Original subtitles

- I'll take that. - No, no, wait.

It's too important...

I'm your fucking wife.

One of your goddamn monsters

just attacked our daughter.

Help me!

- I'm your Pop. - What?

Mom!

Looky who's back.

This is Dalton.

He's with the Knights of Sumeria.

I've been waiting for the chance to battle this ancient evil

my entire life.

We'll destroy your seed,

and your whore daughter too.

It looks like evil's back,

and Elk Grove is ground zero.

Ghost Beaters are back!

Fucking-A, right we are.

Don't you do it.

Don't you do it.

You little shit.

Just let me get off this fucking road!

Here we go.

Whoa!

Shit!

Wait here.

Holy shit.

It's a fucking baby.

Come here.

You may be born from the image of that idiot Ash,

but you'll be nothing like him.

Herregud! Eric?!

Hey, kiddo. Rise and shine.

You sleep okay?

Go away.

Look, last night was the first time you experienced

a full-on, balls-out, pedal-to-the-metal

demon spawn attack.

And look that's rough, I know.

Now if you want to stay in bed all day,

that's totally fine.

Because I'm one of those "cool" dads,

like you see in the movies.

I just want my mom back.

That's the one thing I can't pull out of my butt.

You left this in the Delta.

Some counselor from Kenward High,

left you one of those text things.

Ms. Prevett?

Can you give me a ride to school?

Really, I thought maybe you'd want to spend the day

with your old man.

Get a peek behind the scenes

at a real working hardware store.

No, I need to see Ms. Prevett.

She's been a real friend, and probably the only person

I can really talk to now.

Come on now.

The "only" one?

Can you give me a ride, or should I call an Uber?

So you take off without a word,

all "chasing after the fight,"

and then suddenly you're back,

with this clown?

Come on.

Pablo... you know me.

- I don't know. Do I? - I don't know because

I fucking hate clowns.

Hey, I needed to stay in the fight.

Okay? And that's all that this is about.

Yeah, well, I'm not buying this...

this whole, "Princes Of Sumeria" thing.

- It's "Knights." - If they're so bad-ass,

how come we're just hearing about them right now?

Because shit's about to get fucked up.

- More so than usual. - Yeah?

- How would he know? - Dude. Knights?

Sumeria?

Dalton's ancestors were whaling on evil way back in 1400s.

Which would make his great-great-whatever

a really big deal, but this guy, is just...

Is just glad to know that the centuries my ancestors

and I spent prepping for evil's return weren't a total waste.

Yeah, well... that must be a load off.

- Fruit Loop? - I'm gluten-free.

You know what?

I know how we got into the "kicking evil butt" business,

but what's in it for you?

My brothers have been fighting evil much longer

than you can imagine.

Tell him Dalton. Tell him what you told me.

Evil's manifested in many forms over the years.

The Black Death, war, famine.

But it's all rooted back to the master demons

we call the Dark Ones.

It seemed like there was no stopping them,

but then the unexpected happened.

The most ruthless one of them betrayed the others,

and cast them from our world.

In Latin, they called her "Mulier Daemonium Degnaie."

"Demon Woman of Fire."

My ancestor seized the opportunity

to steal the source of their power...

Necronomicon Ex-Mortis.

A lot of good men and women gave their lives to get that book.

Legend has it, one of us,

a sorceress named Kaya,

was seduced by the power of the Necronomicon,

and tried to use it.

But her soul was taken, and bound within the book.

Only the Prophesied One can abolish the Dark Ones.

So my brothers and I are sworn to remain vigilant.

To find, and protect him until

the foretold battle against evil.

Right, evil's back. Got it.

Thanks for the scoop, Poindexter.

Save the knee.

Yes, I'm very special, message received.

Now look, if story time's over,

can we talk about something that's really important?

Time to tear evil a new one, jefe?

No. It's this whole "Dad" thing.

Here I am, kicking evil in the nards, and what do I get out of it?

A daughter that treats me like dryer lint.

