Original subtitles

The great outdoors - picturesque, peaceful, unspoiled.

Well, it's not for me.

It's all very pleasant, viewed through a gastropub window,

but without the buildings, it gets disgusting very quickly.

Just look at Glastonbury.

Still, some people love it, and I'm challenging six comedians

to prove that they can survive in it.

For the next week, this forest will be their home.

Nettles! Neighbour... Hello.

Each day, they'll be working in pairs...

I've never been camping before.

The closest I've come to roughing it is buying own brand catch up.

...learning vital skills...

Go away, leave all your provisions. Argh!

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now in there.

...and competing for badges.

Hi-yah! Right, all done?

Will they be equipped to survive post-apocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms and a bottle of tequila.

So, yes, I've got the right gear.

I'm already missing the sound of the city.

Where's... where's all the car horns?

Will they crumble under the pressure?

Jamali, no. WHISPERS: Can I change teams?

I was in the brownies, but I got kicked out for wetting myself,

so it's just the whole environment could be

quite triggering for me, really.

Or will they be naturals?

You see the guy who Bear Grylls how to survive and that?

I taught him.

Oh, God. No... Yeah, it really is easy to cut your leg off.

Comedians wouldn't know one end of an axe from the other,

which for axes, I believe, is absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think they'll last ten minutes

without ordering a pizza

and each evening I'll summon them to my HQ...

Please approach the Temple of Doubt.

...to give them my verdict.

I think you did the job, you get the badge.

Yes! Yes!

Welcome to Outsiders.

Can I get some hand sanitiser, please?

I think I've brushed against some sort of animal.

It's day three, and I think I had some slightly on the turn

semi-skimmed in my tea.

You all right there, Kerry?

Neighbour... Hello.

Last time, Jess and Jamali stormed into the lead by winning

all three badges, but another day brings more chances to shine,

as it says in the self-help book I'm currently reading.

Get up, Outsiders, you're under contract!

This is making me grumpy because it's so small.

I'm the one that likes camping and I'm coming over

as the grumpy asshole.

HE LAUGHS

And I like... I genuinely like camping.

Do you go into camping shops, Toussaint?

I've never been camping.

How have you never been camping, how have you swerved it?

Because I'm from Lewisham.

We don't go camping.

SHE CHUCKLES

Well, let me tell you... No-one in Lewisham goes camping.

Let me tell you a thing. Let me tell you a thing that you will like.

Camping shops, right? Mm.

They are temples of pleasure.

You can get...

...retractable brooms.

Stools that fold - look at these stools,

they fold up!

You're not into it, are you?

Have you gone to sleep?

Nettles! That looks very unpleasant, David.

Nettles! Yes.

It looks better on camera than if I came a sensible way.

Here we go. Good morning, all.

Good da. Morning, David. Morning. Right.

Are you ready for your next badge?

Oh, yeah! So ready. Yeah, yeah. Yeah?

Being able to blend in with your surroundings

is a vital survival skill.

To earn the camouflage badge, you must camouflage

yourselves and hide.

Once you are hidden, another team will have ten minutes to find you.

The rule of this badge is that one of you must camouflage yourself

using natural materials and I must therefore...

By implication, the other of you can use other things,

like an invisibility cloak or something.

We really picked good outfits.

Good luck hiding. I look forward to not seeing you.

THEY LAUGH

Should we pop off, then? I think we can pop off now.

Pop off. Yeah. Let's pop off. Bye! ALL: Bye.

Going back through the nettles cos it's the right direction

for the cameras.

Doesn't make sense on any other level.

Each team will have 20 minutes to conceal themselves

in their allocated one hectare plot.

Very metric.

Right, Lou. Let's see what we've got in our camouflage sack.

Oh, yeah, hello.

Oh, my God, yes!

You got face... Camo-makeup.

Ooh, look at this. Oh, yeah, that's good.

Yeah, that's good. The Wooky monster!

Can you see me? No.

Can you see me now? No, I can't see you at all.

Shall we take this with and browse our surroundings, or...?

Well, let's browse first. Yeah.

I'd quite like to wear the ghillie suit.

I'd love you to wear the ghillie suit. Thank you.

You've got these... Oh, right. ...which are large.

Oh, they're good. Those... Those are good.

