Original subtitles

MRS BROWN CACKLES

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown # Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown # Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

SHE GRUNTS

SHE GROANS

Hello, campers!

As they used to say in Hi-de-Hi!

Hi-de-Hi!, you know, it was a comedy

based in Maplins Holiday... Oh, it doesn't matter.

We never had a real holiday when I was a child.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

We couldn't afford it.

You see, my father invested all his money in sick horses.

He didn't know they were sick at the time he backed them.

No, no, we had nothing, thanks to him.

Even at Holy Communion time,

all the girls got little white dresses.

Me? I got a veil, and he let me look out the window.

Mm...

All I had was hand-me-downs. AUDIENCE: Aww!

I was the only girl in my ballet class with football boots.

Hello, Mrs Brown, I'm just heading off.

Oh, hello, Dr Flynn. I didn't know he was down for a checkup.

No, I was just dropping in some pamphlets to Grandad

that he asked me about, about homes.

Oh, funeral homes. It's getting to that time, all right.

Now, what we do is we let him pick the best coffin he can,

and we'll bury him in a cardboard box.

Not funeral homes, care homes.

Care homes?

Yeah. Some lovely ones.

But I'm sure he'll choose what's right for him.

I'm sure he will. Right, I'm off.

Yeah, see you, Dr Flynn.

Are you all right, Grandad? I'm fine.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Are you here, Agnes?

Do you want a cup of tea?

Not if it's going to depress you.

No, it's not... Do you feckin' want one or not?

Yeah. I had to get out of the house.

My Enzo is fixing his motorbike - in the kitchen.

Why did you call him Enzo? Was his father Italian?

I don't know, he paid me in sterling.

I remember thinking, "That's the end, so..."

so I called him Enzo!

Well, I won't ask you about your youngest, Little Willy.

I'd love to tell you it's a lo-o-ong story.

But it's not.

How are yous? How are you, Winnie?

Cup of tea, Agnes, please. Coming up.

Winnie, did I see you in the village this morning

coming out of the joke shop?

Yeah. I'm exhausted.

I've been looking all morning for a costume.

A costume? For what?

For Father Damien's yearly thingy, you know,

Stars Of Finglas. So, what costume did you pick?

I'm not saying! It's a surprise.

What is your talent? Impersonations. Oh!

You should try impersonating a human.

It's a surprise.

I look forward to seeing it, so.

Birdie? Yeah?

Did Grandad mention anything to you about care homes? No, why?

Nothing, just thinking.

My mother was in a care home, Agnes, and she loved it there.

I've never seen her so happy.

Yeah, it was beautiful.

Beautiful, yeah.

Right, OK. I'll see yous.

See you, Birdie. See you, Birdie. See you, Grandad!

Oh, hello, Mrs Nicholson! Birdie.

She's in the kitchen. As always.

Morning, Agnes.

Yeah, hello, Hilliary. Er...

Do sit down.

Morning, Hillary. Yes.

I'm here on an important mission. Do you want tea?

Have you got anything herbal? Me shampoo.

No, thank you.

So, I'm putting together a petition,

and I'd like to get your signature.

What's it about? Well, it's a demand...

...about the sewage plant. What about it?

It stinks.

I'm shocked!

A sewage plant that stinks?

But there's no reason for it.

There are ways to reduce the...

..let's say emissions, that are not being implemented

at our local plant.

I'll sign it, but I know the council will say that, just like you,

it's full of shit.

Cathy, is there something bothering your mother?

Not that I know of, Father. She did say she was worried about Grandad

because he's not eating. She should do what my mother used to do.

She'd get a spoonful of food and go,

"The train is coming! Chug-a-chugga, chug-a-chugga!

"Choo-choo! Choo-choo!"

And you'd eat your food? Oh, you'd have to, Cathy,

otherwise she wouldn't untie you from the tracks. Stop!

Aye, aye, here's the shite detective.

Inspector Pooseau.

Well, ladies, I've got vox populi.

Oh good, well, keep using the cream twice a day.

It's Latin, dear, "Voice of the people",

the people have spoken.

And what does vox popu-lilo say?

My petition. 200 signatures have forced the sewage plant

to implement changes to remove the foul odours it spews.

That's nice.

Veni, vidi, vici. What?

I think Cathy got me a bottle of that for Christmas.

Latin again.

It's a well-known phrase. "I came, I saw, I conquered."

I've used a phrase like that. Mm?

I came, give me a fag, now feck off.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

You know, I did Latin in school.

