Original subtitles

Thank you.

No,

no, no. A gente não deveria estar aqui.

A selva não quer a gente aqui.

Tem.

We have to do this.

What's waiting for us will change our lives.

Right? Fine.

I'm going alone.

Ana! Ana!

Don't do this!

Hey! No!

No!

We start tight on a full moon, milky, almost yellow.

We crane down to reveal an idyllic suburban street.

We float past a series of white picket fences until we settle on a sewer grate.

It flies open.

Something big and scaly slid it out.

Fat, hungry, definitely not human.

as a pulsating score kicks in.

We're on the back of the beast as it slithers menacingly towards a little

house.

wedding video you're talking about. Yeah, though I actually don't think of

as videos. They're more like short films. Yeah, because I'm not sure this

quite what we had in mind.

Okay, I know. It's a little different than normal, but... I really like the

you did for Karen and Bart.

When they walk by the river and jump up and down. That jump was dope. And I love

that song they used. I don't want to wait for our lives to be over.

I want to know right now, how does it feel?

like you guys and you said you're horror fans and i'm like i love horror so much

and i thought this could be special you know what i mean this is a film you're

going to watch for the rest of your life but this isn't a film doug this is a

wedding video and we want one where they do a little jump yeah can you do that

for us or not

Oh, yeah, I feel much crazier.

Okay, good.

Does it sound better to say my line, his vision is blurry, which could suggest,

or his vision is blurry, which could suggest, or I could, you know what, I

even do it like an accent. I could do it just... Oh, I think you should do it

the way you auditioned it, honey.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's been a while since I've booked anything, and I just want it to go well.

Yeah. Just power it out there.

Sorry. Doctor number three?

We're ready for you. Okay, knock him down.

Okay, thanks.

Thank you, Donna. Hey, by the way, if you ever need anything from Lowe's, I

hook you up with my employee discount, no question.

Okay.

Demo with these days of tramadol?

Any idea what I'm looking at here?

He said his vision was blurry, so, you know, that could suggest... Baltic

neuritis.

Already ruled that out.

Cut!

Hey, buddy, not sure what that accident is. Just do it normally, okay?

We're gonna go again right away.

He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest... Cut!

Say the line faster, okay? Faster this time.

He said his vision was blurry, which could suggest... Cut!

I think we gotta fire this guy. Can we get somebody else in here?

Jerry. What is this thing about some kind of sewer monster?

Oh, boy.

Doug.

Look, I get that this is not what you dreamed about when you were a kid.

But dreams, they go.

Now, I'll be retiring soon, and Doug, it is only a matter of time before all

this is yours.

Really? Yeah. Look around.

Take it all in.

And imagine.

If you do it right, it's a pretty sweet setup we got here. This is a B and maybe

even a B plus life we're talking about.

Are you sure you don't want to do anything for your birthday?

You should make me celebrate your half birthday.

Let's go get a beer.

Something.

Maybe we should watch that new mountain climbing doc.

About the lady that falls to her own death?

Yeah.

about the free diver in the Maldives.

I don't know. Let's just take a gummy and go to bed early.

Oh, my God. No.

Yes, yes. You love a good big birthday party. You knew about this?

It was my idea.

Buddy, take my coat, please. Thank you. Hey, how are you?

I'm sorry.

No, that's not... The actual lotion, the actual basket. It puts the lotion in

the basket? eBay, buddy. Judy, that is sick. Yeah, no, that is actually sick.

Oh! Happy birthday, Dougie. Thanks for making the trip, Claire.

Oh, you know I love Buffalo this time of year.

The blush, the hypothermia.

What's up? No Trent?

No Trent.

Ever again, in fact.

He started banging his dental hygienist.

Anyway, tonight is all about you, baby.

It's about me. It's about you.

You came! Here you are!

Oh, my God.

It's been too long, pal.

It's so good to see you. It has been way too long. Happy birthday.

Thank you for coming out here.

You don't want to miss this? Never. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

Many years ago, a group of young, passionate artists had a vision.

It was a vision that's not particularly original or even good.

But it was there.

And so...

that vision a reality.

And without further ado, I present to you a completely unrestored print

of 13 -year -old Doug McAllister's masterpiece, The Quatch.

What? I thought we lost all the copies of that.

Nope. I found it in my mom's garage. It was stuck in the player. Are we sure

this is okay for the kids to watch?

I don't give a shit. Mrs. Brown had us bleep all the swears so we could show it

at the school assembly. It didn't make much sense because we were very clear

about it being R -rated. Happy birthday, pal.

This isn't happening.

Oh, it's happening. Here we go.

Oh,

I'm going to kill you.

I haven't changed a bit.

We've been watching a lot of Scorsese.

He didn't quite have the ear for it, did we?

So much charisma.

I'm glad you had it. I still can't believe I let Doug Cockney do that.

Cockney, but it was your idea.

He's coming for us. We're trapped.

What the hell are we going to do?

Oh, my God. We're all going to die.

This is where it gets real.

Not on my watch.

Well, I'm giving it to you. It left the TV because you can't get it out.

It was right after.

Right after your year of college. Yeah, that's when Anaconda came out. Remember,

we saw it like 30 times.

Put it right there alongside the classic.

Totally. How about that cat? Come on. J -Lo? Ice Cube?

Owen Wilson?

Stoltz? I mean, it's a murderer's row.

Plus, the snake was like a metaphor for our lives at that moment.

is coming at you hunting you and forcing you like off your back like

your parents health insurance i don't know no it's true

it wasn't like that how about that uh accent by john boyd how about that's a

choice they get you wrap around you and you do you get the privilege of hearing

your bone break before the power

the rights to anaconda what i have the rights to anaconda

yeah apparently the movie was based on a novel by some dead japanese

guy and my agent introduced me to his widow unbelievably she she

was such a fan of the four episodes that i did on swat that she gave me the

right so what are you gonna do with them Uh, well, not me.

I... We're going to reboot the thing.

Indie style.

Three weeks.

Run and gun. In the Amazon.

Skeletal crew. Claire, you and I can star. Penny, you shoot it. Doug, you

direct. Huh? Come on. What do you think?

I mean, it's a wonderful idea in theory, but... I mean, I need time off from

work. Yes, you can, Kenny. Sweet.

Kenny, what are you talking about? Yes, you're it. No, he's not in.

He said, like, one thing and you're in already. You're going to the Amazon.

He's not in. What do you say, Claire?

I just, I don't know if I'm in the right headspace right now. Of course you are.

Of course you're not in the right headspace. It's the best headspace. Are

kidding me? Come on. It's like he pray love and shit.

Come on.

You know what?

I'm in.

Totally shit anyway, so.

God, I'm so happy to hear that.

I mean, not that your life is shit, but that you're in.

Besides, as soon as Doug says yes, we'll probably need you to finance the whole

thing. What?

Doug?

Griff, I'm sorry.

I got responsibilities. Got Mailey, Charlie, my job.

I know.

Making a wedding gift.

No, Grant.

It's a good life, you know.

The B, B plus life.

B, B plus life.

It's a good life.

Do you remember when we were kids and we would stay up till four in the morning

hanging around the basement watching horror movies?

Scaring the shit out of ourselves.

Texas Chainsaw on, like, repeat.

Now we have the chance to make one ourselves.

Dude, that's what we dreamed about ever since we were little kids.

I hear you.

But we're not kids anymore, Griff.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Charlie, why don't you go check on those cookies?

Okay, but I'm pausing it, so... Don't touch it.

Gonna need some ice cold milks with that.

You got it.

What are you doing?

What? Just go make the movie.

Bailey. Come on. Every time you watch this thing, you light up. Like, I

seen you light up in a long time.

So what? I'm supposed to chase some Hollywood fantasy I had as a kid?

Waste a bunch of money and time, and for what? In the end... What's it gonna

change?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

We hope you come to celebrate as we become the handsome!

Holy shit.

lives to be like over what are you talking about the anaconda thing

you were serious right yes very then let's do it

let's reboot anaconda yeah yeah

I figured we need three weeks of shooting. Some VFX, some SFX, a

riverboat captain, travel to and from a jungle, and a gigantic real snake.

Rental.

Rental. Copy. All in. Two, two and a half million dollars.

That sounds right.

We've approved a loan for you for up to $9 ,400.

Yep. I've revised the budget down to...

43 ,000 all in. That sounds more right. Now, the film does have to be scary,

right? Terrifying. But it can't just be about a giant snake killing people.

Exactly. It has to be about something, right?

Right.

I mean, themes.

Come on. Like, what about revenge? In terms of themes, that's like one of the

top ones.

Oh, my God. I got a good one. Hit me.

Intergenerational trauma.

I love intergenerational trauma. Who doesn't love intergenerational trauma?

After that, we're on to something.

This is a masterpiece.

You're a goddamn genius.

I love it. Don't change a word. Not a word. You killed it. It's scary. It's

emotional. It's funny when it needs to be. Dude, thank you. Hey, Doug.

I know that we had our little dust up.

But I need to shoot this film, man. Stuffed up?

Yeah. He fired me from the wedding video stuff because I got a little wasted.

Knocked over the wedding cake.

But I'm dealing with it.

Like getting sober? Yes.

Well, I mean, Buffalo sober.

Buffalo sober?

Mm -hmm. Just beer and wine.

And then some of the lighter liquors. But definitely not all of them.

I'm going to go to you.

Doug?

If I'm being honest, I enabled you a little bit. Of course you get a second

chance. Let's do this.

Nice. Thank you, man.

Car's here.

And you have the meth liquid, right? You only take that once a week. Hey, Dad.

I forgot.

I'm talking to you.

I got you this.

What?

I know. Pretty thick.

The world's greatest Doug.

I thought it should say dad.

Whatever, man, that's funny.

I love it. It's much better.

I was reading about anacondas on a plane.

Basically, they wait in the water a day, stalking their prey, never moving, just

waiting. And then when a prey comes, snatch and grab it. A thousand pounds of

pressure. You think you're going to get away? You're not.

Crushing you.

Oxygen leaving your lungs.

Oh, God, it's terrible.

It's like in the movie Anaconda.

Yeah, exactly.

It's real.

Yeah, it's all real.

It's very real.

There's a story about this woman.

God bless her.

The snake wraps around her so tight.

The eyeballs just... No way!

It was my grandmother, Silvana.

Shit. Horrible grandmother.

I'm sorry,

who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. Carlos Santiago.

Yeah, you can call me Santiago.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, it's Kenny.

Kenny's on the phone. Kenny, yeah.

Hey, hi.

Yeah, this is our snake handler.

Oh, thank God. You're supposed to be in the back. No. You're supposed to be in.

We have a joker here.

No, I'm in the back.

Yeah. Uh -huh. Good.

So, welcome to Brazil.

Nice to meet you, Nate.

His food supply is destroyed by gold miners who put mercury in the river.

miners? Gold mining poisons our land.

Their greed almost killed my snake.

Oh. But I had him. I never think back to life. In many ways, he did

the same for me.

Right. The tale is old as time, saved by faith.

What's her name?

Was it, uh, Grip? Okay, Grip. It's not only his name.

My tiny giant, my friend.

One of the most important creatures of the arithmetological world.

No, of course, I, uh, sure. I didn't, I wasn't trying to... I, yes.

Okay. Let me introduce you.

Oh. Hey, Thor.

Hey, Thor. Oh, my goodness.

Hey, Thor.

Oh, hell yes! This thing is nuts!

There are rumors of condoms even bigger.

Maybe four or five times its size.

Go ahead, Kenny, from the phone. Um, is it true that they regurgitate their

prey? Sometimes.

I mean, if you're lucky, you die right away because of suffocation.

But only the unlucky ones survive.

Unlucky?

Yeah, because then you might actually be conscious when the snake comes back

to finish you off.

Gotcha. Ooh.

Better to die.

Hey, may I ask you a question?

Hey, guy.

He's kind of batshit crazy.

I mean, he's been friends with Snake.

Of course, he's a little quirky.

But I like him.

Really? Yeah.

Then again, I used up all my vacation days to come make it self -financed,

making me with you three, so... Your judgment's really off. My judgment is

Anybody talk to the captain? It's not a shoot. I'll reach out again.

Hi,

guys. My name is Anna. I believe you spoke to my father on the phone.

Bruno? That's your dad?

Yeah, he sent his apologies, but he's at the outro.

Oh. Ah, I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, you'll have to make other accommodations because I need to take

this boat upriver for a week in service. But I can assure you a full refund. No,

wait, wait.

Everything else is booked. Yeah. And we're going to shoot a movie. It's a

reboot. Maniconda? Technically, it's more of a reimagining, but it's actually

more of a spiritual update. Good for you.

There's got to be a way, right? We can crew the boat. There's nothing I can do.

We have dreamed of making this film together our entire lives.

Please. I am begging you.

Please. Help us find another way.

Let's do this. We'll do fast. Okay. Check.

Where did you find this boat?

