All language subtitles for d.m.o.s01e02.720p.web.h264-skyfire

The Great Outdoors -
picturesque, peaceful,

unspoilt. Well, it's not for me.

It's all very pleasant viewed
through a gastro pub window,

but without the buildings,
it gets disgusting very quickly.

Just look at Glastonbury.
Still, some people love it,

and I'm challenging six comedians to
prove that they can survive in it.

For the next week, this forest
will be their home. Nettles!

Neighbour.
Hello.
Each day,
they'll be working in pairs...

I've never been camping before.

The closest I've come to roughing
it is buying own brand ketchup.

...learning vital skills...
Where
are all the trees? We're in a wood!

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now in
there.
...and competing for badges.

He's my little dolly!
Will they be
equipped to survive post-apocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms
and a bottle of tequila,

so yes, I've got all the right gear.

I'm already missing
the sound of the city.

Where's all the car horns?
Will
they crumble under the pressure?

Oh, my God! I think
there's a body in here!

I was in the Brownies, but I got
kicked out for wetting myself.

So it's just the whole environment
could be quite triggering for me,

really.
Or will they be naturals?

See, the guy who taught Bear
Grylls how to survive and that,

I taught him.
Oh, God!
Yeah, it
really is easy to cut your leg off!

Comedians wouldn't know one
end of an axe from the other,

which for axes, I believe,
is absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think they'll
last ten minutes without

ordering a pizza. And each evening,
I'll summon them to my HQ...

Please approach the temple of doubt.

...to give them my verdict. I think
you did the job, you get the badge.

Yes!
Yes!
Welcome to Outsiders.

Ah! OK, I'm going to need
an identical pair of these trousers.

It's day two,

and the traffic on the M25
wasn't actually too bad.

Last time,
two teams secured their first badge,

but one pair, let's call them
Ed and Lou, failed to win any.

Use the butt reverse shot,
by all means.

Oh, dear!

I hope you're...
SHE LAUGHS

Ed, I'm going to get a wet...
LAUGHS

Yeah, you haven't thought this
through. How's the hair, Lou?

Yeah...
No, mine.
Oh, no, terrible!
No? OK.

Lou, can you help us
win some badges today, please?

Ah, go on, then.

Morning, everyone. Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
Enjoying the fire?
Yes.
Yeah.

Nice the way the ash is going
in all directions.
Straight into my face, yeah.
Yeah.

But it mixes it up. Everyone gets a
turn.
Yeah, very democratic fire, in
that regard.

Are you ready for the next activity?
Yes.
Yeah.
Hit us with the laminate.

Right. There are no hairdresser's
in the woods,

so you're going to have
to learn to cut hair.

To earn your barbering badge,
you must give a volunteer a haircut.

I know you might think
logically in the wild you just need

a practical haircut, to get the hair
out of the way of the hunter

gathering, but actually, you've got
to think about self esteem.

You will be judged on how stylish
and sharp the haircut looks.

That's what I'm looking for,
a haircut that makes you go... Ah!

What a good haircut!

Goodness me, how sexy!
LAUGHTER

I'll be back in a bit.
Your time starts... now.

No, not yet. No, now it's started.

Let's go.

I'm assuming I'm allowed
to touch you.

I say that to all men!

Hello. I'm Ed.

Today, you're going to feel
like a million bucks when you walk
out of this wood.

OK, so hang on a minute...
I'm
actually a wizard with this, though.

Don't scare her.
Simon, are you single?

Well, not for long,
with our little cut!

In the spirit of transparency,
this is a comedy programme,

we're going to
fuck your hair up bad.

OK, just wait. Wait!

Jamali...

This is an actual person.
Oh, dear, Simon.
Simon...

Oh, Si-mooon.

Lou, should we discuss what we're
doing first before we start

brushing Simon's
hair like he's a dolly?

Yeah. He's my little dolly!

The producers did ask if I'd be up
for letting the teams cut my hair.

It was the easiest
decision of my entire career.

BUZZING
Please, don't just do that.
See, look.

Simon, if it hurts, just scream, OK?
Jamali, no!

You can't just... Jamali, please!

I can't believe you're doing this.

This is someone's actual hair.
It's that much. That's not mad.

But you're not even doing it evenly.
Right...

Because I'm just setting the tone
out of it.
Setting the tone?!

It's not a... garage night!

You're hiding a lot
of your beautiful face,

so we're going to probably
take off a lot of this.
Have you been on your holidays?

That's better.
Like that?
At least, use a comb.

That's what they teach you at
hairdressing school. At least, use
a comb.
And take that as well.

You don't have to.
Lou, have you
been to the hairdresser's before?
No, never.

OK, well, what they don't tend
to do is hand you your hair,

bit by bit, as they cut it off.

OK?
What... Oh, no, what have
you done?
Nothing.

Nothing to worry about, Simon.

