Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown... #

You two be careful out there now.

We will. And keep your wits about you.

The Lord will guide us, Mrs Brown.

And we've Google Maps as well, just in case.

Have you got everything you need?

Have you got your hat, your gloves? Clean underwear?

Yes, Mammy.

Good boy. Where's your hiking boots?

It's a pilgrimage, Mammy. You don't need hiking boots.

You can't go up a mountain in sneakers and sandals.

The other priests are doing it barefoot.

And if they put their hand in the fire,

would you put your hand in the fire? Probably.

Probably.

Mammy, we have to go.

Goodbye.

Ring me and let me know you're safe.

It's a mountain, so there probably won't be any phone signal.

Send a text.

And hold hands till you get on that bus.

The things faith makes people do.

Going up a mountain in your bare feet.

I wouldn't go up me stairs without me slippers.

Come on, look.

Where are they going?

Look.

They're going to climb Croagh Patrick.

I climbed up Croagh Patrick.

No, you didn't. Her name was Patricia,

and she's lost weight since then.

Come on.

Well, Cathy's gone to a conference in Rome,

and with Trevor going on the pilgrimage,

I have the house to meself.

Tea!

Almost.

I'll get it for you in a minute.

How are you, Winnie? Yeah.

I just saw Father Damien and Trevor heading out there holding hands.

Yeah, they're so excited.

Did you sprinkle them with holy water?

They're priests. They're the ones that make it.

Whatever's in their water bottle now is already holy.

How are yous? Hi there. Hello, you two.

You two look very happy. Do we?

What's going on?

Come on, spill the beans.

Tea, for God's sake!

Don't mind him, he's just narky.

He's been laid up in bed.

Where's Cathy? I think she's getting laid up in Italy.

What happened, Grandad?

He was watching Loose Women and he hurt his wrist.

Don't ask me.

Here, Dermot, give him one of them, will you? Sure, Ma. Good boy.

Tell her nothing, sweetheart. I won't, darling.

RETCHES

Sit down, Maria.

Now, let's start with the bullet points

and we can fill in the gaps later.

I'd love to tell you, Mrs Brown.

Oh, good, because, you know, I wouldn't like this to turn ugly.

But I can't. Winnie, get me a car battery and some jump leads.

What drawer are they in?

Winnie, I'm bucking joking, sit down.

Myself and Dermot want to do something.

Ah, you're getting a pussycat.

No.

Ah, you're moving house.

No, we are...

Ah, you're having a baby.

Winnie, for God's sake, it's not 20 questions.

I will castrate him if he impregnated you again.

A new baby would be lovely, Agnes.

Yeah, one. They don't have them in ones.

We'll be up to our neck in shitty nappies again.

We are not having a baby.

Ah, you're getting a dog.

Winnie, will you shut up or I'll cut out your tongue

and I'll feed it to the dog.

You ARE getting a dog.

Oh, Jesus.

I know, you're emigrating.

Yes.

What?

I'm only joking.

Me bucking heart.

Did she get it out of you? No.

How could I get it out of her with motormouth here?

She was only short of waterboarding her.

Is it a baby? Is it a cat? Is it a stepladder?

It's not Family bucking Fortunes.

Will we put you out of your misery?

Yes, please.

BOTH: We're getting married.

Oh, Jesus, that's lovely.

Congratulations.

What?

I'm delighted for yous.

Thanks, Winnie.

Come on, let's go tell your mammy.

Isn't that a surprise, Agnes?

It's a big surprise, Winnie,

when you consider that they're already bucking married.

I think I hear a car.

Quick, Winnie, run round there and check.

I'm scared, Agnes. You check.

You're some sidekick.

Will I check?

Jesus Christ, you frightened the life out of me.

What are you doing here?

I just came in to investigate.

I seen all the lights off.

Thought it looked a bit dodgy.

Yeah, well, you'd know.

Who we hiding on?

Hillary Nicholson.

Why? It's Hillary.

The why is irrelevant.

Oh, she's probably just coming over to talk about Dermot and Maria

renewing their vows, is she? Yes, now you feck off.

Let yourself out.

OK. See you.

Yeah, can't wait.

Oh, hello, Mrs Nicholson.

Oh, jeez, what?!

Got you again!

Agnes, I hear an engine.

OK, Winnie, you hold the fort.

I'll go and check.

GLASS SMASHES

CLATTERING

Agnes, it's only Birdie.

Let her in, then.

How are you, Birdie?

Hiya, Winnie, love. How's it going? Shush, you two. Shush.

I feel like a commando.

So do I.

But where would you find two commandos at this hour?

THEY CACKLE

Shush.

Hiya, Birdie. Stay quiet.

Agnes, do you know what was odd?

What? When I was letting Birdie in, I saw a Mercedes pull up outside.

We very seldom see a car like that on our road.

You fecking eejit.

That's Hillary!

Oh, no.

OK.

FOOTSTEPS

She's coming.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it. You will not...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello?

Anybody home?

Agnes. What?

All this excitement, I'm bursting to go to the loo.

DOORBELL RINGS

Well, you can't go now.

Think of something else to take your mind off it. OK.

I spy with my little eye

something beginning with T.

I will bucking choke you.

Toilet. Will you shut up?

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

She's going.

Can I go to the loo now?

No, wait till the car pulls away.

I'm not taking any chances with Lady Muck.

How come you don't like her, Agnes?

I never said I didn't like her.

So you do like her?

I never said that either.

No, no, the thing about Hillary is, she's very...

BAG CLATTERS

..sneaky.

Hello, darlings.

I'm sure it's here somewhere.

Yeah, yeah.

Birdie lost her contact lens.

We were just down looking for it.

Oh, Hillary, let yourself in again.

I did ring the bell. Twice.

Will you shut up, you gobshite?

So common. We are not common.

Agnes, I have to take a dump.

Winnie!

Ah, here it is.

See you, Agnes.

See you... See you, Birdie.

Now, this won't take long.

I know how valuable a commodity time is at your age.

Do sit down, Hillary. Your cankers must be killing you.

Maria and Dermot, I suppose you've heard the big news.

Yes. I did not expect this to happen.

You don't like it either? Well, how could I?

Springing it on us like this, Agnes?

Exactly. So irresponsible.

Not exactly giving us much time to organise everything, are they?

Not enough time... Whoa, whoa. What do you mean, us?

Well, if it's a problem, darling, I can do it myself.

I'm not sure about the whole thing at all.

I understand, Agnes.

Right, then. Leave it to me.

Thank you, Hillary.

Now, I must dash.

I'm meeting the choir in ten minutes to pay the deposit.

Choir? Yes.

This is going to be the Nicholson social event of the year, darling.

We must have a choir. It's a vow renewal.

It's not a bucking royal wedding.

I'm confused.

Are you saying no to the choir?

Yes!

Hillary, you're losing the run of yourself.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Agnes. I am.

Yeah, well, that's all right, just stall the ball.

It's an Irish phrase. It means slow down.

IRISH ACCENT: Stall the ball?

Yes. You know, relax the cacks.

Relax the cacks.

You are so common.

Oh, I am not common. Hillary, what I have is the common touch.

And that is what?

Well, that's common and that's the touch.

I'll be off.

I hurt my hand.

I've never heard anything so stupid in me life.

Lots of people renew their vows, Mammy.

After just 13 years?

It's a long time by today's standards.

And by yours.

Let me put it in perspective.

My bra is older than their marriage.

Mammy, I think you should just stay out of it

and get a new bra.

Why can't he be like a normal husband

and just give her chocolates and flowers

that he buys in a local petrol station?

Your father proposed to me once and we got married once.

How did Daddy propose?

Oh, he held me hands and he looked into my eyes

and he started to stammer.

He said,

"Pregnant? What do you mean bucking p-pregnant?"

It's great to have you home.

This is where you get to say, "It's great to be home, Mammy!"

Yeah, it is.

Oh, here, I got you something in the Vatican.

Oh, Cathy, don't be spending your money on me.

Well, it wasn't that expensive.

You can bucking keep it, so.

I got Trevor one, too. Where is he?

He's on his pilgrimage.

He'll be home tomorrow night.

Well, I'm going to bed.

You heading up? No, I'm going to finish this last cup of tea.

Goodnight, Mammy. Goodnight, love.

Oh, and thank you.

Oh.

Oh, look at that.

Cheap as chips, but lovely.

Grandad, if you don't stop doing this,

you're going to cause permanent damage. And you'll go blind.

You want a cup of tea, Doctor? No, thank you, Mrs Brown.

Agnes, do you have anything healthy to drink?

Water.

I'm only asking.

The reason I stay young, you know, is because I eat healthy

and I drink healthy.

And you lie about your age.

What's that? I say healthy is all the rage.

Too true.

Oh, too true! Too true!

Choo-choo, choo-choo!

Is there a train coming?

Oh, Agnes, it's so hard to choose a theme.

Why do we need a theme? It's just a party.

