Original subtitles

MRS BROWN CACKLES

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown

# Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

APPLAUSE

Right, try this.

What does "yield right of way" mean?

It means, erm...

..yield... Go on.

..right... Yeah.

..of way.

LAUGHTER

And what are you supposed to do?

I'd yield right of way.

Which is what?

Which is what it says on the sign.

Ah, come on, Birdie.

Ask me another.

OK.

Where would you see a broken yellow line?

On the road.

Where on the road?

SHE CHUCKLES Oh, Birdie, that's a good one.

Erm...

Pass.

You can't pass!

Is that what it means?

What?

The broken yellow line -

that you can't pass on the road.

OK. Feck that, I'm going to check on Grandad.

How is he?

He's a little better.

Dr Flynn says he needs more iron,

so they have him on a drip.

Ferrograd?

No, Guinness. THEY LAUGH

Are you listening to that inside?

Mother of God!

Winnie's husband's car has been in the garage for ten years.

She's decided now she wants to drive it.

She's in there preparing for her feckin' test.

I swear to God, she's going to kill someone.

OK, here's an easy one.

Right.

When a traffic light turns from green to orange, what do you do?

I know this one because Buster told me.

Oh, well, Buster'd know.

Put the boot down before it goes red.

LAUGHTER

That's not the answer here, but...

But that'll work.

Heya, Ma! Hello, Dermot.

CHEERING

Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Buster.

So, what's the promotion?

Er, the pest industry are having their annual conference in town.

This is their magazine. Oh, I see.

I was going to start a celebrity magazine for the elderly.

Oh, lovely. I was going to call it...

YELLS: Hello?!

THEY LAUGH

Some good stuff in here for getting rid of pests, Ma.

Really? Try it on her, will you?

They were giving out free samples, Ma.

Very nice. Put it on the counter, Dermot.

Thank you.

How's the driving test going, Mrs McGoogan?

I don't think I'm going to be ready, love.

You'll be grand.

Says the man who got it on his sixth attempt.

Fifth.

And I would've got it on the fourth if that instructor could've swam.

MRS BROWN SPLUTTERS

Here, Mrs McGoogan,

if you like, I'll give you a couple of driving lessons.

Would you, Buster?

Oh, that's very kind of you, son.

No problem. I'll give you a shout later.

Thanks, Buster.

Is it an automatic or a manual?

Er, it's red.

Go on, the two of yous, hop off.

Go bug somebody else!

See what I did there, Dermot?

I got it, Ma. Yeah!

Oh, Dermot, on your way out,

put me bin out for collection, will you, love?

I can't, Ma, I'm in me costume.

Fine, I'll put it out meself. DOOR CLOSES

I have to go, too.

My Enzo's away for the weekend and I said I'd feed his snake.

I hope you're not feeding him live mice.

Not at all. I'm giving him steak and kiddly pie.

You mean kidney.

That's what I said, diddle I?

BOTH CACKLE

I can't believe you fell for it, there.

What? It's a joke, Winnie.

A joke? Yes, here's another one.

Look. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Oh, Jesus, stop the funeral.

What funeral?

The fella in the coffin wasn't dead.

Then, why was he in the coffin?

That's the point of the buckin' joke!

But he's a corpse!

And here's another one just arriving.

Good morning, ladies.

Hello, Mrs Nicholson. Make yourself at home.

I'm here to discuss an important issue.

Did we know your man?

Who?

The fella that was in the coffin

that wasn't dead.

Who's dead?

Not the fella in the coffin, anyway.

Winnie, just go home, will you?

Hilliary?

Would you like to see my vulva?

SHE SQUEAKS LAUGHTER

Winnie, it's a Volvo! A Volvo!

Just go home.

Oh. I'm here to discuss an important issue.

Yeah, well, what's the issue? DOOR CLOSES

Well, the number 40 bus terminus

is currently Plunkett Avenue.

Yes. So what? Well, I believe...

DOOR CLOSES

DRAWER OPENS, CLOSES

B-Birdie, did you forget something?

No.

I mean, yeah.

Me handbag, have you seen me handbag?

No, I haven't seen your hand...

Actually, Birdie, I've never seen you with a handbag.

Well, I have one that's lost!

OK!

Well, I... I'll check inside.

No, you stay there.

I'll find it.

What are you looking for, Birdie?

Erm, me handbag.

What colour is it?

Sort of snakeskin.

Oh.

As I was saying, the proper place for the terminus

is Mullen Grove,

right up by the church and the village hall.

Well, Father Damien would be happy.

Exactly.

It shouldn't be a problem. Oh.

Any luck, Birdie?

No!

Was there anything important in it?

Not yet.

LAUGHTER

I'll keep an eye out for it.

Believe me, you won't miss it.

Yes, well, I was about to approach Dublin Bus,

but I want to be sure to have your full support.

Of course.

Wait a minute, Hidily. What is it?

Apart from the church, the village hall

and the vicar's rectum...

..the only other house on Mullen Grove is yours.

Well, it's purely a coincidence.

All right, say I do help you with this,

what will you do for me?

I will not be held to ransom.

Suit yourself.

She'll be back.

What do you want?

Leave it with me.

I'll think of something.

MRS BROWN CHUCKLE

And I will think of something.

SHE CACKLES

Oh, put me feckin' bin out.

SNAKE HISSES AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done...

Amen, amen.

Is it over? Please, God, tell me it's over.

How did I do, Buster?

WEAKLY: Yeah, not bad, for a first time.

And I told you I would fit down that alley, didn't I?

WEAK LAUGHTER

Yeah, it was close. It was...

And I can get new mirrors, you know?

Yeah. And I can get out your side if I have to.

Yeah.

OK, er, three things... HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Yes.

Er, one, when you see a stop sign,

you have to stop.

Good idea! SHE CHUCKLES

Second, this car has five gears.

You're only using two.

Five?! Yeah, yeah!

And, er, third thing -

do you know what that is?

It's a mirror. Good, good.

Then, use it! Ah!

Now turn off the engine!

OK! QUIETLY: Stop shouting.

No!

SOFTLY: Oh, shit.

WHIRRING That's the heater.

I'm trying!

WHIRRING STOPS

Are we near the sewage plant?

No.

Well, there's an awful smell of shi...

There is, Winnie, yeah. I'm getting out now.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Cider, Agnes?

No.

Brandy. And make it a double.

Buster Brady destroyed my bathroom.

How did the driving lesson go?

Disaster.

I think he's in shock.

I think he's suffering from PBSP.

SHE LAUGHS

PTSD, Mrs Brown. Post-traumatic stress disorder.

No, PBSP -

Poor Bastard Shit his Pants. THEY LAUGH

And she has her driving test on Friday.

What can I get you, Mammy?

I'll have half a stout and a double brandy for Agnes.

Is Buster not with you, Mrs McGoogan?

Well, he was, but he said he had to go home and change.

Said it was an emergency.

Oh, right.

Oh, thanks, darling.

Mark, now, you're a handy man.

I can hear a rattle

in me vulva.

LAUGHTER

Would you have a look at it?

Mark, if you're too busy, I will.

Ha-ha!

SHARON: No, you won't.

Volvo, Mammy, it's a Volvo!

So, did you hear about George Flynn?

Oh, the tubby fella from the chemist?

Rumour going around he left his wife for a young one.

Where did you hear that?

Oh, I can't give away my source.

But it was at the book club.

The whole of Finglas is talking about it.

Mrs Flynn is a stunning-looking woman.

Mm, in her day, Maria, yeah,

but if you seen her now -

if she was a car, she'd be written off.

LAUGHTER

Unless she had a big vulv...

No, Winnie, Winnie, stop, just stop now.

Mammy!

I'm telling you, Cathy, she's in bits.

She's a right jigsaw.

Your mammy's right, Cathy.

Have you seen Mrs Flynn's teeth?

Only short of a white one for a snooker set.

THEY LAUGH

That's terrible - leave the poor woman alone!

We wouldn't even be talking about her,

only you started your feckin' gossiping.

Speaking of gossip...

..I believe Sammy the shoemaker

is after getting a penis extension.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Well, his house must look stupid.

LAUGHTER

Well, I might as well tell yous -

you're going to find out anyway.

My father lost his job at the insurance company.

AUDIENCE: Aw! Oh, no, Maria.

I was just talking to your mother

and she never mentioned it.

She's a bit embarrassed.

You know what she's like.

Lost his job at the insurance company.

I hope he's insured against it.

THEY LAUGH

I hope he's insured against it, yes!

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Oh, there's Birdie's handbag.

Who's a good doggie?

He's Mammy's boy. SHE CHUCKLES

You awake, Mammy?

Yeah, I am now.

Afternoon, Mammy. Yeah, whatever.

CLATTERING OUTSIDE

Birdie?

BIRDIE: Yeah, Agnes?

What are you doing out there?

I'm, er, I'm looking for me handbag!

CLATTERING CONTINUES DULL THUD

In the shed?

Well, you never know!

Birdie, there's nothing in that shed but rats.

Not any more!

LAUGHTER

Vacate.

SHE TUTS

Grassy arse.

Oh, Cathy, did you type that letter for me?

Yes, but what are you writing to Dublin Bus for, Mammy?

