Original subtitles

MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnus

# Our Mrs Brown... #

Oh, hello. Thanks for dropping in again.

Well, it's been some week.

All done, Mrs Brown.

Oh. So what's the news, Doctor?

To be honest, Grandad is in tip-top shape.

I haven't seen him this well in a long time.

So you've no good buckin' news?

HE CHUCKLES

Oh!

I saw this, and I thought to myself,

"I know someone who'd like this."

Thank you, Dr Flynn.

Just leave it over there with the others.

Oh...

Mrs Brown, the clinic could do with a lick of paint...

Goodbye, Doctor.

Goodbye, Mrs Brown.

It's been a very weird week...

Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Father Damien.

Hello, son. Hiya, Mammy.

I brought Damien round as you said you'd something for him.

Yes. Father Damien, you were saying that there's the leak

in the church roof. That's right, Mrs Brown.

And I was hoping you might give me something for it. Of course I will.

Here you go.

Now, put it directly under the leak and make sure it doesn't overflow.

But...I thought you might give us a donation... Come on, Damien.

See you, Mammy. See you, love.

Well, as I said, it's been a weird week.

You know, money does strange things to people.

Not to me.

No, I've all the money I need for the rest of me life...

..if I die on Friday.

No, they say that money makes the world go round.

I think it does more than that.

I think it makes it spin -

and spin so fast that people get money-dizzy.

The events of the last week, they've proved that to me.

Make yourself comfortable and I'll explain.

It started last week.

It was the first night of Foley's Foreign Food Festival.

I'm not a fan of foreign food.

I prefer Irish food, like spaghetti bollock-naked or pizza.

It didn't stop Birdie.

Oh...

MRS BROWN GASPS

Oh, sweet Jesus, Winnie.

It's very spicy, Agnes.

I can barely feel me tongue!

Don't say anything to Sharon.

You'll only hurt her feelings.

Feelings? Plural? She has two?

You have barely touched your food, Mrs Brown.

No, Chef Aly.

It's very...filling.

You think? It's too spicy, isn't it?

Oh, no!

Chef Aly, if anything, it's not spicy enough.

More spice! More spice!

All right, Birdie?

Oh, it's lovely, Sharon. Thanks very much.

What about you, Mammy?

It's... It's really tasty, Sharon.

What are you serving tomorrow night?

Wednesday's wurst.

Worse that this shi...er, stuff?

You can count me out.

Wurst. It's a German sausage.

Oh, that'd be right up your street, Birdie.

You love a good sausage!

The bigger, the better.

You're hilarious, Mrs Brown. Yeah!

Dessert will be served shortly.

Why doesn't she just serve normal food?

Come on, let's go home. We can get Chinese on the way home.

We're not leaving, Agnes!

LISPING: Did yous do the Lotto?

15 million tomorrow night.

What's she saying?

I haven't a buckin' clue.

CATHY LAUGHS

Who's talking to Cathy at the bar?

She looks familiar.

Not to me.

MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS

HE SHOUTS

Who likes tequila?

Who likes tequila?

MUSIC ENDS

Well, if it isn't Speedy Gonzales and his brother Hugo Chavez!

How are yous? Are yous enjoying the food?

Well, apart from the third-degree burns, yes.

Nothing to do with us, Ma.

We're just promoting it.

Yeah. I'm waiting the tables and taking bookings

and cleaning the freakin' glasses.

All right, Buster. I get it. But we need the work.

Yeah. Well, I'm just telling you, Dermo,

as soon as our numbers hit, I'm out. Numbers? What numbers?

Our Lotto syndicate for tonight's big jackpot draw. Oh...

15 million euro jackpot.

I'll have a piece of that action. Put me name down, Dermo.

LISPING: And me, please.

If you're not in,

you can't win.

I hope there's subtitles on this buckin' episode.

Sorry.

It's not my fault, Agnes.

It's the food.

It's very 'picy.

Then stop buckin' eating it!

It's all-you-can-eat!

That's an advert, not a buckin' challenge!

Are you buying into the syndicate, Ma? Ha-ha! With you two? No!

