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This programme contains some strong
language
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Ladies and gentlemen...
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welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
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♪ She's Mrs Brown
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♪ That's Mrs Brown
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♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪
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So go on...
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Jacko says to the policeman
"I couldn't have been doing more
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"than 40, and, actually, after
the crossing we had to slow down.
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00:00:36,567 --> 00:00:38,486
"We were only doing about 30".
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I'd say we were only doing 20.
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00:00:40,405 --> 00:00:44,004
Jesus, hold on there, Winnie, before
you feckin' reverse into somebody.
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00:00:45,643 --> 00:00:48,802
Jaysus, that beer's gone
through me like the Eurostar.
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I'm going to have to
go to the toilet.
15
00:01:01,957 --> 00:01:04,476
Hello!
16
00:01:04,476 --> 00:01:07,955
You just missed one of
Winnie's Jacko stories.
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She has millions of them
and they're all about Jacko.
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Of course, they've
been married years.
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PHONE RINGS
Hello? Cathy!
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00:01:18,231 --> 00:01:20,270
Cathy, get that telephone!
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00:01:20,270 --> 00:01:24,669
Ah, Mammy, the phone is portable!
Well, I'm not buckin' portable.
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Now get the phone.
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00:01:25,868 --> 00:01:29,227
OK, Mammy.
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00:01:29,227 --> 00:01:33,385
You know, I've heard
Winnie's stories, oh,
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00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:37,264
a hundred times, but I listen
every time like it's the first time.
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00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,983
That's what friends do, isn't it?
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00:01:39,983 --> 00:01:46,300
Did I tell you that Jacko wants
to get a dog? No. Yeah, a Labrador.
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00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:50,779
Oh, Jesus don't let him get a
Labrador, half the people who
get them go feckin' blind!
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00:01:50,779 --> 00:01:52,818
Really? Yes!
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00:01:55,937 --> 00:02:00,455
Winnie, it's your Sharon on the
phone. What the hell does she want?
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00:02:00,455 --> 00:02:03,814
You can't even go round
the feckin' corner. Mammy!
32
00:02:03,814 --> 00:02:05,613
What? It's Mr McGoogan.
33
00:02:05,613 --> 00:02:08,812
Jacko? He's collapsed.
He's been taken into hospital.
34
00:02:08,812 --> 00:02:13,970
Oh, sweet little Jesus Christ,
Mother Mary, Joseph and the donkey
that took them all to Bethlehem!
35
00:02:16,009 --> 00:02:20,407
I've got to go to hospital, Agnes.
It's Jacko's gone in
with chest pains.
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00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:23,326
Cathy told me. You're not going on
your own, Winnie, I'll go with you.
37
00:02:23,326 --> 00:02:25,965
Mammy, I'll go over and stay
with Sharon. She's very upset.
38
00:02:25,965 --> 00:02:30,564
Winnie, you don't be worrying.
These things often turn out
to be worse than they look!
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00:02:33,203 --> 00:02:37,201
Hello? Hello?
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00:02:48,837 --> 00:02:49,876
SHE SPITS
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DOOR CLOSES
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Ah, hello. It's a little chipmunk!
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00:02:59,073 --> 00:03:02,392
Squirrel, Mammy, squirrel!
44
00:03:02,392 --> 00:03:05,110
So what are you promoting this week?
Chocolate bars.
45
00:03:05,110 --> 00:03:07,749
What has a hazelnut in every bite?
46
00:03:07,749 --> 00:03:11,548
Squirrel shit!
What's all this, love?
47
00:03:11,548 --> 00:03:14,427
Post and more stuff you
bought off the telly.
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00:03:14,427 --> 00:03:18,945
Me Shake Weight
and me bikini-wax treatment.
49
00:03:18,945 --> 00:03:20,944
And me hair teaser!
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00:03:20,944 --> 00:03:23,344
I wish you'd stop buying
that crap off the TV, Ma.
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00:03:23,344 --> 00:03:27,022
Crap? Dermot, this is
first-class merchandise.
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And not available in the shops.
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00:03:31,021 --> 00:03:32,660
Do you want a cup of tea, love?
Love one!
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Come on, nibble on me arse!
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00:03:39,058 --> 00:03:41,777
It's been a busy morning.
Well, love, you know,
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00:03:41,777 --> 00:03:44,016
you have to gather your nuts!
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00:03:45,535 --> 00:03:48,134
Nah, running around trying
to get things done for the wedding,
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00:03:48,134 --> 00:03:50,373
getting Buster measured for his
best man's suit.
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00:03:50,373 --> 00:03:52,253
Buster?
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Buster's going to be your best man?
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00:03:53,852 --> 00:03:57,171
Yeah. Buster Brady, that fecker? Yes!
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00:03:57,171 --> 00:03:59,330
I thought you might
have picked Mark.