Oh, dear!
That's as bald as a modern vagina.

And do you remember, Simon,
it does grow back, OK?

Scared?

Mate, you're going
to look really edgy.

There you are! You were hiding,
weren't you, before?

Oh, my God! You look like my mum!

That's a compliment.
Honestly, Holly, you look great.

How old are you, Holly?
32.

32. This haircut makes
you look about 45.

Er...
But like, in a good way.

No, it doesn't. She doesn't look...
You don't look 45. Are you crying?

No, I think... No.
It's all right.

I think my contact lens
has come out.

What are you doing?
Evening it out.
It's like a little Hitler.

You're...
That's a good
idea for the moustache.

It looks fine from the front.

No-one has two inches and then
hair at the top, like a toupee.

We've got to get it all off.
No, we're not. No way.

This is supposed to be
the stylish cut.

Can you stop going mental?!
What are you doing?!

Jamali!

Oh, my God...

Poor woman!

Not poor woman, you're fine.
It's going to look great.

You know what I think
we should do with the beard?
Yeah?

What about a line
down the middle gone?

That is good.
It's very distinguished.

I am a bit worried about your hair.
No, no, no, no. We never say that.

Now, shall we put
flowers in the hair?

It's actually quite nice.
Yeah.

Oh, that's lovely!
Yeah.
Yes!
That's
it! That's a lovely statement piece.

Just so that David doesn't know
you've been crying.
Yeah, just...

Don't tell David you cried.
Sorry that we got hair in your eye,
I mean.

What you need to do to maintain
this hairstyle is just water

the plants, you know, every three
to five days. All right?

There we go! I think we did...
I think we nailed that.

Yeah, we nailed that.
We didn't
nail this. This looks horrible!

I think we're done, Kerry. I think
it looks great.

Excuse me. Trampling bluebells.
Hello.
Ta-da!

Presenting Simon's new look.
Oh!

So, front on, obviously,
the main impact point is the beard,

which we've trimmed down
to a square at the bottom
and then removed the middle segment.

Oh, yes,
you have.
A reverse Brazilian.
Yes.

Nice to get a genital
reference in there.
Yes.

That is... That is a look.

You've streamlined...
We've streamlined it, yeah.

We've given him a bit of a mullet.
There's a touch of mullet.

Mullet's on trend.
Is it?
Even in the woods.

And it's mullet with...
With added fern.
With a fascinator.
With ferns, yeah.

You could see this bloke doing
a photo shoot like this in Vogue.

Or Gardeners' World.

Hello.
Hi, David!
Hi!
Welcome to our salon.

Thank you very much.
The demon, himself.

This is Holly. I can take them off
now, but this is the fashion look.

We've put a fringe in,

she didn't have a fringe before,
which is obviously fantastic now.

We've got a couple of layers
in the back.
Oh, yeah, there's...

There's some layers.
There's definitely...

A chunky sort of uneven layer.

The head hair... Tell me what you've
done there.
So, obviously...

Have you heard of Hitler?
That's not how Hitler's hair was.
Oh, really?

If anything, I'd say the whole look
is a lot more Franz Ferdinand.

Oh, yeah, lovely.
And I don't mean
the band, obviously.
Ah!

I was referring to the
assassinated Habsburg.

Were you going for symmetry?
I knew it!

I told you he'd be keen on symmetry.
You've got exactly
the kind of personality that wants

a bit of symmetry. It's shapes.
You've got to think shapes.

It's very slimming.

It is, yeah.
There you go, mate.
So it's heightening and slimming.

Which is what you want.
And it brings out his eyes.

Is it just me or is there a little
bit more hair on that side...?

Well, she's got a side parting.
Right, so...
So there is more...

That's part of it.
There is
more hair on this side.

But it is even.
Yeah.
We checked that.
Yeah.

You do this. That's how you check.
Yeah, very good.

He had very long hair before
and now that's extremely tidy.

And also the bluebells, that is
a nice touch.
Yeah.

You've gone, I will say,
quite high...
Yeah.

The point where you've
decided his hair should cease.

It's reminiscent of that portrait
of Henry V.
You love history.

You do like history.
You love Henry V.

Henry V, I would say,
is a complicated figure,

I couldn't entirely endorse.
But everything comes
back into fashion, though, David,

so it's surely the Henry V
hair time again soon.
Yeah.

So, a bit Henry V,
a bit Franz Ferdinand.

They both died before their time.
Simon, I hope you fare better.

There you go! Look at that!
He's not crying and that's a win.

You think it's supposed to be
symmetrical, from looking at it?

I think so, yeah.
Yeah.
He's happy.
I'm not sure what they were going
for.
Yeah.

You would see that on the front
cover of Toni & Guy magazine.

And would that be a sort of... this
person needs a haircut,

or this is our finest...?

It would be an
after, not a before.
Yeah.

