Original subtitles

you want to go out and grab some dinner?

I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.

Why not? You got a date?

He said, knowing the answer,

but asking anyway, just to be polite.

No, I don't have a date, he replied, all the while thinking,

"Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."

So why can't you go?

Are you kidding?

I'm paying alimony to two women.

I don't have money for luxuries like eating out.

Or eating in, really.

I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.

It's all right, I'll treat.

No, no, no, you've done too much for me already.

Yeah, but it's not like I'm keeping a tab... $26,382.

To date.

Exactly, so I need to start carrying my own weight,

which is actually getting easier now that I'm wasting away.

Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself.

I'll find something here to eat.

Maybe some scrambled eggs and a Popsicle.

Fine. See ya later.

(sighs)

All right, I'm only going to ask you one more time.

Would you like to have dinner with me?

That depends. Where are we going?

Oh, for God's sake!

What, what, I don't even get a vote?

No, you don't get a vote. You get a free meal.

Well, if I was one of your dates, you'd ask where I wanted to go.

You're right.

(sexy voice): So where to do you want to go, baby?

That's uh, that's very funny.

Oh, no, no, let's get something hot in you

and then get something hot in you.

Knock it off.

Gee, you smell good.

You know what, you know what? Okay, okay.

I'll just stay here and have a Popsicle.

Oh, you'll be getting a Popsicle.

Fine, fine, okay.

You pick the restaurant.

Thank you. How about sushi?

Ew, not a big fan.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, that's Judith.

Keep thinking.

Jake, your mother's here.

Hey, that Popsicle almost...

Hello.

Hi. Yeah, he'll be right out.

Do me a favor and take 'em both.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, honey, would you wait in the car, please?

Who's in trouble-- me or Dad?

No one's in trouble.

It's you.

Judith, if you're going to chew my ass off,

just know, I'm planning on having it

for breakfast tomorrow.

No, you didn't do anything, Alan.

I just, um...

I wanted to let you know that, uh...

Boy, this is awkward.

You remember that I was dating Jake's pediatrician?

Yeah, yeah, Melnick. What about him?

Well, we started seeing each other again,

and it's gotten serious.

Oh. How serious?

He asked me to marry him, and I said yes.

Oh. Wow.

I... I don't know what to say.

Um, I guess congratulations.

Thank you.

Just wanted to let you know before we told Jake.

Sure, sure, I appreciate it.

It's kind of weird, isn't it?

I mean, we spent so many years together.

It's hard for me to think of you married to somebody else.

Yeah.

Still, I wish you the best, though.

Oh, I know you do.

Thank you.

Well, bye.

Bye.

Five, six, seven, eight...

* No more alimony, no more alimony *

* No more alimony, no more alimony... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

You mean besides eating it with you?

It's all fleshy and flappy and wet.

Feels unnatural against my tongue.

Al... What?

I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

Oh, stop it.

Now, speaking of marriages,

the next time we go out to dinner,

it'll be on me,

because with Judith getting married again...

I'll have...

(monotone): Five, six, seven, eight...

* No more alimony, No more alimony *

* No more alimo...

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here?

And how'd you get in?

Rose let me in.

Hey, guys.

How was dinner?

Forget dinner.

What are you doing here?

Keeping Jake company.

But if you let him in, you had to have been here before him.

Well, yeah.

But if Jake hadn't shown up,

I'd be gone by now, and you'd never know I was here.

So what, you just waltz in and make yourself at home

whenever I'm out?

That's not true.

Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.

Wait a minute.

Let's go back here.

Jake, why aren't you at your mother's?

I ran away.

Sometimes you're in the shower.

Rose, please.

Why did you run away?

Because I hate it there.

Is this about the upcoming nuptials?

It has nothing to do with puberty, Dad.

It's about Mom getting married.

I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.

That was when they were just dating.

Now he thinks he can tell me what to do.

He's not my father.

You don't do what I tell you to do.

Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.

Alan, Alan, can I just interrupt for one sec?

How do you keep getting in?

I've changed the locks three times.

Yes, but you didn't change the locksmith.

I could recommend somebody.

Good night, Rose.

I replace everything I eat.

Good night, Rose.

You know how I do it?

I keep an exact duplicate fridge at my house.

Good night, Rose.

By the way, we're out of Popsicles.

All right, I'm going to call your mother.

She's probably worried sick.

She's probably in the hot tub with Dr. Melnick.

How'd you get here?

Did you steal a car or something?

How can I steal a car? I'm 12.

Oh, kids these days.

No imagination.

I took the bus.

In L.A.? At night?

You'd have been safer stealing a car.

So what's your plan? Where are you headed?

I'm going to stay here.

(chuckling): Oh, you can't stay here.

Why not?