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00:03:59,330 --> 00:04:02,209
I'd love to see my
two sons on the altar.
64
00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:05,048
Well, I wasn't best man at his
wedding. You were in prison, love.
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00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:09,006
Still...I'd like Buster.
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00:04:09,006 --> 00:04:10,526
Well, think about Mark.
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00:04:15,644 --> 00:04:17,683
Tell me this.
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00:04:17,683 --> 00:04:21,042
Have you consulted with Maria
on this 'Buster' decision?
69
00:04:21,042 --> 00:04:26,919
Nah! The bride picks the bridesmaids,
the groom picks the best man.
She won't mind.
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00:04:26,919 --> 00:04:29,798
He's me best friend, Mammy.
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00:04:29,798 --> 00:04:31,758
I'm sure you're right.
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00:04:31,758 --> 00:04:33,957
Morning! Want a cup of tea, love?
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00:04:33,957 --> 00:04:36,516
No, thanks. How's Winnie today?
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00:04:36,516 --> 00:04:39,115
Winnie's putting on a brave face,
but she's worried, I can tell.
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00:04:39,115 --> 00:04:42,474
Jacko needs a bypass. Of his heart.
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00:04:44,273 --> 00:04:46,512
Doctors said he could
be waiting a while...
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00:04:46,512 --> 00:04:48,111
five or six weeks, maybe a month.
78
00:04:50,950 --> 00:04:55,229
If she went private she could
have it tomorrow but Winnie
hasn't got that kind of money.
79
00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:58,427
That's disgraceful! Ah, that's
the way of the world, love.
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00:04:58,427 --> 00:05:00,986
One law for the poor and
one law for the rest of us.
81
00:05:03,306 --> 00:05:06,744
But who knows? Maybe me or Winnie
will win the jackpot at the bingo
82
00:05:06,744 --> 00:05:08,903
and then Jacko can have
his operation tomorrow.
83
00:05:08,903 --> 00:05:11,423
Or you might win the lottery!
84
00:05:11,423 --> 00:05:13,382
Now don't start me off, Cathy.
85
00:05:13,382 --> 00:05:18,060
If we win the lottery, you can
forget about the operation.
We're gettin' two new fuckin' men.
86
00:05:19,899 --> 00:05:23,378
I'll see you later, Mammy.
Good luck. You should
get back to work as well.
87
00:05:23,378 --> 00:05:26,457
I'm sure there's a few
trees you haven't been up!
88
00:05:26,457 --> 00:05:30,375
Nah, I'm hanging on. Buster wants a
chat so I told him to call up here.
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00:05:32,175 --> 00:05:34,734
Don't look at me like that.
I've gone straight!
90
00:05:37,453 --> 00:05:38,852
Hello, Mrs Brown.
91
00:05:44,370 --> 00:05:47,649
You, don't keep him too long.
He has a job to go to.
92
00:05:47,649 --> 00:05:49,208
I won't. Don't!
93
00:05:56,405 --> 00:05:58,485
Dermot, I'm going up
to make your bed.
94
00:05:58,485 --> 00:06:01,963
Will you stop stuffing them dirty
magazines under your mattress!
95
00:06:01,963 --> 00:06:05,002
It's nearly four-foot
thick at this stage.
96
00:06:06,522 --> 00:06:08,041
I only buy them for the articles.
97
00:06:08,041 --> 00:06:12,959
I only go to the supermarket
for the music! And you...
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00:06:12,959 --> 00:06:15,958
I'm keeping an eye on you...
99
00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:17,477
the good one!
100
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:23,795
Jaysus, why's your ma
giving me such a hard time?
101
00:06:23,795 --> 00:06:26,314
She thinks you want to drag me
into a scam of some sort.
102
00:06:26,314 --> 00:06:27,913
Give a dog a bad name, what?
103
00:06:27,913 --> 00:06:30,393
So, what do ya want me for?
I've a brilliant scam, Dermot!
104
00:06:31,912 --> 00:06:34,751
Buster, are you mad?
I've gone straight.
105
00:06:34,751 --> 00:06:37,990
Just take a look, Dermot.
It's a doddle!
106
00:06:37,990 --> 00:06:39,909
A raffle for the boxing club?
107
00:06:39,909 --> 00:06:43,827
One euro a ticket, I put on the
tickets "5,000 euro first prize".
108
00:06:43,827 --> 00:06:47,986
I tell the people that if they win,
I'll call them. Then nobody wins...
109
00:06:47,986 --> 00:06:50,545
except us! It's foolproof!
110
00:06:50,545 --> 00:06:56,703
Not bad, Buster! Now I only got
a hundred tickets printed
just to try it out and Dermot...
111
00:06:56,703 --> 00:06:58,342
I sold them all in an hour!
112
00:06:58,342 --> 00:07:00,861
I made eighty euro!
113
00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:07,418
That's only eighty tickets.
