Original subtitles

Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad!

? whimsical music plays ?

This is my mom! [chuckles]

[giggles] This is my sister! She's shy.

This is my grandpa!

This is my room!

And this...

This is my show!

? 2-bit video game music plays ?

[laughter]

I liked when the green pipe turned left.

[laughs] Then turneth'd upwards!

[guffaws] Yeah!

But it's over now

and one of us has to pick something else to watch.

[all] Yeah.

-[all yell] -[growls]

[Patrick] Let go of it!

I wanna watch Clam Chatter,

where clams discuss important issues!

I wanna watch TV static!

I must watcheth my soap operas!

[indistinct arguing]

Hey, guys. How's the TV party go-

Whoa! What's with the fight cloud?

We wanna watch different TV channels.

There's a better way to decide than-

Hold on.

Are you done yet?

Almost!

Ow.

[dings]

All done!

You were saying?

I was saying

there's a better way to resolve your differences!

Hmm.

More punching!

I meant talking it ou-

What about a big sport contest thing?

And winner gets the remote!

Talking is easier-

We'll call it the Pat-Tathlon!

We can have a cool race, and a jumping contest and-and...

Welp, if you can't beat 'em,

make a live televised event!

[Perch] Welcome one and all to the Pat-Tathlon!

The Star House is abuzz with sporting fans,

who've come to see the best of the best.

To compete in the games takes a dull wit and a buff bod!

Our athletes are warming up to keep in tip-top shape!

From downloading

to protein-loading

to freeloading,

there's no wrong way to get fit!

Who will walk away with the coveted TV remote?

It's anyone's guess, so stay tuned!

It sounds like the opening ceremony

is about to begin.

Let's watch.

[triumphant trumpet music plays]

[Squidina] And now, the lighting of the Pat-Tathlon Torch!

[Fred] My leg!

[Perch] Oh! Here comes the Dartfish family!

This year, the Pat-Tathlon Torch is being carried by Teensy Tom.

Daddy Dartfish must be so proud.

You're doing fantastic, son!

Just ignore the thousands,

no, millions of eyes judging your every move.

-[crowd gasps] -Oh!

[Perch] Wuh-oh!

Looks like Teensy Tom took a teensy tumble!

[screams]

[crowd screaming]

[Daddy Dartfish] You'll get it next time, slugger!

The torch is lit and my toupee is on fire.

Let the games begin!

Our first event is the Dinette Vault!

Up first is Pat-Tron.

There he goes!

Ow.

Ow!

Ow.

Who are you people?!

And what are ya doin' in my floor?!

I'm your grandson.

-G-grandson? -? tender music plays ?

I'm... a grandpappy?

Well, come on, give ol' grampy a hug!

[straining]

So, Patrick, what was going through your head

as you made that winning leap?

Um, the ceiling.

But wait! I won?

Yep! Looks like your competitors got a little hung up.

How do you feel?

Concussed.

My precious boy!

Concussed or bust, it's time for the next event!

? gentle, shimmering jingle plays ?

Up next, it's the downstairs slalom.

First to the finish wins!

Are you sure this is about who controls the TV remote?

I think you just wanna play silly games.

Just gimme the pokey things!

Okay.

Three, two, one, go!

[Perch] The Patricks are all neck and neck!

But what's this? Seems Pat the Hapless

has an "edge" on the other racers.

Oh, no! I've been hacked!

[chuckles]

[Perch] Pat the Hapless pulls ahead!

But speed is not everything, folks.

This way to victory!

-[Perch] Oh! That's gotta hurt! -[horn honks]

Meanwhile, Pat-Tron is back in contention!

-Oh, no! -[Perch laughs]

Looks like Patrick Star just remembered

he's in the race!

[phone rings]

Yeah, I can talk.

I'm in an elevator so I might lose ya.

-[elevator dings] -[laughs] Yeah. Let's do lunch.

[cheering]

[Pat-Tron] There it is! The finish line!

I'm going to win!

Pat-Tron is running this race unopposed!

But wait, what's this?

Emerging from the wall...

Yes!

It's Pat the Hapless!

For daytime television!

[Perch] But Pat-Tron is not taking this lying down!

Maximum overdrive!

[Perch] Pat The Hapless in full gallop!

It's anyone's race!

It all comes down to this, folks.

Looks like it's gonna be a photo finish.

[camera shutter clicks]

It's Pat the Hapless

by a hair!

Congrats on the win, Mr. The Hapless.

What's your secret?

No secret, Perch, just hard work.

[laughs] Wise words, and-

Yeah, it is a mess here.

They've got this Pat-Tathlon thing or something.

Hmm, I don't know.

Okay, folks, let's keep things moving!

Our next event is fencing, and our athletes are warming up!