I was in your class in school, I don't remember that.

Well, maybe it wasn't Latin.

What language does the word "redundant" come from?

English. Ah, it was English, so.

It'll come in handy if I visit London.

But you already... Birdie, just leave it there.

I feel sorry for schoolkids nowadays,

the amount of homework they get.

Bono does be exhausted.

Yeah, well, at least they don't get the cane any more, Agnes.

I was terrified of our old teacher.

With good reason. If we made a mistake,

we got 20 lashes across our knuckles.

In my school, we got our arses caned.

OK... Mm.

Mind you, I only ever got it the once.

You must've been well behaved, so.

No, I just encouraged the teacher.

To hit you? Mind games, Agnes.

He whipped me and I went...

SHE GASPS

"Thank you, sir.

"I'm such a bad girl, aren't I, sir?"

You mad bitch!

Never caned me after that.

Evening, ladies. Hello, Father.

There seems to be a couple of empty slots

on the entrance form for the Finglas Talent Show.

What are you raising money for this year, Father?

I'm changing the Holy Sacrament wafers to low fat, vegan

and gluten free.

We'll soon be getting "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus".

Father, I will not be in the talent show this year.

What?! But it'll be crap without you, Mrs Brown.

I know. Ah, don't worry, Father, I'll be there.

Give me the form, love. I'm begging you, Mrs Brown.

No, Father, I have too much on me mind at the moment and...

...Grandad's not himself.

I was actually hoping you'd be a judge this year.

She's made her decision, Father, so...

...deal with it.

Well, just hold on, Winnie, let the Father speak.

You wanted me on the panel?

To replace me. Myself and Trevor have been working on an act.

Now, now, Damien, we don't want to give it away.

They'll never guess it! Simon & Garfunkel.

I hate them. Me too, yeah.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

No, I'm not, now fuck off and take the guitar with you.

I told you we should've done Oasis.

Relax, Damien, we'll think of something else.

Will you be a judge, Mammy? Who's the head judge?

Mrs Nicholson. That's nice.

I'll pass.

Are you not entering the show, Birdie?

No, I don't really have any talents.

I've heard you sing.

You sing like a bird, you do. Oh...

Fuckin' goose.

Yeah, but I'd be too shy, like, to sing in public, Agnes.

Ah, there must be something you can do, Birdie?

Ah feck it, I'm going to put me name down.

Sure, what's the worst that can happen?

That's the spirit, Birdie! Go, girl.

I'll just need to find a place to hang me pole.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

BOTH CHOKE

Breathe, Mrs McGoogan!

Thanks, Maria. Oh! I'm all right now, love.

Urgh!

Are you all right, Mammy? Urgh!

I went down the wrong pole.

Hole! Hole!

It went down the pole and then... Oh, urgh!

Have you girls entered the competition?

Oh, not yet. Father Damien wants one of us to be host.

Oh, Maria, you'd be great at that.

Thanks, Mrs Brown. Er, hello?!

Hiya, Cathy.

No, Maria, you really would be great at that.

Hey, Ma!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, boys!

Oh, let me guess, yous are promoting

Murphy's Circus, coming to town next week.

Ha, we sure are! How did you guess?

Call it women's intuition.

Well, what's your pitch?

HE CLEARS THROAT DRAMATICALLY

HE CLEARS THROAT WEAKLY

Roll up, roll up, come and see the circus!

See the fat man bouncing on the skinny man's...

Willy, shut the tent, there's a draught coming

from the elephant's... Ho-o-old your tickets

for the next show!

Very good.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it, Ma. Thanks, Dermot.

Well, Buster, I believe you're doing stand-up comedy

at the talent show. Ha-ha, yeah!

Ah, oh, I'm so sorry, wrong house.

No, it's the right house, Father.

My God, it's you, Birdie.

So, Buster, give me a sample of your stand-up.

I don't just mean stand up, I mean tell me a joke!

A man walks into a bar,

he says, "Ouch!"

It's an iron bar.

Buster, don't do that one.

Hello, Mrs Brown. Ah, hello, Father Damien.

Birdie?! The breasts threw me.

I get that, Dermot, I can see your titties.

Come on, Buster, let's get back to work.

Dermo... A man walks into a bar...

Heard it!

Would you like a cup of tea, Father? No, thanks.

I'm just here to make a final plea

for you to judge the talent show.

Thank you very much, but, no, I-I have too much on me mind.

OK. Is it anything I can help with?

Very nice.

When are you going?

I'm not feckin' going! Grandad wants to go.

Oh... But I don't know why.

Would you like me to talk to him? He listens to me.

Really? Yes!

I'll be glad to.

Five, four, three... Hello, Grandad?

...two, one. I-I just want a word.

Feck off!

Right, Mrs Brown. That's me away. Bye! See you, Father.

All right...

...what's all this about?

What's all what about? This - care homes.

I'm leaving.

Are you, now? Yes.

OK. Don't try and stop me.

Stop you? I'll pack your buckin' bag for you.

I can pack meself.

"I can pack meself."

I'm dying to see that.

You lazy bastard.

Talk to the hand because the leg ain't listening.

The face! The face ain't listening.

Sorry. I'm a bit deaf.

Yeah, when it buckin' suits you.

What's all this about, Agnes?

That was intense.

Grandad going on about care homes.

No!

You're too young for a care home, Agnes.

I was caught completely off-guard.

I wouldn't have known anything about it,

only Dr Flynn blurted it out.

Strange behaviour. It was.

Is he even a doctor?

I'm talking about Grandad. Grandad's not a doctor.

Winnie, shut up.

Maybe Grandad didn't mean it, Ma.

Oh, he meant it all right, son. He packed three pairs of underpants.

That's not confusion, son, that's commitment.

Maybe he was just looking for attention.

Maybe he was just looking for a kick in the arse.

Well, that won't make him feel any better.

It would make me feel better.

It's not like Grandad to get emotional.

Well Cathy, he did, I promise you.

Even Winnie felt it, and she's dead inside.

Dead.

It doesn't make any sense, though.

Why would Grandad want to go to a care home?

They have pickleball. Cool!

Focus, Damien.

So, when is he talking about leaving?

He didn't say.

He told me he was going Friday evening.

He told you?!

He doesn't even buckin' like you.

Did he mention why?

Because you're a bossy bit... Sh!

No, he didn't really.

Mammy, just let him go.

Do I look like I'm stopping him?

Mammy!

It's sad.

It is sad.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

So sad. AUDIENCE: Aww!

So very sad.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

So...so very, very sad.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Right, who's up for a pint?

Yeah. Yep!

So that's the meeting done, then, is it?

SHE SIGHS

DOOR CLOSES

Right, I-I'm off to the talent show.

Will you be here when I get back?

Probably not.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Well, I'll...I'll say goodbye now, then.

Goodbye.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Thanks for...

AUDIENCE: Aww! ...you know...

...everything.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

You're welcome.

Good luck.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Bye.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

SAD MUSIC PLAYS

When is this going to end?

Relax, Ma. It won't be long.

What's Winnie's surprise?

I don't know, she wouldn't tell me.

Two men walk into a bar...

You're funny, man.

Ha-ha, Marco! Elvis.

Uh-huh!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Who are you doing, Mark?

Elvis! I'm doing Elvis, baby.

WINNIE LAUGHS

That's very good!

Are you doing Elvis as well?

No! What made you think that?

Everybody ready?

Maria, I don't think I can do this.

Of course you can. Don't be frightened.

Everybody out there wants everyone to succeed. Aargh!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

You look great, John!

You look great too, Edward. But not as good as me, though.

Yes, I do. No, you don't!

Yes, I do-oo! You drive me mad, you do.

I do, what about you?

You're not even as handsome as me.

Yes, I am. No, you're not!

Yeah, that works great.

Oh, we were rehearsing?

I thought you were serious.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

SPOONS RATTLE

Mother of God!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

I'll get the drinks in.

Make mine a double, Dermot!

I don't know if I can put up with much more of buckin' Evel Knievel.

SHE SOUNDS BUZZER

AUDIENCE: Aww!

OK, well, we'll go to the judges.

What do you say, Mother?

Er...

You need three things to be a star,

and you don't have any of them.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Dr Flynn?

Well, I've always said there's nothing like a good spoon player.

And that's you.

Nothing like a good spoon player.

Er, Sharon, what did you think?

Well, I wasn't expecting much from my mother.

And yet somehow,

I feel short-changed.

Well, I can sing something else.

ALL: No!

# Oh, my old man's a dustman

# He wears a dustman's hat

# He wears cor-blimey trousers... #

Somebody take that feckin' cutlery off her!

SHE SOUNDS BUZZER

Mrs McGoogan, you will not be joining Mark in the final.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

(AS ELVIS) Thank you very much, man. Yeah!

AUDIENCE: Aww!

They went all-out this year - big stage, fancy lights.

