Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan.

- And I'm Jacob Lawrence Wysocki.

It's our third time, and he's got three names,

so I have to have three names, too.

- Lawrence. I'm shocked.

- You didn't know? - I didn't know.

- Now they know.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today, we're giving these comedians

a total transformation.

- Oh, yeah.

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

(Jacob laughs)

This is "Very Important People".

- Oh my God.

- Brennan, I'm scared.

- I'm scared.

(upbeat music)

- Oh no.

- Now, that is- - [Jacob] Oh no.

- Now, that is tough.

(Jacob laughs) - (laughs) Now, that is-

- You look crazy.

- I hate what I look like.

- I am so happy I don't look like you. (laughs)

That's gross. You got a poo-poo in the diaper.

- [Brennan] I'm riding low.

What's up, man? - [Jacob] What's up? Hey.

What's up, Avery Middle School?

Who's here to learn a little bit about puberty?

- We are adult British men.

- Yes, we're actually just waiting for the bus.

- Hey, where can a guy get some breast milk around here?

- Welcome to the baby dimension.

May I suck on it?

- Yes. Get in there.

Oh, there you go.

(crew laughing)

(upbeat jazzy music)

- We all have a story to tell,

and sometimes those stories need

to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People".

Please, introduce yourself.

- All rise for my formal announcement, please.

Me and my brother are up for adoption.

- Okay.

- Hello. - Hi.

- I'm Archimedes.

- And I'm Ollie.

(groovy percussive music)

- Ollie, Archimedes, thank you so much

for joining us on the show today.

Please take a seat.

- Splendid.

- Maybe Ollie, why don't you come right here,

and Archimedes, we'll have you a little,

a little further away over here.

Wow, okay, and so he did sort of pick the one closer to me.

I love that. I love that.

We sort of heard one, one child was coming on the program,

and so we sort of got-

- Double trouble, I'm afraid.

- [Vic] And that was my- - Twice the heart.

- My exact thought, and so you are genetically related?

- Yes, we're identical twins.

- Wow. The resemblance is just absolutely sensational.

So you two are looking to be adopted?

- Yes. We're looking for a perfect family.

- As you can see, we childproofed the set today.

I did it myself,

because everybody else was taking a lunch break,

and so I said, you stay there, you keep eating your lunch,

and I will babyproof the set.

- Thank you so much.

- You're welcome, Ollie.

- In many ways, we're all on our own.

- What do you mean by that?

- Consciousness.

We're born into this world trapped in our own minds,

and we die alone.

Do you know anyone who wants to be our mother?

- Well, you know, you two are here today to find that out,

and I am sure that we can find a viewer out there

that is very happy to welcome one of you into their home.

- What are your average numbers on the program?

- I'm sorry? - (shouting) Your ratings!

- Careful. Enjoy it. - Sorry.

- Enjoy it. Good.

- May I ask, how old are you two?

- Babies.

- Babies. I see.

I see and I understand.

You two are looking to be adopted.

It seems like you're doing all right on your own.

What is the impetus to be adopted?

- Ollie wishes to know the touch of a mother's caress.

I have a quality to my skin

where it bears the temperature of a not too fresh cadaver,

and so I don't expect that even the most stouthearted woman

would be able to touch me and do anything other than recoil.

- I like to think of him as an ever cool pillow.

- What a charming way to think about that.

I love your sunny disposition.

I am gonna say this right here.

I think that we are gonna get you a home

by the end of this episode.

How do we feel about that?

- Oh, we've heard it many times before.

(crew member sneezes) - Ah, what's happened?

- Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

Deep breath. You're okay. - Ah, what's happened?

- Deep breath. It's okay. - Ah!

- And we are. And we're. - Ah!

- And we're totally. Hey.

? Hush now ?

? Shut your mouth ?

? Be so quiet ?

? And then it'll be all right ?

I have a stepdaughter, and that's what I sing to her

when she gets nervous.

- Don't stop.

- ? Okay ?

? Don't you cry little baby ?

? Sha-sha-sha-sha ?

? Qua-qua-qua-qua ? ? Sha-sha-sha-sha ?