Yes!

day tomorrow if you remember we had a tradition on all our films the night

before we started shooting we would say a prayer to the movie god asking them to

basically not screw us over and for the first time ever may they listen come on

to the movie god

Anaconda 350, take one. Bye.

Fellas!

What the hell are you still doing here?

I've come to take you home. It's time you stopped chasing this mythical snake.

And what if I'm not prone to giving up?

I didn't see you filming there.

What are we doing, APK? Background DVD bonus stuff.

The Anaconda is the story of an intrepid biologist, played by Claire, who hires

an unhinged...

Nick Tracker, played by Grip, to hunt down and kill a giant mythical conda

ate her entire family.

And on a deeper level, it's about chasing your dream.

What's it like shooting with Doug again?

Our best friend. We've worked together our whole lives, and I went out to L

and he was going to come out, and we were going to be a partnership, and he

didn't do it. Griff and I planned to work together in L .A., but, you know,

intervened. But it doesn't matter, because now we're together, and now

back. We're making this, and it's as it should be.

I am the instant.

They are going to move slow and steady.

Sometimes it goes fast.

Make P .O .B. R .V. Take one.

No, it's not working.

Make the OD the right way, day two.

Sometimes he goes from above in the trees, sometimes from below in the

The toothpick, it unlocked a couple of aspects of his character for me.

Something there.

Ah, I'll be nervous about doing a love story with Greg.

You guys used to date.

That was a long time ago.

A little bit of chaos was part of the ingredient.

Look at each other. This might be the last time you look at each other.

I think you'd be a little nicer to the guy who's out here to save your life.

You're an asshole.

And a TNT.

And cut.

Great stuff, guys.

We got it. Should we go one more time?

Want to try it again?

No, I'm good. You're good.

Let's go.

between you two and... Yeah? Like we were right back in high school.

Wouldn't you have looked out better?

Well, that's because of your notes.

About taking the beat right before you did it. Yeah, yeah, it made the scene.

I'll tell you, I never felt like this on SWAT. I mean, granted, I was only in a

couple of episodes, but it was never collaborative. It was never fun.

Not like this.

We were back on quad.

At the midway point, instead of talking the bad guy out of it, what if

Claire's character headbutts him?

Sorry, headbutts him?

Headbutts him. Or, or, we both do. Double headbutts.

Come on. Kind of revolutionary.

That's super revolutionary.

Why is that super revolutionary?

It's never been done.

This is a beautiful scene with real steak, Doug.

Feel free to weigh in here.

No, I hear you. I do. And as always, I trust your instincts on this.

But a double headbutt is pretty revolutionary. Right? It is. It's very

revolutionary. Yeah.

There's no denying it. None. Oh, come on. Claire, is the problem you just

know how to headbutt? Why would I not know how to headbutt? We're not born

these skills. We learn them along the way. Let me show you.

Tight core.

Breathe in. Hold that breath.

And you can vocalize.

Another kind of headbutt is more unleashed. Just full on.

You got the arms in there. That's good. Send that foot into the goal.

You know.

I would

go for the bridge of the nose. Just

crack it.

That's it.

That's it.

I'm sorry, but how could this happen, huh?

Tenny, I thought you said this guy was a pro.

That's what he said, but he hasn't provided us with a certificate.

You fixed the crate, right? It's taken care of? My thing, my job, under

All good.

My H .R., he's a beautiful, intelligent, smart, sexy creature.

He does exactly what I command.

And I would never let anything happen to you.

or the crazy one or her or her or the actor here so have a good night

may the sound of the forest be the music of her dreams

Actors on your mark.

Santiago, is Hytor ready?

Yes. Hytor's always ready. Hytor's ready. And action.

Cut, please.

Um, cut?

Yeah. All right, cut.

Kenny, do you mind if I... Santiago, take five. Hytor, five.

Hey, hey. Wow.

It's huge when you see an up -closing person like that.

Majestic creature.

But I throw myself in front of the snake to kind of protect Claire's character.

Right? Correct.

Is there any value in not doing that?

What? No.

No, no. He sacrifices himself for her.

It caps his arc. It's so important.

Right. And also, dude, it's totally safe.

Yeah.

All right, let's do this.

All right, take it from the top.

Back to one.

Santiago, high chord.

Action!

Go!

I'm not leaving!

Not without you, Jared. Stop me!

The world is depending on you. I'm depending on you!

God damn it, I love you, Jared! Bad oil!

Put your face right up next to the snake.

I don't like it. I don't want to do it anymore. Get closer.

