Original subtitles

ALL: Happy new year!

Tell you what, that's got a great nose.

Can the baby have a little bit, babe? No! No.

BABY SCREAMING Put the plug in.

Where is the plug? The plug?

Dummy, he's yelling for his dummy. It was in my pocket.

But it must have fallen out when I went for a wazz at Maccie D's.

OK, we've got to turn around. Oh, no. We're not going back.

We can't do another hour in the car. He's so loud!

He really is. He's like a young Tom Jones.

Put a finger in, Robin. A clean one! I'll put it in now, babe.

OK. Suck on this, big man.

BABY QUIETENS There you go, son.

Thank God for that. Oh, what a relief.

OK, Robin, is there any way you can...keep your finger in?

Well, not for the next two days, no. He's got an extremely hard suck.

He really does. My nips are like

a couple of dog chews. You should see 'em.

Huh? Oh...

Pass the food around, Mum. I'm starving.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe actually, if we did go back,

we could get my eye mask. No way. Oh, come on, it's 11!

We've got ages! Until midnight.

I need it. But there's still plenty of Hootenanny pre-prep to do.

Oh, well, I won't be able to sleep. I've got to get in the sauna,

I've got to set up the fireworks.

Why are you putting the fireworks in the sauna?

No, they're two separate tasks, Cherry, my love.

And we're not going back for the eye mask.

Oh, Sam, take your food then, mate. SAM: I can't, I'm filming.

What kind of eye mask is it?

Like a make-up one, yeah? No, I just need to wear it to bed.

What, for sleeping or having sex with Paolo?

THEY LAUGH Hilarious.

Let's all laugh at Paul and his big boil.

I didn't even mention the boil.

Whoa, hang on, babe. Hang on. Oh, Sam...

Sam, seriously, take your food, mate. Just...just feed me it.

Feed?! I can't, I've got a finger in Atlas's gob. Oh, no, babe...

That's toppling, that's...

Oh, my... Sam! Sam! ALL GROAN

ATLAS CRIES Stick your finger back in, Robin!

Oh, Atlas is covered in nuggets. He's covered in nugs, babe,

he's covered in nugs. All right, relax, Robin...

I know, but he's covered in nugs, the baby's covered in nugs!

SAM: OK, then, Dad. I'm filming. All right, all right, here we go.

Let the...let the Jessop family fireworks...

..er...fuh, um...fantasaganza... That's not a word.

Well, I just wanted something starting with an F.

Um... Er, er... The Jessop family fireworks...

Flop? Fire? Fatal house fire? RACHEL GIGGLES

Oh, yeah. OK. Keep it light, mate. All right?

Fatal house fire! The family fireworks night

is meant to be fun, isn't it?

Is it? It's commemorating a terrorist attack.

Oh, yeah. Family fire... Jessop Family Fireworks Fun...

Feast... Can we just get it over with, please?

Oh, right. "Can we get it over with?"

Yeah, great attitude to have going into a fireworks display.

Not! Well, you always spin it out.

That's because I follow the firework code, Rach.

All right? Safety first. That's why I have a safety bucket.

And they're always crap anyway. Every year.

No, they're not. I've got...

I've got one called Satanic Apocalypse this year, Amy. Right?

Which is going to go off like a bloody scud. In a good way.

OK. Heh-heh-hey! A scud. Honestly. A dud, more like.

Oh, he's so excited, look. I know, it's pathetic.

I've never seen him so excited. I know.

Ooh, here we go. Right. Get down! Get down!

Why? Down? What? No!

Well, get back. Get back there, Mum. I am back!

Can we move it away from the hedge, please?

Not now that it's lit, no, no.

You must never return to a lit firework, babe.

OK? It's like the 11th commandment.

OK. This one's called The Meteor Shower.

Ha! More like the shit shower.

All right, Mum. Oh, my God.

Is that it? No, no, no. It's just it's...

You know, it's gearing up for its...

..for the big... Oh, there's another bit. Yeah.

No, I think that is it, yeah.

