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1
00:00:13,319 --> 00:00:17,158
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
2
00:00:17,159 --> 00:00:20,278
♪ She's Mrs Brown
3
00:00:20,279 --> 00:00:23,078
♪ That's Mrs Brown
4
00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:25,759
♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪
5
00:00:28,239 --> 00:00:32,078
"For sale, set of encyclopedias.
6
00:00:32,079 --> 00:00:36,079
"No longer needed as I married a
man who knows every feckin' thing."
7
00:00:38,999 --> 00:00:42,078
Hello, Winnie! Cup of tea?
8
00:00:42,517 --> 00:00:44,516
No, I'm grand, love.
9
00:00:44,517 --> 00:00:47,675
What's wrong with you?
It's Sharon. She's depressed.
10
00:00:47,676 --> 00:00:50,377
With all the boyfriends she has,
she has no date for Valentine's Day.
11
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,529
Ah.
12
00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:54,929
They're probably all going out
with their wives!
13
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,448
Agnes, what do you do
when you're blue?
14
00:00:57,449 --> 00:00:59,050
I start breathing again.
15
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:03,168
Are you sure you don't want a cuppa?
16
00:01:03,169 --> 00:01:05,970
No. I'm heading down the shops
to get a Valentine's Day card.
17
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,145
For who?
18
00:01:07,146 --> 00:01:09,585
For Jacko, of course!
19
00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:11,626
Do you want anything
while I'm down there?
20
00:01:11,627 --> 00:01:13,825
No, Valentine's Day, my arse!
21
00:01:13,826 --> 00:01:17,144
Redser asked me one year what I'd
like getting for Valentine's Day.
22
00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:19,424
I said, "Get me
something with diamonds".
23
00:01:19,425 --> 00:01:21,946
And he got me
a deck of fuckin' cards!
24
00:01:24,746 --> 00:01:26,824
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Winnie.
25
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,944
Hello, Betty.
To what do we owe the honour?
26
00:01:28,945 --> 00:01:33,184
Just a quick visit.
I thought so, that's why you
didn't wash your hair.
27
00:01:33,185 --> 00:01:37,104
Cathy was trying to get a book for
me. Is she about? She's inside.
28
00:01:37,105 --> 00:01:40,424
Any word from the Australian
embassy about their emigration?
29
00:01:40,425 --> 00:01:42,544
No, apparently it takes a while.
30
00:01:42,545 --> 00:01:46,066
Course it does. Sure it's
on the other side of the world.
31
00:01:50,626 --> 00:01:53,346
Winnie, are you not a bit
old for this Valentine malarkey?
32
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,225
You're never too
old for romance, Agnes.
33
00:01:56,226 --> 00:01:58,465
I get the card every year.
34
00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:01,506
And on the night,
I wear kinky underwear.
35
00:02:05,746 --> 00:02:08,106
Well, that's me off me
fuckin' dinner!
36
00:02:08,107 --> 00:02:09,585
Which reminds me,
37
00:02:09,684 --> 00:02:12,924
I must get that underwear
back from me cousin.
38
00:02:14,961 --> 00:02:16,841
Your cousin's a priest!
39
00:02:18,521 --> 00:02:20,001
Don't get me started!
40
00:02:22,201 --> 00:02:24,320
Who was that? Winnie.
41
00:02:24,321 --> 00:02:27,673
She's gone down the shops to get a
Valentine before Sharon buys them all up.
42
00:02:27,674 --> 00:02:29,354
I'll get you a cup of tea, love.
43
00:02:29,355 --> 00:02:32,033
Oh, Jesus! You a bit stiff?
44
00:02:32,034 --> 00:02:34,352
I'm a bit old.
Missed the gym again?
45
00:02:34,607 --> 00:02:36,328
Yes, that's ten years in a row.
46
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:41,767
What's the book, Betty?
It's The ABC Of Sex.
47
00:02:41,768 --> 00:02:42,848
A, B AND C?
48
00:02:44,128 --> 00:02:46,367
Three positions?
49
00:02:46,368 --> 00:02:49,086
Bono's getting to the age where
he's starting to ask questions,
50
00:02:49,087 --> 00:02:50,526
so I want to be ready.
51
00:02:50,527 --> 00:02:52,806
There was no book to tell me
what to do in my day.
52
00:02:52,807 --> 00:02:54,648
Well, it's all changed
since your day.
53
00:02:54,649 --> 00:02:56,087
Yes, it has, Mammy.
54
00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,246
If you were going on
a first date nowadays,
55
00:02:58,247 --> 00:03:00,528
a man would expect you
to perform fellatio.
56
00:03:03,888 --> 00:03:05,688
Me? Sing opera?
57
00:03:10,208 --> 00:03:13,048
He'd have a better chance
of getting a blowjob!
58
00:03:15,608 --> 00:03:16,847
Right, I'm off.
