Original subtitles

♪ [ trumpet ]

Buckskins.

Durable, warm, practical, and easy to get.

In the West, if a man needed a new pair of pants,

he simply took his rifle and went shopping for the right size.

Quite a difference in style, wouldn't you say?

But for Martha Jane Canary,

this dress exemplified another world.

It played a vital part in...

[ chattering ]

[ gunshot ]Hey, all you mavericks, who's buying?

MAN: Calamity![ men whooping ]

How are you? Aw, Jerry, how's that wife of yours?[ laughing ]

And, Jimmy, when did they let you out?

Hands off.[ laughter ]

Now, Moose, come on. Give us some of that good stuff.

I'm booted and spurred and dry as a cactus.

Gents, in honor of the Saddle Horn's favorite lady,

Miss Calamity Jane,

drinks are on the house!

[ chattering ]

Nobody gonna steal your thunder, Calamity.

Except one, maybe.

What is it, a circus?

Don't you know who that is?

I'll buy it if you'll feed it.

BARTENDER: That's Wild Bill Hickok.

Excuse me.

Hey, Moose, I want another drink.

Hey, did you ever hear about the time when Barney Mael and I

locked horns over in Tombstone?

Yes, sir. And the usual, Mr. Hickok,

steak and eggs, medium rare?

Right away, sir. [ Calamity Jane speaking, faint ]

[ Calamity Jane laughing ]

Well, you never saw such a...

Calamity.

Excuse me, Bill.

And I got him right in the breadbasket with the barrel of my rifle.

Aw, you never heard such hollering-- Ge--

[ grunts ]Stop pawing me.

Charlie! Colorado Charlie Utter!

You old bulldog, you.

How are ya?

I was okay a minute ago.

Oh, I'm catchy about being strange-handed.

I know. I forgot.

What you doing here in Custer?

Well, I'm with Hickok.

With that ball of fluff?

What do you do, sing him to sleep every night?

No. I'm kind of his straw boss.

You know, I look after his business.

Business?

What kind of business does he have?

We're going back East this winter to get up a show.

You know, trick shooting, fancy riding exhibitions.

Um, what's his specialty, uh, looking pretty?

Don't you kid yourself, Calamity.

Bill is quite a man.

Everything they say about him is true.

About having that fight with a grizzly bear and winning?

And putting down the whole McCanles gang all by himself?

All true.

Him? The one with all them curls?

Calamity, let me tell you, when he was marshal of Abilene,

he face more gunsels in a week

than most badges face in a lifetime.

He's a living legend.

They're gonna be writing about him one day.

Wild Bill Hickok.

That name's gonna be up there with Buffalo Bill and Custer.

With all of them.

Well, you're something of a celebrity yourself, Calamity.

Charlie, you're always joshing.

Come on. Let me buy you a drink.

I'm gonna sit in for a couple of hands, Charlie.

Bill-- Bill, I'd like you to meet Calamity Jane.

How do you do, Miss Calamity?

Charlie.

I'll be right there, Bill.

I always stick around when he plays poker.

Double-dealing could get somebody killed.

Like I said, Calamity, he's quite a man.

Your mouth's open, Calamity.

Mighty fine-looking saddle you got there.

Morning, Calamity. Yeah. That's Wild Bill's.

How long you folks plan on staying in Custer?

About a week.

Waste of time.

This prairie hole is just-- just color in the pan.

Now, you take Deadwood, for example.

Things are going on in Deadwood, only 50 miles from here,

and all them fancy magazine writers

are writing about it all the time.

Oh, there's always one of 'em around.

Yeah, I read a couple of pieces by Buntline about Deadwood.

Well, it appears to me if a fella wanted to hawk his own wares,

well, Deadwood would be the place.

You might have something there, Calamity.

[ birds screeching ]

Vultures!

If there's anything in this world I can't stomach,

it's them sneaky, beady-eyed buzzards.

[ bird thuds on ground ]

You got him with one shot.

Oh, I miss once in a while, but not that you'd notice.

Wait a minute.

Well, sure. Why, it's perfect.

You could be that added attraction we need.

Oh, I don't reckon I could.

I don't cotton to them fancy duds like your Mr. Hickok.

No. No fancy duds, Calamity. Just the way you are.

Calamity Jane, the Queen of the Prairie.

That's what the people would want to see.

You reckon?

Yeah. What an entrance we could make into Deadwood.

"Wild Bill Hickok and Calamity Jane."

Bet they'd line up to see that like hungry steer.

The left stock is loose. Tighten it.

I don't know, Charlie. I don't think I like the idea.

