All language subtitles for d.m.o.s01e01.720p.web.h264-skyfire

The great outdoors - picturesque,
peaceful, unspoiled.

Well, it's not for me.

It's all very pleasant viewed
through a gastro pub window,

but without the buildings,
it gets disgusting

very quickly.
Just look at Glastonbury.

Still, some people love it,
and I'm challenging six comedians

to prove that they can
survive in it.

For the next week, this forest will
be their home.

- - Nettles!
- Neighbour.
- Hello.

Each day they'll be working
in pairs...

I've never been camping before.

The closest I've come to roughing
it is buying own brand ketchup.

...learning vital skills...

We're here for six days.

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now
in there.

...and competing for badges.

Wah!

Will they be equipped to survive
post-apocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms and a bottle
of tequila,

so, yes, I've got the right gift.

I'm already missing
the sound of the city.

Where's all the car horns?

Will they crumble under
the pressure?

No!

I was in the Brownies, but I got
kicked out for wetting myself,

so the whole environment could be
quite triggering for me, really.

Or will they be naturals?

You see the guy who taught Bear
Grylls how to survive and that?

I taught him.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah, it really is
easy to cut your leg off.

Comedians wouldn't know one end
of an axe from the other,

which for axes I believe
is absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think
they'll last ten minutes

without ordering a pizza.

And each evening, I'll summon them
to my HQ...

Please approach the temple of doubt.

...to give them my verdict.

I think you did the job,
you get the badge.

- Yes!
- Yes!

Welcome to Outsiders.

Can I get a golf buggy back
to my car?

Hello, Outsiders.

Welcome to my HQ.

What do you think?

- - It's nice.
- It's lovely.
- It's nice?
Very nice.

It's basically a TV designer's
interpretation of my personality.

Well, the key question here that
you'll be answering

all week is - do you think you can
survive without the support

of a complex civilisation?

You'll be competing to win these
badges. At the end of the week,

the team with the most badges wins.

I'm looking forward to
the axe throwing.

What happens with the goat?
Combing your hair.

- And the blindfolding.
- Yeah.

Well, these are just little clues.
And putting a condom on.

That's looks like it's
playing Risk, um,

decorating your nipple...

Uh, heraldry.

But in a real survival situation
you wouldn't have me

sitting in judgment. You could just
kill me and eat me on day one.

Now, here is your first badge.

In the wild, wood is key for food,
shelter and warmth,

so you'll need to gather it in
large quantities

if you want to survive.
To earn your lumberjack badge,

you will have to successfully
cut down a tree.

You must first check that the tree
is free from wildlife.

All trees have got wildlife in them.
How do we get the wildlife out?

- Yeah, like insects and shit.
- We all
know there is a hierarchy with

wildlife, and anything without
a backbone... We're all in the food
chain, babe.

You can't call David Mitchell babe.

First time for everything.
All of the trees

that you'll be cutting down are
trees that have been marked out

for cutting down already. They've
- come to the end of their lives.
- Oh.

- This is tree euthanasia.
- Exactly.

The Dignitas for trees.
- Quick question, David.
- Yes?

What if someone has remarkably
little upper body strength

- for their size?
- Well, then they
would fail to survive

and they should rely on a complex
civilisation where you can make

money by standing with a microphone
and making humorous observations.

And, yeah, well, off you go.

We're now going to go and cut down
- a tree?
- You go, cut down a tree.

I'm going to come and see how
you're doing.

And if you do it well,
you'll get a badge.

- Good luck!
- Thank you!

They've got till lunchtime to cut
down their trees, which feels

like an age away, but is in
fact an hour.

It's best I carry the axe cos
I'm wearing the lumberjack shirt.

You are the most qualified to carry
the axe out of the two of us.

I'm excited about this pairing,
but I must warn you

that I have bruised my coccyx
and I'm just recovering

from a broken toe. But apart from
that, I'm ready to go.

Great. What a team.

And I'm diabetic
and classically lazy.

What about this one?

What about this one next
to the camera?

- I think that's a hint.
- Do you
think it's that one?

- What about this one?
- Yeah.

- Get that boy down.
- Cos that
- is already on a bit of a wonk.
- Yeah.

So, if we let it fall this
way... Yeah.

These have all got leaves.

That is a sign of life.

Yeah. But that one's really ugly.

Oh, I feel bad but I suppose you've
got... Have a chat with it,

- see if it's all right with it.
- OK.

- - Lou?
- Yeah?
- When people hug trees,
I don't think they aggressively

thrust their crotch into them.

Oh, it said because it got
the crotch,

it's absolutely fine with it.

It's a really big tree.

I'm quite nervous about chopping
that down.

Let's just consult the laminate.
Wear protective goggles,

check. Gloves, check.

