Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

SHE CACKLES

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Electric candles.

Er, under the sink.

Blankets. Oh, that's a tough one. I'm going to go with...

..on the beds. Final answer.

We should run a bath. We don't want to run out of water

if the power goes. Cathy, we're preparing for a storm,

not Armageddon. Storm of the century, Mammy.

What part of this are you not grasping?!

Batteries for the torches? Oh, er, in the cupboard.

CATHY SIGHS Cathy, if those batteries run low,

can we use this? BUZZING

Mammy!

Mammy! BUZZING SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS

Give it to me. Oh, you want that, all right.

I will check for extra blankets.

That's what you say you're going to do.

Well, welcome to the madness.

The weather here's been terrible, and there's worse to come.

There's a big storm on the way. But the real disaster is not the storm,

it's this, my kettle. It's knackered.

I don't know what it is about this house,

but every time the weather changes, this house goes to shite.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's...

RECORD SCRATCH See what I mean?

All right, Ma? Hello, Mark, love.

Everything OK? Ah, well, apart from Hurricane Cathy.

She running around?

Oh, like a greyhound with an onion up his arse.

She's just nervous, Ma. You know, the surgery. Yeah...

I'll see if I can calm her down. All right, love. Thanks, love.

It's nothing serious, it's just a thing on her vocal cords.

She won't even be kept in.

It's Captain Birdseye.

BING-BONG!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

We'll be landing in Dublin in about ten minutes.

The weather is pretty cold, so if you do take it out, wrap it up.

That's very good, Der. What's that?

Oh, that's Buster's. "I'm Philomena Fly Me!"?

SULTRY MUSIC PLAYS

Why couldn't you be the air hostess?

With my legs? Get real, Buster.

Fair enough. Well, what's all this about, Dermot?

We landed a juicy contract

to promote Air Fungus's tenth anniversary.

Oh. Very nice. Yeah, but now they cancelled it because of the storm.

Oh... That's sad. So, what was your pitch?

Hardly matters now, Ma, does it? We're out of work.

It matters to me, son. Fine...

"Look up there. Is it a bird? Is it Superman?

"No, it's a plane."

Oh, I see what you did there! That's very good, very good.

# We're the friendliest airline in the sky

# Chicken or beef, chicken or beef!

# We have exits front, back, over the wings!

# Chicken or beef, chicken or beef!

# So if you want to get there safe and sound, fly Air Fungus

# We've only rarely missed a runway

# Chicken or beef. #

I'll have the chicken.

LAUGHS

Very good, Dermot, very good. Oh, thank God it's cancelled,

because that was shite. So, what are you doing here?

Just dropped in to see if Cathy needs a lift to the hospital.

Oh, Mark beat you to it already. Oh! All right, Dermot. Hey, Mark-o.

Well, hello there, young lady.

Chicken or beef?

Oh, it's you, Buster. Shut up, Mark, you knew it was me.

Mark, just because somebody puts on women's clothes

doesn't make them a woman, all right? Exactly! The...

Feck off!

Right, Mark, let's go.

Look, I'll barely be able to talk for a week after this,

so I'll say happy birthday to you now, Buster.

Oh, it's your birthday? Not till Wednesday. But thanks, Cathy.

I got to go. Good luck, love.

I'll have the beef, please.

Chicken.

We're out of beef.

Sharon? Yes, Grandad? Ask that lovely young lady over there

what she's drinking.

Grandad, I don't actually think she's a lady.

All the better.

Damien! Over here.

Here, Buster, Grandad thinks you're a woman.

He wants to know what you're drinking.

HE KISSES

No, thank you, Sharon.

It's a free drink.

Sharon?

So, have you decided what you're getting Buster yet for his birthday?

I already got it. Did you? What?

He always said he'd love to do a parachute jump, so I booked it.

Fantastic! For when? His birthday. Wednesday? Yeah.

That's when the storm is due in.

Maria, it cost me 500 euro. I don't care if a tornado hits...

..he's jumping out of that plane. Anyway, it's always windy up there.

Excuse me? Can you help me? I'm lost.

YOU'RE lost? I'm supposed to be in Canada.

DOGS BARK

Are you OK, Sister? Lord be with you.

And also with you. Are you lost? Yes.

Come on, let's get you out of here.

Was your Redser romantic, Agnes?

Romantic? The last time we made love...

..it was an hour and a half. WINNIE GIGGLES

He woke me up twice.

AGNES CHUCKLES

I asked him once, "Why do you never buy me flowers?"

He said, "I didn't even buckin' know you sold flowers."

And what about your husband, Birdie?