That hurt, Mrs Brown.

Mucho oucho.

You're all right, lads. I will buy my own lottery ticket.

Thank you very much. Fair enough, Ma.

But don't come crying to us when we're on the front page

of the paper collecting our millions.

THEY SCREECH

MARIACHI MUSIC RESTARTS

MUSIC STOPS

Why would you do that -

be on the front page of the newspaper announcing to the world

that you've come into money?

Oh, God. 15 million euro.

Ohh!

What would yous do if you won?

Buy a Lan... Langerbeanie.

A Langerbeanie sports car?! Hmm.

We'd have a great laugh watching you trying to fucking get into that!

And you better buy a tin-opener so we can get you out!

What about you, Agnes?

I'd buy an acre of willies and walk around in me bare feet.

Seriously, Agnes.

Seriously?

Oh... Do you know what? I'd buy nothing.

And I'd go nowhere.

And, most importantly, I would tell no-one.

Except me.

I mean, you'd tell me if you won, wouldn't you?

Of course, Winnie, if that makes you feel better.

SHE MOUTHS

Dessert is served. Help yourselves.

What is it? Ice cream.

Oh, Winnie, get me some.

What kind of shenanigans is this?

Foley's Festival of Foreign Food.

Foley's Festival of Salmonella!

And lottery fever's in the air.

People are losing their mind over it.

Birdie is spending it before she even bought a ticket.

Mind you, with the price of gas and electricity at the moment,

15 million won't go far.

Oh, thanks, Winnie.

This looks OK, doesn't it?

What flavour do you think it is?

LISPING: I don't care.

As long as it's cold. Yeah.

Oh, it's fucking spicy.

TOILET FLUSHES

Good God. You think that was hot going down...

It was like a blowtorch in there.

DOOR OPENS

Mammy!

Are you up? I'm here. Aw, Mammy.

Cathy...?

I've got a surprise for you. A surprise?

You know I don't like surprises... Close your eyes! What?!

Trust me, Mammy.

You'll like this one.

Go on, close your eyes. OK. OK.

Look who it is!

Who are you?

For God's sake, Mammy, it's Anita!

Anita? Oh, my God.

Why didn't you say so?

Anita!

Yeah...

My God. Well, well, well.

Anita!

You haven't a clue who it is, do you?

Not a fucking clue. No.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Don't worry about it, Mrs Brown.

It's been a long time.

Oh, you're American.

Oh, I'm Irish.

I just sound American because my family emigrated in the '80s.

That's a clue!

It's not a great clue.

Half the country emigrated in the '80s.

Anita's back to give a lecture at Trinity College.

Oh. She's a genealogist.

Well, there's your stroke of luck.

I have a rash and it just comes right round the back.

Mammy!

That's a gynaecologist.

Yeah, I knew that. I knew that.

You haven't changed one bit, Mrs Brown.

You're still hilarious.

You're still...

..buckin' drunk.

Come on, Mammy.

You must remember the Luttrell family? Our old neighbours?

Yes, Jimmy and Margaret.

Oh, God.

You know, your father and mother were alcoholics,

but they threw the best parties.

Did they? Yes!

Cathy was conceived at one.

Come on.

Anita, come on, we're leaving.

No, no, no way.

No. Sorry, babe.

I'm going nowhere until I've heard this story.

It was fancy dress.

I think the theme was odd couples.

I was...

Am I boring you?

I went as Slutty Bo Peep,

and your father went as Frankenstein.

Oh, you should have seen him.

Cathy, he couldn't see through that mask.

I ambushed him in the bathroom.

I gave a good seeing-to.

And then, nine months later, you were born.

Sober.

That's mortifying, Mammy.

Wait a minute.

I think I've seen a home video of that party.

Oh, no, you wouldn't. There was no cameras around in the '50s.

'70s!

No, no, I did see it, Mrs Brown.

Dad had a...I think it was called a Super 8

and one year, for his birthday,

we got all his footage digitised,

and I remember seeing the crazy costumes.

That's a great present, Mammy, isn't it?

