Original subtitles

The Great Outdoors - picturesque, peaceful,

unspoilt. Well, it's not for me.

It's all very pleasant viewed through a gastro pub window,

but without the buildings, it gets disgusting very quickly.

Just look at Glastonbury. Still, some people love it,

and I'm challenging six comedians to prove that they can survive in it.

For the next week, this forest will be their home. Nettles!

Neighbour. Hello. Each day, they'll be working in pairs...

I've never been camping before.

The closest I've come to roughing it is buying own brand ketchup.

...learning vital skills... Where are all the trees? We're in a wood!

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now in there. ...and competing for badges.

He's my little dolly! Will they be equipped to survive post-apocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms and a bottle of tequila,

so yes, I've got all the right gear.

I'm already missing the sound of the city.

Where's all the car horns? Will they crumble under the pressure?

Oh, my God! I think there's a body in here!

I was in the Brownies, but I got kicked out for wetting myself.

So it's just the whole environment could be quite triggering for me,

really. Or will they be naturals?

See, the guy who taught Bear Grylls how to survive and that,

I taught him. Oh, God! Yeah, it really is easy to cut your leg off!

Comedians wouldn't know one end of an axe from the other,

which for axes, I believe, is absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think they'll last ten minutes without

ordering a pizza. And each evening, I'll summon them to my HQ...

Please approach the temple of doubt.

...to give them my verdict. I think you did the job, you get the badge.

Yes! Yes! Welcome to Outsiders.

Ah! OK, I'm going to need an identical pair of these trousers.

It's day two,

and the traffic on the M25 wasn't actually too bad.

Last time, two teams secured their first badge,

but one pair, let's call them Ed and Lou, failed to win any.

Use the butt reverse shot, by all means.

Oh, dear!

I hope you're... SHE LAUGHS

Ed, I'm going to get a wet... LAUGHS

Yeah, you haven't thought this through. How's the hair, Lou?

Yeah... No, mine. Oh, no, terrible! No? OK.

Lou, can you help us win some badges today, please?

Ah, go on, then.

Morning, everyone. Hello. Hello. Hi. Enjoying the fire? Yes. Yeah.

Nice the way the ash is going in all directions. Straight into my face, yeah. Yeah.

But it mixes it up. Everyone gets a turn. Yeah, very democratic fire, in that regard.

Are you ready for the next activity? Yes. Yeah. Hit us with the laminate.

Right. There are no hairdresser's in the woods,

so you're going to have to learn to cut hair.

To earn your barbering badge, you must give a volunteer a haircut.

I know you might think logically in the wild you just need

a practical haircut, to get the hair out of the way of the hunter

gathering, but actually, you've got to think about self esteem.

You will be judged on how stylish and sharp the haircut looks.

That's what I'm looking for, a haircut that makes you go... Ah!

What a good haircut!

Goodness me, how sexy! LAUGHTER

I'll be back in a bit. Your time starts... now.

No, not yet. No, now it's started.

Let's go.

I'm assuming I'm allowed to touch you.

I say that to all men!

Hello. I'm Ed.

Today, you're going to feel like a million bucks when you walk out of this wood.

OK, so hang on a minute... I'm actually a wizard with this, though.

Don't scare her. Simon, are you single?

Well, not for long, with our little cut!

In the spirit of transparency, this is a comedy programme,

we're going to fuck your hair up bad.

OK, just wait. Wait!

Jamali...

This is an actual person. Oh, dear, Simon. Simon...

Oh, Si-mooon.

Lou, should we discuss what we're doing first before we start

brushing Simon's hair like he's a dolly?

Yeah. He's my little dolly!

The producers did ask if I'd be up for letting the teams cut my hair.

It was the easiest decision of my entire career.

BUZZING Please, don't just do that. See, look.

Simon, if it hurts, just scream, OK? Jamali, no!

You can't just... Jamali, please!

I can't believe you're doing this.

This is someone's actual hair. It's that much. That's not mad.

But you're not even doing it evenly. Right...

Because I'm just setting the tone out of it. Setting the tone?!

It's not a... garage night!

You're hiding a lot of your beautiful face,

so we're going to probably take off a lot of this. Have you been on your holidays?

That's better. Like that? At least, use a comb.

That's what they teach you at hairdressing school. At least, use a comb. And take that as well.

You don't have to. Lou, have you been to the hairdresser's before? No, never.

OK, well, what they don't tend to do is hand you your hair,

bit by bit, as they cut it off.

OK? What... Oh, no, what have you done? Nothing.

Nothing to worry about, Simon.

Oh, dear! That's as bald as a modern vagina.

