Original subtitles

( Holly plays Happy Birthday )

- Recognize that tune?

You've probably sung it a million times,

but do you have any idea who wrote it?

So if the person who penned

the most popular song in the English language

can't be remembered for their accomplishment,

what chance do the rest of us have?

I know I did not act in the manner

befitting a Hobbie, unless you're Grandma,

who suggested I withold the truth.

Or Robbie, who witheld the truth in the first place.

Sorry, what was the question again?

- Why did it take you so long to tell us that Robbie

was responsible for the destruction

of Mr. Dodge's cucumber? - Take your time, Holly-kins.

- Because every word will be used against you.

- I plead the fifth.

What about the fourth? - Sure. If you can name it.

- Fine. I just didn't want

my big brother to get into loads of trouble.

But that's not exactly a crime, is it?

- No! The real crime is Holly outed me in the first place!

- So you don't think you deserve to be in loads of trouble?

- It was an accident! No harm was done!

- Except to the cucumber. - Which was a dumb vegetable.

- Actually, it's a fruit. It has seeds.

- And Mr. Dodge,

he spent years trying to grow one for the record books.

- OK. My point is it was the bull that did it,

not me, so if anything the bull should be in trouble,

or my buddies for suggesting we do

the stupid viral challenge, or society for creating social media,

which forces teens to do outrageous things

for positive feedback. - So just to be clear,

you're blaming society? - Or the bull.

- And was it the bull's idea to blame Tyler for a crime

he didn't commit? - He didn't speak up, did he?

- So you don't think you owe Tyler an apology?

- For copping to a crime he didn't commit

and totally complicating my life? No!

If anything, Tyler owes me an apology.

Thanks to him, I'm in hot water with you guys

and Robbie hates my guts. - Well...

I think we have all the information we need.

(soft music)

- Someone is trying to learn

about the Roman Empire. - Hey, traitor!

Any word from the parental units?

- No. What about you, ruiner of cucumbers?

- No. This is literal torture.

- No. Literal torture is what happened to Valerian.

He was forced to drink molten gold. - If you hadn't outed me,

we would be in trouble. - Maybe they've decided

we've already paid the price for our actions.

- It happened after he let his guard down and showed up to negotiate

a peace treaty with his enemy. - Hi, kids!

That's for you. - And you. Go ahead. Open them.

- A hammer? - And nails?

- I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

(tearing)

- As punishment for your crimes,

we've volunteered your handyman services

to help Old Man Dodge at his farm.

Tomorrow. - No. Absolutely not.

We're playing Merrickville tomorrow.

- After, Robbie's going to drive everyone to the Open Mic

so it can be the biggest ever! - The town hates me because of the cucumber.

Winning this game is the only way to turn them around.

- But then, all you'd learn is that if you're good at football,

you can get away with anything. - Yeah. A valuable lesson!

- Please! Literally any other day.

- We chose tomorrow for a reason.

The cucumber was important to Mr. Dodge,

something neither of you appreciate.

So i stands to reason, you lose out

on something important, too. - Well said.

- Thank you. - OK!

- But I was working on a new set!

- Eye for an eye. Your mom's gone biblical.

- Actually, that concept is Babylonian.

I know things!

- Wherever it's from, it's unfair. Not just to me,

but to all the talented people who signed up.

I'm trying to create a safe place

where people can express themselves.

But this week, all I'm building is a heaping pile

of disappointment. - Breathe.

- What if I take the reigns of the Open Mic this week?

- You?

Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.

It's a lot of work. - I could help too.

I don't have cheerleading practice tomorrow.

- Great! That's...

so great. You two...

working on my Open Mic.

Together. - Yay!

I'm so glad you agreed! - Yay!

- ♪♪♪♪ You and me run to a different beat ♪♪

♪♪ We are brave, lead the way Lead the way ♪♪

♪♪ Be the you inside And watch the world take fly ♪♪

♪♪ You're brave, lead the way Lead the way ♪♪

♪♪ Be the change ♪♪

♪♪ Be the change ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta be the change ♪♪♪♪

- Now, those don't look like working hands.

- Don't worry. Whatever you've got, we can handle it.

- You're building a chicken coop.

- That's a lot of lumber for a chicken coop.

- Here are the plans.

And I want screws, not finishing nails.

You know how to use these? - Yes, sir.

- Good. Because I expect 90 degree angles.

You got phones on you? - No. Our parents took them.

- Good. Because I want you focused on work, not friends.

- This is cruel and unusual punishment.

- Well, when you get your phone back,

you can call child services.

- This is going to take forever.

- Then we better get started!

- Six miles in under a hour.

What an amazing way to kick off the day.

Can I help you find something? - Nope.

I'm good. I am ...

just looking for... the sewing kit.

- Uh-uh! I knew it. Turn around.

Drop your sweatshirt.

You split your pants!

We... are going shopping. - Not necessary.

I'll just stitch it up once I find the sewing kit.

- There's not enough fabric. - Then I'll wear something else.

- Everything you own is too short or too tight. - Then I'll leave as is.

Some morons pay hundreds for ripped jeans.

- Get ready. We're leaving in ten minutes.

- You don't have to do this. Come on! You know how this goes.

You pick something I hate, I pick something you hate,

then boom! World War Three. Kim Jong Un didn't even have

to launch a nuke. - So you're saying

that the worst day you could imagine is shopping with me?

- It's going to take the whole day?

- Oh! I can make it two.

- So much for world peace.

- What if Piper and Amy forget to light the candles?

- Then there will be no candles. - Which means the ambience will be off.

It will be too dark and people won't be able to see

or too bright and it'll be awkward.

- This is not a tragedy. A tragedy would be

if they couldn't find the fire extinguisher. - Why would they need

a fire extinguisher? - In case they find the candles,

accidentally knock one over, the entire place catches on fire

and everybody dies a horrible death and blames you.

- Me? But I'm not even there! - Exactly. If you had been,

none of this would've happened. - That would definitely

make this the worst Open Mic ever.

Not to mention the last. - That's a tragedy.

- You look parched. Let me get you some water.

- Would you like a couple scoops of rum raisin

with that, Missy? - That'd be great!

Or not. Never mind.

But while I'm here, do you mind if I make a quick call?

- Phone's over there. - Thanks.

I've got a life or death situation on my hands.

How do you use this?

- What's the number?

- Oh! I forgot my best friend's phone number.

Does it ever happen to you?

- My best friend's been dead for ten years.

- Oh! Uh... I am sorry for your loss.

(clears throat)

You don't happen to have a computer, do you?

(laughs)

These are great. Who did them? - What's it to you?

- Hello?

- [The fire extinguisher's by the door.] - I know.

Where are you calling from? - [1995.]

I just wanted to check in. - [And make sure]

[I was up to date on my fire safety protocol?]

- Have you calculated? I don't think we have enough food.

- [Why isn't there enough food?] [Did you eat it all?] - Don't worry,

everything's fine. - Hey, Holly.

[You didn't tell her, did you?] - Tell me what?

- [Nothing. Gotta go.] - Amy Abbasi,

I've known you since the cradle. I know every embarrassing thing

that has ever happened to you and I will reveal them all

at the most inopportune moment if you do not spill your guts

this second. - [Piper got]

[the Radical Llamas.] - THE Radical Llamas?

They only play in Bureau County. How did you get them to come to Collinsville?

- [Xylophone Zack.] - [You know, the weird kid]

[who makes Youtube videos of himself playing the xylophone.]

- [Christine Shaw's brother. And Ryder, the drummer]

[from the Radical Llamas, has a crush on Christine.]

- So you think she'll bring Ryder?

- [Of course not! But she's posted online]

[she's going and now he's begging to perform]

[so he can show off his guitar skills.] - [And we think with them,]

[plus the post-football game crowd, we'll have...]

[74 people, with a variance of plus or minus 3.]

- I'm glad I checked in.

You're gonna need more food. - [Right.]

[We should get back at it.] - [Bye, Holls.]

- Huh.

So that's what qualifies as life and death for kids these days.

- So is everything falling apart without you? - Worse.

It's going to be the best Open Mic ever

and do you know who's responsible for that?

Not me, the one who started it all. Piper.

Because she got Xylophone Zack.

- That weird kid who makes the Youtube videos?

- How are you so okay with this?

You're missing a huge game and without you,

your team will lose and everyone will blame you.

And then your legacy in this town won't be

star quarterback, it will be... Cucumber Murderer.

- Hey, the bull did the murdering.

