Original subtitles

The great outdoors - picturesque, peaceful, unspoiled.

Well, it's not for me.

It's all very pleasant viewed through a gastro pub window,

but without the buildings, it gets disgusting

very quickly. Just look at Glastonbury.

Still, some people love it, and I'm challenging six comedians

to prove that they can survive in it.

For the next week, this forest will be their home.

- - Nettles! - Neighbour. - Hello.

Each day they'll be working in pairs...

I've never been camping before.

The closest I've come to roughing it is buying own brand ketchup.

...learning vital skills...

We're here for six days.

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now in there.

...and competing for badges.

Wah!

Will they be equipped to survive post-apocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms and a bottle of tequila,

so, yes, I've got the right gift.

I'm already missing the sound of the city.

Where's all the car horns?

Will they crumble under the pressure?

No!

I was in the Brownies, but I got kicked out for wetting myself,

so the whole environment could be quite triggering for me, really.

Or will they be naturals?

You see the guy who taught Bear Grylls how to survive and that?

I taught him.

- Oh, God. - Yeah, it really is easy to cut your leg off.

Comedians wouldn't know one end of an axe from the other,

which for axes I believe is absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think they'll last ten minutes

without ordering a pizza.

And each evening, I'll summon them to my HQ...

Please approach the temple of doubt.

...to give them my verdict.

I think you did the job, you get the badge.

- Yes! - Yes!

Welcome to Outsiders.

Can I get a golf buggy back to my car?

Hello, Outsiders.

Welcome to my HQ.

What do you think?

- - It's nice. - It's lovely. - It's nice? Very nice.

It's basically a TV designer's interpretation of my personality.

Well, the key question here that you'll be answering

all week is - do you think you can survive without the support

of a complex civilisation?

You'll be competing to win these badges. At the end of the week,

the team with the most badges wins.

I'm looking forward to the axe throwing.

What happens with the goat? Combing your hair.

- And the blindfolding. - Yeah.

Well, these are just little clues. And putting a condom on.

That's looks like it's playing Risk, um,

decorating your nipple...

Uh, heraldry.

But in a real survival situation you wouldn't have me

sitting in judgment. You could just kill me and eat me on day one.

Now, here is your first badge.

In the wild, wood is key for food, shelter and warmth,

so you'll need to gather it in large quantities

if you want to survive. To earn your lumberjack badge,

you will have to successfully cut down a tree.

You must first check that the tree is free from wildlife.

All trees have got wildlife in them. How do we get the wildlife out?

- Yeah, like insects and shit. - We all know there is a hierarchy with

wildlife, and anything without a backbone... We're all in the food chain, babe.

You can't call David Mitchell babe.

First time for everything. All of the trees

that you'll be cutting down are trees that have been marked out

for cutting down already. They've - come to the end of their lives. - Oh.

- This is tree euthanasia. - Exactly.

The Dignitas for trees. - Quick question, David. - Yes?

What if someone has remarkably little upper body strength

- for their size? - Well, then they would fail to survive

and they should rely on a complex civilisation where you can make

money by standing with a microphone and making humorous observations.

And, yeah, well, off you go.

We're now going to go and cut down - a tree? - You go, cut down a tree.

I'm going to come and see how you're doing.

And if you do it well, you'll get a badge.

- Good luck! - Thank you!

They've got till lunchtime to cut down their trees, which feels

like an age away, but is in fact an hour.

It's best I carry the axe cos I'm wearing the lumberjack shirt.

You are the most qualified to carry the axe out of the two of us.

I'm excited about this pairing, but I must warn you

that I have bruised my coccyx and I'm just recovering

from a broken toe. But apart from that, I'm ready to go.

Great. What a team.

And I'm diabetic and classically lazy.

What about this one?

What about this one next to the camera?

- I think that's a hint. - Do you think it's that one?

- What about this one? - Yeah.

- Get that boy down. - Cos that - is already on a bit of a wonk. - Yeah.

So, if we let it fall this way... Yeah.

These have all got leaves.

That is a sign of life.

Yeah. But that one's really ugly.

Oh, I feel bad but I suppose you've got... Have a chat with it,

- see if it's all right with it. - OK.

- - Lou? - Yeah? - When people hug trees, I don't think they aggressively

thrust their crotch into them.

Oh, it said because it got the crotch,

it's absolutely fine with it.

It's a really big tree.

I'm quite nervous about chopping that down.

Let's just consult the laminate. Wear protective goggles,

check. Gloves, check.

I'm not wearing gloves. No, no, please! Serious?