Are you sure these aren't indoor fireworks?

Ahhh! Of course I'm sure. Yes. Indoor fireworks.

Don't be ridiculous. The big fancy ones are hugely expensive, Mum.

OK? That's why the police are always seizing the unlicensed ones.

Can't you get some of those, then, as a cop?

DOORBELL RINGS Doorbell. I don't know.

Sam, that's Holly, isn't it?

ALL: Oooooooh! No... No, no, no-no-no.

Cos she's at a proper fireworks display with her dad tonight.

This is a proper display!

DOORBELL RINGS Yeah, all right.

Hang onto your member, it's the fifth of November!

Heyyyy! Oh, oh!

FIRECRACKERS POP Dance, Rachel, dance!

Dance, girl, dance!

Atlas!

You're going to wake up Atlas. Sorry. I've run out now anyway.

Yeah, well, you're going to have to clean that up now, aren't you?

I'll clean up. No problem, yeah. Like we discussed.

They're devil bangers.

I'm just going to bang Atlas in here in case the fireworks wake him up.

No danger of that. Hi, Cherry, Robin.

Interesting shirt. Oh, yeah. Cheers.

It's a cowboy one. Check this out.

Whoa. It's quick release, cos of the poppers.

Oh, wow. Do it up, it's cold out there.

Yeah, I will, actually, yes.

So come on, then, you two. Dish the dirt.

How's life in the old flatshare, shag palace?

The what palace?

Well, as in, you're both single now. I'm not suggesting you two were...

Although, you know, it's a free country.

Nothing wrong with it. Yes, there is. She's my grandmother.

Yeah, there is. That would be appalling, wouldn't it?

But she is an amazing flatmate.

I'm using Nivea, listening to The Archers.

It's ideal. I love The Archers. Here, what's happened to your car?

Do you know the front is all dented? Yeah. Mum pranged it last month.

No, I didn't... Oh, Rach. Oh...

Well, no, a bollard appeared out of nowhere.

Right, yeah, just sort of like threw itself into the road, didn't it?

As in, it wasn't there before...

They've put width restriction bollards up

at the end of Mercers Road.

What, for cars? Yes, Sue, not for people.

As far as I know. That would be controversial to say the least.

Oh, well, quite, yeah. My slimming club would be up in arms.

Oh! Actually... The radiator's damaged as well.

It's making weird noises. Hey, Robin, Cherry, you all right?

What has happened to your face?

Have you pranged that and all? Huh? The...

Oh, no. It was just shaving. Shaving? Yeah.

Up there? Yeah. Why? That's high.

That's very high. Is it? That's basically shaving your eyelids.

You shouldn't shave up there. It's sensitive. There's hair there.

Well, there shouldn't be. Ah!

I'm meeting the slimming club at KFC in an hour, Paul.

So hurry up and light your big one.

Yeah, all right, I will... Hang on, sorry, you're meeting at KFC?

Well, that's not slimming, is it? As if you need a slimming club, Sue.

You've got a cracking little bod.

Well, I could do with losing a few pounds, to be honest, Robin.

Come off it. So if anyone's wondering

what to get me for Chrimbo,

I do need some scales. SAM: Oh, right.

Bathroom, not fish. SUE LAUGHS

Can we please finish these terrible fireworks?

Don't say that. It's going to be fantastic.

I'll get my coat. Hang on. CHANTS: Fireworks!

OK, this is it. Satanic Apocalypse.

I am become death!

Destroyer of worlds!

SAM: Just light it. Haw-haw-haw-haw-haw!

ROBIN: Hurry up.

OK. She's lit.

Oh, dear.

Come on, big boy. Yeah, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Ah... Ooh! Oh...

Yeah.

THEY EXCLAIM QUIETLY AND CHUCKLE

Very farty, isn't it? ALL AGREE

Yeah, they're all farty.

Silence, please, for Satanic Apocalypse.

Ooh! Oh! Pardon me.

THEY LAUGH Agh! This is serious, guys.