Cathy, I want an air-fryer.

Anything other than that will be a disappointment.

Oh, let me see.

Mom is the bionic woman

and Dad...

Actually, now I remember my dad,

he was also dressed as Frankenstein.

You're kidding me!

I remember the green mask

and those things in his neck. What are they called? Bolts!

Yeah.

Bolts!

Two Frankensteins.

What are the chances?

Yeah, what a coincidence.

What a coincidence.

So, Cathy, when do you want to do the test?

Tomorrow. Test? What test?

Anita helps people trace their ancestry.

Oh. So she's going to do a DNA test on me.

Why?

So I can find out where I came from.

You came from Finglas and my froufrou.

But the DNA test will tell me EVERYTHING.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, that'll be my Uber.

Come on, I'll walk you out. OK.

Oh... Goodnight, Mrs Brown.

Yeah, goodnight, Anita.

I know what you're thinking.

I even thought it myself for a couple of seconds,

but I remember that party like it was yesterday,

and I remember the costumes.

Yeah. Redser didn't have bolts.

Ha-ha!

No. When I got him in the bathroom, I remember...

SHE GIGGLES

I was up against the sink.

My arse was in the sink.

He was there going, "Ey, ey, ey, ey!

"Ooh, ooh, ooh."

I was, "Oh! Oh, Bo Peep! Oh, Bo Peep!

"Oh, I'm Bo Peep, be a sheep."

He's going, "Baa! Baa! Baa!"

So I tried to hold onto him, you know, and I couldn't get a grip

round his neck, so I just held onto the bo...

Oh, shite.

So the next day, I got out all my old photo albums.

I know there's photographs in here somewhere.

Where are you, Agnes?

I'm in here, Winnie.

Our syndicate didn't win the Lotto.

I hardly expected it.

But we were close, Agnes. How many numbers did you have?

I don't know.

Well, then, how do you know you came close?

Because it was won here, Agnes.

Somebody in Finglas hit the jackpot,

and you can't get closer than that. Hmm.

Is there something wrong, love?

Winnie, I'm going to tell you something.

And it's big. Ohh.

I mean, ma-has-sive.

What? But you have to promise me you won't tell anyone.

Cross me heart, Agnes.

That was your nipple, but...!

Remember the other night in Foley's?

Yeah. We were talking, and you asked me...

Oh, my God!

Winnie, I haven't buckin' told you yet.

But I remember what we were talking about.

You won the Lotto!

Yeah, Winnie, I won the Lotto. Will you sit down and listen?

I can't believe it, Agnes!

Are you OK, Grandad?

Uh-huh. Fine...

Winnie, go in the kitchen.

Can I help you?

I'm... I'm OK.

You're them!

You're the local that hit the jackpot!

Winnie, there's 90,000 people living in Finglas.

It could have been anybody between Ballymun Avenue

and the Tolka Valley.

But it was you!

Winnie! Winnie...

Calm down.

I did not win the lottery.

OK.

It wasn't me.

I know.

You did that wink thing again. Did I? Yes!

Winnie, who won the lottery?

Well, not you anyway.

Good girl.

Will you stop it?

How are yous? Hello, Mark.

Well, did you hear? Someone in Finglas won the Lotto.

Yeah, we heard.

Any idea who it was?

Calm down, Mark.

There are 9 million people in Finglas.

It could have been anyone from Ballymun Valley

to Tolka Avenue River.

Not just your mammy.

For fuck's sake.

Are you OK, Ma? You look a bit...stressed.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

We'll see you down Foley's later on, Mrs Brown.

Come on, Mark. Let's go and see who won it.

See you down there, Betty.

I'm sure I have photographs from that night.

Hiya, Mammy.

Hello, love. Hi. Hello, Anita.

Will we do it now, Anita?

Now's as good a time as any.

And do what? My DNA test.

Cathy, I've been thinking about that. I'm not sure it's a good idea.

You know, there's people end up in prison because of their DNA.

Those people committed crimes, Mammy, or murdered someone.

I think I'm safe.

What about that phase you went through when you were sleepwalking?