Cathy, is it unusual for a citizen to have an interest

in what's going on in their local community?

For a citizen? No.

But for you? Absolutely.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it on me way out. Thanks, love.

"Propose change of route number 40 bus.

"I'd like to move it to..."

Do sit down.

You wanted to see me? Yes.

Here.

Why, this is amazing.

This completely supports the moving of the terminus.

Yes.

Now, let's get to the quick go pro, go pro, de pro go.

Quid pro quo.

The what? Quid pro quo.

Yeah, that.

You are to give Winnie McGoogan a driving lesson.

That's it? That's all you want?

That's it.

That is not a problem. Ha!

Ha!

LAUGHTER

We'll feckin' see.

Handbrake.

HANDBREAK CREAKS

Ignition.

SHE SIGHS

So, how did I do?

SHE WHIMPERS

Is it car sick, love?

That's it, yes.

You didn't stop for the policeman!

What policeman, love?

That one!

Oof!

Hello, Garda!

Hello. Is this supposed to be funny?

No, not at all. I'm terribly sorry.

Well, it was a little bit funny.

I suppose it was.

Mind how you go now.

Thank you, Garda.

What?!

You should be in prison for that!

Well, if you're going to be like this,

I'm not going to let you give me any more lessons.

You clipped a litter bin,

you drove through somebody's garden...

I can still smell the clutch burning.

All right, but apart from those, how did I do?

SHE SOBS LAUGHTER

The doctor told my husband, you know,

he said, "You have to stop masturbating."

And my husband said, "Why?" and the doctor said,

"Cos I'm trying to talk to you."

THEY CHUCKLE

Here, take your endorsement!

It's not worth my life.

Oh!

I'll see you tomorrow, Hilliary.

Not if the sky falls.

Yeah, it's meant to be raining all right.

But I have wipers!

Somewhere. SHE CHUCKLES

Oh!

Do you know, I think she's still upset

about her husband being unemployed.

He's not unemployed. No?

No, he's working part-time as a bus driver.

Is he driving the 40 bus? Yeah.

Mammy, do you want me to post that?

No, Cathy, I want to make sure they get it.

I'll deliver it myself.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Are you OK there, Agnes?

Never mind me, you keep your eyes on the buckin' road!

Will you relax, Agnes?

For God's sake, what would you be like if the car was moving?

Don't touch anything, don't touch anything!

Oh, shite, we're moving. We're moving!

We're not.

You know, if I knew you were going to be like this,

I wouldn't have let you come.

Let me come?!

You buckin' dragged me here.

Hold on, hold on, Agnes, here he is.

Here's the tester.

WHISPERS: What's he doing, Agnes?

I don't know, looking for a way in?

Oh, don't be silly, Agnes.

All doors on cars are in the same place.

Maybe he's doing a safety check.

Maybe he knows we're from Finglas

and he's counting the hubcaps. THEY CACKLE

Oh...

UNDER BREATH: He didn't like that. No.

Oh... Look at the puss on him.

Yeah.

Somebody hit him in the face with a buckin' frying pan.

WINNIE LAUGHS

Stop, you're making me laugh again.

MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

What?

INAUDIBLE

What's he doing, Agnes?

I think he's having a wank. WINNIE LAUGHS

Window!

What's he saying, Agnes?

Winnie, he wants to know if you're a widow.

LAUGHTER

No.

Press the knob.

WHISPERS: What's he saying?

Something about his knob!

Oh, Winnie, I think he fancies you.

Stop! I'm going to open the window and we can hear him better.

OK.

I'm so sorry, I couldn't hear you with the window up.

That's what I was...

Never mind. I just want to check your brake line, so...

OK. ..just press the brake.

Press the brake.

ENGINE REVS

No, that's the accelerator. OK.

The brake pedal stops the car.

That one makes it go faster.

OK, let me out of here, I'm getting out.

Agnes, relax, will you?

It's a simple mistake.

What is he going to think of us?

Who cares what he thinks of us?

Look at him.

He looks like a big penis.

BOTH LAUGH

I'll bet his name is Dick.

Agnes! Will you stop?!

I bet, I bet, wait and you'll see. See when he gets in...

Yeah? ..ask him his name. WINNIE LAUGHS

I bet it's Dick.

Oh, he's coming, he's getting in.

OK.

Mrs...McGoogan.

Well, er, call me Winnie.

OK. Winnie.

What? Oh, yeah.

Erm, what's your name?

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

It's Tom. BOTH GROAN

Tom O'Toole.

BOTH CACKLE

I told you, Winnie.

I told you there'd be a cock in there somewhere!

MRS BROWN CACKLES

Ladies, this laughter is highly insulting.