Er, by the way, y'all, what are your plans for NYE?

Because we get back from Chezza's folks' on the 29th.

NYE. What's that?

It's short for New Year's Eve.

Short for New Year's evening. Yeah.

Are you still thinking about doing a party, Rach?

Um, I don't know. Maybe, yeah.

Sorry, a party, as in, us hosting a party?

We're not hosting a party, Rach.

We haven't done it for about ten years.

I thought it might be fun. For the guests, yeah.

Not for us. Buying beer, reminding people to take their shoes off,

scrubbing sick out of the curtains?

I'm so sorry again about that. It's all right. It's OK.

I just thought it'd be nice for us all to be together, you know?

Doesn't matter. We're not going to be together, are we?

Mum's going to be with the slimmers,

Sam's going to be with Holly's lot,

and Amy, she's going to be working at the pub, right?

If Lena can't find somewhere better to go, yeah.

Well, I'd organise it all. What, like you organised

fixing the car radiator?

You haven't even taken the car to the body shop.

The Body Shop? They don't do cars.

They do soaps and creams and things like that. No, Mum.

Body shop as in the garage, Mum.

Ga-rahge? Yeah. Ooh, la-di-da!

Get you! It's gar-rige, mate.

Oh, God. ROBIN IMITATES FART

SAM: Satanic Apocalypse is finished.

And it was - drum roll, please - shit.

Oh, yeah. Great.

65 quid down the drain. 65 quid?!

Yeah... Oh, do the spinny one, the... Whatsit, um...

Oh, the lazy Susan. I love that one. Catherine Wheel? Sure.

Well, look, we are thinking about renting an Airbnb cott-ahge

for New Year, if anyone wants in on that.

Yeah! Yeah? That's great. We should do that.

Let's do that. Why? So you can argue in front of Hootenanny

in someone else's house?

SAM: Don't hammer it too hard, Dad.

Huh? But we can't afford it anyway, can we?

No. Well, you can if you Airbnb this place and all.

And then you use the money to rent somewhere else.

It's like Wife Swap, but houses.

Exactly, it's a premier life hack.

There's actually no downside. No, I want to have a party.

OK, so look, if no-one wants to Airbnb this place,

then we'll do a party. But let's just try it.

You know, we could go somewhere really romantic, like, um, Devon...

Ooh-ar. ..or Wales, etc. Leeds. No.

Devon. I just think it'd be really good for us, babe.

You know, just a total change of scenery.

Mm.

It's not spinning. Oh, God!

SAM: Oh, no. Dad hammered it in too hard.

It's burning the shed!

Oh, God. Right, get the safety buckets out!

The safety bucket. Oh, God. AMY: I knew this would happen.

ROBIN: It's quite exciting, to be fair.

It's a lot better than the fireworks.

SAM: Yeah, stop shaking it, Holly. Seriously!

I want to know what it is.

Yeah, I know, and you'll have to wait till tomorrow, won't you?

It's a record player, isn't it? I'm not telling you.

No.

Maybe. PAUL: Oh, yes, he's done it!

What is it? He's done it! Dad?

Hello, Holly, hi. We've done it, Rach. We've only bloody done it.

What? What's happened, Dad?

Huh? Someone's booked our house for New Year's.

Get in there! Oh, what a shame. Huh?

Oh, Paul, well done. Thanks, Mum.

Well done? You didn't do anything.

If you list it, they will come, I guess.

So weird. Why would anyone want to rent this place, huh?

What do you mean? To visit Bedford, of course.

You know, you could go to the Bedford Autodrome.

Which is closed until next year.

Castle Mound's open all year round. Yes, you can walk the mound.

Thank you, Holly. You could go to... You could hit the skate park.

Uh, you could go to Wickes! Wickes? Who cares, frankly.

We've got renters which means we could book a place for ourselves.

And don't have to have a party,

which is actually what you're pleased about.

Yeah. Where do you want to go, Rach? I want to stay here.

The UK is our oyster. As in cold, wet and gross.