There's a pouch for... That is a... ...for my penis!

Yeah, there's a pouch for your big penis.

Are you past me heaving a sort of log on top of you?

Well, it depends how heavy the old log is

and whether it's going to kill me or not.

Oh, you look like you're in the Marines, mate. Do I?

I'd like to go up a tree and then I could hide in the middle.

Oh, my God.

How naturally good are you at hiding?

If I can just lie down and have a little sleep...

Yeah? Under some bracken, I could be really good at that.

OK. I reckon I could smash that. Yeah.

First, it's up to Lou and Ed to camouflage and hide.

I'm so blended in that even the bracken thinks

I'm part of the bracken.

What we do here, Ed, just cover me and sticky tape

and I'll just go like that.

Are your arms going to be OK?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Now I just roll.

Ow!

Right.

It's not done a huge amount, I'd say.

SHE LAUGHS

Lou, I've collected some foliage for you.

That is very romantic, thank you, Ed.

Good luck, Lou. Good luck, Ed!

Right.

They're never going to find me.

I'm in my tree.

An opportunity for a little me time.

OK, you have ten minutes to find Ed and Lou

in this area... Uh-huh. ...starting now.

So if I just do a quick, can I just wrap

it up and then we can go eat?

Yeah. All right. Perfect. Brilliant.

Pub?

I suppose you just got to get in the head of Ed

and Lou, haven't you?

Hey, Lou, I really want to hear one of your puns.

That'll draw her out.

The trick is to be very quiet.

LOUD FART Ooh, just farted!

This position I'm in, it's absolutely perfect

for stomach crunches.

Oh, hang on. Shh!

I thought I just heard Lou.

With hunt one well under way, it's time for Kerry and Toussaint

to put on their "please ignore me" outfits.

Oh, that is fantastic!

I literally can't see you.

Why have you painted my face?

Oh, my God.

Hm.

LOU WHISPERS: Phew, that was close.

I've become one with the tree.

I think you'll just have to lie down and I'll garnish you.

Oh, God...

There's a log. Right.

Lou-Lou?

Lou?

Oh, shit, they're close.

Look round... Look... You look around there.

Yeah, found Ed. Oh, shit.

Have you actually? Yeah, found Ed here.

SHE LAUGHS Ed's here.

Gamble! Oh, that is such a relief, honestly.

THEY LAUGH I hated that!

Lou?

No, she ain't around here.

You have two minutes remaining.

You see, that's all I am now. Never mind the anecdotes.

I'm just... I'm reduced to Bake Off.

Yeah, I don't think we're going to find her.

Genuinely, I can't find her.

You have 30 seconds!

I was a tree once in a school play,

so you could say I've had a bit of practice.

I'm afraid your time is up.

What?!

Woo!

Yeah! WHISPERING: Suckers!

Oh, shit, she's like right here.

Yes, Lou!

That's so good.

I just tend to just pop myself round.

Wow. You're quite nimble. Good effort!

Ah! Oh.

Well done. Well done. Well done!

Right, I've got to hide myself now.

All right. Thanks, Kerry. Good luck.

With Toussaint now hidden, Kerry has just one minute left

before Ed and Lou are set loose.

No, I've had... I've had an idea. I've had an idea.

Go on, what is it?

Right, we call their names and see if they just naturally answer.

OK. Kerry?! Toussaint?

Kerry? Oh, Toussaint?

OK, right, yeah, let's start here, let's do a big sweep. OK.

Cos we've only got ten minutes. Quick, quick, quick.

OK.

Are they under there?

Excuse me!

Are they under there? Come on, quick.

Come on, here - not there are they? Come on. Quick, quick.

How do you know they're not there?

They're camouflaged, that's the point.

What was that?! This is actually quite relaxing.

Some little bug just bit me.

It's time for our last pair to camouflage themselves.

Do you know what?

Because one of us has to be natural and the other one doesn't...

Yeah. So, I'm thinking, what I'm going to do

is I'm going to dress up as a cameraman.

Oh, Jamali, that's genius!

That... Yeah, yeah, yeah, if you do.... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's such a good idea.

Cos nobody really... No-one knows my clothes.

...nobody really notices the crew anyway.

I generally forgot we were being filmed this whole time.

Right, where are these couple of twots?

