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1
00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,405
Here we are.
2
00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:05,406
Be it ever so humble.
3
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,309
Wow, this is some house.
4
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,212
If you ever decide to sell,
I want the listing.
5
00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:13,614
Well, you'd have to kill
my mom for it, so...
6
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,649
sure.
7
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,387
Can I make you a drink?
8
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,955
Charlie, we both know
I'm gonna sleep with you.
9
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:25,193
You don't have
to liquor me up.
10
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:26,694
Hey, I've been doing
this a long time.
11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,296
Trust me,
you'll want a drink.
12
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,166
Oh, hey.
13
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,401
I didn't know
you guys were home.
14
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:35,002
Lydia, this is
my brother Alan.
15
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,170
Alan, hi.
16
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:37,305
Hi.
17
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,473
So sorry to hear
about your troubles.
18
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,008
Troubles?
What troubles?
19
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,343
Oh, maybe I have it wrong.
20
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,445
Charlie, didn't you
tell me he was divorced,
21
00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:46,314
broke and living
on your couch?
22
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,987
I don't know what
she's talking about.
23
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,257
Well, I am going through
a bit of a rough patch,
24
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:58,326
but I try not to think
about it too much.
25
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,027
Good for you.
26
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,196
I'd be suicidal.
27
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,466
You hear that?
You have options.
28
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,437
Anyway, this is
my nephew Jake.
29
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,704
Hello, Jake.
Hi.
30
00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:11,572
So, what grade
are you in?
31
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,407
Seventh.
32
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,277
Well, don't you worry
when the other kids
make fun of you.
33
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,512
You'll show 'em someday.
34
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,382
Nobody makes fun of me.
35
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,351
You're kidding?
36
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,753
Why would anyone make fun of me?
37
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,522
And this is
my housekeeper Berta.
38
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,757
Berta, Lydia.
39
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:33,261
Choose your words carefully,
Slim.
40
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,129
Slim?
41
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,464
Why, thank you.
42
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,065
I watch what I eat.
43
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,668
Going in or coming out?
44
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:50,244
Hey, why don't we forget
the drinks, and go out
45
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,745
on the deck
and enjoy the sunset?
46
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:55,249
All right. Well, it was so
nice to meet all of you.
47
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,185
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Sure.
48
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,521
You didn't have to be so rude.
49
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:08,496
You said they were
laughing with me.
50
00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:12,233
Hey, I got my own problems.
51
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,203
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
52
00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:18,372
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
53
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:21,509
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
54
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,411
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
55
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,214
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
56
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,283
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
57
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:33,654
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
58
00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:44,865
No need to thank me.
59
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:48,436
I wasn't going to.
60
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,204
Excuse me?
61
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,872
I mean, it was very nice,
62
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,342
it's just if I'd known you
were gonna camp down there
63
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,544
I would've given you a lantern
and some marshmallows.
64
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,881
Hey, I was just
trying to be thorough.
65
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,350
You were showing off.
66
00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:04,184
No, no, if I were
showing off
67
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,654
I'd have done it
with no hands.
68
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,156
So I can expect
this kind of effort
69
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:10,724
every time we get in bed?
70
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:14,828
Well, maybe not
during flu season.
71
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,830
And it's important
to have variety.
72
00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:19,166
I'm not always gonna
swing for the long ball,
73
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,302
every once in a while
I'll lay down a bunt,
74
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:24,605
and how did you manage to
turn this into a bad thing?
75
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,774
It's not a bad thing.
76
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,709
Thank you.
77
00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:31,211
Which is not to say if you
were open to suggestion
78
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:32,179
it couldn't be better.
79
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,347
Oh, really?
80
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,882
And how could it
have been better?
81
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,918
Ooh, looks like
I pushed a button.
82
00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:40,621
Yeah, well, it looks
like I didn't.
83
00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,923
Charlie...
84
00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:46,193
you can push an elevator
button a hundred times,
85
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:49,630
it still won't
come any faster.
86
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,165
Fine.
87
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,201
Maybe next time
I'll take the stairs.
88
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,870
Oh, come on...
89
00:03:56,937 --> 00:04:00,374
don't be like that.
90
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,644
You were magnificent.
91
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:06,179
Astonishing.
92
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:10,351
You've ruined me
for other men.
93
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:13,287
There, was that so hard?
