All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 06x24 - Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Retirement Home (1)

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪

Hi, girls.
Oh, Rose, I missed you at breakfast.

Did you and Miles
have fun last night?

Oh, yes. We had dinner
at the Mandarin Rathskeller,

that new Chinese-German
restaurant.

How was it?
Oh, the food was good.

But an hour later,
Miles and I were both hungry.

For power.

(laughing)

(doorbell rings)

Oh, my, that provincial
Midwestern sense of humor...

that everybody hates.

Yes? Hello. I'm Detective
Parres, Dade County P.D.

Does a Sophia Petrillo
reside here?

This is my mother.
Is there a problem?

I'd just like to ask
a few questions.

I've got nothing to hide,
copper.

Or do you prefer "flatfoot"
or "gumshoe"?

Before my mother
lost it completely,

she watched
a lot of James Cagney.

They colorized him.
Can you believe it?

Let the man rest.

He's got hair the color of Rose's
and more rouge than Blanche.

Whatever you think she did,
she's guilty. I saw her.

Please sit down.

Mrs. Petrillo,

where were you on the night
of September 4th, 1985?

Did you see Awakenings?
Throw a ball at me.

How the hell should I know?

I don't even remember what
color underwear I'm wearing.

Ma, the beginning of September.

That's when Shady Pines
burned down

and you came here
to live with us.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not wearing underpants.

Mrs. Petrillo,

were you acquainted with
the late Maria Heartgrove?

She died? Good riddance.
God rest her soul.

We have a deathbed confession
from her

stating that the two of you
started the Shady Pines fire.

Why, that's ridiculous.
What did you do?

She claimed that
on the night of the fire,

the two of you were
in your room cooking s'mores.

Nonsense. I don't even know
what s'mores are.

You remember, Sophia.

They're those little toasted graham
cracker and chocolate sandwiches.

Marshmallow.
Don't forget the marshmallow.

Whoops.

In her deposition,
Mrs. Heartgrove said

that you were in possession
of an illegal hot plate,

and while you were cooking,
the curtains caught on fire.

Then you panicked and fled, and
the fire continued unchecked.

Now wait just a minute.
This is crazy.

Do you have any proof?

Did anybody find
that alleged hot plate?

Presumably it was lost
in the fire.

Maria was just out to get me.

She was always jealous because
I still had my own hair.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Petrillo.

I have no choice
but to bring you in

on a charge of negligent arson.

My mother is 85 years old.
Surely you -

I'm sorry. The law
recognizes no age limits.

Mrs. Petrillo,
you're under arrest.

Well, all's well that ends well.
What?

It's a title
of a Shakespeare play.

Rose, nothing is well,
and nothing has ended.

Sophia's out on bail,
awaiting her trial.

Well, if Dorothy had said it,
you'd think it was brilliant.

So this is life on the outside.

It's changed.

You've all gotten so old.

Ma, knock it off.
You were gone an hour.

If anyone's upset,
it should be me.

I had to dig up the bail money.

Please. How do you
put a price tag

on getting your mother back?

What was it, $500?
5000.

Wow. I better improve
my attitude around here.

(doorbell rings)

Well, Herb, here you are.
Hi. Hi.

Girls, this is Herb
Shrewsbury, our lawyer.

So, what are my chances,
shyster?

Or do you prefer
"ambulance chaser"?

Ma, he's here to help you.
Are you nuts?

If it helps.

Well, the trial is set
for a month from now,

so I'm going to need
some character witnesses.

Maybe you should start
by interviewing me.

I would make
a wonderful witness.

I can't tell you how many times
I've been badgered by lawyers.

Well, I could, but it
might sound like boasting.

Oh, the stories
I could tell you about me.

You're not gonna
believe this, but I...

I shall become
a great Southern writer,

carrying on the tradition

of the other great
Southern writers like...

uh...

...all those
that are so famous

they need not be mentioned.

Oh, girls, it's gonna be so exciting.
I am gonna make a fortune.

And I won't even have to
use my imagination.

My life is a romance novel.

Your life is a sports page.

Listen. Tell me I can't do
better than this in my sleep.

"He grabbed her.

"She could feel his fingers
pressing into her moist flesh.

"Her heart was pounding,
her loins on fire

as he spun her around,
her dress ripping open..."

You know how many times
I've experienced that?

Your loins have been on fire?

Yes.

