Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

MRS BROWN CACKLES

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown

# Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Hello there.

The bulb was gone in this lamp,

so I replaced it.

Now I can see how dirty

me feckin' frames are.

SHE CHUCKLES

Isn't it amazing how one little thing you do

leads to another big thing?

SHE SIGHS

See what I mean?!

Yeah, I know how to fix that.

Done.

Grandad, can I get you anything?

No.

I'll run you a nice hot bath.

Leave me alone.

He's not himself.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

He hasn't moved out of that chair for two weeks.

It's all right for you - you only have to look at him.

I have to put up with the buckin' smell.

Hello, Mummy.

Buckin' "Mummy"?

Ask me how my day went.

Cathy, I haven't time for games.

The house has a fungal infection,

and I think Grandad is patient zero.

Just ask me, Mummy.

Cathy, what is this Mummy crap?

I answer to many things -

Mammy, Mam, Granny...

Ma! That.

But never Mummy.

Wait till I give you a laugh.

What is this, Dermot?

Friend of mine is looking to start a business.

Wants me to invest. That's his business plan.

Er, Mammy?

You never asked me why my day was amazing.

Er, Cathy, because I already know why.

You've met a man.

Whoop-a-dee-doo.

THEY LAUGH

How could you possibly know that?

Because you're miserable most of the time

and when you're not miserable, it's because you've met a man.

Wow. Well, that's lovely, thank you.

It's the truth, Cathy.

Oh, he's going to be the answer to all your problems,

and you plan your life together.

And then he'll pump you and he'll dump you.

And we'll all have to listen to Enya for a month

while you survive on a diet of ice cream and vengeance.

His name is Roger.

LAUGHTER

Roger the buckin' Dodger.

As soon as he gets what he wants,

he's going to head for the hills.

Mm-hm. It's not like that, Mammy.

It never is, Cathy,

till they get you in the back of a Ford Cortina...

..and they duff you!

And then all of a sudden, before you know it,

you're walking home in the rain

with your knickers in your pocket and...

And no shoes.

I didn't know Daddy drove a Ford Cortina.

Shut up, Dermot. I was talking hypothetically.

Roger and I are going to be work colleagues.

Oh, stop saying colleagues, Cathy.

You've only just met the man

and all of a sudden, you've changed, you're different.

You're even talking different.

Well, Roger wants to get on top of my diction.

LAUGHTER

As long as you don't get on top of his diction.

Do you know what?

Forget it. Forget what?

What were we talking about? Argh!

So, Ma, the proposal - gas, isn't it?

Ah, I like it, Dermot. Well done, Buster.

How'd you know it was his?

The crayons were a giveaway.

Thanks, Mrs Brown.

Dermo thinks it's stupid.

Nobody's going to pay to have their dog walked, Buster.

I would if I still had a dog.

Dermot, people are too busy nowadays

to be giving their dogs proper exercises.

That's what I said, ha-ha!

Well, you already have a job, with me.

I happen to know a thing or two about business, Buster,

and for that reason, I'm out.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

I happen to know a thing or two about business, too,

and for that reason, Buster, I'm going to make you an offer.

25% and I'm in.

Yes! Oh, thank you so much, Mrs Brown.

You're not serious, Ma?

I am serious, Dermot. I think it's genius.

Ha-ha! Hear that, Dermo? I'm a genius!

I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

So this is how Einstein felt.

E equals MC...

..Hammer.

LAUGHTER

Cathy seems in great form in there.

Yeah, well, we'll see when this Roger fella dumps her. Ha-ha, ha.

Though she insists it's different this time.

But is it? Apparently.

It IS different, Mammy.

Roger's looking to exploit a gap in the market.

I've had a few Rogers exploit my gap in the market.

THEY LAUGH

The podcast market.

Oh, sorry.

I thought we were talking about fanny.

THEY CACKLE

Podcast is the newest form

of entertainment stroke communication,

airing stroke broadcasting to an audience

that can be local stroke worldwide.

There's an awful lot of strokes in that, Cathy.

Is it a sex thing?

It's a type of audio programme people listen to for entertainment.

A radio show?

No, podcast is completely different.

Roger's goal is to give lots of different women...

A lash.

No, Mammy.