The thing is, at this point, we must have walked past them now.

They'll never find me.

I should be in the SAS - the unit that does the hiding,

not the one that does the fighting.

I'm very impressed. Yeah, it's really good.

The couple to be finding no-one are...

I think their technique is to have a very general look,

just to check that they're not just standing there.

You know, they've definitely checked the area for unconcealed people.

Get them, get them, get them! What's that?!

A log! How are you doing, Kerry?

Terribly!

Oh, dear, the body. Don't show me the body.

Jamali!

Oh, right, there's a... There's a... Yeah, a peep-hole.

Oh, my God! Do I look like a bush?

Do you think maybe a bit more bracken on my head?

What's bracken? What's bracken?!

Have we tried everywhere?

Well, I mean, obviously not.

You've got two minutes left.

Oh, shit... What?!

David, not now.

I'm losing heart now.

PIERCING SCREAM

I've got one! Oh, you! Yes!

No!

I've got Kerry. No, no, you haven't!

Yeah, I've got Kerry. Right, let's keep going,

we've only got two minutes. Quick, quick!

Yeah, they've definitely found Kerry.

Get them, get them, get them! What's that?!

A log. One minute!

We haven't been to the end, are you kidding me?!

We have, of course we have. What? I haven't been up here.

They're not going to find him, they're nowhere near him.

30 seconds!

Quick! Get in that bracken.

Oh, yes, I'm going.

He's by that tree.

Is he in there? Oh!

Five...

...four... three...

...two, one.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Time's up.

Where is he? You only found one of us, suckers!

Come and join me.

Toussaint. Well, I mean, remains hidden.

Where could he be? He's under there!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, great. Oh, my God!

I am a tree!

That's so good! I'm a tree!

Jess and Jamali are the last up.

Right, turning over.

Oh, my God. Bloody fire, mate.

Brilliant, Jamali, you look just like one of the crew.

Kerry and Toussaint, you have ten minutes to find them...

Ten minutes, no problem. ...starting now.

Let's go! Right, I'd do for that tree straight away.

We could lure them out, like the child catcher.

Lollipops!

They're like, "This is very Inspector Morse."

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, dear, the body. Don't show me the body.

Would anyone care for a G&T?

Yes, I would murder a G&T, Kerry.

If I could get to my mouth, that is.

Where are you?

They're rubbish. Never going to find me.

Oh, it's hard.

How are you doing, Kerry? Terribly!

Really bad.

Are you hiding here?

Oh, there's something there.

This doesn't look natural. Is it a decoy? Oh, tits!

You got someone?

I've got Jess!

THEY LAUGH

"Oh, Jess, do you want to hide under a pile of leaves

"while everyone films it?"

I'm going to keep looking for Jamali.

Jamali?

Right, if we found Jess in the synthetic outfit...

Have you got him?

There was movement.

He's a lot better at hiding than I thought he'd be,

to be honest.

HUSHED: David, it's Jamali.

HUSHED: Excellent move.

Brilliant.

Look for a beard.

Yeah, he's got a big beard. He'll have camouflaged his beard.

If he's lying down, it might be sticking up.

All these bracken mounds, he's under one of them.

He's definitely under one of these.

I'm worried I'm going to tread on him.

I don't want to step on you, Jamali.

Please reveal yourself for your own safety.

I honestly don't know where he is.

Have I looked here?

Two minutes left!

Two?! Come on, Kerry!

Are you going to put tense music under this bit,

like, to create a sense of time running out?

JESSICA IMITATES TENSE MUSIC

I can do it for you, if you want. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh, oh!

What's in here? What's this?

It's a red jumper! It's a decoy!

LAUGHTER

He's really well hidden!

You have one minute left!

KERRY SCREAMS

He's gone.

Three, two...

Jamali! ...one. Jamali!

How does it feel?

Oh, my God! LAUGHTER

Fair play!

No! Nice.

They weren't paying me enough on the job so I had to pick up another job.

Oh, my God, that's so clever and sneaky!

Very sneaky.

I just shows you how you generally just don't look at any crew.

Guys, I see you.

I see you.

I'll review the team's performance in my HQ later,

but for now, I've got another badge to help keep their minds off things.

For the next badge, I've asked the teams to come up with an anthem

for their camp.

