Original subtitles

Ha-ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

A-L-I-V-E, enter.

Wrong again, you bastard.

What do you mean, there's no V in it?

There has to be a vowel!

Hello there!

Cathy introduced me to this feckin' Wordle.

Oh, God.

I'm going to bust that phone before the end of the day.

And the words they use, they're made up! Fickititious.

Yesterday's word was "trite".

What does that even mean, "trite"?

Mind you, I got it half right.

Yeah, I typed "shite".

Hi, Agnes. Oh, hello, Winnie.

Good morning. Or could I say good afternoon?

What time do you call this?

Oh, I'm sorry, pet. I was doing me Wordle.

SIGHS: I don't want to talk about that game any more.

How many guesses did it take you?

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't blame you.

It was very hard today, wasn't it?

Why do you do that, Winnie?

I say I don't want to talk about something

and you just carry on regardingless.

I...!

I know the words are in there. Get them out.

I was really happy when I got it.

The line, is that it?

Yeah. Yeah.

How did you get it? I didn't even get three letters.

Oh, well, you know what they say, Agnes.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

No, Winnie, I don't know, because nobody feckin' says that.

What was the answer, then?

Oh, well, I can't tell you that, Agnes, it would ruin the fun.

Fun?! Do I look like I'm having fun?!

I nearly had an aneurysm because of it.

You want tea?

Yes, thank you.

Is that it? Is that the word, "thank"?

No. Then why did you pretend it was?

I didn't. I just said thank you.

No, no, Winnie, you didn't say thank you -

you didn't say, "Thank YOU."

You said, "THANK you."

What am I doing? I don't care. Hmm.

Here, Agnes, the new family are moving into number 85 today.

Oh. I seen the family coming and going.

G-O-I-N-G...

That's it! "Going", is that the word?

Agnes, what's wrong with you?

Nothing. Just stop using five-letter words, will you?

How are you, Mrs McGoogan?

Good morning, Mammy.

Good morning, chicken.

Did you get your Wordle, Cathy? Please, can we change the subject?

Agnes bored.

I thought you loved it.

Loved it?!

How can I love something that just tortures me?

It's like having... A daughter like Sharon.

That's not what I was going to say, Winnie,

but do go on, give us the gossip.

Sharon's stomping around the house

like a bear with his horns caught in the fence.

Bears don't have... Oh, it doesn't matter.

What's wrong with her?

Let me guess.

She did it again, did she?

She mistook her curling tongs for the diddly-diddly her-hildy doo-do.

Bring-ding-ding-ding, bring-ding-ding...!

Mammy! Please.

Bring-ding-ding-ding... Mammy!

Bring...

Winnie, that's not like Sharon. What's wrong with her?

Well, she's in a mood, Cathy,

because she can't do the date thing with Father Damien.

Oh, no. She was so excited for it.

What happened?

Well, she can't get anybody to cover the bar.

Oh, that's crap.

Hello?!

Father Damien dating Sharon McGoogan?!

Am I the only one that sees a situation here?

No, it's not them dating.

Father Damien is organising a speed dating night for charity in Foley's.

And what, pray tell, is speed dating?

I mean, your father was fast, you know...?

Mammy!

It's where you meet loads of people on the same night.

Oh, an orgy.

No, it's nothing to do with whales.

With speed dating, you meet all sorts of different people,

but it's really quick.

As soon as you finish with one person,

you rush to meet with someone else.

Oh, like dogging.

I-I...I believe. I read it in a magazine somewhere.

For God's sake, why do I waste my time?

I'll go call in and check on Sharon.

Oh, thanks, Cathy, love.

Look, Dermot, talk to Barbara.

Come on, Betty.

It's not up to me.

I only joined Barbara in the salon to handle the social media.

I want that contract.

What part of "talk to Barbara" did you not hear?

What are you, her bodyguard?

Get out of the way. Agh!

Ma, tell him to let me go.

Come on, you big baby, calling your mammy.

Mark! I'm going to count to three.

And?

And then I'm going to count to six.

How are you, Ma? Oh, I'm grand.

I'm just enjoying the peace and fucking quiet here.

What's going on?

These two clowns are annoying Betty.

We're trying to help.

Come on, Mark. Let's just go home and have a cuppa in peace.

You all right, Dermot? I'm grand.

Aah! Don't touch me.

Dermot, why are you annoying Betty like that?