That is honestly a good haircut,
David.

It's also practical
in the wilderness to have less hair.
Much more practical.

The hair you had before,
you could get caught in bushes

when you're trying to...
Axes.
...catch a weasel for lunch.

Now, you're just straight through
that weasel, it's finished.
Yeah.

I'm going to have to go
and have a think.

There's some very interesting
restyles that you're up against.

Oh, really?
But David, just to say we are
accepting walk-ins today,

if you wanted to...
Strangely, I've
had two recent offers of haircuts.

OK.
But I can't remember where from.
But...
Oh, OK.

No, no, if you're all right,
if you've got it covered,

then that's fine.
See you later.

I do need teat access as well, though.

Cos at the moment,
it's like I'm mounting the goat
and grabbing her tits.

Condoments.

Looks to me
like three condoms tied to a stick.

Ooh! What are these? Goats?
Goat friends.

Hello!
Hello.
It's the sacrifice round.

Supermarkets are no longer
an option in the wild,

so the only way to get milk is to
take it directly from the source.

To earn your goat milking badge,
you must get as much

milk as you can from a goat and then
use it to cook something delicious.

Ah!
Which I will then eat.
Lou's
a vegan.
Have you got any almonds?

I'm going to milk an almond.
You don't want to milk a goat?
They're full of milk.

No, but the babies need the milk.
They will be fed.

They're not going to allow those
goats to die of hunger.
Yeah.

I don't know what their long term
prospects are, I doubt

they're going to university, but
they are not going to die of hunger.

The truth is that the goat has
to be happy to produce the most
amount of milk.

So this is a nice
sort of Kobe beef scenario,

where happy animals create
deliciousness, rather than

the foie gras scenario where the
deliciousness comes from torture.

So with that in mind, think
about how you're going to make them

feel relaxed, make them feel happy
and make them just gush with liquid.

Yeah.
Um... Best of luck.

I used to be a goat milker.
You used
to be a milker of goats?
Yeah.

OK, so you're probably the... You
probably should be in charge, then.

Will you hold the jugs
and I'll grab the jugs?

I'll hold the laminate
and you can hold the teat.

I was just trying to make you feel
relaxed. I have never... I don't...

It worked. I feel...
Yeah, you felt
really reassured, didn't you?

Very relaxed, yeah.

Can you just be quite
while I read the rules, please?

Come on, so unprofessional.

"You must get as much
milk as you can from your goat

"and then turn in something
for David to eat."

"You will have to calm
the goat before milking,

"using whatever technique you
deem most suitable."

Do you have any expertise
in relieving milk from teats?

Only my own!
Yeah,
that's what I'm saying, like...

I tell you what makes my girlfriend
happy... Flowers.

Would you like some flowers?

So can you adopt that same
technique?

I think her nipples might be
a little bit bigger than mine.

Let's just try a little calm
headlock, OK? There we go. Yeah.

Don't worry, don't worry.
Don't worry, don't worry.

I do need teat access as well
though. At the moment, it's like
I'm mounting the goat

and grabbing her tits.

Give the goat the flowers.
Here's some flowers.

Oh, she's just going to eat them.
I mean, your girlfriend

and this goat are different
creatures altogether.

Yeah... You say that.

You know I'm supposed to be milking
the goat, right? Cos it seems like

you're also offering yourself
up to be milked.

Look, I'll hold the leg...
Don't.
You get the tit.

Make sure I avoid the vagina.
Go on.
What vagina?

The goat vagina, man!
Where is it?

This is harder than I thought.
I actually can't even see the udder.

I don't know...
Oh, my God! It's coming out.

There you go.
I'm a milkmaid.

Will it keep you calm
if I let you meet a celebrity?

I'm calming her, but she's not very
calm at the moment.
Right.

I've already been told we've been
given the most difficult goat.

Who told you that?
The goat people.

As in, the experts. I'm not...
There aren't any...

There's no Mr Tumnus running around
or anything.
Not a satyr.
No.

I'm going to get independent
confirmation that you have

been given the most difficult goat.
Feel free.

I'm going to leave you to calm...

Thanks, David.
The difficult goat.

Darling!
Off I go.

I mean, they're in a very
difficult situation.

They're at a point in their lives
where the state of mind of a goat

is key to their prosperity
and you know, in theory,

their survival. It won't even
stand still at the moment.

Oh, we're getting somewhere.

Oh, we shouldn't shout.

Oh, here we go.

Yes, Maria.
Don't spoil it, David.

Is milk coming out?
Milk's coming out.

There's what I would describe
as a dribble.

No, Maria, please come on.

We're friends now.

They've had a bit of milk out of her
and she seems calmer.

She doesn't seem totally
relaxed, but like beginning

of a cocktail party,

maybe this will be fun.

I don't think it's ethical to give
a goat a glass of wine, but I think

that was probably exactly
what would help.