Which one? I've had three.

Any one of them. Hard to say.

It's hard to be sexy for them coming home when you've had seven babies.

You said it, Birdie.

Redser said to me one night, "Why don't we change position?"

Kinky! AGNES CHUCKLES

I said, "OK, well, you stand by the ironing board

"and I'll lie on the couch watching telly."

Ah, men. Can't live with them...

That's it.

WIND HOWLS

Oh, Mrs Brown, it's really blowing out there. I can hear it.

You want a cup of tea, Maria? No, I'm actually on my way

down to Foley's to help Sharon set up for the quiz night.

You're not going out in that.

I'll be fine, Mrs Brown. WIND HOWLS

The weather warning said

the worst is not going to hit till midnight tomorrow.

No, no, I'm talking about your clothes.

You look like you're buckin' homeless.

I just popped in to see how Cathy is.

Oh, Dr Flynn is up there with her now. She's grand.

A bit sore, but grand.

Ah, hello, Maria. How is she?

Er, still a bit sore. To be expected.

But I've given her something to help her sleep.

Dr Flynn, who's paying you? Er, you are, Mrs Brown.

That's right, yeah. So I get to ask the questions.

Indeed. So, how is she?

Still a bit sore. To be expected.

Oh.

She's still a bit sore. To be expected.

And? And I've given her something to help her sleep.

And he's given her something to help her sleep.

Thank you. Dismissed.

Right, I'm off, then.

Oh, and Cathy should only speak when necessary.

Oh, I've been saying that to her all her life.

Oh, Doctor? Erm, could you drop me off at Foley's, please?

Certainly. I'll see you, Mrs Brown. I'll see you, love.

WIND HOWLS

Whoo!

Hello, boys. Cup of tea?

Love one, Mammy. I'm gasping. Yeah, well, you can't have one.

Me kettle's smashed. Why'd you bother offering, then?

Force of habit. I just want to drop up and say hi to Cathy.

So, Buster, are you looking forward to your parachute jump?

DOORBELL

Come in, Father Damien. Mammy's in the kitchen.

Lord be with you. And also with you.

Just tell him that you don't want to do it. He says I have to do it

or he's going to throw me out the plane himself.

Ah, hello, Father Damien. Trevor's not here. He's downtown.

He's trying to get some of the homeless into the shelters,

out of the storm. I know, and I want to go help him.

This is Sister Mary. Hello, Sister.

Lord be with you. BOTH: And also with you.

Could you look after her while I go help Trevor? Of course.

We'll have a good old chat. That's the thing, Mrs Brown -

she doesn't say a lot. What do you mean?

Lord be with you.

BOTH: And also with you.

That's it. That's all she says.

Hello again, Sister.

Lord be with you. ALL: And also with you.

Lovely. It is, until you've heard it a thousand times.

That's all she says. Oh, dear. I know!

I don't know who she is, where she comes from,

what she's doing here, and she says nothing.

My kind of woman!

Shut up, Buster!

You leave it to me, Father. I'll get her talking.

I was going to be a nun, you know?

THEY ALL LAUGH

Now that's a lie, for sure. No, it's not.

May the Lord strike me down.

THUNDER CRASHES

God, that was close.

Father...

Father Damien? Where are you, Father Damien?

I'm here!

Father, get in here! Can we sort out what we're doing with Sister Mary?

Come quick! Winnie's been struck by lightning!

HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS

CRASH!

Lord be with you.

CATHY SHRIEKS UNINTELLIGIBLY

Huh?

SPEAKING WITH DIFFICULTY: What...happened?!

LOUDLY: Winnie! She got struck by lightning!

Lord be with you.

ALL: And also with you.

SHE SHRIEKS Huh? What?

Who's...this?!

LOUDLY: It's a nun!

Buster, she can't talk, she's not deaf.

Lord be with you. ALL: And also with you.

Dr Flynn is close by. How close?

Backstage.

DOORBELL That'll be him now. I'll get it.

WINNIE GROANS

She's coming round. She's coming round.

Well done, Winnie. Winnie! Winnie!

Nah, she's gone again.

Maybe she needs mouth-to-mouth.

I'll do it. No!

It's OK, I'm here.

Lord be with you. ALL: And also with you...

Father, get rid of her, will you, before we go insane?

Come on, Sister Mary, let's go find out where you come from.

Lord be with you.

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Also with you.

Buster, we'd better go too. You have your pre-jump class to do. Come on.

Dermo, do I have to? Of course.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday...to... #

Has anyone tried grounding her? No, Doctor, sorry.