59
00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:19,608
I'll drop this book back
to you at the weekend, Cathy.
60
00:03:19,609 --> 00:03:21,168
No problem.
61
00:03:24,928 --> 00:03:28,647
Mammy, have you thought
about losing a few pounds?
62
00:03:28,648 --> 00:03:30,688
You are... plumping up a bit.
63
00:03:33,128 --> 00:03:36,566
You should enter that competition
in the newspaper. What's it called?
64
00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:39,926
Oh, the mind your own
fuckin' business competition!
65
00:03:39,927 --> 00:03:41,648
I think you'd do very well in that.
66
00:03:41,649 --> 00:03:45,007
All I'm saying is fat
is not good for ya.
67
00:03:45,008 --> 00:03:47,087
This is not fat, Cathy.
68
00:03:47,088 --> 00:03:50,448
This is from all the years
of carrying this family on my back.
69
00:03:50,449 --> 00:03:52,767
This is mother's muscle.
70
00:03:52,768 --> 00:03:54,807
Oh, I see. Yes.
71
00:03:54,808 --> 00:03:58,086
Oh, when I married your father, the
two of us were as skinny as sticks.
72
00:03:58,087 --> 00:04:00,768
It was a wonder we didn't start
a fire when we went at it.
73
00:04:04,808 --> 00:04:06,127
TMI.
74
00:04:06,128 --> 00:04:08,527
Teemy what? Too much information.
75
00:04:08,528 --> 00:04:10,088
KYBCTY.
76
00:04:11,928 --> 00:04:13,327
No, don't get it.
77
00:04:13,328 --> 00:04:15,128
Keep your buckin'
comments to yourself!
78
00:04:17,728 --> 00:04:19,926
You never wear
that lavender dress any more
79
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,008
and it used to be your favourite.
80
00:04:22,009 --> 00:04:24,167
Lavender... I don't remember.
81
00:04:24,168 --> 00:04:26,446
Yes, you do. It's up in your wardrobe
82
00:04:26,447 --> 00:04:29,006
and you don't wear it cos it
doesn't fit ya any more.
83
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:32,286
It shrunk in the wash.
No, it didn't! It did, too!
84
00:04:32,287 --> 00:04:36,126
All I'll say is, take that dress out
and take a good look at it
85
00:04:36,127 --> 00:04:38,768
and remember how good
you used to look in it.
86
00:04:38,769 --> 00:04:40,967
I'll see ya later.
87
00:04:40,968 --> 00:04:44,568
You mightn't recognise me,
after I've finished me exercises.
88
00:04:45,848 --> 00:04:47,688
Really? Yes.
89
00:04:58,008 --> 00:04:59,488
That's enough of that!
90
00:05:04,648 --> 00:05:06,488
Tried on that lavender dress today.
91
00:05:06,489 --> 00:05:09,247
And? I got the zip halfway up.
92
00:05:09,248 --> 00:05:11,528
It was like a straight jacket on me.
93
00:05:11,529 --> 00:05:13,248
I was right, it shrunk.
94
00:05:15,088 --> 00:05:17,087
It didn't shrink.
95
00:05:17,088 --> 00:05:20,848
Look, all you have to do
is even take a walk every day.
96
00:05:20,849 --> 00:05:22,487
Say, two miles.
97
00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:24,567
Two feckin' miles?!
98
00:05:24,568 --> 00:05:26,687
Yes! You can do it.
99
00:05:26,688 --> 00:05:30,848
Just walk two miles every day
and in a month I bet you'll be in...
100
00:05:30,849 --> 00:05:32,288
Kildare.
101
00:05:33,808 --> 00:05:34,848
Great shape.
102
00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:37,607
Thanks, Sharon.
103
00:05:37,608 --> 00:05:39,846
Sharon, I believe you've
no date for Valentine's.
104
00:05:39,847 --> 00:05:41,446
Nah, but I'll be all right.
105
00:05:41,447 --> 00:05:43,248
That's the girl, be confident!
106
00:05:43,249 --> 00:05:45,327
I am. Watch this...
107
00:05:45,328 --> 00:05:47,087
Heyare!
108
00:05:47,088 --> 00:05:49,486
Whoever can guess what's
in this bag can have sex with me
109
00:05:49,487 --> 00:05:50,688
on Valentine's night.
110
00:05:50,689 --> 00:05:52,328
A giraffe!
111
00:05:53,488 --> 00:05:54,968
Close enough.
112
00:05:59,808 --> 00:06:00,967
Hello, Winnie.
113
00:06:00,968 --> 00:06:03,728
You just missed Sharon getting
a date for Valentine's night.
114
00:06:03,729 --> 00:06:05,887
Oh, I'm glad. Who is it?
115
00:06:05,888 --> 00:06:08,446
That skinny little fellow
over there. Oh, right.
116
00:06:08,447 --> 00:06:11,968
You'd better tie a plank across his
arse or we'll never see him again.
