Original subtitles

Previously, on...

I'm asking you to marry me.

We might as well just go to Vegas and elope.

If we're gonna have a family,

we'll need to turn the second bedroom into a nursery.

But that's where Jake stays.

Yeah, but once Alan moves out,

then Jake won't be staying there anymore, right?

Alan's moving out?

Of course he is.

Isn't he?

I said the wedding's off.

Can I borrow your wedding ring? What for?

Well, I thought, as long as we're in Vegas,

I'd marry Kandi.

(laughing)

MAN: I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

I don't freakin' believe it.

Cheer up, Charlie.

You're finally getting what you always wanted--

I'm moving out of your house!

I don't freakin' believe it!

Do we have time to play roulette before we go?

Oh, honey, that is a sucker's game.

The odds are totally stacked against y...

Ooh, Super Slots O'Fun Jackpot.

Sure, make the smart bet.

Here, honey.

Kiss it before I put it in.

And the honeymoon begins.

Slots O'Fun-- you get it?

It's Slots O'Fun.

I'm ready for a refill.

Is that good?

(bells ringing)

I won.

(laughing)

I won a half a million dollars!

(screaming)

(both laughing)

I don't freakin' believe it.

Alan, you're rich!

We're rich!

We're married now-- what's mine is yours.

Really?

And the honeymoon ends.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men.*

Uh, excuse me.

Do you know where Charlie is?

Who's Charlie?

(knocking at door)

Charlie?

You in here?

(laughing): Hey, Alan.

Long time, no see.

Say hello to my brother Alan.

Hi, Alan.

Hi, Alan.

Hi, Alan.

Um...

I'm interrupting.

Gee, do you think?

Listen, I really need to talk to you.

Can you come downstairs?

Sure.

Give me...

...an hour and a half.

An hour and a half?!

I know it's a little rushed,

but we're on a tight schedule here.

Tina's got homework,

Cindy's got to meet her fiancé,

and Marie-- well, Marie's on the clock.

You already had two women in bed

Better safe than sorry.

I see.

Well, I guess I'll just wait downstairs.

Good call.

'Cause, you know, five's a crowd.

(door closes)

Okay, does everybody remember their assignment?

Uh-huh. Yep.

Think so.

Then let's do this thing.

Hour and a half on the dot.

Can I plan or what?

Hey, come on.

Show a little class.

So, how's the newlywed?

Still living the dream?

Well... I got to tell you, buddy,

things haven't been the same around here since you left.

That's nice, but...

Yeah, they've been way better.

I mean, look around.

I don't even know these people.

Yeah, and I can have sex in every room in the house now.

I had forgotten how much fun you can have

on top of a washing machine.

You know-- hibbe-dah, hibbe-dah, hibbe-dah, hibbe-dah.

That does sound like fun, but...

And the best part of all is, without Jake here,

Mom has no reason to visit.

Heck, I may not have to see her again till we meet in hell.

I'm happy for you...

Come to think of it, without Jake here,

there's no reason for you to visit, either.

I'm your brother.

Yeah, so?

I'm your brother-- I don't visit you.

Charlie, listen to me.

My wife threw me out.

Aw, dude...

that's awful.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

Aren't you listening to me?

Kandi doesn't love me anymore.

My marriage is over.

My life is in ruins.

Whoa.

What?

Déjà vu.

It's as if I've lived through this before

and didn't really enjoy it.

Charlie, I...

But wait, there's a difference.

This time, you can get your own place

instead of sponging off me,

'cause you have money now, right?

Uh, well...

Oh, you suck!

It wasn't my fault.

There were taxes and the condo

and Kandi's new car and Kandi's new clothes

and the shoes.

Oh, God, so many shoes.

How much do you have left?

Eleven dollars.

Okay, okay, let's start from the beginning.

Well, things were fine until about a month ago.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'll go back upstairs, you come knock on my door again

and say you want to talk to me.

Only this time, I'll kill you!

Oh, come on.

You're all I have left in this world.

I need you, Charlie!

Anybody here know a Charlie?

* Men. *

Ah, geez.

I'm working for Caligula.

Hi, Berta.

Hey, Zippy.

What are you doing here?

My marriage is over.

Kandi kicked me out.

Damn, that's horrible.

Yeah.

Damn, damn, damn!

Tell me about it.

I had October in the pool.

Pool? What-what-what pool?

Me, your brother, your mom, a couple of neighbors,

had a pool on how long before she dumped your ass.

I was so close!

You were betting that my marriage was going to fail?