A platform.

Everybody hears celebrities' opinions on things,

but what about real women?

Nobody hears what they have to say.

Real women?

So where do you come in?

I am the host.

Roger said I'm really interesting.

And are you sure you heard him right?

Yes, Birdie.

Well, maybe he said something similar.

Yeah, like uninteresting.

I AM interesting.

And so's Maria and Sharon.

I've asked them to join my panel, too.

We're recording a trial episode this evening.

Well, I don't know who's going to listen to that, Cathy.

I mean, I'm your loving mother, and you bore me to sleep.

This show will help women, Mammy.

SHE SNORES

Well, thanks for the pep talk.

Cathy, if you want any help...

What I want and need is for you three

to stay as far away from this podcast as possible.

Thank you.

I think we all know where this is going.

LAUGHTER

How we get there, that's the fun.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that'll be Dr Flynn.

Birdie, get him in there, will you?

SHOUTS: Come in, Dr Flynn!

What seems to be the problem, Mrs Brown?

Him.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know - maybe we should call a doctor.

Is he showing any symptoms?

Well, he's very quiet and he's no get-up-and-go.

And he's developed an allergy.

Really? To what?

Soap.

It's sad, Mrs Brown.

Of course it's sad.

We all think it's sad.

Did you even go to medical school?

S-A-D.

Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I've seen a lot of it lately.

We need to act fast.

Well, now, Doctor, I don't want him pumped full of mind-numbing drugs.

Or do I?

If only it were that simple, Mrs Brown.

I think the best course of action is a change of lifestyle.

Oh... He needs vitamin D.

Take him out into the sun. Sun?

He needs exercise. Walk with him.

Walk?

Cook him a healthy, nutritious, well-balanced diet.

Diet?

And even give him the odd massage.

LAUGHTER

Massage?

It's really all up to you, Mrs Brown.

Yeah.

What did he say?

Doctor says you're fucked.

But deep down, in the fulcrum of my being,

I feel I have more to offer.

I don't have a fulcrum.

Yes, Maria.

Oh, my God, yes.

I can be more than just Maria Brown.

And in recognising that, I somehow kind of...

It kind of galvanised me. Does that make sense?

What's galvanised?

Maria, what you said there is just so brutally honest

and, I think, strikes a chord with so many women.

Thank you for sharing.

Oh, here's our producer.

Hello, Roger.

ROGER: Yeah, that sounds fine.

Yeah, let's take five, get our ducks in a row,

shake off the old cobwebs, yeah?

Sorry? Take a break.

Oh! Thanks, Roger.

Was that OK, Cathy? I hope I didn't ramble on.

Are you kidding me? That was amazing, Maria.

I'm going to galvanise me fulcrum.

THEY CHUCKLE

Girls, can you believe it?

We're going to be podcasters.

Yes! I know! THEY GIGGLE

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

What a load of shite. Yeah.

MIMICS CATHY: You were amazing, Agnes.

No, no, you were amazing, Winnie!

Oh, and Birdie, you were SUPER amazing!

I know! Here, here... THEY LAUGH

ALL: We're going to be podcasters!

THEY LAUGH

Gobshites.

Who in their right mind is going to listen to that?

BIRDIE LAUGHS

And the bit about underwear -

I was wanting to cut me ears off. MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

"Why can't I get meself a comfortable bra," she asks?

Because you're too lazy to go into the buckin' shop

and try one on, that's why. Yeah.

Instead, they order them online

and then they whinge and moan when they don't fit.

What happened to real problems? Mm.

When I was their age, my biggest problem

was having too many children

and not enough tits to feed them.

LAUGHTER Yeah.

Same here, Birdie.

I was like a walking dairy.

THEY LAUGH

I couldn't blink but one of them wanted to be fed!

I remember once, I went down to the village

and I went into the butcher's -

well, the people were staring at me.

I didn't realise Dermot was still stuck to me.

THEY LAUGH

Hanging on for dear life!

THEY LAUGH

I remember that, Agnes.

How old was he then?

12.

THEY CHUCKLE

What's that, Agnes?

I don't know.

Will I press it? No, don't!

Cathy'll kill you.

Go on, Birdie, press it.

She is not pressing that button.