He's friendly.

You've got to do.

No, I don't quite have it.

This is gold. Just give me one more second. One inch closer to your face.

Get it right up in there.

You're a hero.

Now you think this is strange.

A grown man get emotional over some dead neck.

But I love him.

And he loved me back.

Whatever way he could.

Oh, God.

No.

Why is Kenny crying?

No. Hey, I don't want you here. Not for this.

He tried to murder me.

Griff? What?

Let the man grieve. You murdered my friend!

Just get out of my face!

Where am I supposed to go? Griff!

Go! Just move!

my friend welcome

here my dear friend

What are you doing there?

I'm making a funeral of a snake, a snake shot, I think.

What is a funeral of a snake?

You have told me something.

No. Not you. No. I know. I'm sorry. I don't mean... I'm not trying to disturb

you. I just wanted... Just leave me alone. I'm sorry for your loss.

I know you don't believe me, but it's true. I really am.

A friend of mine died once, too, and it hurt.

Was it a snake?

Was it a snake?

No.

It was just a human person.

Oh.

That's a sad one.

Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Beer?

Well, how much beer? But, you know, I'll just mix it up.

A few commercials, TV.

A few episodes of SWAT.

Oh, SWAT?

Yeah. Oh, I like that one.

I even had the last line.

The last line of season three. So what happened?

The producers decided that... They didn't really need that character, so

got rid of me.

I mean, it's only been going about eight or nine more seasons.

They don't deserve you.

Yeah, you're a star.

Thank you. Yeah.

You're thinking about this?

I mean, an industrial... You know what movie I like? What? The Lajunov Badger

Event.

You should do a movie like that. Oh, man, I wish.

Yeah.

I like you.

I like you, too.

You know what? What? I'll get a news make for your movie now.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

You come with me, of course.

What?

Should we be in here?

Maybe we should head back.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

There's snakes around here. I can feel it.

What does it feel like?

I don't know. It's just very snakey. What? It's snakey?

Ah.

They hear from vibrations on the ground.

Every step we take, it's only them closer.

And when the jungle goes quiet, that's when you

know they're clones.

Yeah.

And then we should go back to the boat.

Think it'd be a good idea to go back to the boat. Go back to the boat.

Santiago!

Santiago!

Santiago!

Nope.

Hey, Pacquiao, I don't think you've come back.

Back? From what? We went out to go get a new snake. You went to find a snake in

the middle of the night? Yeah, but we need one for the movie. We were dark. We

got separated. It was crazy out there. Grif, grif, grif. What? You went out in

the middle of the night to find a juicy snake in the jungle? You know what

that's called?

Producing.

Really? I guarantee he will be back with a giant snake.

And you and I are making movies.

You're right. That guy doesn't prowl.

He'll be fine. If he's not back soon, we'll go look for him.

It's been over an hour. I have to go find him.

Well, you're not going alone.

Yeah, we're definitely coming with you. It's safer that way.

Have you guys tried this thing?

It is like a warm bowl of soup, but in chair form.

Yeah, man.

Chairs. And I told you, man.

They literally have arms, right?

Oh, wow.

Like when your parents are gone?

We still have tears, you know?

The hell are you talking about?

Let's go find Santiago.

Let's get a snake for our snake movie. Yeah, Santiago!

Let's go!

direction are we headed in?

Um, like that way.

Wait, Kenny, are you high right now? Yeah, but I'm good. I already peaked.

Christ, Kenny, we're completely lost.

Wait, you guys, this way.

It looks like an old camper van.

Wow. Looks totally abandoned.

Anybody home?

Maybe some food in the home here.

Oh, we could stay here.

Oh,

man, you've got a mess in here.

Dang. That's where that guy went.

Oh, my God. What is out there?

We got to go now.

Let's go. Let's go. We can't let him crush the van. Crush the van?

It's not with me. Watch.

It's a camper van. Probably.

It's got a smidgen.

The charged batteries have really probably popped off. It's underneath the

Hey, can you fix it? Usually I can fix it, yes, but I'm having some visual

problems because of the... You did it to me again. You did it on the wedding

video and then you wasted off your ass.

I'm dead.

I'm really sorry, boss.

Oh, buffalo sober.

You're buffalo sober.

Do you have any more?

Griff, please, can you fix it? I think I'm better suited to be your wheel man.