No.

We were betting on when.

So Charlie took you back, huh?

Well, not with open arms or an open heart

or even an open door.

After he pushed me out, I had to climb in through the window.

But yeah, I'm back.

Well, I'm glad.

You're kidding.

No.

With you and the kid around,

I won't have to hose down the washing machine so often.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get that.

I guess there's no trusting this butter now.

Or the loose bananas.

Hello, Alan.

Judith.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy.

So is somebody going to explain to me what the heck is going on?

I thought he should hear it from you.

(sighs): Okay.

Jake, listen,

I know you liked Kandi very much,

but she and I have decided that we really can't stay married.

Ah, man!

That doesn't mean that you can't be friends with her.

No. I had December.

Alan, I just want to say I'm very sorry

things didn't work out for you and Kandi.

Thanks.

You won the pool, didn't you?

Yeah.

And just FYI, I spoke to my lawyer,

and he said that even if Kandi takes you

for everything you've got, you still have to pay me alimony.

Here's his bill.

(scoffs)

Six hundred dollars?!

He explained it very slowly.

You didn't call.

What?

When Dad moved out, you said you and me

could still get together and do stuff.

But you never called.

Ah, geez, Jake, I'm sorry.

I waited.

I'll make it up to you.

When?

Later.

I'm still here.

What do you want me to do, Jake?

I don't know.

You really let me down, and it hurt my feelings.

I know. I feel awful.

Fifty bucks and it goes away.

Ten. Done.

Love you, Uncle Charlie.

Back at you.

* Men. *

How long is he going to sit out there?

I don't know, Jake.

He's pretty depressed.

Yeah, well, that's the price you pay

when you think with your penis.

Did you hear that from your mother?

No, your mother.

And how are you feeling about all this?

I'm okay.

You sure?

Uncle Charlie,

this is not my first divorce.

Got it.

Tell you one thing, though-- I am never getting married.

That's a sweet dream to have, Jake.

But sooner or later,

you're going to meet a girl who's smart, beautiful,

and has a real grudge against your parents.

What are you going to do then?

Don't worry. I have a plan.

Really?

Yeah. If a girl falls in love with me,

I'll tell her I can't marry her until I have enough money,

even though I'll be secretly rich.

How do you plan to get secretly rich?

I'm going to marry a movie star.

You're going to marry a movie star

to avoid getting married?

Guess I haven't worked out all the bugs.

Well, keep me posted.

Hey.

Hey.

Jake sure changed in the last few months.

Starting to see a real little man there.

Mm-hmm.

Not a real bright little man.

What you doing?

Making plans.

Do they involve marrying a movie star?

What?

Nothing, nothing. What's your plan?

Well, I figured I'd have a nice big lunch,

get real drunk, stroll down to the beach,

and try to swim to Japan.

Huh.

Why the lunch?

I want to cramp up and drown

before the sharks rip me to shreds.

Well, keep me posted.

I'm a failure, Charlie.

Everything I've tried to do in my life has ended

in complete abject failure.

Oh, buddy, you're looking at this the wrong way.

See?

I've failed again.

Will you shut up and listen to me?

Failure is nothing to be ashamed of.

It's a part of life, it's how we learn.

Well, you know what?

I've failed for almost 40 years.

And what have I learned?

Oh, that wasn't a rhetorical question?

Come on, Alan.

You got to have a sense of humor about this.

A broke-ass, middle-aged guy

marries a 22-year-old knucklehead

just before he wins a half a million dollars.

And then she takes him for everything he's got.

(chuckles)

That's hilarious.

Okay, okay.

Okay, maybe you're too close to it now,

but trust me, it's funny.

(inhales deeply)

Hmm.

Where are you going?

The ocean's that way.

* Men. *

(knock at door)

Hey, the kid and I are going to the movies.

You want to come? No, thanks.

Can I get you something to eat? No.

Something to drink?

No.

How about a bottle of Scotch and a hooker?

I just want to be alone.

Well, you don't need my help for that.

That's your home run swing.

Just close the door on the way out.

Fine, I'll close it.

Then I'll nail it shut and plaster it over

and hang a picture of something a little more cheerful,

like a plane crash.

Okay.

I am through feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe not.

(knock at door)

Alan?

Oh, terrific.

Charlie told me about you and Candy.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well, thanks.

Did he also tell you I want to be alone?

Yes, he did, so...

want some company?

No.

How about a hug?

Is it a good-bye hug?

Alan, I know what it's like to lose at love.

Rose?

Yes, baby?