I know, yeah. Well, l
I bought two books meself.
114
00:07:10,697 --> 00:07:13,936
5,000 euro, Dermot, it's not
to be bleedin' sneezed at!
115
00:07:15,096 --> 00:07:18,094
But...there's no raffle.
Ah, shite, yeah!
116
00:07:21,453 --> 00:07:23,212
Tease the hair.
117
00:07:23,212 --> 00:07:26,411
Tease the feckin' hair.
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00:07:26,411 --> 00:07:29,090
Neh, neh, neh.
119
00:07:29,090 --> 00:07:31,649
How much did it cost to
get the tickets printed?
120
00:07:31,649 --> 00:07:34,128
90 euro.
121
00:07:34,128 --> 00:07:36,128
So you lost ten euro!
122
00:07:36,128 --> 00:07:39,006
Ah, this is a bleedin' rip off!
123
00:07:39,006 --> 00:07:41,685
I could do a few bob with
this wedding coming up.
124
00:07:41,685 --> 00:07:44,444
First of all we need to
get more tickets printed.
125
00:07:44,444 --> 00:07:46,244
More tickets! Thousands! Hundreds!
126
00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:52,082
Then we need to make it
something they've never
heard of, a club or something.
127
00:07:52,082 --> 00:07:56,040
The Dublin Home For Bewildered
Greyhounds And Whippets.
128
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,719
Nice one. Leave it with me.
I'd better get back to work.
129
00:08:26,029 --> 00:08:27,828
Jacko's just lying there.
130
00:08:27,828 --> 00:08:29,467
He's not moving a muscle.
131
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:34,186
It's a heart attack. He's hardly
going to doing the buckin' samba!
132
00:08:34,186 --> 00:08:36,984
Jesus, Winnie, he's not dead yet!
133
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:39,783
You have to take a more
positive outlook on this.
134
00:08:39,783 --> 00:08:43,182
Start to look for
the most positive outcome.
135
00:08:43,182 --> 00:08:46,381
Yeah. Jacko's a fighter.
He'll be fine. How's Jacko?
136
00:08:46,381 --> 00:08:48,460
He's fucked. What?
137
00:08:48,460 --> 00:08:50,099
I'm only joking, Winnie.
138
00:08:50,099 --> 00:08:51,299
MOUTHS
139
00:08:53,378 --> 00:08:56,497
Maria! Hiya.
140
00:08:56,497 --> 00:08:58,256
Hello, love. What has you here?
141
00:08:58,256 --> 00:09:00,296
I looked in on Jacko
before I left the hospital.
142
00:09:00,296 --> 00:09:03,135
He's sitting up and he's starting
to get colour back in his face.
143
00:09:03,135 --> 00:09:05,694
He looked good. Ah, they always
get a lift just before the end.
144
00:09:05,694 --> 00:09:08,333
Mammy!
145
00:09:08,333 --> 00:09:10,212
I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
146
00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:18,449
Sorry, are we keeping you?
Have you to go and meet
your invisible boyfriend?
147
00:09:18,449 --> 00:09:20,768
I'd like to meet him. We all would.
148
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:25,806
I'll never forget the night
I met your father, and don't
think I haven't fucking tried.
149
00:09:28,205 --> 00:09:31,564
That was at a party.
Sadie Brady's birthday.
150
00:09:31,564 --> 00:09:34,842
Right, Winnie. Oh, now
Sadie Brady... BOTH: Slapper.
151
00:09:36,402 --> 00:09:39,401
It didn't take long for her
private parts to go public.
152
00:09:39,401 --> 00:09:42,959
Her knickers were busier than
the escalator in Marks & Spencer's.
153
00:09:42,959 --> 00:09:46,038
Up, down, up, down.
154
00:09:46,038 --> 00:09:48,837
God, we arrived that night
dressed to the nines.
155
00:09:48,837 --> 00:09:51,076
We looked fantastic. Well, I did.
156
00:09:53,036 --> 00:09:55,874
We knocked at a door, we went in.
I never forget. What was it like?
157
00:09:55,874 --> 00:09:58,913
The place was hopping,
smoke everywhere, flashing lights.
158
00:09:58,913 --> 00:10:02,552
We were there three minutes before
we realised it was on fecking fire.
159
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:10,429
I looked across the room
and there he was.
160
00:10:10,429 --> 00:10:14,387
Your father, Redser Brown. He was
standing in a corner on his own.
161
00:10:14,387 --> 00:10:17,026
He was shy? No, he was getting sick.
162
00:10:17,026 --> 00:10:21,785
He arrived at the party drunk
and somebody said,
"What will you have to drink?"
163
00:10:21,785 --> 00:10:24,344
He said,
"Give me a pint of anything."
164
00:10:24,344 --> 00:10:26,383
They gave him bucking Windolene.
165
00:10:26,383 --> 00:10:31,661
What? Do you know,
there was a sparkle off his shite
for two weeks after that.