But it's a natural, Bill. Everybody knows Calamity Jane.

She'd be a big asset to the troop.

No other group has had a woman in it.

If we ever add a woman,

I'd like her to at least look like a woman.

But that one?

She's dirty, cusses like a man,

drinks like a fish, picks fights.

[ scoffs ] She's trouble, Charlie.

I can handle her, Bill.I don't think so.

Now, Bill, we made a deal. It's my job to build up

some excitement to make a name.

Now, if we're gonna have our own show next year, we've got to be known,

and Calamity can help us do just that.

You missed that one. [ gunshot ]

Throw up a silver dollar, I'll give you four bits change.

All right, Charlie.

We'll give it a try.

We'll get along, Calamity, if you just heed some simple rules.

What kind of rules?

No trouble. That's for openers.

And, uh, keep your drinking down to a respectable level.

His foreleg seems stiff again.

Better rub it down.

Another thing.

Our people bathe.

Now, wait a minute, mister--

You want out?

[ whinnying ]

Which horse is yours?

That bay right in front of you.

Get her a decent mount, Charlie.Right.

Any questions?

I might think of some later.

We ride out for Deadwood at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

Now, I expect you to be one-- on time,

two-- sober,

and three-- clean.

How about if I get two out of three?

She'll be there, Bill. I'll see to it.

Yahoo! Yahoo!

[ shouting ]

Howdy, folks! Howdy!

What a show you're gonna see!

Yahoo! Wow-wee!

Hi there!

Yahoo! Here we are! [ shouting ]

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Whoo! How do you do there, sir?

You've gotta come and see our show.

Yeah, we're gonna tear this town apart!

Hi, there! Here we are! Hello!

I have never seen such a display of crude exhibitionism.

So I "hoorayed" it up a little bit. What's the matter with that?

What'd you expect me to do, sit up there, ride sidesaddle,

and wave my lily-white hand like some slicked-up queen?

You're supposed to be a woman.

Well, I never had any trouble proving that I was before.

Well, why don't you just try proving you're a lady?

♪♪ [ piano ][ chattering ]

Come on, Calamity. Liven up.

You ain't shot out a mirror since you got here.

[ laughter ]

Aw, cut it out, fellas.

Can't a gal act a little ladylike once in a while?

"Gal"?

Aw, go on, now, Calamity.

Is, uh, there really a no-fooling gal, uh,

under that buckskin?

Keep your hands to yourself, Makroff.

You, uh, dusting us off, Calam?

Is there anything wrong in wanting to have a little drink in peace?

You ain't no high lonesome honey.

You and me--

we used to be real friendly.

Remember?

I warned ya.

Why, you grimy sage hen.

♪♪ [ piano stops ]

Ain't but one man ever hit me and lived.

And after what I did to him, he wished he was dead.

HICKOK: Hold it right there.

Get on back to the hotel, Calamity.

Nobody hits me and gets away with it.

You hit her?

Well, she had it coming.

[ grunts ]

I told you to get back to the hotel.

Might as well now.

I'm sorry about this, gentlemen.

We tried it, and it didn't pan out.

Now, I don't want her with us.

But it wasn't her fault, Bill. Now, I checked.

That Makroff wouldn't let her alone.

My mind is made up.

[ knocking on door ]

I'll get it.

Oh.

I'd like to have a word with you, Bill.

I got a couple things to check on the show, Bill.

I'll see you later.

Sit down.

No. I think better on my feet.

I wanted to talk to you about last night.

You broke a rule, Calamity.

One of the most important rules.

That card-twirler asked for it.

That filthy four-flusher figured he could make sport out of me.

Why, Calamity?

What made you the way you are?

You're a mockery to your own sex.

Look at ya. You're hard, callous, stubborn,

full of contempt for anything and everybody, including yourself.

Especially yourself. Why?

Well, I know why you're the way you are.

You're just like all the rest of them.

You think just 'cause you wear pants, that you're superior.

I found that out when I was a little girl in Missouri,

and I made my mind up that I was just as good as anything in pants.

Maybe even better.

Men! I've always hated them.

Then why do you try to be one?

[ chattering ]

Whiskey.

And don't take all day.

Now, settle down, Calam.

Who does he think he is?

Now, don't blame Bill, Calamity.

He likes his women soft.

Real ladies with starched crinolines

and sweet voices.

He's a gentleman.

Well, if he thinks he can come prancing in

and start ordering me around, he's got another thing coming.

You know what's wrong with you, Calam?

You're falling in love with him.

Me?