"She melted into his -"

Where exactly are your loins?

Rose, it doesn't matter.
Just listen.

"She melted into his arms,

faint now with the
animal musk of him..."

I didn't know people had loins.

I've heard of loin of pork,
but...

In her case, the same thing.

Isn't this exciting -
taking part in a protest?

Standing up as free Americans
and exercising our right to say,

"We're mad as hell and we're
not gonna take it anymore."

I'm out of spit.
Can I go now?

20 envelopes
and you're ready to quit?

We joined the Friends
of Sea Mammals for a reason.

You are so unmotivated.

Well, when I joined this
Mammals With Blowholes thing...

...I didn't expect to be carrying
picket signs on some grungy dock.

I was hoping more for a
fund-raiser cocktail party

with Chinese lanterns
and Portuguese -

no, Hispanic waiters
in tight black pants.

And we hire a band
to play fish songs

in pirate suits
with muscles bulging.

Your mouth is watering now, Blanche.
Keep licking.

Herb, I'm aware
of how important it is

to make a good impression
in court.

Tell me, what do you think
would move the jury more -

cleavage or a lot of leg?

That depends
on what you're going for -

a chuckle or a guffaw.

Blanche, I think a conservative
ensemble is in Sophia's best interest.

Oh, there'll be music?

Ma, where you going?

If he puts you three
on the stand, up the river.

Ma, what are you doing up?
I can't sleep.

I keep trying to think back
on that night at Shady Pines.

And?
And we're out of toilet paper.

I told you, Dorothy,
I can't remember a thing.

Just because
your memory is fuzzy

doesn't mean
that you're guilty.

Doesn't mean I'm innocent, either.
Ma!

Let's face it. I've done some
pretty peculiar things in my day.

Of course, I've got an excuse.

I'm an old lady.
I left my mind in the '60s.

Dorothy,
have you seen my teeth?

They're in your mouth, Ma.
I know that.

Don't they look good today?

I ran them
through the dishwasher.

Ma, listen to me.

You got Martha Raye
and Madge mixed up again.

Morning, Blanche. Morning, Ma.
You sleep well?

No. I had that
recurring nightmare,

the one where I'm in bed
with Warren Beatty and he says,

"Sorry, this is too sick,
even for me."

Well, now I know why
Hemingway killed himself.

Oh, girls,
I have writer's block.

It is the worst feeling
in the world.

Try ten days without
a bowel movement sometime.

You just sit there,
hour after hour after hour.

Tell me about it.

Frisk me. Oh, Ma, stop that.
What are you doing?

Just frisk me. Frisk me.

It's important practice for me
if I'm going to prison.

Ma, you are not going
to prison.

Now think back.

Shady Pines.

What was the last thing
that you remember

before that fire?

Meat loaf.

Nine days in a row.

Their only witness is dead.

That ought to work
in our favor.

Dorothy,
that hot plate was mine.

I made s'mores all the time.

I hated Shady Pines.

I can't remember,
but I know I did it.

I must have.

I'm goin' to prison.

Ma won't come out of her room.
She's miserable.

Just to keep me up to speed,
Dorothy -

it's this negligent arson rap

and the prospect of spending the rest of
her waning years in jail thing, right?

No, it's the "Rose
in the kitchen" thing.

I just hate to see Sophia
so unhappy.

I wish there was something we
could do to make her feel better.

I mean, we're always there
when we need each other.

You know, if I have a problem,
Rose is there for me,

and if Dorothy has a problem,
I'm there for her.

I wish I knew what to do.

All right. All right.
I can pick up a cue.

Picture it.

Sicily, 1912.

A beautiful young peasant
girl with clear olive skin

meets an exciting
but penniless Spanish artist.

There's an instant attraction.

They laugh, they sing,

they slam down
a few boilermakers.

Shortly afterwards,
he's arrested

for showing her how he can hold his
palette without using his hands.

But I digress.

He paints her portrait,
and they make passionate love.

She spends much of the next day in
the shower with a loofah sponge

scrubbing his fingerprints
off her body.

She sees the portrait
and is insulted -

it looks nothing like her -

and she storms
out of his life forever.

That peasant girl was me

and that painter
was Pablo Picasso.

Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.
Be positive, Dorothy.

OK, I'm positive you're lying.

This is terrible.

Trick move from your
checkers-by-mail partner?

No, it's from the company
Charlie worked for.