Robbie was just along for the ride.

- Uh... Robbie, why are your buddies here?

- To take me to the game. - But we have

to finish the coop. - And we will,

quickly, with their help, then split to get

to our respective obligations. - This was your plan all along?

Why didn't you tell me?

- Well... You can't keep a secret.

- (laughing): Burn!

- So are you in or out?

- Mom and Dad are already mad.

It's not like they could get madder.

Right?

- You done with the ramp yet? - Just give me 10 more minutes.

- You better hurry. The base is done.

- That was quick.

Should you have all those pieces left over?

- Couldn't find a place for them.

- Did you read the instructions?

- Don't worry. It's like Lego. There's always pieces left over.

- I don't know. Maybe we should ask Farmer Dodge.

- Holls, we are on a deadline here.

- What if it's important to the integrity of the coop?

- It's for chickens, not royalty.

Now hurry up and finish that ramp.

- Oh! Uh... Hello, Mr. Dodge.

- I see you brought reinforcements.

Bet you all have an appetite. I've set out some lunch

for you inside. - That's so kind of you!

- But we've got a real rhythm going on and we don't want

to mess with it. Sorry, sir. You understand, right?

- Yup. It's clear as a whistle

You're a bunch of hard workers. Bet your parents are real proud.

- They will be once we finish this coop.

- What about this fetching garment?

- Oh! Oh, I love that. - It's a skirt.

- Actually, it's a skort. - Even worse.

Now this is something I could get behind.

Hmm? - "““Sarcasm. A natural defense

against stupid."”” - Functional and educational.

- Well, is there any chance you'd consider something without a punchline?

- What about this? This seems to be more in line

with your essence. - A dog eating a hot-dog?

Spectacular. Any more like that?

(sights)

- Would you like some chamomile tea?

It's very calming. - We can just pay for those.

- So there's nothing that I picked out that you like?

Not even a bit?

- The cherry shirt wasn't the worst.

- You like it? - Sure.

- Then what about... What about this blue cardigan?

I mean, they look so cute together.

- If you say so... - Great! OK. You go inside

and try everything on to make sure they fit properly.

And this.

And this. And... this. Just for fun.

And I... I will take that tea.

- Make that two.

- Uh...

Is it supposed to sag like that? - Whatever.

If we don't leave now, we're going to be late.

Holls, let's go.

- It doesn't look structurally sound.

I don't want to be responsible for the coop killing a bunch

of innocent chickens! We have to fix it.

- Fine. Go ahead. - By myself?

- Whatever. It's your fault we're here in the first place.

- I knew you were still mad at me!

- Mom and Dad would've never found out

if you hadn't said something. - What were my options?

Let Tyler Flaherty take the blame?

- His mom's the mayor. He would've been fine.

Besides, if it wasn't this that got him branded,

it'd be something else. The kid's a delinquent. - Takes one to know one.

- Ouh! - Tyler's not a delinquent.

He's... a really nice guy who's just misunderstood.

- Ouh! - Shush, you.

- Robbie, we're going to be late.

- Mom and Dad are going to be furious!

- They'll forgive me eventually. But if the team loses the

because I'm not there, the town won't.

- You, Robbie Hobbie,

are not a nice guy! I hope you break your leg

in that stupid game of yours!

(sights)

(grunting)

(frustrated scream)

- Need a hand?

Where's that brother of yours? - He ditched me

and now he's going to win and be feted town hero.

Everyone's going to adore him and I'm stuck here.

It's just not fair.

- Life isn't fair. Never has been.

- Yeah, but everyone gets their just desserts, right?

- Or they get a college scholarship,

go on to the NFL, makes loads of money and marry a model.

- But they're not happy. - Ha! Ha! Ha!

Sounds like a sweet life to me. Better than spending

your golden years growing the largest cucumber on record

to have it destroyed by a bunch of careless kids.

- I'm really sorry, sir. - Well, this ain't no gulag.

You want to go, go. - Really?

- You're not doing any favors by sticking around

and doing a crappy job. (laughs)

- Thank you. We're home!

Ha! Ha! Ha! - I hope you robbed a

while you were at it. - We spent the whole morning

shopping on Main Street. Tell Dad how much fun we had.

- So much fun.

I have homework. - OK. Hang on! Just one second.

