Original subtitles

Throw yo' hands in the air!

If you have love in your underwear!

Latino people in the house, bark!

That's my people.

Black people in the house, whoop!

Let's take a moment to mourn the absence of my brothers and sisters.

White people in the house say...

I can barely say it, yo.

I almost gave myself an aneurysm there.

Well,

ready to take you all on a journey.

Give you a piece of my soul before the night is through.

Now, I was born in Latin America, because my mom's was there.

And when I was born, my mother was in labor for 48 hours, yo.

But my mother didn't care, because she was so

enthralled with that whole miracle of creating life.

And my mother was like... Ay, animal, grime!

Get this parasite out of me!

And my father's going... If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.

And the Peace Corps doctor's going... Push, Mrs. Liquid Zamo... Mrs. Leg-O-Lamb...

Mrs. Let's-Eat-Gumbo... Just push, ma'am, push.

But with what? Coño! With what?

Hey, doctor, we're paying you, so why don't you do some of the pulling, okay?

Well, I'm trying to. He's a stubborn little fuck.

Well, they're leaking there.

Come on, woman, get up.

We're going.

But Fausto...

He's half-way out!

So, my teen parents...

left the homeland during that great plantain famine of the late 60s.

And when they got to New York City...

their accents were so thick that they couldn't understand each other.

And my mother was like...

I found on me that chock full of nuts in the heavenly coffee.

What the hell did you just say?

Oh, how should I know?

I'm speaking English, no harder!

And from our little subtropical paradise...

we ended up in the loudest, most hectic melting pot in America...

Jackson Heights, Queens.

And on our way to our tenement building...

it was like the modern-day Tower of Babel.

All the colors of Benetton were there.

And they came running up to us.

Oh, you got to try the curry candy.

You got to try it.

It's gonna hole in your buttocks.

Very wonderful.

You got to try it.

You people go back to your damn country.

You multiply like roaches.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Hear them ring.

Booyaka, booyaka, booyaka.

This is not a library.

You buy this magazine or kick your ass.

So, my parents had to work like 80 hours a day, 17 days a week.

But no matter how busy my father was... he'd always make time to read us a bedtime story.

And my father would be like, OK, you ready?

Once upon a time...

there was a little rail-riding...

and she went into the...

and she got a green card.

And she lived happily ever after.

Now shut the fuck up and go to sleep.

And luckily for me...

my mom's was a lot more nurturing.

Well, all Latin moms are.

Because all Latin moms treat their sons like little Latin kings.

And that's where we get that macho shit going to the max.

And my mother was no exception.

Because since I was a baby, my mother would be like, Ay, mijo.

You are the center of the universe, papi.

You're all things to me.

Uh-uh.

Learn to share.

And remember, mijo.

Remember, any woman that fucks you...

will probably fuck somebody else, OK?

And you don't want to marry a whore.

No.

No, because...

because no woman is good enough for my little Latin king.

And I remember.

I was about, I guess, eight years old.

And I used to love to go to family barbecues at Flushing Meadow Park...

where about 50 or 60 of my cousins would get together...

barbecuing on one hibachi.

And yo... yo, we would play that salsa music so damn loud that...

it would interfere with NASA communications.

But the only person never dancing... was my grandfather.

Because we had him in our life support system.

My father was keeping him alive against his will...

because he wanted him to live long enough to suffer... what he made my father suffer.

And my poor grandfather would be like, John...

John, come here, papi.

Come here and pull the black needle, fool.

But, grandpa... you know I'm not supposed to put you out of your misery.

Come here and pull the motherfucking black needle now.

And it was on this very day...

that I came up with my theory...

that everybody has a nice grandmother...

and a mean, evil, insane, crazy Cujo one.

And I learned which was which...

when I ran up to my little white-looking grandmother...

and she was like, ah, bendito...

pobrecito... come...

come...

come here...

let me put a dress on you...

you little pussy.

That was the nice one.

So then I ran over to my little mestizo mulatto grandma Dulce...

who was a seven-day Adventist.

So she had some mad powerful beliefs, y'all.

Like that the Exorcist was actually a documentary.

And that since there were no Latin people on Star Trek...

that this was proof that they weren't planning

to have us around for the future.

And she especially believed this... after she tipped back a few fifths of holy water.

My grandmother would be like...

Lies!

Lies!

You are the Prince of Lies!

I don't drink.

I sip.

And I know who you are, Lucifer.

Now leave the body of my grandson, demon.

Or still, I'm going to purge you of your evilest spirit.

Lord bless these Jack Daniels.

Ow! Ow! My eyes! They burn!

That's because you're wicked.

Now let me finish the cleansing.

Changa!

Mandunga!

Mabunga!

Bacalao!

Chuleta! Chancleta! Panti! Bafuera!

Now, I didn't want to disappoint my Grams...

because this could be her last exorcism.

So I would just start speaking in tongues...

and transforming myself into Satan for her.

And I would be like...

Ba-ba-ga-noo-she-fa-ma-da-la-da la-ha-ba-da-la-ha-ma-da-la-ba-da-la-ha-

Ba-roo-ha-ta-ha-da-na-ya-la-hi-a.

I am Satan.

I've come to claim you as my wife.

Call me a crusty, old lady.

Call me a crusty.

Aye?

Satan?

You come for me!

Take me, I'm yours!

But Grandma... Grandma, it was just me.

I was just pretending.

Well, don't ever tempt me with Satan again, cabroncita!

Now, our apartment...

Our apartment was so puny, it was wishing it were a project.

We made up for it with our 70s Baroque Rococo style.

Yeah.

We had green avocado walls, this brown linoleum

floor, and this orange nuclear shag rug.

We were trying to recreate the inside of a papaya.

And the centerpiece, the pièce de résistance, was my father's television.

And it was this big-ass wood console TV.