94
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,956
You boys and
your little egos.
95
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:17,358
Okay, okay, stop.
96
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,226
In this bed,
we don't say "boys"
97
00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,260
and we don't say
"little."
98
00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,963
Fine.
99
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,598
You want me
to try again?
100
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:27,668
No, I'm a bit chafed.
101
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:30,304
Let's make the next few
minutes about pleasing you.
102
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,640
A few minutes?
That's all I get?
103
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:33,841
Trust me, darling,
104
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,410
with me, that's all
you can handle.
105
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,349
* Men...
106
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,384
(TV playing)
107
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,252
Hey, Dad?
Yeah?
108
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:47,421
Do you like Uncle
Charlie's new girlfriend?
109
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:50,624
Well, I just met her
the one time, so...
110
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,593
no, not really.
111
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,662
You know who she
reminds me of?
112
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,997
The girls at school who
think they rule the world
113
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:59,567
just 'cause they
got their boobs.
114
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,002
Well, I hate to tell you, buddy,
115
00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,805
but they kinda do.
116
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,273
I don't get it.
117
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,509
I wouldn't be mean
if I had boobs.
118
00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:10,277
That's very admirable.
119
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,257
(girly voice):
Hi there.
120
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,495
I like you very much.
121
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,697
Please don't do that.
122
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:33,300
Do what?
I'm just being nice.
123
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,002
I'm serious.
Cut it out.
124
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:37,838
Hey.
125
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,006
Hey.
126
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:42,843
(girly voice):
Hello, big boy.
127
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,615
You really need to get him
into a sport.
128
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:52,786
I'll need
a sports bra.
129
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:56,056
I said quit it.
130
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,825
What are you watching?
131
00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,060
I don't know,
some Disney crap.
132
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,531
Where's your
girlfriend?
133
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:06,033
Hey, my boob!
134
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,303
She had to go
pick up her kids.
135
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,673
Probably from therapy.
136
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:13,907
What's that
supposed to mean?
137
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:14,942
We don't like her.
138
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,810
Who's "we"?
139
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,311
Me and Dad.
140
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,581
No, no, I d... uh...
141
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:21,882
That's, that's not...
142
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:24,351
I mean, she
seems really...
143
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,019
No, we don't
like her.
144
00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,389
All right, she might be
a bit outspoken,
145
00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,425
but I happen to find
that very attractive.
146
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:35,563
She must be dynamite
in the sack.
147
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,767
Where do you get
this stuff from?
148
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,736
Cinemax.
149
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:46,874
Well, not that my sex life
is any of your business...
150
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,108
It's not
his business.
151
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,743
It's nobody's
business.
152
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:52,112
So, what does she do
for a living?
153
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:56,049
Besides being a
stone cold bee-yatch.
154
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,788
HBO.
155
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,826
She sells real estate.
156
00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:06,994
Oh, like Mom.
157
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:10,798
No, not like Mom.
158
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,601
Lydia sells high-end homes
in Beverly Hills,
159
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,736
and Mom sells
high-end homes...
160
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,370
mostly on the beach.
161
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,740
What are you getting
so defensive about?
162
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,141
I'm not getting defensive!
163
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:24,812
Lydia sells homes
on the bee-yatch.
164
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:33,687
All right, all right, that's it.
Go to bed.
165
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,725
I wasn't mean
before I got my boobs.
166
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:49,770
Boy, puberty is gonna
hit him like a shovel.
167
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,140
* Men...
168
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,811
Good to have you back,
Mr. Harper.
Thank you, Bobby.
169
00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,047
We haven't seen your mother here
for quite some time.
170
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,949
Well, maybe you just didn't
recognize her.
171
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,585
Like Satan, my mother
can take many forms.
172
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,787
(chuckles):
Good one.
173
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,822
I'm ready to order.
174
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:09,990
Of course.
175
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,992
Apologies for the frivolity.
176
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:13,861
What would you like?
177
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,128
I'll have the seared
ahi tuna filet.
178
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,097
Good choice.
I want it
very rare.
179
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:20,200
That's how we serve it.
I want it red in the
middle, not pink.
180
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,770
Shall do.
If it's pink, don't even
bother bringing it.
181
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,905
Got it.
Just give it to someone who
doesn't know what rare is.
182
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,506
Of course.