How was I supposed to know that all that crazy sex

could lead to a kid?

Yeah, funny how that works.

You know what, let's just hope he didn't leave anymore

little Brandys out there.

Jesus of Anaheim.

Hi, Dad!

Meet the rest of your kids!

Hey, Dad.

I'll be in the car.

That demon girl did say something about my seed.

Pablo, I have Brandy duty,

then I got to check something out.

Can you open the store solo this morning?

The store? Jefe, evil is back!

Ghost Beaters got to gear up!

- What he said. - New guy, take a knee.

Now listen up.

Evil is not the boss of us.

We got to do that thing, what's it called?

Like when you're driving in a car,

putting on deodorant, and trying to drink a beer

- at the same time? - Reckless endangerment?

No, Kelly, keep up.

Multitasking, that's it.

We can do this.

We can whale on evil, and provide Elk Grove

with top quality hardware, at a reasonable price.

- But... - But not that reasonable!

I missed him.

So, umm...

I'm sorry about your mom.

Yeah, ol' Candy was a hell of a gal back in the day.

She had a real "can do" attitude.

You said you barely remembered her.

Well, she just caught me by surprise is all.

Hey, cute story.

On our wedding night,

we were going at it in the back seat,

when all that Kentucky Glory started to catch up on her.

But after she sicked up on the front dash,

and I mean all over the front dash,

she was ready for round two.

Let me tell you, not a lot of ladies have that kind of...

♪ Hard to believe... ♪

♪ 30 days in the hole ♪

Hey, hey.

Good shit.

♪ 30 days in the hole ♪

- ♪ That's what they do ♪ - ♪ 30 days in the hole ♪

Brandy... as your father,

it's probably wrong for me to suggest

that you mislead the police.

Yeah, it probably is.

But involvement in a double homicide

can turn into a platter of shit burgers but quick,

so you might want to ixnay, about the urders-may.

Have a nice day at school!

Love you!

Help!

Hey, Brandy.

Hey...

Couldn't believe it when I heard.

Police asked me to reach out, but...

I know, I just saw them outside,

but I just can't face them yet.

They're going to ask me questions about my mom,

and Rachel, and...

you're the only friend I have left.

Well, you can always come to me, Brandy.

Now... talk to me.

Tell me everything.

It was so horrible...

there was this...

this thing in the hall.

And then... and then Rachel...

I know it sounds crazy,

but it's like she turned into some kind of monster.

Do you believe me?

I believe that a lot of strange things

happen in this town.

My mom's gone.

And then I find out that Ashy Slashy is my real father.

Really?

It's okay.

I've got you now.

Pablo?

Pablito?

Pablito?

You fucking with me?

Because I know you talk.

That's what I thought.

No.

Sh...

Pablo!

You are in grave danger.

Who sent you?

Your uncle.

The Brujo.

Only his magia can save you,

from the evil etched into your skin.

Shit.

You rejected his world once.

You must not reject tu destino again.

Okay, but what do I need to do?

Sorry, Dalton left his beard trimmer in...

What?

Hey, you okay?

There was a naked lady, right there.

But-but that's normal for this place.

Yeah.

Those marks on your arms.

- That's Sumerian writing. - Yeah, and what?

You've been marked by evil.

Yeah, well, I already know that.

I should probably get to work, and not fight evil right now.

What was that?

Those marks mean your little buddy's soul

is in mortal danger.

It's not like he asked for those Sumerian tats, okay?

They're battle scars, and his soul won that battle.

But he's been touched by evil.

The legends warn about this.

Sooner or later, he's gonna go demon.

And then he'll be out for blood.

It's not going to happen, Dalton.

Okay, you got to trust me on this one,

because this is Pablo we're talking about.

He's like my little brother, he's my best friend.

Kelly,

I know you don't want to hear it,

but if I'm right, this goes one of two ways.

He kills us...

or we kill him.

So, after this nightmare ended,

this man, your "father," he took you to his house?

Yeah, I guess I'm staying there for now.

He's got me sleeping in his sister's old room.