What do you think of autumnal bliss?

It's a lovely air-freshener.

And once again, darling, it's not a party,

it's a soiree.

Soiree we bucking started.

Music?

Ah, yes. Maria has requested Canon In D as they enter the room.

Now, I know THE most wonderful little pianist.

Yeah, well, you married him.

Sorry? Nothing.

He is expensive, at 300 euros... An inch.

..an hour, but I think you'll agree he's worth every inch...

Penny!

No, I don't agree, Hillary. I think it's madness.

Well, what do you propose?

Leave it to me. I didn't know you played.

I don't, but at 300 euro an hour, I'll learn it.

I'll look after the music.

Right. What are your thoughts vis a vis the venue?

Well, vis a vis a vis,

my vis's thoughts of vis's was Foley's.

Agnes, really?

You can't be serious.

I am serious.

That's where they met, that's where they got engaged.

It's where the triplets were christened.

No, I'm sorry, Hillary.

That's a deal-breaker for me.

We'll see.

We'll see you in Foley's.

Or...

Or what? ..we could have it here in the house.

God, no. Foley's, then.

I beg your pardon?

Oops. Did I say that out loud?

Posh ponce.

Oops. Did I say that out loud?

Bit below the belt, Agnes.

Well, that's because you wear your belt so high.

Is that to keep your titties up, is it?

How dare you?

How dare you? You started it.

You have sneered at every suggestion I've made.

That's only because they're shite.

If this was left up to you, it would be no more than a barn dance.

At which you'd have plenty of company, you old cow.

Moo!

Moo!

Oh, dear.

That went a lot better than I expected.

MUSIC: Canon In D by Pachelbel

MUSIC STOPS

There you go.

You'd think I was playing it.

Oh, that's fantastic. Can I have a go?

OK, so I go down the list,

I get the number, put in the number and press play.

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, now you're talking, Agnes!

This is my kind of music.

What's going on? What...?

You never pressed star.

Try it again.

OK.

Number, star, play.

CANON IN D PLAYS

That's fantastic, Mark.

Thanks very much. No problem.

I'll leave it in the kitchen, Ma. Good boy.

Hiya, Mark. Hiya. Hello, love.

Hiya. Hiya.

Any sign of Trevor?

No, I must have got the days wrong.

I thought he was coming home last night.

How's things going with the ceremony?

Well, the music is sorted.

We just need Trevor and Damien to come home and we're all set,

and I might have to do a little bit of patching up with Hillary.

Mammy, I knew you'd start an argument.

It wasn't an argument.

OK, it was an argument, but I didn't start it.

Yeah, right.

What a waste of fecking time.

In my day, you just got a baby-sitter and got married

and that was that.

I was never into the whole marriage thing.

No, I didn't want to be tied down.

Mind you, I didn't mind being tied up.

"Don't be so rough."

Redser tied me up once, you know.

You never told me that.

I was standing at the bottom of the stairs in me birthday suit.

Oh, my God.

KNOCKING

That's the back door.

I'll get it! Thanks, love.

I was standing there naked. Now, remember, it was February.

I was freezing.

But lucky enough I had a nice fluffy muff.

I'm standing there at the bottom of the stairs...

..I'm holding a rope in one hand,

and I have a bag of glow-in-the-dark nipple-clamps

in the other hand.

And Redser walked in.

I swear he nearly dropped his bucking bike.

He dragged me over to the banisters, by the muff, and he...

He tied me to the banisters.

What knot did he use?

What?!

Well, I like knots.

Go on, Agnes, go on.

So he tied me to the banisters.

Oh, somebody open a window.

And then he put his hand in the bag and took out a handful of...

..you know, the glow-in-the-dark nipple-clamps.

He clamped me mouth and went down to the bucking pub.

I got yous hook, line and sinker.

Ma. Mark, yes, love?

What's wrong? Mrs Brown?

It's about your son Trevor.

I told him to hold hands.

I feel so helpless just sitting here.

We should be doing something.

Mark said he'd let us know if he hears anything.

Leave it to the professionals.

How hard can it be to find 12 priests?

Up a mountain, in the fog?

I'd say pretty hard, Buster.

Just rattle a collection box, they'll appear out of nowhere.

The Gardai said that they were confident they would find them.

They will.

Hopefully alive, too.

Look, everybody needs to be a bit more positive.

They'll be fine.

I hope so, Mammy.

They will.

I need a drink.

Sit down, Agnes.

Leave this to me.

Dermot, get your mother a drink, son.

I'll get it meself.