Talking about I've always been a better driver than you. Are you going to see?

driver i passed the driver's test on my first drive you took three times yeah

that's because of yield i didn't know now i know what that is oh my god we're

gonna die

Hey,

maybe we can ask these guys for help. We have to stop.

Do not stop the car. Anna, what is going on? They're illegal gold miners who

patrol the jungles around here.

These guys are dangerous.

They'll kill anyone processing to their territory.

Can't you drive any faster?

Whoa, whoa, Anna, what are you doing?

Where is she?

Oh, my God. Where is she?

Who? Who do you mean?

I know there's someone else here. So, where is she?

Let's go. Come on.

We gotta go. Fast.

Look, I can get you guys out of here. All we need to do is keep heading north.

There's a small airport about a day and a half from here.

You can get us home?

Yeah. Get us home. I think we got to call it.

Man, we've got such good stuff and we're so close.

Really?

We're going home?

Buddy, I know.

I don't want to go home empty -handed either.

But we came out here to make anaconda.

Emergency meeting.

Cast and crew only. Kenny, sit down. What is that?

Be patient.

We have some time before the next port, and I had an idea last night that I

think it's just too damn good not to shoot. Doug!

Everybody's pretty burnt, man.

Just hear me out. I'm begging you, please, Kenny. All right. Sorry, boss.

you. What if you two, on your way to find the anaconda, run into a total

on an incredible quest?

Oh, that's interesting.

Let me go.

So is illegal gold mining?

We don't raise the stakes.

Exactly. And while they're hunting down this mythical snake, they actually end

up fighting the real villain.

An even bigger snake.

Man. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Man. I like this.

This is good.

And if we add this element, it does make the movie much bigger.

Like now it's about something.

Theme. Theme.

Uh... Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

You know, guys, I didn't want to say anything before, but... This thing might

an awards play.

I mean, the Academy loves social work, right?

Dude, you could be the white Jordan Peele.

I was thinking the same thing.

We've been through so much, you guys.

Let's finish this movie.

I'm in.

Let's do it. Yeah.

Who are you going to get to play this new awesome character?

Homer!

What a naughty job.

And cut.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

Nice. Are you sure you've never acted before?

I swear.

Some of the best acting I've ever seen.

You're a natural.

You're incredible. Thank you. Take five. Next up, we got 72.

Guys,

you see what I'm saying?

She's incredible, right? Yeah, she is. Hey, a question, though.

If she saves us, it doesn't really give my character anything to do.

Yeah. This was supposed to be the moment where my character starts falling for

Derek, so he needs to do something heroic, you know? I'm selfish.

I don't know, you guys, this just feels like her moment. She actually did it in

real life.

But good news, I'm going to shoot all the rest on her so you guys have the day

off.

See you later.

Take the day off.

Huh.

This is our movie, Griff, and he's just cutting us out.

Yep. Welcome to show business, baby.

You're not in unless you're in.

screwed over by your friend.

You ever wake up and wonder, what the hell have I done with my life?

Yeah.

Like every day.

Hey, at least you had the guts to go after what you wanted. You think I

to go to law school?

What have I got to go for, though?

You know what I have?

I have a terrible apartment and a 74 -year -old roommate.

Sometimes I go to Trader Joe's just to... Feel air conditioning.

You at least have a career.

I mean, what do I have to show for it?

I got no family, no career.

Never done anything that matters.

Nothing.

Never too late.

a movie.

Hola, amigo. Jesus, come on, get dressed. We've got a packed day.

What are you talking about? I am dressed. I'm dressed really pretty, very

nicely. All right, can you just take a cold shower? We've got to film like now.

You know what you should call the movie?

Anaconda. Get it?

Anaconda. Because of Anna. Can you just get in costume?

You know what? You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me.

Without me, you'd still be stuck in Buffalo shooting your bullshit wedding

videos.

Films. Yeah, you can tell yourself that.

Mike, you know what? I vouch for you, too.

You're the rights holder. So, like, who is this guy? I said, trust me, he's

good.

What is that?

Are you guys shooting a movie?

We're doing a reboot of Anaconda.

Come again?

A reboot of Anaconda.

Anaconda? Like Ice Cube Anaconda?

Yes.

That's weird.

So let me get this straight.

You don't have the rights to Anaconda?

No, well, I... Not legally.

And you've never owned the rights to Anaconda?

I mean, who owned Anaconda?

Tony. Tony owned Anaconda. Yeah, no, no, no, I mean, like, you know...

In the larger sense.