Don't call the UK gross, Amy! All right?

Why are you even here? What, in the UK?

No, in the house. To get my work shirts ironed.

Oh, no. Does that mean you're definitely working next week?

Yeah? Well, I haven't heard about any parties, put it that way.

You could always join our slimming group.

We have booked an 11-course meal.

11 courses, Mum? Seriously?

Yeah, well, three of them are soups.

CAR HORN HONKS Oh, what's that honking sound?

Oh, that'll be my dad.

Oh, yes. Oh, let me come and say hi.

SAM: Please don't. Well, no...

Mum, can I say goodbye to Holly myself, please?

Oh... Oh, yeah, I understand.

Um... Merry Christmas.

Thanks for my not a record player. See you next week.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Sam!

Yeah, what? Sam, you got a nugget? Oh, my God... Robin?

Sorry, try not to look at the harness. The state of you.

The junkyard! Oh-ho! Sorry to burst in like this, Rach.

Just need a nugget. Yeah. What were you talking about?

Oh, just... We're down the climb centre,

down the road, and we need a nugget for the lockers, so...

Oh, my God, I am hot. What is a nugget? Yeah, a nug, you know...

Nugs Bunny, Nugsy Malone. Pound, pound coin. A pound?

You've come all this way for a pound?

Hi, guys. Hey, look, we got a booking for New Year's.

Yes! So, Mission Cottage Rental is a go, go!

That is excellent. Oh, Paolo...

You've been shaving under your eyes again.

Well, not under my eyes.

I mean, I'm thorough, but... That's infected, now, look.

Yeah. Hence the nubbins. Nubbins? What nubbins?

What are you talking about? Weird. Ah, don't touch the nubbins!

Ow! You need to pop those before they turn into boils.

Boils? I won't get boils, will I? Don't pop 'em.

Once you pop, you can't stop. Yes.

You want to milk them. Exactly. Get 'em hot, in the sauna, something.

Then milk them. You know, like you'd milk, I don't know...a rat.

A rat? Have you milked a rat? Not yet.

No. Yet?

Find a place with a sauna for New Year,

then we can milk them there. Job's a good 'un. Yeah.

Yeah, but make sure it's still sort of rustic-y and cosy.

Oh, it will need a ma-hoosive garden, though,

because I've got hold of some more fireworks. Oh, man...

Really? Huh? What? Please.

Please don't make me sit through another of your endless

colourful fart displays.

These ones are, these... No. These ones are good, all right?

They're big unlicensed ones from Slovenia.

I got them from the Bedford police auction.

Oh, OK, OK. Yeah? They're going to be banging! OK.

Literally. Right. Who wants a pound, then?

Oh, yes. Us, please, Susan, yeah.

OK. Oh, my God!

You look like a couple of VW Beetles.

Oh, yeah. The love bugs! Ugh, ugh!

ALL EXCLAIMING

We eat in here. ROBIN: No, we're just... Sorry.

Mid sesh at the climbing centre. Hence the harnesses.

The harnii. You're into climbing now, are you?

Well, I am, Rob just does the ropes for me.

Yeah, I do enjoy it, but, um... No, obviously there's no future in it.

SAM: What? Why not? Well, two words. Sam. Jetpacks.

That's one word, isn't it? It could be, actually. Yeah.

The point is, Elon reckons that... Elon Musk. ..that by 2030,

we will be all on...tssssss!

..jetpacks. So... Everywhere.

We won't need to climb and we probably won't even use stairs.

What?! You're not going to put a jetpack on to go to bed, surely?

I think I'll be looking for any excuse I can to use it,

to be honest, Sue. Especially if I bought it.

It's going to be expensive. Right, well... Classic you.

..I'm off for lunch with the slimmers

if you two want a lift back to the climbing gym.

S'il vous very much plait, Susan. I'd love that.

Lunch? It's 10.30. Well, I know.

It's an all you can eat place, so we want to get there nice and early.

A slimming group doing all you can eat?

