In a survival situation, you utilise everything.

You don't kill a deer and not use... the neck. Yeah.

This is an all-in-one rain harvesting system.

So, simply open, and the patented absorbent technology,

collects the rainwater.

Then, when you're thirsty, you take it like, this and you go...

That genuinely strikes me as brilliant.

I was worried that Jamali's glasses would break, and then, I would die.

First use of the glasses, genuinely, is to replace Jamal's glasses,

because he's the only person that knows what he's doing. Yeah.

What do you think when you look at this?

You think of the little Microsoft paperclip?

"Oh, it looks like you're trying to write a letter." Go away!

Yeah, yeah. David doesn't like the paperclip.

I don't like the Microsoft Paperclip.

Basically, an American animation knows better than me

how to format my correspondence.

I consider the implication offensive.

OK, reel it in, Lou. OK.

Something fresh in.

You can use this as a zip if you've broken your zipper on the tent.

Or on your trousers.

How can you use this as a zip?

Well, if the little zip's come off the thing, you just hook it on,

then you've got a toggle to pull the zip down with.

Don't they teach you that at Cambridge? No.

Did you imagine they would? I mean, I was reading history.

Can you have...

Day one. "This is what you can do if your zip's broken."

I think I'd have lost academic respect for them.

My idea is that I use stuff that I can then use

to steal other people's stuff.

That's probably how civilisation started, isn't it?

That basically, "Let's not build all the great grain stores

"and the agricultural methods.

"Just get weapons, then let other people build it, and nick it?"

Yeah. I'm not saying it's nice, but there's no doubt that is

the evidence of history, is that that has been a

successful survival technique.

Happy with that? It's insightful. I'm very happy with that.

I'm less happy about what it says about humanity.

We've absolutely regressed.

It's probably a necessary stage in survival, isn't it?

Because otherwise you just, yeah, you just sit there thinking,

you know...

That's absolutely right. Yeah.

Oh, my God! Can we go?

You can go now.

Maybe we should just knock this back and start a family? Yeah.

Jamali has had a frighteningly accurate, dark insight into

the foundations of human culture,

and the economic potency of warfare.

He will win. And probably, because he will be sitting here

deciding who gets the badges.

LOU: OK, do you want to play cuppies? Stone cuppies?

Why have I got the shit stool? Well, that was your stool.

H-How... they're exactly the same.

Well, you took your stool to be a swing. You should have...

SHE LAUGHS

My mom taught me this. That's nice.

That is a dampener.

And then, you just cook it, basically.

You should have that stool.

No, that's your stool, that one. Cos it was the swing, remember?

Rah! Right.

Come on, you must admit the burglar alarm was quite good. In the end.

Well, don't... Oh, sorry, sorry.

Obviously, it's not supposed to be just blackened and charred.

That shelter we built is not much bigger than my girlfriend's flat.

Come on. Genuinely, my girlfriend's flat is, like,

you can be sitting here in the living room,

reach over to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of tea. Yeah.

And, like, if you just go this way, you're in the toilet.

Would you sleep in it? I would sleep in that shelter.

Cos it doesn't have a cat. And I bloody hate that cat.

I wouldn't sleep in it.

What would it need for you to sleep in it? It would be...

It'd need to be in a hot country.

JAMALI: I think the worst place I slept was this hotel room

that was like all red, right?

Erm, no windows.

It had one of them old-school TVs with the big backs.

And in the bed, I found a dreadlock.

SHE LAUGHS

Oi-oi!

Teams!

Will you please stop hanging around there,

and start hanging around here?

It's so bad, it's upsetting me.

Jamali wants whatever ends this the quickest.

THEY LAUGH

As Day Four comes to a close,

the Outsiders have spent the day building a den... No, stop.

If you put one more stick on it, it's going to collapse.

It's not going to collapse.

...making camp gadgets...

ED: Burglar alert!

Oh, look, it's Bob from Peep Show.

Jeremy, you idiot!

That's my bit of lager.

KERRY WHOOPS

...and wielding tights around their heads.

Don't be scared, Toussant!

I'm a little bit scared.

Now it's time to see if it was all worth it.

Teams!

Will you please stop hanging around there,

and start hanging around here?

Welcome, Outsiders.

Come into my warmth and light - but please, don't touch anything.

The time has come to pass judgment on the day's events and see

which pairing wins what badges.

Now, let's start off with Bivouacking.

I'm going to go through these in descending order of competence.

Now, that is Kerry and Toussant's...