More wood than TV.

But it was my pop's pride and joy.

And he would be polishing that sucker all day long.

Everything except the screen.

Yep, because he would let that get really dusty so that everybody looked nice and

dark and Spanish.

And my father also thought that the more you used it, the more you wore it out.

And my father would be like, I don't care what the

hell you do, just don't touch my television, okay?

And don't sit on the furniture.

It's only for the important guests.

Use the floor for sitting and a kitchen sink for eating.

And we're not going to buy you any more food if you keep eating it.

And every time my father had something important to say, the subway would go by.

Now, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but

we shared a wall with the IOT number 7 line.

So my father would be in the middle of a harangue and he'd be like, okay.

I'm only going to say this once.

The most important thing that I want you to do today...

Kick your ass!

But as soon as my pops was gone, me and my little butterball of a brother,

Poochie, who I renamed the fat boy called Bitch...

Yeah.

Well, because life had made him scared of everything.

So me and him, we'll become like a Navy SEAL operation team.

Aye, fat boy called Bitch.

It's 1800 hours.

And the Prince of Darkness won't be back for another two...

Prince of Darkness! John! You didn't tell 'bout no Prince of Darkness!

The Prince of Darkness is the man that we know as Dad.

Now, I'm going to give you the bubble wrap and you place it underneath the rug.

So in case Dad comes thru the hallway, we can hear him.

We out smarted the Ignoranus.

Watch this, fat boy.

Giganto.

Giganto the space age robot.

He's...

John!

Mom! What are you doing climbing in through the window?

Mijo.

The rent is due.

And what are you doing? You're watching the television?

You're eating the food and you broke...

You broke the antenna.

Ay, virgen Santa, Dios mio.

I'm looking into the face of a dead boy!

Ciao!

And in the hallway we would hear...

And I'll be fanning on that television like a

maniac because my father would feel it for heat.

Open up that damn door.

Tranquilo, papito.

Tranquilo, mijito.

We lived on Roosevelt Avenue.

Ay, Fausto, look at you.

You look so ultra-sexy.

Oh, yes, you do.

Run, run!

So why don't you go someplace and play a little game of mail-order bride?

I know how you feel!

No, woman, and put your nipple away, okay?

I just want to watch my television.

What the hell is all that damn static?

I can't tell Sonny from Cher, carajo.

Not that, not that. I'll fix it. I'll fix it.

And I move that good antenna for all I'm worth.

Like this, that, like that.

Like that, father, is just another word for love, isn't it, Dad?

No.

Move the other one.

Okay.

And I pretend to move that broken antenna.

Trump loyal.

Like this, that, like that.

Is that working for you?

Are you getting that reception that...

And my father...

field goals me across the room, and I was like...

Uh, you were in my way.

Let's take that back and rewind it.

So my father just field goals me across the room, and I was like,

Luckily, the nice hard brick wall broke my fall, and my head...

My head opened up like a pinata.

And I was like Dad, Dad, look at all the pretty candy and all the beautiful,

beautiful colors.

Have you ever seen so many beautiful colors?

And everything went black.

And as I was waiting to die...

I felt, my soul just leave my body.

Whoooooo...

And I zoomed out that window

Over Manhattan.

higher...

and higher...

as I was getting closer and closer to the light...

I saw God.

And as I was about to take my rightful place next to him...

I got a whiff of my favorite Chino Latino restaurant.

And they were making a fresh batch of shrimp fried rice and plátano maduro.

And all of a sudden, I didn't want to die.

I don't want to die. I want to live. I want to live. I want to live.

And I zoomed myself back into my body.

And the first words out of my mouth, with my newfound cosmic wisdom...

said it all.

Poochie broke the antenna, Dad!

Poor, slow, chubby Poochie.

Because I heard that poor little boy go off screaming.

He was like, no Dad, no!

I don't want to die!

My only brother.

Just beaten senseless with that damn antenna.

And all I could think was...

Thank God it's not me!

But I don't want to leave you with a bad impression of my father.

No, no, because my father wasn't always this brutal.

No, sometimes he drank too.

And when my father drank, he just became the nicest,

most lovable, huggable son of a bitch in the land.

And my father would go on the fire escape in his underwear.

Sit me on top of his lap and start with those playful hits.

Pooch!

Pooch!

And wailing.

Wailing to old world songs like if he was the king of everything.

That's right.

♪ For your damned love. ♪

♪ I can't end up with ♪ ♪ so many sorrows. ♪

♪ I can't end up with ♪ ♪ so many sorrows. ♪

♪ If we don't get enough. ♪

♪ Super super super super ♪ ♪ stupid super... Puta Moode! ♪

He doesn't know the fucking words either.

I'm here papi.

I'm here. Give me a kiss.

Come on.

What the hell are you cringing at?

What, are you afraid of a little affection?

I'm your father, you little faggot.

You kiss me right now, I'm going to punch the shit out of you.

No, Dad, no, Dad, don't hit me.

Don't hit me.

I'll kiss you.

I'll kiss you.

Well, not on the lips, you little freak.

You're so lucky to have a dad like me.

When I could be out there just fucking some hot, stinking women.

Oh, yeah, but am I doing that?

No.

No, because I'm here spending quality time.

Come on, Papi, I'll give you a shot, come on.

No, it's happy juice.

Come on.

No, Dad, no, Dad. It tastes like dookie.

Why don't you just quit drinking, Dad?

Because I'm not a quitter.

Come on, I'll give you ten bucks, you big baby.

Okay, Dad, okay, Dad, deal, deal.

I love you Dad.

Oh, that's my boy.

That's my boy, my little drunkaholic.

That's why I'm gonna share my secret scheme with you.

But if you tell anybody, I'm gonna have to kill you.

Because I haven't even...

I haven't even told your mother this, but...