117
00:06:11,969 --> 00:06:13,328
Mammy! Sorry.
118
00:06:14,928 --> 00:06:19,166
Here, Winnie, the jackpot
at the bingo's going to be
2,000 euro on the 14th.
119
00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:22,126
We'll have a good night that night.
On the 14th, Agnes?
120
00:06:22,127 --> 00:06:24,128
Yeah. I can't go with ya
on the 14th.
121
00:06:24,129 --> 00:06:27,807
That's Valentine's night
and Jacko's taking me out.
122
00:06:27,808 --> 00:06:28,967
Excuse me.
123
00:06:28,968 --> 00:06:31,126
You'll have to go on your own, pet.
124
00:06:31,127 --> 00:06:33,568
Jacko's taking me into town
for tea and biscuits.
125
00:06:33,569 --> 00:06:35,727
For feck's sake!
126
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,967
I'm so looking forward to it.
127
00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:39,808
I've never given blood before.
128
00:06:47,888 --> 00:06:50,486
Just as well it's not
a four-course meal.
129
00:06:50,487 --> 00:06:53,008
Might have cost you
a fuckin' kidney.
130
00:06:55,928 --> 00:06:59,768
Valentine's Day, it's making me
laugh. Even Grandad has a date.
131
00:06:59,769 --> 00:07:03,287
That's it, Mammy.
That's the goal you need.
132
00:07:03,288 --> 00:07:06,287
I need a goal?
Now who am I, David Beckham?
133
00:07:06,288 --> 00:07:08,966
You should have a date
for Valentine's night.
134
00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:12,606
And your goal would be to fit
into that lavender dress by then.
135
00:07:12,607 --> 00:07:14,286
That's a great idea, Cathy.
136
00:07:14,287 --> 00:07:18,128
It's all right for you, Winnie, you
have man. Even if he's in
and out of hospital all the time.
137
00:07:18,129 --> 00:07:20,847
Where would I get a feckin' date?
138
00:07:20,848 --> 00:07:22,207
Off the internet.
139
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:25,608
Jesus, no, Cathy. With my luck
I'd end up with a buckin' virus.
140
00:07:31,328 --> 00:07:33,406
My cousin got a thing
off the internet
141
00:07:33,407 --> 00:07:35,046
and the legs were all bandy.
142
00:07:35,047 --> 00:07:37,488
She got a date with someone
with bandy legs?
143
00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:40,008
No, it was a coffee table!
144
00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,486
I'll arrange it and all.
145
00:07:43,487 --> 00:07:46,206
I'll just put your photo on the net
and we'll see what happens.
146
00:07:46,207 --> 00:07:49,246
If you get any offers, you can pick
the one you want to go out with.
147
00:07:49,247 --> 00:07:51,928
You might get a man
like Jacko off the internet!
148
00:07:53,448 --> 00:07:56,648
You wouldn't get a man like Jacko
with a fuckin' fishing net.
149
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:02,728
I think it's a great idea -
Mrs Brown going on a date.
150
00:08:02,729 --> 00:08:04,607
Well, I don't.
151
00:08:04,608 --> 00:08:06,808
We're talking about our mammy here.
152
00:08:06,809 --> 00:08:08,647
Mammy... on a date?
153
00:08:08,648 --> 00:08:11,527
No way, Cathy,
Mammy can't go on a date.
154
00:08:11,528 --> 00:08:13,928
It's... not normal.
155
00:08:18,488 --> 00:08:21,808
You could do with
clipping your shaft.
156
00:08:26,768 --> 00:08:29,006
Oh, Winnie, I see
you've found Betty's book.
157
00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:31,768
It's amazing what you can do with
a bicycle pump and a Kit Kat.
158
00:08:33,408 --> 00:08:36,648
There's a man in here holding
a woman like a wheelbarrow.
159
00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:39,886
Go on a couple of pages,
160
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,968
there's a woman holding a man
like a one-armed bandit!
161
00:08:44,928 --> 00:08:47,448
And she's going for
the buckin' jackpot!
162
00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:56,328
Can you imagine me doing that feckin
wheelbarrow thing with Redser?
163
00:08:58,808 --> 00:09:02,328
"Slow down, slow down!
Take a left at the next lights!"
164
00:09:03,688 --> 00:09:07,247
"Oh, Jesus, don't
go past me mother's!"
165
00:09:07,248 --> 00:09:10,487
It's just not right.
And why not?
166
00:09:10,488 --> 00:09:12,927
Because... she can't!
167
00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:15,207
Mammies don't go on dates.
168
00:09:15,208 --> 00:09:18,287
They... They play bingo.
169
00:09:18,288 --> 00:09:20,447
Well, excuse me, Dermot,
170
00:09:20,448 --> 00:09:24,246
but Mammy is a person and a woman
and a woman has needs.
171
00:09:24,247 --> 00:09:26,566
Well, excuse me,
the whole lot of you.