-[Patrick grunts] -There's Patrick Star

practicing with a... radio antenna?

Ha!

[horn honks]

Patrick! I need my pasta strainer back now, honey!

Here. Sorry.

[laughs] Looks like spaghetti night in the Star home

is officially canceled!

Anyway, let's check in on Pat the Hapless!

[growling]

[yells, grunts]

FYI, ya can't use an ax in fencing.

Huh?!

Yeah. No good.

[disappointed grunt]

Here. It's called a foil.

Mmm. To foil my enemies.

-[yells] -? ominous music plays

Yikes!

And it looks like our first fencing match

is about to begin!

Cower, vile foe! [grunts]

Ow. Ow.

Pat the Hapless is on the offensive

while it's not clear if Patrick realizes

-the event has even begun! -Ow. Ow. Ow.

The big question is who will win?

And also, where the heck is Pat-Tron?

-[Patrick] Ow. Ow. -[Pat the Hapless grunts]

It's fencing time!

-Ow. -[whirring]

[both] Huh?

Wowie! Patrick Star andPat the Hapless

just got out-fenced by being fenced in!

Which makes them, no offense,losers.

I am triumphant!

Can I watch my television program of choice now?

Nope!

Aw, nuts and bolts.

And here's the reason why, folks.

Patrick Star, Pat the Hapless, and Pat-Tron

are currently locked in a three-way tie!

[all] Aw, nuts!

That means the winner will be decided

by one final competition.

What will it be?

Shot put?

Javelin?

Or... tiddlywinks?

The answer is...

none of these!

Folks, that's because it's time

for the Pat-Tathlon Mega Event!

Now, what is the Mega Event you may ask?

Why, it's a combination of the following:

The Floor Is Lava, Equestrian Dressage,

Rhythmic Gymnastics, Dodgeball, Competitive Eating and more!

When you said the floor is lava,

you meant make-believe lava, right?

Of course not!

? ominous music plays ?

[whimpering]

Now. Here's a quick Mega Event rundown.

Each of you will ride his own trusty steed...

[whinnies]

...into the living room

where you'll hop across various objects

while simultaneously waving gymnastic ribbons

and avoiding a barrage of dodgeballs

thrown from down below

by beloved members of the Star family!

Ha! Ya missed me!

Then, you'll head to the top of the stairs

where you'll find a giant pile of hot dogs!

You'll have 20 seconds to eat as many as you can!

After that, validate your parking,

capture the flag,

solve cold fusion,

braid my daughter's hair,

write a best-selling novel,

eat more hot dogs,

play 18 holes of mini golf,

perform Swan Lake,

make some balloon art...

[dolphin chirps]

...kick the can,

do a podcast, 50 push-ups,

fall in love with your wife all over again,

canoe across the bathtub,

shake your maracas!

Whoever crosses the finish line first

will be crowned the winner of the entire Pat-Tathlon

and take full command

of the coveted television remote control!

Batteries not included.

Any questions?

Could thou runneth that by us again?

No!

On your marks!

-Get set! -[drum rolls]

[whinnying]

[all grunt]

[all] Aw, nuts!

Whoa! And this Pat-Tathlon is over!

By default, the winner is...

these three seahorses!

[all whinny]

? upbeat, triumphant music plays ?

I told you we shoulda watched Clam Chatter.

[yells]

[Patrick] Ow.

[orchestra tuning]

[indistinct chatter]

Ah, the opera!

Finally some culture on this tawdry little show.

[can clatters]

[burping "Toreador Song"]

It's horrid! I am offended!

Regigilled, I must get away from this racket at once!

[burping continues]

Right away, madam.

[gasps] It's getting closer!

Back, you fiend!

[yelps]

-[pants] -[Patrick burping]

-[sigh] -[burping stops]

Regigilled, take me home immediately.

Regigilled?

-[burps] -[screams]

[grunts] How do you work this infernal contraption?!

-[tires screech] -[burps]

Ah!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

There are 47 counts of hit and run here!

I ought to throw the book at you, Miss Upturn!

It's LadyUpturn, you imbecile!

Excellent reflexes, madam.

Just look at how horribly you've disfigured this poor boy!

Ugh!

He'll never be normal again.

Who cares? He doesn't have money.

[grumbles angrily]

Miss Upturn, clearly you need to be educated

about life in the real world.

I hereby sentence you to imprisonment for one week...

-[horrified gasp] -...with no access

to your money.

[gasps more dramatically]

To be served in the Star family home!

Oh, how lovely! We're going to have a guest!

But what about my jewelry?

[chuckles] Well, the bailiff has a nice ankle bracelet for you.

A GPS monitor to ensure that you stay in the Stars' home

for your entire sentence.

Silver?! But I'm an autumn!

I only wear gold!

No!

[echoes]

? regal orchestral music plays ?

[ankle monitor beeps]

Ugh! Back to this repulsive hovel.

Come, Regigilled.

Alert the inhabitants of my arrival

and bring my luggage.

Of course, madam. [grunts]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the cash-rich convict.

What an impertinent butler.

Now, take care of my luggage.

At once, your majesty!

Yard sale! Everything must go!

-Did somebody say "yard sale"?! -[indistinct chatter]

Uh, hello?

? tense music builds ?

[all] Welcome to your new home!

? fanfare music plays ?

Good heavens! This place is like a public restroom!

I can't be expected to live like this!

[ankle monitor] Perimeter breached.

[grunting]

Shocking.

[coughs]

The judge didn't mention this was electrified.

Oh well. [chuckles] Only one way out of this thing.

[chomps, growls]

Poor thing! You must be famished!

Welcome to...

[in French accent] ...Chez Cecil!

[laughs snootily]

Oh, thank Neptune,

this is a French establishment!

I'll have an amphipod cordon bleu,

kelp dauphinoise, and a quiche, s'il vous pla�t!

[in normal voice] Gesundheit!

Here are your breakfast burgers!

Burgers?

Well, I suppose I'll have to get used

to such vulgar repast.

Here we go.

What is this?!

It's my secret ingredient: old boot.

Want some more? It adds a rich, earthy umami.

[gasps]

-I can't live like this! -Wait!

-[electricity zapping] -[Lady Upturn screams]

[vacuum whooshes]

Alright, Mildred.

Uh, can I call you Mildred?

Certainly not!

Okay. Milly it is, then!

It's time to do some chores!

Chores?! What do I look like, the help?!

Yes, because in this house, we all help!

You take out the garbage,

and I'll vacuum the ceiling!

-Now hop to it! -[vacuum whooshing]

Garbage, eh?

[hums]

-[Lady Upturn] You there! -[screams]

I have finished my wretched chore.

-[gasps] -? tense music plays ?

Where's all our furniture?!

Well, you did ask me to take out the garbage.

? whimsical music plays ?

Look at me, Mom! I'm king of the mountain!

Patrick?! [grumbles]

Thanks for your help, Milly!

Let's see if anyone else needs help around the house.

[Patrick] Wah!

I'm okay!

Alright, Dartfish family, gimme the usual!

[all] Okay!

? upbeat music plays ?

-Okay, go help GrandPat! -? music stops ?

Buh-bye.

What on earth is a GrandPat?

? ominous music builds ?

? tense musical stinger ?

[screams] Infestation!

[wheezing cough]

[screams]

[groans]

Takes me back to the trench wars.

[coughing]

Dartfish, dart!

Great! Now who's gonna cut my hair!?

Care to try your hand at the old scissors

and mustache wax?

[coughs]

Kinda fragile for a felon.

When the Stars are attacked, we have their back!

Charge!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Unhand me, you vermin!

Do you not know who I am?!

I am the fourth duchess twice removed!

Now you're three times removed!

Bombs away!

[grunts, wails]

[Lady Upturn screams]

[grunts]

Are you okay?

Speak to me, Lady Upturn! Speak to me!

[gurgling]

? suspenseful music plays ?

Why, you half-witted-

[gurgles]

[belches]

[raucous laughter]

? "Toreador Song" playing ?

What is this feeling?

Approval? From the hoi polloi?

Oh. It is oddly gratifying.

[laughs] Well, if you liked that,

then you're going to love this.

[belches]

This is awesome!

[screams]

[all laughing]

[rumbling explosions]

[cheering]

[inhales deeply, sighs]

I feel so alive!

-[Patrick screams] -? "Toreador Song" ends ?

What did I miss?

[French Narrator] Two weeks later...

[hums "Toreador Song"]

? peaceful music playing ?

Hey! That's mydinner!

[Barb] And those are mycurlers!

[GrandPat] And that's mymuumuu!

[belches]

And that's myburp!

[contented sigh]

Hey, wait a minute.

Where's your ankle bracelet?

Oh, that?

My sentence ended days ago.

Living like you poor slobs

makes my spirit feel so free.

Well, if you're gonna stay...

...then we're gonna leave!

[huffing and puffing]

? whimsical music plays ?

How do you work this infernal contraption?!

Wait! Where are you go-

Uh-oh...

Huh. Well, would you look at that?

I had it in reverse.

[gavel slamming]

For the crime of vehicular assault,

I sentence you to 12 months in...

the big house.

The big house?

Looks like we're moving in with you, Milly!

[slurps]

[both] Big house, here we come!

Oh. That's what he meant by "big house."

All we did was run over some rich lady with a boat.

You did what? Ugh! I am offended.

??

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