Good idea, that. Well, it works out cheaper.

Oh, OK. Some of them can really put it away.

Oh, great. Come on then, boys.

Surely. Merry Chrimbo, Jessops.

Yeah, same to you, Dean... That's our milk.

Um, whose present is this, by the way?

SAM: Oh, yeah. That's one of mine for Granny, I think.

Did you not label yours? Well, no, but it will be, I think.

Is there not a sort of thatch-y type one, you know?

No, the ones with saunas tend to be a bit more... Naff?

Suburban. Suburban, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

No, just leave it, Rach, all right? OK. I promise you,

I will find somewhere absolutely amazing.

OK. OK?

Yeah! Whoop, whoop!

Yay! Here we are! This is it. Number 65.

Huh? Good, huh? What do you think?

SAM: I mean, it's exactly like our house. Huh?

No, that's lazy journalism, Sam.

I mean, our bay windows are a lot lower than those.

A bit lower. It's like your road and all.

Can you stop? We're in the West Country.

OK? It's a completely different vibe, you know?

And the air is thicker and saltier.

Oh, are we near the sea, then? No. No, well,

we had to prioritise the sauna... You did. ..over the coast.

This is like The Twilight Zone.

What? We've basically rented our own house, but in Devon.

Yeah. What are you talking about?

ROBIN: Oh, you've got that plant pot. Oh, yeah.

Nice, eh? Lovely. No, no. God, it even smells like our house.

Exactly! It smells great.

As long as they get Hootenanny down here, I'm easy, to be honest.

Is he asleep yet? Uh... Ooh, I'll check.

Yes! He's down.

Oh, my God. Babe, look at your finger.

Oh! Oh, that's not good.

I think it's dead. He must have sucked the life out of it.

Order some new dummies on Amazon, get 'em here quick. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God... I'm worried about that. SAM: What?

God, it's so soft. Huh?

You guys have got to try this tap water. It is seriously soft.

It's like another world. OK... Great.

So we've travelled five hours for softer water.

Just water, really. And the sauna. Let's crank up the sauna!

Help me find it, Sam. Oh, my God, babe.

Amazon are saying next year for dummies.

What?! Yeah, it's the 31st of December. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So that checks out then, doesn't it?

Hang on. Where is Sam sleeping? Cos there's only two bedrooms.

Yeah, yeah, he's on a camp bed in our room, unfortunately.

Ah, OK. Nothing says romantic mini break

like having your 17-year-old son in the corner of your room.

Why aren't you with what's her name, your girlfriend, then, Sam?

SAM: Holly? Yeah, we had an argument.

Yeah, he got her some bathroom scales for Christmas. By mistake!

Oh, Samuel. You dipshit!

Yeah, they were meant for Granny.

I said sorry but she was really not happy.

Obviously. No kidding.

Oh, my... Guys, you have got to see this!

It's Amy, hang on. Amy? Everything all right?

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Whoo! A ga-rahge sauna! Hang on. Gar-rige. That's better.

Oh, yeah. Your boil is going to pop open like a pinata.

Oh, gross. Can you wait until after we've been in to do that?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I promise I will not touch the boil

until I am as hot as Hades, Cherry.

That is a cast iron promise. Are you coming in then, Robin?

Oh, just a bit, mate. Ohh! Oh, no...

It is not a cowboy one, Robin!

That's the third shirt I've ruined like that, honestly.

That was your Christmas present and all, you doughnut.

I'm so sorry, babe. I've got a spare one in my bag, but...

Oh! Yeah? Something's happened.

Yeah, Robin's buttons. We'll clear them up.

No, no, no, I mean at home. That was Amy.

Her friend Lena has found out about a party.

Well, Amy's working. She can't go. No, I mean,

as in, at our house.

They've been invited to a house party...at our house.

Well, that doesn't work. We've rented it out.

No, exactly. Well, the people that have rented it

aren't going to want that, are they?

The people that have rented it out are the ones

that are throwing a party. That's why they rented it out. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, they can't do that, can they?!

Well... Course they can. It happens all the time.

Jelson's done it several times.

Why didn't you say?! Why didn't you mention it?!

When you told us to rent our place out? For goodness' sake!

No downsides, you said. Yeah. Apart from that.

Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to go back.

Oh, no! We have to. No way!

I haven't even gone in the sauna yet.

Well, could you get any of your rozzer mates along?

Shut it down? Yes, yes, yes!

Well, no. I mean, there's nothing illegal

about a house party, is there?

Oh, Jesus Louisus!

The house... Right, no, I'm just going to go in the sauna

for a little bit and just work things out.

I need to work out what to do. How's that going to help?

He's in. In he goes. Um...

Oh, that's coming off.

He's getting naked. Oh, my God. Could Sue shut it down?

Sue? No. That's a lot to ask, isn't it?

For a 77-year-old lady. A sprightly one.

She's with her slimmers anyway. What about Dean?

Dean is on a pub climb with the crawlers.

I don't trust him anyway... A pub crawl with the climbers. Sorry.

I'll give him a call. Oh, come on, we have to go.

We have to go. Come now, please! He's not happy.

It's a five-hour drive. Got to go, mate.

HE GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION

Got to go. You! Me?

I haven't even got a sweat on yet.

Why are you blaming me?

Could Holly maybe go round there, do you think, Sam?

SAM: No, she's ignoring me.

What about Amy? Yeah, she's going to leave work early

and get to the house. Sue's on the sixth course out of 11.

They're going to head over once they've paid up.

Well, we might need a bit more muscle than that, though.

Do you know what I mean? If you want to chuck them out.

SHOUTS: Deeeeaaano!

Shhh! Deano! Shut up. Sorry. Er, yes, brother.

Did you get my, uh, textual intercourse?

Robin! Ah. No, babe. It's funny.

It's not funny at all. It is. It's gross.

Um, just a bunch of renters who are having a party.

Well, get down there and, you know, boot them out.

Yeah, no mercy. Sweet.

CLANKING OK, love you too.

What's that noise? Deano is on it like a car bonnet.

Actually, um, what... Is the car...

Is the car all right? Oh, God. It's the radiator.

Yeah. Thought you were going to get that fixed.

Yes, well, we, we didn't, obviously.

Er, so, what does that mean? Um, i-is that bad?

It's bad, isn't it? Sounds bad. WARNING PINGS

Well, the car's overheating, look. Yeah, it's overheating.

But we can get home, right? Oh, my gosh. I don't know. Maybe.

"Maybe"? What do you mean "maybe"?

I'm so sorry. OK, OK, OK, OK. I should have fixed it. Look, look.

If we pump hot air into the cockpit,

we might be able to cool the engine down. OK. All right?

Yeah. Yeah, but... HEATERS WHIR

Ooh. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no, that's so hot, that's horrible.

Well, we can't put up with that.

OK, well, I'll have to open a window, I think. That's warm.

TRUCK HORN BLARES Don't open a window!

You'll wake Atlas, you bell.

OK, OK, sorry, sorry. That is unbearably hot.

How long till we get home?

Well, it was going to be a couple of hours.

But I'm going to have to go at 20 now... Oh, my gosh.

..to keep the temperature down, so it might be a bit longer.

Oh, dear. Or a lot longer. Sorry, everyone.

It is absolutely roasting in here, innit? Oh, God.

BUTTONS POP AND CLATTER

ALL: Oh! Ow! Babe, it is not a cowboy one!

Oh, not again!

Oh, come on. ENGINE CLUNKS

Come on, Beryl, old girl.

Don't die on me. Who's Beryl? Huh? The car. Oh.

The car's called Beryl. I didn't know it had a name.

SHE. She has. And it's Beryl.

OK. How far to go is it?

Oh, about half a mile. Our road's just here.

Oh, God. Half a mile. Oh, come on, Beryl.

Come on. Come on, Beryl. Come on, you can do it, babe.