And you, madam, should not be in this car, so out.

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

I'll see you later, Winnie.

Oh, Agnes, wait for me here, love.

No, no, Winnie, it's not far, I'll walk.

MRS BROWN LAUGHS

Tom the Tool! Ha-ha, ha!

Can we begin, Winnie?

Of course.

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm so sorry.

Just go.

ENGINE REVS

SNAKE HISSES AUDIENCE: Ooh!

All I'm saying is, if you try and do something perfect,

you get bored.

What are you talking about?

Look, if I see a house that's half-painted

I immediately think, "There's a man that got bored."

It's the price you pay for perfection.

Boredom.

What do you think, Mark?

What?

Sorry, I missed that, what?

You all right? Yeah, I'm grand.

Betty, is it?

MARK SIGHS

I thought she was coming home this weekend.

She was supposed to, but her mother got worse or whatever.

Yeah.

It's Bono that misses her really, you know?

Me, not so much.

Not so much?

I'm going out for a quick smoke.

Is he all right?

I think he's worried

Betty is sleeping with some chap in Donegal.

I hope so.

LAUGHTER

What?

I hope she's sleeping with some chap in Donegal,

because if they're awake,

they're probably having S-E-K-S.

LAUGHTER

Sharon McGoogan?

Yeah, why? What did you hear?

I'm afraid I have some bad news, Sharon.

Your mother was in a car accident this afternoon.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Her vehicle mounted the pavement

and hit a pedestrian in a shop.

Oh, my God, is she all right?

She has no injuries.

She's a bit shook, though.

She insists there was a snake in the car.

Thank God, she's OK. She was lucky.

Aye.

Luckier than the pedestrian.

She's been taken to hospital, unconscious.

MARK: Is it serious?

Touch-and-go.

SIGHS: I hate this part of the job.

I bet.

Now you have to tell the injured woman's family.

Yeah. Mark, about that...

AUDIENCE: Aw.

STEADY BEEPING

LOUD WHIRRING

Would anyone like a coffee?

We have your mother in an induced coma.

Apart from her back injury,

she arrived unconscious and so we think she hit her head.

The scans should show us if there is any brain swelling.

It's OK, I'm here.

Stand back, let me take a look.

Oh, hello. Dr Thaddeus Flynn.

She's my patient.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Dentist?

General practitioner, thank you.

I was just updating the family.

Yes, why don't we do that?

There were no broken bones,

although she has sustained an injury to her neck and back.

Mm, indeed quite common in any fatal accident.

I mean vehicular accident.

As for internal injuries,

and those are the ones that worry me most...

Oh... HE CHUCKLES

..you and me both.

..we will know more when the tests and scans come in.

I concur.

Coffee?

COFFEE MACHINE WHIRS

I-I'm so sorry!

Winnie, we know it was an accident.

A freak accident.

Yeah, it could happen to anyone -

that's driving on a footpath.

LAUGHTER

No-one's blaming you, Winnie.

Of course not.

We all know she's your best friend.

Why would you kill her?

I... I mean... I mean damage, damage.

Look, everything's going to be fine.

It was the snake!

Now, now, Mrs McGoogan,

the tester was only doing his job.

No! It was a real snake.

Mark, does your mother smoke?

For God's sake, madam, have some decency.

Go and ask someone else for a cigarette.

Damien, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Is that the last rites paraphernalia?

Maybe.

I'm sure everyone has a nice story about Mammy.

I remember when I was inside,

she came to visit me every week without fail.

Some of the lads thought she worked in the prison.

ALL LAUGH

Do you remember when she tried to wax herself?

Oh, God.

MRS BROWN: 180!

LOUD RIPPING

MRS BROWN YELLS

I remember how kind she was

when I told her I wanted to join the missions.

She just smiled and said,

"A lot of men are gay."

LAUGHTER

And yet, she didn't see it in Rory.

All right, Mammy?

Hello, Rory. Do you want a cup of tea?

No. Are you going into town?

Yeah. Now, don't you go getting some girl into trouble.

I won't.

ALL LAUGH

We were inseparable.

Winnie! What are you feckin' doing?!

Agnes!

Agnes! Me face is stuck to your knickers!

Uh-oh.

Agnes, please don't fart!

She treated me like family.

I used to stand beside my mammy and hope

that when she'd finished whipping the cream,

she'd let me lick the whisk.

Go on, Father.

LAUGHTER

What about you, Cathy?

Cathy, what's your happy memory of her?

I'm thinking!

DOOR OPENS

Erm, the scan results are back.

DOOR CLOSES

I'm sorry,

but I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn the machine off.

STEADY BEEPING

STEADY BEEPING