Maria... Oh, God.

It's like you've had a row.

I'm adopting a soft goat
approaching walk that I've invented.

Oh.
Good, thank you.

So how's it going?
You don't need to do that.

We just been grabbing her by the hem
and milking it.

I can see milk coming out.

They're doing really well.

What's interesting is that
the others are focusing

on calming, calming, calming.

But what they're going with is just
grabbing the goat,

holding it still and milking
away and excuse the gesture.

But... and I think weirdly, that's
what's making the goat calm.

It's all very well milking a goat.

But can they turn it into
something nice for me to eat

if I don't get dysentery?

They'll probably get a badge.

I don't know how much the others
have got, but we've got something.

These two have found a non-dairy
substitute.
And we've got oat milk.

How reassuringly middle class.

I think we pour the oat
milk into the goat milk

and then technically that's
still goat milk because "oat"

is within "goat".
It's g-oat...
It's g-oat milk.

This is it, man.
Look at this shit.

Hello.

Please don't put coffee in it.

Please don't put coffee in it.

Listen, what I'm saying is...
is we make a little different

because everyone's is just
going to be...

No, no, no.

Ed Gamble wouldn't put coffee
in his pancake.

I want us to win a badge.

Shall we just...

But let's have fun on the way!

Fucking hell!

Well, you might want two pancakes.

Let's back ourselves.
Let's think this through.

We're making it with disgusting,
unpasteurised hairy goat's milk.

You're going to want two
of those?

Heat up the oil first.

OK, do you know what?

You take over.

This is not how teams work,

Jamali. Teams work together.

It's not just one person doing
something and then the other person

stepping aside and going

"All right,
well, you fuck it up, then."

Oh, no, you fuck it up.

Have you got a girlfriend?

No. I wonder why.

You said some hurtful things.

I'm just going to work on my
coffee mixture.

Oh...

And you can do what you're doing.

OK.

Please, please don't, don't,
don't, don't fuck with me now.

You've got to put some effort in.

You've got to like...
I put so much
effort into that.

That's a lovely, smooth batter.

You grab me a cup, please.

What for? Oh, my hat's here.
I forgot my hat.

No, Jamali.

is that coffee?
It's coffee.
No!

We're good, we're good.

But look at that.

Honestly.

NO!!!

Let me see if I could make
a little goat.

That's a badge. Fucking hell!

It looks... I mean, it didn't really
look like a goat to start with,

to be honest.

But I think I think...
The effort
is appreciated, right?

That's quite cool.

I think it's quite arty.

Yeah, it's very arty.

Chefs in, like, really fancy
hotels,

They make things...
if it doesn't contaminate.

Look at that.

Maria's teats.

Maria's teats!
Really happy with that.

Shall we do a sauce?
Yeah.
I'm gonna wipe...

Ed's very good in the kitchen.

Well, like they do on MasterChef,
you know.
You really are

the full package.

Apart from a little bit too angry
now and again.

That looks so disgusting.

Going to put a bit of sugar
over that.

That is proper rank, mate.
It's horrible.

That is so gross.

You know what, I genuinely
thought it would taste nice.

That is that is honestly one of
the worst things I've ever tasted.

That is so horrible.

Sorry, David, mate.
What have you done?

And it's going to solidify.

But... NO! Jamali!
I'm sorry.

Listen, we're going down,

we're going to go down, innit?
For God's sake!

Right! Let's go.
On y va.

French for let's go.

A taste test in a tent.

It's never been done before.

David, might I say you look
gorgeous today?

You might.

Thank you very much.

There isn't an arse-licking badge!

Give it a go.

I'm trying to do it like Gregg
Wallace or Paul Hollywood.

What's the brown?

Is that part of it?

Have you eaten pancakes before?
I have eaten pancakes before.

Are you questioning how
I should eat...?

Have you eaten pancakes on telly?
I have, and you know, now and again

I'll use a knife rather than hacking
at it with a fork.

What, eat it with a knife and
fork?

OK, fine.

I'll, you know, I'll pretend
it's a lasagne.

Right.

Ooh!

Oh, it's nice.
Wow.

The pancake tastes sort
of plain but edible.

I mean, very plain.
With the stuff...

Yeah...
I like it.

OK, now this has got a garnish.

Hmm.

I appreciate the effort.

I don't know whose that is,
but the presentation, it does look

quite good, doesn't it?
Yeah.

And that goat looks nice
on the top of that pancake.

I like that.

That's... I hadn't noticed that.

That's a bit of a garnish itself.

This is different garnish,
bit more natural.

But of course, by putting a mossy
twig as part of the dish, you need

the eater to have confidence
that it isn't just something

that you've put on there
from the forest floor

that might contain the turd
of a squirrel.

This looks quite eggy.

I think that's quite omelette-y.

Tasty, though, eh?

DAVID CHOKES

It's like a cross between
a pancake and an omelette.

I mean, you've made pancakes
and they shouldn't be that eggy.

And if it was an omelette,
it should be even eggier,

so...
In a way, we've
created something new.

Well, maybe it is a new dish.

Um, this one has got a garnish

of diarrhoea, um...
I'm sure
the people that cooked it

don't think it's diarrhoea.

It's OK. It's not diarrhoea.
It's solidified. It doesn't...

That won't happen with diarrhoea,
however long you wait.

Nice bit of sugar on that.

Just try with that with the brown
sugar.

Try it with the diarrhoea now.

Imagine if it... actually was
a bit of a prank.

Prank!

This whole
show was an elaborate prank to try

and make me....;
Make you eat
some shit.
Yeah.

Oh, it's got coffee in it!

That's quite advanced.

It's like a coffee sauce.

The truth is, I like them all.

But may I say thank you very much?

That's what I call food.

It's high in carbohydrate
and it's sort of grey,

creamy in colour.

I would like to exclusively
eat this sort of thing,

but dieticians think otherwise.

See you all later.

Thanks very much.

I enjoyed these. More egg.

This is my favourite,
but it's wrong.

That looks rather beautiful.

Like a giant dewdrop.

Have you seen Honey, I Shrunk The
Kids?
I haven't seen it.

Have you seen Honey,
I've Got Cancer In One Ball?

Now, in the wild, you have to be
able to make use of

whatever you find,

so to win their repurposing
badge,

the teams have to find as many
survival uses for an everyday item

that they've come across
as possible.

And here's the everyday item.

A condom.

Saucy.

Like to reassure you this wasn't
just in my pocket anyway.

It's a prop I've been given.

I'm a relentlessly un-sexual
person, and I certainly

wouldn't want to undermine
that cold image.

Obviously, in general, we want them
to survive on things that they find.

But we're thinking about
a post-apocalyptic society.

There are things that are left.

Maybe a prophylactic machine from
a pub has washed up on the beach.

They've got to use those
little rubbers for something,

and they don't want to use them
for their original purpose

because they need the population.

If they put these on the end
of their knobs,

I will be furious.

It's chocolate.

Yeah.
So you might need that.

Yeah, I'm going to taste a condom.

Theatre shows.

Oh, puppet shows to entertain
people, keep their spirits up.

A makeshift cocktail maker,
you just shake

it up and down...
And we get
another wank joke out of it.

Sleeping bag for a mouse.

Sleeping bag for a mouse.
There we go.

This badge is in the bag.

What is this badge - johnny badge?

Hi, how are you doing?

Really well.
With the condom.
We've got every eventuality

in the world covered.
That would be ideal.

It's the full survival solution.

The full package, shall we say?

Great, because that's a reference
to a penis, isn't it?

What have you got
to show me?

You can obviously fill them
with water, freeze them in the cold

and remove the outer wrapping.

You've got yourself a lollipop.

Plain flavoured lollipop.

Just a hint of strawberry.

A hint of strawberry or
chocolate...

In the shape of a condom penis.

Is the package the penis

or the package, the sort
of penis...

If someone said nice package,
you'd think it's all of it.

No-one's ever said
that to me - nice package.

Sorry to hear that.
Thank you very much.

I don't think you get much of a...
The chinos don't show it off.
No.

My problem with the lollipop
idea is the conditions

under which you manufacture
the lollipop are exactly

the opposite to the conditions

in which you would like to
consume them.

Hi. Now. so, what have you got to
show me?

Well, first of all, can I offer
you a bottle of water?

Oh! That looks rather
beautiful.

Nice, isn't it?
Like a giant dewdrop.

Yeah. Have you seen Honey,
I Shrunk The Kids?

It's like when they go into
the garden.
I haven't seen it.

Have you seen Honey,
I've Got Cancer In One Ball?

That was straight to video, I think.

Right. This...

When you're swimming in a river
looking for salmon, you'll need

a webbed hand.

Webbed hand.

Webbed hand for...
Speed.
Swimming.
Efficiency.

That... absolutely, yeah,
absolutely that.

You have turned our hand
into a duck's foot.

We've got a puppet show as well

to entertain the children
to keep the mood up.

Oh, hello, I'm Ketchup!
And I'm Mustard.

I'm popular with everybody.

And I'm more of an acquired taste.

I'm sweet...
and I'm spicy...
but we both go well on hot dogs.

Take a bow.

I enjoyed that very much.

Thank you.

And I think there's actually
a message for children because not

everyone can be
Ketchup, can they?
Exactly.

Some people are Mustard.
Tell me about it.
Yeah.

Cond... iments.

Explain how it works.

It looks to me like three
condoms tied to a stick.

Would you like tea or coffee, sir?
There's teabags in there.

Teabags in there.
Tea, please.

Cool. I'll get one teabag.