I'm not wearing gloves.
No, no, please! Serious?

You're not going to wear gloves?
What's the gloves going to do?

Keep you from chopping
a finger off!

Do you think this won't go through
a finger?

We don't need the instructions.
No. Go and get the instructions.

I'm sort of more of an
instinct player.

Yeah. Which is why I've got the axe.

First, check for wildlife.

Is there any wildlife?

Is there anybody in there?

You're quite in touch with nature.
Can you do some of your noises?

Awooga, wooga! Awooga, wooga!

Yeah, we're fine.

As you bring the axe down to
strike the tree,

your right hand will slide
- down the handle.
- Like this?

- Wank the axe?
- Could be.

Shall I unsheathe this?
Should I bang this out?

Yeah, put your gloves on.
No, no, no. Jamali!

OK. All right, Mum.

OK.All right, I'm not having mum.
Fucking mum over here.

"Jamali!"

OK, I'm going to get out your way.
Are you not going to do the...?

You look more qualified
to do the axe.

Do you think? So, if I'm doing
axing, you do sawing?

If you're doing axing,
I'll do reading laminate.

I think it's like... Don't do that
thing where it swings

round and hits your leg.
Don't hit myself

- - in the leg with it?
- Yeah.
- OK.

I'm really worried about this!

Oh, God.

Oh, that's good. Well done.

Flipping heck. Have you done
- this before?
- Nope.

Do you work by the carrot or
the stick? Like carrot's

positivity, like, "You're doing
a great job." The stick is,

"Try harder, you loser."
Bit of both, please.

OK. Um, you're doing a great job,
you idiot.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah. It really is easy
cut your leg off, to be fair.

- Oh!
- A lot of superficial damage.

But you're not doing enough
proper...

Get in there. That's it.

Oh, shit.

This is going to take hours.

Are we going for a wide wound
or are we going for...?

- I beg your pardon.
- Sorry.

Your turn.

I should take my top off,
- actually.
- Yeah, take your top off.

Do you want to see my little titties
swinging around in slow motion?

Hello.

- Hey.
- What's the thinking?

The thinking is a bit of this.

Wah!

Oh, Lou, bits are coming near me.

What makes me worry is - what's
stopping the axe head flying off

because of centrifugal force
and hitting me?

One tiny bit of glue,
at the moment.

- Lovely.
- Do you want to tag in?

Yeah.

HE GRUNTS

That is... That's top level
badge stuff.

Very impressive.

I'm going to come back later
and I look forward to seeing...

Well, you're going to hear a pretty
big crash in a minute

cos my blood sugar's very low, so...

- Oh.
- How's it going?

- Well, look for yourself.
- How long do
you reckon we've been doing that?

Well, you've been chopping for over
half an hour and you've made

a lot less progress than Ed and Lou.

Maybe Kerry could take a turn
with the difficult task

of holding the laminate.
I'll hold the laminate.

I'll be honest,
it doesn't look as showy as the axe,

but there is quite a bit to the
laminate.

It's got a nasty, sharp edge on it.

It's a good job you're wearing...
That's why I've got gloves.

It's your turn to wank the axe.

All right. Here we go.
I like the stance.

- I've got the... Yep.
- Right.

There is a point where you kind of
don't overthink it.

It's a bit like jazz.
- Just go into it.
- Oh, OK. Oh, sorry!

- Sorry, lumberjack.
- Just get
in there. Wallop it!

OK, it's just like having sex.

Just don't overthink it.
- Don't overthink it.
- And don't cry.

OK, no problem.

Oh, you see that, I would say,
was classic.

I don't think you'll improve
on that.

What I think you might have to do
is repeat that

- hundreds of times.
- That's where
I struggle with sex as well.

I'll hurry back. I know it's coming
down any second.

You're doing really well, Jamali.

You're absolutely smashing this.

- Hello.
- Ah, hello.

It's great, isn't it?
That looks great.

It looks like the tree is,
as it were, screaming for help,

as well it might.

Do you know what? I actually feel
like my pedicurist

when they're shaving all
the disgusting skin off my feet.

- Right. That's horrible.
- Do you want
me to finish it?

Yeah. OK, yeah.

You're doing a great job, Jamali.
Thank you.

- Oh, it's going down!
- It's going!
- It's going!
- It's going!

Stand back, stand back!

Timber!
TREE SQUEAKS

Oh, my God, it screamed!
It did scream.

It said, "Ow."It did scream.

Give it a jumping kick.

Come on, old girl.

As a percentage,

how much of the axe work has Ed done
and how much have you done, Lou?

Well, we don't really see a divide
in our team because we're so strong,

so his work is my work.

80.

Sure the trees taking a while to go
down, but...

That's a nice forehand there.

- - Ooh.
- It's going.
- Ah!

- It's going.
- It's going to go.
Ed, kick it.