172
00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,928
Now, Cathy, I haven't decided
one way or the other yet,
173
00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:31,047
so there's nothing definite.
174
00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:33,806
And you, son,
if I do decide to go on a date,
175
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,928
I wont be waiting
on your permission.
176
00:09:37,168 --> 00:09:39,207
Even Grandad has a date.
177
00:09:39,208 --> 00:09:41,888
That's Mammy's fault.
She's given him Viagra.
178
00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:46,326
You're giving Grandad Viagra, Mammy?
179
00:09:46,327 --> 00:09:48,006
Yes. Why would you do that?
180
00:09:48,007 --> 00:09:51,088
Buster said it would stop him
pissing on his slippers.
181
00:09:54,888 --> 00:09:57,447
Did it work? Kind of.
182
00:09:57,448 --> 00:09:59,088
His slippers are dry.
183
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:03,648
He's pissing on
the buckin' ceiling now!
184
00:10:51,008 --> 00:10:54,806
Grandad, what did I say about
these tablets? And I meant it!
185
00:10:54,807 --> 00:10:56,048
Cut down on these now.
186
00:10:57,488 --> 00:11:01,928
I went in to call you in your room
this morning, your bed was
like a fuckin' tent!
187
00:11:04,008 --> 00:11:05,847
I mean it! Cut down!
188
00:11:05,848 --> 00:11:08,248
Or I'm make you mop
that ceiling yourself.
189
00:11:12,608 --> 00:11:14,088
Wait a minute.
190
00:11:15,568 --> 00:11:18,886
I could have a go at this
computer thing myself.
191
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,728
I'm sure I could do just
as good as Cathy on the dating.
192
00:11:25,648 --> 00:11:26,968
Power on.
193
00:11:31,528 --> 00:11:34,728
"Press any key to continue."
194
00:11:38,648 --> 00:11:40,168
Any key...
195
00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:45,448
There's no fuckin' "any key" on it.
196
00:11:49,048 --> 00:11:51,048
Try that one.
197
00:11:53,608 --> 00:11:56,327
Search. Yes, please.
198
00:11:56,328 --> 00:11:58,608
Search... What... Search for what?
199
00:12:01,528 --> 00:12:02,568
"Woman...
200
00:12:03,928 --> 00:12:04,968
"..needs...
201
00:12:06,328 --> 00:12:07,528
"..man."
202
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,728
Oh, no... that's fuckin' Wogan!
203
00:12:14,208 --> 00:12:16,167
No.
204
00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:18,727
"Wo-man...
205
00:12:18,728 --> 00:12:21,087
"needs...
206
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,167
"man."
207
00:12:23,168 --> 00:12:24,288
Search.
208
00:12:35,008 --> 00:12:37,448
Ya dirty bastards!
209
00:12:45,088 --> 00:12:46,368
"Lady..."
210
00:12:47,528 --> 00:12:49,528
"Lady...
211
00:12:50,848 --> 00:12:56,768
"..looking for love."
212
00:12:59,168 --> 00:13:00,528
Search.
213
00:13:04,248 --> 00:13:05,528
Jackpot!
214
00:13:06,688 --> 00:13:09,367
Jesus, they're gorgeous!
215
00:13:09,368 --> 00:13:11,648
Now, you see,
I'd go out with any of them.
216
00:13:12,888 --> 00:13:14,927
Now what's the name of that?
217
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:18,007
Hiya, Grandad.
Cathy, is that you?
218
00:13:18,008 --> 00:13:22,528
Yes, Mammy. Come into the kitchen,
quick. I think I hit the jackpot!
219
00:13:22,529 --> 00:13:25,128
I got on your top top tap top...
220
00:13:26,768 --> 00:13:28,008
I got on the Google...
221
00:13:29,448 --> 00:13:31,607
and I Googled...
222
00:13:31,608 --> 00:13:34,127
and I think I found a perfect site!
223
00:13:34,128 --> 00:13:37,568
Oh, there's loads of gorgeous
men on there, Cathy.
I'd go out with any of them.
224
00:13:37,569 --> 00:13:41,687
Oh, fantastic.
Right, what's it called?
225
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:44,408
It's called Dial a Dick.
226
00:13:53,368 --> 00:13:55,607
Mammy...
227
00:13:55,608 --> 00:13:58,327
they're gigolos!
228
00:13:58,328 --> 00:14:01,128
What? There's nothing wrong
with Spanish men!
229
00:14:03,528 --> 00:14:07,328
You pay these men and they
come out and have sex with you.
230
00:14:10,008 --> 00:14:12,167
That's disgusting!
231
00:14:12,168 --> 00:14:14,087
Jesus... that's immoral.
232
00:14:14,088 --> 00:14:16,046
It's wrong, it's just complet...
233
00:14:16,047 --> 00:14:18,288
Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick!
234
00:14:19,808 --> 00:14:21,688
How much do you pay them?