You know what?
Forget it.
183
00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:29,109
You won't
get it right.
184
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,110
Is your salmon fresh?
185
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,979
Flown in today.
186
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:32,913
What time?
187
00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:34,948
I'll ask the chef.
188
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,018
Many forms.
I thought you were joking.
189
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,221
You eat here regularly?
190
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,557
Not anymore.
191
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,593
So, listen,
about this weekend.
192
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,060
My ex is going
to be out of town,
193
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:48,729
so I'll have the kids.
194
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:51,665
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lydia,
no one loves the little ones
195
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,567
more than old Uncle Charlie,
196
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,903
but don't you think
it might be a bit soon
197
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,170
for me to meet your kids?
198
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,139
Oh, I don't want
you to meet them.
199
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,140
Why not?
200
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,174
Because I'm very careful
201
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,876
about who I expose them to.
202
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,712
What's that supposed to mean?
Charlie, please.
203
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:07,247
Why can't I expose myself
to your kids?
204
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:10,150
I mean, why can't I meet
your kids?
205
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,586
Please don't make me
hurt your feelings.
206
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,655
You can't hurt my feelings.
207
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,190
All right, fine.
208
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,992
You're a professional boy toy,
209
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,161
a perpetual adolescent
leading a dissolute life.
210
00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,030
You may have your uses,
211
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,133
but you're not the kind of man
I want around my children.
212
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,135
Oh.
213
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:31,138
What made you think that would
hurt my feelings?
214
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,906
2:00.
Jet Blue from Vancouver.
215
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,108
Would you like me to find out
what the movie was?
216
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,678
Don't bother,
I'll just have the capellini.
217
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:42,215
And I'll have the pork chop
with a baked potato.
218
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:45,118
How about a little angioplasty
for dessert?
219
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,187
Hey, I like a nice pork chop
once in a while.
220
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,289
Fine, I'm not going
to tell you how to eat.
221
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:50,824
Really?
222
00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,960
Even if I chew slowly
for your pleasure?
223
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:55,896
(waiter clears throat)
224
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:59,667
So, yay or nay
on the pork chop?
225
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:03,837
I'll have the spinach
and goat cheese salad.
226
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,205
Good choice.
Thank you.
227
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,239
On the food.
228
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,144
* Men...
229
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,983
How many pieces of bacon
are you going to eat?
230
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,651
My record's 14.
231
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,287
I barfed, but
it still counts.
232
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,589
Do you know
what's going to happen
233
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,291
if you continue
to eat like this?
234
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,661
Yeah, I'm gonna barf.
235
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,330
Alan, doesn't
this poor child
236
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:31,865
already have enough
strikes against him?
237
00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,767
He's fine, Mom.
238
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,169
All right, but when
Jerry Springer has
to knock down a wall
239
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,171
just to get him
out of his house,
240
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,307
don't come
crying to me.
241
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,176
That wasn't Jerry,
that was Dr. Phil.
242
00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,146
I'm not saying
it wasn't a turn-on,
243
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,281
I just think you need
to trim a fingernail.
244
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,283
Oh.
Hey, Mom.
245
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,653
Uh, Mom, this is Lydia.
Lydia, my mother.
246
00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,355
Oh, pleased to meet you.
247
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,725
Likewise.
248
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,932
Boy, I'm glad I stopped
coming to work high.
249
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,035
* Men...
250
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:14,708
I mean, besides my son.
251
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,145
I'm in real estate.
252
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,781
How interesting, so am I.
253
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,016
Oh, yes. Evelyn Harper.
254
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,919
I recognize you
from your bus bench ads.
255
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:29,122
People all over town
are sitting on your face.
256
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,194
Well, dear, maybe someday,
257
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:36,196
if you work hard,
people will be sitting
258
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,031
on your face, too.
259
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,369
Thank you. Although when I get
to be your age,
260
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,404
I hope I won't be schlepping
to open houses
261
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:45,973
in order to make a buck.
262
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,875
(chuckles)
Don't say "schlep," darling.
263
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,811
You're a bit too vanilla
to pull it off.
264
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,680
So, Charlie,
how long have you
265
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,849
been seeing this
lovely woman?
266
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:59,386
Uh... how long has
it been, sweetie?
267
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,088
Are you telling me you
don't remember when we met?