? Ya-ya-ya-ya ? ? Qua-qua-qua-qua ?

? Be-be-be-ba ? ? Ya-ya-ya-ya ?

- Okay, that was really lovely.

(Ollie giggles)

- It's happening for you.

- It's going to happen for us.

If it happens for me, it happens for you.

- So you two sort of go as a bonded pair?

- Oh, you wouldn't split up a cat in the litter, would you?

You wouldn't split up a puppy.

- I think sort of famously, puppies do go to separate homes.

- Oh.

- You got a little something.

- I got spittles?

- [Vic] A little spit. - Help me, please.

- I love to be helpful.

- [Ollie] I'm not too dextrous yet.

- Because to help somebody else is to help the entire world.

Okay, so just-

- Fine motor skills come later.

- Fine motor skills come later?

That's just sort of a fact. I love that.

I love that one. - I don't even really know

if my face is here or not,

'cause I can't see it.

- You have a lovely face, Ollie.

- I like your face. It's a face.

- It's not as good as yours.

- Don't say it like that.

- No, there's something hideous about me.

- [Ollie] No, reframe that thought.

- No.

- You're great. You're lovable.

- Okay, well, you know, you two have been so patient,

such patient, such patient little guys,

so here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna bring in a little snack

for you two, and some toys.

- Zoom in on me, like from "The Office",

like I'm Jim from "The Office".

- Have you seen "The Office"?

- [Twins] Snack time!

- I'm just, I'm shocked by how-

(toys squeaking) Oh, good.

So that was mine as a child. - Thank you.

Then I thought I'd bring that in for you,

but look it, even cuter and-

- Bang!

Bang, bang, bang! (ceramic shattering)

- Does the child's body speak

even without her vocal chords? (toy softly crying)

- So my mom recorded that voice.

- Archie, what have you done? - [Vic] If you just sorta-

- False baby!

- And my mother hand painted this,

sort of what we have here. - Archie!

- There it is. That's the voice.

It's just a little box, not a real baby.

- Okay.

- [Ollie] Well, I'm glad you've gotten

to the bottom of it. - And I love that.

I love that. I think this is fantastic.

- I accidentally broke this cup.

- Hey, oh, and that's sharp, so we're gonna get that

away from you, actually. - Bang, bang!

- Okay, okay, okay,

and that's so sharp. - It's a really,

really fragile cup.

- And don't worry, I got this,

'cause if I get hurt, that's fine,

and if you guys get hurt,

I'd never be able to forgive myself.

- Are you mad at me?

I hadn't known! - You mustn't be mad!

- [Ollie] I hadn't known! - No, I didn't say that.

- I was just playing. - No, we're just playing,

and look, okay, how about some of these other toys, right?

Oh, oh. - Vic.

- Yes? - Ollie has to be stronger

than an adult man,

because where we come from, there are no parents.

We come from a dimension of only babies.

- What do you mean?

- We're cosmonauts, Ollie and I. (curious music)

- We've traveled quite far to find love.

- And you came here? To my show,

'cause you knew I could help.

- Well, we found a satellite floating in the cosmos

with a golden disc on it.

It had instructions on where to find a planet.

- An Earth family is our last and greatest hope.

- So you're not looking to take over the world or anything?

You literally just wanna be a part of a family?

- Doesn't every parent want their child

to take over the world?

- I'm sorry. No, hey, come on.

- Ollie. Ollie. - Come on. Hey.

- You unhand my brother! - Okay, okay! And we're fine!

We're fine!

- Calm down.

- Why don't we just

eat some snacks? - ? Snack time ?

(mellow music)

- This one's beef jerky and a cigarette.

- Oh, right. Yes.

- Sorry, that's yours.

- This is mine, if you don't mind.

- Could you insert it into my mouth?

- Yep. Okay. (lighter flicks)

Say ah.

(deranged shriek)

- Try it a little bit quieter.

- All right. (spits)

Round two.

(Archimedes choking)

- You've got to swallow.

You've got to swallow.

- Maybe that's enough snack for you.

- The warm touch of a mother's love.

- [Vic] Oh no, no.

I'm not a parent.

We're gonna find you someone, but it wasn't me.

Speaking of trying to find a forever parent for you,

we have a couple of questions from kids in the area,

so that way, people watching

can get to know you two a little better.

(mellow music)

Ollie, first question for you.

- Yes, hello. Ollie here.

- This is from Dean, aged six, and he wants to know,

if you could make one wish that would absolutely come true,

what would it be?

- I'd like my mom to be perfect and pretty

and love us both perfectly and prettily.

- So sweet. - And then maybe

I could have like an interesting turtle friend

or some other type of interesting reptile,

and we could get to know each other

and have a good time having fun!

- So I think that answers that question.

Archimedes, this is from Ryan, aged 12, and he wants to know

if you've got a favorite professional sports team.

- Why does Ryan want to know that?

What is he planning?

- I don't think he's planning anything.

I think it's just so that way, you know,

people can get to know you a little bit better.

Are you a soccer guy?

- Tell Ryan if he wants to know my favorite sports team,

he knows where to find me.

- Just try and give it a little something.

(Archimedes sighs)

Give, just say soccer or something.

- My favorite soccer team

is the England Bulldogs.

- Good, see? Right, normal.

- The England Bulldogs. - Good job.

- I love that. What league do they play in?

- Help me. - [Vic] Okay.

I have one last question from Rhodes, age eight.

- Like the scholar?

- Like the scholar, yes. Are you familiar?

- I have a list of all of them and where they live.

- You specifically have Rhodes Scholars names and addresses?

- I want them to know that I'm onto them.

- Right. - I'm coming for you,

Rhodes Scholars.

- [Ollie] Okay. - I'm coming for you,

Bill Clinton. - Okay.

- He is your world's leader, yes?

- No. - What does Rhodes have

to say to me?

- Rhodes wants to know what your favorite piece of media is,

either music or movie or literature.

- My favorite media is Rachmaninoff.

- What is that?

- A composer, you twit.

- [Ollie] I wouldn't- - [Archimedes] A composer.

- Hey, apologize. - You absolute twit.

- Apologize.

- I'm sorry, you... - [Ollie] Thank you.

See, we have the ability to learn from our mistakes.

- I accept your apology.

- Why don't you simply direct the rest

of these questions at Ollie?

You know as well as I, no one's going to call for me.

- Hey, you don't know that-

- You don't know that, Archie. - For a fact.

- I'm not going anywhere without you.

- Okay, Archie, you go by Archie sometimes?

- My brother Ollie calls me Archie,

because Ollie saved my life

from the solar flares of a neutron star.

If you call me Archie again,

the tongue that said it will be pinned to the wall.

- We're gonna move on to the next segment.

- That was quite a fucked up thing to say there.

- I'm sorry, Ollie. - It's all right,

you're being yourself.

- We're gonna move on to something

that is gonna help you two get adopted,

'cause that's why we're here today, to get you two adopted.

Okay, so just, and that's sort of, okay.

And I would offer you some water,

but my glass is in a mosaic amount of pieces.

- Do you have maybe a baba?

- Baba? - I need my baba.

- Yeah, baba. - No, not that baba.

It's a different baba. - What kind of baba?

- My brother's favorite baba is cucumber melon flavored.

- Like a vape? - My baba.

- Okay, and there is a vape.

- My baba!

- I can't give this to you.

- Is this vanilla ice?

'Cause I am a bit of a, Jim Halpert zoom,

iceman.

- No, you can't call for camera shots.

- Did you get it when I said it?

'Cause it'll play funny. - [Archimedes] He's so good.

- It'll play funnier when I-

- This is a tobacco product,

and I cannot, in good conscience, give it to you.

- I want my baba!

- Well, you don't get it.

- Give it to me! - [Vic] I won't,

so this is going in the fountain.

That is unfortunate about how that is-

- What the hell? - But sometimes

you gotta set boundaries,

and you gotta have very clear boundaries with people.

- What the hell?

- And so we're setting the boundaries,

and the boundary is you can't, and no.

- I don't like this rules.

- Hey, well, it's the rule-

- [Ollie] I don't like these rules

and I don't like how you handle the rules.

- And it's my set, so we're sort of,

we're taking back the power,

and I'm reclaiming my time, okay?

So this is my. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. - Oh no!

Archie! - [Vic] Hello?

Hello? - [Ollie] Archie!

- Okay, he's not drowned. Come here.

Okay. - [Ollie] He made it.

One, two, three, four, five, six-

(Archimedes screams)

- Okay. Hi.

Hey, there we go.

(Archimedes retching) There we go. Okay.

Saved his life.

Let's get you two back in the chairs, actually.

We got another segment for ya.

With wanting to get adopted- - I tried to get your baba

that the witch threw in the fountain.

- Is it gone? You couldn't find it?

- Hey, nope, no.

And we're gonna go ahead and we're gonna take a seat.

- I want my baba.

- I don't wanna be on "Nightly News",

and so, sort of, we all have to deal with what we got.

- Gosh. It's so hard being a

iceman. - [Vic] Don't.

And you don't listen to the child,

because I've set a clear boundary

on who's allowed to do that. - Do the Jim Halpert to me.

- No, we're not doing any Jim Halpert.

- I'm going to kill Roy

and bed Pam Beesly- - [Vic] We can't use that.

We can't use that. - If it's the last thing I do.

- [Vic] We can't use that.

And here we go. And here we go up.

(Archimedes giggling) - Wait, could you-

- So if anybody's gonna get a Jim Halpert

sort of shrug, it's me.

- That was very good. Very funny.

- Do you think?

- [Ollie] Very funny. - You thought that was funny?

- My god.

- Really good.

- The thing behind your eyes

that desires approval is absolutely disgusting.

- [Vic] All right, my beautiful boys,

it is time for rapid fire questions.

- Yay.

(mellow music)

- What is the biggest difference between the two of you?

- Bad.

- Good.

- That you're bad and you're good?

Does that cause problems between you two?

- No. - Not at all. No.

It's ying and yang.

- Hesitation.

Why did you hesitate? - I didn't.

- [Vic] There was a moment of hesitation.

You said it doesn't, and then you said it doesn't.

- It doesn't.

- It doesn't, and it's yin and yang, dear brother.

- What did I say?

- You said ying, like the Ying Yang Twins.

Skeet-skeet-skeet, motherfucker.

- Okay, well, when you get parents,

we're gonna talk to them about your language.

Okay, are you religious?

- In the way that we all are.

Our actions are our worship

and our gods are nameless. - No.

Whatever the house wants.

- What? - Whatever the house

that we're going to would like us to be.

- We have a devout faith

in whatever our prospective parents already believe in.

- Very good. Very nice. - Like a non-answer,

but I will let it pass- - Sorry about that one.

- [Vic] Cause you're children. - It's okay.

- Final question,

which I ask each and every one of my guests.

What is the meaning of life?

- For me, I think the meaning of love.

- Life.

(Ollie chuckles)

- The meaning of love.

- I slipped up, but I did say what I meant at the end of it.

- Right, well then, what's your answer?

- I'll never be able to say something

as profound as my brother.

My desire for my words to have sterile, clinical,

literal meanings is sort of a wall

that prevents me from venturing close to people.

Sometimes I think the most direct route

to another's heart is through nonsense,

and nonsense has always eluded me.

- Well, to you then, what is the direct,

literal meaning of life?

- I hope, before I am dead,

and my atoms are collected back into the neutron star

at the center of the baby dimension,

that I will discover why the love that I have

for my brother was not enough for him to feel whole,

when that love is all that sustains me

and all that I think I will ever have.

- I think what he meant to say was,

we like to haves fun and get tickles.

- Okay.

- [Ollie] Right? - Fun and tickles!

- Fun and tickles, right? (Archimedes shouts)

- Okay. Okay. (Ollie laughs)

(glass shattering)

Ha, let's move on. We're gonna move on.

I think maybe it's time to go inward,

and how are we gonna do that?

With our dice of emotion.

(mellow music)

The first one has an action, the second one has an emotion,

so we're gonna use this

to facilitate a conversation between the two of us.

Make sure that we are on the same page.

That way we can get adopted together, all right?

- [Archimedes] I'll do it first.

- [Vic] Okay, so kinda- - Oh, I can't...

Can you get that? - Kinda off camera.

Yep, and I'm gonna go ahead and grab that.

No!

No!

Get back!

No, no. Sit and stay.

Sit! I swear, and stay, and there we go.

- My brother's gonna hit that fucking vape, or I'll be dead.

- Well, then get busy dying, all right?

Don't worry. Cut that part.

Cut that part. - Don't cut it.

I don't want any of this cut.

I want this raw and unedited.

- I used to be just like you two.

I used to be so controlling.

- You did not used to be just like me.

- What do you mean? - I mean, be real.

You were just like me? - I was just like you.

I was very academic, I was really smart,

everybody said I was the smartest person that they knew,

and sometimes when you're the smartest person in the room,

it's hard to go, "huh, maybe I need to change a little bit."

Does that sound familiar?

- Damn.

- No.

No, that came off maybe. No.

I just mean, no, 'cause you're a baby,

and I just wanna, hey.

Okay, so let's go ahead-

- Why didn't you complete the touch to my knee?

It would've been so reassuring.

- I did.

- [Archimedes] No. - You want me to do it again?

- Yes, please.

A glide, closer than the last time,

but still about one and one half inches away

from skin contact. - Here we go.

Boop-boop-boop-boop.

- This is torture. - Are you afraid to-

Oh. - Ah.

- And there we go.

And there we go, so I'm just saying let's be open

to a new experience and learning something about each other.

(Ollie burps)

Are you okay?

- He'll stop doing it if you give him his baba.

- [Vic] And I won't.

You can take some milk. You can have some coffee.

I think kids love coffee. Keeps the energy up.

I watched one episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras".

Okay, so we can go ahead and do that.

So, Amadeus?

- Oh my god.

- Archimedes. - Really?

Are you serious?

- Archimedes, if you could go ahead-

- No.

You want me to brush past it?

I can't. It's my brother.

- Well, and it was an accident, okay?

- We've been here for 40 minutes.

- I can't believe they don't know Rachmaninoff,

but Amadeus is in the chamber.

(Jacob and Vic laugh)

(mellow music) (beep)

- Okay, here we go, everyone.

We have: apologize,

open-mindedly.

- [Archimedes] Great. - Okay, so Archimedes.

- Yeah. - If you can go ahead

and apologize open-mindedly to Ollie.

- Open-mindedly means that all options are possible.

In order to apologize, one needs certainty

about the thing they are regretful over.

To apologize open-mindedly is the action of a madman!

So maybe I'm sorry.

- Ollie, how did that feel? - (whispering) Just try it.

- Okay, I'll try it. - (whispering) Just try it.

- Ollie, I'm sorry that I'm so sinister

that I've ruined any chance at joy in your life.

- No, I've got plenty of joy.

Apology accepted, but mostly unnecessary.

- Did we see that? I did that.

That was beautiful.

So Ollie, why don't you go ahead and give the dice a roll?

So apologize again. (laughs)

- You can't argue with the dice.

- So we once again got apologize open-mindedly.

(crew laughing)

(mellow music) (beep)

- I'd like to apologize in advance.

- What? - For what I'm about to say,

'cause I've never said it before.

You're quite tough, brother,

and I'd be willing to get adopted without you,

because I hunger for the touch of a woman who's my mother,

and I'm trying to keep you on the rails,

but I also feel like I'm keeping you from being yourself,

and I need to be myself, and I need love,

and I'll

toss you aside to get it.

- Well, well, well.

- Push, push, push.

- Yes, push in on my brother, cameraman.

(breathy sobs)

Push in on him. - [Ollie] I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- Keep your tears to yourself, traitor.

Yes, you've finally shown yourself more snake than baby.

You viper.

You understand.

You understand all too well.

Love, a tender feeling of the heart,

but from whence the suppleness of tender sentiment

that arises in the body seeking softness,

but that softness can only dwell

where it is matched by a softness of the heart.

Some of us are born cold inside,

and no mother's love would make us feel anything.

Only in dreams, tender sleep.