235
00:14:28,208 --> 00:14:31,288
Here, Agnes, how come you never
got another man? I don't know.
236
00:14:31,289 --> 00:14:36,247
I know, you got married for better
or for worse. Yeah, that's it yeah.
237
00:14:36,248 --> 00:14:39,488
He couldn't do any better
and I could do any fuckin' worse.
238
00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:43,566
Hello, ladies.
Is Cathy or Maria here?
239
00:14:43,567 --> 00:14:46,926
They're up at the bar talking
to Sharon. Oh, I see them.
How's Bono, love?
240
00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:50,406
Don't talk to me, Mrs Brown.
He has me heart broken.
241
00:14:50,407 --> 00:14:53,726
The sex education this week, he's
asking me question after question.
242
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,566
I don't know what to be telling him.
243
00:14:55,567 --> 00:14:57,968
Tell him the truth - he was
found under a heavy cabbage!
244
00:15:01,048 --> 00:15:03,726
You see, Buster,
love is a strange thing.
245
00:15:03,727 --> 00:15:06,326
You have to be careful.
I know what you mean.
246
00:15:06,327 --> 00:15:07,966
Sometimes you need to use two bags
247
00:15:07,967 --> 00:15:09,928
in case the one off of
her head falls off.
248
00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:17,326
I mean you have to be careful
about where you place your love.
249
00:15:17,327 --> 00:15:19,768
Oh, I know where to place it,
all right!
250
00:15:21,448 --> 00:15:22,727
I have one rule.
251
00:15:22,728 --> 00:15:25,246
Never date a good-looking girl,
in case she leaves ya.
252
00:15:25,247 --> 00:15:27,246
But an ugly girl could
leave you, too.
253
00:15:27,247 --> 00:15:28,488
I know, but who cares?
254
00:15:30,088 --> 00:15:31,687
I'm going to the gents.
255
00:15:31,688 --> 00:15:34,087
Me too.
256
00:15:34,088 --> 00:15:36,767
All right, love? Yeah.
257
00:15:36,768 --> 00:15:40,088
All right, Cathy? You fancy
going for a drink sometime?
258
00:15:40,089 --> 00:15:43,607
I'd rather stick
cocktail sticks in me eyes.
259
00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:45,368
I'll take that as a maybe.
260
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,648
Any luck on the internet, Agnes?
261
00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:53,127
Cathy narrowed it down to three.
262
00:15:53,128 --> 00:15:57,447
Indigo55, Rayband61...
263
00:15:57,448 --> 00:16:00,488
but the one she picked
is HairyHarry66.
264
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:05,286
He's coming over to our house
on Valentine's night for dinner.
265
00:16:05,287 --> 00:16:07,288
Well, Hairy Harry sounds
interesting.
266
00:16:07,289 --> 00:16:09,927
Hairy Harry sounds fuckin' hairy!
267
00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:12,607
Is there nobody
called Paddy any more?
268
00:16:12,608 --> 00:16:15,888
You know, you should skip the
internet and go for somebody local.
269
00:16:15,889 --> 00:16:18,967
Like who? What about Jimmy McGinty?
270
00:16:18,968 --> 00:16:20,567
Would ya feck off!
271
00:16:20,568 --> 00:16:22,287
I wouldn't be his type.
272
00:16:22,288 --> 00:16:23,808
What type would that be?
273
00:16:23,809 --> 00:16:24,928
Inflatable.
274
00:16:28,568 --> 00:16:31,807
Jesus, these knickers are killing me.
275
00:16:31,808 --> 00:16:34,048
I can't wait to take them off.
276
00:16:36,168 --> 00:16:40,248
Well, if you're lucky, you might get
someone to take them off for you...
277
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:41,688
with their teeth!
278
00:16:43,288 --> 00:16:46,408
Well, you two are all right,
going home to a man in your bed.
279
00:16:46,409 --> 00:16:47,487
Yeah.
280
00:16:47,488 --> 00:16:48,927
Well, excuse me!
281
00:16:48,928 --> 00:16:52,128
It's different when you're
married. Isn't it, Betty?
282
00:16:52,129 --> 00:16:53,967
Yeah. Very.
283
00:16:53,968 --> 00:16:58,487
Dermot used to be so romantic,
but not now.
284
00:16:58,488 --> 00:17:01,647
When will men learn that
sex is not romance?
285
00:17:01,648 --> 00:17:06,568
Oh, that note, let's drink up and go.
Tonight is our night.
286
00:17:13,248 --> 00:17:15,367
Did you hear that, Buster?
287
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,288
Not much after she said
take them off with me teeth.
288
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:24,648
What about Mikey Nolan for a date?
I mean, he's a bit of fun.
289
00:17:24,649 --> 00:17:27,047
Mikey Nolan is feckin' mad!
290
00:17:27,048 --> 00:17:29,246
Do you remember the community dance?
