Original subtitles

Whose cat is that?

# Happy birth... #

Who's eaten my mousse?

Now, take another one, Sammy.

I would, just in case.

You've already given me a pack of 12, Granny.

Yeah, they're only going for 36 hours, Mum.

They'll be fine. They're capable young men.

Sort of. Are they? Yeah.

That one's got his stuff in carrier bags.

Oh! Have you not got a backpack, Kai?

Ah, no. I've just got the cazzers.

Aw! Cazzers?!

I can't open the jar, by the way. Oh.

Oh, that's all right. Yeah. Thanks for trying.

OK, so, Sam... Mm-hm. ..if it does all go Pete Tong,

just keep heading downhill and you will eventually find water.

OK. What? Yep.

Don't tell them to drink water from the ground, Robin.

It'll be full of shit or frogs or whatever.

Don't do that, actually.

I've got two big bottles of Irn-Bru anyway. OK.

Exactly. Now stick to the Bru and shout for help. Yeah.

What? Shout for help, when?

When you need it.

If you need it. Right. Yeah. Scream, scream.

Oh, come on! Don't panic. It's only D of E.

He's not going to war. And he's 16 now.

We can trust him. SAM: Yeah. Thank you, Mum.

OK. That's the exact opposite of what you've been saying all week.

Right. Well, good luck at your nerd festival.

Oh! Did you still want to use my camera, Robin?

Oh! I do actually, yeah. Give it here.

OK, I got it. There he is. Hey! Hey!

Having a baby. Not with you, though, mate.

Yeah. I know, I'm not the dad. Yeah, well, don't.

OK. Goodbye forever. Aw!

Forever! Very funny. Very funny, Sam.

Listen, stay safe, all right?

Safety first! Yeah.

OK. Yes. I love you!

Just Sam, of course.

Bye, boys. Oh. Oh, his Pot Noodle's come out.

Has he dropped his bag. Yeah, he's... What are you doing, Rach?

He's lost his Wotsits.

Rach?

Ah! This one.

I'm already taking a bobble hat.

Yeah, but put this balaclava on top of that,

or probably underneath it, actually, given the bobble.

It's, like, 20 degrees out there. Yeah.

Mum! Big news, Mum!

Do we have any flares? Huh?

For Sam's D of E.

Well, he's not going to be wearing flares, surely.

No. To set off. Did you have any with your boat?

Uh, I don't... Why is he setting off flares?

He's not the Red Arrows.

He's not allowed his phone on a D of E

and, you know, it's in the wild at night, anything could happen.

This is central England, Rachel. There is no "wild".

Exactly. The worst that can happen

is that they get hit by a couple of golf balls,

or they eat in a Harvester.

Maybe you should wear the helmet in that case,

if they're going to be golf balls. What?!

I'm not walking around in a helmet like a toddler.

All right. What's your big news, Dad?

You said, "Big news." Huh? Oh, yeah.

Mum, I'm going to be a mentor, Mum!

What?!

What's that, Paul?

I'm going to be a mentor!

Oh! Yeah! What, like, half man-half horse?

Oh! No. That's a centaur. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not going to be one of them, obviously.

Uh, no, it's...it's like a, like a, like a role model.

A role model?! Yeah. You? Me.

Who for? The police. Yeah.

But you've only been there a few months.

Six months. Oh! Yeah.

So I guess they must be just really impressed with me! Right.

Oh! That's wonderful, Paul. I know, it is. Oh, I know, I know.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's an absolute boon, to be honest, Mum.

Yeah. Because I was really worried

that they weren't so happy with how things were going, so...

Really? Yeah. This is just so reassuring.

So, who are you mentoring, then?

Well, they buddied me up with this young officer called Lee.

Aw! Oh! Yeah, I know, I know.

He's, you know...

He's obviously underperforming and he needs my help,

so don't mention that to him when he comes over,

because he's bound to be anxious, the poor lad.

Is he coming here? Tomorrow. OK. Yeah, yeah.

So I just want to keep things super-duper chill, OK?

I don't want him to be too intimidated by me.

So... Hey, what's this? Banitsa.

It's Bulgaria's answer to the cheese toastie.

If the question is,

"Can you please ruin a cheese toastie?"

If he's got anxiety, I'm the one that should talk to him.

I'm trying to deal with that. Sort of.

You're worried I'm going to die

if I spend one night in Kempston Wood.