A rallying song that will keep them going when everything's awful

and where the rational thing to do would probably be

to take your own life.

Oh, there's not a grand piano. I want a grand piano. No.

No grand... But I believe this might be the instrument box, Lou.

In terms of musical instruments,

we've provided them with some very basic things.

SHAKER RATTLES

This is dog shit.

Plus, obviously, they have the instruments of nature.

They could find a particularly crackly dead blackbird

or a badger on a stick that you hit against a log.

TAPPING AND RINGING

There'll be a musicality to nature itself.

Or you imprison nightingales and make them do the work for you.

ED HUMS TUNE Come on, then!

Right, this anthem, what sort of thing are we looking to express?

TOUSSAINT MUMBLES

Uh, something powerful about nature.

Nature is powerful.

Nature's cool. Yeah.

Working in a team.

What would be an opening line?

Like, um...

♪ We like the same things and different things as well

♪ Bring us together - that will be swell! ♪

That's actually quite good.

Really rousing language, but then we'll sort of update it.

Yeah. What people really care about.

So, like... ♪ Glory... ♪

That's great. Yeah, "Glory..."

TOUSSAINT: Uh...

What do we really want in life?

Trainers. Trainers.

Marble breakfast tops. Marble breakfast tops.

And then they always just have

Jerusalem thrown in there, don't they?

We'll say Jerusalem. Jerusalem.

And then we haven't got "perish".

LOU: ♪ Grass is green, but there's other colours as well

♪ Bring back our old word - swell. ♪

OK, so we've sort of lost the message now,

and you're just trying to rhyme things with "swell".

KERRY: I go jolly and, like, a little bit batshit.

And you underneath with a kind of baseline...

♪ But be cautious. ♪ Yeah, yeah.

♪ Don't... cry... ♪

♪ Have you touched a pig?

♪ You must confess it! ♪

Why is it now about touching a pig?

We had a really good system that it was going to be about

the strengths and weaknesses

and how animals working together can help in the wild,

and now it's about "don't touch a pig".

Fridge freezer.

Oh, yeah. With an ice maker. Yeah, oh!

With motherfucking ice maker? Motherfucking ice maker.

I'm going to write that down. Yeah, please.

What was it again?

This is really pleasing. BELLS RING

That is really nice.

I'm well out of my comfort zone with this.

We just need more time. This is like a prepare in advance...

There's no amount of time that will make us naturally musical.

I think we just throw in a Jerusalem at the end. You do think we...?

Yeah, finish with Jerusalem and then I'll just go...

♪ Jerusalem! ♪

Hello, everyone. Now, who wants to go first?

Let's get it out the way. What?!

Just get it out the way. Yes!

Off you go. Rip the plaster off! Let's go.

This anthem is about one person and one person only

who's capable of rallying everyone and bringing us all together.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

♪ God save David Attenborough

♪ Long live David Attenborough

♪ God save David Attenborough

♪ Yes, he's an old white guy

♪ Who makes loads of brilliant nature documentaries...

We'll be all right.

ALL: # God save David Attenborough

♪ He is a national treasure! ♪ ALL: # ..treasure! ♪

Is this a view of everyone?

I don't really like David Attenborough.

LAUGHTER

Well, thank you very much.

Who's next? We'll go next.

OK. When you're ready?

OK.

♪ Glory and money

♪ Victory and handbags

♪ Perseverance and technology

♪ Like that car that parks itself

♪ That is pretty cool, actually...

Check it out on Google if you haven't seen it yet,

but it's pretty dope.

♪ Marble breakfast top, American-style fridge freezers

♪ With motherfucking ice makers... They're shit hot.

♪ Jerusalem Jerusalem. ♪

Really strong. Lovely, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you very much for that. That was beautiful.

And finally, Lou and Ed.

OK. One, two, three. Hit it.

BOTH: # The frog can leap, but she can't fly

♪ Along comes a crew to give her a ride

♪ The worm can wriggle, but she can't swim

♪ Along comes a friend - Mrs Terrapin

♪ Stronger united than we are apart

♪ We go together like a horse and cart! ♪

LAUGHTER

Wow! Thank you very much.

And a bonus dance. Yes. Or mounting activity.

Thank you very much, all of you.

See you later. Bye! Bye. Bye-bye.

You wouldn't let me mount you, would you?