If you're anything like your mother,

God knows what you got up to that night.

Seriously, if you're unsure about this, Cathy... No, I'm not.

Don't mind me mother, Anita.

It's my DNA, and I'm doing it.

OK, I'm going in.

MRS BROWN GASPS

MRS BROWN GAGS

And we're done. That was easy.

All I need to do now is run the test and put it into the computer,

and we'll know exactly where you came from.

I'm excited.

It's exciting, Mammy, isn't it?

Yeah. It's just so fucking exciting. Yeah.

I think a little bit of wee came out.

You'd think the DNA was worrisome enough.

I don't know where it started, but by the time I got to Foley's,

I was apparently a millionaire.

I've just heard the news about your mother.

Who told you, Mrs Nicholson?

It's all over the town, darling. I can't believe it.

She's richer than me.

Well, we're still trying to figure out if it's even true.

Hang on, Father.

Who's your source, Father Damien?

I can't say.

Don't give us that crap, Father.

We need a name.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

HE WHISTLES

Eyes up here, Father!

Now - name.

What happens in the confessional stays in the confessional.

Unless it's about my mother winning the Lotto.

Well, I have to tell you that.

I mean, come on, lads.

15 million is 15 million.

I'm sure if it was true, she'd be in shock.

I don't want her getting stressed, do yous hear me?

She wouldn't be able for it. You're right, love.

We should all agree to say nothing...

MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

..until she decides to tell us herself.

And then I'll go down and help her cash the cheque.

Dermo! Buster! Customers.

SCHNELL! SCHNELL!

Winnie, get the drinks in.

Hiya, Ma. Hello, son.

You deserve it, Ma. Every bit of it.

I'm not having a main course. I might just have dessert.

Oh, well, why don't you try the millionaire's cheesecake, Mrs Brown?

It'd be too rich for me, Buster.

HE CHUCKLES

I doubt that, Mrs Brown.

Winnie, do you notice everybody being strange?

No, I don't know.

Where's the cider?

WINNIE CHUCKLES

Them days are gone, Agnes.

Winnie, how many times have I got to tell you -

I did not win the fucking lottery.

Hiya, Mammy.

Hello, boys. How are you getting on in the new parish, love?

Good. Still getting settled.

It's different being over on the south side. Yeah, I believe you.

You know, Damien was just saying he's having a problem in the church.

Yes, Mrs Brown. The church roof is leaking.

I might have to do a fundraiser.

Oh, well, if you were doing one, let me know.

I'd like to make a donation.

Thanks, Mammy.

My pleasure, love.

Hello, darlings.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Hello.

What are we celebrating?

Well, Sharon asked us to test this...

..for French Friday.

Oh...

MUMBLES: I'll fucking kill you. I'll fucking kill you.

For a moment there, I thought you'd won the jackpot.

You're a gas, Hillary!

Aren't I? Yeah, hilarious.

Well, I better be off. It's a big day tomorrow.

Captain's day at the golf club. Oh. Safe home.

Don't let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.

You should come. What?

To the Captain's day.

You should come. Me? Play golf?

I've never swung a racket in me life.

Nonsense. I'll drop by tomorrow and pick you up.

No, no.

I haven't even got the...gear.

She's gone.

I've no balls, even.

You'll have to hire somebody to manage your finances -

you know, with the Lotto money.

Winnie, I did not win the lottery.

And don't even dream about buckin' winking. Really, Agnes? Really!

Then what was all that secrecy about earlier?

Winnie, remember the other night

that girl that was talking to Cathy at the bar?

Yes. That's Anita Luttrell.

I knew I recognised her.

Well, do you remember her parents, Jimmy and Margaret Luttrell?

Oh, yeah!

Oh, they threw great parties, Agnes. Didn't they?

Do you remember that night when you were in the hot tub

and you asked this fella to go down...? Winnie! Winnie!

One sexual explosion at a time.

Winnie, there's a chance, a very good chance... Mm-hm?

..that Redser may not be the sire of my only female offspring.

Who?

Cathy!