You're not going to wear gloves? What's the gloves going to do?

Keep you from chopping a finger off!

Do you think this won't go through a finger?

We don't need the instructions. No. Go and get the instructions.

I'm sort of more of an instinct player.

Yeah. Which is why I've got the axe.

First, check for wildlife.

Is there any wildlife?

Is there anybody in there?

You're quite in touch with nature. Can you do some of your noises?

Awooga, wooga! Awooga, wooga!

Yeah, we're fine.

As you bring the axe down to strike the tree,

your right hand will slide - down the handle. - Like this?

- Wank the axe? - Could be.

Shall I unsheathe this? Should I bang this out?

Yeah, put your gloves on. No, no, no. Jamali!

OK. All right, Mum.

OK.All right, I'm not having mum. Fucking mum over here.

"Jamali!"

OK, I'm going to get out your way. Are you not going to do the...?

You look more qualified to do the axe.

Do you think? So, if I'm doing axing, you do sawing?

If you're doing axing, I'll do reading laminate.

I think it's like... Don't do that thing where it swings

round and hits your leg. Don't hit myself

- - in the leg with it? - Yeah. - OK.

I'm really worried about this!

Oh, God.

Oh, that's good. Well done.

Flipping heck. Have you done - this before? - Nope.

Do you work by the carrot or the stick? Like carrot's

positivity, like, "You're doing a great job." The stick is,

"Try harder, you loser." Bit of both, please.

OK. Um, you're doing a great job, you idiot.

- Oh, God. - Yeah. It really is easy cut your leg off, to be fair.

- Oh! - A lot of superficial damage.

But you're not doing enough proper...

Get in there. That's it.

Oh, shit.

This is going to take hours.

Are we going for a wide wound or are we going for...?

- I beg your pardon. - Sorry.

Your turn.

I should take my top off, - actually. - Yeah, take your top off.

Do you want to see my little titties swinging around in slow motion?

Hello.

- Hey. - What's the thinking?

The thinking is a bit of this.

Wah!

Oh, Lou, bits are coming near me.

What makes me worry is - what's stopping the axe head flying off

because of centrifugal force and hitting me?

One tiny bit of glue, at the moment.

- Lovely. - Do you want to tag in?

Yeah.

HE GRUNTS

That is... That's top level badge stuff.

Very impressive.

I'm going to come back later and I look forward to seeing...

Well, you're going to hear a pretty big crash in a minute

cos my blood sugar's very low, so...

- Oh. - How's it going?

- Well, look for yourself. - How long do you reckon we've been doing that?

Well, you've been chopping for over half an hour and you've made

a lot less progress than Ed and Lou.

Maybe Kerry could take a turn with the difficult task

of holding the laminate. I'll hold the laminate.

I'll be honest, it doesn't look as showy as the axe,

but there is quite a bit to the laminate.

It's got a nasty, sharp edge on it.

It's a good job you're wearing... That's why I've got gloves.

It's your turn to wank the axe.

All right. Here we go. I like the stance.

- I've got the... Yep. - Right.

There is a point where you kind of don't overthink it.

It's a bit like jazz. - Just go into it. - Oh, OK. Oh, sorry!

- Sorry, lumberjack. - Just get in there. Wallop it!

OK, it's just like having sex.

Just don't overthink it. - Don't overthink it. - And don't cry.

OK, no problem.

Oh, you see that, I would say, was classic.

I don't think you'll improve on that.

What I think you might have to do is repeat that

- hundreds of times. - That's where I struggle with sex as well.

I'll hurry back. I know it's coming down any second.

You're doing really well, Jamali.

You're absolutely smashing this.

- Hello. - Ah, hello.

It's great, isn't it? That looks great.

It looks like the tree is, as it were, screaming for help,

as well it might.

Do you know what? I actually feel like my pedicurist

when they're shaving all the disgusting skin off my feet.

- Right. That's horrible. - Do you want me to finish it?

Yeah. OK, yeah.

You're doing a great job, Jamali. Thank you.

- Oh, it's going down! - It's going! - It's going! - It's going!

Stand back, stand back!

Timber! TREE SQUEAKS

Oh, my God, it screamed! It did scream.

It said, "Ow."It did scream.

Give it a jumping kick.

Come on, old girl.

As a percentage,

how much of the axe work has Ed done and how much have you done, Lou?

Well, we don't really see a divide in our team because we're so strong,

so his work is my work.

80.

Sure the trees taking a while to go down, but...

That's a nice forehand there.

- - Ooh. - It's going. - Ah!

- It's going. - It's going to go. Ed, kick it.