People have done terrible things because of flags.

I'm happy, you're sad.

We're not going to be able to fly it because of the weight of the metal.

It's fearless leader David Mitchell.

Hello. Hi, David.

Hi, everyone. That's a nice fire... you've got going. Yes.

It's badge time!

CHEERING

OK. So, I've got a laminate

In order to repair your belongings,

possessing the knowledge and ability to sew is essential

if you are to survive in the wild.

To earn your sewing badge, you must create a bespoke flag for your camp.

Your flag must be themed

and you must incorporate one natural material into your flag.

Oh!

People have done terrible, wonderful and daft things because of flags.

They've marched in ridiculous armour under flags

and tried to kill thousands of people marching under another flag.

That's what I want.

I want something that will make people do that kind of mad thing.

Because, obviously, it's not good that they do the mad thing,

but still, that makes it a good flag.

There are no bad flags, just bad flag owners.

Yes, exactly. Nice. Thank you all.

OK, let's all go and sew a cock and balls

on three pieces of fabric, then!

There's a feather here, look.

All right.

I think we should make something really alluring.

OK. That makes me think "peacock".

It makes me think "pigeon".

We keep it super, super simple.

What says wilderness camping more than a fire?

So... I know, but what are you saying? Jump in the fire?

You're very peace and love. Yeah. We need to express that on the flag.

Yeah. But also, I think we need to express "Don't mess with us".

Something quite violent.

Don't mess with us cos it really stresses us.

Don't mess with us cos it really stresses us!

And then we have a couple of people, either side... Off their nut?

Off their absolute jib, just, like, dancing around...

So, you went from "keep it simple" to now

"do humans off their nut round a fire"?

Why don't we just do a big face?

HE LAUGHS

But also, I think we should incorporate David as sort of

like the central god figure.

Big face of David.

Two faces. Two faces.

Happy, sad, fire.

Happy, sad, fire.

No-one's put a face on a flag before, have they?

Well, I think... A big smiley face!

...I think dictators have.

What's peace and love - a heart, a flower...?

Knife... Dagger. Yeah. Dagger and knife?

Oh, sorry, a dagger's a knife.

Um... So, yeah, I must listen.

ED LAUGHS

So, what will people fight for?

Food.

Sex.

Yeah. Let's just make, like, sort of a collage

of loads of stuff that people like.

Because flags are a bit boring, really, aren't they?

They're just, like, colours.

This is so good. OK, we need to sew on...

This is so good!

He looks very effeminate, but, you know, in 2021, who cares?

You can't just sew a knife and fork to a piece of material...

That's how... ...and say it's a flag.

That's how all good flags are started.

How's that? That's fucking great.

That is quite good, actually, isn't it? Yeah.

We have to decide to do something together as a team, Jamali.

We are doing it as a team!

You're just sewing some cutlery to a piece of fabric!

Do you know what?

It's going to look like the logo for the Little Chef.

JAMALI LAUGHS

So, are we doing happy and sad, or...?

I'm happy, you're sad.

Oh, that's just so my brand, that I'm going to be the pissed-off one.

Yeah, I mean, it's quite close to home, so, um...

THEY LAUGH

Oh, no!

What? What, what?

It's the nuclear symbol!

THEY LAUGH

And then we could have the words...

Uh...

No-one puts words on flags.

Maybe we should just have one word.

Which is "fight".

Kung fu fighting. Quite violent, aren't you?

Everything's... There's a theme.

It's always you've killed a man... I did kill a man.

Keep it brief.

It's got to be one word which is going to bring people to our flag.

"Come".

Sounds a bit desperate, I'm not going to lie.

Come, come. Come.

And it's got the added bonus of being a wank joke.

That's a flag that I would love to wave.

It's getting there.

And we're not going to be able to fly it, obviously,

because of the weight of the metal.

Bonjour! Hello. Hello. Hi, David.

Oh, now! That's...

Talk me through it.

So, obviously centre stage, it's fearless leader, David Mitchell.

Yeah. It...

So the whole vibe is, in David Mitchell we trust. Yeah.

It's lovely, isn't it? Seriously? Yes.

So, those are the three nations of the camp? Yeah. Yeah.

And the green is...? And then...

The green is just what they gave us to make the flag.