And do you remember, Simon, it does grow back, OK?

Scared?

Mate, you're going to look really edgy.

There you are! You were hiding, weren't you, before?

Oh, my God! You look like my mum!

That's a compliment. Honestly, Holly, you look great.

How old are you, Holly? 32.

32. This haircut makes you look about 45.

Er... But like, in a good way.

No, it doesn't. She doesn't look... You don't look 45. Are you crying?

No, I think... No. It's all right.

I think my contact lens has come out.

What are you doing? Evening it out. It's like a little Hitler.

You're... That's a good idea for the moustache.

It looks fine from the front.

No-one has two inches and then hair at the top, like a toupee.

We've got to get it all off. No, we're not. No way.

This is supposed to be the stylish cut.

Can you stop going mental?! What are you doing?!

Jamali!

Oh, my God...

Poor woman!

Not poor woman, you're fine. It's going to look great.

You know what I think we should do with the beard? Yeah?

What about a line down the middle gone?

That is good. It's very distinguished.

I am a bit worried about your hair. No, no, no, no. We never say that.

Now, shall we put flowers in the hair?

It's actually quite nice. Yeah.

Oh, that's lovely! Yeah. Yes! That's it! That's a lovely statement piece.

Just so that David doesn't know you've been crying. Yeah, just...

Don't tell David you cried. Sorry that we got hair in your eye, I mean.

What you need to do to maintain this hairstyle is just water

the plants, you know, every three to five days. All right?

There we go! I think we did... I think we nailed that.

Yeah, we nailed that. We didn't nail this. This looks horrible!

I think we're done, Kerry. I think it looks great.

Excuse me. Trampling bluebells. Hello. Ta-da!

Presenting Simon's new look. Oh!

So, front on, obviously, the main impact point is the beard,

which we've trimmed down to a square at the bottom and then removed the middle segment.

Oh, yes, you have. A reverse Brazilian. Yes.

Nice to get a genital reference in there. Yes.

That is... That is a look.

You've streamlined... We've streamlined it, yeah.

We've given him a bit of a mullet. There's a touch of mullet.

Mullet's on trend. Is it? Even in the woods.

And it's mullet with... With added fern. With a fascinator. With ferns, yeah.

You could see this bloke doing a photo shoot like this in Vogue.

Or Gardeners' World.

Hello. Hi, David! Hi! Welcome to our salon.

Thank you very much. The demon, himself.

This is Holly. I can take them off now, but this is the fashion look.

We've put a fringe in,

she didn't have a fringe before, which is obviously fantastic now.

We've got a couple of layers in the back. Oh, yeah, there's...

There's some layers. There's definitely...

A chunky sort of uneven layer.

The head hair... Tell me what you've done there. So, obviously...

Have you heard of Hitler? That's not how Hitler's hair was. Oh, really?

If anything, I'd say the whole look is a lot more Franz Ferdinand.

Oh, yeah, lovely. And I don't mean the band, obviously. Ah!

I was referring to the assassinated Habsburg.

Were you going for symmetry? I knew it!

I told you he'd be keen on symmetry. You've got exactly the kind of personality that wants

a bit of symmetry. It's shapes. You've got to think shapes.

It's very slimming.

It is, yeah. There you go, mate. So it's heightening and slimming.

Which is what you want. And it brings out his eyes.

Is it just me or is there a little bit more hair on that side...?

Well, she's got a side parting. Right, so... So there is more...

That's part of it. There is more hair on this side.

But it is even. Yeah. We checked that. Yeah.

You do this. That's how you check. Yeah, very good.

He had very long hair before and now that's extremely tidy.

And also the bluebells, that is a nice touch. Yeah.

You've gone, I will say, quite high... Yeah.

The point where you've decided his hair should cease.

It's reminiscent of that portrait of Henry V. You love history.

You do like history. You love Henry V.

Henry V, I would say, is a complicated figure,

I couldn't entirely endorse. But everything comes back into fashion, though, David,

so it's surely the Henry V hair time again soon. Yeah.

So, a bit Henry V, a bit Franz Ferdinand.

They both died before their time. Simon, I hope you fare better.

There you go! Look at that! He's not crying and that's a win.

You think it's supposed to be symmetrical, from looking at it?

I think so, yeah. Yeah. He's happy. I'm not sure what they were going for. Yeah.

You would see that on the front cover of Toni & Guy magazine.

And would that be a sort of... this person needs a haircut,

or this is our finest...?

It would be an after, not a before. Yeah.

That is honestly a good haircut, David.

It's also practical in the wilderness to have less hair. Much more practical.

The hair you had before, you could get caught in bushes

when you're trying to... Axes. ...catch a weasel for lunch.

Now, you're just straight through that weasel, it's finished. Yeah.

I'm going to have to go and have a think.

There's some very interesting restyles that you're up against.

Oh, really? But David, just to say we are accepting walk-ins today,

if you wanted to... Strangely, I've had two recent offers of haircuts.

OK. But I can't remember where from. But... Oh, OK.

No, no, if you're all right, if you've got it covered,

then that's fine. See you later.

I do need teat access as well, though.

Cos at the moment, it's like I'm mounting the goat and grabbing her tits.

Condoments.

Looks to me like three condoms tied to a stick.

Ooh! What are these? Goats? Goat friends.

Hello! Hello. It's the sacrifice round.

Supermarkets are no longer an option in the wild,

so the only way to get milk is to take it directly from the source.

To earn your goat milking badge, you must get as much

milk as you can from a goat and then use it to cook something delicious.

Ah! Which I will then eat. Lou's a vegan. Have you got any almonds?

I'm going to milk an almond. You don't want to milk a goat? They're full of milk.

No, but the babies need the milk. They will be fed.

They're not going to allow those goats to die of hunger. Yeah.

I don't know what their long term prospects are, I doubt

they're going to university, but they are not going to die of hunger.

The truth is that the goat has to be happy to produce the most amount of milk.

So this is a nice sort of Kobe beef scenario,

where happy animals create deliciousness, rather than

the foie gras scenario where the deliciousness comes from torture.

So with that in mind, think about how you're going to make them

feel relaxed, make them feel happy and make them just gush with liquid.

Yeah. Um... Best of luck.

I used to be a goat milker. You used to be a milker of goats? Yeah.

OK, so you're probably the... You probably should be in charge, then.

Will you hold the jugs and I'll grab the jugs?

I'll hold the laminate and you can hold the teat.

I was just trying to make you feel relaxed. I have never... I don't...

It worked. I feel... Yeah, you felt really reassured, didn't you?

Very relaxed, yeah.

Can you just be quite while I read the rules, please?

Come on, so unprofessional.

"You must get as much milk as you can from your goat

"and then turn in something for David to eat."

"You will have to calm the goat before milking,

"using whatever technique you deem most suitable."

Do you have any expertise in relieving milk from teats?

Only my own! Yeah, that's what I'm saying, like...

I tell you what makes my girlfriend happy... Flowers.

Would you like some flowers?

So can you adopt that same technique?

I think her nipples might be a little bit bigger than mine.

Let's just try a little calm headlock, OK? There we go. Yeah.

Don't worry, don't worry. Don't worry, don't worry.

I do need teat access as well though. At the moment, it's like I'm mounting the goat

and grabbing her tits.

Give the goat the flowers. Here's some flowers.

Oh, she's just going to eat them. I mean, your girlfriend

and this goat are different creatures altogether.

Yeah... You say that.

You know I'm supposed to be milking the goat, right? Cos it seems like

you're also offering yourself up to be milked.

Look, I'll hold the leg... Don't. You get the tit.

Make sure I avoid the vagina. Go on. What vagina?

The goat vagina, man! Where is it?

This is harder than I thought. I actually can't even see the udder.

I don't know... Oh, my God! It's coming out.

There you go. I'm a milkmaid.

Will it keep you calm if I let you meet a celebrity?

I'm calming her, but she's not very calm at the moment. Right.

I've already been told we've been given the most difficult goat.

Who told you that? The goat people.

As in, the experts. I'm not... There aren't any...

There's no Mr Tumnus running around or anything. Not a satyr. No.

I'm going to get independent confirmation that you have

been given the most difficult goat. Feel free.

I'm going to leave you to calm...

Thanks, David. The difficult goat.

Darling! Off I go.

I mean, they're in a very difficult situation.

They're at a point in their lives where the state of mind of a goat

is key to their prosperity and you know, in theory,

their survival. It won't even stand still at the moment.

Oh, we're getting somewhere.

Oh, we shouldn't shout.

Oh, here we go.

Yes, Maria. Don't spoil it, David.

Is milk coming out? Milk's coming out.

There's what I would describe as a dribble.

No, Maria, please come on.

We're friends now.

They've had a bit of milk out of her and she seems calmer.

She doesn't seem totally relaxed, but like beginning

of a cocktail party,

maybe this will be fun.

I don't think it's ethical to give a goat a glass of wine, but I think

that was probably exactly what would help.

Maria... Oh, God.

It's like you've had a row.

I'm adopting a soft goat approaching walk that I've invented.

Oh. Good, thank you.

So how's it going? You don't need to do that.

We just been grabbing her by the hem and milking it.

I can see milk coming out.

They're doing really well.

What's interesting is that the others are focusing

on calming, calming, calming.

But what they're going with is just grabbing the goat,

holding it still and milking away and excuse the gesture.

But... and I think weirdly, that's what's making the goat calm.

It's all very well milking a goat.

But can they turn it into something nice for me to eat

if I don't get dysentery?

They'll probably get a badge.

I don't know how much the others have got, but we've got something.

These two have found a non-dairy substitute. And we've got oat milk.

How reassuringly middle class.

I think we pour the oat milk into the goat milk

and then technically that's still goat milk because "oat"

is within "goat". It's g-oat... It's g-oat milk.

This is it, man. Look at this shit.

Hello.

Please don't put coffee in it.

Please don't put coffee in it.

Listen, what I'm saying is... is we make a little different

because everyone's is just going to be...

No, no, no.

Ed Gamble wouldn't put coffee in his pancake.

I want us to win a badge.

Shall we just...

But let's have fun on the way!

Fucking hell!

Well, you might want two pancakes.

Let's back ourselves. Let's think this through.

We're making it with disgusting, unpasteurised hairy goat's milk.

You're going to want two of those?

Heat up the oil first.

OK, do you know what?

You take over.

This is not how teams work,

Jamali. Teams work together.

It's not just one person doing something and then the other person

stepping aside and going

"All right, well, you fuck it up, then."

Oh, no, you fuck it up.

Have you got a girlfriend?

No. I wonder why.

You said some hurtful things.

I'm just going to work on my coffee mixture.

Oh...

And you can do what you're doing.

OK.

Please, please don't, don't, don't, don't fuck with me now.

You've got to put some effort in.

You've got to like... I put so much effort into that.

That's a lovely, smooth batter.

You grab me a cup, please.

What for? Oh, my hat's here. I forgot my hat.

No, Jamali.

is that coffee? It's coffee. No!

We're good, we're good.

But look at that.

Honestly.

NO!!!

Let me see if I could make a little goat.

That's a badge. Fucking hell!

It looks... I mean, it didn't really look like a goat to start with,

to be honest.

But I think I think... The effort is appreciated, right?

That's quite cool.

I think it's quite arty.

Yeah, it's very arty.

Chefs in, like, really fancy hotels,

They make things... if it doesn't contaminate.

Look at that.

Maria's teats.

Maria's teats! Really happy with that.

Shall we do a sauce? Yeah. I'm gonna wipe...

Ed's very good in the kitchen.

Well, like they do on MasterChef, you know. You really are

the full package.

Apart from a little bit too angry now and again.

That looks so disgusting.

Going to put a bit of sugar over that.

That is proper rank, mate. It's horrible.

That is so gross.

You know what, I genuinely thought it would taste nice.

That is that is honestly one of the worst things I've ever tasted.

That is so horrible.

Sorry, David, mate. What have you done?

And it's going to solidify.

But... NO! Jamali! I'm sorry.

Listen, we're going down,

we're going to go down, innit? For God's sake!

Right! Let's go. On y va.

French for let's go.

A taste test in a tent.

It's never been done before.

David, might I say you look gorgeous today?

You might.

Thank you very much.

There isn't an arse-licking badge!

Give it a go.

I'm trying to do it like Gregg Wallace or Paul Hollywood.

What's the brown?

Is that part of it?

Have you eaten pancakes before? I have eaten pancakes before.

Are you questioning how I should eat...?

Have you eaten pancakes on telly? I have, and you know, now and again

I'll use a knife rather than hacking at it with a fork.

What, eat it with a knife and fork?

OK, fine.

I'll, you know, I'll pretend it's a lasagne.

Right.

Ooh!

Oh, it's nice. Wow.

The pancake tastes sort of plain but edible.

I mean, very plain. With the stuff...

Yeah... I like it.

OK, now this has got a garnish.

Hmm.

I appreciate the effort.

I don't know whose that is, but the presentation, it does look

quite good, doesn't it? Yeah.

And that goat looks nice on the top of that pancake.

I like that.

That's... I hadn't noticed that.

That's a bit of a garnish itself.

This is different garnish, bit more natural.

But of course, by putting a mossy twig as part of the dish, you need

the eater to have confidence that it isn't just something

that you've put on there from the forest floor

that might contain the turd of a squirrel.

This looks quite eggy.

I think that's quite omelette-y.

Tasty, though, eh?

DAVID CHOKES

It's like a cross between a pancake and an omelette.

I mean, you've made pancakes and they shouldn't be that eggy.

And if it was an omelette, it should be even eggier,

so... In a way, we've created something new.

Well, maybe it is a new dish.

Um, this one has got a garnish

of diarrhoea, um... I'm sure the people that cooked it

don't think it's diarrhoea.

It's OK. It's not diarrhoea. It's solidified. It doesn't...

That won't happen with diarrhoea, however long you wait.

Nice bit of sugar on that.

Just try with that with the brown sugar.

Try it with the diarrhoea now.

Imagine if it... actually was a bit of a prank.

Prank!

This whole show was an elaborate prank to try

and make me....; Make you eat some shit. Yeah.

Oh, it's got coffee in it!

That's quite advanced.

It's like a coffee sauce.

The truth is, I like them all.

But may I say thank you very much?

That's what I call food.

It's high in carbohydrate and it's sort of grey,

creamy in colour.

I would like to exclusively eat this sort of thing,

but dieticians think otherwise.

See you all later.

Thanks very much.

I enjoyed these. More egg.

This is my favourite, but it's wrong.

That looks rather beautiful.

Like a giant dewdrop.

Have you seen Honey, I Shrunk The Kids? I haven't seen it.

Have you seen Honey, I've Got Cancer In One Ball?

Now, in the wild, you have to be able to make use of

whatever you find,

so to win their repurposing badge,

the teams have to find as many survival uses for an everyday item

that they've come across as possible.

And here's the everyday item.

A condom.

Saucy.

Like to reassure you this wasn't just in my pocket anyway.

It's a prop I've been given.

I'm a relentlessly un-sexual person, and I certainly

wouldn't want to undermine that cold image.

Obviously, in general, we want them to survive on things that they find.

But we're thinking about a post-apocalyptic society.

There are things that are left.

Maybe a prophylactic machine from a pub has washed up on the beach.

They've got to use those little rubbers for something,

and they don't want to use them for their original purpose

because they need the population.

If they put these on the end of their knobs,

I will be furious.

It's chocolate.

Yeah. So you might need that.

Yeah, I'm going to taste a condom.

Theatre shows.

Oh, puppet shows to entertain people, keep their spirits up.

A makeshift cocktail maker, you just shake

it up and down... And we get another wank joke out of it.

Sleeping bag for a mouse.

Sleeping bag for a mouse. There we go.

This badge is in the bag.

What is this badge - johnny badge?

Hi, how are you doing?

Really well. With the condom. We've got every eventuality

in the world covered. That would be ideal.

It's the full survival solution.

The full package, shall we say?

Great, because that's a reference to a penis, isn't it?

What have you got to show me?

You can obviously fill them with water, freeze them in the cold

and remove the outer wrapping.

You've got yourself a lollipop.

Plain flavoured lollipop.

Just a hint of strawberry.

A hint of strawberry or chocolate...

In the shape of a condom penis.

Is the package the penis

or the package, the sort of penis...

If someone said nice package, you'd think it's all of it.

No-one's ever said that to me - nice package.

Sorry to hear that. Thank you very much.

I don't think you get much of a... The chinos don't show it off. No.

My problem with the lollipop idea is the conditions

under which you manufacture the lollipop are exactly

the opposite to the conditions

in which you would like to consume them.

Hi. Now. so, what have you got to show me?

Well, first of all, can I offer you a bottle of water?

Oh! That looks rather beautiful.

Nice, isn't it? Like a giant dewdrop.

Yeah. Have you seen Honey, I Shrunk The Kids?

It's like when they go into the garden. I haven't seen it.

Have you seen Honey, I've Got Cancer In One Ball?

That was straight to video, I think.

Right. This...

When you're swimming in a river looking for salmon, you'll need

a webbed hand.

Webbed hand.

Webbed hand for... Speed. Swimming. Efficiency.

That... absolutely, yeah, absolutely that.

You have turned our hand into a duck's foot.

We've got a puppet show as well

to entertain the children to keep the mood up.

Oh, hello, I'm Ketchup! And I'm Mustard.

I'm popular with everybody.

And I'm more of an acquired taste.

I'm sweet... and I'm spicy... but we both go well on hot dogs.

Take a bow.

I enjoyed that very much.

Thank you.

And I think there's actually a message for children because not

everyone can be Ketchup, can they? Exactly.

Some people are Mustard. Tell me about it. Yeah.

Cond... iments.

Explain how it works.

It looks to me like three condoms tied to a stick.

Would you like tea or coffee, sir? There's teabags in there.

Teabags in there. Tea, please.

Cool. I'll get one teabag.

And would you like sugar? One wank of sugar or two?

Actually, no wanks of sugar.

No wanks of sugar.

Oh, toilet.

Some... one person would.

Are you shitting in a condom?

So someone would squat over and someone would hold it open

and then pop the shit in there.

Tie it off at the top.

You could bury it.

Well, we might be in a situation where it might be toxic.

Keep it out of the water supply.

Keep it out of the water supply.

No, imagine that in your little den area and it's got

all your hot beverages available.

So storage solution?

It's a storage solution.

I was just worrying it might go claggy.

If you were to... That's going to be the least

of your problems with this scenario. True.

OK, but that's nice.

You've got never-ending chewing gum.

What's the survival purpose of that?

Suppresses the appetite? Suppresses the appetite and it just, you know,

keep masticating.

Swimming cap. Yeah. As demonstrated by... What is the survival...?

I mean, you've really... goodness me.

And David, this this is what

we consider to be our piece de resistance.

You've made a weapon. Yes.

So we can have war again!

We can have war again and also for hunting.

That's not how a catapult works.

Yeah, I think you have to fire something with it.

Not just part of it.

What you've done there is the equivalent of taking the ring

off the end of a cannon and frisbee-ing it.

Pretend you're a wild animal.

You're about to attack me. You're a bear. I don't...

Commit to the role play. You've got to commit. I don't like range!

Come on, David. Rarr! Boom.

Yeah, actually, that would freak me out because it's all

psychology with bears.

You're round the campfire. Yeah.

OK, what do you want?

You want some music. Ba-dom bom, ba-dom bom-bom. It's the bass.

I suppose you could get used to it.

It's a bit like when there are people doing up the house next door.

It's annoying to start with... And then it grows on you, doesn't it?

This one's strawberry flavour. Yes.

And in a world where there's no sugar, but we still have some

basics, we could maybe cook something in this. A flavouring.

It's a flavouring. To strawberry-ise some rice.

It's like strawberry condom-flavoured rice.

I mean, it may be that a time of relentless blandness in food

you'll cook up some rice...

Mate, you'd be begging for it. And it's like, Oh, Jess has made

her condom rice again. Yay!

Thank you very much indeed.

Oh, well, I'll see you later for a strawberry...

See you later for some spermicidal food.

You see it on telly, don't you? People, like, cooking things

on fires and stuff.

I do things like on the coals of a barbecue

just throw... put a whole aubergine on the coals.

I've done a leg of lamb on a sunbed.

A leg of lamb on a sunbed? Yeah. Are you just making...?

Don't put a biscuit in your mouth after you've said

a leg of lamb on a sunbed.

Why have you got a sunbed, but not a cooker?

It's all a lie.

When I'm in a hotel when I was on the road,

I heated a pizza with an iron... Did you?

...and I and I had a curry and it was still in the milk

container and I cooked it on an iron.

I've made stuff in a kettle. Are you serious?

Yeah. Yeah, I made pasta.

I made a boiled egg in a kettle once. Not in a hotel kettle.

Someone's definitely pissed in that. Yeah, but you disinfect it.

someone's pissed in that?! Is that what people do?

Oh, yeah. People piss in hotel kettles? Are you joking?

When I was about 16 was, prom night.

We went to his hotel and we all pissed in the kettle.

Sorry, is this a known thing that

we're just not supposed to drink out of hotel kettles? Yeah!

Well, especially if I if I was in the room at 16, definitely

I was pissed in kettles.

Men are fucking pigs, sorry to say.

Have you ever used a Shewee? Those funnels.

I used one at Glastonbury once, it was amazing. Did it work?

I thought it just leaks. Piss down your leg.

I went into the, like, women's urinal.

So it was just so funny going in there and seeing loads

of like pert little bottoms.

I know a girl that taught us how to piss against the wall.

You can just pull your hood up and is this going to go in?

So no-one can see your face? THEY LAUGH

No, you just used it as stand,

you know, pull the hood up and you can actually do it.

I mean, I don't know if that's the content they're looking for, but...

THEY LAUGH Oh, my God.

Cut to commercial.

Will you please make your way to the HQ immediately?

He's fully committed to that, isn't he?

I'm glad you're pleased with what you created there,

and he was pleased! Well, I hope that can be its own reward.

THEY LAUGH

We're nearing the end of the Outsiders' second day

in the forest, which thankfully means I can go home soon.

Today they've learned some valuable survival skills.

That's if you consider cutting hair...

This is someone's actual hair.

...milking goats...

At the moment, it's like I'm mounting the goat

and grabbing her tits.

...and pissing about with condoms.

Valuable survival skills.

Agh! Boom!

Yeah, actually, that... that would freak me out.

Time to find out if it's all been worth it.

Teams, will you please make your way to the HQ

at your earliest convenience?

He's fully committed to that, isn't he?

Which is a polite way of saying immediately.

It's like Reservoir Dogs.

Hello!

Welcome, Outsiders.

You all reek of goat's cheese and spermicide.

THEY LAUGH

You dirty bastards.

Now, let's review the performances of the day.

Firstly, goat milking.

I really enjoyed watching you milk the goats, but it's because I found

it was like watching Wimbledon in the I got to the point

where I thought I knew what you should do.

So how would you have done it?

My feeling was from observing you that the goats

were craving firmness.

You all had moments of firmness and moments of doubt, as we all do,

and I felt it was in the moments of firmness, oddly,

that the goats were calmest.

You know what? I think it's confidence.

Yeah, well, I looked over at Jess and Jamali and Jess was very

confidently sat on a log watching Jamali do it.

We just choked our goat. Nice comforting choke.

Jessica runs round and grabs on the teat, that was pretty much...

The situation with milking a goat, I'm told,

is that you can get about two litres.

In one milking? In one milking.

Yeah, not over its lifetime. HE LAUGHS

Shall I tell you what you got out of the goat?

Well, we all know you.

You and Toussaint got 50ml.

You know, it's not two litres, but it's... It's a nipple's worth.

Look, before it gets to us, let's shut our mouths. Wise words.

Yeah. Team talk with Ed Gamble.

Jamali and Jess.

150ml. Correct. 150ml.

Now, that is approaching 10% of what could have been got,

and I don't think that's bad.

First go on a goat. Ed and Lou...

Yeah. Unmeasurable by science.

Well, we go...

You did get some out. Yeah, one squirt.

We're going with 1ml. Fair enough.

Which I'm told is that. Yes. Wow.

I know you're going to shout at us if we tell

you that we had the most difficult goat, but that is what we were told.

Well, I don't know if you realise this, but you have mentioned

that before. I know, and you seemed angry at the time

so should I bring it up again now?

To be honest, I was irritated.

Yes. I said to the team, "For God's sake, give Ed and Lou an easy goat

"because otherwise we'll never hear the end of it."

And now this is me not hearing the end of it.

Yes. I mean, so far, I haven't heard the end of it.

Maybe I will hear the end of it.

Cos when we saw all the goats... No, I haven't heard the end of it.

...they pointed at one and they said,

"That's the most difficult one, and that's a jumper."

And then it jumped over the fence,

and that's the goat we ended up with. It was so frustrating.

It had the fullest udders.

And I think it's like, you know, when you really need to go

to the toilet and there's just that second where you're like,

"I don't think I can go because there's so much in there,"

I think that's what Gloria was.

And someone grabs a hold of you. DAVID LAUGHS

That's all you want is Vladimir Putin to take a firm hold

of the little fella.

Now, I'm not going to continue with the pantomime of pretending

I don't know which pancakes which cos you all made

it patently obvious.

Yes, they weren't perfect food, any of them.

The diarrhoea sauce looked like diarrhoea.

Your pancake was a little bit cardboard-y

and your pancake tasted like an omelette.

But I like omelettes more than pancakes

so that was a plus for me.

Two breakfast foods in one.

I have only one question to ask, which is, Lou and Ed,

how did you make such a competent pancake with only one

millilitre of milk? We used the go-oat milk and we poured it in...

I beg your pardon? The go-oat milk. Yeah. The goat milk.

Listen, cloth ears. Cloth ears?

Goodness me, I've been rebuked in a school in 1952.

Well, I've learned my lesson from the goat. I'm using firmness.

It was a millilitre of goat milk with oat milk,

which is also within oat milk.

So you used oat milk and your defence for that is that it uses

75% of the letters. And you love language.

So how did you source the oat milk?

Was it...? Did you grow some oats and crush them?

We asked one of the young runners to get it.

THEY LAUGH

Well, I'm going to have to make a decision.

Is this goat badge or cooking badge?

There's one badge for both,

and you all did the cooking part of it.

So it comes down to the goat milking.

You didn't milk the goat, you did. You get a goat badge.

And I think 50ml is more than I could get out of a goat.

You get the goat milking badge. What?! Yes!

OK, well done.

All right. Now, the next badge we're going to discuss

the repurposing badge where you all had to come up with different ideas

for what to do with condoms.

I thought this was a triumph.

This is my sort of comfort area.

THEY LAUGH

You said you could shit in one and so did you.

THEY LAUGH So that was a great minds...

Great minds think alike. I thought you all did absolutely brilliantly.

I don't think this has ever happened before and all of the history

of this programme, so for the first time ever, I'm going to give

you all the repurposing badge.

Of course, for Ed, this is your first badge

and this is the worst possible kind of first badge you could have,

which is what you'd expect from life.

You got the worst goat and you have the worst first-time badge.

The first time we get a badge it makes literally no difference.

Yes, like A-level General Studies.

Nevertheless, I was really pleased and impressed.

Well done. Thank you.

The other badge was, of course, barbering or hairdressing

or being a stylist.

Jess and Jamali, how do you feel that went for you?

It was a pretty confident start from Jamali.

I'll give it that. Yeah. I kind of went in, like, with the trim a bit.

Yeah, we found the razor and Jamali got a little bit razor happy.

This is, uh... This is what for the other teams to see.

Oh, lovely. That's the cut. What do you think?

Oh, really nice. I mean, I think it ended up all right, actually.

I did have to keep reminding Jamali that it was a human person,

an actual human woman with hair.

I think at first glance, she looked like she'd had a proper haircut.

What about at second glance?

Second glance, you could tell that she hadn't.

It's like if you saw in in the real world at first glance, you think

normal woman and then you'd look again and then you'd go,

"Hang on, she's mad."

THEY LAUGH

"She's cut her own hair."

You know, that's dangerous to the community. So no badge.

No, no. On the contrary, I would say that is a level of hairdressing

competence I was not expecting from you.

I'm giving you the badge. Oh, thank you. Appreciate it.

Well done. Well done.

It did look good, that looked really good. Yeah.

Now, Ed and Lou.

Hello. Simon. That's Simon there.

Lovely. He looks lovely. Wow. Pretty nice.

He doesn't look bad.

It's got nice little bits of bluebells and very,

very sharp lines there.

I was worried afterwards and I said,

"I am a bit worried if you like that."

And he said, "Well, I've had it like this before. Absolutely love it."

He said, "Well, this will sum up the haircut."

He said, "I've had it like this before. I played Lurch

"in a community production of The Adams Family!"

THEY LAUGH

It sounds like it's a look that isn't going to interfere

with his lifestyle. it was very neat round the back.

I think it's neat, it's smart.

You've gone for a look, you've delivered the look.

You did a good job.

You're getting the badge. Yes!

Now... That means so much to me!

That means so much to Ed and Lou is sort of fine with...

I've come along for the ride.

Now, Kerry and Toussaint, this is Massimo.

Massimo. Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's the after shot?

Oh, yes, Lou, that's the after shot.

Oh, come on. He looks great.

He's got a mullet, it's asymmetrical.

He's got a bracken fascinator... A bracken fascinator!

I think he looks, in many ways, very nice.

Striking. He has nice eyes.

The thing about him I'm not so keen on is his haircut.

THEY LAUGH

You shaved quite a bit off one side

and noticeably less off the other side.

He's got a haircut, which is a talking point.

Now you can meet people and they go, "Wow, what's with the haircut?"

There's a story there. We gave him a personality.

"What's with the ferns?" And he can talk about it.

Of the three people who came to have their hair done,

it was all over the place, he needed hairdressing. He needed focus.

I think when you'd finish with him, he looked worse.

We created a sculpture.

It was a sculpture!

He's a human being, not a lump of marble.

I'm moved by your passion.

I'm glad you are pleased... We're not gonna get a badge, are we?

I'm glad you pleased with what you created there.

And he was pleased. Well, I hope that can be its own reward.

THEY LAUGH

So I'm afraid you don't get the badge there.

Now, the scores of the night are that both Kerry and Toussaint,

and Ed and Lou have got two badges each, but Jess and Jamali have won

all three badges today.

So the overall scores so far for the week are

Jess and Jamaal are on four badges.

Kerry and Toussaint are on three badges,

and Ed and Lou are on two badges.

So, well done, all of you.

Now, I've got this app on my phone

that means I can control my central heating from here... Oh!

...and I'm going to treat myself and go for 22 cos, you know,

it's getting chilly.

Thanks all. Night-night. Night, David. Sleep well.

I'm thinking a lot about milking the goat.

I've got a feeling that I'd quite like to do it again.

You must camouflage yourselves and hide.

Can you see me? Just cover me in sticky tape.

Ow! Just Got to get in the head of Ed and Lou, haven't you?

I've become one with the tree.

People have done terrible things because of flags.

I'm happy. You're sad.

We're not going to be able to fly it because of the weight

of the metal.

It's fearless leader, David Mitchell.

♪ We go together like a horse and cart! ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media