166
00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:37,179
And it didn't smear!
167
00:10:41,377 --> 00:10:43,576
Oh, God.
168
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,655
I took him home that night.
Oh, yes, I brought him home.
169
00:10:46,655 --> 00:10:49,054
It was lovely. His head was
just here on my shoulder.
170
00:10:49,054 --> 00:10:51,493
And I carried his legs.
171
00:10:55,212 --> 00:10:57,731
Listen, never mind me.
You married well. I did. She did.
172
00:10:57,731 --> 00:11:01,010
You should see the penis
on her Jacko. Agnes Brown!
173
00:11:01,010 --> 00:11:04,249
We used to go skinny dipping
on Portmarnock beach.
174
00:11:04,249 --> 00:11:07,247
We all lying there and Jacko
would come walking along the beach,
175
00:11:07,247 --> 00:11:09,287
dragging a big groove
in the sand behind him.
176
00:11:11,486 --> 00:11:15,764
Running into the water with his
surf board under his arm and
his penis under the other arm.
177
00:11:19,523 --> 00:11:21,642
It was love at first sight. Ah.
178
00:11:21,642 --> 00:11:23,881
What about your husband, Mrs Brown?
179
00:11:23,881 --> 00:11:27,000
What do you mean, Betty? Well,
when did you realise you loved him?
180
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,039
Oh, Jesus. Love?
181
00:11:29,039 --> 00:11:31,558
Five or six months after he died.
182
00:11:35,357 --> 00:11:38,436
Your father was
best man at our wedding.
183
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:40,755
Really? Yeah.
And Jacko was our best man.
184
00:11:40,755 --> 00:11:43,474
And that's the way it was.
185
00:11:43,474 --> 00:11:45,033
Just like Dermot and Buster.
186
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:46,752
I'm sorry?
187
00:11:46,752 --> 00:11:50,831
Dermot, he's having Buster
as his best man, apparently.
188
00:12:04,066 --> 00:12:08,144
Buster, I'm telling you,
if the dog sees you playing
with her ball she'll go mad.
189
00:12:11,543 --> 00:12:14,662
6,235 euro.
190
00:12:14,662 --> 00:12:16,941
Well, at least that's
the prize money covered.
191
00:12:18,820 --> 00:12:22,539
Buster there is NO raffle.
192
00:12:24,378 --> 00:12:26,217
You bought more tickets, didn't you?
193
00:12:28,577 --> 00:12:30,416
What do yeah take me for?
194
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,935
Yeah, two books.
195
00:12:32,935 --> 00:12:34,574
I'll give you your money back.
196
00:12:34,574 --> 00:12:38,213
No. It's all right.
I'll take my chances.
197
00:12:38,213 --> 00:12:40,572
BELL RINGS
198
00:12:40,572 --> 00:12:43,451
That's my boyfriend, Dermot.
Would you let him in?
199
00:12:47,369 --> 00:12:49,688
Hiya. He's here.
200
00:12:49,688 --> 00:12:52,407
OK. I'll be down in a minute.
201
00:12:52,407 --> 00:12:54,087
All right?
202
00:13:01,804 --> 00:13:04,123
So you're the boyfriend?
203
00:13:04,123 --> 00:13:06,402
I am, yeah.
204
00:13:06,402 --> 00:13:10,001
I can put this whole ball
in me mouth. Watch.
205
00:13:10,001 --> 00:13:12,200
Shut up, Buster.
206
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,239
Howyeh?
I'm Cathy's brother, Dermot.
207
00:13:14,239 --> 00:13:16,158
Oh, hello, Dermot. What's the name?
208
00:13:16,158 --> 00:13:17,958
My name is Michael. Michael.
209
00:13:17,958 --> 00:13:19,797
But the lads at
the station call me Mick.
210
00:13:24,435 --> 00:13:27,874
Station? Are you a fireman?
I'm a detective.
211
00:13:33,192 --> 00:13:35,111
I'm off, Cathy.
212
00:13:35,111 --> 00:13:36,631
What was that all about?
213
00:13:36,631 --> 00:13:39,630
I have absolutely no idea.
214
00:13:39,630 --> 00:13:41,989
Oh! You look great.
215
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,508
Thanks.
216
00:13:44,508 --> 00:13:47,387
Hello! We were just going.
217
00:13:47,387 --> 00:13:51,145
Well, hold your buckin' horses now.
218
00:13:51,145 --> 00:13:54,104
So, this is Slick Mick the Dick?
219
00:13:55,703 --> 00:13:57,543
This is Mick.
220
00:13:57,543 --> 00:14:00,582
This is me soon-to-be
sister-in-law, Maria. Hi.
221
00:14:00,582 --> 00:14:03,181
Hello. And this is Mammy.
Very nice to meet you.