I'm gonna rent every room in this apartment.

Until I own the building, until I own the block, I'm gonna be the king of tenements.

The Latino Donaldo Trompo.

That's right, because I didn't come to this country to be no goddamn servant.

That's right, my father is no goddamn servant!

Okay, calm down.

Dad, Dad, I got, I got a little secret, too.

Yup.

But I'm gonna have a drink before I tell you.

It was me who broke the antenna!

See. See. I knew you'd understand Dad, 'cause we was talking man to man.

But, Dad!

No Dad! No!

It was Poochie, like I said the first time!

No! Mom! Mom!

Now, those were the best times that I ever had with my pops.

But then, of course, puberty hit.

And I quickly realized that I could have a much better time by myself.

Oh yeah.

And I guess I was about, I was about 12 years old

the first time that I accidentally masturbated.

Yeah, because I was just cleaning it, and it went off.

And I thought I broke it.

'Cause for the first time, something that wasn't pee,

leaked out and I was like, ew!

Ew, what the hell is that?

Ew, damn. What the hell?

Let me see if I can...

See if I can lift this chair...

with the phone book, the radio, and my father's shoes.

How about a tie?

How you like me now?

And out of nowhere, my father's at the door and he's like,

you're not doing what I think you're doing in there.

Not in my house you don't.

No Dad, no Dad, leave me alone.

I'm going mad.

Oh snap. Oh snap. My brother's toothbrush.

Ah, he never used anyhows.

And the door kicks open.

And my whole entire family... rushes into the bathroom.

And there I am, butt naked, perched on the sink.

What the hell are you doing?

Well I can explain everything Dad.

I was about to take a shower when I realized that I needed to change the light bulb.

With your erect penis.

Oh, I couldn't reach in my hands.

And what are you doing with your mother's panties on your head?

I thought it was a shower cap.

I swear, I swear.

I thought it was a shower cap.

And J-J-J-J-John.

What's all this goo on my toothbrush?

That's not goo.

That's not goo.

That's um...

That's um...

That's um... That's my new toothpaste.

Then prove it.

No Dad! Please don't make me Dad,

please don't make me... Grandma, quick, brush your teeth.

Brush your teeth, grandma, quick.

No, I'm not touching that cum.

Get away from...

So I have to seek my sexual awakening elsewhere.

And luckily for me, that summer I started going to house parties.

But unfortunately, my crew of inner city rejects...

Me and my rejects, we will be cowering somewhere way in the back of the party.

Totally misinforming each other about the secrets of sex.

Yo, John, come here a minute.

Let me tell you something, man.

You gotta poke a girl as fast as you can.

Otherwise, you're gonna lock up on your wood.

You'll have a bitch attached to you for the rest of your life.

Nah, man, nah.

Nah. Don't let a girl stick a finger up your butt.

Or you gonna turn gay or whatnot?

I'm serious.

I'm serious.

Yo, yo, yo yo, yo yo, yo yo, yo...

Pulling on your dick makes you bigger-er.

This for y'all's information. You know what I'm saying? It's on you, motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying?

I ain't talking to you, motherfucker.

I ain't looking like a dick, motherfucker.

Yo, fellas.

Fellas, I know how to make a man, pussy.

Y'all be taking dick, you tuck it between your legs, and you have a genuine man.

Back off, man. Back off. It's tight, man. Back off.

I was a very misunderstood child.

Especially for the rest of that summer.

But by the time winter came, my father's tenement scheme... had actually paid off.

And I don't even know how my father did it.

But he finessed himself a building in the Boogie Down Bronx.

You know they couldn't be tenants because they wouldn't be that happy.

And I didn't recognize my pops no more either because...

my father had become Neo-Rican rich.

And my father started wearing fake fur coats and fake gold chains.

He looked like a cross between Huggy Bear and Mr. Roper.

And then my father thought he was slick.

And he started bringing the other woman to the house.

When he was supposed to be taking care of me and my brother.

But me and my brother, we didn't care.

Just nah.

Because me and him, we would run and we would hide underneath the bed.

And we'd hear them sexing each other up.

And we would hear...

Take this and that.

Take it all you slut, you whore, you biatch.

And then my pops would say...

Hey, how could you talk to me like that?

Yesterday you said I was the best.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I said you did your best.

So then my father would be starving.

And we'd have to go with him to Katz's Deli with Amy.

Who was the other woman.

And Amy was this beautiful, beautiful Jewish lady.

Who always wore green lipstick.

Because I guess she was afraid red meant stop.

And the thing that burned me up about her the most was...

Was that she would just believe all my father's lies.

Just like that.

The biggest one being that we were Jewish.

Oh yeah, because Amy would be eating her food.

Turning everything a green mush.

And she'd be like... Oh, Mr. Leguizamo Berg.

You're so dark and exotic.

Are you sure you're Jewish?

Of course, I'm Sephardic.

You want the Kreplach or the Kasher Warnischke?

Whatever's clever.

I'm not like those demanding Schicksals used to go out with.

I'm the love of your life.

Oh, look at the angry punhams.

They're so cute, the little miscates.

What are their names?

Well, this is Abraham.

And this is Moses.

Say thank you.

Thank you.

Smile.

More Jewish.

So then my father got tired of us.

And he left us for my mom's rival.

And my mom, she became the queen of low self-esteem.

And my mother would run off periodically to improve herself.

So then my Uncle Sandy became my surrogate mom's.

And my Uncle Sandy, he was a little unconventional.

He's probably what you would call a triple threat.

He was Latin, gay, and deaf.

You laugh. But he was the wisest man that I had ever met in my entire life.

And he had taken his little room that he had, and he transformed it into his

laboratorium where he would do his mad experimenting.

And I remember...

I remember the last thing that he ever invented.

It was Spanglish sign language.

And I was the only one who could understand him.

And my Uncle Sandy would be like, John, Mira, I know things even God doesn't know.

Ay, po, qué escándalo me jodí.

Y mira, mami, mira.

And Christmas, and Christmas, I always made a lousy Santa ho-ho.

Because instead of filling up the stockings, I was always trying them out.

Uncle Sandy...

Uncle San... I want... I want...

I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Except for that part about liking guys and whatnot.

That's okay, John.

That's okay. Because I know that your father...

doesn't respect me.

But that's bullshit.

Bullshit.

Because feature this.

Many highly respectable individuals...

of ancient...

and modern times...

have been...

homosexuals.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Plato.

Michelangelo.

Disney.

And just because we were poor,

didn't mean that we didn't get culture either, because...

my Uncle Sandy would force us to go with him to Broadway...

and we'd go into these...

old theaters, a lot like this one, actually...

where he had mastered this technique called second acting.

Somebody knows about it over there.

That's where you mix with intermission smokers...

and then you slip in for free to catch a second act.

So I never knew how anything began.

And we would run into the alley...

and wait by the theater exit.

And my Uncle Sandy would be like, John, Poochie, smoke this.

No, no, no, no, Poochie.

Menthol for you, you're only nine.

So we stood by that theater exit...

and we smoked and waited.

But this play only had one act.

So...

my Uncle Sandy just kicked the hell out of that exit door.

And he yelled, FIRE!

FIRE!

Can't you hear me?

Pardon me, excuse me.

Don't want to step on your cones or your bunions.

Pardon me, excuse me, excuse me.

Pardon me, excuse me.

Poochie, I saw it first.

I'm going to kick your buttocks.

I said, every man for himself.

Did I tell you that, fat boy?

Get the hell out of here.

Oh, hello.

How you doing?

Hi.

Hello, Miss Ladies.

Good looking Miss Ladies.

How you doing?

My goodness, ma'am.

Why don't you run to the bathroom quick... before intermission...

and I'll watch your seat for you... because it's going to be crowded.

Go ahead.

I know you have to go.

Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...

Don't applaud, just get up.

So I got the best empty seat in the house...

but I was still all paranoid...

because I had no legal ticket or whatnot.

So I just hid behind my program.

And the whole time I was thinking...

damn...

I could be out there with my friends... and my friends just flexing,

having a good time.

But here I am at this musical, Chorus Line, and all of a

sudden I heard the name Morales on stage, and there was this Latin person there,

and she didn't have a gun in her hand or a hypodermic needle, and she wasn't a hooker

or a maid, so it was kind of hard to tell if she was Latin.

And everybody was looking at her, the way y'all are looking at me now.

And I was just, I was just listening and respecting her.

♪ And I dug right down to the bottom ♪ ♪ of my soul, to see what I had inside... ♪

♪ So I dug right down to the bottom ♪ ♪ of my soul, and I tried, I tried... ♪

You try my Latin, sister!

You set us free, mama!

You got... oh, shit!

And one of those pilgrim ladies grabbed me by the collar.

Ow, Lady! Ow, Lady! Get off me!

Uncle Sandy!

Uncle Sandy!

Uncle Sandy!

She was singing to me, man!

She was singing to me!

Shut the hell up and run!

And that's how I got culture, y'all.

So about a year later, my father, the genius for trouble that he was,

well, he got the other woman to use him up and spit him out.

And then on top of that, his tenement building burned down.

And my mom just took him back like nothing had ever

happened, because that's the way my mother was.

And my father just started to scheme it in Machiavelli it to get food on the table.

And with the luck of the Latin, my pops was made captain

of the top French restaurant in Mani-Hani.

That's Manhattan for y'all.

And I was so proud of my father.

I would just watch him every afternoon putting on his tux.

Like if it was a ceremony or something, you know?

And I would be like...

You the man, Dad!

Dad, you the man!

You look like a penguin, Dad.

Hey, easy with that, okay?

Hey.

Hey, do you know who came into the restaurant

the other day and tried to get into my pants?

Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh yeah, she's kind of fat now, so I think I got a shot.

Here's a little Old Spice in your face.

That's right, it burns, because you're wicked.

And this... this was an extra special day, because it was my brother's 10th birthday.

And I had a plan, because me and my family, we never celebrated a damn thing.

So I made sure my pops was gone.

And then I put on our best rust-colored leisure suits.

And I got me and my brother matching bow ties.

You look just like Dad, you little studnik.

You'll get all the fine females, ain't you?

Yeah, right.

So check it.

Check it, we're on the subway down to his restaurant, aight?

Yeah, because it's going to be a surprise for you and him, fat boy.

J-j-j-j-j-j-John, it's my birthday.

I don't want to be called fat boy no more.

I'm a man now, okay?

Okay, fat man.

And when we got to the restaurant, it was this fancy-schmancy swanky place.

And they didn't yell your order over a microphone.

And they didn't have no playground up front.

And this big French guy just comes running up to us.

Ah, bonjour, qu'est-ce qui passe avec toi, mon petit gamin, hein?

And I cut him off.

I said, excuse me, sir, excuse me, sir.

No offense or nothing, but...

we'd like to be served by the captain. A Mr. Leguizamo, please.

Ah, merde, merde, je ne connais pas ce nom, hein?

I'm not familiar with the name, hein?

Well, then, then, then, then, you must be new here because...

because my father runs this place.

Okay, okay, well, I'll see what I can do.

Why don't you sit down?

I'll be right back.

Yeah, and could you get us another water?

This one's got a lemon in it.

So me and my brother, we just sat there and waited.

And waited.

And then the kitchen doors opened up.

And there was this man in there who looked a lot like my pops.

But he couldn't be my pops because my pops was wearing a tux.

And this man was bending over the sink washing dishes.

And then the kitchen doors opened up again.