They've gone bankrupt
and so has their pension fund.

I'm not gonna be getting
pension checks anymore.

I can't afford to live
without that pension.

Let's not panic. I'm sure
they can't just cut you off.

She's right.
There has to be a good explanation.

You'll call them tomorrow.
Everything will be fine.

What if it's not?
What if I can't pay my own way?

What if I can't afford food?

What if I have to sleep
outside in some park?

There's an old Italian saying
for times like this.

Scappa.
Tu si mal fortuna.

What does that mean?

Get away from me.
You're bad luck.

OK, that's it.
Drink this.

It's a secret potion
from the old country

guaranteed to put you to sleep.

Looks like milk.

Trust me, Rose.
Drink it. Slowly.

That's right, down the hatch.

We call this Sicilian Sominex.

Now, you might feel
a slight tingling,

but believe me,
you'll sleep like a baby.

I don't feel any tingling.
When's it gonna hit me?

Sophia!

Oh, I just had
a terrible thought.

What if, in some weird way,

all this was true
and Ma went to jail?

Oh, my God.

This is very important, Rose.

It might take a couple of hours,
so relax and get comfortable.

The last time someone said that
to me, I had two pigs on my back

and I was pushing
a wheelbarrow.

Why?

To relax and get comfortable.

OK, now, where should I begin?

Let's see. I think the one
thing you need to know is

that I'm the one around here
with the level head,

the real voice of reason.

I haven't been this scared
since 1952

when St. Olaf's
most active volcano

threatened to erupt.

Luckily there were some Druid
priests who were in town

for the opening
of Stonehengeland.

They said they could stop it

if they could sacrifice
the town's dumbest virgin.

I don't know why
I raised my hand.

It must have just been
the excitement of the moment.

But they said the only way
to prevent the eruption

was for me to crawl through
their legs up the volcano

while they gave me
my birthday whacks.

Well - and you're not
gonna believe this -

it turns out they weren't
Druid priests at all,

just a bunch of Shriners
looking for a good time.

All creatures must learn
to coexist.

Back where I come from,
they do.

That's why the brown bear
and the field mouse

can share their lives
and live in harmony.

'Course, they can't mate
or the mice would explode.

You want me to drive tonight, Dorothy?
Oh, Rose, listen.

I'm not going
to the meeting tonight.

Oh? How come?
I'm not comfortable there.

I'm not comfortable with the
people, with the whole thing.

But you need the group support,
Dorothy.

It's not a good idea
to go it alone.

Did I ever tell you about
my cousin Vigdov Frickin?

He tried to go it alone
in a three-legged race.

Well, you know
what happened to him?

Please. Please, Rose!

I don't want to hear
about your Frickin cousin.

That was
very interesting, Rose,

but now that I've heard you,

I think I'll probably
just plead insanity.

You look perfectly sane to me.

High praise indeed.

Pussycat, when I go to trial,

will you be
a character witness for me,

tell them I'm sweet and cute

and don't have it in me
to harm a fly?

What, you want me
to perjure myself?

Basically.

Ma, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be fine.

Thank you for trying
to cheer me up, Pussycat.

You're always there for me.
I appreciate that.

We're there for each other.

I don't know of any other
mothers and daughters

who have gone through half
of what we've gone through.

I can't tell you how much
it meant to me when you and I...

Two-and-a-half hours.
I thought you died.

What's wrong with you?
Nothing.

Who are you?
I'm the doctor.

We'll see about that.

Look, Mrs...

Petrillo.
I'm Dorothy's mother.

I wanna know
what's wrong with her.

Don't tell me "nothing," because I
know there's something wrong with her.

Mothers know. Look, Ma, I'll
talk to you about it later.

Your daughter is fine,
Mrs. Petrillo.

100%?
100%.

Tip-top?
Tip-top.

Then, Mr. 100% Tip-top,

why the hell
does she feel like hell?

Look, Ma... Wait.
I gotta hear this.

It could be functional.
Functional?

Mental.

Mental.

Well, let me
tell you something,

Mr. 100% Tip-top Mental,

my daughter
may be no spring chicken

and her jaw might crack
when she chews...

...and she may have
noticeable trouble

digesting raw vegetables,

but one thing she's not
is mental.

Thanks, Ma.

OK, girls, I'm ready.

Well, Rose, do I look like
the mayor of Palm Springs?