268
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:03,056
The way
he drinks?
269
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:06,426
There's a good chance he doesn't
remember coming down the stairs.
270
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,028
Did his father drink?
271
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:11,164
What choice did he have?
272
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,000
Charlie, don't be snide.
273
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,235
And stand up straight.
274
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,872
This is so weird.
275
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,340
EVELYN:
Well, I really must run.
276
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,143
Oh, me, too--
can I walk you out?
Oh, how nice.
277
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:24,812
Are you sure you don't
want to stay
278
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,014
and finish putting on
your makeup?
279
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,382
That's okay, I'm done.
280
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,084
Would you like
to borrow some?
281
00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,320
No, thanks, I'm allergic
to the drugstore brands.
282
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,266
What?
283
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:50,370
And they call you slow.
284
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,972
You're kidding,
right?
285
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,340
You don't see it?
286
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:54,341
See what?
287
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:55,242
Lydia and Mom.
288
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,409
What about them?
289
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,278
Come on, Charlie.
The only difference
290
00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:01,949
between those two broads
is you came out of
one and you're...
291
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:02,983
CHARLIE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
292
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:05,085
Hold on, hold on.
293
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,126
You think Lydia's like Mom?
294
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,395
No. We think
Lydia is Mom.
295
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:19,466
Okay, okay, you guys are nuts.
296
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:22,435
And this conversation
is over.
297
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,406
Who calls me slow?
298
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:31,244
* Men...
299
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,346
And I'll tell you another thing.
300
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:36,083
There's a lot of women in this
town who work in real estate.
301
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,885
I thought this
conversation was over.
302
00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:40,087
They all wear the suits
and the designer bags.
303
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,321
It's like a uniform.
304
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,456
They could be firemen.
305
00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:46,059
And Mom's Lexus is a two-door,
306
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,061
while Lydia's Lexus
is a four-door.
307
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,296
Worlds apart.
308
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,064
It is worlds apart.
309
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,033
The two-door is a selfish car.
310
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,202
The four-door is a family car.
311
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,170
And you know why Lydia
has a family car?
312
00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,471
Because Lydia has children.
313
00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:01,174
Unlike our mother.
314
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,443
Shut up.
315
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,512
Charlie, it's okay.
316
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,414
You've been working out
your maternal issues
317
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,382
by having sex with other women
your entire life.
318
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,185
All you're doing now
is cutting out the middle man.
319
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,421
Oh, that is just sick.
320
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,959
My point exactly.
321
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:21,061
(muttering):
Stupid idiot.
322
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,831
You're just jealous.
323
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:30,370
Lydia's smart, funny, and sexy,
way sexier than Mom.
324
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:32,005
Not that I think Mom is sexy.
325
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,874
New thought, new thought,
new thought.
326
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,543
Oh, Charlie.
327
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,346
If you could get
rid of disturbing
thoughts that easily,
328
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:43,150
I wouldn't be making a quilt
out of your old underwear.
329
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,352
Hi, Rose.
330
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:48,321
I brought you
a little gift.
331
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,290
OedipusRex?
332
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,159
It's about a guy who
sleeps with his mother
333
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,360
and then pokes
his eyes out.
334
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:54,827
I'm giving away
the ending,
335
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,429
because I'm afraid
you might be blind
336
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,431
by the time
you get to it.
337
00:14:58,498 --> 00:14:59,832
Where do you get this stuff?
338
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,368
You've never even seen Lydia.
339
00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:04,471
No, you've never
seen me see her.
340
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:07,040
Lydia is nothing like my mother.
341
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,575
Why would I get involved
with a woman
342
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,078
who even slightly resembles
the monster who bore me?
343
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:15,348
(chuckling):
Oh, are you going
to love this book.
344
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:18,118
(sighing):
Here.
345
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,886
Mom wants to talk to you.
346
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,554
Oh, great.
347
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,223
Hi, Mom.
348
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,092
Oh, Lydia.
349
00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:26,426
(softly):
Very funny.
350
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:27,860
I thought so.
351
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,030
I liked it.
(chuckles)
352
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,464
So what's up?
353
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,200
Are you still
coming over tomorrow?
354
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,069
I thought your ex
had the kids.
355
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:39,372
Okay, well, why don't you
bring them over?
356
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:43,243
Oh, please, how could I possibly
embarrass you?