I got a better look.

Come on, Puchi, come on, let's go. I'm not in the mood for French food no more, man.

Come on, let's go.

I'm going to get your birthday some other place now.

Come on.

No, John, get off me.

Get off me.

It's my birthday. I want to see Dad order people around.

You see that at home all the time.

Every day now. Come on, little man. Come on. Come on.

Look, I'm going to get you a birthday pizza, huh?

I'm going to put candles and everything on it.

Come on.

All right.

All right. Deal, John. Deal. But, but, but, I want anchovies on my pizza.

Okay, John?

And John, did you make one of my legs longer than the other?

Huh, John?

Why you so quiet?

Why you ain't talking, John?

Wait up. Don't run, John.

Wait up!

Uh, you can't dance, John.

Nah, man.

That was whack, son.

I'm going to school you.

This is my dance.

Because I'm going to get laid tonight... my fertility boogie.

For you ladies in the club, you better check it.

Check what I'm saying.

You know what the fuck I'm saying?

Nah, man.

That sucked too, man.

I'mma school both of you's.

This is my dance.

Delegalization of marijuana.

Cause I'mma get high tonight.

You better check it.

I swallowed it.

Yo, fellas. Yo, fellas. It's my turn, man. It's my turn.

This is my dance.

Cause...

Cause I got acne.

And cause life sucks, man.

Yeah, cause fathers suck.

Cause they're liars and losers and assholes.

Yo, calm the fuck down.

It's my only day off.

Don't ruin it, man.

Yeah, man. Why don't you tell your mom to let her mustache grow?

You could call her pop.

Yo, shut up, man. Shut up. Come here, man. Come here let me talk to you, man.

Talk to you.

You know what my father calls me?

Calls me the little abortion that got away.

That's right, man. So what's the big deal? Your father's the captain, right?

That's cool, man.

Being a waiter, it's cool.

Not like being a dishwasher or nothing.

You know what I'm saying?

Know what the fuck I'm saying?

Yeah, I know what you're saying, man.

Know what you're saying?

That's why friends are better than family, man.

Cause you can choose them.

You know what I'm saying?

Hey, yo, fellas. Yo, fellas. This is my dance to friendship, all right?

Check it. Check it.

So my new attitude towards life really paid off.

Cause there was this girl in the club who had low standards.

And she fell madly in love with me because of my friendship dance.

So I went to her house in Jamaica, Queens.

Is that you?

I don't think so.

And I had made up my mind that she was gonna be the one to de-virginize me because

she was this ebony princess, this Nubian

bucket of love, my little Africanicus romanticus.

She was black.

And her pops was a black Muslim.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

So the first time I went over, I put on my best Elijah Muhammad bow tie.

Well, salaam alaikum, brother reverend, sir.

I'm here to pick up your daughter.

Well, well, well, well, you don't fool me, boy.

You don't fool me with that bow tie, boy.

You don't look like a Muslim. You're like Pee Wee Herman, boy.

And when I look at your white skin, I wanna kill ya.

But, sir, sir, I'm not white.

I'm Spanish.

Well, well, well, I don't wanna get caught up in your illegal Mexican situation,

boy.

I heard about you Mexicans...

buying up all the Cabbage Patch dolls to get the birth certificates.

I just tell her like it happened, that's all.

So after weeks and weeks of begging, some serious begging, she finally sneaks

me up into her room one night, so we could avoid her pops and whatnot.

And I couldn't believe, I just couldn't believe

that it was happening for me, finally, you know?

Especially because it was so goddamn romantical.

Oh, yeah, because she turned on the black light.

She put on some Al Green.

Suck it, suck it now.

♪ I... ♪

♪ I'm so in love with you. ♪

♪ Uh, uh. ♪

♪ Whatever you want to do. ♪

♪ Uh, uh. ♪

♪ Is all right with me. ♪

And there I was, in my Fruit of the Looms.

Glowing like some kind of UFO.

And I'm looking at my beautiful, beautiful black Venus.

She's looking at me.

And she's all like...

Oh my gawd! Oh my gawd!

You are the whitest mother-fucker I ever saw!

Yeah, but I love you and you love me, Yashica.

That was before you took off your clothes.

And besides, I forgot to tell you.

I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow.

And he said we should have intercourse 24 hours ahead of time.

Yeah, but...

You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow, do you?

You don't get it, do you, translucent man?

Oh my gawd!

Oh my gawd!

Hold on.

Hold on.

I can see your intestines, Guppy.

I'm gonna get my sisters. Hold on. LaQueefa! Sauntel! Come here! Oh my gawd!

Oh my gawd!

Yeah.

Yeah, sure she laughed at me.

She laughed at me because she was afraid of her passion for me.

And besides, I would save myself for the girl who really loved me.

Or any girl that would have me.

Whichever came first.

And in the mean-by, my father...

My father, he just got us into the red big time.

Because, let's face it, my father was born to undo himself.

So we had a downgrade to this poor white trash

Irish neighborhood called Sunnyside Queens.

Oh, you heard of it?

And I was devastated.

Because I lost my best friends.

I lost that girl who loved me.

And all of a sudden, we're the first Latin family in this neighborhood.

So we're like pioneers.

It's like manifest destiny in reverse.

And then one day, it was St. Patrick's Day.

And I figured, well, everybody's Irish on St. Patrick's Day, right?

So I fake ID'd my way into this Irish bar.

And there was this mad, sick-nice Irish girl.

Sick-nice.

You know the type, right?

Right?

Red-headed, freckled, drunk.

Okay, I'm bitter.

But I had too many green beers.

So I had to have her.

So I river-danced up to her.

And this voice emerged out of me out of nowhere.

How's the Emerald Island?

Did you ever fuck a leprechaun?

Well, what are you staring at?

Is my shenanigan hanging out again?