And would you like sugar?
One wank of sugar or two?

Actually, no wanks of sugar.

No wanks of sugar.

Oh, toilet.

Some... one person would.

Are you shitting in a condom?

So someone would squat over
and someone would hold it open

and then pop the shit in there.

Tie it off at the top.

You could bury it.

Well, we might be in a situation
where it might be toxic.

Keep it out of the water supply.

Keep it out of the water supply.

No, imagine that in your little den
area and it's got

all your hot beverages available.

So storage solution?

It's a storage solution.

I was just worrying
it might go claggy.

If you were to...
That's going to be
the least

of your problems with this scenario.
True.

OK, but that's nice.

You've got never-ending
chewing gum.

What's the survival purpose of that?

Suppresses the appetite?
Suppresses
the appetite and it just, you know,

keep masticating.

Swimming cap.
Yeah.
As demonstrated
by...
What is the survival...?

I mean, you've really... goodness
me.

And David, this this is what

we consider to be our
piece de resistance.

You've made a weapon.
Yes.

So we can have war again!

We can have war again and also
for hunting.

That's not how a catapult works.

Yeah, I think you have to fire
something with it.

Not just part of it.

What you've done there is
the equivalent of taking the ring

off the end of a cannon and
frisbee-ing it.

Pretend you're a wild animal.

You're about to attack me.
You're a bear.
I don't...

Commit to the role play.
You've got
to commit.
I don't like range!

Come on, David.
Rarr!
Boom.

Yeah, actually, that would
freak me out because it's all

psychology with bears.

You're round the campfire.
Yeah.

OK, what do you want?

You want some music. Ba-dom bom,
ba-dom bom-bom.
It's the bass.

I suppose you could get used to it.

It's a bit like when there are
people doing up the house next door.

It's annoying to start with...
And
then it grows on you, doesn't it?

This one's strawberry flavour.
Yes.

And in a world where there's no
sugar, but we still have some

basics, we could maybe cook
something in this.
A flavouring.

It's a flavouring.
To strawberry-ise some rice.

It's like strawberry
condom-flavoured rice.

I mean, it may be that a time
of relentless blandness in food

you'll cook up some rice...

Mate, you'd be begging for it.
And it's like, Oh, Jess has made

her condom rice again. Yay!

Thank you very much indeed.

Oh, well, I'll see you later
for a strawberry...

See you later for
some spermicidal food.

You see it on telly, don't you?
People, like, cooking things

on fires and stuff.

I do things like on
the coals of a barbecue

just throw... put a whole aubergine
on the coals.

I've done a leg of lamb on a sunbed.

A leg of lamb on a sunbed?
Yeah.
Are you just making...?

Don't put a biscuit in your mouth
after you've said

a leg of lamb on a sunbed.

Why have you got a sunbed,
but not a cooker?

It's all a lie.

When I'm in a hotel when I was on
the road,

I heated a pizza with an iron...
Did you?

...and I and I had a curry
and it was still in the milk

container and I cooked it on an
iron.

I've made stuff in a kettle.
Are you serious?

Yeah. Yeah, I made pasta.

I made a boiled egg in a kettle
once.
Not in a hotel kettle.

Someone's definitely pissed in that.
Yeah, but you disinfect it.

someone's pissed in that?!
Is that what people do?

Oh, yeah.
People piss in hotel
kettles? Are you joking?

When I was about 16 was, prom night.

We went to his hotel
and we all pissed in the kettle.

Sorry, is this a known thing that

we're just not supposed to drink
out of hotel kettles?
Yeah!

Well, especially if I if I was
in the room at 16, definitely

I was pissed in kettles.

Men are fucking pigs, sorry
to say.

Have you ever used a Shewee? Those
funnels.

I used one at Glastonbury once, it
was amazing.
Did it work?

I thought it just leaks. Piss down
your leg.

I went into the, like, women's
urinal.

So it was just so funny going in
there and seeing loads

of like pert little bottoms.

I know a girl that taught us how to
piss against the wall.

You can just pull your hood up and
is this going to go in?

So no-one can see your face?
THEY LAUGH

No, you just used it as stand,

you know, pull the hood up and you
can actually do it.

I mean, I don't know if that's the
content they're looking for, but...

THEY LAUGH
Oh, my God.

Cut to commercial.

Will you please make your way
to the HQ immediately?

He's fully committed to that,
isn't he?

I'm glad you're pleased
with what you created there,

and he was pleased!
Well, I hope
that can be its own reward.

THEY LAUGH

We're nearing the end of the
Outsiders' second day

in the forest, which thankfully
means I can go home soon.

Today they've learned some
valuable survival skills.

That's if you consider cutting
hair...

This is someone's actual hair.

...milking goats...

At the moment, it's like I'm
mounting the goat

and grabbing her tits.

...and pissing about with condoms.

Valuable survival skills.