Yeah, but not much room for punters.

I mean, there's more people on the panel than there is in the audience.

Hello, Agnes. Hi, Cathy.

You look great, Mrs Nicholson.

I know.

I was worried my posterior might look large in this outfit.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Yeah, cop on, Hidly.

Oh, thank you. Ha!

Her arse looks big in everything. Stop!

Dermot, where's me drink?

I asked for a nice Slow Screw Up Against The Wall.

The bar's closed until after the show, Ma.

Do you mean we have to sit through this sober?!

Relax, Ma, it won't be that bad.

OK, up next we have Buster Brady doing some stand-up comedy.

Oh, God, shoot me now.

Grandad's all set, Dermot.

His bags are packed, ready to go to the home.

I'm really going to miss him around the place, you know.

Yeah, I will, too. Not me.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

APPLAUSE

Keep it clean, Buster.

Hello.

I was an ugly baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped me mother.

I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

AUDIENCE: Aww!

But when I was a kid, I knew I was loved. When I had a bath,

my mother would throw me in a rubber duck, a battleship...

A toaster.

Yeah, ha...

Three lesbians walked into a bar...

BUZZER

I can dance. ALL: No!

Goodbye, Buster!

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Be honest, Mammy, you don't really want Grandad to leave.

I booked his taxi for him. AUDIENCE: Aww!

From the day that man set foot in our house the very first time,

he's made no contribution to this household.

All he does is take, take, take.

I don't know, Ma. Remember when he caught Cathy's boyfriend

sneaking in her bedroom window?

No...?!

If it wasn't for Grandad, Cathy could be married to Tommy Rizla now.

Shut up, Dermot!

Tommy buckin' Rizla? Well, at least she'd be married.

You let that scumbag into our house?

Yeah, well, Grandad bailed Dermot out of the police station

for stealing cars.

No! What kind?

Police cars.

OK! If you'll all put your hands together, please,

for our final act of the evening, Birdie Flanagan.

APPLAUSE

What about when Daddy died?

Grandad brought us all to the carnival in Bray to cheer us up.

Now, that was a great day. The best.

I don't remember that.

That's cos you were in bed, Ma, crying.

Um. excuse me, Dermot, I'd just buried my husband.

And Grandad had just buried his son, Mammy.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

You might not have always seen it, but Grandad was really good to us.

This is all news to me.

Tommy buckin' Rizla?

Oh, let it go, Mammy! Dermot, I will kill you!

SLOW MUSIC

# And I

# Never thought I'd feel this way

# And as far as I'm concerned

# I'm glad I got the chance to say

# That I do believe I love you

# And if I should ever go away

# Well, then, close your eyes and try

# To feel the way we do today

# And then if you can remember... #

Where are you going? Something I have to do.

# Keep smiling, keep shining

# Knowing you can always count on me

# For sure

# That's what friends are for

# In good times, in bad times

# I'll be on your side forever more

# That's what friends are for... #

Right, let's go.

What are you doing? If you're going, I'm going.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Bloody taxi hasn't arrived yet.

That's because I cancelled it.

AUDIENCE: Yay!

I don't want you to go. What are you saying?

I'm saying stay!

Please.

I'll be no-one's burden. It's too buckin' late for that now.

I'm kidding.

Look, Grandad, I'll make a deal with you.

If at any point I can't care for you...

..we'll go look at that home together.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

I'd love a pint. Well, come on, then.

CHEERING

Elvis is at the bar.

# Keep smiling, keep shining

# Knowing you can always count on me

# For sure

# That's what friends are for

# In good times, in bad times

# I'll be on your side forever mo-o-ore... #

Yeah, baby!

BOTH: # That's what friends are for. #

CHEERING

Ah...

Well, that's Father Damien's search

for a star in Finglas over for another year. Thank God.

It was a good night, though. Yeah.

It's amazing how people can be entertaining.

You know, I mean real people.

The likes of Birdie getting up and whacking out that song.

Or Mark, carpenter by day,

king of rock and roll by night.

I'd be lost without them.

And Grandad.

Is Grandad an arsehole? Abso-buckin'-lutely.

But he's family, and in this house, we protect family.

Mm, oh, oh, I know I give him a hard time sometimes but...

..that's only cos I love him.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

I-I wouldn't tell him that to his face.

Too late!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ya bastard!

Bitch!

Back to normal!

Goodnight.

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown... #

Goodnight! # That's Mrs Brown

# Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

MRS BROWN CACKLES