The production decided it had to have a green background. Yeah.

I would say that was part of the creative process that

they wrongly robbed you of... Yeah, yeah. ...and I can only apologise.

That's OK. It's simple. But effective.

It is simple.

And this flag here stands for the duality of nature,

the duality of existence, of living, of human existence.

So, we have... And saying yes to all of it.

So, you've got the people who like nature,

the people who like food, the people who like sex...

It's all represented.

That's basically everyone. That's universal, isn't it?

Birds, food, shagging.

I mean, firstly, why have you chosen to depict me?

We're not as into the other guy from Peep Show,

so we went with you.

Well, I should hope not!

Did we get our badge? Yeah. S... Sorry?

Did we get the badge?

I will tell you that later on in the tent.

Well, we'll see what I say later.

Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes. You'll be saying yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes! Yes! Yes.

I think he liked that.

I felt like that could have gone better.

I thought he was going to be bowled over.

I thought he was going to pull his trousers

and pants down he'd be so excited.

Can I make a frank admission? Go on.

This is the closest I've ever got to a barbecue.

What?! I've never barbecued on the barbecue.

Why? Yeah, because I, like... I find that barbecues are like,

it's like quite an incredibly manly thing.

So whenever I'm at a barbecue, I just leave it to the alphas.

Like, when I'm at a barbecue, the alpha will be here like, doing...

"Shall we chuck another sausage on the barbie?" OK, right.

Shall I just give you a little reveal on the alpha myth?

Yes, please. There's nothing to it.

They're literally just putting meat on a fire.

OK. There's... That's it.

They're just blagging it. They're blagging it.

Classic. Classic alphas.

So you do the meat ones, I'll do the veggie. Right, cool.

Hello. Hiya. What's going on?

Just a few sausages on the barbie.

Unfortunately, despite Toussaint saying he found barbecue men

intimidating and they tend to take over and bully their way

into the barbecue, that's what I've just done. Just took it off me.

JAMALI: It's kind of what you've got to do, man.

But he was doing really well.

But you can tell when someone's messing up the grill.

And you just got to go, step out for a second, mate.

Spoken by a true alpha!

JESSICA: Yeah, how did it... How did everyone,

how did everyone get on hiding? You hated it. I hated it.

I was really glad I was found, actually.

My body reacted like I was genuinely hiding.

But also, then I fell asleep and then I woke up and then I farted,

so my body didn't know what was going on.

I have to say, I did feel quite nervous as you were approaching.

Yeah, like you were being hunted.

Yeah, I was feeling like... Yeah, I was.

But it's quite... But it's fun though, isn't it?

That's like... No! I would say, hiding is more fun than seeking.

Can you pass me the spatula, please?

Do you want to take over the sausage maintenance?

This fire fucking hates me. Wherever I sit.

They look great! They're coming along.

Yeah, that's great.

Oh, Jamali! Did you drop it?

I dropped it. Who's the alpha now, bitch?

Sit down, sit down!

Teams, will you please stop hanging around there?

Jamali says that all he hears all day is just...

MOCKING: "Jamali!"

"Jamali, stop!"

The Outsiders are coming to the end of their third day in the woods.

Today, they've honed their survival skills by singing silly songs...

♪ We go together like a horse and cart! ♪

...playing hide and seek...

I'm gonna dress up as a cameraman.

Jamali, brilliant.

...and doing a bit of crafting.

We keep it super, super simple.

The duality of nature.

Now it's time to see if it was all worth it.

Teams, will you please stop hanging around there

and start hanging around here?

Knock, knock. Hello, hello.

Hello, David. Hello! Hello.

Hi. Oh, it's nice to be back, actually. So cosy.

Welcome, Outsiders.

It's the end of day three.

Now it's time to pass judgment on the day's events

and see which pairing wins which badges.

OK, so we'll start with the camouflage badge.

Kerry and Toussaint. Well, clearly you've been inspired, Kerry,

by the camouflaging experience. They said I could keep them.

Yeah. And I like them. Just stay camouflaged.

Yeah. Why not? You can't see my legs, can you?

I completely can.

So Kerry and Toussaint, did you prefer hiding or seeking?

I would say hiding, because... No, come on, you hated hiding.

I mean, I was very good at it.

I was committed to it. Yeah. For sure.