That's lovely. ...bivouac. Wow. That is brilliant.

And I have to say, I wouldn't say totally waterproof long-term,

but it was certainly very water-resistant.

That was a working roof. Wow. Yeah. I mean...

That's impressive. Did you not get wet?

No, it was a solid thatch.

We brought two good mixes to the building, because you come

from a home-ownership background, so you were good on design.

I didn't build the house I live in. THEY LAUGH

You were very good on the design.

Like, how to design it, where the sticks should go.

For me, it was the closest I was ever going to get owning a home -

whereas, I think it's about Kerry's second or third property.

So, she wasn't too bad. LAUGHTER

It's lovely that you've now got a nice place in the country.

Now, Jess and Jamali...

Sorry, I thought you said "descending order of competence".

I'm afraid so, yes.

This is Jess and Jamal's - which it's broadly working

as a sheltering shape. Wouldn't you say?

I think it's a bit crap, but it ain't shit.

LAUGHTER

Like, it's a bit crap, but...

A bit crap, but it ain't shit.

But the water got through it a bit, but not entirely.

It was a bit crap, but it wasn't shit. Fair enough.

Lou and Ed's, yours was shit.

THEY LAUGH

What you built was like a fence that was leaning.

It looks like a decent wind-break.

Oh, God, as a wind break?! Absolutely!

Did they get wet? No, not at all. No! We were dry. Bone-dry.

They were absolutely soaking from the first second!

Bone-dry. I would say, if anything,

it sort of gave the water more courage to fall.

Why didn't you build the other half? Listen, listen, listen.

It was for one night, you know, we would've been fine for one night.

I tell you what.

If you will sleep in it tonight - and rain is forecast -

you can get the badge. OK. OK. OK, we will.

Would you really?! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I'm absolutely not going to give you that offer sincerely.

I think you're out of your mind. No, but we would do it!

You cannot! You will die of exposure!

The deers will eat your eyeballs as a little, kind of, canape. No.

But, David, what to do about this badge, then?

Well, I tell you what... OK, it's a good question.

And I've come to a decision. OK.

I'm going to give a badge to Kerry and Toussant.

Well-deserved. Well done.

I'm not going to give any more badges in this round.

Excellent thatching. OK.

Next badge - Survival Items.

Firstly, Ed and Lou, the thing you said about putting vodka

in your eyes as a cleanser... Oh, no. ...that cannot stand.

Vodka is bad for your eyes. We panicked.

Could you put it up your ass?

I'm not under instruction to stop people putting vodka up their arses,

but neither am I confident enough to advocate it.

Let's move on. Yeah.

In general, there was some sound stuff there, I think,

mainly the cat litter.

Kerry and Toussant, I would say a few of your ideas were

a little bit too...

...lifestyle-y for a survival situation.

What's wrong with lifestyle-y?

It's not survival-y. It's a Survival badge.

Then, with the nappy filtering water... Brought it back, right?

Sorry? You brought it back and, as soon as you put that can in

a pair of tights and started wielding it around your head...

You shat yourself, didn't you? ...I knew you meant business.

Speaking of weapons - that was the entire theme of Jess and Jamali's.

THEY LAUGH

Jamali, you know, he sounds really violent,

but who's he protecting?

Me! Jamali, tell me, are you protecting Jess?

Or are you just looking after yourself?

Looking after myself. Yeah. JESS LAUGHS

And Jess is along with the ride. Exactly!

I know that by the end of this week, I'm going to get some eye contact.

Yet I find...

...I get eye contact from Jamali when you grab him like that.

He goes... LAUGHTER

So, that's... I have "help-me" eyes, innit?

You know, eye contact is available, but basically, I think you all

came up with great survival items.

I think you all get a badge!

CHEERS

JAMALI: Eh, I'm not happy with that.

Going into the final badge of the night,

we look at the Camp Gadgets badge.

So, Jess and Jamali, would you like to explain it?

It was a really excellent, excellent gadget. Yeah.

It was... Can you remember what it is?

Shoe rack and TV. Yes, I do remember.

It was a shoe rack and a TV.

We were just going for a TV,

then we realised it was just a shoe rack.

I mean, in a sense, it was a TV. It was a square.

The TV didn't...

But what was on TV when we watched it?

Well! Well, it was possible at one point to see me through it. So...

As a shoe rack, it functioned better than it did as a television. Yeah.

But it looked very much like a television,

considering it was made of sticks.

But was it a gadget? I think it was a...

What was your... gadget?

Yeah, I, sort of, feel like we're not fully...