You're a stalker.

I prefer to be called boundary-challenged.

Just go away.

Go away?!

(laughs)

Alan, I'm a stalker.

Trust me.

This pain will pass.

The aching emptiness

that's swallowing up your heart will be transformed

into something beautiful.

What's that?

Resentment.

A burning, white hot resentment

that empowers you to commit unspeakable acts of revenge.

You're going to want a scrapbook.

* Men. *

Dad?

Yeah.

Uncle Charlie's going to take me back to Mom's now.

Well, come in here and say good-bye.

Bye.

That's it? Come here and give your old dad a hug.

That's better.

You still depressed?

Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

Just taking a little nap.

You've been napping for two days.

I'm getting old, Jake.

Old people nap a lot.

It's kind of a dry run for death.

Okay.

Well, see you.

See you.

Hey, Dad?

Yeah?

Even though Mom stopped loving you

and Kandi stopped loving you,

you don't have to worry about me.

Thanks, pal.

You're my dad. I pretty much got to love you.

So?

Is he still curled up like a cocktail shrimp?

Yep.

This is a real fun weekend.

Wait in the car, Jake, and I'll be right there.

Okay. I am running out of patience with this guy.

I've had relationships end,

and I don't go crawling into bed over it.

(clears throat)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean.

It may not be just the relationship.

What are you talking about?

Charlie, I've studied psychology for eight years

and been a patient for 20.

Your brother is exhibiting all the classic signs

of clinical depression.

What are you saying? You think he might try to hurt himself?

The important question is, do we stop him?

Oh, like I'm the only one here thinking that.

All right, I didn't want to have to do this,

but desperate times call for desperate measures.

What are you going to do? Something I hoped I'd never have to.

You don't mean...?

I'm afraid so.

Hello?

Mom?

(knock at door)

Oh, God, what plague have you set upon me now?

Alan, it's Mommy.

Good one.

Oh, my poor darling.

How are you holding up?

How do you think?

I blew another marriage.

I wasted all my money.

I'm a complete and utter failure.

Oh, sweetie, you just can't see

the big picture, can you?

What big picture?

Every foolish choice you've made,

every wasted opportunity,

every hapless misstep in your sad, misbegotten life...

I know, I know...

It's an opportunity to learn and grow.

Well, perhaps, but more importantly,

it's a reflection on me.

Always good to see you, Mom.

I'm not finished. Of course not.

There is a silver lining in this dark cloud.

I can't wait to hear about it.

(clears throat)

You're all alone, you're penniless,

and you have no prospects.

Are we at the silver lining part yet?

Yes. Short of contracting a flesh-eating disease,

things couldn't possibly get any worse.

You've hit rock bottom.

You have nowhere to go but up.

You know what?

You're right.

You're self-obsessed, insensitive and soul-sucking,

but you're right.

I have stared into the abyss,

and I'm still here.

I-I've had my heart shattered,

and then... and then shattered again,

and I'm still here.

I've taken every piece of crap that life could throw at me,

and I'm still here.

Well, we don't have to turn this

into an evening with Liza Minnelli.

Now, get washed, get dressed,

get on with your life.

Okay.

And remember, no matter what,

I'll always love you.

I know. Thanks.

Oh, don't thank me, sweetheart.

I'm your mother.

I have to love you.

* Men. *

Hey.

Hey.

Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.

No problem.

Sorry I had to send Mom in there.

No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing.

I needed a good slap in the face.

Although, with Mom,

it's more like a nail gun to the testicles.

That was my thinking.

Well, uh... I'm really grateful.

Don't mention it.

So, look at us, huh?

Just like old times.

(laughs)

Yep.

The Harper brothers, together again.

(laughs)

Uh-huh.

The chicks will come and go,

but you and I will always be there for each other.

Sure.

Forever.

Well, you know, not...

not literally till the end of time,

but, you know, till one of us dies.

It'll probably be you,

'cause you don't take very good care of yourself.

Gotcha.

Fist me.

You want me to fist you?

You know, like the, the bros in the hood.

We're the bros, and this is our hood.

(laughs)

Pow! Right on.

Tell you what.

I will grab us a couple of brewskis

so that Team Harper can kick back and chill.

Terrific.

Uh,

but I'll get you a beer.

Okay.

Oh, uh, maybe I'll make a nice little plate

of cheese and crackers.

Hmm, nothing fancy.

Good.

Ooh. Uh, I don't suppose you have any brie?

I don't know.

Not important.

You relax.

I got you covered. Pow!

* Men. *