No. I'm worried that you might get lost or abducted.

"Abducted"? Who's going to abduct Sam? He's an absolute lug.

No offence. None taken.

And she won't let me go to Corfu in the summer with Kai?

Yeah. Rightly so. And you're taking his torch, too.

So you've been back to your Bulgarian quarry then, Robin?

Um, yeah. No, actually, I've sold the quarry.

It's full of dogs. Yeah. So, um...

No, I've bought a cooling tower now instead,

so I was checking that out. I wasn't.

No, Chez can't fly when she's just pregnant, in case her legs swell up.

Also, Sue, I got you something from the airport.

ALL: Oh! Eh up!

Oh, here we go. Hey-hey! Oh, you remembered!

Oh! Gross! You and your gherks!

Eugh! You don't have to eat them.

And Bulgarian gherkins are insane.

Honestly, those people can pickle. Can they? Yeah.

Why is it so stiff, Robin?

Oh, ho-ho! Don't. I wasn't going to.

You were going to. That's exactly what you were going to.

I was going to, yeah. Well, I can't open it.

It's as stiff as a guardsman. What?! Let me try.

Never heard that expression before in my life.

I'm absolutely gagging for a holiday, to be honest.

Somewhere like Corfu

or even Bulgaria would do.

What you need to do is you need

to twist the bottom as well as the top. Yeah. All right.

You don't need to mentor me on how to open jars, Dad.

Well, you say that and yet the lid's still on.

Ugh! Right. I'm going to go prep for my sesh.

Where's that book of quotes, guys? I don't know.

You can still have a holiday, Cherry, but within the UK,

you know, a staycation. Yeah.

Oh, grow up! No? That's not a holiday.

What, going to a different branch of WH Smiths

somewhere else it's also raining?

OK. No, no, I want a change of scene.

I'm talking coconuts, flowy dresses.

Do you know what I mean?

Come to LARP Quest with me next weekend then,

babe, you sort of have to wear a flowy dress

if you're going as a human woman. Mm.

Stop suggesting that, Robin.

I do not want to play dress-up and talk about the bloody Hobbit.

You would absolutely love me in my Selwyn LARP cosy.

I swear. I'll be your knight in shining armour.

Plastic armour. It'll shine.

You buff anything hard enough and it'll shine.

Fact! And I've got a big sword.

RACHEL: Oh, my God!

I do like a sword. Yeah, well, this baby is the scourge

of LARP Quest. Larp, what, Robin? What's that?

Yeah. LARP Quest, Sue.

So, it's a historical / fantasy thing,

like live-action role play

where everyone goes as different factions.

So human, goblinoid, elvish, dwarf, etc.

Oh, you can go as Elvis! Oh, how funny!

No, Elvish, Granny. As in elves.

Yeah, I can't do that.

Right. Move over, Rover. Let Robin take over.

He Man. See? And you're Winalot after the dog food,

are you, Robin? Yeah, exactly. No. What?

No. It's like Lancelot, but Win-a-lot, because I win a lot.

Oh, dear. I forgot about the dog food, actually.

SAM: So, it's like Dungeons & Dragons, basically.

Yeah. Live action. Yeah. Aargh! So we're talking sword fights,

mead. It is the absolute bomb. Oh, that is as stiff as a duck's ass.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I should invite Maya to that instead.

I mean, it's not exactly Glasto, but at least it's a festival.

Oh. Did you not get tickets?

No. I slept through the alarm.

Oh, God! I missed it. She's in a bit of a mood with me.

Well, yeah. Do you know what? Why don't we all go?

No! No, no. Sorry,

but I can't be around people that nerdy.

It makes me so angry. Thank you. Sorry. All right. Oh, God!

Somebody, one of us must be able to open this jar, surely!

It's like the sword in the stone, isn't it?

SAM: Not really. I'll get Kay's new boyfriend's over.

Yeah, yeah, he's well strong. Oh!

He can tow a car.

With another car? No, no, no, with his hands.

I think. Right? I mean, he is a mechanic.

He can. He can.

"If you can dream it, you can do it."

Walt Disney.

OK, well, I can dream

that I can open this jar,

but I can't do it. So that's not true, is it?

Yeah. "Failure is success in progress."

Einstein.

I might print some of these out, actually, for Lee.

OK, but, well, putting out other people's quotes

is not mentoring, Paul, that's Instagram.

That's very different. Yeah.

"You've got to give something back.

"You can't just sit there."

Prince Harry.

Amen. Completely agree, mate.

PAUL WHISPERS: "Trust plus preparation equals bull's-eye."

Sam? Uh-huh.

Why are you wearing that?

What? Oh, it's for my mentoring.

Yeah, I want to look approachable and clever.

Right. Well, you look like Kevin McCloud.

Great. And I got that scarf out for Sam's D of E.

Yeah, I'm not taking it, or that giant first aid kit. Well...

DOORBELL RINGS Doorbell!

That's him, that's him, that's Lee!

Everyone just give him some space, OK, guys.

It's not that big, Sam. Mum, it's enormous.

It'd be easier to put a doctor on his bag.

Exactly. I can't do that. OK, Lee.

Thanks for coming, champ.

You OK, bud? Yeah. Fine, thanks. I'm sorry I'm late.

I got a bit lost. Well, not any more. Not when I'm around.

Hi.

This is Sam. You don't mind if my son films the sesh,

do you, bud? Uh, no. No. Whatever you want.

Great.

Everyone, this is Lee.

ALL: Hi, Lee.

Hi. Yeah, we're just going to go next door, so...

Would you like a cup of tea, Lee, or a casserole?

Uh, no, I don't think.

Oh, but I would have a gherkin if one's going.

Oh, well. If you can open it, you can.

Yeah. Good luck. It's impossible. Oh, no.

Oh, go for it, Lee. It's really hard. Oh.

No. Stiff as a guardsman, isn't it?

Yeah, that's what I said.

I need to wee. Of course you do.

It's just out there on the right, champ. OK.

Just there. Go get 'em. Oh...

Yeah. Oh! Yeah, watch the...

Watch the...door. OK? Yeah.

Don't set Lee a physical challenge as soon as he comes in, Mum.

He asked for a gherkin.

How's that going to build his confidence,

failing to open a jar? Jeez Louise!

Does he always wear the helmet? RACHEL LAUGHS

No! I mean, I think he cycled here. I mean...

I mean, surely not. He can't...

Don't laugh at Lee! That's...

This is why he needs my help, OK?

In fact, can you just...? Shh-shh! LAUGHING: Yes?

Can you just stall him while, um...? Rachel.

Lee? Yeah? I'm just...I'm just going to finish up next door.

OK, champ? OK. OK, bud.

THEY LAUGH

WHISPERING: Oh, sh, sh. He's coming.

Oh...bugger.

Aw, hey, Lee. How are you doing?

Ah, God, I got some on my trouser.

Oh, that's all right. That can happen to anyone.

Men, mainly. Mm.

So, is this your first time?

Yeah, no. Well, never been a mentor before. Ah.

But I was the youngest ever Akela.

for the 78th Bedford Cub Scout group,

so it's safe to say I know a thing or two about leadership. Oh...

Hang on.

So, you're the mentor?

Yeah. Why?

OK, so before we get into it, champ,

I just want to make a couple of things super clear. Paul. OK?

Number one, you're amazing.

Can I...? Don't you dare doubt that.

OK? Number two, I'm just a guy. I'm just a guy.

Dad... Number three... Shush, Amy. ..the future begins today.

That's true, but... Change is possible.

Number four. Always listen to Paul.

SAM: Dad, Lee's the mentor.

He's mentoring you.

Well... Mm. I mean, no. That...

What? Mm. Yeah. AMY: Yeah.

But you're... How old are you?

I'm 24.

Exactly. So...

I'll check the email. Check the email.

ROBIN: Well, well, well, look who decided to come along after all.

There were a lot of last-minute tickets available, weirdly.

It's just not a cohesive costume, though, is it, Mum?

You've got your cheapo Viking helmet, slung on your furs,

and you're wearing moon boots!

Yeah, what about you? You've got trainers on.

Yeah, and what's with the jar of gherkins?

Is that a Viking thing as well? No, no. No, that's...

I'm just hoping I'll bump into a big orc who can help me open them.

Orcs?

Will there be orcs, Robin? And the rest!

Orcs, pixies, trolls - you name it, babe.

Turns out the Pixies aren't doing Glastonbury this year.

What? Right! Yeah, you see?

This is even better than Glasto. In a way.

Everyone keep an eye out for Lee, all right?

He's going in circles. No, you can't have phones in there, Rach.

No, I know, I know, it's just... It's Sam.

What? What do you mean? He's going in cir...

I put a tracking tile in his bag.

Ah. Rach, you did...?

Ah. I mean, well done, but that's terrible!

Oh, my God, Mum! Does he know?

No, but in my defence, he's only 16,

and he didn't take any of the survival stuff that I got him,

so you know... Fair enough. LEE: Paul!

Oh, hey, Lee.

I love this little dwarf costume.

Oh, no, I'm not a dwarf. I'm just 5'4".

But, no, I am an archer. Yeah!

Yeah, but, er...you said "Lee". Huh?

Don't say Lee - it's Night Claw when I'm here. Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, yeah. Er, this is Paul. I'm his mentor. Yep.

Er, everyone, this is Merlin. Merlin is a seer.

Slash LARPing legend.

Ooh! The princess is with child! My child.

I am, yeah.

You don't need to be a seer to see that.

She's nine months pregnant.

Merlin takes it very seriously. RACHEL: OK, sorry.

Yes, I do. Quite right.

So where's the undead faction?

They're all over by the bins, learning "the walk".

Oh, there's a walk? Yeah. Great.

SUE: Where do we go, Night Claw?

Humans, elves, go grab yourself a burger, top up on mead.

I'm an elf. Fantastic! Mead hall!

Er, Paul? Yes? Why don't you stick with me?

I am going to make you my squire.

"Squire"?

Yeah. OK. Yeah, the thing is, Lee. Nightwalk... Horse...

Um... Night Claw.

I did want to be an archer.

You know? I was an Olympic archer, I got the bow,

and I was thinking, for a name...

Yeah. ..Arrow Man! Er, Squire Paul? Yes?

Fill my horn. Yes, my liege.

What with? Mead. Mead?

No phones inside. Put it away.

I did tell her, Night Claw. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Oh, look. There they are.

It's quite a good walk, actually, innit?

You're on the high street alone. Mm-hm.

A ten-year-old girl comes up to you,

tells you she's being followed by a man with a gun. Mm.

What do you do? Um...

Tail the suspect.

Um, search for, um...

..small firearms weapons.

He's-he's not holding anything. OK, check the...

Check for bulges, then, in his jacket

or in his groin zone. He's moving towards his car now.

OK, well, then I ask him to halt. He's getting away.

Well, in that case... Quickly!

Er, Taser, Taser, Taser!

Call...for...backup!

Call for backup. UNDER BREATH: All right.

We can't Taser people

based on one unverified report

from a child.

All right.

Being a police officer is all about fellowship, hmm?

Do you think Frodo would have gotten the ring to Mount Doom

if it wasn't for the Fellowship?

No way. No...

He'd have barely made it out of the Mines of Moria.

M-Moron.

Have you even read it yet?

Oh, I will.

I will. It's just very long, innit?

RACHEL: Sam, I got you something.

If it's for my D of E, I'm not taking it. Mm.

What is it? It's a survival shovel. It's essential.

"Essential"? What does it even do?

Well, to be honest, I'm not sure,

but it clearly helps you survive, or they wouldn't call it that.

Mum, just please stop doing this, Mum. OK. You've got to trust me.

I do, I do. Well, maybe... DOORBELL

..just take the survival blanket?

No?

Doorbell, someone! No?

Two minutes, OK, Paul? Yeah, yeah.

AMY: I'll get it.

Oh, hi, Robin. What's...? Heya.

Yeah, I got myself a specialist for Operation Gherkin Escape.

I got him, Sue! He's here! I hope you're hungry!

Oh! RACHEL GIGGLES

Yes! Oh, well done, Robin. Yes! What's going on?

This is Marcin. He's Kay's new boyfriend.

And, crucially, stacked. Yeah.

Where is jar?

Um, it's this one, Martin.

Marcin.

MARCIN GRUNTS

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh...

Yeah.

Are you finished? No! He's gone for another wee.

How's it going, Paul? It's a waste of time, Mum.

He's mainly summarising segments from the Lord of the rings.

He's 24.

I should be mentoring him, really.

It's tight. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We know it's tight.

It's tight all right. Can you not just opt out, Paulo?

Bit of the old "Up yours, Delors," no?

PAUL: No. No, I'm being assessed.

He's assessing me.

I need him to give me a good write-up.

MARCIN STRAINS Yeah.

It's too tight. Ah, well, thanks for trying.

Yeah, what a great effort. Fantastic to watch.

Goodbye. Yep, bye. Cheers, Marcin. Bye, Martin. Nice try, mate.

Aww. Well, he seemed nice.

Did he? Don't feel like I got to know him, really.

Wow. RACHEL LAUGHS

Yeah? Why "wow"?

He didn't open it.

TOILET FLUSHES Mm...

Righty-o, then, Paul. Shall we...?

Ooh! Sir Winalot?

Er... Er... Night Claw?! ROBIN LAUGHS

I didn't recognise you without the black cape.

Oh, well met, cousin. Brother!

THEY LAUGH

You two know each other? Yeah, of course.

Everyone knows Sir Winalot.

He is the bloodiest blade in the Three Kingdoms.

Indeed I am, yes.

We've rubbed scabbards at quite a few LARP festivals now.

You're hitting Kempston Wood this weekend, or...?

Don't be a knave. Bought a new drinking horn, especially. Yeah!

I'm helping organise it. Oh, that is lit!

What's your real name, sorry, Night Claw?

Er, Lee Smithard. Robin Hankey.

The LARP quest thing is at Kempston Wood? It is indeed, milady.

Where the kingdom of men

will finally vanquish those forces of darkness. Yeah!

Why do you wear a cape?

Er, great question. So I'm a scout,

so I patrol the woodland after nightfall,

searching for enemy spies, invaders - that sort of thing.

He found my wallet last time. I did, yeah!

Although that had a GPS tracking tile in it, to be fair.

I would have found it anyway. GPS tile? W-What's that?

So hang on. So hang on. Are you Paul's mentor?

That's right, yeah.

And I've got my work cut out with this one.

ROBIN LAUGHS Oi!

Oh, my God, Paul!

That's what we should do. What? Well, LARPing -

it's taught me so much about teamwork and fellowship.

- Completely. - Oh, no...

Oh, it'll be so good for you.

And actually, as your mentor, I'm going to have to insist.

I completely agree with Lee, Paulo.

Honestly, I was an absolute goon before I started LARPing.

Exactly. Well, yeah, hang on. You can't insist, Lee. All right?

You're my mentor. You're not my dad. What?

And anyway, er... Rachel and I are busy this weekend. Right, Rach?

No, no, we can absolutely go if you want.

I don't want. Well... I don't. Yeah, we can.

And you don't want to go LARPing, do you? Yeah, yeah. Really?

Actually, um, if your boy would film it,

that'd be really handy for me, because I'm trying to put together

an online trailer for the next one. Ooh!

SAM: I can't, sorry. I'll be on my D of E.

Also in Kempston Woods.

Which is the same reason Mum suddenly wants to come...

No, it's not. ..so she can keep tabs on me.

No, it's not. I've just...

And it won't work. The wood's massive.

I've changed my mind.

It sounds like an educational and imaginative wonderland.

Yeah, and I can film it, Night Claw.

If, you know, Sam lends me the camera.

Er...yeah. Go on, then.

I was only going to take my GoPro for D of E anyway.

- Yes! Let's go, Team LARP! Ho-ho! - No, really?!

Oh, how exciting!

I'm going to go as Priscilla Presley. Ahh!

It's got nothing to do with Elvis, Mum!

- She hasn't understood it. - Oh.

SAM: This is definitely the wrong way.

SHEEP BLEAT

Er, which way is it? There's sheep.

Are they meant to be sheep?

Yeah, I don't know.

Oi! Argh! Oof!

THEY PANT

Argh! Argh!

ROBIN: Love that dancing.

Rach, no phones.

Prithee, good elf - a song?

# Mooore... # No, go away.

Squire Paul, fetch my mead.

Yes, my liege. Coming!

Oh, spill it not on the floor, dwarf!

I'm sorry. It's just your drinking horn's very tall and thin.

Well, don't blame the horn.

Hey, Cherry, you all right. Bored. How was the undead bit?

It's, er... It was pretty dead, ironically. Yeah?

Yeah, well, stay with us in the medieval bit. Ah!

Good here, right, babe? Well, the toilets were a bit too medieval,

but the music slaps, yeah. Mega slaps.

Oh, wow. Look at Granny.

It really is like the sword in the stone.

Oh, come on, one of you must be able to open it, surely?

Come forth, the next knight.

Oh, ridiculous. Ha!

He's gone absolutely power mad. Who, Night Claw?

Lee. His name's Lee. He's taking the absolute mick, mate.

How come? He's getting drunk and ordering me about, the prat. Whoa.

And who drinks out of a horn? Ridiculous!

WHINING: I can't put it down anywhere.

Oh, and here come the orcs, look. ROARING

Night Claw! Orc attack!

"ORCS" SNARL AND GROWL

Yes, men of the West!

And...and women of the West.

Die! Suck on that, sunshine.

I'm so glad you're not one of them orcs, Robin.

I won't lie, babe. I was an orc in my 20s.

I went through a orc phase. You remember that, Paulo?

Big time. Yeah.

Whoa! Yes!

Oh, Rach, seriously, put it away. I think he's in trouble.

What? Sam. Really? He hasn't moved for an hour.

AMY: You mean the tracker hasn't? Mm-hm.

Yeah, they're probably just having a nap, Rachel. Stop spying on him.

No, he's inside a house. Is he? What? Really? Let me see.

What?

Oh. There, look. Oh, yeah.

No, that is quite creepy,

because that's, like, the only house in the whole forest.

I'm sure it's fine. Are you? Why?

If Hansel and Gretel had a tracking tile on them,

that's exactly what you'd see.

Oh, my God! They've been abducted! I bloody knew it!

A psychopath has probably got them in his dungeon. Yeah.

Oh. I seriously doubt he's got a dungeon, Rach.

What sorcery is this? Oh, my God. Take a day off, mate.

Squire Paul! Oh...

Why has your wench still got her phone on her?

Wench? Does he mean me? Well, I did tell her.

Right, you need to turn it off. No...

So turn...it...off! Oi! Whoa, hey...

Piss off, Lee! Whoa! Oh, my God.

Don't tell my mentor to piss off, Rach.

My son is in a house in these woods, possibly trapped.

And I don't mean in a make-believe,

"Oh, let's buy costumes off eBay because we hate our jobs"

kind of way. This is real. Our REAL son is in REAL danger.

So I don't have to listen to your nerdy little rules

or-or use your nerdy little names.

Either do something to help us

or get back to your am-dram olde-worlde bullshit!

Ugh...

MERLIN CLEAR HIS THROAT Oh, Rach...

He's in these woods? Yes, three miles away.

And you said he's in trouble? I think so.

We don't know that. Could be.

Men of the West!

SUE: Oh!

Prepare a rescue party!

ALL: Yeah! Love it!

Whoa, really?

One of our number is being held captive some three miles hence!

Er, might be captive. Probably not captive.

But Night Claw, our permit from the council says

that we must stay within the festival compound.

Well, sod the council, obviously. Aye!

Who amongst you will ride out with me?

LARPERS CHEER "Ride out"? As in...?

Running off? OK. Yeah.

Come on, let's go. What? Really?

Can't we just stay here and drink mead?

Oh, no! No! It's... ROBIN: What? What?

It's this way! It's this way!

LARPERS CHEER This way, my lord.

Yes! Follow the girl!

ROBIN: Whoo!

ORC: Oh, yeah!

Babe, you coming?

I'm not running three miles, Robin.

I don't care how abducted Sam is.

We could follow in my Skoda Enyaq!

Oh, good idea, Merlin. I'll just get my gherkins.

Hey-hey! I'll meet you there.

LARPERS CHEER AND SHOUT LEE: On to glory!

Whoo! You can slow down a bit.

THEY PANT

Oh, my God. Oh, my... Whoa.

Ah, there it is. Oh.

Oh...oh, God. AMY: What?

That's definitely got a dungeon in there. Mm.

Squire Paul? My mead.

Yes, my liege. Yeah...

You shouldn't be filling it up from a plastic bottle.

Well, what am I supposed to transport the mead in, eh?

An even bigger horn?

SUE, SHOUTING: Is he still in there, then, Rachel?

THEY ALL SHUSH HER Mum!

He's not moved for ages.

He's probably tied to a... Something awful.

A chair, probably. He's not. So what's the plan, then?

Right. Right.

We're not going to do anything rash, all right? OK.

We're just going to see if anyone's in and then...

ATTACK! Oh, no!

LARPERS ROAR

Lee! Lee! Lee!

Withdraw! Withdraw!

Stop it! It's not our place... Where are you?!

No, no, stop it! LEE ROARS

Oh! Stop hitting the furniture!

Show your face!

Oh, my... He's lost it. Rarr!

Oh, that's the toilet. There might be someone in there!

Cover me! Oh...

Er, OK, I think he's all right.

FARMER ROARS Oh, God...

Get out of my house!

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm so sorry.

Um...we're his parents.

That one, not the other two. SUE: Yeah, I'm his granny.

Hi, Granny. Hi, Sam. Hi. Hello. Hello, darling. Hi, Sam.

BOY: Hi, Mr and Mrs Jessop. Aw, hi, Kai. Hi, Ryan.

We were worried about them, you see? Yeah. Yeah.

He's on his D of E.

Meant to be.

Why are you dressed as a dwarf?

I'm not. Oh, my God!

I am not a dwarf.

I am a human! A short human.

A short human but, nevertheless, I'm an archer!

We're undead. Wizard.

Yeah, we're a LARPing festival down the road.

You can dress up as historical or fantasy characters. Yeah. Yeah.

What?

Why?

Well, you know, nerds gonna nerd.

More to the point, why is our son in your house? Yeah.

He's meant to be hiking to a campsite.

They got lost. Found them bothering the sheep.

Huh.

I was going to give him a lift once they'd eaten something.

Well, I hardly think that's what the Duke of Edinburgh intended

when he established the award.

Well, I think it's OK. I don't think he's going to find out now, is he?

No. No, not now, no. He's dead. Well, yeah, but... I mean...

Well, yeah, er...um...

Well, and, actually, thank you for feeding them. Um...

And sorry for barging into your house like this. So sorry.

SAM: Mum... Mm? ..how did you know I was here?

That's a fair question. How did I know you were here? Rach?

I put a tracking tile in your bag.

What? I did, yeah.

Because you wouldn't take the first-aid kit

or the survival shovel,

so, you know... No, it's because you're a lunatic.

Well, a combination of the two, maybe, but...

OK. Don't.

LEE MOANS

PAUL CHUCKLES

Yeah... Mm.

I'll get him out of here.

I am sorry, Sam.

I really am.

I'm 16 now. Yeah.

You've got to trust me. No, I know.

I mean, obviously to me you're still only about nine,

but I-I will try in future, I promise.

So does that mean me, Ryan and Kai can go to Corfu this summer?

KAI AND RYAN GUFFAW I'm flying!

Fu...

No, of course not. OK.

Sam? Hmm? Where's this campsite, then?

Er, it's about eight miles that way. I think. Why?

I loved D of E back in the day.

Look, we'll take you there. Wait, what? In your car?

No, we'll hike it. I'm absolutely jacked after that.

I need to burn off the adrenaline.

Oh, I'm so happy that you booked this.

LEE: I think I just drank too much mead.

PAUL: I know, I know.

That stuff's so sweet, you forget it's alcoholic. Yeah.

It's the original alcopop.

I should have just listened to you, Paul.

Yes, you should. Yes, you should.

You shouldn't make quick decisions by yourself.

Always call for backup.

A very promising young police officer taught me that.

You.

Oh, God!

ROBIN: Aww.

It's OK.

SUE: Robin? Yo? Robin. Yo?

Have you seen my gherks? Oh, did you leave them inside?

Oh, yeah, I think I did. The kitchen!

Sorry. Excuse me. Hmm? But have you seen my gherkins? My jar of...

What? THEY GASP

No way.

Behold - the chosen one!

Can you get out of my house, please? Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

CHERRY: Robin! Yo?

It's happening. "It"? It's happening.

It's, er... What, as in....?

GROWLING: It's happening! Oh, God! Oh, my God!

OK, I'm on it!

Um, is anyone here a doctor?!

What? Why?

GRAVELLY VOICE: Yes, I'm a doctor.

Er... But an orc doctor

or a real doctor?

WELL-SPOKEN: Well, I'm a consultant orthopaedic surgeon

at Milton Keynes University Hospital. Are you?!

Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that.

Come on, quick! Oh, right! My wife's about to give birth!

Oh, gosh, is she?

Got one, Chez.

No, not an orc! Don't worry, I'm going to look after you.

Everything's going to be tickety boo.

Can you take the face off, please?

Because I do not want my baby being delivered by an orc.

Yeah, mask off, brother.

Of course, of course. Ha-ha! By the way, I'm Sebastian.

Ha-hey, we're having a baby! Whoo!

Do you want me to film the birth, babe, or...? No! OK.

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