Wash and Blow are looking to hire a company to help attract customers.

Barbara wants us to make a presentation.

Oh, that's good. No, Mammy. Not good.

I shouldn't have to make a presentation, Ma.

Me brother owns the salon.

So what? That doesn't entitle you to anything.

Nothing. Dermot, if you want a business,

you have to go about it the right way.

Put the work in. Put the work in.

Fine.

Did you get your Wordle, Buster?

Will you stop it, Winnie? Why would Buster be doing Wordle?

A-G-I-L-E. Agile.

You got it! Well done, Buster.

Yes. Well fuckin' done.

What are they taking out of the truck now?

I think it's called a futon.

You know, it's like a pouffe.

Oh, something you put your "foot on".

They're expensive, Agnes.

They must have a few bob, so.

Well, if they're calling their pouffe a futon,

I bet they're full of shit.

Here, what's that, Agnes?

It looks like a grandfather clock. Or a coffin!

THEY LAUGH

What's this? Jesus, Cathy!

You frightened the... shyness out of me.

What are you two up to?

Well, the new family are moving into number 85, and they have a futon.

Which is none of our business.

Now, let's get back to the kitchen and not be so nosy. Right.

They have a load of cushions.

Cushions? What kind of...?

I'm just kidding!

You bitch.

I'd better be off, Agnes.

If I hear anything about the new family, I'll let you know.

OK, Winnie.

I'm off too, Mammy.

See you later. See you, Cathy.

SHE CHUCKLES

It'll be nice to have new people in the street.

We haven't had anybody new in the street since - oh, 2003.

That's 20 years.

Or if you're watching this on repeat, pick a year.

The last family that lived there were the Houlihans.

Lovely family, very close.

They liked to stick together.

Yeah. They're all in prison now.

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me.

Do you want the Wordle solution?

Feck off.

No. That's seven letters.

Do you know what else is seven letters?

Funeral.

Yours!

Yeah...? Oh, for fuck's sake.

Hello, Father. Do come in.

Actually, I was just visiting your new neighbour

and I was hoping to introduce her to you.

Well, drop her round any time.

Good. Come along, Mrs Flanagan.

Oh, now? Oh...

Do come in.

What a lovely home you have.

Thank you very much. Mrs Brown, this is Mrs Flanagan.

Birdie Flanagan.

Everyone calls me Birdie.

That's nice.

Mrs Agnes Brown.

Everyone calls me Mrs Brown.

Agnes is it, so?

Hope the kettle's boiling. I'd love a cuppa.

Me throat is as dry as a jockey's crotch.

That woman has no manners,

and she's so arrogant.

Yes. You two will get along just fine.

I'll be off, then.

THEY LAUGH

So he says... Yeah? .."Are you a virgin?"

Oh! I just nodded me head.

I hadn't the heart to tell him

I was banging like the toilet door on the Isle of Man ferry!

Oh, my God!

I can't believe you knew "The Hammer" Murphy. Knew him?!

He was the father to me first child!

THEY LAUGH

Your husband? No. Just a fling.

Get it where you can, I say!

Oh, you're a gas.

Oh, Winnie. Winnie, come in.

Birdie Flanagan, meet me longest friend, Winnie McGoogan.

She doesn't look too long to me!

THEY LAUGH

I see what you mean!

Winnie, sit down and have a cup of tea.

Birdie's in my chair.

Well, sit down over there!

You're all right.

I have stuff to be doing, anyway.

Methinks Winnie is a bit whiny!

Yeah!

Listen, I'd better go myself and unpack.

No, stay where you are.

Yeah... I'll let myself out.

OK! See you, Agnes. Bye!

THEY LAUGH

Hello there.

Birdie Flanagan - and Birdie must fly.

I can't see her getting off the ground.

What the hell was that?

New neighbour. Funny lady.

I think we're going to get on.

Well, she's not shy, anyway.

No, she's not.

Are you heading out, Cathy? Yeah. Foley's.

Bit early to be drinking.

I'm not drinking. I offered to cover the bar for Sharon

for the date night... Oh. ..so she's training me in.

Really? I thought you'd be going to the date night yourself,

try and get yourself a man.

I was, but then I thought, what's the point?

It'll just be full of locals.

Yeah, and you've had all them.

No, they just wouldn't be my type.

Oh, you have a type?

What's it, pick and mix, is it?