Why would you tell us that you had the right to the goddamn Anaconda franchise

when you very much don't have the rights to the goddamn Anaconda franchise?

Do we really even need the rights, really? I mean, like, who gives a shit?

About IP?

Yeah. Literally everyone.

That's what big movies are! That's why we're here!

You think that's why we're here? Yes, that's why we're here! We almost died!

damn jungle for a lie. I had to lie.

I had to lie to you. You wouldn't have come otherwise. You wouldn't. None of

would have.

Bullshit. Not bullshit.

That's why you never came out to L .A. with me in the first place. Even though

we had a whole plan to work together.

Your whole life has been dictated by fear.

Griff, you're fired.

What? You're fired.

No, no, I'm not. You can't fire me. You know why?

Because I quit already.

Last night.

I just didn't tell anybody yet.

So... Too bad for you, I guess. Because I already quit.

on the Anaconda boat. Maybe they can help me get home.

Just think about this. It's not safe.

That's a tiny boat.

There's a giant snake out there.

Please don't do this.

J -Lo!

Ice Cube!

John Boyd!

Are you in this one?

It's okay!

It's okay!

Calm down! I'll come get you! It's okay!

You're safe!

You're safe!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Doug. Doug, what's going on? Why have we stopped?

Well, uh, Anna found a great place to shoot the next scene. The next scene?

Okay, I know. Losing Griff was hard, but between the four of us, we can finish

this film. I'm not going home empty -handed. Come on, man. Without Griff,

not part of the plan. Well, plans change, and that's part of filmmaking,

No, no, Doug, we... We have to go back for him. He's not safe out there. Anna,

we need to turn the boat around. We are not turning the boat around. Yeah, we're

not turning the boat around. Everyone up the boat now.

What's going on?

Anna, what are you doing? This definitely isn't the plan. Well, plans

Doug. Isn't that filmmaking?

And every good film needs a bit of a twist.

to the dog.

You're going to carry these for me back to the boat. Let's go. And then what?

And then you're going to shoot us?

No!

I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's inside these bags.

You want to look at it?

Look at it.

Wait.

Is that... Gold?

You're the miner?

You did all of this for money?

Very quick, Larry.

I'm not going to be part of your sick quest.

Holy shit.

Wait.

You don't move.

I'm with the government to track illegal gold miners.

And then here runs one of the biggest rings in Brazil.

Don't trust anything she says. She's a liar.

She's a damn liar.

We're filmmakers from Buffalo. We're working on a spiritual sequel to

And I don't know if she mentioned that, but it's not just a reboot.

And I kicked out my friend who had the lead. And I gave her a juicy -ass role.

And this is how she treats her. Shut up.

I don't know what you're talking about, man. Off topic. Go.

Arrest her. Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God!

Who shot me?

Maybe me, asshole.

Griff? No.

He was a good guy.

I'm a good guy. He's a cop!

Look, I don't... What?

I'm a good guy. Drop it on your knees now. They're part of you. Take him to

water.

Wait. No.

No,

no, Hannah.

Don't do this.

You too, Claire, on your knees now. You don't have to be this person.

I have children at home.

They're 10 and 13.

Please.

Please. Think about what you're doing to my kids. Just shut your mouth. Turn

around now.

That's how you headbutt, bitch!

You won't do it.

You don't have the balls. I know you, Claire.

You don't know me.

I don't even have kids.

Yeah, but so is the snake. We can't go that way. We've got to take this trail

and get to the high ground.

Wait, what's that?

What?

Did it bite you? Yeah, you know what? I think it bit me. I think it got me.

Yeah, I know it hurts, but we've got to get out of here now to get the snake out

there. Sorry, I can't move. My leg is freaking out.

What are we going to do?

We're going to have to piss on you, man.

Huh? On the bike is the only way.

I thought that was just jellyfish. No, no, no, no. It's all animals.

Are you sure? Positive.

Someone's got a pith. I need one of your piths.

I'd love to be able to help out, but I'm just, I am drained, tapped, bone dry.

Claire, you want to take care of this? I'm wearing a onesie. Jenny, we don't

have time to argue about this. You're right.

You know this is impossible.

Why not?

Because he's pee shy.

I have urinary stage fright. I haven't been able to pee in public in 35 years

my life.

Fuck! You can do this.

You have to do this.

Whiz on me.

You got it, buddy. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You can do it. You can do it. Let it flow. Let it flow. Yeah.

Just piss on me.