Oh, I'm sweating like an absolute onion back here. Yeah.

You're sweating? I'm sodden here!

Well, you did ask for a sauna.

That's a good point, actually. How's my boil?

Your boil? Oh, ah, yeah, it's better. Yeah?

It must have milked itself on the drive. Oh, yes!

You know, I thought I could feel something

running down my face as we passed Newbury. Gross.

I assumed it was just more sweat. Oh, God.

Oh, this is wondrous news.

Can we just get out and walk? The car's well cranky now.

No, we can make it. We're going to make it, Beryl.

She can do it. Beryl. She's going to do it. Go on...

LOUD CRUNCHING Argh! Ah! Oh, my God.

Oh. Ooh, that didn't sound good.

Beryl's dead. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's just take a moment for Beryl, everyone.

What?

Beryl, old girl...

Oh, God, I can't breathe. ..we're going to miss you.

We're going to miss you forever. OK. OK, let's go. OK.

Oh. Oh, my God. MUSIC THUDS INDOORS

Is that music? Yes! That's UK ga-rahge, that.

This is unbelievable. Slow run. Look at this.

Oh, my God. Ah!

Oh, look! Oh, look at it! Ah!

Look at it! Oh, my God. Oh, no.

It's happening. I thought Dean was shutting it down!

It's bloody heaving in there. Yeah, he should be now, I think.

OK, everyone out!

This is an unauthorised party!

Happy new year. Yeah, happy new year. Yeah, yeah.

Robin, let's bang Atlas in one of the bedrooms upstairs.

Yeah, no, coming through.

Happy new year! Argh!

Well, OK. Oh... OK. Well, thank you.

No, Rach, we're supposed to be shutting it down.

I'm parched. I nearly died of thirst in the car.

Well, yeah, so did I. So, you know...give us that...

Mm. Mm.

Oh, God, that's good.

Oh...hot dog. That's really good.

Here, take that. Why's he dressed as a hot dog?

OK, ladies. HE CLAPS

OK, ladies. Let's go. What?

Yeah, you're leaving. Come with me.

Piss off. I'm not leaving with you, you sweaty old creep.

No, I mean, as... as in, it's my house.

So, what? I'm meant to fancy you because you have a house?

OK, boomer.

I wasn't...

"Boomer"?! I was born in 1978!

Yeah? I'm not...

This is my wife. Rach, can you help please?

I am, I'm his wife. This party is ending.

Yeah. We did not OK this.

What? This is our house.

What? It's 11:35.

Is it? Oh, let them stay till midnight.

Huh? It's 11... No, no. OK, no. No! That's not what we... No...no!

This is law enforcement, right? Yeah.

We've got to stop it now before something gets broken... It's 11:35.

..or stained... Yeah. ..or both. Mm. Or burnt. You know?

We can't just let people...

I mean, look, there you go. Put that down!

Oi! Lad! Put that bow down.

That bow is not a toy.

This bow went to the Olympics. OK. Yeah.

All right, we turfed out the shaggers and put Atlas in your room.

Great, great. Any sign of Dean? What? "Shaggers"? What do you mean?

There were shaggers in the...? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, no, he's in here. Dean! Dean! Dean!

What are you doing? What? I knew he'd do this.

Oh, yeah! It's you lot! Yeah, boy!

Dean! Dean! You're meant to be shutting this down!

Yeah, yeah, no, I know.

And then I got kind of drawn in and, well, lashed. Right.

But, look, they got tequila there, look. Have they?

Wahey! Guys, guys, guys.

We're not... We're not supposed to be drinking their stuff.

It's New Year's Eve - I want to have a drink! Yeah.

Happy New Year. Cheers. Up your bum.

Cheers. Up the bum. "Up the bum"?!

Paul? SAM: Granny's here!

Paul. Oh, we got here as soon as we could.

Oh, well done, Mum. Hi, hello.

Who...? Who...? Hi.

Did you bring the slimming club with you?

I did, yeah. They're all starving.

Starving? They just had an 11-course meal!