222
00:14:03,181 --> 00:14:05,020
Oh, don't try your
fancy talk on me, son.
223
00:14:07,339 --> 00:14:10,298
Do you know that multiple
births run in our family?
224
00:14:10,298 --> 00:14:12,497
Yes, I had twins
and my sister had twins.
225
00:14:12,497 --> 00:14:17,055
Right, Mick, come on. We used
to call her Machine Gun Fanny.
Just go, Mick.
226
00:14:17,055 --> 00:14:19,454
I'm only telling you that
for your own sake, love,
227
00:14:19,454 --> 00:14:23,333
in case you're thinking of
getting your leg over her.
228
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:25,292
You'll be up to your neck in kids.
229
00:14:26,812 --> 00:14:28,411
He seems like a nice chap.
230
00:14:31,010 --> 00:14:33,889
Tea, Maria? Tia Maria!
231
00:14:37,288 --> 00:14:41,526
So, Maria, how are you feeling
with the wedding so close?
232
00:14:41,526 --> 00:14:46,084
Actually, I'm a bit nervous.
I was too. Nervous of the unknown.
233
00:14:46,084 --> 00:14:48,563
Ha-ha!
234
00:14:48,563 --> 00:14:53,961
But I can give you a heads-up.
About a week after the honeymoon,
he'll start looking for S-E-K-S.
235
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,159
A week?
Yes, a week. They rush at it.
236
00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:01,398
Don't fall into the trap.
237
00:15:01,398 --> 00:15:04,557
It starts the whole thing and
then he wants to play games.
238
00:15:04,557 --> 00:15:08,156
Charge of the Light Brigade
was the one I hated.
239
00:15:08,156 --> 00:15:12,074
He'd start one side of the
room, naked, and I'd stand
the other and he'd go, "Charge!"
240
00:15:14,833 --> 00:15:17,272
I missed him one night.
He went out the feckin' window!
241
00:15:22,710 --> 00:15:25,509
If you'd have seen my face
stuck on that door knob.
242
00:15:29,308 --> 00:15:31,947
What you need to do is you
need to know the signals.
243
00:15:31,947 --> 00:15:35,346
Signals? Signals. My favourite
position in bed was back-to-back.
244
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:40,943
The signal for that is poke, poke.
Poke, poke, poke. Poke, boy.
245
00:15:40,943 --> 00:15:43,782
It's like having Ken Doherty
behind you with no chalk on his cue.
246
00:15:43,782 --> 00:15:45,502
Mrs Brown, really,
you don't have to.
247
00:15:45,502 --> 00:15:48,461
No, you need to know this, love.
The other signal is not bad.
248
00:15:48,461 --> 00:15:52,059
It's when he starts brushing his
teeth and gargling in the bathroom.
249
00:15:52,059 --> 00:15:55,178
He's preparing himself. Ha-ha!
250
00:15:55,178 --> 00:15:58,897
I only have to hear...
GARGLES
251
00:15:58,897 --> 00:16:03,735
..and my nip...
No, really, I understand.
252
00:16:03,735 --> 00:16:07,333
Oh, OK. Hello, love.
253
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,293
Hiya.
254
00:16:13,611 --> 00:16:15,690
Would you like a cup of tea, love?
255
00:16:15,690 --> 00:16:18,729
Er, I don't know, Ma.
256
00:16:18,729 --> 00:16:21,168
Are you going to hang on?
257
00:16:21,168 --> 00:16:25,047
So, Dermot, have you decided who
your best man is going to be yet?
258
00:16:25,047 --> 00:16:27,446
Cocoa, cocoa? Yet?
259
00:16:27,446 --> 00:16:30,725
There was never any doubt about who
would be best man - my best friend.
260
00:16:30,725 --> 00:16:32,644
Buster Brady? Is right.
261
00:16:34,403 --> 00:16:37,882
Buster Brady is not going
to be best man at my wedding.
262
00:16:37,882 --> 00:16:39,561
Horlicks will calm everybody down.
263
00:16:39,561 --> 00:16:44,599
Well, that's funny, because he
is going to be best man at mine,
so I must be marrying someone else.
264
00:16:44,599 --> 00:16:46,718
Do, then.
265
00:16:46,718 --> 00:16:48,958
I can do it in a take-away cup.
266
00:16:48,958 --> 00:16:51,237
Maria!
DOOR SLAMS
267
00:16:51,237 --> 00:16:57,434
As Forrest Gump's mother would say,
there's an awful smell of
shrimp off that. What?
268
00:16:57,434 --> 00:16:59,913
Her in the film Brokeback Mountain.
269
00:16:59,913 --> 00:17:02,353
Never mind. Run, Forrest, run.
270
00:17:05,231 --> 00:17:07,151
I love Tom Selleck.
271
00:17:11,949 --> 00:17:15,747
Seven-letter word
meaning constipation.
272
00:17:15,747 --> 00:17:18,986
Starting in N and ending in N.