Oh, no!

I think I shagged the wrong Frankenstein.

Stretch out your forearms.

Yes. And get your backside out

and your chest down.

My chest is always buckin' down.

And then you want to bend your knees...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.

And tuck your chin in. Yeah, yeah.

And then you lock your wrists.

Hillary, I'm not a buckin' contortionist.

And swing.

OK.

I think that was good. What do you think?

Yes, well...

Let's just get you into your outfit.

Can I not go as I am? Absolutely not!

Hi, Hillary. Oh!

Hello.

This is Anita, an old neighbour of ours.

Hillary is Dermot's mother-in-law.

Nice to meet you.

Where's Mammy?

Oh, she's just getting changed for the club.

You're bringing my mother to the golf club?

Considering her change in circumstances,

I thought it might be wise for her

to have a few like-minded people around her.

What change of circumstance?

Oh, darling, don't you know? Your mother's won the lottery!

Hillary, if my mother gets a line at the bingo,

the whole world knows about it.

Trust me -

if she'd won the lottery, I would have heard about it by now.

She's not rich?

Not financially.

But I thought...

Excuse me.

Tiger Woods, eat your heart out!

Wait, wait.

GLASS SMASHES

That bitch was going to take me golfing.

I even bought me own gum shield.

Golf is the last thing you need to be thinking about.

What's that? My DNA report.

Oh...

That's all you have to say, Mammy?

Why didn't you tell me? Or did you even know yourself?

Cathy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sleep with Anita's father.

I swear to God, I didn't.

You slept with my father?! By accident.

Completely accident. I didn't know there was two Frankensteins.

Cathy, you have to believe me. You HAVE to believe me.

I do believe you.

You must... You what?!

Well...

You didn't sleep with Jimmy Luttrell, Mammy.

Don't tell me it was some other gobshite?

It was...

It was Daddy.

Thank God.

Anita's mother sent the video.

I was going to show it to you tonight.

Oh. I was wrong, Mrs Brown.

My dad WAS dressed as Frankenstein,

but just not at that party.

Oh, thank God.

It was a completely different party. Oh!

..with a hot tub in it.

Mammy, what my test result revealed is...

Yeah?

I'm a direct descendant from the High Kings of Ireland.

EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS PLAY

How could you not tell me that?

EAST END ACCENT: I didn't fuckin' know, did I?

Well, you know now, thanks to Anita.

Thank you, Anita.

My pleasure, Mrs Brown.

And, by the way,

why does everyone in Finglas think you won the lottery?

Oh, that's Winnie. You reckon?

Yeah, I'd bet me life on it.

I love you, Agnes.

Or maybe not.

Grandad, you mouth, you!

Telling everybody I won the lottery. Get out!

You know, you could have a lot of fun with that, Mammy.

No, I... I couldn't.

EVIL VOICE: Or could I?

Where is that fucking voice coming from?

Dr Flynn, are you sure that one pedigree horse

will be enough for you? Oh, plenty, Mrs Brown. Thank you.

Dr Flynn - pedigree horse...

..and a hair transplant.

Sharon, let me just recap.

Sharon, you want a live-in manservant and a latex jumpsuit.

Buster, you want, er, water skis

and directions to a lake with a slope.

Dermot wants a villa in Spain

and surgery to take that mole off your penis. OK.

OK. Oh, look, my glass is empty.

I'll get it for you. No...

ALL CLAMOUR

Cider! All right.

There'll be hell to pay when they find out.

But in the meantime, I'm going to milk this for all it's worth.

MRS BROWN GASPS

MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

Slainte!

I've got a whole week of it so far, and lots of gifts.

SHE SIGHS

But the important thing for me in it all

is that Redser is Cathy's father.

The rest of the kids - I'm not so sure.

Oh, and whoever it is out there that IS from Finglas

and won the lottery, I hope you needed it.

I hope the arse was falling out of your trousers.

I hope it changed your life and...

..and all your dreams come true.

As for me, I don't need a lottery.

I have my family.

Goodnight.

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin Town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# A sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown... #

CHUCKLING