Doesn't Heather look so stunning in her new duds?

- Like a whole new girl. - Take this upstairs.

- No.

- Ha! Ha! Ha! Very funny. Here.

- You heard what I said. - Take the bags up for your mom.

- She can take them up herself! - Oh, so I go

and I buy all these new clothes for you and you're acting

like a spoiled little brat? - I hate these clothes

and if you want a kid who doesn't,

maybe you should find yourself a whole new daughter!

- I've been thinking.

You did grow the biggest cucumber

even if you don't have a certificate to prove it.

- It's... better. I mean, it's not perfect,

but it's definitely better. - It's incredible.

Where'd you get the plans for it?

- Just something I dreamt up. - Those prints in your study...

Those are yours? - I always wanted

to be an architect, but things didn't go

according to plan. - You're not dead yet.

Sorry.

That was an inside thought. That escaped.

- My wife would have liked you.

She died last year.

We never did have kids, so I guess when I go,

there won't be anyone left to remember me.

- I will. You taught me how to master a tight miter joint.

And to be honest, that's way more useful

than a giant cucumber. - Well,

I guess that's something, isn't it?

And sweetheart, you're no master.

- Well, then I guess I'll have to come back for lessons.

- I'd like that.

Actually, I think you can still make your Open Mic.

- Actually...

There's another mess I have to clean up first.

(knocking) - Heather! Honey!

Forcing you to wear clothes that make you uncomfortable

isn't fair. But those clothes,

they were about me, not you. - And how you wish

I was more like you. - Exactly.

But...

not in the way you think, though. OK?

Look, I... I mean, I...

I suck at baseball and building things

and that card game you always play. - Which one?

- Well, all of them. And...

sometimes I worry that... we have nothing in common.

- So you bought me clothes I hate?

- No, I didn't want you to hate them.

I wanted you to love them and then I wanted you to...

love me more for finding them.

- Why do you care what I wear?

- It's a very good question.

Well...

I guess I'm one of the only women in town

with a big job. And your father,

he does all the heavy lifting at home and some people,

especially ones with ovaries, they judge me for that.

So when one of you gets in trouble

or walks around in ripped jeans,

I know that people, they talk. Not about you,

but about me

and how I'm failing you. - So which is it?

You care what other people think or what I think?

- Both?

I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

- Yeah, me too. (both laugh)

(panting)

- What is it? - Robbie.

- Hey! Your Mom said I'd find you here.

- So does another crime need a scapegoat?

- Yes.

A murder.

(laughing): You play smart, but you're very gullible.

- So you came here to insult me. - No...

I came to apologize.

And I was wrong to believe that you were responsible

for the cucumber. So I am willing

to grant you one favor. - Like what?

- I could clean your room. - We have a maid.

- I could cook a meal. - We have a chef.

- Can we just be friends again?

- Were we... friends before?

- A long time ago,

before you told everyone I peed my pants.

And then sort of again before you took off

and didn't tell anyone where you were. Yeah, actually,

I'm starting to believe that you owe me an apology.

Why did you say you destroyed the cucumber when you didn't?

- When everyone thinks the worst of you,

it's better to just let them believe it.

- I don't think the worst of you.

(people laughing)

(xylophone music) I built that

Isn't it cool? - It'd be cooler if we were inside.

- I can make that happen.

(xylophone melody)

- Holly! What are you doing here?

Why aren't you at the hospital?

- Oh, my goodness! Are you okay?

- I tore my ACL.

I was desperate to prove myself and I was willing

to do anything to do it. - Including trying to

through a 250 pound linebacker.

He needs surgery

and football might be done for a while.

- This is all my fault.

I wished for you to break your leg.

- Cool. Then I'd like a million dollars.

If you're magic now. Or at least a sweet TV for my room.

(scoffs) Look...

Holls, this is my fault. I'm the one thing in life

I can control. And this is how I'll be remembered.

- Robbie, life is long.

I'm sure, given enough time,

you'll be remembered for doing something even dumber.

(laughter)

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Kids!

- Maybe it doesn't matter how we're remembered.

Maybe the best we can do is put as much good

out into the universe and hope some of it sticks.

Although, just between you and me,

I'd kill to write a song people love as much as Happy Birthday.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

♪♪♪♪♪♪

Close-captioning by Sette Inc.