291
00:17:29,247 --> 00:17:31,646
And he thought it would be
great fun to strip off naked
292
00:17:31,647 --> 00:17:33,808
and run around the room
when he's nude...
293
00:17:33,809 --> 00:17:37,047
with his willy
wacking off everything.
294
00:17:37,048 --> 00:17:39,847
Ugliest willy I've ever seen.
295
00:17:39,848 --> 00:17:42,328
Looked like a blind
carpenter's thumb.
296
00:17:44,128 --> 00:17:46,847
He had the thing cut off, didn't he?
297
00:17:46,848 --> 00:17:48,247
What?
298
00:17:48,248 --> 00:17:52,168
What'cha call that useless
bit of skin at the end of a willy?
299
00:17:52,169 --> 00:17:53,648
A man.
300
00:18:01,368 --> 00:18:02,808
The other end.
301
00:18:04,048 --> 00:18:06,047
Foreskin!
302
00:18:06,048 --> 00:18:07,808
He had a circumvision.
303
00:18:10,128 --> 00:18:13,646
There was a chap
who lived in our road who used
to help the rabbi with that. Hm?!
304
00:18:13,647 --> 00:18:16,248
Yes, he used to collect all
the little bits of skin.
305
00:18:16,249 --> 00:18:19,407
He used to make things out of them.
306
00:18:19,408 --> 00:18:21,887
Made my father a lovely wallet.
307
00:18:21,888 --> 00:18:23,167
It was gorgeous.
308
00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:26,048
If you rubbed it,
it turned into a fuckin' suitcase!
309
00:18:28,728 --> 00:18:32,727
Maria's right.
I do take her for granted.
310
00:18:32,728 --> 00:18:34,286
I need to do something.
311
00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:36,288
A grand gesture, something big.
312
00:18:37,368 --> 00:18:38,528
A bus.
313
00:18:40,768 --> 00:18:41,967
What?
314
00:18:41,968 --> 00:18:44,566
I have a friend.
He works down the bus station.
315
00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:46,846
He sells the ads
on the sides of them.
316
00:18:46,847 --> 00:18:50,046
If you want, I can have a chat with
him. He could do us a freebie.
317
00:18:50,047 --> 00:18:53,286
How big an ad? As big as you want.
I can get you the whole bus
if you want.
318
00:18:53,287 --> 00:18:56,328
Brilliant, I'll do it for
Valentine's. Tell him to write...
319
00:18:56,329 --> 00:18:57,888
Hang on, Dermo.
320
00:19:00,968 --> 00:19:02,527
Right, go ahead.
321
00:19:02,528 --> 00:19:06,568
Maria Brown is the most wonderful
wife and mother in the world
322
00:19:06,569 --> 00:19:08,488
and I love her.
323
00:19:09,728 --> 00:19:10,968
How'd you spell that?
324
00:19:12,208 --> 00:19:13,327
Which word?
325
00:19:13,328 --> 00:19:14,568
All of it.
326
00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:30,968
You won't find them in there.
327
00:19:32,528 --> 00:19:35,688
I know exactly
what you're looking for.
328
00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:41,687
Now, I'm going to give you
jump up Johnny tonight.
329
00:19:41,688 --> 00:19:46,208
Because tonight, I want you
to go out and I don't care
if you never feckin' come back!
330
00:19:47,688 --> 00:19:50,208
Come on, fetch!
331
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,128
Give Smelly Nelly me best.
332
00:20:02,448 --> 00:20:05,486
Winnie. Howya, Agnes?
What are you doing over here?
333
00:20:05,487 --> 00:20:09,328
Just came over to wish you luck and
tell ya, give him a good seeing to!
334
00:20:10,808 --> 00:20:14,728
Winnie, you know the ABC book?
Yeah. Do you remember
the wheelbarrow thing?
335
00:20:14,729 --> 00:20:17,407
Oh, yeah! What did it look like?
336
00:20:17,408 --> 00:20:21,726
Oh, right. Well, he's here and
you're there, or is it the other...
337
00:20:21,727 --> 00:20:24,326
Tell ya what, Agnes.
Lie down there and I'll show you.
338
00:20:24,327 --> 00:20:28,248
No, no, no. Agnes, it'll only take
a few minutes. It's not that
feckin' important. Come on!
339
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:49,488
Winnie, slow down, for fuck's sake!
340
00:20:49,489 --> 00:20:50,528
Mammy!
341
00:20:54,408 --> 00:20:56,607
What are you doing?
342
00:20:56,608 --> 00:21:00,768
Agnes, if you do that twice a day
for a week you'll lose five pounds.
343
00:21:00,769 --> 00:21:01,808
See ya later.
344
00:21:04,408 --> 00:21:09,687
Thanks, Winnie! It was a thing that
Winnie saw on WeightWatchers.
345
00:21:09,688 --> 00:21:11,806
Was it, now?