I can hear it.

Come on, baby!

- Oh, come on.
- Ed, can you do
a flying kick?

It's going!

- Timber!
- Timber!

- - Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.

I'm pretty sure that's not safe.

We've done everything that was
- asked of us.
- Mm.

We've chopped the tree down.

If the tree has been caught
by these other trees,

it's not our fault,
so rack up the badge.

In a sense, you've done everything
that's been asked of you.

In another sense, you haven't done
the one thing that was asked of you.

- Right.
- I'll tell you what you've
achieved as well.

You've made that whole bit of
the forest unsafe to walk in.

Can we just agree now we've got
the badge cos it's going to be

playing on my mind all day
- otherwise?
- I appreciate your

efforts, but it's still up
at the moment, so we'll see.

I'll leave room for the badge.

OK.Shove your badge up your arse.
OK.No, no! Lou, no!

I was just thinking that my
girlfriend might be quite

into this look, do you know what
- I mean?
- Do you reckon?

- Yeah.
- OK.This is probably the most
manly I've been in my whole life.

It's a shame for her to miss it.
Yeah.

We've lost this. I mean, look, the
others have gone to lunch.

If this was a race, we have lost.

What's going on? I've just ordered
a gin and tonic.

He's hurt, he's wounded.
- Do you want me to amputate it?
- No!

Do you want me to amputate it?

Oh, you had a motto.

One up the bum, no harm done.

Hello again.

As you can see, the weather
has turned on us slightly.

It's toying with us.

I mean, it's toying with you.
I'm going indoors again.

In a world without hospitals,

it's vital that you know how to look
after yourselves and others

if anything goes wrong.

To earn your first aid badge,
you must rescue

a severely injured casualty.
You must see to their injuries

and stretcher them to where
they can get help.

You will be judged on how well
you have looked after them.

You have to get them to this... Ah.

We call it a hospital laughingly.
Oh!

Is anyone here an expert
on first aid?

I've got a lovely bedside manner.

Um... There is no bed. Graveside,

- how are you there?
- Graveside manner,
yeah, yeah.

I believe in reincarnation,
so quite positive.

That's not positive for someone
trying to look after you, though.

I'll just be like, "Don't worry."
Yeah, don't worry about it.

Better luck next time round, babe.
That's tough going,

to sell a whole philosophy in
the last 12 seconds of life.

"It's all right. You'll be a locust
before you know it!"

The pairings' first job is to work
out what's wrong with the casualty.

That's an unfortunate landing,
isn't it?

Are you OK?

Are you dead?

I'm going to touch you, uh,
but appropriately, OK?

I'm just going to... I'm just going
to lift you down.

Get your hands off my arse!

- Did he speak?
- Oh, what did he say?

Who's touching me?
Who's touching me?

What's going on? I've just ordered
a gin and tonic.

Don't worry, we'll get you...
- He's just pissed.
- We'll get you

your gin and tonic, David.

Everything's OK. Right, OK.
He's in his classic C&As.

He's got a duty free...
- - Yes... bag.
- Empty.
- No clues.

We need clues. Right.
OK, there's a bottle of gin in here.

- There's a bag here.
- Right.

Let's look in the bag.

Helpfully there's a list
of ailments in his backpack.

Oh! Before I have an ailment,

I'll just jot down what I think it
might be.

Do we need to put him in
the recovery position, Lou?

Yeah, pop him backside, frontside.
What are you doing to my leg?

- Oh!
- I was just waiting for meal
service.

Ah. He's waiting for meal service.

He's got a duty free bag.

Has he fallen out of a plane?

- Oh, that's a neck brace?
- This
could be quite useful, couldn't it?

Oh.

David, how's your neck?
Feels wonky.

- I've just touched his neck.
- Did you?
Yeah, broken neck.

- Oh!
- So...

Oh, God. Oh, no!

Right, well, he's broken his
ankle for a start,

I'll tell you that.
He's got broken neck.

Broken neck.

Yeah, that's effed.
I mean, he's dead.

Yeah, he's pretty much dead.

They've decided I'm dead,
so it's...

Fractured kneecap. It doesn't really
matter about the kneecap

at this point if you've got a broken
- - neck, does it?
- No.
- Concussion.

Do you need mouth to mouth, David?

Would you like me to put my mouth
on your mouth?

Whatever you think is appropriate.

- How was that?
- Feels weird.

Yep, that's fair enough.

Viral rhinitis. Doesn't sound great.

I'm kind of regretting giving him
mouth to mouth.

- Cuts to the face.
- Cuts on face,
sprained wrist, lazy eye.

Why have you got a lazy eye?
How did that happen?

No, you want to reassure him.
Oh, right.

Your lazy eye's fine.

I do not have a lazy eye.

Yes, very good.