Sharon. Cider, Mrs B? No, brandy.

Double? Yes.

Dermot, take the boxing gloves off your grandad, will you?

He's parched with the thirst.

Oh, here's bucking Baywatch.

Agnes, I came as soon as I heard.

Thank you, Hillary. You're very good.

Have you heard anything?

Just that they didn't return when they were supposed to,

and the weather is hampering the search.

He'll be fine.

They all will.

Agnes, look at me.

They will be fine!

I bucking know they will.

Agnes. What?

I mean it.

Oh, I'm going to mean...

I know you do. Thanks, Hillary.

There you go, Mrs B. Thanks.

On the house. Oh, thanks, Sharon.

Oh, could I have one of those?

Sure. 11.50.

Hillary...

I owe you an apology. Oh, we don't need to discuss that now.

No, I do.

The Dermot and Maria thing, I got caught up in the whole thing,

and I took it out on you.

I thought you were happy about the ceremony. No.

I'm old-fashioned.

I believe the vows you make on your wedding day are the ones

that should stay with you for the rest of your marriage.

Why would you try to renew them? Why tempt fate?

Anybody I know who's renewed their vows,

their marriage broke up.

Well, I'm sure that's just coincidence.

It might be coincidence, but why take the chance?

If you're happy in your marriage...

Clap your hands.

No, I wasn't going to say that.

I was going to say, be glad of it and just work to keep it going.

I never thought of it like that.

Get out the way.

Mark, well...?

They found them.

How are they?

Ask them yourself.

I owe you.

OK, everyone, please take your seats.

They've arrived.

Good luck, Agnes.

Thanks, Hillary.

Oh, Hillary, you've done a wonderful job.

I've never seen the house looking as good.

Well, it wasn't easy...

OK, OK, buck off.

Will I start the music now?

No, no. Wait till they're under the arch of love.

Seriously?

Now, Buster!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is my pleasure

to introduce to you, all the way from downtown Finglas,

weighing in at a combined weight of 345lb...

Get on with it, Buster.

..Mr and Mrs Brown!

Agnes.

Give me a minute!

Now play the music!

I'm trying. It won't work.

Oh, small technical difficulty, darlings.

I have it. On.

Thank you for your patience.

We may now proceed.

FAST VERSION OF OLD MACDONALD PLAYS

MUSIC ENDS

Good afternoon.

We'd like to welcome you all to witness Dermot and Maria

as they reaffirm their lives to each other.

If anyone believes that these two should not renew their vows,

please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Don't look at me. I said nothing.

SHEEP BAAS

Sorry.

Well, I think it's safe to say we can continue.

Many years ago, when these two young, beautiful hearts

first met... Stop.

It wasn't me!

COW MOOS

MOUTHS

It was me.

I need to object.

Ooh, plot twist.

DRAMATIC NOTES PLAY

Mother, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, Maria, darling, but I can't let you do this. Both of you.

Hillary, I am embarrassed for you.

Everybody's staring at you!

BIRD SQUAWKS

I was all for this ceremony and what I thought it meant,

but you're making a mistake.

DONKEY BRAYS

You don't need to renew your vows.

You just need to keep on being that special person

in each other's hearts.

OTHERS: Aw...

But you went to so much trouble, Mother.

In fairness, Maria, she did have help.

Winnie, keep me out of this.

Agnes made me realise that you don't need to renew your marriage.

You just need to celebrate it.

So why don't we all just... relax the cacks?

I'm good with that.

Well, if you're good, I'm good.

Right, everyone, listen up.

Last one down to Foley's gets the first round.

Hillary, thank you.

I think it's you who should be thanked.

Oh...

You know, for a snooty old cow, she's not bad.

That was some week.

Trevor and Father Jamie are home safe, thank God.

And a lot of lessons to be learned.

I mean, do you need a ceremony to renew your vows?

No.

I have an idea.

Renew them every day.

Yes, make an effort to tell the person you love

that you want to woo them every single day.

See, marriage is like a doughnut.

You know, nobody cares as long as there's a hole in the middle.

No, no, I didn't mean that. That's not what I meant.

What I meant is, marriage is like a loaf of bread.

You know, if you don't look after it, it goes stale.

My marriage was like a salmon.

I'm a catch.

And there was a bucking smell off him.

Here's my tips for any relationship.

When the going is smooth, go with the flow.

And when things get tricky, and they will sometimes,

stall the ball.

Relax the cacks.

Oh, and I want to dedicate this series to Lily and Dame Edna.

Sleep well.

Goodnight.

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown... #