Doug Henning is the mayor
of Palm Springs?

Just play the music, Rose.

(♪ "I Got You Babe"
by Sonny Bono)

♪ They say we're young
and we don't know

♪ We won't find out
until we grow

♪ I don't know
if all that's true

♪ But you got me
and, baby, I got you

♪ Babe

♪ I got you, babe

♪ I got you, babe

You know, Ma, I guess we do
have a good relationship.

It's always been good.

I know we never did some of
those mother/daughter things -

baking cookies, dressing alike,

braiding each other's hair.

Yeah, but wasn't it great
making fun of those who did?

It sure was.

But come on, Ma.

The truth is, we have done
our share of fighting.

Of course we fight.
We're Italian.

We like to fight.
It's our way of showing love.

Though I don't know if there was a
lot of love that time that we...

Hi, Ma.
Gimme your watch.

Sure. What do you
want it for?

I'm working on a magic act for
the talent show at the center.

Abracadabra, 1, 2, 3.

Ma!
Relax.

Dorothy, was your card
the ace of spades?

Ma, what the hell
are you talking about?

I think I got chapters
seven and nine mixed up.

Ohh.

This watch is broken.

Ma, Stan gave me that watch
when we got married.

The marriage never worked.
Why should the watch?

I waited up for you
until two in the morning,

and you still weren't home.

Oh, yeah. Gertie and I
and some of the girls

went to Wolfie's
to pick up guys.

I called Wolfie's at 11.
You weren't there.

Guess who got lucky.
Oh, God!

What can I tell you?

A couple of egg creams,
the bright fluorescent lights

and a retired jeweler
named Shlomo

all conspired to make
a night of enchantment.

Not for me.

I can't tell you some
of the horrible thoughts I had

about what
might have happened to you.

Although none as horrible
as what you just described.

Ah, there you are.

Ma, I scheduled the
appointment for your checkup.

Ma, you know you have to
have a physical.

What do you want me to do - take you to
court, have you declared incompetent?

I'm not incompetent.

Once when I laughed too hard,
I had a little accident.

I guess we do have a strange
way of showing our affection.

Oh, Ma, I'm glad
to see you've cheered up,

but why are you walking down
memory lane all of a sudden?

It's just that I may not
see you for a while.

Ma, they can't prove that you
started that fire at Shady Pines,

and you are not going to jail.

You can't be sure of that,
Pussycat,

so I'm doing what I have to do.

I'm jumping bail
and moving back to Sicily.

Oh, hi, Ma.
How was your nap?

Nap? I didn't take a nap.
I'm a nervous wreck.

How could I sleep a wink with this
prison thing hanging over my head?

Let's grab lunch.
Ma, it's dinnertime.

Oh, I guess I did take a nap.

Ma, I don't know
why you're nervous.

You are not going to prison.

I feel like I am in prison, with you
keeping an eye on me 24 hours a day.

Are you gonna keep doing that
for the rest of my life?

No, only until you give up this ridiculous
idea about leaving the country.

I'm not skipping bail.
I'd never make it.

Every cab driver, waitress and
skycap between here and Sicily

would be only too eager
to talk to the police.

Why do you say that?
I under-tip.

Look, Ma,
I know you're nervous,

but Herb is a brilliant lawyer,

and, honey, you have the love
and support of all of us.

Is there anything I can
get you from the kitchen?

Just bread and water.
Maybe I'll acquire a taste.

How's Sophia?

She's over that crazy idea
about Sicily,

but she's still very concerned
about going to jail.

Well, who wouldn't be?

It's a terrifying prospect
to think about.

Prison. The coldness of it,
the steel bars,

the wedges of cheese
hanging overhead,

tantalizingly
just out of reach.

Let me guess -
St. Olaf County Jail?

And deli.

Look, we have to do
everything we can to help Ma.

Now, the three of us have got
to put our heads together

and try to figure out
for certain

how that fire got started.

You're so right, Dorothy.
And we can start by ruling out the obvious.

Does Sophia have any friends who are
or ever have been circus fire-eaters?

No.

Would she like to meet some?

Don't you worry.
Now we'll get to the bottom of this.

Lord knows we've worked our way
out of tight spots before.

Who was it who got us
into that...

Oh, just a minute,
now I remember.

Come on, it's worth a try.

It's either we sing
or he sings.

Oh, all right.

♪ Boom

♪ Boom

Well?
Well, what?

After my boom comes your boom
and then yours,

until we're all booming.

How complicated
is that herring thing?

♪ Boom

♪ Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom boom boom boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom boom boom boom

♪ Mr. Sandman,
bring me a dream

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Make him the cutest
that I've ever seen

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Give him two lips
like roses and clover

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Then tell him that
his lonesome nights are over

(baby cries)

♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Boom ♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

♪ Mr. Sandman
♪ Yes?

♪ Bring me a dream

♪ Make him the cutest
that I've ever seen

♪ Give him the word
that I'm not a rover

♪ And tell him that
his lonesome nights are over

♪ Mr. Sandman

♪ I'm so alone ♪

Boy, you guys really stink.

Look, I'm not going out with him.
You go, Blanche.

What?! You like him.
I know you do. So you go.

Well, I couldn't.
Of course she couldn't.

You stay out of this, Dorothy.

Well, why not?
It's all over between us.

He'll know that tonight.

Well, it's impossible.

I'd feel like a...
I'd feel like a...

A back-stabbing slut?

No.

Then please go, for me.

I'd feel better knowing this
thing is finally over with.

Well, since you put it
that way...

But only as a personal favor
to you, honey.

Well, I guess I'd better
go get dressed.

Thank you, Blanche.

Can you believe
that back-stabbing slut?

Well, now that we know we can
work our way out of jams,

exactly how are we gonna work
our way out of this one?

There's one thing we could do.

We could get something to eat.

Can we concentrate? It seems like
all we ever do around here is eat.

Maybe it's all you ever do.

Oh, excuse me.

I forgot about all those
other appetites you satisfy

before going to the fridge.

My life is more
than just sex and food.

I take care of this house.

Why, just the other day we had a
leak, and the gas man came out.

Oh, no, wait a minute.
I guess that falls under sex.

And you did fix him
a sandwich afterwards.

Oh, yeah.

I guess sex and food
are a big part of our lives.

In fact, just recently -
last summer, or last spring?

It's so hard
to remember which...

Why does it have to be so hard?

The hardest part for me
was explaining to my Kirsten

the difference
between boys and girls.

I knew the time had come,
but I kept putting it off.

Finally, I decided it was time
to take the bull by the horns.

So you told her? No.
I took the bull by the horns,

turned him around and showed her
what makes a bull a bull.

You are kidding, Rose.

No. That's how
my mother taught me.

Honey, didn't that give you
a false impression

about what a man
would look like?

It sure did.

Can you imagine my surprise on
my wedding night with Charlie?

Boy, that bull
would have been jealous.

Rose, quite frankly,
I don't get it.

What is this hold
that Buzz has over you?

I know exactly
what she's going through.

First love
can be very powerful.

I felt the same way
about Heyward Boyle,

the star pitcher on
our high school baseball team.

Oh, an amazing athlete.

That boy had
exceptional control.

He was always
up for extra innings.

And his delivery. Oh -

All right, Blanche.
Enough!

Yeah. We get it.

So, what was he like in bed?

I have to agree with
Blanche on this one.

Half the fun is
in getting there.

Boy, did your father
and I have fun

trying for you.

Ma, I don't think
I want to hear this.

I wasn't gonna tell you
until you're 60,

but I think
you can handle it now.

We lived in New York.

There was the San Gennaro
Festival every year.

Your father - may he rest in
peace until I get there -

got so turned on by the
festivities one year

he couldn't wait
till we got home.

Oh, Ma.

So he took me -

right there behind the
sausage and pepper stand.

Hey, we were
behind the garbage cans.

It's not like we were
in front of everybody.

I can relate to the
festivities part, Sophia.

All our children were conceived
on special St. Olaf holidays.

Adam was conceived
on the Day of the Princess Pig

when they had the pig crowning,

and Ginella was conceived
on Hay Day.

That's the day
we St. Olafians celebrate hay.

Rose, do you think
you could wrap this up

before Rebecca goes into labor?

Then there was
the Day of the Wheat,

when everybody came to town
dressed as sandwiches.

Charlie and I forgot
to put cheese between us,

and before I knew it,
there was Kirsten.

Look, Blanche,
what Rebecca is doing

is really not so terrible.

Look, among the four of us,

each of us conceived our
children in a different way.

I was totally unconscious.

When I came to, there was Stan

carving a notch
in his dashboard.