I think then we can really deal
with it. Oh, his ankle.

He's hurt, he's wounded.
- Should we just amputate it?
- No!

Should we just amputate it?
Should we just amputate it?

David, don't worry.
We're going to fix you up.

Neither of us has got medical
training, but we've got

a can-do attitude.
His legs are the wrong way round.

His feet are the wrong way
round. Look.

Did you like the gin or not?

Don't give him gin!
Yeah, it's good in a shock.

It's not good in a shock.
I don't like the gin.

Ah.

I feel strangely warm.
OK.Strangely warm?

Just go into the warmth.
It's like a hot bath.

I'm sinking into the warmth.
Yeah, just sink in deeper.

Night-night.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

- Night-night.
- No, don't go to sleep.

Let's talk about something
that David likes.

What's your favourite war?

It's so hard to choose from all
the lovely wars.

There's not much urgency, is there?

I mean, they're taking their time.

Is that like a decent look, do you
- think?
- I think it really suits you.

- It actually kind of suits me.
- Yeah.

It's like they're gardening,
you know?

"Oh, I'll just potter, potter,
potter."

It's not very Casualty, you know?

Where's the corpse going to go?

Cos the corpse will go on
the tarpaulin.

- I'm not a corpse.
- Right?

No, he's not dead yet.

No... Oh, right, so we're using
the parachute as a stretcher?

I think so.

Oh, my God.

My God, that's dreadful!

Oh, no!

You might as well chop me up
and take me in Sainsbury's bags,

or Tesco or Waitrose, whichever
of those brands wants

to be associated with the moving
of body parts.

Stay with me, David.

I don't think I'm going to talk
- any more because I'm dead.
- Oh!

- What?
- He's fucking dead.

- Jamali!
- Shall we bury him?

OK.

David, I know you've had a bit of
a bad day thus far, but let me

cheer you up and tell you that
I'm Angel Reiki level three.

Reiki... What is Reiki?

OK, let's go. You're going to be
all right, David!

We're taking you to
the field hospital.

Right, we're going to get you to
safety now, David.

Oh, careful!

Oh, Ed's other idea was to chop you
up and put you in the woods.

- Honest to God.
- Jessica, we're
in a bad spot, all right?

First the tree and now an
actual person.

You need to want to live, David.
You've got so much to live for.

Think of "Would I Lie To You?".
It's such a great show.

- Jessica, hold the bag.
- Why do you
look like you've done this before?!

Jessica, hold the fucking bag.

Can anyone else see my grandparents?

They're standing there saying,
"Walk towards us, little David."

No, don't walk towards your
grandparents.

"Walk towards us, little David."

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is too real for me,
actually. The shoes.

We're nearly at the field
hospital, David.

- Ah.
- Hello.

Ah, this is weird.

Pop me down about there.

Oh, goodness me.

- Lou!
- Oh!

I mean, Lou.

I think what's happened
there is you've done quite well

and then you've dropped me
and I've turned to soup.

- No.
- We've done well?

What a disastrous end.

We've done well. We're taking
the fact we've done well.

We've done well.

We're almost there, David. Hang on!
We're at the hospital now.

You've got so much to live
for still.

I know it doesn't seem like it
because you're quite old.

Oh, he's there!

- - Ah.
- There he is.
- Quite old?

Well, no, but just relatively
speaking, older

compared to the average.

Anyway, we've... We've got you.
Let's have a look.

OK, well, that's nice that you've
blindfolded me.

- Broken neck.
- Broken neck.

- Supported.
- That's going
- to sort that out.
- Yep.

You also had a blocked windpipe
which we fixed

with an emergency tracheotomy.
He stabbed you in the neck.

- Emergency tracheotomy.
- I'll never be
able to speak properly again.

- But you can breathe.
- Do you want to
live or do you want to speak?

If silenced, I am nothing.

Um, certainly that's what my
voiceover agent says.

OK.

Hold the... What are we going to do?
Just hold the grip.

No, it's got my fingerprints on it.
- There you go.
- Dickhead.

Jessica, run, man!

This is absolutely awful, Jamali.

HE LAUGHS

Do you know any Latin?

No! Like, do you look at me and go,
"This guy knows Latin."

Of course I don't know Latin, bruv.

You're mental, bruv!
What are you talking about?

You, Lou, said to me,
"Stick the badge up your arse."

For their next badge,
I've asked the Outsiders

to come up with a motto
for their camp.

A real motto to live by.

We're trying to impress
- David, right?
- Yeah.

Do you know any Latin?

No! What kind of...
Of course I don't!

It's kind of like an affirmation,
- - right?
- Like statements.
- Yeah.

Glory!

Why would I know Latin?

Like, what the fuck?
Like, do you look at me and go,

"This guy knows Latin"? Of course
I don't know Latin, bruv.