Winnie? You're grounded.

Not like that. Stand back.

Winnie, you're grounded! Go to your room.

Oh!

Good job, Doctor.

Well, ten years of medical school didn't go to waste.

I thought it was just five years.

For most people, yeah.

Winnie! Can you hear me?!

The dogs in the street can feckin' hear ya.

Why do I smell burning?

Because you were on fire, Winnie. Oh, God!

How is your vision, Mrs McGoogan? Oh, calm down, Dr Flynn.

The electrical current travelled over the surface of my body

and not through my vital organs.

SHRIEKS: She's in shock! Exactly.

On the contrary, Doctor, my rubber soles acted as insulators,

dispersing the charge harmlessly into the ground.

Did she say buckin' insulators?

CATHY SHRIEKS

Oh just...just nod yes or shake no.

Mammy! Huh?

She said, "Mammy." I know, I buckin' heard her.

Anyway, any chance of a cuppa now the panic is over?

Priorities, Birdie. We have a char-grilled Winnie there.

And anyway, me kettle is knackered.

Oh, boil the water on the cooker, Agnes. That's a good idea.

I never thought of that.

Mrs Brown? I think Mrs McGoogan has become more intelligent.

Well, just less stupid.

You were lucky, Winnie. Well... You were.

Sure, did you see the damage the lightning did to the chip shop?

Fresh cod and battered burgers all over the place.

And only half of them were edible.

Did you know that the cod they use is frozen

so it can't be called fresh when it's been frozen?

AUDIENCE: Ooh...!

I say they'll take that up at the next EU conference.

It's like listening to the news headlines.

It's not the same, is it, without me kettle? Mm.

Father Damien says he's tracked down where the nun came from. Oh?

Oh, yes, that's right. Yeah, they're picking her up tonight.

Hilary Nicholson is not going to the quiz night tonight.

Well, you know why that is.

The...the entry fee. As tight as a duck's arse, that one.

Well, interesting fact, Agnes.

Ducks don't have watertight backsides.

AUDIENCE: Ooh! Really?

I'll sleep better now, knowing that.

You learn something new every day. Yeah.

NORMAL VOICE: What are you talking about?

Oh! Er, a duck's arse does leak. Who knew?

OK...

Wait a minute, you're talking.

Yep. Still a bit sore, but...

I was enjoying the peace and quiet.

I heard that!

Right, I changed the plug and the power cable.

It should be as good as new, Ma. Ah, well done, son.

Nope, no light. I'll get you a new one.

Ah, I don't want a new one, Mark. It's not the same.

You have two choices, Ma, a new kettle or a flaming kettle.

Take your pick.

He could try replacing the element.

Mark, try replacing the element.

I never thought of that. Great idea, Ma. No problem.

Then again, that could cost just as much as a new one.

What to do?

Replace it.

Replace the element. Final answer.

Thank you all for coming early! That's what me girlfriend says.

What girlfriend?

Pam.

You're so childish. Yeah, I know.

Buster, Winnie got every question right.

Ask Sharon for her calculator.

And the winners are...

..the Reluctant Virgins!

CHEERING

Congratulations, Mammy! Thanks, Sharon, love.

Winnie, you answered every single question.

I know, I know. Even the geography one.

Well, Agnes, everyone knows that the capital of Mongolia is Ulaanbaatar.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

No, Winnie, everyone doesn't know that.

And before the lightning strike, you didn't even know

what the capital of Ireland was.

Winnie, we are now your managers.

Of what? She's a genius, Ma, she has to be handled carefully.

A genius? Who wants to get rich?

Well, I can't speak for Winnie,

but I'd settle for moderately comfortable. Watch this.

Winnie, what's the square root of 289?

It's 17.

Buster, calculator.

Mammy, if you would be so kind...

What does that say?

Boobies.

Gets me every time.

17 is correct, Ma.

We need to put a plan in place. TV quiz shows. Exactly.

The Chase, Pointless...

Eggheads, The 1%...

Ha!

BOTH: Millionaire!

Looks like you're going to be busy. Yeah.

Boobies! SHE LAUGHS

Agnes? Sharon and I are terrified about this hurricane.

Any chance we could come over to yours just to wait it out?

Yeah, of course. Oh, that'll be fun, all of us in the one place,

before the hurricane. What do you mean?

Well, you don't think me and Enzo are going to sit on our own

in our own place, do you? Fine...

Well, it turns out Sister Mary's not a Sister at all.

What? No?! She's a resident at St Martin's care home.

She just woke up one morning, put on the nun's habit and walked out.

You shouldn't get into the habit.

The nuns are coming to collect her tonight.

Well, if they're coming to collect her tonight,

don't let them drive back until that hurricane has gone. Good idea.

Damien! Mammy said the nuns can stay at hers tonight.

I never said that!

You kind of did, Agnes.

WIND HOWLS

Suffering Jesus! It's wild out there.

Fun, though, isn't it, Ma? And us all cosy in here.

No! I'm living on me buckin' nerves. Me too, Agnes.

Well, we'll be all right, Birdie, won't we? We'll be all right. Yeah.

THUNDER CRASHES, BIRDIE CRIES OUT

Jesus, Birdie! You frightened the shyness out of me.

There's another tree down. I don't need a running commentary, Grandad.

It fell on a car. Nice one, too.

I may as well be talking to the buckin' wall.

Did you fix me kettle? I put a new element in it, Ma.

Took me ages. Didn't exactly fit, but I got it in.

The boys are out for the count up there. Are they warm enough?

Yeah. Thanks, this is lovely, all of us under one roof.

Yes, well, provided the roof doesn't come in on us.

THEY LAUGH POLITELY Maria, do me a favour, will you?

Keep an eye on Birdie. She's very nervous.

Winnie's Wisdom. Sounds good, doesn't it?

ANGUISHED MOOING

I like it.

First, we have to build up the brand - one-on-one consults,

word of mouth. It's called developing your customer base.

I know that, Enzo, son. I'm really intelligent now, you know?

But once we get some press coverage, you're going to be huge.

I'm talking newspaper articles, television interviews.

But the big money-maker? Yeah? Television quiz shows.

Ooh...

Enzo, you know Dermot and Buster are already managing Winnie?

They're completely wrong for her, Cathy. And you would know this how?

I'll have you know, Cathy, that in school

my teachers called me exceptional.

Are you sure they didn't say special?

Where are Dermot and Buster, anyway?

Dermot took Buster down to the airport for his parachute jump.

In this weather?! I know!

I bet Dermot got it half-price because of the storm!

Well? How are the sandwiches coming?

Good. What do you think? Enough there?

Right, well, that'll do Enzo and Birdie.

Now make some for the rest of us. AGNES CACKLES

WIND HOWLS This way, Sisters.

Here, Einstein, put the kettle on.

Or is that too menial a job for a genius?

Shut up, you.

I'm listening, son.

Dermot will probably charge you 20%, but I'm looking at a very fair...

..15. 15?

BANG! Jesus!

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES Jesus, Winnie, are you OK?

I'm fine, Agnes. Oh! It's just a shock. Ooh...

And you know what they say...

..it's only a shock if a kangaroo does it.

No, Winnie, nobody says that.

No? Winnie...? Yeah?

What's the capital of Mongolia?

Oh, er, I don't know, Agnes.

Is it Texas?

What's the square root of 400?

Numbers don't have roots!

They're not weeds.

Uh-oh. I'm out.

Winnie... Yeah? Sit down there and make yourself comfortable.

Winnie is back! AUDIENCE CHEERS

What the fu...

I go in to check on sandwiches

and come out to the cast of The Sound Of Music.

Lord be with you. ALL: And also with you.

Mammy, you said they could stay here till the storm passes.

Yeah, I said stay here,

but I didn't mean "here" here.

DOOR SLAMS

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

Is Buster here? He was with you.

I was waiting for him at the landing spot, but he got blown off course.

Are you surprised? It's blowing a gale out there.

I followed him in me car. I lost him over the village.

Well, he's not here. I'll tell you, if he drops in, I'll call you.

CRASH!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

I'm OK.

# Happy birthday to you

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Buster

# Happy birthday to you. #

CATHY: Hip hip! ALL CHEER

Well, what a week that's been.

Winnie's back. That's the good news.

And she's just...herself,

if it is good news.

Oh, and once the storm passed,

the Sisters went back to Galway with Mary.

You should've seen them going! It was like

five little penguins in the car. SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, and Cathy's voice is back, unfortunately.

You know...that storm reminded me

of the Covid times. You know, when we all came together.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

It'd be nice, you know, if we could all just come together

without a storm or a feckin' pandemic,

just because we wanted to. Mm, yeah.

You know, my mother used to say...

SHE SPEAKS FAKE IRISH

And I would look at her lovingly and I'd say...

.."Mammy...

"..I think it's time to go back to the fuckin' home."

Goodnight!

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all, she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady, full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown... #

Goodnight!

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Goodnight, Buster.

Night-night, Mrs Brown.

Hello?

Hello?!

SHE CACKLES

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