Well, you don't look very Irish to me.

Oh, but I am.

Black Irish.

All right, I didn't say any of that shit, okay?

No, no, what I actually said...

I actually said how much I appreciate Irish culture

and the great contributions that they've made.

U2, whiskey.

Cops, right?

And Scotty, Scotty.

Captain, Captain, the dilithium crystals are breaking up!

Oh, you got to see Trainspotting and Braveheart.

You go there, you do, and there's ten of you.

There's ten, but you go there and you don't.

You must be some kind of fucking moron.

Scotty's Scottish, asshole.

Sean, Brian, Blarney, this Spanish guy is bothering me.

Bothering me!

And the rest of her hooligan brothers, Grog, Mead,

Ale, Killian, Guinness and Stout, come at me.

What are you trying to get with our sister?

Hey, you dirty Puerto Rican.

I'll wipe up the street with you, you lying, oily wet dick.

I was outnumbered.

But I didn't care.

Because I did what any Latin kid who'd been

raised in the ghetto would do in that situation.

I was like...

I acted like a retard.

I didn't touch the pretty lady!

I didn't touch the pretty lady!

I gotta pee. Can you hold it for me?

Hold it for me.

So we had to move.

And my father wasn't too happy about that.

My father's packing up the car and my father's like, What are you, my goddamn

punishment on earth?

Some kind of horrible test from God to me?

Why you always trying to be like other people?

You're not even good at being yourself.

Let me tell you something, Papi.

When I go to the racetrack, I get a form.

And on this form, I listed the winners.

Not the also rans.

That's what you are, Papi, an also ran.

So get used to it.

Because your mother's family is full of them.

Starting with your Uncle Sandy.

Yeah, but that's bullshit, Dad.

So with those words of wisdom, we ended up in Corona, Queens.

I'm not done yet.

It was an all Italian neighborhood at the time.

So I was mad excited because I thought, These are my fellow swarthy Mediterranean

olive skin brothers and sisters.

And I came out of my apartment building.

And I saw these Italian fellas in this driveway polishing up this Camaro.

Hey, how you doing, fellas?

How's it going, man?

Yo, that's a nice ride, yo.

Is that a 76?

79, you dumb fucking spick.

You dumb fucking ugly,

dumb, dumb, dumb fucking ugly.

Dumb fucking ugly.

Dumb.

Dumb.

Hey, Joey, did I use up dumb already?

Yeah, Andy, why don't you try douchebag?

Hey, douchebag, douchebag, bo-fi-fi-fo-fucking-douchebag.

Uh, forget about it.

You know, before you spicks came here,

we had nice houses and big stores, no doubt about it.

Forget about it.

Yeah, I know, man.

I know, because we Latin people, man.

We Latin people, we're the bacteria of the universe, man.

Everybody knows that.

You know, we're lazy, we fuck too much.

And look what I brought with my welfare check.

A Guido joke book.

And to think, I almost threw away my money on crack, huh?

Oh, you're gonna like this one.

How can you tell if your baby is a Guido?

You give up?

He won't use the pacifier unless it's got hair on it.

Oh, shit.

So we had to move again.

And we were running out of neighborhoods.

And my father...

My father must have decided what I needed for my 16th...

my 16th birthday, because he packed me up in the Gremlin.

And my father was like, Come here, Papi.

Sit next to me and shut the fuck up.

I want to talk to you, okay?

Do you know that the average pinga is six inches long?

And the average vajinga is eight inches deep?

There are about two miles of unused vajinga in New York City.

I'm gonna help you find some, okay, Papi?

Okay, here we are.

But Kentucky Fried Chicken, Dad?

Dad, how's the Colonel gonna make me a man, Dad?

Not the Colonel Ball Pendejo.

There's a lady I know in there that batters

chickens by day and chokes them by night, okay?

Now, don't come out till you make me proud.

I'll be waiting for you right over here.

So next thing I know, I'm all the way in the back of the Kentucky Fried Chicken,

about to get some from some complete stranger.

And when out of the shadows comes a zoptic jerk, a German woman.

Ooh.

You're so dark and swazy.

And I feel sorry for you, so I will fuck you.

I'll think of it as war reparations.

And she puts me on top of the fryer, and she reaches down and she touches my

thing, and it was the first time that somebody other than

myself had touched my thing, so my thing was bugging out.

And my thing was like, John, come here!

Come here, John!

John, come here!

She's touching me!

I know, we're finally getting some.

John, she's pulling on me.

She's being a little rough.

I know, she's German. Shut the fuck up.

John, why don't you do it?

I like how you do it.

You know where to touch, what I like, what I need.

Then she puts me in her mouth, and he's like, John!

John, what is she gonna do?

Oh my god John!

Why didn't you ever do this before!?

Pinocchio!

Pinocchio!

And I look over, and she's butt naked, and she forcibly takes my hand and just

puts it on her little vertical smile.

Now, her coochie was... It was...

How should I put it to you people?

It was like a failed experiment from the island of Dr. Moreau.

And then she says to me, It's like a flower.

You have to unravel it.

She had the hugest coochie lips in the world!

It was like Dumbo.

And when I open it all, it makes a big Tupperware burp.

And then she makes the international cunnilingus sign at me.

I was scared shitless, y'all.

But I knew my father was waiting outside for me, so...

I didn't want to disappoint my father or nothing, you know?

So I just sacrificed a little general, and...

Just like that, I was like a porn star.

Yeah, you know you like it, baby.

Yeah, yeah, you know you like it.

And she's like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Time is up.

And she went to the window, and she grabbed the coochie lip in each hand,

and she flew away like a giant pink bat.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Mothra.

Thank you.

Did you do it, Papi?

Did you give her that twelfth ingredient, huh?

You do it?

Yup.

Yup, I did it, Dad.

Well, I want proof.