I am.

Oh!

Hello! welcome to Finglas FM Live with The Three Biddies.

THEY CACKLE

And what's your name, caller?

Er, Roger.

Hello?

Hey, Marco?

Would you pay me to walk your dog?

No.

Why not? I don't have a dog.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to buy a dog?

No.

OK, let's say you did have a dog.

You'd pay me to walk it for you, wouldn't you?

Buster, I'd pay you just to leave me alone.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Aw.

How much?

OK, let's go over it again.

Agnes, we've done this 100 times.

Winnie, we have to get our stories straight.

If I've deprived Cathy of her podcast opportunity, I'm dead.

And let me be very clear here.

If I go down, I'm taking you two with me.

Hiya, Ma.

Mark, have you seen Cathy?

No.

Why? What did you do now?

Nothing, I didn't do anything.

Neither did I.

Here, what's wrong with Grandad?

Dermot said he's not well.

Dr Flynn said he needs to get out of the house,

but the bastard won't budge.

Seasonal Affective Disorder, Mrs Brown.

A lot of my congregation are suffering from it.

That's why they can't come to mass.

You keep telling yourself that, Father.

I don't know what to do with Grandad.

I could mention him in my prayers, if you like.

Oh, thank you, Father.

Problem solved.

Did you hear about Cathy's podcast, Mark?

No, what happened?

Well, you know Cathy was worried Mammy would ruin it?

Like she normally does, yeah.

Well, as it turns out...

LAUGHTER, CHATTER

Actually, here she is now, I'll let her tell you.

Quick, girls, look normal.

Oh, champagne all round, please, Sharon.

I hope you'll all join us in a little celebration.

Recording went well, then, yeah?

Very well.

Roger called it ground-breaking.

That's fantastic!

I'm delighted for you, Cathy.

And relieved.

SHE MOUTHS

I feel guilty, Mammy.

I was convinced you'd find a way to ruin it.

Oh, so was I.

Me too.

Oh, thanks a bunch, girls.

To say I'm hurt is an understatement.

Where are they?

Where are my newest podcasting superstars?

Over here, Roger. Hey, Cathy.

A toast to the latest podcasting sensations, huh?

Agnes, you and those two other women are going to be internet stars.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

She still looking?

They both are.

Just couldn't help yourself, could you?

It was a complete accident, Cathy.

We didn't know he was listening, did we, girls?

I had me suspicions when he said, "Hello, it's Roger."

LAUGHTER

Every time something good happens in my life,

you stick your oar in and ruin it.

You three better not embarrass me.

We won't.

Now, where was I?

Son, you were at the bar

and then before that, you were standing there.

What?

BOTH: You get used to it.

Now a podcast with all six of you giving your opinion

and discussions will bridge the generational divide.

You see, this has never been seen before.

On one side, we have the modern woman,

full of vigour and exuberance...

Don't worry, Cathy, he'll get to you in a second.

And then on the other side, we have wisdom, perseverance...

And Mammy.

I'm telling you, Roger, she will break you.

Well, she seems fairly tame to me,

like a little pussycat.

Meow.

Now, what is the topic going to be for our first episode, huh?

Toilet rolls. Toilet rolls.

Why are they so expensive all of a sudden?

Yeah, I'm not really sure... Mammy!

This podcast will discuss major issues

that women struggle with on a daily basis.

We should include kitchen towels, though.

It's not consumer affairs!

Well, look, let's look at this from a different angle.

What are the topics that you discuss mostly

on a daily basis?

Social injustice. Politics. Mortality.

Penis.

You took that right out of me mouth.

BOTH CACKLE

I love it, Mrs Brown!

I don't know if we'll get an hour out of it.

Lucky to get two minutes out of most men!

Zinger! And everybody's applauding!

Roger!

We don't want our show to be about stereotypical rubbish.

No, Cathy's right.

Women need a forum for discussion and guidance.

Show me one woman that wants to hear another podcast about sex.

Come on, Grandad. Oh...

We'll just be going as far as the garden!

No!

Grandad, don't be so stubborn.

Mark is just trying to help.

I'm staying here!

Hey, Ma!

Hello, son. DOOR CLOSES

Hello, Buster.

So, how's the dog-walking going?