I can hear it.

Come on, baby!

- Oh, come on. - Ed, can you do a flying kick?

It's going!

- Timber! - Timber!

- - Oh. - Oh. - Oh.

I'm pretty sure that's not safe.

We've done everything that was - asked of us. - Mm.

We've chopped the tree down.

If the tree has been caught by these other trees,

it's not our fault, so rack up the badge.

In a sense, you've done everything that's been asked of you.

In another sense, you haven't done the one thing that was asked of you.

- Right. - I'll tell you what you've achieved as well.

You've made that whole bit of the forest unsafe to walk in.

Can we just agree now we've got the badge cos it's going to be

playing on my mind all day - otherwise? - I appreciate your

efforts, but it's still up at the moment, so we'll see.

I'll leave room for the badge.

OK.Shove your badge up your arse. OK.No, no! Lou, no!

I was just thinking that my girlfriend might be quite

into this look, do you know what - I mean? - Do you reckon?

- Yeah. - OK.This is probably the most manly I've been in my whole life.

It's a shame for her to miss it. Yeah.

We've lost this. I mean, look, the others have gone to lunch.

If this was a race, we have lost.

What's going on? I've just ordered a gin and tonic.

He's hurt, he's wounded. - Do you want me to amputate it? - No!

Do you want me to amputate it?

Oh, you had a motto.

One up the bum, no harm done.

Hello again.

As you can see, the weather has turned on us slightly.

It's toying with us.

I mean, it's toying with you. I'm going indoors again.

In a world without hospitals,

it's vital that you know how to look after yourselves and others

if anything goes wrong.

To earn your first aid badge, you must rescue

a severely injured casualty. You must see to their injuries

and stretcher them to where they can get help.

You will be judged on how well you have looked after them.

You have to get them to this... Ah.

We call it a hospital laughingly. Oh!

Is anyone here an expert on first aid?

I've got a lovely bedside manner.

Um... There is no bed. Graveside,

- how are you there? - Graveside manner, yeah, yeah.

I believe in reincarnation, so quite positive.

That's not positive for someone trying to look after you, though.

I'll just be like, "Don't worry." Yeah, don't worry about it.

Better luck next time round, babe. That's tough going,

to sell a whole philosophy in the last 12 seconds of life.

"It's all right. You'll be a locust before you know it!"

The pairings' first job is to work out what's wrong with the casualty.

That's an unfortunate landing, isn't it?

Are you OK?

Are you dead?

I'm going to touch you, uh, but appropriately, OK?

I'm just going to... I'm just going to lift you down.

Get your hands off my arse!

- Did he speak? - Oh, what did he say?

Who's touching me? Who's touching me?

What's going on? I've just ordered a gin and tonic.

Don't worry, we'll get you... - He's just pissed. - We'll get you

your gin and tonic, David.

Everything's OK. Right, OK. He's in his classic C&As.

He's got a duty free... - - Yes... bag. - Empty. - No clues.

We need clues. Right. OK, there's a bottle of gin in here.

- There's a bag here. - Right.

Let's look in the bag.

Helpfully there's a list of ailments in his backpack.

Oh! Before I have an ailment,

I'll just jot down what I think it might be.

Do we need to put him in the recovery position, Lou?

Yeah, pop him backside, frontside. What are you doing to my leg?

- Oh! - I was just waiting for meal service.

Ah. He's waiting for meal service.

He's got a duty free bag.

Has he fallen out of a plane?

- Oh, that's a neck brace? - This could be quite useful, couldn't it?

Oh.

David, how's your neck? Feels wonky.

- I've just touched his neck. - Did you? Yeah, broken neck.

- Oh! - So...

Oh, God. Oh, no!

Right, well, he's broken his ankle for a start,

I'll tell you that. He's got broken neck.

Broken neck.

Yeah, that's effed. I mean, he's dead.

Yeah, he's pretty much dead.

They've decided I'm dead, so it's...

Fractured kneecap. It doesn't really matter about the kneecap

at this point if you've got a broken - - neck, does it? - No. - Concussion.

Do you need mouth to mouth, David?

Would you like me to put my mouth on your mouth?

Whatever you think is appropriate.

- How was that? - Feels weird.

Yep, that's fair enough.

Viral rhinitis. Doesn't sound great.

I'm kind of regretting giving him mouth to mouth.

- Cuts to the face. - Cuts on face, sprained wrist, lazy eye.

Why have you got a lazy eye? How did that happen?

No, you want to reassure him. Oh, right.

Your lazy eye's fine.

I do not have a lazy eye.

