Original subtitles

I met that director you were talking about.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

She's great. She's healthy and normal...

(CAR HONKS)

Wait! Wait, no! Don't jump.

No drama.

♪ ("ELLOS QUIEREN SANGRE" BY VARSOVIA PLAYS) ♪

MRS. VALDEZ: (SPEAKING SPANISH)

MARK STEVENS: Are you ready to change your life

and take control of your future?

ÚRSULA:

TATI:

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

WATER'S SHADOW: (SPEAKING IN BUBBLING SOUNDS)

WATER'S SHADOW:

WATER'S SHADOW:

WATER'S SHADOW:

WATER'S SHADOW: (CRASHING WATER SOUNDS)

♪ ("ELLOS QUIEREN SANGRE" BY VARSOVIA PLAYS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

NARRATOR:

(SCOFFS)

(EERIE RINGTONE PLAYS)

WOMAN:

♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(CLOCK TICKS)

ÚRSULA:

♪ (INFOMERCIAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC ENDS) ♪

ANDRÉS:

MELISSA GIBBONS: (IN ENGLISH) And another American corporation over here,

and another over here.

Hey, are we out of the Dunkin' ones?

Ambassador Gibbons, the spooky people are here.

Oh, it's Renaldo, and some other people.

Okay, everyone leave.

Get out unless you're Renaldo, his friends or me.

So, I guess that just leaves you, Jessica.

I'm sorry, this is the end of the road for you.

You led me astray. You told me the bangs were good

when they were a total disaster.

People laughed in the face of America.

JESSICA: I understand.

I won't forget everything that I've learned here,

and even though I won't become the next American ambassador,

I've met some amazing girls.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

So hard to let girls go.

-So, what brings you here. -(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Oh wait, you know what I need?

I need to find my translating gem.

Hmm!

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Oh my god, you have to stay downtown.

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) I love that, and I can do that like this. (SNAPS.)

But I have another idea.

I get you the visas, and in return,

you get something I need.

It's a... highly sensitive diplomatic matter.

It's top secret, really hush-hush.

I have a week's vacation coming up. I'm going to Tulum,

and (SIGHS) I'll finally have some time to just relax.

Just me, the sun, the sand,

and my seven security guards surrounding my private beach.

But, obviously, a week is not enough.

I need to add on an additional week after that.

And there's only one way of doing that,

and that's by faking my own abduction.

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) I don't care. Whatever it is,

just make sure everyone at the office sees it,

let them know that I'll be gone for a full two weeks,

and that if I come back with a tan, it's no big deal.

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) I'm not done.

Oh wait, I am. (CHUCKLES)

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) I'm getting abducted!

And this time it's fine because I organized it.

(IN SPANISH)

♪ (INFOMERCIAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

(IN ENGLISH) Yes! Whatever it is, yes!

(IN SPANISH)

MRS. VALDEZ:

MRS. VALDEZ:

MR. VALDEZ:

ANDRÉS:

MR. VALDEZ:

MRS. VALDEZ:

MR. VALDEZ:

MR. VALDEZ:

MRS. VALDEZ: Yes.

-MRS. VALDEZ: -MR. VALDEZ:

BEATRIZ:

MARLEN:

MARLEN:

MARLEN: (CHUCKLES)

(CHIMES TINKLE)

(IN ENGLISH)

ANDRÉS VALDEZ:

Hmm?

SONIA: (IN ENGLISH) Hello to all my fans.

(TEARFULLY) Thank you so much for watching my GoFundMe video.

So, like, what happened is that I was on my way

to give canned goods to a church and out of nowhere,

an airplane hits me like, bam, on the head.

You know, like a bitch.

And, anyway, click the link in my description

so you can see my other GoFundMe video

where my TV was taken from me by a large tornado.

Thank you and God bless.

Wow. You got so many done today.

Every time you open your mouth,

all I hear is "bitch, bitch, bitch."

That's too bad. I'm sorry.

SONIA: I can't take all this abuse.

-(DOORBELL RINGS) -Oh... that just--

-(KNOCKING) -Here, you can watch it.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Tico. Oh, Tico! Tico, there you are.

Oh, I've been knocking and knocking on every door.

NEIGHBOR: Excuse me, can you please keep it down?

-BIANCA NOVA: Ooh! -Sorry.

BIANCA: I found him! The man I've been looking for.

The man who saved my life.

I cannot thank you enough

for reigniting the flame of inspiration in me.

Now, what should this movie be about?

I don't even wanna know who this woman is,

but it is clear you are using again.

I never used.

Ooh... let's get to the business of creating.

Now, what should this movie be about?

I'm not really creative,

but my nephew's coming with his friends.

We can wait for him.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No. If we don't start writing today,

I'm gonna go home and swallow a bowl of marbles.

-♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ -(BELL RINGING)

TATI:

♪ (INFOMERCIAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

-(DUCK QUACKING RINGTONE) -♪ (INFOMERCIAL MUSIC STOPS) ♪

MARK STEVENS: (IN ENGLISH) Hi, I'm calling from Hierbalite. Your payment--

(IN SPANISH)

(PHONE RINGS)

(IN ENGLISH) Hi, I'm calling from Hierbalite Collections.

Is this Miss Úrsula I'm speaking to?

(CHUCKLES) Well, good evening to you and your family.

This is just a friendly reminder that you're out of time.

(SINISTERLY) Where's my money, bitch?

Do you know who the fuck you're talking to?

I'm the Hierbalite CEO, Mark Stevens,

and I personally handle collections.

Chasing down people like you is what I live for.

You have five days to come up with my fucking money.

Please remain on the line for a brief survey

about our call today.

Mark's threats were: A, concise and articulate,

B, a little vague and confusing, C...

-(KNOCKING) -CARMENCITA: (IN SPANISH)

RENALDO:

(SINGING)

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(CLEARS THROAT)

♪ (INFOMERCIAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ ("TE ENTERRARÉ EL TACÓN" BY ZEMMOA PLAYS) ♪

PONY:

-ANDRÉS: -TATI:

ANDRÉS:

ANDRÉS:

TATI:

♪ (INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

PONY:

ANDRÉS:

PONY:

BIANCA: (IN ENGLISH) And then the werewolf...

What's a fun, interesting job?

A job? Um...

A parking valet.

That's good. Yes.

So-- so then, the werewolf is a valet.

And then... it's nighttime.

That's always good. Nighttime is good.

And then, he goes to the valet stand,

and all of a sudden, he, uh... he can't find the keys.

And so, um... the lady, she's really mad.

She says, "I've been waiting here for two hours.

And I've got another party to go to,

and you're holding me back, and I should sue you."

Oh, this is so good. It's very real.

And then she says, "Are you okay?

Why are you a werewolf?"

"Why are you a werewolf?"

-Who should the girl be? -Um...

Anne Hathaway?

That is... that's just wonderful.

I'm so tired. You type.

(PHONE RINGS)

Beep, beep.

Tico, are you gonna make it?

I can't right now. I'm helping my friend, uh...

-make a movie to write. -(BIANCA GIGGLES)

MANNY: Oh, Tico, what little adventure have you fallen into now?

(CHUCKLES) Don't worry. I sent someone else, okay?

Oh...

Hello. It sucks to be all by yourself right now

because your owner was talking to me earlier

and calling me something like a bitch,

but I guess you're the bitch now, right?

♪ ("INFERNO CLUB" BY ACID WAVES PLAYS) ♪

(CARMENCITA GIGGLES)

-(IN SPANISH) -♪ (MUSIC ENDS) ♪

(CARMENCITA SIGHS)

KRISSY: (IN ENGLISH) Oh my god, it's so big!

And it's for Melanie.

-We have to tell Melanie. -Melanie!

Melanie, you have a package.

(IN SPANISH)

TATI:

REPORTER: (IN ENGLISH) Ambassador Gibbons,

how do you think history will remember

your country's response about the border crisis?

Border crisis?

I thought this was for People en Español

and you were going to ask me what's in my bag.

Melanie, a package just came for you.

Thank God.

JJ: (GASPS) She's here! She's here!

Huh? A present for me?

I wasn't expecting anything at all today.

And right before my one week vacation. Who's it from?

The card just says, "Hell".

Fun!

(PAPER CRINKLES)

JJ: Oh, it's a mirror.

Oh, it's a beautiful mirror.

Oh, but maybe it's a political statement

forcing us to examine ourselves.

Oh no, get rid of it.

Oh, no, it's okay. It's just a mirror. Okay.

RENALDO: (IN SPANISH)

(IN DISTORTED VOICE)

-(ANDRÉS LAUGHS EVILLY) -RENALDO:

KRISSY: (IN ENGLISH) Oh my god! She's gone.

Who's gonna tuck us in at night?

RENALDO: (IN SPANISH)

MELANIE: (IN ENGLISH) What the hell happened?

RENALDO: (IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Um, okay, now I'm stuck in some kind of mirror void?

I thought you guys were makeup artists!

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Well, this sucks. Now I'm gonna miss my flight.

(IN SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Oh, honey, I'm stuck in a mirror.

I'm not giving you shit.

You get me out of here, I'll think about it.

(IN SPANISH)

MELANIE: (IN ENGLISH) You better get me--

(GIGGLING)

(MIRROR SHATTERS)

RENALDO:

♪ ("MONSTRUO" BY MUERAN HUMANOS PLAYS) ♪