Was it one of those things for opening wine that plays a tune?

Was it that sort of gadget?

Look at my clenched fists. Yes.

And you might want to back down a bit.

LAUGHTER

Another threat of violence.

Do they get a badge, or not?

They DO get a badge!

Oh, hello! Happy now, are ya?

TOUSSANT: Well done, guys.

Now, Ed and Lou.

Would you like to explain what your gadget was?

It was a burglar alarm. Great.

So, it was a trip wire, and it went all the way around the perimeter

of our camp, attached to a pulley system with pans and stuff on.

And then, when you - the burglar pervert -

walked through the trip wire, the whole thing came down,

and the pans dropped down onto a plastic lid and woke us up.

And we shout "pervert". That's incredible. It's really good.

It was brilliant. Oh, thank you!

It was absolutely great.

And I was successfully repelled, and I had to run off frightened

back to my pervert-y lair.

Yeah, a superb gadget.

You get a badge! Hey! Wow!

But what was the drama, then? I thought there was drama.

When we started doing the burglar alarm, Lou said,

"Actually, this is a terrible idea, I'm going to build a swing,"

and walked off into the woods to make her own swing.

I got quite annoyed, and I ended up pulling my knife out

and chopping down her swing.

I didn't realise you chopped down her swing...

She built it, and then, you chopped it down?

It wasn't built! It was a camping stool hung with two bits of twine...

But she got it up. Yeah, but barely.

She tried to show how it worked.

She could only go on her front, and she nearly broke her pelvis.

The swing was a bit of bloody fun, OK?

Shoot me dead if you don't like a bit of bloody fun.

I heard their row from across the way.

It was very upsetting, wasn't it?

We heard you from across the way. We heard you shouting about tizzles.

Anyway, Ed and Lou, delight in your badge!

Yay! Thank you.

And now, we come to Kerry and Toussant's gadget.

Wow. I think we all need to discuss it.

Oh, God. What?

Perhaps you could talk... everyone through it.

It's a therapeutic gadget. It's a panic room!

So, when you're feeling stressed-out, you run into it,

and then, you scream into...

You'll have to demo it. I'll show you the other side of it.

Oh! And it's called Liall.

Yeah, this is the side you scream out your dissatisfaction

and rage into, and then, it comes through...

It's so bad, it's upsetting me. ...all happy.

LAUGHTER

It's not getting a good sell, really.

So, I'm going to defend it...

See, he did a hard pitch on this. ...as best I can. Defend. Go.

Yelling feels pretty good.

Unfortunately, our society frowns upon such public

verbal demonstrations, right?

So, this is a great way in which you can yell

whilst maintaining your dignity. You know what, Toussant?

I've heard what you've got to say...

LAUGHTER

...and I've got to say that it is still pretty shit.

You could just do it in the woods.

ED: Yeah. There's an argument that you don't need that.

Does it make you seem any more sane

if you're screaming into a T-shirt on an easel?

I think, because it's a gadget which addresses mental health -

to not give it a badge would be very problematic in this current climate.

So, over to you, David. THEY LAUGH

I think it's interesting.

I think it's an expression of what four days in

the forest has done to us.

Should it get a Gadget badge, or should we hold it over

for the Mad Repository For Negative Energy badge?

Give them a badge. Obviously, yous like it.

Jamali wants whatever ends this the quickest.

LAUGHTER

Just looking to Liall's eyes, and just decide.

It's up to you.

No badge.

Ohh! There we go. Done. LAUGHTER

LOU: You've got loads of badges.

So, the scores for the night are...

...you've all got two badges.

So, everything we've done in the last 24 hours has been futile.

The overall scores are as follows.

Jess and Jamali have eight badges.

Kerry and Toussant have eight badges.

Ed and Lou have six badges.

Whoo! We're still in it, baby!

I'm going to get a cab and a Deliveroo to follow it,

and then, a traffic light so they can hand a chicken korma

through the window.

Night-night. 'Night, David!

'Night, David. Night-night.

Yeah, go on. Yes! You want it.

You know you like him, really.

All right. See you later. Bye! Bye, David! Night-night.

Maybe he'll scream into it...

DAVID SCREAMS

Should've got a badge, really.

Should've got a badge.

We've got to come up with a religion. A deity.

Let's make it Lou.

We don't count for one minute, and make Lou a god.

There's a degree of humiliation with these tasks.

You must successfully hit a moving target.

Jamali. Do not hide behind me.

Let the hunt begin!

JESSICA SCREAMS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media