Yes, very good.

I think then we can really deal with it. Oh, his ankle.

He's hurt, he's wounded. - Should we just amputate it? - No!

Should we just amputate it? Should we just amputate it?

David, don't worry. We're going to fix you up.

Neither of us has got medical training, but we've got

a can-do attitude. His legs are the wrong way round.

His feet are the wrong way round. Look.

Did you like the gin or not?

Don't give him gin! Yeah, it's good in a shock.

It's not good in a shock. I don't like the gin.

Ah.

I feel strangely warm. OK.Strangely warm?

Just go into the warmth. It's like a hot bath.

I'm sinking into the warmth. Yeah, just sink in deeper.

Night-night.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

- Night-night. - No, don't go to sleep.

Let's talk about something that David likes.

What's your favourite war?

It's so hard to choose from all the lovely wars.

There's not much urgency, is there?

I mean, they're taking their time.

Is that like a decent look, do you - think? - I think it really suits you.

- It actually kind of suits me. - Yeah.

It's like they're gardening, you know?

"Oh, I'll just potter, potter, potter."

It's not very Casualty, you know?

Where's the corpse going to go?

Cos the corpse will go on the tarpaulin.

- I'm not a corpse. - Right?

No, he's not dead yet.

No... Oh, right, so we're using the parachute as a stretcher?

I think so.

Oh, my God.

My God, that's dreadful!

Oh, no!

You might as well chop me up and take me in Sainsbury's bags,

or Tesco or Waitrose, whichever of those brands wants

to be associated with the moving of body parts.

Stay with me, David.

I don't think I'm going to talk - any more because I'm dead. - Oh!

- What? - He's fucking dead.

- Jamali! - Shall we bury him?

OK.

David, I know you've had a bit of a bad day thus far, but let me

cheer you up and tell you that I'm Angel Reiki level three.

Reiki... What is Reiki?

OK, let's go. You're going to be all right, David!

We're taking you to the field hospital.

Right, we're going to get you to safety now, David.

Oh, careful!

Oh, Ed's other idea was to chop you up and put you in the woods.

- Honest to God. - Jessica, we're in a bad spot, all right?

First the tree and now an actual person.

You need to want to live, David. You've got so much to live for.

Think of "Would I Lie To You?". It's such a great show.

- Jessica, hold the bag. - Why do you look like you've done this before?!

Jessica, hold the fucking bag.

Can anyone else see my grandparents?

They're standing there saying, "Walk towards us, little David."

No, don't walk towards your grandparents.

"Walk towards us, little David."

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is too real for me, actually. The shoes.

We're nearly at the field hospital, David.

- Ah. - Hello.

Ah, this is weird.

Pop me down about there.

Oh, goodness me.

- Lou! - Oh!

I mean, Lou.

I think what's happened there is you've done quite well

and then you've dropped me and I've turned to soup.

- No. - We've done well?

What a disastrous end.

We've done well. We're taking the fact we've done well.

We've done well.

We're almost there, David. Hang on! We're at the hospital now.

You've got so much to live for still.

I know it doesn't seem like it because you're quite old.

Oh, he's there!

- - Ah. - There he is. - Quite old?

Well, no, but just relatively speaking, older

compared to the average.

Anyway, we've... We've got you. Let's have a look.

OK, well, that's nice that you've blindfolded me.

- Broken neck. - Broken neck.

- Supported. - That's going - to sort that out. - Yep.

You also had a blocked windpipe which we fixed

with an emergency tracheotomy. He stabbed you in the neck.

- Emergency tracheotomy. - I'll never be able to speak properly again.

- But you can breathe. - Do you want to live or do you want to speak?

If silenced, I am nothing.

Um, certainly that's what my voiceover agent says.

OK.

Hold the... What are we going to do? Just hold the grip.

No, it's got my fingerprints on it. - There you go. - Dickhead.

Jessica, run, man!

This is absolutely awful, Jamali.

HE LAUGHS

Do you know any Latin?

No! Like, do you look at me and go, "This guy knows Latin."

Of course I don't know Latin, bruv.

You're mental, bruv! What are you talking about?

You, Lou, said to me, "Stick the badge up your arse."

For their next badge, I've asked the Outsiders

to come up with a motto for their camp.

A real motto to live by.

We're trying to impress - David, right? - Yeah.

Do you know any Latin?

No! What kind of... Of course I don't!

It's kind of like an affirmation, - - right? - Like statements. - Yeah.

Glory!

Why would I know Latin?

Like, what the fuck? Like, do you look at me and go,

"This guy knows Latin"? Of course I don't know Latin, bruv.