273
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:23,025
Ah! Nnnnnnn.
274
00:17:28,223 --> 00:17:30,582
Hello, Winnie.
275
00:17:30,582 --> 00:17:33,421
How are you, pet?
What brings you over?
276
00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:37,819
Just sitting over there
on my own, worrying.
277
00:17:37,819 --> 00:17:41,498
When you're sitting on your
own there's two things you
don't want, and one is worry.
278
00:17:41,498 --> 00:17:43,137
The other is feckin' Panorama.
279
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:51,374
Anyway, maybe one of us will win the
jackpot at the bingo then Jacko can
have his operation in the morning.
280
00:17:51,374 --> 00:17:55,132
Or the raffle. What fuckin' raffle?
281
00:17:55,132 --> 00:17:58,611
The Dublin Home For Bewildered
Greyhounds And Whippets.
282
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:02,330
5,000 euro first prize, Agnes.
283
00:18:02,330 --> 00:18:04,009
I bought ten books.
284
00:18:04,009 --> 00:18:05,968
Winnie, you feckin' eejit.
285
00:18:07,288 --> 00:18:08,927
Half them things are a scam.
286
00:18:08,927 --> 00:18:11,166
I had a fella here at Christmas
knocked at the door.
287
00:18:11,166 --> 00:18:13,605
Would I buy a ticket
for a raffle for orphans?
288
00:18:13,605 --> 00:18:16,085
With my luck I'd fuckin' win one.
289
00:18:19,443 --> 00:18:23,002
What you need is something
to take your mind off
the whole hospital thing.
290
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:25,161
And I have just the feckin' thing.
291
00:18:25,161 --> 00:18:28,080
What? Come on.
Wait till you see this.
292
00:18:29,919 --> 00:18:31,998
You can help me with
my bikini wax thing.
293
00:18:34,398 --> 00:18:36,677
You'd better do that upstairs
in the bathroom.
294
00:18:36,677 --> 00:18:39,156
No, no, Cathy is going to have
a bath. No, we'll do it here.
295
00:18:39,156 --> 00:18:41,155
Agnes, you can't do it here.
296
00:18:41,155 --> 00:18:42,714
Someone might walk in on you.
297
00:18:42,714 --> 00:18:47,433
You're right.
I'd look feckin' stupid.
298
00:18:47,433 --> 00:18:50,831
I've an idea. What? We'll do it
in the cupboard. Feck off, Agnes.
299
00:18:50,831 --> 00:18:54,830
Come on, Winnie, get into
the cupboard. For God's sake.
300
00:18:54,830 --> 00:18:56,349
It's only for the craic.
301
00:19:01,787 --> 00:19:03,866
It's dark in here.
302
00:19:03,866 --> 00:19:06,905
Jesus, Winnie! What?
I've no feeling in me left leg.
303
00:19:06,905 --> 00:19:08,904
That's MY leg, Agnes!
304
00:19:10,944 --> 00:19:12,703
This is feckin' ridiculous.
305
00:19:12,703 --> 00:19:14,342
Hold on, I've an idea.
306
00:19:14,342 --> 00:19:17,381
You take the instructions
and go out and read them out to me.
307
00:19:17,381 --> 00:19:21,260
Oh, that's better. In the light.
OK, love? Are you ready, pet?
308
00:19:21,260 --> 00:19:22,499
I'm ready whenever you are.
309
00:19:22,499 --> 00:19:25,858
"Expose the relevant area."
310
00:19:25,858 --> 00:19:28,297
What the feck does that mean?
311
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:30,576
Get your knickers down.
312
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,455
Ha-ha! No sooner said than done.
313
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:39,333
OK, go ahead, Winnie.
314
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:44,371
"Open the container and spread
the cold wax using the spatula."
315
00:19:46,570 --> 00:19:49,489
Oh, the smell!
316
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:52,968
Is the cold wax smelly?
I can't get the feckin' thing open.
317
00:19:56,246 --> 00:19:58,646
Hold on, I have it.
318
00:19:58,646 --> 00:20:00,645
I have it. All right.
319
00:20:00,645 --> 00:20:04,123
Jesus, it's freezing.
320
00:20:04,123 --> 00:20:06,243
OK, Winnie, I'm spread.
321
00:20:07,922 --> 00:20:14,240
"Remove the backing from
the sticky tape and apply
it firmly to the area."
322
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,279
SHE REMOVES THE BACKING
323
00:20:17,279 --> 00:20:21,477
Jesus, now I'm trying to go
around feckin' corners here.
324
00:20:21,477 --> 00:20:25,395
Argh, it's stuck to me arse!
325
00:20:25,395 --> 00:20:29,234
Are you all right, Agnes?
Hold on, hold on.
326
00:20:29,234 --> 00:20:31,153
OK, I have it. OK, now what?