Ruff!

Very ruff, Ma.

Give us a hand in here, Dermot.

I'm giving it up, Mrs Brown. Oh...

I didn't get a customer all week.

Wasted all our money on this crap.

Buster, you have a good thing going here.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

How long did it take?

1,000 years.

No way. I'd be too old.

I tried to warn you, Buster! THEY GRUNT

But would you listen?

No.

Dermot, he needs a mentor, not a tormentor.

Business is about hard work, Ma.

I didn't get to where I am today by walking dogs.

Do you hear Elon Musk in there?

It's pointless, Ma.

There's no moving him.

Pointless? It could be worse, it could be The Chase.

LAUGHTER

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

APPLAUSE

CREW: And action.

It's pointless, Ma.

There's no moving him.

Feck it, I was hoping to get rid of him

before the podcast starts.

Hi, Cathy. DOOR CLOSES

Hey, Mark. Hello, love.

She hasn't said a word to me all day.

That's nothing, Ma. Maria hates you.

She actually said it.

I didn't mean to hijack the feckin' podcast!

It was an honest mistake.

I know that, Ma.

But try not to cause any more drama, will you?

Me? Drama?

Oh, my God!

What now? Grandad's out of his chair.

Buster, how did you do that?

I just asked him did he want to go to the park.

Throw the ball, throw the ball!

Buster, never mind the dog-walking!

I think you've found your calling.

Really? What do you mean, Ma?

Dr Flynn said that there's old people all over Finglas

who have Grandad's condition.

Buster, throw the buckin' ball.

GRANDAD GRUNTS

Buster, this is an untapped market.

You need to get the word out.

Like an advertising campaign in the newspaper.

Dermo, shush. Business talk.

No, no. No, bigger than that.

And I think I have just the thing.

Buster, get out there to him quick.

He's pissing on me daffodils!

Ladies.

Er, can we get the talent in here, please?

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Did you hear that, Cathy? He called us the talent.

Oh, sit.

How do you want to do this, Rog? Will I take the lead?

Absolutely not! I am the host.

I want you to think of this like a football team, Mrs Brown.

Cathy here is our midfield maestro pulling all the strings, yeah?

Are you sure? Because she folds under pressure.

Will you shut up?

Cathy will distribute the ball to all of you

and all you have to do is score the goals.

So she does the donkey work in the midfield

and I'm the out-and-out striker?

Exactly. I like it.

Are we doing a diamond formation or 4-4-2?

It doesn't matter, Mammy! Jesus Christ.

It does if you're a striker.

The best of luck, everybody!

In five, four, three...

The ball is in, and the game is on.

Hello and welcome to Debatable,

the new podcast made by women for women.

# Ba-ba-da-bip-boo-boo! #

Seriously? We can lose it in the edit!

Continue! Well, let's just dive in.

What's the biggest struggle facing women in today's world?

Potatoes.

What?

I don't know if you've noticed it, but I've noticed this -

potatoes are getting smaller.

Finally, somebody has the courage to stand up

and say what we've been thinking for years.

Yeah, you get two or three big ones in the bag

and then you get loads of little ones,

and it takes forever to peel them.

I just felt it needed to be said.

I think our listeners would like to hear something

a little more highbrow.

Yeah, eyebrows are getting silly now.

LAUGHTER

Maria has nice ones.

Yeah. Yes, you do, Maria.

Are they pencilled in or are they au natural?

I'm lost.

Can we get back to potatoes?

No!

Yes, Maria.

Well, menopause is a difficult discussion topic,

and I would love to know what advice the older ladies

might have to offer.

Yes, so would I, Maria.

So, how did you ladies deal with the dreaded change?

I just got on with it.

That's it? That's your advice?

Yeah.

Yeah, you'll be grand.

The wine helps.

LAUGHTER

What are you doing here, Buster?

Oh! SHE CLEARS THROAT

And now a word from our sponsor.

We don't have a sponsor, Mammy.

That's what you said about the jingle.

Roger! You need to do something here!

We can lose it in the edit, Cathy.

Just continue.

Hello.

Do you have a hairy friend that needs walking?

A dog or an old person, perhaps?

Question mark.