I never bought
that unconscious story.

I swear. He must have
slipped me something.

Apparently.

Those stories made me hungry.

They made me horny.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't we
call the pizza guy?

See, we both win.

(phone rings)

Hello?

What?

Oh, my God! It's Ma.
She's at the airport.

They caught her trying to buy
a ticket out of the country.

Can you believe Ma,

trying to go to Sicily
on my credit card?

She would've made it, too,

if her chef's knife hadn't
shown up on the scanner.

You want to know
something crazy?

I actually feel responsible
for this.

If I'd never checked her
into Shady Pines,

she never would have made
those s'mores,

there never
would have been a fire,

and none of this
would have happened.

Hey, when you look at it
like that, you are responsible.

Yeah, I never had thought
about it that way.

You know, it is like they're trying
the wrong person. It is your fault.

Wait a second, girls.

Can you imagine being the one
to put your mother in jail?

It was just a theory.

Follow that lady to Guilt City.

Now stop it, now stop it.
Look, nobody is to blame for this.

She's rationalizing.

Instead of pointing fingers,

I thought we were gonna try
to find a way out of this.

Well, we certainly are
in the right place for it.

The kitchen - Crisis Central.

Yeah, we sure have solved
a lot of problems in this room.

I mean, a lot.

Dorothy, it wasn't
that long ago that you...

Oh, it's you. I thought
maybe Sophia had come home.

Oh, no. She'll be back
in the morning.

She's trying to teach me a lesson.
I know my mother.

Oh, really? You're the one who said she
wasn't gonna leave in the first place.

Dorothy, it's not
just your mother who left.

I feel like
she's my mother, too.

I know, but don't worry.
She'll be back.

Now that she's gone, who am I gonna
go to in the middle of the night

with my deepest
personal problems?

Wait a minute. You went to my mother's
room in the middle of the night?

Many, many times.
Two or three times a week.

And she was always so kind
and comforting.

I don't understand. Every time I'd
knock on her door late at night,

she'd say, "Not now.
I'm watching Bob Costas."

Sophia doesn't have a TV
in her room.

I know.

Then, after
we finished talking,

she'd always give me a piece of
hard candy and a kiss good night.

I can't sleep.

And what's worse, I went to Sophia's
room for one of our talks...

...and then I remembered she
left, thanks to you, Dorothy.

You had late-night talks with my mother?
All the time.

And she gave you hard candy?

No. I'd ask, but she was
always afraid I'd choke on it.

Why didn't somebody
tell me it was dinnertime?

Ma, it's not dinner, it's
the middle of the night.

Good.
Then I'm dressed for it.

Blanche is upset.

Well, you would be, too, if your daughter
- Oh, I can't even say it.

What could have happened?

The two of you
were getting so close.

My little girl is gonna have a
baby by artificial insemination.

I just can't bear
to think about it.

I'm just being silly, aren't I?

For God's sake,
somebody say something.

Ew!

Big help.

Dorothy, what about you?
You're the sensible one around here,

the free modern thinker
who keeps up with the times.

Now, what do you think?

Ew.

Maybe we should all
get some rest

and figure a way out
for Sophia tomorrow.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Dorothy, can we look in
on Sophia, too?

She is like a mother to us.

I think she'd like that.
Here's the key.

I've been thinking
about what we should do

in case
they do send Sophia off.

What, appeal?

No, a party, a prison party.

I made a list of all the men
we should invite.

We'll be like the judges.

"I sentence you to ten minutes
with me on the lanai."

See, some can be convicts
and some can be guards...

What are you looking at?

I just cannot believe
how much you think about men.

Well, hey, men are
an important part of my life.

Not just my life.

They're an important part
of all our lives.

Seems like hardly a day goes by
here there's not an incident

about some man
that we're dating

or used to date
or want to date.

Pussycat, I'm going out with my friends.
Can you give me some money?

What happened to the money
I gave you last night?

Let's see, 10 bucks went
for cover charge,

10 bucks went
for a round of drinks,

and the other 10 went
into the G-string

of a very cute male dancer
named Mr. Big.

I know that guy.

That's just a stage name.

So, Ted, did I hear someone
say you were a doctor?

He's not just a doctor.

He happens to be one of the top
neurosurgeons in the Midwest.

Get out of here.
He's also heavy into real estate.

It's nothing much, really.
I just own a few mini-malls.