327
00:20:31,153 --> 00:20:35,871
Now wait for three minutes
and pull the tape off briskly.
328
00:20:35,871 --> 00:20:38,830
That means fast. Yank it off.
329
00:20:38,830 --> 00:20:41,589
Winnie, I can't see
me feckin' watch.
330
00:20:41,589 --> 00:20:44,228
Well, count to 180. OK.
331
00:20:44,228 --> 00:20:49,466
(QUICKLY) One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven...
PHONE RINGS
332
00:20:49,466 --> 00:20:52,305
Hello, Mrs McGoogan.
333
00:20:52,305 --> 00:20:54,464
Dermot's not here, pet.
Come back later, love.
334
00:20:54,464 --> 00:20:57,463
I'm just leaving this here for him.
He told me to put it in
the cupboard.
335
00:20:57,463 --> 00:20:59,422
No, no! Put it in the kitchen, pet.
336
00:20:59,422 --> 00:21:00,942
Go on, put it in the kitchen.
337
00:21:03,741 --> 00:21:06,220
It's Buster. Close the door.
You're blowing the arse off me!
338
00:21:08,739 --> 00:21:11,258
Hiya, Winnie.
Who was that at the door? It was me.
339
00:21:11,258 --> 00:21:13,337
Are you delighted to see me?
340
00:21:13,337 --> 00:21:15,137
Oh, piss off, Buster.
341
00:21:16,136 --> 00:21:20,574
Winnie, where's Mammy?
She's not here, love. 73, 74, 75...
342
00:21:20,574 --> 00:21:22,254
She is. She's in there.
343
00:21:22,254 --> 00:21:26,292
No, she's not.
120... She was, but she not.
344
00:21:26,292 --> 00:21:29,331
154...155... That sounds
like her voice.
345
00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:30,851
It's not. Shut up, you.
346
00:21:30,851 --> 00:21:33,010
Winnie, where is she?
347
00:21:33,010 --> 00:21:38,208
178, 179, 180.
348
00:21:38,208 --> 00:21:39,607
RIPPING
349
00:21:41,127 --> 00:21:44,965
SCREAMING
350
00:22:27,469 --> 00:22:30,748
Are you all right, Mammy?
351
00:22:32,787 --> 00:22:36,466
No. I feel like there's a
hedgehog living in my knickers.
352
00:22:46,542 --> 00:22:49,581
Hello, Winnie. Go on in.
I'll follow you in.
353
00:22:58,017 --> 00:23:00,097
Little bastards.
354
00:23:10,293 --> 00:23:13,132
What's all this about?
PHONE RINGS
355
00:23:13,132 --> 00:23:14,811
You're about to see.
356
00:23:21,009 --> 00:23:24,887
Maria, thanks for coming over.
What's going on? That's
exactly what I was saying.
357
00:23:24,887 --> 00:23:27,766
What's wrong? Is Jacko all right?
Oh, Winnie, shut up.
358
00:23:27,766 --> 00:23:31,165
Not every bit of drama in
this series is about Jacko.
359
00:23:31,165 --> 00:23:32,444
Sorry.
360
00:23:32,444 --> 00:23:35,643
Maria, I want nothing more
than to make you happy.
361
00:23:35,643 --> 00:23:39,242
I've asked Mark to be my best man
362
00:23:39,242 --> 00:23:41,841
and he's agreed to do it. Yep.
363
00:23:41,841 --> 00:23:44,400
I'm proud to do it.
He'll be great at it as well.
364
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,839
I've spoken to Buster
and he has no problem with it.
365
00:23:47,839 --> 00:23:50,118
Well, what I said...
366
00:23:50,118 --> 00:23:53,236
Oh, Dermot, that's fantastic.
367
00:23:53,236 --> 00:23:55,196
No, no, hold on a minute.
368
00:23:55,196 --> 00:23:58,754
No, it's not fantastic.
Now just hold on there.
369
00:23:58,754 --> 00:24:02,353
Maria, I know you don't have the
highest opinion of this little shit.
370
00:24:04,792 --> 00:24:09,430
When you told your family that
you were marrying my son, what
was it your cousin Bethany said?
371
00:24:09,430 --> 00:24:10,990
She said,
372
00:24:10,990 --> 00:24:13,149
"You're not marrying
that scumbag, are you?"
373
00:24:13,149 --> 00:24:14,748
Exactly.
374
00:24:14,748 --> 00:24:19,826
And tell me, Maria, on the day
of the wedding what will that
cat-faced little bitch be doing?
375
00:24:19,826 --> 00:24:21,666
She's my bridesmaid.
376
00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:23,785
But she's my only cousin. Fine.
377
00:24:23,785 --> 00:24:25,424
That's your choice,
that makes it fine.
378
00:24:25,424 --> 00:24:30,062
Well, Dermot and Buster have been
best friends since their arses
were the size of shirt buttons.