You're mental, bruv.
What are you talking about?

These feel like words

Boris Johnson would scream once,
like, copulating or something.

Oh, what a... Glory!..appalling
piece of imagery.

Oh, you had a motto you said
earlier in the woods.

- What?
- One up the bum,
no harm done.

- That's what you said!
- Lou, when you
say that you've really got

to be careful to make it not sound
like we're in the woods

- doing something else.
- No!
When we were in the woods earlier,

you said, "One up the bum,
no harm done!"

We're not going to do that one.

OK. So, one up the bum,
a lot of harm done.

In a moment of terrible despair
or misery, or cold

or hunger, as they huddle
in the dark

and they miss central heating

and trains and Netflix and all
those things,

this is what will keep them going.

This is what they stand for.

Chin up, it will pick up.
- Chin up.
- Chin up

is what passive aggressive people
say in the street

- when you're crying.
- Chin up."Chin
up, love, it might never happen!"

- It might never happen.
- It just did.

That's why I'm crying.

Dulce et decorum est means how
fitting and noble it is to die.

That would be great!
That's fucking beautiful.

Well, that's a Wilfred Owen poem.
That's... Great.

- And he won't know that.
- He will know
- that.
- I don't think he will know it.

He will definitely know that.
I think that we could get away

with that. I don't think he knows
as much as he pretends he knows.

But because he's sort of like...
Don't say that.

It's the truth, cos no-one ever
calls him up on it

because he wears brogues.

Should we make some Latin up?
Just make some Latin.

Camp motto.

Have we not exploited
the camp/camp pun yet?

Like, make it a camp motto.

OK.Like, shine. Dazzle!
The kind of RuPaul kind of...

Dazzle in the drizzle.

- Nature, dazzle!
- That's kind of...

You're growing.

Something to do with
the earth. Roots!

Don't chop your arm off, don't cry.

Don't have an existential
breakdown in a wood.

Don't have an existential breakdown
in a wood and dazzle.

What do you think he'd say
- about any of these?
- Um...

Not good.

- - Hello.
- Hello.
- You all right?

What is your motto, please?

- Yep.
- Yep.

BOTH:Don't cry, don't die.
Don't shit yourself.

Actually, exclamation mark after
don't shit yourself,

cos that's quite... You need to
ram that home.

I don't like exclamation marks.
Do you don't like them?

They reach. They're a bit reachy.

OK, OK.No, I think...

Don't cry. Don't die. Full stop.

Oh, and don't shit yourself.
- - Like it's an afterthought?
- Yes.
- OK.

Well, let's think of his vibe
and what he's going to appeal to.

- Yeah.
- You know, so like,
"Go hard..."

And something. A joke about his
mum or something.

- Cooee.
- Knock, knock.

Sorry, I'm just doing some
pretend work.

- Ah.
- Um... That's great.

So, yes, hello.
Have you got a motto?

Yes.

- It's smoke weed.
- Eat..."Pussay."

Pussay!"Smoke weed..."Eat...

- Pussay... pussay.
- Yeah.

I'd put a couple of As.
Insert a second A.

"Smoke weed, eat pussaay."

Mm, yeah.
Thank you very much.

Is that OK?You've stolen a biscuit.

Oh.

If you'd asked I would have let you
- have one.
- Sorry.

Will that be marked down
against this?

- I mean, it's not a plus.
- Smoke weed,
eat pussaay has put us there.

I just don't want the biscuit
to bring us down.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Please join the others
at the campfire.

Thank you for the opportunity
to shine.

You're welcome.

Videus rende amore.

Videus rende amore.

And David Mitchell's
going to go,

"And what does that mean?"

And we're going to go,
"Live, laugh, love."

Do you know what "live, laugh,
love" is, though?

You know that it's like a sort of
Instagram motivation...

It's sort of like white
women's Allah.

With confidence.

- - What's up, Davey?
- Hello.
- Hi, David.

Or David. Sorry. I said Davey, I
thought we was on more casual terms.

- I apologise.
- Cos you said Davey?
- I said Davey.
- Davey, ooh.

Yeah, it was too casual.
I don't mind Davey, actually.

- Right.
- Good start.
What's your motto?

BOTH:Videus rende amore.

I am assuming that is in Latin.

- - That is Latin.
- Yes, it is.
- I'm going
to have to use Google Translate.

So, go again.

- - - - Videus.
- Videus.
- Vende.
- Rende.
- Rende.

- Amore.
- Amore.

It means live, laugh, love.

As far as we could see, David,
most mottos are in Latin.

- A lot of them are.
- See you later.
- See you later.
- OK.

Um... Aw! I wish I could
say goodbye in Latin.

Ah, I can't either.

So, you could make something up.

- Avay, Davey.
- Avay, Jessica.

I think we nailed that.
Yeah, I don't think we did.

Live, laugh, love.
Videus rende amore.

Popsie them in there.

Do you like beans, Ed?
I actually hate beans.

- Oh, do you?
- Yeah, I really think
beans are the scourge

of British cuisine.

If you were in the Olympics...
Big if, big if!

Erm, you've got gold, silver,
bronze. Bronze is still quite good.

We could get bronze.
That's true.

But there's only three teams.

I think if you got bronze in
the Olympics and there were only

three people running the race, you'd
- be disappointed.
- No, cos you'd

think, "I'm at the bloody Olympics.
Let's have a nice time."Oh, OK.

So, you consider this the Olympics
of... Television.

Right, OK. We've come at this from
very, very different angles.

Also, I think the Olympics
has a big claim

to be the Olympics of television.
- Yeah.
- Because it's on television.

Shall we go and meet these other
entertainment athletes?

Yes, come on. Let's go and see how
they're limbering up for tonight.

- I love camping.
- You seem always
ready to camp.

I'm always ready to camp.

I don't know what it is about...
It's the discomfort

that's part of it.
I don't know why.

I quite like that it's stripped back
and that the bar is so low.

I went camping once when I was,
well, 13, with my mum and dad,

getting off with this 16-year-old.
But he didn't know how old I was.

- How old were you?13.
- OK! Well...

Yeah, I looked old for my age.

And my mum shouted at him,
"Do you know how old she is?"

I was so embarrassed.

And then she said, "She's 13."

And then he went,
"What? How old are you?"

And then I ran in the tent.

- It was awful.
- So, he found out?
- From Mother. Yeah.
- Shit.

He couldn't tell the time.
It was two... It was twins.

And one brother was a bit slow
and one brother wasn't.

But the one who was a bit slow
couldn't tell...

Did you get off
with the slow brother?

- I got off with the slow one.
- Yeah.

So, really, you were taking
advantage of him.

This story has more twists and turns
than I was expecting.

The prey becomes the predator.

Yeah. Cos I was like, "Oh, God,
well, that's awful.

"I'm so sorry, Lou." And then
I was like,

"Oh, no, it turns out
he had a slow brother."

LAUGHTER

Teams!

"Don't die and don't shit yourself"
are pieces of advice

that it is impossible to take.

We all die and we all shit
ourselves.

God, you are not getting a badge!

We're coming to the end of a busy
first day and we've had a bit

of everything -
the will to survive...

- - Timber!
- Timber!
- Oh.

I'm pretty sure that's not safe.

...the will to kill...

God, that's... Oh!

He's fucking dead.

...and lavatorial humour.

BOTH:Don't shit yourself.

But do they deserve a badge as part
of an arbitrary format? Let's see.

Teams! Will you please stop hanging
around there

and start hanging around here?

Well, this is nice.

- Nice, little campfire.
- Gosh, is that
- real?
- Oh, look at this!

That's lovely, isn't it?
Welcome, Outsiders.

And now as night falls, this is
the point that comes at the end

of the day on every camping holiday,
when you wonder whether

the activities of the daytime have
been sufficiently exhausting

and draining to compensate for
the horrendously

uncomfortable conditions in which
you're expected to sleep.

But first, we have to review
the performances of the day.

As pairs, you're aiming for the
magical full house of three badges.

First of all, the lumberjack badge.

Kerry and Toussaint.
How do you think it went?

- Good.
- The 50% that we did,
we did well

to about 100%.

And the 50% being trying to cut
the tree down,

and the only bit you didn't
being cutting it down.

Because it's still standing,
isn't it?

Can I just say I believe our tree
was particularly girthy?

It was a girthy tree.

Nevertheless, the rate at which
you penetrated its girth

was slower than anyone else's.

And the fact remains,
it's still standing.

So, I'm afraid you're not going
to get the lumberjack badge.

Now, I'm going to move
on to Jess and Jamali.

How did you feel you worked
as a team?

I did most of it.

And when I say most of it,
I mean all of it.

Well, I was cheering you on
for quite a lot of it.

Is that how you envisage the future
of your team? On each activity,

- one of you will take the lead?
- Yeah,
if you've got like a make-up

activity, then I'm going to take
- that one.
- Childcare badge

- or something.
- Childcare badge.

It's inspiring how you're bucking
- the stereotypes.
- Thank you.

Well, I didn't want to lean into
the stereotype

of woman stands by while man cuts
down tree,

and yet he was really good at it,
and I didn't want to get in the way.

Let a man shine when he shines.
I was very good at it.

And he shone. Let me tell you.

You chopped that tree down.

I'm happy to give you your
lumberjack badge.

- Yes!
- Congratulations.
CHEERING

- Right.
- Deserved. Lovely stuff.