Agh!
Boom!

Yeah, actually, that... that would
freak me out.

Time to find out if it's all
been worth it.

Teams, will you please
make your way to the HQ

at your earliest convenience?

He's fully committed to that,
isn't he?

Which is a polite way of saying
immediately.

It's like Reservoir Dogs.

Hello!

Welcome, Outsiders.

You all reek of goat's cheese
and spermicide.

THEY LAUGH

You dirty bastards.

Now, let's review the performances
of the day.

Firstly, goat milking.

I really enjoyed watching you milk
the goats, but it's because I found

it was like watching Wimbledon
in the I got to the point

where I thought I knew what you
should do.

So how would you have done it?

My feeling was from observing
you that the goats

were craving firmness.

You all had moments of firmness
and moments of doubt, as we all do,

and I felt it was in the moments
of firmness, oddly,

that the goats were calmest.

You know what? I think it's
confidence.

Yeah, well, I looked over at Jess
and Jamali and Jess was very

confidently sat on a log watching
Jamali do it.

We just choked our goat.
Nice comforting choke.

Jessica runs round and grabs
on the teat, that was pretty much...

The situation with milking a goat,
I'm told,

is that you can get about two
litres.

In one milking?
In one milking.

Yeah, not over its lifetime.
HE LAUGHS

Shall I tell you what you got
out of the goat?

Well, we all know you.

You and Toussaint got
50ml.

You know, it's not two litres,
but it's...
It's a nipple's worth.

Look, before it gets to us, let's
shut our mouths.
Wise words.

Yeah.
Team talk with Ed Gamble.

Jamali and Jess.

150ml.
Correct.
150ml.

Now, that is approaching 10%
of what could have been got,

and I don't think that's bad.

First go on a goat. Ed and Lou...

Yeah.
Unmeasurable by science.

Well, we go...

You did get some out.
Yeah, one squirt.

We're going with 1ml.
Fair enough.

Which I'm told is that.
Yes.
Wow.

I know you're going to shout at us
if we tell

you that we had the most difficult
goat, but that is what we were told.

Well, I don't know if you realise
this, but you have mentioned

that before.
I know, and you seemed
angry at the time

so should I bring it up again now?

To be honest, I was irritated.

Yes.
I said to the team, "For God's
sake, give Ed and Lou an easy goat

"because otherwise we'll never hear
the end of it."

And now this is me not hearing
the end of it.

Yes.
I mean, so far, I haven't
heard the end of it.

Maybe I will hear the end of it.

Cos when we saw all the goats...
No,
I haven't heard the end of it.

...they pointed at one and they said,

"That's the most difficult one, and
that's a jumper."

And then it jumped over the fence,

and that's the goat we ended up
with. It was so frustrating.

It had the fullest udders.

And I think it's like, you know,
when you really need to go

to the toilet and there's
just that second where you're like,

"I don't think I can go
because there's so much in there,"

I think that's what Gloria was.

And someone grabs a hold of you.
DAVID LAUGHS

That's all you want is
Vladimir Putin to take a firm hold

of the little fella.

Now, I'm not going to continue
with the pantomime of pretending

I don't know which pancakes
which cos you all made

it patently obvious.

Yes, they weren't perfect food,
any of them.

The diarrhoea sauce looked
like diarrhoea.

Your pancake was a little bit
cardboard-y

and your pancake tasted like an
omelette.

But I like omelettes more than
pancakes

so that was a plus for me.

Two breakfast foods in one.

I have only one question to ask,
which is, Lou and Ed,

how did you make such a competent
pancake with only one

millilitre of milk?
We used the
go-oat milk and we poured it in...

I beg your pardon?
The go-oat milk.
Yeah.
The goat milk.

Listen, cloth ears.
Cloth ears?

Goodness me, I've been rebuked
in a school in 1952.

Well, I've learned my lesson
from the goat. I'm using firmness.

It was a millilitre of goat milk
with oat milk,

which is also within oat milk.

So you used oat milk and your
defence for that is that it uses

75% of the letters.
And you love
language.

So how did you source the oat milk?

Was it...? Did you grow some oats
and crush them?

We asked one of the young
runners to get it.

THEY LAUGH

Well, I'm going to have to make
a decision.

Is this goat badge or cooking
badge?

There's one badge for both,

and you all did the cooking part of
it.

So it comes down to the
goat milking.

You didn't milk the goat, you did.
You get a goat badge.

And I think 50ml is more
than I could get out of a goat.

You get the goat milking badge.
What?!
Yes!

OK, well done.

All right. Now, the next badge we're
going to discuss

the repurposing badge where you all
had to come up with different ideas

for what to do with condoms.

I thought this was a triumph.

This is my sort of comfort area.

THEY LAUGH

You said you could shit in one
and so did you.

THEY LAUGH
So that was a great minds...

Great minds think alike.
I thought
you all did absolutely brilliantly.