Oh... [ laughing ]

With that peacock on a white horse?

Oh, Charlie, that's a good one.

Have a drink on me. [ laughing continues ]

[ chuckling ]

[ clears throat ]

I'd like a closer look at that fancy dress.

The one in the window.

For you?

No. I want it for my lop-eared aunt!

[ in ladylike voice ] Yes. For me.

Hickok, you wouldn't believe what I just saw.

She got herself one of those frilly dresses and a pair of high heels, and,

well, she looks a mess.

Who?Calamity. I just saw her.

Well, why would she do that?I don't know.

It might have been something I said to her.

But we gotta talk her out of it, Bill.

People want to see the real Calamity Jane

toting a gun on her hip, not a lumpy rag doll.

You gotta do something, Bill.

What do you expect me to do about it?

Well, it's your fault just as much as it is mine.

She's in love with you.Calamity?

In love? With me?

She sure is, Bill.

Now, you've gotta talk to her.

Make her understand. Tell her... [ door opens ]

Thought it was customary for gentlemen to stand up

when a lady came in.

You look, uh, quite amazing, Calamity.

I haven't had a dress on in so long.

Not since I left Missouri. I was 11 years old.

How do I look, Bill?

Well, I'm still kind of taken back by the change.

I guess I got used to seeing you in buckskins.

W-Well, I ain't quite used to the shoes yet,

but I'm gonna practice on them a little.

This lip rouge sure tastes funny.

I never had it on before.

Yeah, I was just thinking, too, Calam.

I think I like you a lot better in buckskins myself.

You know, a little dirt on you, maybe, here and there.

Oh, who asked you?

You know, this dress cost $15.

Isn't it pretty?

It's pretty.

But a dress is, uh, just a piece of cloth, Calamity.

It can't work miracles.

Sometimes we can't change

what we are, Calamity.

Well, a team of matched horses,

a big house on a hill,

or a dress.

It takes more than just those things

to change what we are inside.

But I thought you said this morning that--

I know, I know. Maybe I was wrong.

You see, we all belong someplace.

I guess that's the most important thing in life--

finding out where we belong, where we fit.

[ sighs ]

You think I look ridiculous, don't you?

I'd probably look the same way

in one of those fancy banker outfits.[ laughing ]

Can you picture me in one of those long-tailed coats

and a stovepipe hat? [ laughing ]

Stop your laughing.

If you laugh at me once more, I'll split your head with an ax!

And you!

You fancied-up rooster,

strutting around with all your spit and polish.

You know what you are?

All you are is a pair of pants!

That did it, Bill. Thanks.

I didn't do it for you.

I did it for her.

I didn't wanna see her dragging her heart around

at the end of a petticoat.

She has feelings,

even though she tries to hide them.

[ poker chips clinking ]

Mind if I sit in?Sure. Sit in.

I wonder if you'd mind letting Mr. Hickok have that seat.

But I'm winning.

Might change my luck if I move.

It's quite all right. I'll sit here.

Yeah, but, Bill, you never s--

Oh, it's all right.

You better go look after her, Charlie.

Oh, and, Dick,

I'd appreciate it you'd get me some cigars.

Loco.

That's what I am.

Mm, just plain out-and-out loco.

But I'll show 'em.

I'll show that full-of-himself hunk of lard.

I'll show him what a real woman is.

You bet your life, I'll show him.

He's gonna see.

[ gunshot ]

MAN: It's Hickok! Jack McCall shot him!

[ gasps, screams ]

[ crying ]

Watch it.

Come on, Calamity.

Come on.

Come on.

He never had a chance, Calamity.

Back was to the door.

All right, clear it out there.

What are you gawking at, you dirty ditch diggers?

Ain't you never seen a dead man before?

Let's get a little life in this place!

Start pouring, and keep them coming.

Come on! Don't gather around.

All you nellie-skinned mud tails, drink up.

All right. Come on.How about a drink down here, bartender?

[ chattering ]

Remember the funeral they gave for old Ben Hatton?

That was a real fandango, wasn't it?

Come on, boys! Bend them elbows! Come on.

We're gonna make that Hatton planting party look like a church social!

Did you hear? Come on! Drown those craws of yours

in that scamper juice, you old crowbaits!

We're just getting started.

Hear me?

We're just getting started!

On August 2nd, 1903,

Martha Jane Canary died in Terry, Montana,

a short distance from Deadwood.

Ironically, it was exactly the 27th anniversary

of Wild Bill's death.

At her request, she was buried next to him

in the Mount Moriah Cemetery.

Next week, another true story of the old West.

See you then.