Lou and Ed, you did a lot of
things right.

I think we worked very well
- - as a team.
- Very well.
- I agree.

I went slow and steady and hard,
and then I would hand the axe

off to Lou to go turbo mode.
Party time!

But, of course, there was a problem,
wasn't there?

Which was not our fault.

Some cunt told us the wrong tree...

...to chop down,
and it did fall down

but the other trees caught it.

- It didn't fall down.
- It did
fall down. It did fall down.

We did... It didn't fall down?!

I must say, I was torn.

It was an unfortunate set
of circumstances.

So, I didn't know what to do.
I was in a real quandary.

But then, you know how sometimes
you get a sign...

Oh, no... about what you should do?

And I got a bit of a sign, like
a shaft of light in the darkness,

when you, Lou, said to me,
"Stick the badge up your arse."

LAUGHTER

- - And, do you know?
- Lou!
- I've stuffed
that badge up my arse...

I'll get it out!..and I've stuffed
it so far up my arse,

I can't get it out.
As a result of that,

I'm not going to give you the badge,
I'm afraid.

Because it's up your arse?

- It's up my arse now.
- Can we see what
transpires in the toilet tomorrow

and then maybe pick the badge up
off you, then?

You really are keen
to get the badge, aren't you?

Well, you know, all right.
I'll keep an eye on it.

You're not getting it for now.
Sorry.

So, in conclusion, Jamali and Jess
are the only team to win

a lumberjack badge.

APPLAUSE

- Thank you.
- Well done.

Moving on to the camp motto
badge. Jess and Jamali,

would you like to remind
us what your motto was?

Can you remember it?

That's an interesting question,
isn't it? "Can you remember it?"

Because we're looking...
Of course, we can remember it.

Can you remember it?

Vitreous, dende, amore.

- Ooh.
- I mean, it wasn't that.

It was...
Are you serious?

Shall we just...?Try and agree what
- it was.
- What I thought it was -

was videus, rende, amore.

Yeah, there you go. There you go.
- There I go.
- Videus, dende, amore.

What was the reasoning behind it
that you were going to say?

We wanted to make up a Latin one.

And then the people who want to live
by the motto can make it up

themselves because that's what
surviving is.

Ah, so you would make-up something
nonsensical... Yeah.

...on which anyone could project
the meaning they want.

Because that's what survival is.
Survival is using your own mind.

And also we were trying
to impress you with Latin.

Yeah, that's another reason.

- What does it mean?
- We thought we
got away with it until you said,

"Well, I'm going to Google it."
And I was like...

That was a savage impression!

Did you Google it?
Yes, I did.

- What does it mean?
- Well,
the translation to Latin

of "videus, rende, amore"
was "videus, rende, love."

Videus and rende mean
videus rende in Latin, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, it's an interesting point.

But I think in a way you're
disrespecting the notion

of a motto by saying it's just
gibberish onto which anyone projects

whatever meaning they want.
"Videus, rende, amore",

I'm afraid I'm not going to give
- the motto badge to.
- Ah!

Absolutely gutted about that.

But let's move on to you,
Ed and Lou.

I'd really like you to say it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it was... Was it "smoke weed,
eat pussaay"?

And it was specified it was pussaay
with one or two As

between the second S.

That's Churchillian!
LAUGHING

The absolutely golden and universal

and moving "Smoke weed,
"eat pussaay."

Don't make me tell you to shove
this badge up your arse again.

No, Lou!
LAUGHTER

I'm sorry. I'm still... I think
- it's a bad motto.
- Then, Lou...

- Lou.
- I'm not going to give you...
Shove your badge up your arse!

I'm afraid that's going to have to
go with a collection of badges

that you've failed to win,
right up there.

Can we...? Is it possible to change
our motto to

"Shove the badge up your arse"?

So, no badge for you either.

Now, Kerry and Toussaint,
would you like to remind me

- of your motto?
- Yes. It was -

Don't cry... Don't cry, don't die.

Don't shit yourself.

I have a problem with this motto.

- Why?
- Don't cry, that's emotionally
- unhealthy to say that.
- Controlling.

People should cry if they feel
the need to.

Don't die and don't shit yourself
are pieces of advice

that it is impossible to take.

We all die and we all shit
ourselves.

It fails as a motto in that
the three things that it exhorts,

one of them it shouldn't exhort
and two of them are impossible.

Oh, my God. You are not getting
- a badge.
- This is really intense.

I'm afraid I'm not awarding...
No-one's getting a camp motto badge.

- Fair enough.
- Fair enough.

Now, the final badge of the day
- first aid.

I'm going to start with you, Kerry
and Toussaint. You completed it.

I think... We got you back intact.
I was in a bad way,

but I might have lived. Basically,
I think you did the job.

- Brilliant.
- You get the badge.
- - Yes!
- Yes!
- There you go.

- Well done.
- And we were really
comforting, I felt.

- Yes.
- You've got the badge,
- chill out.
- Ed and Lou.

Um, again, there was a lot
of competence shown

and I was very impressed.

- But here's my problem.
- Ah.

- And you're looking at me again.
- Yes.

At the end, Lou, you dropped my head
on the floor deliberately.

Lou got very mixed up when we saw
you in real life.

- That's it.
- Because previously you
had believed it was really me

- on the stretcher.
- Uh, yeah!
Well, that was your voice, mate.

I'm going to ask you to answer
that again without lying.

Let's not focus on the end point.

Let's focus on all the way along.
I gave you medicine.

- - And I gave you Reiki.
- Reiki!
- I bet
these guys didn't give you

- Angel Reiki, did they?
- And then you
dropped my head on the floor.

No, David. Come on, please.

There's a pattern here, isn't there?
You do all the work and then you

just throw it away at
the last minute.

Yeah. What about the pattern here?
Do all the work.

There's a big issue for you, Ed.
What's happening here?

- Sabotage.
- Please, I self-sabotage.

I didn't have a good childhood.

That's so manipulative.

- Please.
- Is there a manipulation
- badge?
- Ed has struggled here

with his failing pancreas.

Yeah, well, give the badge to Ed.

I don't think that's how it works,
but if it does work like that,

- I'll accept the badge.
- No, you've
ruined it for Ed, Lou.

- Oh. Oh.
- You've ruined it
- for him.
- Again.

Can we make sure that you say again?

You have ruined it for Ed again.
Please...

David, I was really good on
that task. I did everything right.

- But then you ruined it.
- Yeah, but
you can't take one little joke

at the end, otherwise you're
a real square. Come off of it.

- Please!
- No, it's like
a driving test.

If you run over a toddler at
the last bit, it doesn't matter

how well you reversed around
the corner.

But were you a bit of
a laugh on the way? Please!

No, no first aid badge for you.

- Uh-oh.
- Don't look at me like that.
Of course, we're not getting

a first aid badge. You dropped him
on his head right at the end.

Now, Jess and Jamali.
Wow. He's strict.

Would you like to tell the other
Outsiders what happened

during your attempt to get
a first aid badge?

Well, what happened is honestly

I just got pissed off and I
bodyslammed your body on the floor.

I don't want to turn on my team-mate
here or anything,

but I've been teamed up with
somebody who is a killer.

- We killed David.
- Yeah.

And then we buried his body.
Yeah.

- In the woods.
- Yeah.

It has to be said, Jess,
you were complicit

in the... She helped me bury your
- body.
- In the decision to bury me.

- Was I?Yeah.
- Yes.

- Oh.
- You were. You joined in quite
enthusiastically.

LAUGHTER

To be fair on you, that is something
that would have to be dealt

with in a survival situation.

Someone who doesn't survive.

- - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- And in a way,
you embraced the sheer brutality

of that scenario very quickly
and that showed mental agility.

- Thank you.
- If they get a badge
for burying you...

- Oh, my goodness.
- Sometimes in
medicine it's about being humane

and you was messed up. You had
a broken neck, broken this,

- broken that.
- So, you humanely
- bodyslammed him?
- No, no, no.

He was already dead at that point.

And if someone's dead, have a bit of
fun with the body.

That's my new motto. If he's dead,
have a bit of fun with the body.

I felt that dealing
with the deceased is part

of a survival situation.

And genuinely, I was quite
moved by what you did.

- What?
- And if there was a badge for
killing and burying someone

in the woods, I would give
it to you.

Unfortunately, I don't feel that...
There's no morgue badge?

...when it ends with a grave,

I can't in all conscience give you
- a first aid badge.
- That's fair.

But I'd give you sort of extra
points for artistry.

So, the only badge goes to Kerry
and Toussaint.

And at the end of day one
of Outsiders, we have two teams

with one badge.

That's Jessica and Jamali,
Kerry and Toussaint.

- And one team with no badge.
- Yeah!
That's Lou and Ed, so...

But, for me, this show is all
about the journey.

And at this time of night it should
take me about 45 minutes,

so I'd better be going.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

- - Oh, bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.

David has genuinely gone home,
- hasn't he?
- Yeah. Shall we go, then?

We probably should go to our tents.

Condom-ents.

Looks to me like three condoms
tied to a stick.

One wank of sugar or two?

Lou, have you been to
- the hairdresser's before?
- No, never.

OK, well, what they don't tend to do
is hand you your hair

bit by bit as they cut it off. OK.

- Oh, no. What have you done?
- Nothing.
Nothing to worry about, Simon.

- Is that coffee?
- It's coffee.

No!

We're good, we're good.

But look at that.

NO!

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