Well, have no fear -

Buster Brady Canine and Geriatric Mobility Service is here.

Buster Brady Enterprise accepts no liability or responsibility

for anybody lost or dead or...

Please contact your doctor before enrolling.

And now back to the show.

# Ba-ba-da-bip-bip-boo! #

Talk to Mammy.

I would love some advice on something.

I have a friend, and her mother is ruining her life.

Oh, that's a tough one, Cathy.

How old is your friend?

Oh, same age as me.

Is she an only child?

No, she has brothers.

My friend tries to rise above it,

but very recently, she came to the conclusion

that her mother is a selfish,

manipulative tyrant!

Oh, the poor girl.

You know, it can happen.

Mothers can be cruel without realising it.

Agnes...

Shut up, Winnie, I'm talking.

She probably wants to scream and shout in frustration,

but I say no.

Nyet.

No, no, no, Mamma Mia.

No.

Give her a hug.

Her mother'll get the message.

OK, I think that's the perfect time to take a break.

Yeah, I think so.

I'm gasping for a cup of tea.

I wouldn't mind a leek, either.

SHE LAUGHS

I thought that went well.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Thank you for that, Mammy.

No problem, Cathy.

Oh, shite.

You all right, Agnes?

Roger?!

That soppy bit at the end,

we can lose that in the edit, can't we?

Here, do you know the Finglas Dogs' Home?

I didn't even know he was away.

What about it?

I saw Buster Brady coming out of there

with about six dogs pulling on his belt.

He went past me like a stagecoach.

THEY CACKLE

So where was he?

Buster? No, the Finglas dog!

You should've seen the church this morning, Mrs Brown.

Standing room only.

Oh, I'm delighted for you, Father.

Thanks be to God.

No, Mrs Brown, thanks be to Buster Brady.

He arrived there with lots of elderly folk on leashes!

OK, everybody, just make yourselves comfortable.

Good boy. Go get 'em. He-he, he!

Mrs Brown, I have a surprise for you.

Buster, I don't want a return on the investment,

I'm just happy to see you succeed.

Oh, what the hell is that?!

Grandad left that in the park.

Here, Buster, give that to Dermot.

He's been giving you a lot of shit over the last couple of days.

Right, I'll see yous tomorrow.

OK. For podcast number two.

Yeah.

I'm glad he's back, Agnes.

Who? Grandad?

No, the Finglas dog!

SOFTLY: For fuck's sake.

Well, that's it for today's podcast.

Get in touch. We love to get your questions.

Er, but Cathy, just before you go... SHE CLEARS THROAT

..there's something I want to say. SHE CLEARS THROAT

Lately I've been thinking about, you know,

how things sometimes lead to something else.

Like everything you say or do

influences something or somebody else.

I'll give you an example.

I was in our local garage,

and I saw a man filling his Escort with diesel.

I bet she died did she?

Shut up, Winnie!

He put the fuel in the car and the car went.

And I saw Buster Brady, who's a dog-walker,

taking the time to figure out what was wrong with Grandad.

And, look, me, Winnie or Birdie,

we never intended to do a podcast,

and yet here we are.

Thanks to my daughter, Cathy.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

A mother and daughter relationship can be tough sometimes.

I know over the years, Cathy felt I treated her

like a child... Well, Mammy...

Let...

And maybe she's right.

Because, you see, I never wanted Cathy to grow up.

Every time Cathy's upset,

all I see is a little girl holding her arms out saying,

"Mammy, pick me up."

She's too heavy for that.

The point is,

I think mothers expect more of their daughters

than they do of their sons,

and I'm sorry for that, Cathy,

and for a few other things, too.

But I won't change.

To me, you'll always be that little blonde child.

That's not her real colour.

I swear, Winnie, I will buckin' kill you.

Standing there, with your arms open wide, saying,

"Pick me up, Mammy."

And I will, every chance I get.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Right, let's all go home.

Mammy, you didn't press record.

No, I didn't.

Because that last bit was just for you.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Goodnight, Mammy.

Goodnight, love.

Well, you didn't think I was going to apologise to her

in buckin' public, did you?

Goodnight! APPLAUSE

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all, she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down... #

Goodnight! # She's Mrs Brown

# Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown

# Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

SHE CACKLES