- Cheryl? - Yeah.

She died or something, right?

Or something.

Ash murdered her.

He shot her right in the face with his shotgun.

His own sister.

Brandy...

now the last thing I want to do is frighten you.

But your dad killed a lot of people.

At this point, your safety is my primary concern.

So, do you feel safe with your father?

It's okay. We'll talk again soon, okay?

Mr. Williams.

- Hi. - How's your father?

He's still dead.

Too bad. He was a good man.

Produced a lovely semen.

- High sperm count. - Is that a fact?

Unfortunately, we couldn't use it.

Syphilis.

- Hey, Mr. Williams. - Hi.

Booth three as usual?

Actually, Marci,

as my ethnically diverse friend Pablo would say,

I need a "por-favor."

As you know, I've supported clinics like this

for years, and years.

It's-it's been my life's work.

So, I was just curious.

Is there a way to find out, if anybody's ever ponied up

for my particular man-sauce?

Well, we're not really supposed to give out that information.

No, course not.

Yeah, I understand.

But come on, we're talking about "me".

We're talking about your old pal Ash.

We're talking about the hero, of Elk-fucking-Grove.

It really is against the law.

Now, that little sweetie, is worth 20% off

on almost everything in Ashy Slashy's.

You know sale items, liquor,

and perishables excluded, of course.

What do you say?

30% would be better.

For you, the moon.

- There you go. - Let me see what I can dig up.

- Might take me a few minutes. - Of course.

Yeah. Pow.

Hey, Marci? You know what?

What the hell, while I'm here,

might as well do my part?

Easy money.

Destroy his seed.

There must be no more progeny of Ash Williams.

His seed must die.

Hey, what's going on out there?

You guys pay your electric bill?

Come on.

What was that?

My horoscope told me some strange things

were going to happen today.

What the hell is going on?

Yeah.

Trying to take care of some business in here.

Can you keep it down?

Mrs. Lam?

Hello gorgeous.

Can you hear me?

Mrs. Lam?

Are you all right?

No.

What are you looking at, asshole?

What do you think I'm looking at?

Aw, not so hard, are you now, Ash?

Marci!

Your seed must die!

Ha!

Mrs. Lam?

Your seed must die!

Hey!

You... Whoa!

- Ooh! - Every...

last...

drop!

Objectifying motherfucker!

We're going to rip your balls off, Ash!

I'm not finished yet!

That's what they all say, baby.

Yo, Pablo.

Hey, so...

My God.

Holy shit.

Man, dreams do come true.

Yeah...

some of them.

Come on, Pablo.

I had to get away.

I was forging my path and shit.

Plus, you know how Ash can be when he's not fighting evil.

- He... - Smells like Bengay?

- Yeah. - I was going to say,

"he gets a little hard to take," but...

totally.

Yo, what's with your boy Dalton,

scoping me out like he's some sort of INS agent?

It's those tats, Pablo.

- Dalton thinks that... - They're cool?

That it means this evil shit is still inside you.

But you're feeling good, right?

I mean, nothing weird or anything?

Yeah.

It's nothing more than usual.

I'm good.

Business is booming I see.

What the fuck happened to you?

That is a long, sad story,

involving some unsightly bodily fluids.

Okay...

One thing is clear... evil's after my offspring.

The born, and the unborn.

- Why? - I wish I knew, Pablo.

But I'll tell you this.

From now on, protecting Brandy is job one.

I may suck balls as a father,

but I will not let evil take that away.

Brandy, I meant.

- Or my balls. - We got it.

My God!

Please!

Let me go!

Why would you want to leave?

You're about to be part of an amazing metamorphosis.

A... what?

My little creature was born out of the Book of the Dead.

He's destined to be the next Prophesied One.

I... don't understand.

When the current Prophesied One is killed

by his own flesh and blood,

his powers will move to the next in line.

When I'm done with Ash Williams and his daughter,

my baby will be the last man standing.

He's hungry.

What is it you want from me?

A leg, a thigh.

He's not picky.