You're mental, bruv. What are you talking about?

These feel like words

Boris Johnson would scream once, like, copulating or something.

Oh, what a... Glory!..appalling piece of imagery.

Oh, you had a motto you said earlier in the woods.

- What? - One up the bum, no harm done.

- That's what you said! - Lou, when you say that you've really got

to be careful to make it not sound like we're in the woods

- doing something else. - No! When we were in the woods earlier,

you said, "One up the bum, no harm done!"

We're not going to do that one.

OK. So, one up the bum, a lot of harm done.

In a moment of terrible despair or misery, or cold

or hunger, as they huddle in the dark

and they miss central heating

and trains and Netflix and all those things,

this is what will keep them going.

This is what they stand for.

Chin up, it will pick up. - Chin up. - Chin up

is what passive aggressive people say in the street

- when you're crying. - Chin up."Chin up, love, it might never happen!"

- It might never happen. - It just did.

That's why I'm crying.

Dulce et decorum est means how fitting and noble it is to die.

That would be great! That's fucking beautiful.

Well, that's a Wilfred Owen poem. That's... Great.

- And he won't know that. - He will know - that. - I don't think he will know it.

He will definitely know that. I think that we could get away

with that. I don't think he knows as much as he pretends he knows.

But because he's sort of like... Don't say that.

It's the truth, cos no-one ever calls him up on it

because he wears brogues.

Should we make some Latin up? Just make some Latin.

Camp motto.

Have we not exploited the camp/camp pun yet?

Like, make it a camp motto.

OK.Like, shine. Dazzle! The kind of RuPaul kind of...

Dazzle in the drizzle.

- Nature, dazzle! - That's kind of...

You're growing.

Something to do with the earth. Roots!

Don't chop your arm off, don't cry.

Don't have an existential breakdown in a wood.

Don't have an existential breakdown in a wood and dazzle.

What do you think he'd say - about any of these? - Um...

Not good.

- - Hello. - Hello. - You all right?

What is your motto, please?

- Yep. - Yep.

BOTH:Don't cry, don't die. Don't shit yourself.

Actually, exclamation mark after don't shit yourself,

cos that's quite... You need to ram that home.

I don't like exclamation marks. Do you don't like them?

They reach. They're a bit reachy.

OK, OK.No, I think...

Don't cry. Don't die. Full stop.

Oh, and don't shit yourself. - - Like it's an afterthought? - Yes. - OK.

Well, let's think of his vibe and what he's going to appeal to.

- Yeah. - You know, so like, "Go hard..."

And something. A joke about his mum or something.

- Cooee. - Knock, knock.

Sorry, I'm just doing some pretend work.

- Ah. - Um... That's great.

So, yes, hello. Have you got a motto?

Yes.

- It's smoke weed. - Eat..."Pussay."

Pussay!"Smoke weed..."Eat...

- Pussay... pussay. - Yeah.

I'd put a couple of As. Insert a second A.

"Smoke weed, eat pussaay."

Mm, yeah. Thank you very much.

Is that OK?You've stolen a biscuit.

Oh.

If you'd asked I would have let you - have one. - Sorry.

Will that be marked down against this?

- I mean, it's not a plus. - Smoke weed, eat pussaay has put us there.

I just don't want the biscuit to bring us down.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

Please join the others at the campfire.

Thank you for the opportunity to shine.

You're welcome.

Videus rende amore.

Videus rende amore.

And David Mitchell's going to go,

"And what does that mean?"

And we're going to go, "Live, laugh, love."

Do you know what "live, laugh, love" is, though?

You know that it's like a sort of Instagram motivation...

It's sort of like white women's Allah.

With confidence.

- - What's up, Davey? - Hello. - Hi, David.

Or David. Sorry. I said Davey, I thought we was on more casual terms.

- I apologise. - Cos you said Davey? - I said Davey. - Davey, ooh.

Yeah, it was too casual. I don't mind Davey, actually.

- Right. - Good start. What's your motto?

BOTH:Videus rende amore.

I am assuming that is in Latin.

- - That is Latin. - Yes, it is. - I'm going to have to use Google Translate.

So, go again.

- - - - Videus. - Videus. - Vende. - Rende. - Rende.

- Amore. - Amore.

It means live, laugh, love.

As far as we could see, David, most mottos are in Latin.

- A lot of them are. - See you later. - See you later. - OK.

Um... Aw! I wish I could say goodbye in Latin.

Ah, I can't either.

So, you could make something up.

- Avay, Davey. - Avay, Jessica.