Proof?

But, but, but, Dad... Dad, I started with the international symbol of... Like this.

And it comes back, and it comes back...

So my father and I, we finally shared something together, God damn it.

But...

Back home, my parents' relationship...

just totally began to sour, because...

my mother became radical, and she started going to college.

And she was using big words against my father.

And my pops...

He just...

He just wouldn't let his tenement dream die.

So our house was literally like this big construction site.

We had...

We had holes and plaster and tenants everywhere.

And then...

His restaurant secret...

just started to eat at him.

And my father became evil.

And then one night, very, very, very late, my mother comes home.

And of course, she's unnaturally happy.

And my mother's like... I love the nightlife.

I love to boogie.

Say the ooh, ooh.

You know everybody.

Ooh, ooh.

Come on, people tell me ooh.

And my father becomes the Grinch who stole Christmas.

Who said you could sing that thing that you sing?

I am the king.

And nothing is what you should sing, sing, sing.

And you're late.

That I do not appreciate.

Do we make to wait?

I hate, hate, hate.

Ay, Fausto, you're being so... Dr. Seussian.

And besides, besides, lateness.

Lateness is such an amorphous and bourgeois concept, okay?

And what about the day before you got here at midnight, disco queen?

What the hell was that about, huh?

Ay, Fausto, Fausto, do you see how hard I work for you?

I'm practically a slave.

Lincoln.

Lincoln, emancipate me.

Break my shackles.

Woman, woman, have you seen your children lately?

Huh?

John is all sickly looking and stupid.

And Poochie's all fat and ugly.

Ay, Fausto, please, please.

Poochie will still be fat and ugly no matter what time of the day I got home, okay?

So don't talk down to me, okay?

Because I'm not about reproduction anymore.

I'm about "me" production.

Woman, don't make me have to teach you what respect is, okay?

Ay, Fausto, please.

Please.

Like a dishwasher could teach me anything.

Exactly.

Ooh.

Ooh, you're going to get it, woman.

Just keep it down because I don't want to traumatize the children, okay?

Okay, Fausto, okay.

No more talking.

Click.

Wait, wait, wait. Quick, quick. Who am I? Who am I?

Mm-mm-mm.

And my house becomes the World Wrestling Federation.

Saturday, Saturday, here in Madison Square Garden.

We have Leguizamo against Leguizamo.

Traído por Burger King y Pepsi Cola.

Let's rumble.

And my father jumps on top of my mother and he's got her down the ground.

Don't make me have to kill you.

Ay, Fausto. Fausto. You don't have to do anything you don't want anymore.

We're living in post-modern deconstruction America now!

Stop using such big words.

Okay, okay. Yes, yes. No, no. Pee-pee-doo-doo. Bye-bye.

And I'm in the kitchen with my brother and I'm

like, Poochie, Poochie, mom's not doing so well.

You're going to have to double-team his ass, okay?

So you go out there and kick his butt.

And I'm going to live on.

And my little brother,

my little brother, he's all like...

I can't.

I can't move, John.

John.

John.

John.

I can't move.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, little man.

It's okay. You know I got your back till infinity.

Now, if I was a weapon, where the hell would I be?

And I see this big-ass butcher knife that

my father had used on his father before him.

So it's like a family heirloom.

And I go out there with the courage of a little Jean-Claude goddamn.

If you touch my mom or anybody else in this house again, I swear to God you're my

father, but I'll fucking kill you.

What, do you think you're man enough to take me on, boy?

Fabito, shut up.

He wasn't talking to you, okay?

But, but, but mom, I thought... That's right.

Go back into the kitchen, cause you're a pussy and your mom's a puta bitch.

Fausto, I'm not a puta bitch, okay?

John may be a pussy, but I'm no puta bitch, okay?

Okay then, Jezebel, Salome, Samsonite, and Delilah.

You're a lousy cook, a lousy wife, and all the big

words in the world aren't gonna make you a good mother.

So I want you to get the hell out of my house.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'm gonna have to interfere on my own behalf.

Cause you don't get me twice in a lifetime, oh no.

And do you know why I can't be like other women?

Do you!?

Because then who the hell is gonna be like me, OK?

Calm down, woman. Calm down. You're having some kind of breakdown, okay?

No, Fausto, no.

I'm having a breakthrough.

Don't confuse the end of your world with the beginning of mine, okay?

And I just have one more thing to say to you, Fausto.

♪ First I was afraid, ♪ ♪ I was petrified. ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never ♪ ♪ live without you by my side. ♪

♪ De gracia, you're a puta. ♪

♪ Spending nights saying ♪ ♪ how you did me wrong. ♪

♪ And I'm strong for me mierda. ♪

♪ Hard to get along until ♪ ♪ you're back from outer space. ♪

♪ I just walked in to find you here ♪ ♪ with that sad look upon your face. ♪

♪ I'm gonna make some ♪ ♪ more words now, Fausto. ♪

♪ Because I can, that's right. ♪

♪ And you can't beat me no more. ♪

And Fausto, you want to speak back?

Eh!

Eh eh eh!

Because it's over Fausto, I'm free!

I'm free!

Ay coño!!

You and your goddamn construction!

Now that was a great song, wasn't it?

And it was an equally beautiful moment for my mom's.

But, unfortunately, the house is under my father's name.

So my father kicked us the hell out.

Oh yeah.

But I didn't care.

Nah, because...

I was gonna show him, I was gonna show the world.

You know, life was a bitch and so was I.

So with a fistful of dreams...

I went to college.

Got into UCLA.

Because I got a perfect 1600 on my SATs.

It's possible.

If you count all four times I took them.

And I was having a great time passing myself off as a white boy.

I was like, dude, so cool, so rad, dudes.

The waves are so dope, so cool, dudes.

I communed with a dolphin once.