But it was upsetting for you. In that commitment, you know,

you have to go through suffering.

Anything that you do well takes a degree of suffering.

Do you agree with that, Jamali?

Anything done well requires suffering?

Would that be... Not really. I don't. I don't, really.

Jamali's catchphrase is to do anything well,

your heartbeat shouldn't go above 50 beats per minute.

Kerry was discovered.

You weren't discovered, Toussaint. I was discovered right at the...

It took nine minutes... Nine minutes. It was very good.

...for Ed and Lou to discover you. Ed was, like, close, a lot.

Oh, yeah. I was like, oh, my God, what is wrong with him?

It's a real shame that you thought, what was wrong with me?

I thought you did a great job. That's what was happening.

You're right. But also, to be fair, I wasn't looking.

I was just having a run round.

But you were the... You hid up a tree, Lou.

Yes. You were undiscovered up your tree.

Ed, you were found in four minutes.

And what a relief, though.

I hated being hidden, David. My body reacted crazily.

I don't think I've ever been panicking that much.

Because I was panicking, I fell asleep.

I woke up and then I farted, and then they found me.

You must have been panicking the other night in the tent quite a lot.

Yeah!

Now, Jess and Jamali, we have to discuss.

Firstly, Jess, I'm afraid you were found in two minutes.

I know!

I mean, we have to discuss Jamali's choice.

Oh... I mean, round of applause. Absolutely.

Out of this world. I don't want to piss on the parade because I think

it was a great thing.

But was the brief not natural?

No, that was just one of them. That was one.

So can you unclasp your hands, please?

But you were in synthetic, weren't you?

Well, I had leaves... Unclasp them for a second.

Not quite yet, my friend. Not quite yet.

The prosecution has not rested.

I believe Jess was in the synthetic camouflage.

With nature on top of her.

I was also covered in leaves and bracken.

Yes, but also... Oh, that's a point, were you...

Oh, now! Now Ed gets it as well!

Were you in the ghillie suit? Yes, she was in the ghillie suit.

ALL: Ohhhh! One person had to be in nature.

The camera, my friend, that you were operating, wasn't nature.

So I will keep them clasped thank you very much.

Over to you, David. In fact, you know what, Toussaint?

I'm going to join you, mate.

Uh-oh! Ohhh!

The thing is, is, human is nature.

This is an interesting issue. Was the cameraman garb,

which was basically just a camera and a hat,

does that count as natural things that Jamali found around the place

left naturally by the animal, the human being,

that was hanging out making a TV show?

Let me go and cut some fruit down from the camera tree over there.

I think what I have to say at this point, the key difference

with what you did and everyone else is, I think,

given another half an hour, you would have found Toussaint,

you would have found Lou.

I think you would never have been found.

You all successfully hid.

You also were all successfully found,

therefore you all get

the camouflage badge.

JESSICA: Wow, OK.

The next badge is the camp anthem badge.

Oh, shit. Oh, great.

Camp Anthem, I was genuinely moved.

I was genuinely... I thought... Come on!

To cover up your ears, or... Honestly, no.

I thought the camp anthem thing, I thought they were all brilliant.

And I felt this is a horrendously unfair thing to do.

Can I just say, time of my life. I absolutely loved it.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, but you know, but I thought

this would be my worst nightmare, and I thought they were all

funny and moving.

Wow! Wow. And I thought, these are great people.

So before any more discussion, well done, all of you.

You get a badge. Yes!

Amazing. I cannot believe we got that badge.

LOU: No, I'm surprised you got that badge.

Next up, it's the sewing badge.

We'll start with Jess and Jamali.

OK. There we are.

First reactions from the other teams.

My first thought is We Three Tents of Orange, We Are.

That's what just came. Very nice.

KERRY: It's our three tents.

These are the tents. I like the idea behind it.

Yeah, the three orange triangles is great.

Some of the... I mean, it's quite puckered at the corner,

I'd say, and I'm slightly angry to find that we've all got

such different sized tents.

Well, maybe this one's closer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I like the three triangles. It's good.

I mean, it doesn't mean anything general

because it's just a map of the tents.

At the same time, it's quite an arresting image.

I don't think this is the best way of representing the importance

of food and sex and nature, but I do agree that

food and sex and nature are important.

I don't know how this played out.