No. Sharon really wanted to go, so I'm giving it a miss so she can.

Well, you're very good to do that for her -

but I don't want you bursting into tears now

when some hunk walks into the bar.

I'll take my chances, Mammy.

And if you hear of any single people

looking for a ticket for the date night, give them that.

Oh!

I'm single.

Yeah, right. As if you'd be going.

I might. Winnie said she was going.

She's helping Father Damien - she's working at it.

So is Dermot. Dermot is not single.

Dermot is the compere. Mm.

You can't go, Mammy. It's just not right.

Yeah, well... Actually, just give me me ticket back.

No, no, no, no.

It's my ticket now.

Mammy. Cathy.

All right! You've had your fun! Now give me me ticket!

If you want it, come and get it.

This is not over.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, Jesus.

What's going on?

Dermot wants to show Barbara something.

I can read lips.

Very nice.

So I'll just jump in when I see you struggling?

No, because you won't see me struggling.

What did he say?

Going to start juggling.

Oh, that'll be fun.

What's that?

Oh, it's a stopwatch.

I'm in charge of the timing at Father Damien's date night thingy.

Just practising.

OK, well, leave the presentation to me.

So, what? I just stand here?

No - stand there, so they can see the sign.

And look smart.

You need to make this quick, Dermot.

I'll be done in a flash.

He says he's going to do a flash.

Oh, I hope he waxed his scrotum.

A quick pitch.

He says she's a sick bitch.

Oh, she is. Starting from...now.

Will you stop? Pick up the pace, Dermot.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

Every salon out there is offering the same thing -

haircuts, hair colour, blow-dry.

The question is, how do you stand out from the crowd?

What? He says something about a blowjob in a crowd.

Oh, she'd be well into that, now.

You tell me, Dermot.

To be competitive, you need to offer customers

something they can't get anywhere else.

And how do we do that?

A complimentary ten-minute facial.

We're not beauticians.

You don't need to be.

I've been importing these.

What's them?

Condoms.

Extra large.

Well, he is his father's son.

28 seconds gone, Dermo.

You offer a free facial with every blow-dry, and before you know it,

the customers will be queuing up outside the door.

I can't make head nor tail of this.

Where do they come from?

North Korea.

Did you know they're the world leaders in facial skincare?

Did you also know that North Koreans are shorter than South Koreans?

Really? That's mad!

With our help, you can expect to see a 30% rise in... Time's up!

Sorry.

Sorry, Dermot, but I can't see it working.

Oh! Um...

Stand over there.

Bit more.

Look smart.

OK, and...go.

Anyone that buys a ticket for the speed dating night in Foley's

gets a 20% discount pamper package from Wash and Blow.

That way, you get to see if there's a market for this kind of thing -

and if there is, we get the contract to handle the promotion.

All rights are reserved by Wash and Blow

and its partner company D&B promotions.

May cause death, please consult your doctor.

Stop. Yes!

You've got yourselves a deal.

She's offering Dermot a feel.

OK. So, here's everyone's job.

Cathy, you're working the bar.

Dermo, you're our compere.

Buster is timing and switchover bell.

So far, we don't have anyone to do security.

Do we even need security?

It's Foley's.

We know everyone that'll be there.

No, Cathy, I advertised this event on social media.

People from all over Dublin have bought tickets.

I thought it was just locals.

Oh, no.

There's loads of outsiders coming.

We've two firemen from Phibsborough,

a rugby player from Swords -

all kinds.

SHE CHUCKLES

Mammy!

You don't even like rugby.

I want me ticket back.

Oh, where is it? Where did I put it?

Wait a minute. Hold on.

POP!

Oh, look at that.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Why don't you do security, Father?

Oh, no. I'll be far too busy.

Oh, yeah? Doing what?

I'll be doing the Lord's work, Mrs McGoogan.

I bet Agnes will be busy, too.

Chatting to her new pal, Birdie.

I beg your pardon, Winnie? Nothing.

You all know our new neighbour, Mrs Flanagan.

Hello, all. Hiya, Birdie.

What is all that?

Are we going to have a party?

Oh, Jesus!

No, we're arranging things for the speed date night.

Oh, Cathy, you'll do well at that.

I wish - I've to cover the bar for my friend Sharon.

Well, I was a barmaid.

If you like, I'll cover for you, love.

Would you, Birdie?