Come on, whiz on me.

Whiz on me. Do it. Whiz on me.

You don't think I want to?

I would love to piss all over you, man.

But it's not in the cards.

Whiz on me. Again.

Now. You can do it.

Whiz on me. Do it, Ken. That is an order. Whiz on me. Now. Again.

Okay.

There's one more problem.

What? I haven't told you about this.

I can only pee sitting down.

Jesus Christ.

I need a chair.

I've loved you for a long, long time.

Jealous?

I tricked him into coming here, and now he's dead.

No. No. We all chose to be here. I wish it was me.

It should be me.

This is not your fault, and we have to keep going. Hey, guys.

I think I found out which way we should go.

We've got to get across that to get to the boat. But we can't just run across.

It's too exposed.

The snake could come from anywhere.

Maybe we can create a distraction.

Yeah, yeah, maybe. But how do we do that?

I mean, it's going to be...

Come on, man.

Baby.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Wait. Wait.

Baby duck is the distraction.

How? I know this is horrible, okay?

We make it really hard for the snake to swallow them.

It'll occupy the snake long enough for it to get across the field.

Isn't that a really smart idea?

Oh, gosh, this is horrible. It's been saving all of us. I'm sure Doug would

wanted this.

I'm not sure he would have wanted this.

Wait.

What are you doing?

Screw me.

I can't.

Oh,

shit.

He's alive.

He's alive.

I thought you checked his pulse. Right there. No, you did a shitty job. What

fuck?

Okay, now.

I thought we lost you, man. Can I say something?

I'm sorry.

I think I got so caught up in wanting to play a hero that I lost sight of what

it is that's really important to me, and that's just making stuff with you guys

again.

Griff, I feel the exact same way. I love you guys.

I just have one question.

Whose idea was it to put that dead squirrel in my mouth?

Like a group decision.

Really? Yeah, it wasn't like one person.

Snake, love, grow meat. I knew it was your idea!

Guys, come on, we gotta keep moving. Alright, well I made a choice, let's

him with it!

Anyone there?

Hello?

Can you help us?

What? What?

What?

Again? Sorry?

I should.

Who'd you think it was?

John Boyk?

Let's go.

Let's go.

Get in here. Get in here, two socks.

so she don't be okay, but here it came from the block.

Jesus damn it.

I don't know how we're going to do it, but we have to kill it before it kills

us. I'm with that. I'm with that.

How are they going to do it in your script?

I don't know.

The writer never finished the third act.

What?

You guys started shooting before you knew the end. Welcome to Hollywood,

buttercup. That's what they do.

They just make it up as they go along.

What was the general gist? Do you have any idea?

All I know is they were setting up pyrotechnics all through here.

Is it still up?

It's hooked up, but I don't know.

Actors code. Respect.

Just make sure that it's exactly what I'm thinking, which I'm sure it is

totally. I'm super sure.

Think about killing that snake.

That's what I was thinking that too.

Okay, here's the plan.

Greg, you get the detonator for Kenny.

Blair, you fire up the generators.

Kenny, you set up the cameras.

I'll get the golf cart.

We'll lure the snake into the pyro field and end it once and for all.

You ready for a big Hollywood ending?

You ready?

Tim said as soon as we get to the pyro field, we can detonate these one by one.

Gonna blow that bitch sky high. Sky freaking high.

I don't know where it is.

Something like this.

I forgot to turn it on.

Not on my watch, mister.

And that's a wrap on Nick.

A group of artists had a vision to one day live their dream of making a major

motion picture.

And last year, against all odds, I'm proud to say that dream was realized.

As my friend Kenny likes to say, the snake is a metaphor for the monsters

come for all of us if our dreams remain unrealized. And to be clear, there's

also a non -metaphoric snake.

Quick shout out to Claire Simon and Kenny Pratt.

It's our last next time.

While we may not have the right.

We don't, we don't have, we definitely don't have the right. This is our

completely unauthorized, possibly illegal, reboot

of the Sony classic film.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The Anaconda.

Are you Doug McAllister?

Uh -huh.

You directed the unauthorized version of Anaconda, even though you didn't have

the rights.

Yeah.

I saw your little movie.

And I loved it.

I loved it.

That's why I'm here. I'm here because we're doing another Anaconda.

And I want you to direct it.

Are you in?

The hell with romance.

Tough, did you notice that butt was tough?

Keeping the jeans he's wearing.

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh, baby, I want to get it.