- [Vic] Nope. Nope.

- [Archimedes] Tender sleep. - Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Drop him. Drop him. - Just a little bit.

Let me go a little bit, no. - [Vic] Drop him. No.

I hate to do this. It's gonna be a timeout.

(Ollie gasps) - You wouldn't dare!

- And it's gonna be a timeout.

- Brother. - Don't do it.

- They're coming between us.

- [Ollie] No! - It's a timeout.

- They are a usurper.

- I'm sorry! - [Vic] Okay,

and it's gonna be a timeout. - Do it! Put him in timeout!

- And we're going in the timeout.

- I can't believe I said it, just do it!

- I'm going to die in here!

- [Vic] You're not gonna die.

You're gonna be here in here for two minutes

and we're gonna set the timer. - I feel as if

I've already killed you.

- [Vic] And I read a parenting book

when Bianca was going through a little bit

of sort of a rebellious phase at 28,

and I feel like I just sort of,

I know that you just need some time to yourself, okay?

So that's what we're gonna do. So there we go.

- I'll find out what your bones look like.

- [Vic] So, hey, here we go.

Jesus Christ. Okay, so-

- Let me have it, please!

I've done the most fucked up- - [Vic] You are in trouble.

- Thing I've ever done in my life!

- Okay, so we're gonna put this somewhere safe,

so close your eyes. - Ugh.

- Okay, and you can open.

- Am I bad?

- [Vic] I don't think it's bad to want love.

Could you have handled it better?

And can you replace family?

No. It's really hard to replace family.

Trust me, I've tried, and it is difficult.

- Okay. - And can I be

honest with you? - [Ollie] Right.

- Can I be vulnerable with you?

- I'd like that.

- You seem better than your brother when you're together.

- Right. - [Vic] And with it

just sort of being you and me sitting right here,

I'm sort of seeing maybe the edges.

- What do you mean?

- I know that it seems like, between the two of you,

you're the better option,

but sort of between the rest of the world,

you two are both bad options.

- Oh.

Like I'm the second dirtiest penny in the pond?

- Okay, so it seems like you do understand.

What a beautiful metaphor.

- Oh, that's quite treacherous.

- Well, we can go ahead and see if anybody's on the phone,

and I'm getting a big head shake

from sort of everybody there.

There is nobody on the phone looking to-

- Fly! (fly buzzing)

- Okay, and so- - A fly!

- You know what, I think maybe we go find your brother

and we apologize, 'cause I think you two need each other,

and as much as (fabric ripping)

the love of a mother is nice,

sometimes even if you have a mother, you don't get her love.

- Thank you.

- And so if you have somebody that loves you,

you kind of gotta hold onto them,

'cause it's kind of cold out here.

- It's awful.

I thought he was bad, but I'm bad.

- What you did was colder than his cadaver ice cold skin,

but it's not too late. - Brother!

- You go apologize to him - Brother!

- for real this time.

Okay, and so we just. And it's fine.

(dark eerie music)

(Ollie gasping)

- Who's this man?

- [Archimedes] How hard is it to get a

fucking mommy around here?

Am I right?

(upbeat music) - I'm Vic Michaelis,

reminding you to be true to yourself,

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Goodnight.

- I'm sorry for what I've said.

- Never apologize.

You are perfect.

You are my ideal form. (Vic exhales and coughs)

You could never do anything wrong.

But if you ever speak crossly to me again,

I'm gonna pull your head off

just like I did that fucking bear.

- My mom bought me that

when I was in the hospital for six months.

- Back to the baby dimension!

(portal blip)

(upbeat jazzy music)

(lively rock music)

- Shh.

Whoa. Did you just litter that?

That's a misdemeanor crime in the state of California.

You're on a hidden camera show. It's a prank.

It's a prank.

You got Chomp'd!

You got Chomp'd!

Johnny, you got Chomp'd!

Johnny! (laughs) (beep)

Hello. Good morning.

How are you?

So, heard you are chit-chatting

about wanting to have sexual relations with someone.

Who is it? Who is it?

Tell me.

You're on hidden camera show.

You got Chomp'd!

(Vic chortling)

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