Do you want a cup of tea?
346
00:21:11,807 --> 00:21:13,966
No, Mammy,
I'm heading over to Betty's.
347
00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,608
Mark has to work late,
so she has no date, either.
348
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:17,727
OK.
349
00:21:17,728 --> 00:21:20,288
Give you a chance to have
the house to yourself for the night.
350
00:21:20,289 --> 00:21:21,767
Yes.
351
00:21:21,768 --> 00:21:25,048
This is the first Valentine I
remember that you don't have a date.
352
00:21:25,049 --> 00:21:27,007
I was thinking that earlier.
353
00:21:27,008 --> 00:21:28,087
You all right?
354
00:21:28,088 --> 00:21:30,087
I'm fine, Mammy.
355
00:21:30,088 --> 00:21:33,208
YOU'RE the one with the date.
Are YOU all right?
356
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,327
I'm nervous, but I'm excited.
357
00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:37,847
Cathy, you know the thong thing?
358
00:21:37,848 --> 00:21:38,887
Yeah.
359
00:21:38,888 --> 00:21:42,168
You know the skinny bit, does that
go to the front or the back?
360
00:21:42,169 --> 00:21:43,847
The back!
361
00:21:43,848 --> 00:21:46,167
I fuckin' knew it!
362
00:21:46,168 --> 00:21:49,048
I'm flossing the ying yang
off meself.
363
00:21:57,328 --> 00:21:59,208
Cathy, what if he doesn't turn up?
364
00:21:59,209 --> 00:22:02,367
Ah, Mammy, he will. He sounded keen.
365
00:22:02,368 --> 00:22:06,008
He did, didn't he?
And I've been practicing me opera.
366
00:22:06,009 --> 00:22:08,167
♪ Na-hiiiigh, ho-ho!
367
00:22:08,168 --> 00:22:09,727
♪ Liii-ckim!
368
00:22:09,728 --> 00:22:11,488
♪ Naaaay! ♪
369
00:22:13,928 --> 00:22:16,328
That's as far as I get,
then I get dizzy.
370
00:22:18,008 --> 00:22:20,447
Mammy, fellatio is...
371
00:22:20,448 --> 00:22:21,648
Hard to fuckin' sing!
372
00:22:22,968 --> 00:22:25,887
Forget it, Mammy. Have a good night.
373
00:22:25,888 --> 00:22:27,248
Good night, love.
374
00:22:35,528 --> 00:22:37,367
How do you do?
375
00:22:37,368 --> 00:22:38,728
How do you DO?
376
00:22:42,328 --> 00:22:44,248
How do you DO?
377
00:22:45,368 --> 00:22:47,208
Hello there.
378
00:22:49,088 --> 00:22:51,168
How do you do?
379
00:22:53,408 --> 00:22:55,688
Frighten the shite out of him!
380
00:22:57,888 --> 00:23:03,407
Oh, do sit down, please, do sit
down. Make yourself comfortable.
381
00:23:03,408 --> 00:23:05,208
Oh, don't show me that!
382
00:23:07,328 --> 00:23:09,128
I am a virgin!
383
00:23:18,128 --> 00:23:22,408
Oh, there's a candle
to say I love you.
384
00:23:26,728 --> 00:23:30,328
And that's a candle to say
keep your fuckin' hands to yourself.
385
00:23:40,048 --> 00:23:41,328
Hello?
386
00:23:42,688 --> 00:23:45,887
Yeah, Harry... hello.
387
00:23:45,888 --> 00:23:47,368
Are ya lost?
388
00:23:49,648 --> 00:23:50,728
Yes.
389
00:23:53,808 --> 00:23:54,848
I see.
390
00:23:56,128 --> 00:23:58,567
No, no, no.
391
00:23:58,568 --> 00:24:01,048
Well, keep in touch.
392
00:24:03,088 --> 00:24:04,847
Oh, lovely.
393
00:24:04,848 --> 00:24:06,648
He's not feckin' coming!
394
00:24:08,528 --> 00:24:10,807
Ooh, hoo-hoo!
395
00:24:10,808 --> 00:24:12,808
Hee-hee.
396
00:24:27,168 --> 00:24:28,847
Shh, Betty!
397
00:24:28,848 --> 00:24:31,648
Knock, Cathy, don't just barge in.
398
00:24:32,808 --> 00:24:33,968
It's open.
399
00:24:38,088 --> 00:24:40,967
Oh, God, I don't think he turned up!
400
00:24:40,968 --> 00:24:44,366
Hello, girls. Hiya, Mammy.
What are you two doing here?
401
00:24:44,367 --> 00:24:46,326
We were just heading
down for a drink.
402
00:24:46,327 --> 00:24:48,488
We thought we'd drop in
on the way to meet Harry.
403
00:24:48,489 --> 00:24:51,447
Well, tough luck.
He didn't come, did he?