I'm going to suggest that Jess did the tents

and then Jamali was left with that bottom corner.

Pretty much, yeah.

When do you think my response to Jamali sewing a knife...

ALL: "Jamali!"

"Jamali, don't put t'rubber johnny on t'flag!"

Jamali says that all he hears all day is just, "Jamali!"

"Jamali, stop!"

That's exactly what she says.

All right. Let's have a look now at Lou and Ed's flag.

First reactions, Jess, Jamali? Good stitch work.

I love it. Why has the face got no eyes and nose?

LOU: Because it looked better as an emblem.

It's a silhouette. I thought it was an acorn.

No, no, no. Well, it's David Mitchell.

So it's the acorn of gentlemen. Clearly.

So that's me, which obviously I'm very flattered to be included.

Thank you.

That's... Dove of peace, including a real twig.

Nice twig work.

Tree of life. That's agriculture. Tree of life/broccoli.

Tree/broccoli of life.

Heart for love. Yeah, of course.

And a dagger for war.

I think Jamali and Jess's flag, it included all of us,

and it wasn't just for David.

It was about the nucleus of the family.

Oh, mate, that one's way better than our shit. Come on.

You know, we are...

We are allowed to just simplify it and go,

the other flag had a knife and fork tied to it.

And that's a bit wrong.

We could just go, hang on.

And there is a knife on that one.

Imagine if you're a new country, you're a bit of Czechoslovakia

and you're just launching and the designer comes in.

"Nice design." "Yeah, and then I thought

"I'd tie a knife and fork to it."

And they go, "So you imagine there'll be a knife and fork

"on all of the ones on all the town halls and everything

"and all of the army and the battleships?"

"Yeah, we'll need quite a lot of knives and forks."

And condoms! Imagine how handy that's going to be, though.

Imagine how great that is.

It's like, "Oh, I haven't got my cutlery, but..."

Yeah, once. One lunch at the town hall.

"Oh, we'll use the one on the flag." The next day,

"Who took the ones on the..."

We're going to the third flag now.

This is Kerry and Toussaint's flag.

I remember how much you laid into our flag, Toussaint. I didn't.

So strap in. I didn't. That's true.

Oh, hang on, I've just seen Kerry!

Oh, you immediately recognised Kerry?

So, I can talk, I can... Yeah, please.

You've sewn a lot on.

You've got a lot done in the time. A good flag is about symbolism, right?

It's got to represent something.

And to me, it's about coming together around the campfire,

putting our differences aside. Yes. And chucking them on the fire

and just saying yes. ED: I love that sentiment.

But on the flag, it doesn't seem like

you're coming together in any way.

It seems like one of you is happy and one of you is Kerry.

Jamali, you were about to say...?

I think all the flags are bad, to be honest with you.

I mean that. I think they're all terrible.

I don't... I think no-one deserves anything.

We should wrap this up early.

Yes, you know, that's a sort of...

I mean, it's a kind of vacuous message that people can get behind.

What's it going to be, babe?

Well, the first thing to say is that

these flags are going to be erected above your sections of the camp.

You might want to get the knife and fork down off it.

And who knows, maybe the condom too.

For me, there is a clear best flag and best sewing.

No, no! The only badge for this round goes to...

Kerry and Toussaint!

Oh, mate!

LOU: That's mad! ED: You know that's mad.

Yes! I'm sorry, that's...

That's mad. That's mad. You think it's mad?

You've absolutely lost your mind, David. You're batshit crazy.

Do you know what as well? Shall I tell you something else mad?

I prefer theirs to yours.

That is mad.

You came third.

OK, so the scores of the night are...

Jess and Jamali and Ed and Lou have got two badges each

and Kerry and Toussaint have won all three badges today.

Yes!

Wow.

OK, now if I text my wife now, she can open a bottle of wine

and it'll have breathed by the time I get home.

So that's... OK.

Thanks very much. Night, David.

Goodnight, David.

Get home safe. Thank you.

You mad BLEEP.

I heard that!

Today I was bullied at work, darling.

Aargh! Pervert alert!

When camping, you should wear a nappy.

Then you haven't got to get up five times in the night to go to the loo.

You're on TV. Oh, yeah. Oh, look.

From Peep Show. Jeremy, you idiot!

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