I don't think this has ever happened
before and all of the history

of this programme, so for the first
time ever, I'm going to give

you all the repurposing badge.

Of course, for Ed, this is your
first badge

and this is the worst possible
kind of first badge you could have,

which is what you'd expect
from life.

You got the worst goat and you have
the worst first-time badge.

The first time we get a badge it
makes literally no difference.

Yes, like A-level General Studies.

Nevertheless, I was really pleased
and impressed.

Well done.
Thank you.

The other badge was, of course,
barbering or hairdressing

or being a stylist.

Jess and Jamali, how do you feel
that went for you?

It was a pretty confident
start from Jamali.

I'll give it that.
Yeah.
I kind of
went in, like, with the trim a bit.

Yeah, we found the razor and Jamali
got a little bit razor happy.

This is, uh... This is what for
the other teams to see.

Oh, lovely.
That's the cut.
What do you think?

Oh, really nice.
I mean, I think it
ended up all right, actually.

I did have to keep reminding Jamali
that it was a human person,

an actual human woman with hair.

I think at first glance, she looked
like she'd had a proper haircut.

What about at second glance?

Second glance, you could tell that
she hadn't.

It's like if you saw in in the real
world at first glance, you think

normal woman and then you'd look
again and then you'd go,

"Hang on, she's mad."

THEY LAUGH

"She's cut her own hair."

You know, that's dangerous
to the community. So no badge.

No, no. On the contrary, I would say
that is a level of hairdressing

competence I was not expecting
from you.

I'm giving you the badge.
Oh, thank you. Appreciate it.

Well done.
Well done.

It did look good, that looked really
good.
Yeah.

Now, Ed and Lou.

Hello. Simon.
That's Simon there.

Lovely. He looks lovely.
Wow.
Pretty nice.

He doesn't look bad.

It's got nice little bits
of bluebells and very,

very sharp lines there.

I was worried afterwards and I said,

"I am a bit worried if you like
that."

And he said, "Well, I've had it like
this before. Absolutely love it."

He said, "Well, this will sum up the
haircut."

He said, "I've had it like this
before. I played Lurch

"in a community production of
The Adams Family!"

THEY LAUGH

It sounds like it's a look
that isn't going to interfere

with his lifestyle.
it was very
neat round the back.

I think it's neat, it's smart.

You've gone for a look,
you've delivered the look.

You did a good job.

You're getting the badge.
Yes!

Now...
That means so much to me!

That means so much to Ed
and Lou is sort of fine with...

I've come along for the ride.

Now, Kerry and Toussaint, this is
Massimo.

Massimo. Yeah.
Oh, my God.

That's the after shot?

Oh, yes, Lou, that's the after shot.

Oh, come on. He looks great.

He's got a mullet, it's
asymmetrical.

He's got a bracken fascinator...
A bracken fascinator!

I think he looks, in many ways,
very nice.

Striking.
He has nice eyes.

The thing about him I'm not
so keen on is his haircut.

THEY LAUGH

You shaved quite a bit off one side

and noticeably less off the
other side.

He's got a haircut,
which is a talking point.

Now you can meet people and they go,
"Wow, what's with the haircut?"

There's a story there.
We gave him a
personality.

"What's with the ferns?" And he can
talk about it.

Of the three people who came to have
their hair done,

it was all over the place, he needed
hairdressing.
He needed focus.

I think when you'd finish
with him, he looked worse.

We created a sculpture.

It was a sculpture!

He's a human being,
not a lump of marble.

I'm moved by your passion.

I'm glad you are pleased...
We're not gonna get a badge, are we?

I'm glad you pleased with
what you created there.

And he was pleased.
Well, I hope
that can be its own reward.

THEY LAUGH

So I'm afraid you don't get
the badge there.

Now, the scores of the night
are that both Kerry and Toussaint,

and Ed and Lou have got two badges
each, but Jess and Jamali have won

all three badges today.

So the overall scores so far for the
week are

Jess and Jamaal are on four badges.

Kerry and Toussaint are on
three badges,

and Ed and Lou are on two badges.

So, well done, all of you.

Now, I've got this app on my phone

that means I can control my
central heating from here...
Oh!

...and I'm going to treat myself and
go for 22 cos, you know,

it's getting chilly.

Thanks all. Night-night.
Night, David.
Sleep well.

I'm thinking a lot about milking
the goat.

I've got a feeling that I'd quite
like to do it again.

You must camouflage yourselves
and hide.

Can you see me?
Just cover me
in sticky tape.

Ow!
Just Got to get in the head of
Ed and Lou, haven't you?

I've become one with the tree.

People have done terrible things
because of flags.

I'm happy. You're sad.

We're not going to be able to fly
it because of the weight

of the metal.

It's fearless leader,
David Mitchell.

♪ We go together
like a horse and cart!
♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media