404
00:24:51,448 --> 00:24:53,088
He didn't even arrive, love.
405
00:24:58,448 --> 00:24:59,926
Jesus, is this an invasion?
406
00:24:59,927 --> 00:25:02,728
What are you doing here and who
are them feckin' flowers for?
407
00:25:02,729 --> 00:25:03,768
You.
408
00:25:05,328 --> 00:25:08,608
I didn't tell ya, but my son didn't
know it when he had a good thing.
409
00:25:10,088 --> 00:25:11,728
Happy Valentine's Day.
410
00:25:16,488 --> 00:25:18,527
They're beautiful.
411
00:25:18,528 --> 00:25:20,408
I haven't had Valentine's flowers...
412
00:25:20,409 --> 00:25:21,728
ever.
413
00:25:23,168 --> 00:25:25,248
"Property of St Francis Cemetery."
414
00:25:26,848 --> 00:25:28,248
Ya bastard!
415
00:25:29,848 --> 00:25:32,168
You're just looking
for another tablet.
416
00:25:32,169 --> 00:25:34,127
Here, off with ya.
417
00:25:34,128 --> 00:25:36,926
And the next time you're in a
graveyard, Grandad, hold on there.
418
00:25:36,927 --> 00:25:38,408
Save us all the fuckin' walk.
419
00:25:40,368 --> 00:25:42,728
Who's the lucky girl?
Molly or Nelly?
420
00:25:42,729 --> 00:25:43,888
Both!
421
00:25:45,568 --> 00:25:47,368
We're having a threesome!
422
00:25:51,048 --> 00:25:53,407
What are yous doing here?
423
00:25:53,408 --> 00:25:56,128
I had to tell ya what Dermot
did for me for Valentine's.
424
00:25:56,129 --> 00:25:58,128
What? A bus.
425
00:25:59,848 --> 00:26:01,407
A whole bus.
426
00:26:01,408 --> 00:26:05,247
And it reads, "Maria Brown
is the most wonderful wif
427
00:26:05,248 --> 00:26:06,688
"and mother in the world..."
428
00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:10,128
Wif? What's a fuckin' wif?
429
00:26:12,128 --> 00:26:16,607
It doesn't matter.
"..and I love her."
430
00:26:16,608 --> 00:26:19,408
Now that's what I call romance.
Well done, Dermot.
431
00:26:20,968 --> 00:26:23,448
What are you doing here?
It's in the script.
432
00:26:25,888 --> 00:26:28,606
Well, there's one you can tell
your children when you grow up.
433
00:26:28,607 --> 00:26:31,848
"There was a time when I
was a fuckin' typing error."
434
00:26:36,328 --> 00:26:38,247
Oh, not you two, as well!
435
00:26:38,248 --> 00:26:39,727
Howya, Mammy?
436
00:26:39,728 --> 00:26:41,648
Oh, my God! Did you see the bus?
437
00:26:41,649 --> 00:26:44,407
Isn't it fab? "I love Maria Brown."
438
00:26:44,408 --> 00:26:45,808
Not that, the other one.
439
00:26:45,809 --> 00:26:47,167
What other one?
440
00:26:47,168 --> 00:26:50,607
Well, it said
"Cathy Brown is beautiful
441
00:26:50,608 --> 00:26:52,968
"and she doesn't need her
tits blown up!"
442
00:26:55,768 --> 00:26:58,528
Who in the name of God wrote that?
443
00:27:07,048 --> 00:27:09,367
It's hot in here, isn't it?
444
00:27:09,368 --> 00:27:13,168
Not as hot as it's going to be
when I set fire to your eyebrows.
445
00:27:15,328 --> 00:27:18,207
Look, I'm delighted
to see all of you
446
00:27:18,208 --> 00:27:21,526
and I know you're disappointed
that my date didn't turn up.
447
00:27:21,527 --> 00:27:23,566
But it's still Valentine's night.
448
00:27:23,567 --> 00:27:26,248
So, go on, all of you,
go out and have a good time.
449
00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:29,928
Hold on, Buster.
450
00:27:33,408 --> 00:27:35,488
Maybe I will go for that drink
with ya after all.
451
00:27:36,928 --> 00:27:38,768
Mammy, will you be all right?
452
00:27:38,769 --> 00:27:41,087
I'll be fine. Go on, off with ya.
453
00:27:41,088 --> 00:27:43,568
C'mon, you!
Cathy, can I hold your hand?
454
00:27:43,569 --> 00:27:45,048
No!
455
00:27:46,448 --> 00:27:48,328
Baby steps, Buster, baby steps.
456
00:27:51,088 --> 00:27:54,128
Good night. Enjoy yourselves.
457
00:27:58,208 --> 00:28:01,728
I love to see young people going out
and enjoying themselves.
458
00:28:16,168 --> 00:28:18,128
Get up them stairs.
459
00:28:19,408 --> 00:28:20,528
Good night!
34304
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