Three of them were soups. Yeah, I did tell him that, Bren. Yeah.

SAM: There's loads of food here, actually, Granny. Is there? Oh.

Don't worry, Donald - there is food.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, look, Bren - they've got garlic bread.

SAM: And there's chicken nuggets. That's...

Oh, there's Amy! Oh, my gosh.

Sorry, excuse me. Granny!

Amy! Hi! Oh!

Aww. Hi!

Oh, my goodness, you made it.

PAUL: That's my yoghurt, mate. Oh, this is...

Oh, happy New Year.

Put that yoghurt down.

Hi. Hi, sorry. Yeah, you can't be here.

This is a private party.

Oh, no, it's OK, Poppy - they're with me. It's cool.

No, it's OK because it's our house.

This is our house, Poppy.

No, no-one invited you.

Oh, I'm a friend of Lena's. Do you know Lena?

No. You're going to have to leave.

No, no, no, no. This is our house. Yeah.

That's us there. Exactly. In the photo. Yeah, anniversary.

OK, and we rented it out. So it's up to us, isn't it?

I mean...surely not.

Please, please, please, please, please let us stay. Please.

We're...we're good guests. We're good value as guests. Um...

Don't negotiate with them, Rachel. Well...

"Good value"? How'd you work that out?

You're eating all of our food. No, not all of it. No, no.

That's the, um... That's the slimming club, that's not us.

Yeah, Donald, slow down. Slow down.

And you're drinking our booze.

Yeah, but we've got fireworks, haven't we, Paul?

We've got fireworks from Slovakia. You can set them off at midnight.

Really? Have you?

Well, they're from Slovenia, not Slovakia,

but otherwise that's correct, yeah.

Yeah. All right, fine, yeah.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Genuinely thanking someone for letting us stay in our own house?

Mm. Yeah. SAM CHUCKLES

Robin. Yo. Help us bring the fireworks in. Yo.

This party is slamming. Dean, look after my bow.

OK, back up, everyone. This is a big unit right here.

Slovenian explosives coming through.

Look out, Sam. Give me some space to lay them out. OK, Dad.

STRAINING: Ah, dear.

Think this has worked out quite well, you know.

I know, I can't believe it.

I mean, they're basically throwing a party for us.

LAUGHING: I know! It's amazing. And everyone's together. Yeah.

It's everything I wanted. Aw. BELLS START STRIKING

OK, everyone, here we go. Ten! ALL: Nine! Eight!

Huh? Well, no, hang on. We're not ready.

Well, it's the countdown. They can't delay the countdown.

The fireworks are packed up. I need to lay them out individually!

Well, just light one of them, then.

They're stuffed together. I can't just light one.

SAM: So light the lot, then. Quick, Dad - it's midnight!

ALL: Happy New Year! The fireworks! Light the fireworks!

Oh, God, OK, I'm lighting them! RACHEL: Go, go, go.

OK, down! Everyone get down!

"Down"? "Get down"? I don't want to get down.

Well, back. OK, here we go.

FIREWORKS WHISTLE ALL: Ooh!

FIREWORKS POP AND CRACKLE

FINAL POP

SILENCE

ROBIN: Yes, Paul! That was sick! CHEERING

Paulo! Yes!

Dad, that was actually really cool. Yeah? Yeah.

I mean, it's a lot quicker that way, right?

I know, it's fantastic. That was mad!

What'd you think?

Er...I think, you know...

..fireworks.

ALL: # Should auld acquaintance be forgot... # Happy New Year.

Oi, Sam. Come on, mate. # Be forgot... #

Come on, link arms.

# Dah, dah, dah-dah, dah, dah... #

SAM: Holly!

# Should auld acquaintance... #

I don't know the words. I don't know the words.

Where's he going? Oh, Holly's here.

Should they be, you know...

..necking like...?

Oh! CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

OK, OK.

# ..syne, my dear

# For auld lang syne... #

MUSIC: Instrumental version of Auld Lang Syne

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0