I think we nailed that. Yeah, I don't think we did.

Live, laugh, love. Videus rende amore.

Popsie them in there.

Do you like beans, Ed? I actually hate beans.

- Oh, do you? - Yeah, I really think beans are the scourge

of British cuisine.

If you were in the Olympics... Big if, big if!

Erm, you've got gold, silver, bronze. Bronze is still quite good.

We could get bronze. That's true.

But there's only three teams.

I think if you got bronze in the Olympics and there were only

three people running the race, you'd - be disappointed. - No, cos you'd

think, "I'm at the bloody Olympics. Let's have a nice time."Oh, OK.

So, you consider this the Olympics of... Television.

Right, OK. We've come at this from very, very different angles.

Also, I think the Olympics has a big claim

to be the Olympics of television. - Yeah. - Because it's on television.

Shall we go and meet these other entertainment athletes?

Yes, come on. Let's go and see how they're limbering up for tonight.

- I love camping. - You seem always ready to camp.

I'm always ready to camp.

I don't know what it is about... It's the discomfort

that's part of it. I don't know why.

I quite like that it's stripped back and that the bar is so low.

I went camping once when I was, well, 13, with my mum and dad,

getting off with this 16-year-old. But he didn't know how old I was.

- How old were you?13. - OK! Well...

Yeah, I looked old for my age.

And my mum shouted at him, "Do you know how old she is?"

I was so embarrassed.

And then she said, "She's 13."

And then he went, "What? How old are you?"

And then I ran in the tent.

- It was awful. - So, he found out? - From Mother. Yeah. - Shit.

He couldn't tell the time. It was two... It was twins.

And one brother was a bit slow and one brother wasn't.

But the one who was a bit slow couldn't tell...

Did you get off with the slow brother?

- I got off with the slow one. - Yeah.

So, really, you were taking advantage of him.

This story has more twists and turns than I was expecting.

The prey becomes the predator.

Yeah. Cos I was like, "Oh, God, well, that's awful.

"I'm so sorry, Lou." And then I was like,

"Oh, no, it turns out he had a slow brother."

LAUGHTER

Teams!

"Don't die and don't shit yourself" are pieces of advice

that it is impossible to take.

We all die and we all shit ourselves.

God, you are not getting a badge!

We're coming to the end of a busy first day and we've had a bit

of everything - the will to survive...

- - Timber! - Timber! - Oh.

I'm pretty sure that's not safe.

...the will to kill...

God, that's... Oh!

He's fucking dead.

...and lavatorial humour.

BOTH:Don't shit yourself.

But do they deserve a badge as part of an arbitrary format? Let's see.

Teams! Will you please stop hanging around there

and start hanging around here?

Well, this is nice.

- Nice, little campfire. - Gosh, is that - real? - Oh, look at this!

That's lovely, isn't it? Welcome, Outsiders.

And now as night falls, this is the point that comes at the end

of the day on every camping holiday, when you wonder whether

the activities of the daytime have been sufficiently exhausting

and draining to compensate for the horrendously

uncomfortable conditions in which you're expected to sleep.

But first, we have to review the performances of the day.

As pairs, you're aiming for the magical full house of three badges.

First of all, the lumberjack badge.

Kerry and Toussaint. How do you think it went?

- Good. - The 50% that we did, we did well

to about 100%.

And the 50% being trying to cut the tree down,

and the only bit you didn't being cutting it down.

Because it's still standing, isn't it?

Can I just say I believe our tree was particularly girthy?

It was a girthy tree.

Nevertheless, the rate at which you penetrated its girth

was slower than anyone else's.

And the fact remains, it's still standing.

So, I'm afraid you're not going to get the lumberjack badge.

Now, I'm going to move on to Jess and Jamali.

How did you feel you worked as a team?

I did most of it.

And when I say most of it, I mean all of it.

Well, I was cheering you on for quite a lot of it.

Is that how you envisage the future of your team? On each activity,

- one of you will take the lead? - Yeah, if you've got like a make-up

activity, then I'm going to take - that one. - Childcare badge

- or something. - Childcare badge.

It's inspiring how you're bucking - the stereotypes. - Thank you.

Well, I didn't want to lean into the stereotype

of woman stands by while man cuts down tree,

and yet he was really good at it, and I didn't want to get in the way.

Let a man shine when he shines. I was very good at it.

And he shone. Let me tell you.

You chopped that tree down.

I'm happy to give you your lumberjack badge.

- Yes! - Congratulations. CHEERING

- Right. - Deserved. Lovely stuff.