357
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:46,413
No, no, no, no, no, no, I
only do that when I'm drunk.
358
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,884
Look, I swear, I'll be
on my best behavior.
359
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,287
Great. I'll see you then,
Mom...
360
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,989
of the year!
361
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,426
Well, in my book you are.
362
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:03,630
One word, and everybody
gets their eyes poked out.
363
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,567
* Men...
364
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:10,337
Why do I have to play
with kids I don't know?
365
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,339
Because Lydia's
bringing them over,
366
00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:16,209
and I didn't have time
to rent a clown.
367
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,644
Are they boys or girls?
368
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,446
Beats me.
369
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,048
How old are they?
370
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:22,349
Not a clue.
371
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,584
Sounds like fun.
372
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,119
Hey, they're kids,
you're a kid.
373
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,520
How tough could it be?
374
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,290
I mean, we're not
breeding pandas here.
375
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,161
All right, but
if they're boys,
376
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,528
just don't call them
"little dudes," okay?
377
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,996
Why not?
378
00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:38,931
There was this guy
Mom used to date,
379
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,334
and every time he'd see me,
he'd call me "little dude."
380
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,002
He was an idiot.
381
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,439
Okay, okay,
that's good stuff.
382
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,674
What else you got?
383
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,342
No lame magic tricks,
no head rubbing,
384
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,078
and please,
no high fives.
385
00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,445
Got it.
386
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,381
And don't ask,
"Who wants ice cream?"
387
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,083
Everybody wants ice cream.
388
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,417
I understand.
389
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,719
Even lactose-intolerant kids
want ice cream.
390
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,554
Makes sense.
391
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,623
But whatever you do, don't try
to pretend you're
392
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,258
not sleeping with their mom.
We're not stupid.
393
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,662
So if I do this stuff,
her kids will like me?
394
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,364
No.
Why not?
395
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,300
You're doing their mom.
396
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,504
(doorbell rings)
397
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,374
Hello, Lydia.
398
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,476
Hey, little dudes,
give me five.
399
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,115
(chuckling):
All right.
400
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:30,183
That's what I'm
talking about.
401
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:34,354
(softly):
Don't worry,
he's not the one I'm dating.
402
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,523
There they are. Welcome.
403
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:37,757
Hello, Charlie.
404
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,526
These are my sons,
Andy and Joey.
405
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:40,560
Nice to meet you guys.
406
00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:41,761
(coughing):
Wrong.
407
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,500
Shake hands with him, darlings.
408
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,068
Hi.
409
00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,103
Hey.
410
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,271
(scoffs)
Not like that.
411
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:53,039
Shake hands
like a man.
I am!
412
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,143
Do you always
have to embarrass me?
413
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,777
(laughs)
414
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,045
What are you laughing at?
415
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,047
You're no prize, either.
416
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,389
Oh.
417
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,392
What?
418
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:14,327
Nothing.
419
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,062
Excuse me.
420
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:36,416
(Charlie screaming)
421
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:46,593
Hey, who wants
ice cream?
422
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,830
* Men...
423
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,605
You don't want to turn into a
big tub of goo like your father.
424
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,274
And those are
expensive new shirts.
425
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:04,611
If you stain them,
don't even bother coming back.
426
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,187
What now?
427
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:16,323
Oh. Nothing, nothing.
428
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,691
I was just thinking
about mothers
429
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:23,796
and kids and crying.
430
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:27,334
So much crying.
431
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,736
Well, what do you think
of my boys?
432
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,538
Oh, they're-they're terrific.
433
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:36,243
And the way you interact
with them is so... unbelievable.
434
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,844
Thank you.
435
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,779
The older one has a chance.
436
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:42,114
The younger one, I'm afraid,
is a lost cause.
437
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,151
Anyway,
438
00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:47,153
we have the house
to ourselves.
439
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,822
Do you feel
like going upstairs?
440
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:54,261
Uh, yeah, that's a, uh,
interesting idea.
441
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:56,263
What's the matter, Charlie?
442
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,565
It's kind of
hard to explain.
443
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,701
Well, why don't we
go get naked
444
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:04,671
and see if that
loosens your tongue?
445
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:11,278
I got my nails done.
446
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:15,448
Oh, why not?
447
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:18,485
I'm going to hell, anyway.
30778
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