Oh, your wife must be
very proud of you.

Actually, we're divorced.

Oh, I'm terribly,
terribly sorry.

Hello, girls. Dorothy, Rose,
you all remember Laszlo.

Of course.
Laszlo, the artist from your museum.

Oh, we really enjoyed your
lecture on modern sculpture.

I didn't think anyone
was paying attention.

We sure were.
Especially Dorothy.

She even talked about
taking up sculpting.

Really, Dorothy?
Oh, no, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You said you'd
like to help him mold his clay

or buff his marble anytime.

Rose, you're such a kidder.

What is sex, after all?

Two clunky old bodies thrashing
around against each other...

like animals.

You get all sweaty and flushed.

Your hair gets mussed.

You lose your breath.

You lose your earrings.

Your mouth waters.

Your nose runs.

Your heart races.

Your blood races.

Rose?
Say it, Ernie.

It's time, Rose.

Check, please!

I'm not saying I want her
to go to prison.

I'm saying
if she goes to prison,

we have the theme
for the party.

Girls, do I have news for you.

Rose, where have you been?

Trying to get hold of the fire
inspector who inspected Shady Pines.

I wanted to double-check there wasn't
anything wrong with the building.

And?
And get this.

They said the inspector quit

three days
after the Shady Pines fire.

It seems he mysteriously
came into some money

and moved to an exclusive
Palm Beach neighborhood.

Do you know what that means?

Rose, of course
I know what this means.

Then will you explain it to me?

It all sounded suspicious,

but I couldn't quite
piece it together.

Rose, you nitwit, that means the
guy was probably on the take.

Oh, I told you everything
would be fine, Ma.

Hey, I have an idea.

Let's have
a getting-out-of-prison party.

See, everybody can pretend they've
been locked up for about three years

and they have all this pent-up
sexual energy.

Everybody's all pumped up because all
you ever do in prison is lift weights,

so we'll get all those muscle
guys with homemade tattoos...

What are you looking at?

You did a good job, but let's not
forget there still has to be a trial,

and Mrs. Heartgrove's confession
is pretty strong.

I just wish we had something that
reflected on her credibility.

What if we had a video of her and a
friend mooning a hot dog vendor?

That would
totally discredit her.

Wait a minute.
I just remembered who the friend was.

Can't use it. Moving on.

If you think of anything else,
please give me a call.

I have to be at the courthouse
at a quarter to three.

♪ There's no one in the place
except you and me ♪

That's what we were singing
that night.

We were having a couple
of Nyquil shooters

and singing
"One For My Baby."

I remember.
Ma, you do?

Yeah. I heard a smoke alarm,
looked up,

and saw flames coming
out of the heater.

Maria was confused.

I grabbed her
and the hot plate and ran out.

It was the heater.
Are you sure?

Sure I'm sure.
It was the heater.

You dig up that hot plate,
Sophia, we'll go to the D.A.

I think we've got enough evidence
to get these charges dropped.

Ma, I am so proud of you.

Now, honey, if you could just remember
where you left the hot plate.

I used it recently.
Think, Sophia, think.

What's that smell?

(alarm beeping)

My God. That's the smoke
alarm in Sophia's room.

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah.
Anyone for s'mores?

Well, Sophia,
how's it feel to be home?

I feel like a free man.

Well, you didn't
actually go to jail.

OK, forget the free part.
I feel like a man.

I missed two estrogen shots, and I'm dying
for a thick steak smothered in onions,

a tall cold one, then going out
and picking up a couple of - Ma.

Can I tell you something, Pussycat?
What?

I've never been so scared.

Not so much of jail.

It was not being here
with all of you.

Only seeing you for ten minutes
a day on visitors' day.

That's not enough time

for Rose to get one of her St.
Olaf stories off the runway.

All I'm trying to say is, maybe you're
not much, but you're all I've got.

Am I crying, Pussycat?
No, Ma.

I guess it wasn't
as touching as I thought.

Oh, Ma, I'm just glad
everything worked out.

I never want to have to
go through that again.

Oh, I knew it would all be OK.

Rose, I think you deserve
a lot of the credit.

You were smart enough to
double-check on that fire inspector.

Yes.
I'm proud of you, Rose.

Hey, you make it sound like it's
the only smart thing I ever did.

I'll have you know I've done a lot
of smart things over the years.

Remember?