379
00:24:32,622 --> 00:24:35,980
Best friends, Maria.
That has to count for something.
380
00:24:35,980 --> 00:24:39,819
If you're lucky, you'll marry your
best friend, just like Winnie did,
381
00:24:39,819 --> 00:24:43,337
and that's more important than
all the lovey-dovey stuff.
So here's the deal.
382
00:24:43,337 --> 00:24:46,296
If you've any sense of
loyalty about you at all,
383
00:24:46,296 --> 00:24:52,254
you'll simply ask Dermot who
he'd like to have by his side
384
00:24:52,254 --> 00:24:55,173
to witness the most important
decision of his life.
385
00:24:58,292 --> 00:25:02,130
Your mother's right, Dermot.
I'm sorry.
386
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:04,250
Who would you like as your best man?
387
00:25:06,769 --> 00:25:08,488
Mark...
388
00:25:08,488 --> 00:25:10,327
I'm sorry.
389
00:25:12,446 --> 00:25:13,966
Buster...
390
00:25:18,524 --> 00:25:20,963
..will you be my best man?
391
00:25:20,963 --> 00:25:23,122
I do.
392
00:25:26,401 --> 00:25:30,919
If you even dream about it,
you'll wake up and apologise!
393
00:25:30,919 --> 00:25:36,637
Well, that's that, then.
No, that's not that then.
There's more thats to that now.
394
00:25:36,637 --> 00:25:40,196
Winnie McGoogan, my dearest friend.
395
00:25:40,196 --> 00:25:44,114
Winnie, we've been together
through thick and thin. We have.
396
00:25:44,114 --> 00:25:45,714
I was always thin.
397
00:25:47,993 --> 00:25:53,151
Winnie, when my Redser lost
his job and we had no money,
you were there by my side.
398
00:25:53,151 --> 00:25:57,149
I was. And when Redser went in
to have his left leg removed,
399
00:25:57,149 --> 00:25:59,269
you were there by my side. True.
400
00:25:59,269 --> 00:26:01,908
And when they
took away his right leg,
401
00:26:01,908 --> 00:26:03,627
you were there right beside me.
402
00:26:03,627 --> 00:26:06,186
Yes. And the night Redser died,
403
00:26:06,186 --> 00:26:10,224
where were you? Tell them.
By your side, Agnes.
404
00:26:10,224 --> 00:26:12,224
By my side.
405
00:26:12,224 --> 00:26:14,063
Winnie, you're a fuckin' jinx.
406
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:24,099
But you're my best friend.
407
00:26:24,099 --> 00:26:28,298
Now, tell me, Winnie,
if Jacko had his operation in
the morning, how much would it cost?
408
00:26:28,298 --> 00:26:31,097
Jesus, Agnes, it's a lot
more than I could afford.
409
00:26:31,097 --> 00:26:32,656
Well, this could be your lucky day.
410
00:26:32,656 --> 00:26:37,014
Why? Dermot's found out the result
of the raffle. (Oh, Jesus.)
411
00:26:37,014 --> 00:26:39,173
I have?
412
00:26:39,173 --> 00:26:42,052
Yes, you have, Mr Dublin
Greyhound and WHIPPETS!
413
00:26:44,012 --> 00:26:46,571
So come on, son,
announce the result.
414
00:26:46,571 --> 00:26:50,169
Oh, yeah, the raffle. Yes,
the in-the-kitchen-in-the-red-box
raffle.
415
00:26:50,169 --> 00:26:53,488
The result is... Hang on a minute.
Let me get my tickets out.
416
00:27:02,485 --> 00:27:04,244
Fire away, Dermot.
417
00:27:04,244 --> 00:27:06,843
The winner of the 5,000 euro...
418
00:27:06,843 --> 00:27:10,042
And the 1,000 euro bonus. What!
419
00:27:13,001 --> 00:27:16,639
..and the 1,000 euro bonus
is Winnie McGoogan.
420
00:27:19,918 --> 00:27:21,877
You see, Winnie, I told you.
421
00:27:21,877 --> 00:27:24,316
Everything works out just
the way it was supposed to. Yes.
422
00:27:24,316 --> 00:27:29,314
You can buy us all a drink. I will.
Let's all get down to Foleys and
get this feckin' party started.
423
00:28:13,887 --> 00:28:14,927
Agnes.
424
00:28:19,325 --> 00:28:21,525
Jesus Christ, Winnie.
425
00:28:21,525 --> 00:28:27,003
You know you were saying about us
two marrying our best friends? Yes?
426
00:28:27,003 --> 00:28:30,441
Well, I didn't marry my best friend.
427
00:28:30,441 --> 00:28:33,400
I moved in beside her.
428
00:28:38,678 --> 00:28:40,237
I wonder who that fecking was.
429
00:28:44,156 --> 00:28:45,875
Goodnight, friends.
34772
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