Oh, shahaw, dude, shahaw!

So I got into a fraternity.

And amazingly, only two years later...

My fraternity brothers saw through my veneer and they ousted me.

So I took the first bus back to Times Square.

All depressed and whatnot.

And I thought, maybe...

maybe I'll catch the only show I could afford.

But they were having a private party.

So I decided to second act like I used to do

with my Uncle Sandy and go see a Broadway show.

And so I bogarted my way into this theater.

But once I was inside...

I find out that it's not a show.

But it's an audition.

For that great acting teacher Lee Strasberg something or other.

And I'm watching all these fellas go up and they're all doing Streetcar Named Desire.

Because that's what method people do.

And I'm watching all these Brandos and they're all like... Stella, Stella.

What do you think of some kind of queen?

Sitting on my throne I'm saying huh.

I'm saying huh.

And Lee Strasberg calls next.

So I just tried to fake it.

But as I'm going up my ears are ringing and the room is spinning.

I can't even breathe.

And I look at Lee.

And it comes out like Jerry Lewis.

Hey Stella, hey Stella.

What do you think, some kind of queen sitting on my throne.

I say whah, whah, whah, whah, whah...

And everybody was laughing at me.

Everybody but Lee.

And Lee's going...

I survived the Holocaust.

But I don't think I can survive your performance.

And he grabbed his chest and passed away.

But everybody was still laughing.

So I knew I had something.

So I was going to let his death stop me.

Until his assistant director jumps in and he's all like... Is this thing on?

Over here, over here kid.

Let me be frank with you.

We don't really want a Hispanic.

We want somebody who can play a Hispanic.

That's how the real world works son.

Thank you. Next.

Alright, alright.

How do you feel about playing junkies?

Oh anything man. Anything man. Give me a chance man. Give me a chance. I need a fix.

I'll suck your dick.

Anything man.

Give me a chance.

I fucking need a chance man.

I want to feel the patheticness and agony of your people.

Think Latino.

Junkie. Latino.

Okay baby, okay but I'm running out of veins, papi chulo.

How about if I stick it in my neck, huh?

How about my eyeball, huh?

Is that pathetic and Latino enough for you, huh?

If I shove it my goddamn, motherfucking eyeball like that motherfucker!

So I got the part.

And I'm in my first play.

And it's opening night.

And it's all the way downtown. I'm in Alphabet City, way downtown.

Hell, yeah.

And the name of the play is Junkie Christ.

I'm the lead.

And I find out it's a shadow play.

But there I am in my big crucifixion scene, giving it my junkie all.

Judas, you sold me for 40, baby!

And it's intermission and I run back to my dressing room.

And I got this shower curtain for a door and

this broken mirror and a flashlight on me.

And the place is funky and nasty.

But I'm in my element.

Yeah?

Yeah, who's there?

Who's there?

John, Papi.

Papi, open up, mijo.

Open up, Papi.

You're not doing what I think you're doing in there, are you?

Dad.

Dad, what the hell are you doing here, man?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Come in here, Dad. Come in.

So, did you see the show?

So, what did you think?

What?

You can tell me. You like it?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

If you like that sort of thing.

Yeah.

God, this place is depressing.

Yeah, but Dad.

Dad, I'm working all the time now, Dad.

I'm working real hard.

I'm getting lead parts sometimes, Dad.

I'm kind of legit all of a sudden.

Oh, come on, mijo.

Come on.

I always said if anybody could make something out of nothing, it was you, right?

What?

What's the matter, Papi?

I came down because I want you to meet my new son, Papi.

My Fausto Junior.

You gotta see the guy.

He's so much better looking, funnier, more talented than you ever were.

And I get a look in my face

like when you want to fart but you don't want to make noise.

That's great, Dad.

That's really great. I'm really happy for you, man.

I gotta go on. I gotta go back on dad, so...

And I can't see you after the show, Dad, because I told some people I was

going to meet them afterwards, so, you know, I'll catch you around.

Don't worry about it.

You never like me, do you?

No, you never like me.

You know what your problem is?

You know, your problem is that you had it too easy.

It's not like I beat you or anything.

You know, Dad, I'm glad you're going to therapy, okay?

But you're remembering somebody else's life, alright?

Because the shit you did to me and Poochie, Dad, is just unforgivable.

I don't want to hear those goddamn lies anymore...

But you're going to listen to me, old man.

You're going to listen to me, Dad.

Because I've been trying to get you to notice me my whole life, Dad.

And if you could...

If you could just be my hero for one minute, Dad.

Why can't you be my hero for one minute, Dad?

And do one thing that's going to help me forgive you.

You always got to fuck it up, right?

And now that I got something going good here, you want to step on it.

Now who's the also-ran, Dad?

I knew...

Oh, I knew...

I knew you were there that day at the restaurant.

And you never said a word, did you?

And I love you for that.

My way.

My way.

Maybe it's not the way you want, but you know,

life doesn't always work out the way you want.

So,

this is all you can be and this is all you can do.

Well, you go out there and you be the best goddamn junkie you can be.

Now come over here and give me a kiss.

Well, not on the lips.

And for the first time in my life, I saw my father.

The man in the tux.

And my father had never accepted what the world told him he was supposed to be.

And then it hit me right then and there.

That I could never escape myself, no matter how

much I ran or no matter how much I pretended.

That I was going to have to own myself.

And then everything would fall into place.

Then I could be master of my own destiny.

Just like my Morales in Chorus Line.

And every Moreno, Arnez, Puente, Cheech and Chong.

Freddie Prinze before me, who had to eat it, live

it, get fed up with it, scheme it, Machiavelli it.

And who dug right down to the bottom of their souls to turn nothing into something.

This is for you.

And to you, Dad.

Sub by hamonwheat72

What do you think I'm a freak?

I'm not a freak.

Am I?