Because you're running away.

"Away," according to the dictionary,

means "not here."

It's usually preceded

by the words, "far, far,"

or in your case, "go."

Oh, come on, why can't I live with you guys?

Oh, Jake, do you have any idea how much I have

to clean up my act when you're here on weekends?

What are you talking about?

I see you drink, gamble, you have strange girls sleep over.

Uh-huh, drop in unannounced on a Wednesday,

and you'll be scarred for life.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself-- your mother's crying.

Good.

Hey!

Don't be mean to your mother.

You're mean to your mother.

My mother can take it.

She actually feeds on it.

Anyway, she wanted me to tell you

that she loves you more than anything

and that she and Dr. Melnick aren't going to get married

until you've had time to adjust to the idea.

Well, then they'll never get married,

'cause I'm never going to adjust to it.

Five, six, seven...

Shut up.

* Men...

You know, I am a little surprised at you.

I would think you would want your mom to be happy.

Hey, she can be happy all she wants.

I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad.

Oh, why not?

'Cause I already have a dad.

And he's already a jerk.

All right, buddy.

I'm going to have to tell you something pretty heavy.

But I think it's something

that you're old enough to understand.

You can do better than me.

Way better.

Did you know that I'm not even a real doctor,

but Dr. Melnick is.

So what?

"So what"? Are you kidding?

He makes more money than I do.

He can buy you better presents than I can.

And don't underestimate the value

of having a prescription pad lying around the house.

Charlie.

You know, if someone gets sick.

Or bored.

But I only need one dad.

And you'll only have one dad,

but there's nothing that says

you can't call him "Dad" and me "Alan."

We'll still know who's who.

I'm getting a little misty.

Forget it, I'm never going to like him.

May I suggest you try a more...

shall we say, practical approach?

Jake, how much does your mom give you for allowance?

Ten dollars a week.

Okay...

Uh, I'm going to write down some figures here,

and you tell me to stop when you see a number

that makes you feel a little warmer toward Dr. Melnick.

* Men...

I was so worried about you.

Don't you ever do that again.

Thanks for bringing him back.

No problem.

Jake, isn't there something you want to say?

Yeah.

I love you, Dr. Melnick.

* Men...

You've got school in the morning.

Hang on.

Night, Dad.

See ya, Alan.

Night, buddy.

(chuckling): Boy, he's really warming up to you.

Yeah. Listen.

Have you and Judith ever discussed putting Jake

on any sort of medication?

Why? What do you got?

No, no, we haven't.

Why?

Well, I mean, one minute he hates me,

the next minute he loves me,

and those kinds of mood swings just aren't normal.

Oh, no, no, no, don't worry about that.

That's not an emotional problem.

That's, uh, it's more like, um, uh, kind of...

Charlie?

We paid him to like you.

You what?

And it cost less than you might think.

But that's a good thing.

A bribable child is a controllable child.

Plus, he's not too bright so you can lie to him all you want.

Charlie. Oh, come on.

Until he was ten,

I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money.

Hey, hey, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks,

have you guys considered eloping to Vegas?

Hmm. No, we haven't...

Now, I know what you're thinking-- tacky, tacky,

but actually it isn't.

It's classy and very romantic.

Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls.

It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Huh.... I think actually

we're going to put things on hold for a while.

Why? You love Judith, don't you?

Of course; she's a great woman.

How's the sex?

That's a little personal, isn't it?

Hey, I didn't ask which way you point her.

I just want to make sure you two kids are compatible.

Oh. Well, there's no problem in that area.

See, Alan? It was you.

That's me,

the original one-pump chump.

So I hear.

The thing is, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather.

Oh, oh, sure you are.

You'll be terrific, right, Charlie?

Trust us, as long as there's food in the fridge

and money in your wallet, you'll own the little peckerhead.

Poor baby was exhausted.

He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Another plus: sound sleeper.

Yeah, nothing wakes that kid up.

And I've had some real screamers at my place.

It's getting late; I'd like to go to bed.

Why don't you do that.

Listen, fatherhood is no big deal.

Truth is, with the Internet and everything,

they practically raise themselves.

Alan.

You go ahead, honey, I'll be in in a second.

I don't know, I...

I just think I need some time to get used to the idea.

No, no, no, don't think about it.

Parenthood is like skydiving.

You just got to jump out of the ol' plane.

And get sucked into the ol' propeller.

A propeller of love.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

Why don't we go out and talk about this

over a couple of beers?

Oh, well, thanks.

I really enjoy spending time with you fellows,

but I don't really drink.

That's okay, neither do I.

Well, okay, sure.

I'll just tell Judith I'm leaving.

No, that's okay, I'll tell her.

Judith, we're leaving!

JUDITH: Good! Let's go.

* Men...

My first wife and I tried to have kids,

but it just didn't happen.

And then when she got sick and passed away,

I didn't think I'd ever have a family.

Oh, oh, that's so sad.

Yeah.

Who was shooting blanks, you or her?

Charlie, that doesn't matter.

What matters is he's starting fresh with Judith.

A live woman of proven fertility.

What good does that do if he's packing a starter's pistol?

I'm fine.

You hear that? He's fine.

Jake can have a little brother.

That would be a blessing from heaven, wouldn't it?

Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.

Then wear a condom.

Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.

If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

So, Herb, you haven't touched your beer.

Oh, well, like I said, I'm not much of a drinker.

Then we need a drinking game.

How about this:

each time Alan shoots me a dirty look, we all take a drink.

Oop! Here we go.

* Men...

You guys are great guys.

I love you guys.

You know why? 'Cause you're great.

You know, Herb, I wish more women

held their liquor the way you do.

Thank you.

I would like to propose a toast.

To Jake.

Ah, Jake's great.

And to Judith.

Absolutely. Judith's great, too.

And to your upcoming marriage.

Eh, sure. What the hell.

You know what I never had?

A second beer?

No, no, a bachelor party.

Me, neither, thanks to my brother.

Oop. Bottoms up.

Mm. Hey.

Why don't we make this your bachelor party?

You know, one last big blowout with your friends before you get married.

But my friends aren't here.

What about us? We're your friends.

We wish you well, right, Charlie?

Well.

Oh, come on, what do you say?

I don't know...

I mean, if this is a bachelor party...

wouldn't there be a couple of strippers?

Charlie?

I'm on it.

* Men...

(rock music playing)

He's going to make a great stepdad for Jake.

Yeah, whatever.

And with the alimony I save, I can go out to eat every night...

in restaurants.

And I'm not talking early bird special.

I can eat when it's dark out, with people my own age.

Hey, does your cell phone have video?

Yeah, why?

Observe.

What are you doing?

Just in case he decides to back out of the wedding.

That's blackmail. So?

I like it.

Hey, Herb!

Attaboy.

(softly): You dumb bastard.

(phone rings)

Uh-oh. It's Judith.

Why is she calling me at this hour?

Hello?

Of course it's me-- who were you expecting?

Oh, my God, this is Herb's phone.

Um, uh, Herb is in the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, we were just having a couple of beers

and getting to know each other.

Well, with all due respect, Judith,

before we got married, I didn't drink, either.

Hey, hey. There is no call for that kind of language.

What? I'm sorry, I-I can't hear you.

Yeah, I-I think this phone

is ...unning out of ...atteries.

I ...aid this ...one is ...unning out of ...atteries.

...ood-bye, ...udith.

Think she bought it?

If she did, she's ...upider than ...ou.

(softly): Excuse me, fellas.

(slurring): Can either of you cash a check for me?

Why?

I'd like to tip the ladies.

No, no, forget the tip.

We've got to get you home. (scoffs)

Why would I go home when for an extra 300 bucks,

I can go all around the world?

He's got a point, Alan.

Herb, listen to me.

Your fiancée is worried about you.

Oh, right.

Golly, she's gonna be pretty P.O.'d.

It's okay. She doesn't need to know.

That's right. She doesn't need to know.

Can I borrow $300?

ALAN: What are you doing?

Call it a wedding gift.

Are you crazy? I've got to get him home.

So take him home. What are you going to do?

I'm thinking maybe I'll go around the world.

God knows I've racked up enough frequent-flyer miles.

(snoring)

Herb?

Herb?!

Herb?

(sighs) Charlie, you're going to have

to help me take him home...

Charlie?

* Men...

You have a key?

No I don't have a key.

Maybe he's got a key.

You want to go through his pockets?

Not particularly.

Why don't we just leave him on the porch,

ring the bell, and run?

He's not a bag of flaming dog poo.

No, that was Judith's first husband.

Oop, dirty look-- where's my beer?

(sighs) All right, all right.

I'll go through his pockets.

(both grunt)

Oh, Judith.

What the hell is going on here?

* Men...

(sighs) Well, that was close.

No, it wasn't close.

Close is when you get away with it.

That was nowhere near close.

All right, all right, it doesn't matter.

He had a good time, he's going to marry Judith,

and I'm off the hook for alimony.

That's true.

Hey, Alan?

Yeah?

You did erase the video from his cell phone, right?

(chuckles) Oh, boy, it'd be really stupid if I didn't.

Yes, it would.

CHARLIE (over phone): Hey, Herb!

Attaboy! (softly): You dumb bastard.

Here you go. Thank you.

And you.

Okay, so that is one root beer...

one orange soda.