That'd be great!

Cup of tea.

You're a star, Birdie!

Isn't she just wonderful?

Oh, hello, everyone.

Hello, son. What about Mark?

Mark could do security.

Ha! He couldn't put a butt out.

What was that? Actually, Father,

now that I think of it, Mark wouldn't be a bad shout.

Great.

Mark will man the door.

What's that now?

You're going to be our security guard for the date night tonight.

Like a bouncer?

HE CHUCKLES

And, Mark, no ticket means no entry.

No exceptions. You got it.

AS JOHN WAYNE: Hey! No ticket, no entry, pilgrim.

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Very good.

Marilyn Monroe. Y... Very good.

Er, Dermo? There's a problem at the salon.

What is it? I don't know, but Betty called and she sounded flustered.

"Whaa, whaa, whaa! Whaa! Whaa!"

That's the way she sounds all the time.

Cathy, we'd better get over there.

I can't, Mammy.

I've to open Foley's in 20 minutes

and prepare Birdie for the date night.

Winnie, come on. You come with me.

Oh, now I exist?

Winnie! Coming.

MUFFLED GROANS

They can't be gone off.

I got them in 2018.

They should be nice and creamy.

Do these look creamy to you?!

I'm going to kill you two.

I'm just a distributor.

He's the importer.

I can't get it off, Mrs Brown!

Well, never mind you -

what about those poor bastards in there?

They're all here to get their hair done for the date night.

What are we going to do? OK, first of all, we need a plan.

I'll put the kettle on.

No, you won't, Winnie. No.

Winnie, you take the two girls out the back

and see if you can get that stuff off.

You two...

Feck off, just go. Go.

Terribly sorry to keep you ladies -

just a little bit of a technical hitch.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

What are you going to do? I'm going to buy you time.

Go.

MUFFLED GROANS

Yeah, I hear you. I hear you.

OK, let me have a look.

Yeah...

Hold on, I'll take it...

Oh, that is really put on, isn't it?

TEARING

Not cooked yet.

Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Look at that, it's really - now that's coming on nicely.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Yes. Yes, I hear you.

Well, I don't usually cut, really, but...

OK, I'll give it a go.

Agnes, it's peeling off.

Oh, great stuff, Winnie, well done.

Hey, listen, hurry up, will you?

Because this one's getting impatient. Right.

Oh...

Oh... Oh!

MUFFLED GROAN

Yes, I hear you. I hear you.

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Shirley Temple.

I got you, I got you.

We got most of it off. Good.

Go back inside and help Winnie -

and when you come back out... she needs her eyebrows done.

MUFFLED SPEECH

Yes, I'm coming.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

SHE GASPS

What did you do to Hillary's hair?!

Hillary? Yeah!

That's Hillary Nicholson?

Yeah.

Winnie!

Come on. We're out of here.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Get out of the way! I fucking told you!

Get out of the way. Excuse me.

Mark, love, do your mother a favour, will you?

Let me in early, get a nice seat.

Doors open eight o'clock.

SHE LAUGHS

Seriously, love.

Ma. Stay behind the rope, please.

What is this, a fanny convention?

Where's all the men? ALL: Yeah!

Ah, calm down, ladies.

Winnie's letting the men in the back door.

Oh, not for the first time, Winnie!

Oh, now you're pushing!

I'm first. Whatever's left they can share amongst themselves.

OK. Have your tickets ready for inspection - and your IDs.

That's my son.

He's a charmer, isn't he?

The number on the ticket is your table number.

Number one. Good girl. Thank you.

Thank you, son. There you go.

Ahem. Tickets, please.

I don't need a ticket. It's my bar.

Not tonight it's not.

If you don't have a ticket, stand back from the door, please.

Tickets. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Pint of cider, Cathy.

Would "please" be too much to ask?

Oh...make it snappy.

I'll get that, Cathy. You get out there and get yourself a man.

Agnes.

Oh, hello, Hillary.

I will never, ever set foot inside that salon for as long as I live.

Wait, now... It's about to start, maybe you should...

I have never, ever been so embarrassed.

Oh, come on. You must have been.

Just look at what they did to me!

I have never seen you looking so well!

Oh!

In a moment, the men will enter through that door

and take a seat at a table -

on hearing this sound...

BELL RINGS

..the men will then move to the next table

to begin the next date.

Do you understand the rules? ALL: Yes!