Lou and Ed, you did a lot of things right.

I think we worked very well - - as a team. - Very well. - I agree.

I went slow and steady and hard, and then I would hand the axe

off to Lou to go turbo mode. Party time!

But, of course, there was a problem, wasn't there?

Which was not our fault.

Some cunt told us the wrong tree...

...to chop down, and it did fall down

but the other trees caught it.

- It didn't fall down. - It did fall down. It did fall down.

We did... It didn't fall down?!

I must say, I was torn.

It was an unfortunate set of circumstances.

So, I didn't know what to do. I was in a real quandary.

But then, you know how sometimes you get a sign...

Oh, no... about what you should do?

And I got a bit of a sign, like a shaft of light in the darkness,

when you, Lou, said to me, "Stick the badge up your arse."

LAUGHTER

- - And, do you know? - Lou! - I've stuffed that badge up my arse...

I'll get it out!..and I've stuffed it so far up my arse,

I can't get it out. As a result of that,

I'm not going to give you the badge, I'm afraid.

Because it's up your arse?

- It's up my arse now. - Can we see what transpires in the toilet tomorrow

and then maybe pick the badge up off you, then?

You really are keen to get the badge, aren't you?

Well, you know, all right. I'll keep an eye on it.

You're not getting it for now. Sorry.

So, in conclusion, Jamali and Jess are the only team to win

a lumberjack badge.

APPLAUSE

- Thank you. - Well done.

Moving on to the camp motto badge. Jess and Jamali,

would you like to remind us what your motto was?

Can you remember it?

That's an interesting question, isn't it? "Can you remember it?"

Because we're looking... Of course, we can remember it.

Can you remember it?

Vitreous, dende, amore.

- Ooh. - I mean, it wasn't that.

It was... Are you serious?

Shall we just...?Try and agree what - it was. - What I thought it was -

was videus, rende, amore.

Yeah, there you go. There you go. - There I go. - Videus, dende, amore.

What was the reasoning behind it that you were going to say?

We wanted to make up a Latin one.

And then the people who want to live by the motto can make it up

themselves because that's what surviving is.

Ah, so you would make-up something nonsensical... Yeah.

...on which anyone could project the meaning they want.

Because that's what survival is. Survival is using your own mind.

And also we were trying to impress you with Latin.

Yeah, that's another reason.

- What does it mean? - We thought we got away with it until you said,

"Well, I'm going to Google it." And I was like...

That was a savage impression!

Did you Google it? Yes, I did.

- What does it mean? - Well, the translation to Latin

of "videus, rende, amore" was "videus, rende, love."

Videus and rende mean videus rende in Latin, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, it's an interesting point.

But I think in a way you're disrespecting the notion

of a motto by saying it's just gibberish onto which anyone projects

whatever meaning they want. "Videus, rende, amore",

I'm afraid I'm not going to give - the motto badge to. - Ah!

Absolutely gutted about that.

But let's move on to you, Ed and Lou.

I'd really like you to say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it was... Was it "smoke weed, eat pussaay"?

And it was specified it was pussaay with one or two As

between the second S.

That's Churchillian! LAUGHING

The absolutely golden and universal

and moving "Smoke weed, "eat pussaay."

Don't make me tell you to shove this badge up your arse again.

No, Lou! LAUGHTER

I'm sorry. I'm still... I think - it's a bad motto. - Then, Lou...

- Lou. - I'm not going to give you... Shove your badge up your arse!

I'm afraid that's going to have to go with a collection of badges

that you've failed to win, right up there.

Can we...? Is it possible to change our motto to

"Shove the badge up your arse"?

So, no badge for you either.

Now, Kerry and Toussaint, would you like to remind me

- of your motto? - Yes. It was -

Don't cry... Don't cry, don't die.

Don't shit yourself.

I have a problem with this motto.

- Why? - Don't cry, that's emotionally - unhealthy to say that. - Controlling.

People should cry if they feel the need to.

Don't die and don't shit yourself are pieces of advice

that it is impossible to take.

We all die and we all shit ourselves.

It fails as a motto in that the three things that it exhorts,

one of them it shouldn't exhort and two of them are impossible.

Oh, my God. You are not getting - a badge. - This is really intense.

I'm afraid I'm not awarding... No-one's getting a camp motto badge.

- Fair enough. - Fair enough.

Now, the final badge of the day - first aid.

I'm going to start with you, Kerry and Toussaint. You completed it.

I think... We got you back intact. I was in a bad way,

but I might have lived. Basically, I think you did the job.

- Brilliant. - You get the badge. - - Yes! - Yes! - There you go.

- Well done. - And we were really comforting, I felt.

- Yes. - You've got the badge, - chill out. - Ed and Lou.

Um, again, there was a lot of competence shown

and I was very impressed.

- But here's my problem. - Ah.

- And you're looking at me again. - Yes.

At the end, Lou, you dropped my head on the floor deliberately.

Lou got very mixed up when we saw you in real life.

- That's it. - Because previously you had believed it was really me

- on the stretcher. - Uh, yeah! Well, that was your voice, mate.

I'm going to ask you to answer that again without lying.

Let's not focus on the end point.

Let's focus on all the way along. I gave you medicine.

- - And I gave you Reiki. - Reiki! - I bet these guys didn't give you

- Angel Reiki, did they? - And then you dropped my head on the floor.

No, David. Come on, please.

There's a pattern here, isn't there? You do all the work and then you

just throw it away at the last minute.

Yeah. What about the pattern here? Do all the work.

There's a big issue for you, Ed. What's happening here?

- Sabotage. - Please, I self-sabotage.

I didn't have a good childhood.

That's so manipulative.

- Please. - Is there a manipulation - badge? - Ed has struggled here

with his failing pancreas.

Yeah, well, give the badge to Ed.

I don't think that's how it works, but if it does work like that,

- I'll accept the badge. - No, you've ruined it for Ed, Lou.

- Oh. Oh. - You've ruined it - for him. - Again.

Can we make sure that you say again?

You have ruined it for Ed again. Please...

David, I was really good on that task. I did everything right.

- But then you ruined it. - Yeah, but you can't take one little joke

at the end, otherwise you're a real square. Come off of it.

- Please! - No, it's like a driving test.

If you run over a toddler at the last bit, it doesn't matter

how well you reversed around the corner.

But were you a bit of a laugh on the way? Please!

No, no first aid badge for you.

- Uh-oh. - Don't look at me like that. Of course, we're not getting

a first aid badge. You dropped him on his head right at the end.

Now, Jess and Jamali. Wow. He's strict.

Would you like to tell the other Outsiders what happened

during your attempt to get a first aid badge?

Well, what happened is honestly

I just got pissed off and I bodyslammed your body on the floor.

I don't want to turn on my team-mate here or anything,

but I've been teamed up with somebody who is a killer.

- We killed David. - Yeah.

And then we buried his body. Yeah.

- In the woods. - Yeah.

It has to be said, Jess, you were complicit

in the... She helped me bury your - body. - In the decision to bury me.

- Was I?Yeah. - Yes.

- Oh. - You were. You joined in quite enthusiastically.

LAUGHTER

To be fair on you, that is something that would have to be dealt

with in a survival situation.

Someone who doesn't survive.

- - Yeah. - Yeah. - And in a way, you embraced the sheer brutality

of that scenario very quickly and that showed mental agility.

- Thank you. - If they get a badge for burying you...

- Oh, my goodness. - Sometimes in medicine it's about being humane

and you was messed up. You had a broken neck, broken this,

- broken that. - So, you humanely - bodyslammed him? - No, no, no.

He was already dead at that point.

And if someone's dead, have a bit of fun with the body.

That's my new motto. If he's dead, have a bit of fun with the body.

I felt that dealing with the deceased is part

of a survival situation.

And genuinely, I was quite moved by what you did.

- What? - And if there was a badge for killing and burying someone

in the woods, I would give it to you.

Unfortunately, I don't feel that... There's no morgue badge?

...when it ends with a grave,

I can't in all conscience give you - a first aid badge. - That's fair.

But I'd give you sort of extra points for artistry.

So, the only badge goes to Kerry and Toussaint.

And at the end of day one of Outsiders, we have two teams

with one badge.

That's Jessica and Jamali, Kerry and Toussaint.

- And one team with no badge. - Yeah! That's Lou and Ed, so...

But, for me, this show is all about the journey.

And at this time of night it should take me about 45 minutes,

so I'd better be going.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- - Oh, bye. - Bye. - Bye.

David has genuinely gone home, - hasn't he? - Yeah. Shall we go, then?

We probably should go to our tents.

Condom-ents.

Looks to me like three condoms tied to a stick.

One wank of sugar or two?

Lou, have you been to - the hairdresser's before? - No, never.

OK, well, what they don't tend to do is hand you your hair

bit by bit as they cut it off. OK.

- Oh, no. What have you done? - Nothing. Nothing to worry about, Simon.

- Is that coffee? - It's coffee.

No!

We're good, we're good.

But look at that.

NO!

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