Now, are you ready? Yes!

Are you steady? Yes!

Dermot, if I don't see an army of penises

coming in that door very soon,

I will shove that microphone up your...

Let's get it on!

BELL RINGS

Dermot! Dermot, I don't have one.

Where's my date? I don't have a date.

Relax, Ma. He's coming.

FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, hello there.

Oh, hello!

Do be sitting down. Merci.

Oh... Bonjour, madame.

Oh...!

Je m'appelle Franc.

It's warm in here, isn't it?

Oh...

Winnie! Winnie!

He's French.

Get condoms.

Je m'appelly... Je m'appelly Agnes.

Or, as they say in French...

..Agnes.

BELL RINGS

No, no, no!

That was too short! No!

I have to go now. No, no, no, no. You stay where you are.

Dermot, stewards' inquiry.

That wasn't long enough.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

You stay where you are, love, and I'll make that decision for you.

We are moving on. No, no.

Dermot, stop the clock.

I want this one.

Mammy, you're making a scene.

Oh, Cathy, I want you to meet your new daddy.

He's going to call you Nicole, I want you to call him Papa.

Come, Franc.

Let me introduce myself.

No, no. Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Please let the men move swiftly to the next table, Mammy.

Ugh.

Oh, hey, Sharon.

I think the tables are all full.

Get up.

Up!

Well, hello there, acrobat.

Buy a girl a drink?

I'm not an acrobat.

Not yet, baby. Not yet.

Now, Agnes, I picked this one just for you.

You can feck off.

Buster, Buster.

Ring the bell.

Nope.

Hello. I'm Roger. What's your name?

Agnes.

Buster. Ring the fucking bell.

Hello. I'm Roger. What's your name?

OK, mine is broken.

Can we get him rebooted? Hello?!

Ring the fucking bell, Buster!

BELL RINGS

Oh, what a pity. It's all over.

How sad. Bye-bye.

Oh, that wasn't very long.

I've had births that felt shorter.

Mammy.

Go away, Cathy!

Mammy, Roger wants to ask you something.

What?

Can I get your number?

Oh, all right. Here.

Now fuck off.

Now, where's that French toast?

I want a nibble.

Hey! Hey!

Back off. Back off!

That's my one!

I wouldn't be able for all that dating shite.

No. If I had to start all over again, I'd just give up.

I'd live with my best friend. You.

Or Birdie.

What, Winnie?

Well, you two seemed to be all over each other.

I'm just trying to be nice to a new neighbour.

You should get to know her.

Birdie is fun, she's nice - and she's smart.

Well, I'm fun and I'm nice and I'm smart.

Oh, Winnie, don't exaggerate.

I'm only joking!

That was a waste of time.

Oh. I don't know, Cathy, there was a few men who left happy

with a phone number.

Yeah, all the same number -

Sharon's. Sharon's. Yeah!

I just popped in to say goodnight.

Goodnight, Birdie.

Did you see anything there to float your boat?

Oh, no. I'm done with men.

Seven sons. They keep me busy.

Seven sons?! Mm.

God, their father must be proud.

Fathers. What?

Seven fathers.

You're kidding me! No.

In the old neighbourhood,

they used to call me Seven Rides For Seven Brothers!

I'll see you tonight.

Hang on, Birdie. I'll walk you home.

Oh, I'd like that, Winnie.

Well, goodnight, then, Mammy.

Oh, you off to bed, Cathy?

Er, no.

One of the guys I met wanted me to go to a nightclub,

so I'm just going for an hour or so.

Oh, did I see him there at all?

Hello there.

Are you ready, ma cherie? Oh, just coming, Franc.

Night-night, Mammy.

Goodnight, madame.

Franc the planc.

He's too old for me, anyway.

Well, it's been a hell of a week.

Father Damien's date night was chaos,

but he raised 200 euro for charity -

and Sharon McGoogan's going to be very busy

for the next couple of weeks. So some good came out of it!

And despite all the trouble that Dermot caused for Barbara and Betty,

he got the contract.

Well, he's family.

Blood is thicker than water -

and nothing is thicker than Buster.

You know, Birdie is lovely...

..but she's not Winnie.

I'm sure Birdie's going to be a nice friend, but...

..Winnie is special.

Old friends are best.

And Winnie is my best friend.

And old.

Goodnight, Winnie.

And goodnight to you.

# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #