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1
00:00:02,150 --> 00:00:07,870
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
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00:00:13,470 --> 00:00:15,190
Ladies and Gentlemen...
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00:00:15,190 --> 00:00:17,710
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
4
00:00:26,510 --> 00:00:29,390
Hello! Come in, come in!
5
00:00:29,390 --> 00:00:32,670
I'm just making some Brown Bread.
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00:00:32,670 --> 00:00:34,990
It's my mother's recipe.
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It's a secret!
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00:00:35,990 --> 00:00:37,870
THUMPING
9
00:00:37,870 --> 00:00:39,550
What do you want, Grandad?
10
00:00:39,550 --> 00:00:42,670
I'm too weak to get down the stairs.
Well, use the lift!
11
00:00:42,670 --> 00:00:46,990
I'm in the kitchen on the second
floor beside the swimming pool!
12
00:00:46,990 --> 00:00:48,990
PHONE RINGS
13
00:00:48,990 --> 00:00:51,270
Excuse me.
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00:00:51,270 --> 00:00:53,110
Mammy, mammy, mammy, mammy, mammy!
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00:00:53,110 --> 00:00:54,950
I'll get it... I'm sure it's Mick.
16
00:00:54,950 --> 00:00:56,830
Mick me arse!
17
00:00:56,830 --> 00:01:01,550
Now that's Mick,
the latest NEW boyfriend.
18
00:01:01,550 --> 00:01:03,910
I'm not even allowed
to answer me own phone now.
19
00:01:03,910 --> 00:01:06,470
I go to answer me phone
I get a feckin' rugby tackle...
20
00:01:07,990 --> 00:01:11,310
I don't get a rugby tackle
when I'm on me way down
to pay the feckin' bill!
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00:01:12,870 --> 00:01:15,350
Oh, yes, and
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00:01:15,350 --> 00:01:18,590
Mick is a secret. Mmm...
23
00:01:18,590 --> 00:01:20,990
he must be ugly!
24
00:01:20,990 --> 00:01:24,590
Oh, grow up, for God's sake!
Who is it, Cathy?
25
00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:26,910
It's a heavy breather.
I'm hanging up.
26
00:01:26,910 --> 00:01:30,670
Oh, no, don't... it might be your
Uncle Terry. His asthma is very bad.
27
00:01:30,670 --> 00:01:33,310
Oh! Hello?
28
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:35,950
Ye dirty bastard!
29
00:01:35,950 --> 00:01:39,350
What did he say?
"If you can guess what I have
in my hand, you can have it."
30
00:01:39,350 --> 00:01:40,990
Gimme the phone!
31
00:01:40,990 --> 00:01:44,510
Hello? If it fits in ONE hand
you can feckin' keep it!
32
00:01:46,030 --> 00:01:47,550
Hello?
33
00:01:47,550 --> 00:01:49,390
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
34
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:55,910
God, Mammy,
you're well able for them.
35
00:01:55,910 --> 00:01:58,710
I've no feckin' time for them.
36
00:01:58,710 --> 00:02:00,710
I had one of them
on two weeks ago...
37
00:02:00,710 --> 00:02:03,750
He said "If you come down to the
corner I'll show you me willy."
38
00:02:03,750 --> 00:02:05,990
Dirty bastard...
39
00:02:05,990 --> 00:02:08,790
Never feckin' turned up!
40
00:02:11,710 --> 00:02:15,870
All right Mammy? Hello, Rory,
do you want a cup of tea?
41
00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:17,790
No. Are you going into town?
42
00:02:17,790 --> 00:02:20,830
Yeah! Now, don't you go getting
some girl into trouble.
43
00:02:24,230 --> 00:02:25,230
I won't.
44
00:02:27,990 --> 00:02:30,070
How are you, Agnes? Hiya, Winnie.
45
00:02:30,070 --> 00:02:34,270
Are you putting the kettle on
or what? Hang on -
I'm not on feckin' wheels!
46
00:02:34,270 --> 00:02:36,230
Can you believe it, Agnes?
47
00:02:36,230 --> 00:02:37,750
Your Dermot getting married!
48
00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:40,750
I know, it's all very exciting.
49
00:02:40,750 --> 00:02:45,070
Of course this will be your first
WHITE wedding, won't it, Agnes?
50
00:02:47,630 --> 00:02:48,870
Meaning?
51
00:02:48,870 --> 00:02:53,390
Well, your Cathy was married
in a registry office in London,
and we all know how that ended.
52
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:55,430
Will you keep your
feckin' voice down?
53
00:02:55,430 --> 00:02:56,590
PHONE RINGS
54
00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:58,350
That's that dirty bastard again!
55
00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:01,510
Hello, Hornball.
56
00:03:03,110 --> 00:03:08,150
how would you like me to grab you by
the willy and swing you round the
room like a windmill?
57
00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:10,150
Aha... yes! Hold on, Mick.
58
00:03:10,150 --> 00:03:11,670
I'll get her for you.
59
00:03:12,550 --> 00:03:17,710
Cathy, Ca-Cathy, it's Mick,
it's Mick for you!
60
00:03:17,710 --> 00:03:19,870
Mammy!
I think we had a crossed line...
61
00:03:19,870 --> 00:03:21,830
there was voices and all...
62
00:03:21,830 --> 00:03:24,510
he must be in a train station.
63
00:03:24,510 --> 00:03:27,270
Hello, son! Aha...
64
00:03:27,270 --> 00:03:29,270
you looking for a light?
65
00:03:29,270 --> 00:03:31,590
Nice one, Mammy!
Hello, Mrs McGoogan!
66
00:03:31,590 --> 00:03:35,510
Hiya, Dermot son. Ah,
congratulations on your engagement.
67
00:03:35,510 --> 00:03:37,670
I'm delighted for yourself and Maria.
68
00:03:37,670 --> 00:03:40,190
You look tired, love.
I'll make you a cuppa tea.
69
00:03:40,190 --> 00:03:41,790
Why don't you lie down there
in the ashtray?
70
00:03:41,790 --> 00:03:43,590
THUMPING
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00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:46,550
What do you want, Grandad?
72
00:03:46,550 --> 00:03:49,590
Help me! I'm stuck in the lift!
73
00:03:51,750 --> 00:03:55,070
Cathy, are you still up there? Yes!
74
00:03:55,070 --> 00:03:57,590
No, you're not. I can fuckin'
see you standing there...
75
00:03:57,590 --> 00:04:00,150
she's standing there!
76
00:04:01,070 --> 00:04:05,070
Well, go into
your Grandad's bedroom and
get him out of the feckin' wardrobe.
77
00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:10,270
What's WRONG, Dermot?
78
00:04:10,270 --> 00:04:13,710
Mrs Nicholson is talking about
dropping in to see you. Oh, lovely!
79
00:04:13,710 --> 00:04:16,830
At last, I get to meet her!
She's very posh, Mammy.
80
00:04:16,830 --> 00:04:18,510
And so are we.
81
00:04:18,510 --> 00:04:20,510
We have a series on the BBC.
82
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,270
I don't think she has!
83
00:04:24,310 --> 00:04:27,710
Yeah, Mammy. Maria's parents
don't know what I do.
84
00:04:27,710 --> 00:04:31,590
I just told them I was in PR.
I don't think they'd like...
85
00:04:31,590 --> 00:04:32,950
this!
86
00:04:32,950 --> 00:04:34,270
Anti-smokers, are they?
87
00:04:34,270 --> 00:04:36,470
No. No buts!
88
00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:42,190
No, Mammy... me dressing up
in costumes.
89
00:04:42,190 --> 00:04:44,630
I'm sure Mrs Nicholson
is just like any mother.
90
00:04:44,630 --> 00:04:48,310
Once her daughter is happy, she
won't care what you feckin' do!
91
00:04:48,310 --> 00:04:52,790
Really, Dermot, don't you
be worrying about her.
When she leaves this house
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00:04:52,790 --> 00:04:57,310
she'll know that Maria is marrying
into the finest family in Finglas!
93
00:04:57,310 --> 00:05:01,790
And you're doing it the right way,
son, not like your brother Mark.
What was wrong with Mark's wedding?
94
00:05:01,790 --> 00:05:05,070
Well, Betty...
You know... it was a bit of a rush...
95
00:05:06,230 --> 00:05:10,950
She was pregnant! Oh, Winnie, drag
yourself in to the 26th century.
96
00:05:10,950 --> 00:05:13,590
So what? Look at them now.
97
00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:16,550
A lovely house in Finglas,
and a beautiful child in Bono,
98
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:19,110
and Mark and Betty are
as happy as happy can be.
99
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,910
Mark and Betty had a row.
She threw him out!
100
00:05:21,910 --> 00:05:23,950
Jesus - that the time?
Goodnight, Winnie. Come on!
101
00:05:23,950 --> 00:05:27,270
Jesus, Agnes,
I'm only after getting my tea!
102
00:05:27,270 --> 00:05:30,510
Mind you don't spill it
getting over the hedge! Goodnight!
103
00:05:32,910 --> 00:05:34,790
Is Mark still asleep?
104
00:05:34,790 --> 00:05:38,390
Yes. He was exhausted and upset
when he got here last night.
105
00:05:38,390 --> 00:05:42,270
I think we should put him on a
suicide watch. Will you stop, Rory?
106
00:05:42,270 --> 00:05:45,310
I took all the tablets out of
the first aid kit and hid them!
107
00:05:45,310 --> 00:05:48,230
The only thing that was in the first
aid kit was indigestion tablets!
108
00:05:48,230 --> 00:05:50,590
What did he want him to do...
shit himself to death?
109
00:05:53,190 --> 00:05:55,190
You can't do that, Cathy, can you?
110
00:05:56,270 --> 00:05:58,150
Goodbye, cruel world!
FARTING NOISE
111
00:06:01,030 --> 00:06:03,430
Well, at least my son
came home here.
112
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:05,630
My door is always open.
113
00:06:05,630 --> 00:06:08,070
That's the problem.
114
00:06:08,070 --> 00:06:11,670
I beg you pardon, Missy?
He's a married man, Mammy,
he shouldn't be coming here.
115
00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:15,110
Should he not?
Well, that's funny. You're married
and you're fuckin' here!
116
00:06:16,870 --> 00:06:21,750
Now look, when Mark Brown
gets down here,
we all pretend we know nothing.
117
00:06:21,750 --> 00:06:24,950
Jesus, that's him now.
Everybody hide!
118
00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:27,950
No, no, no!
Everybody just look normal.
119
00:06:31,630 --> 00:06:33,470
Hiya, Mark! Howyeh!
120
00:06:33,470 --> 00:06:35,790
Hiya Ma! Hello son...
121
00:06:35,790 --> 00:06:37,790
good morning! Morning!
122
00:06:37,790 --> 00:06:39,950
Sit down there in Mammy's chair!
123
00:06:39,950 --> 00:06:41,430
Come on!
124
00:06:43,710 --> 00:06:47,350
All right, Rory?
BURSTS INTO SOBS
125
00:06:54,350 --> 00:06:56,310
You all right? Yeah, grand.
126
00:06:56,310 --> 00:06:58,590
Do you wanna talk about it? No.
127
00:06:58,590 --> 00:07:01,710
It helps to talk about it, Mark.
Believe me, I know.
128
00:07:01,710 --> 00:07:03,790
Shut up, you. Leave the child alone!
129
00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,470
Right, I'm off to work.
130
00:07:05,470 --> 00:07:09,870
Right, see you later, love.
See you later, Ma. Bye, love.
131
00:07:09,870 --> 00:07:12,790
(Say goodbye, say goodbye! What?)
132
00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:14,550
All me sharp tools are missing!
133
00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:20,270
Rory Brown!
134
00:07:26,270 --> 00:07:29,110
It was for your own good, Marko!
135
00:07:29,110 --> 00:07:31,270
I'll see yous later!
136
00:07:31,270 --> 00:07:34,470
I'll see you... I'll see you,
love... Have a nice day at work now!
137
00:07:38,110 --> 00:07:39,950
Ya feckin' eejit!
138
00:07:52,990 --> 00:07:55,430
DOORBELL RINGS
139
00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:02,790
Look at you! Diet Coke break!
140
00:08:05,830 --> 00:08:06,790
Yes?
141
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:10,510
Hello, Agnes darling!
Hillary Nicholson!
142
00:08:10,510 --> 00:08:14,030
What? Maria's mother! Oh, of course!
143
00:08:14,030 --> 00:08:20,190
I was in the area, and I just
thought I'd pop in for a pre-nuptial
chat, as it were. Come in, come in!
144
00:08:20,190 --> 00:08:22,870
Oh, thank you. Oh, bad leg?
145
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:26,630
Yes, I injured it a couple
of weeks ago - skiing accident.
146
00:08:26,630 --> 00:08:27,990
I was on the piste.
147
00:08:27,990 --> 00:08:31,270
Drink - will we ever feckin' learn?
148
00:08:35,910 --> 00:08:37,390
Give me that!
149
00:08:38,750 --> 00:08:40,910
Would you like a cushion
for that foot?
150
00:08:40,910 --> 00:08:46,190
Oh, no, no, actually it's not sore
and this comes off tomorrow. Oh!
151
00:08:46,190 --> 00:08:48,550
Oh, wallpaper!
152
00:08:48,550 --> 00:08:51,230
Oh, how very...eighties!
153
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:54,630
Well, the paper went up in '84, but
the border didn't go up till '92.
154
00:08:57,350 --> 00:08:59,270
Oh, I see.
155
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:00,830
Hillary... what's your maiden name?
156
00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:05,470
Sheridan. I knew I knew your face,
John Sheridan, the clerk
of St Jarleth's Church...
157
00:09:05,470 --> 00:09:07,470
he was your father? That's right.
158
00:09:07,470 --> 00:09:09,830
Yeah. Nice man. Thank you...
159
00:09:09,830 --> 00:09:11,350
now where was I?
160
00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:13,550
Oh, yes, Maria's wedding.
161
00:09:13,550 --> 00:09:17,950
And Dermot's.
She's not marrying herself!
162
00:09:17,950 --> 00:09:22,670
Yes, of course. I just
wanted to have a little chat...
163
00:09:22,670 --> 00:09:24,990
make sure we don't clash on the day.
164
00:09:24,990 --> 00:09:26,710
You and me clash? Not at all.
165
00:09:26,710 --> 00:09:28,590
You keep your fuckin' mouth shut,
we'll be grand.
166
00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:30,030
DOOR CLOSES
167
00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:36,110
Betty? Betty?
168
00:09:36,670 --> 00:09:39,790
What do you want?
Is my husband here?
169
00:09:39,790 --> 00:09:41,510
Betty, I wish you'd use his name.
170
00:09:41,510 --> 00:09:43,510
Mark... Ma-ha-hark..
171
00:09:43,510 --> 00:09:47,150
I didn't go through
a hundred hours of labour
and then forget to name him.
172
00:09:47,150 --> 00:09:50,830
Nobody is in labour for a hundred
hours, not even Agnes Brown.
173
00:09:50,830 --> 00:09:55,990
I'll have you know, I was so
long in labour on that child,
they had to shave me twice!
174
00:09:55,990 --> 00:09:57,990
Well, that's when he was your son.
175
00:09:57,990 --> 00:10:00,910
He's my husband now.
176
00:10:00,910 --> 00:10:04,470
He was my son for a long time
before he was your husband.
177
00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:08,070
So is he here or not?
No, but he'll be home shortly,
for a decent bit of dinner.
178
00:10:08,070 --> 00:10:13,430
Cook him as many dinners as you like,
but you tell him if it's a
wife he wants, he'd better call ME!
179
00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:17,590
A wife? Don't make me laugh.
It's a wife my son needs...
180
00:10:17,590 --> 00:10:19,230
not a fuckin' sample!
181
00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:26,950
Hello!
182
00:10:26,950 --> 00:10:31,910
Um, I think I'll just
slip out the back way.
183
00:10:37,590 --> 00:10:38,670
Hello?
184
00:10:42,790 --> 00:10:44,030
Wait a minute!
185
00:10:44,030 --> 00:10:45,790
I bookin' live here!
186
00:10:45,790 --> 00:10:47,510
Go on, out... OUT!
187
00:10:50,190 --> 00:10:54,150
When are you going to realise your
sons are grown men and stop
treating them like children?
188
00:10:54,150 --> 00:10:57,230
As soon as they can find
themselves a woman that's
good enough to replace ME.
189
00:10:57,230 --> 00:10:59,390
You are one bitch!
190
00:10:59,390 --> 00:11:02,030
Look at me, I'm bookin' shakin'.
191
00:11:02,030 --> 00:11:04,270
Wagon! Baggy arse!
192
00:11:04,270 --> 00:11:06,390
Ah, shag off!
193
00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:09,230
You watch your fuckin' language
in my house!
194
00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:14,350
And we all know your hair
is fuckin' dyed.
195
00:11:16,310 --> 00:11:18,030
I thought that went well!
196
00:11:19,150 --> 00:11:23,030
So Hillary... You were saying?
Ah, yes, yes.
197
00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:26,790
Clothes for the wedding, Agnes,
I was talking about clothes!
198
00:11:26,790 --> 00:11:32,070
Clothes? Exactly. I wouldn't
want us to be dressed alike!
199
00:11:32,070 --> 00:11:33,710
Neither would fuckin' I.
200
00:11:38,830 --> 00:11:40,910
Jesus, Grandad, come on.
201
00:11:40,910 --> 00:11:43,750
Let's get you upstairs.
202
00:11:44,110 --> 00:11:47,030
Why don't I make the two of us
a nice cup of tea
and we can discuss it?
203
00:11:47,030 --> 00:11:51,470
you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Am I right, am I right?
204
00:11:51,470 --> 00:11:53,190
Tea? Cup of tea?
205
00:11:57,110 --> 00:11:59,590
Er, yes, yes... No, no.
206
00:11:59,590 --> 00:12:04,790
Um, look, my outfit for the wedding.
I've had it put by at Harvey Nicks.
207
00:12:04,790 --> 00:12:07,550
You're hardly likely
to be shopping there, are you?
208
00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:10,870
No. But I have got me eye
on a beautiful suit.
209
00:12:10,870 --> 00:12:12,670
I seen it in the window
of Marcelle's Boutique!
210
00:12:12,670 --> 00:12:16,870
Marcelle's? Oh, well, you'd
need a mortgage to shop there.
211
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:20,950
Oh, then it'll probably
be San Michelle!
212
00:12:20,950 --> 00:12:25,110
Oh, St Michael.
Oh, Agnes, you are so funny!
213
00:12:25,110 --> 00:12:27,390
Amn't I... fuckin' hilarious.
214
00:12:27,390 --> 00:12:29,030
Well, I mustn't keep you.
215
00:12:29,030 --> 00:12:30,950
I need to get to the gym,
make some appointments...
216
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,990
as soon as this is off,
I'm getting back into shape.
217
00:12:33,990 --> 00:12:36,350
What shape are you going for...
Balloon, is it?
218
00:12:37,950 --> 00:12:40,390
You might like
to visit the gym yourself.
219
00:12:40,390 --> 00:12:42,990
I will, when they start
playing feckin' bingo there.
220
00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:46,630
I'll get you a cup of tea... Oh, no.
221
00:12:46,630 --> 00:12:51,070
I'll get you a cuppa tea!
222
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:55,670
Oh, and Hillary,
thank you very much for the heads up
about the clothes for the wedding.
223
00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:57,870
Yes, OK!
224
00:12:57,870 --> 00:12:59,990
Just steer clear of silver.
225
00:12:59,990 --> 00:13:01,670
Silver - you're wearing silver?
226
00:13:01,670 --> 00:13:03,630
Yes.
227
00:13:03,630 --> 00:13:06,870
She's wearing fuckin' silver.
228
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,950
She must be coming as RoboCop!
229
00:13:18,430 --> 00:13:20,950
Was that not the door?
I didn't hear it.
230
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:22,630
Are you expecting somebody?
231
00:13:22,630 --> 00:13:25,750
No, I just thought I heard the door.
232
00:13:26,110 --> 00:13:27,550
Oh, a sample!
233
00:13:44,830 --> 00:13:45,910
I need a size six.
234
00:14:01,390 --> 00:14:06,230
Well, hello... if it isn't
Cathy's little secret! I'm sorry?
235
00:14:06,230 --> 00:14:09,070
Come in. She's not ready yet
but she'll be down in a minute.
236
00:14:09,070 --> 00:14:12,030
That's very kind, thank you!
237
00:14:12,030 --> 00:14:14,030
Oh, sit down, sit down...
238
00:14:16,110 --> 00:14:18,470
I'm Cathy's mother... Agnes. Hi!
239
00:14:21,430 --> 00:14:23,510
Nice to meet you!
240
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:28,390
So tell me a little about yourself?
Me? There's very little to tell.
241
00:14:28,390 --> 00:14:30,470
Well... where are you from? Wicklow.
242
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,510
Right...
243
00:14:32,510 --> 00:14:35,430
And brothers and sisters?
No. I'm an only child. Aw!
244
00:14:35,430 --> 00:14:38,550
Did Daddy have a low sperm count?
245
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:45,230
I'm sorry? Now look...
246
00:14:45,230 --> 00:14:50,030
I won't beat around the bush.
Are you sleeping with my daughter?
Nooooh!
247
00:14:50,030 --> 00:14:52,950
Get a feckin' move on -
she won't hang around forever.
248
00:14:52,950 --> 00:14:55,590
She likes a bit of...
you know... pumpy, pumpy!
249
00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:58,350
All right, Mammy! Hello love. Hello.
250
00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:05,830
Excuse me a second.
251
00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:09,190
Cathy, don't be so
feckin' bad mannered!
252
00:15:09,190 --> 00:15:13,990
What? You just walked past him
like he was a perfect stranger! Who?
Mick, your boyfriend!
253
00:15:13,990 --> 00:15:15,830
That's not Mick.
254
00:15:15,830 --> 00:15:18,110
What?
255
00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:26,390
That man in there
is not my boyfriend.
256
00:15:26,390 --> 00:15:30,390
Well, who is he, then? I don't know.
You're the one
that's talking to him.
257
00:15:39,670 --> 00:15:41,030
Excuse me a second.
258
00:15:41,670 --> 00:15:43,870
Cathy... get rid of him!
259
00:15:43,870 --> 00:15:46,470
He is YOUR problem.
You get rid of him!
260
00:15:49,390 --> 00:15:52,470
I'm sorry about that...
there's been a mistake - yeah.
261
00:15:52,470 --> 00:15:56,230
See, you were supposed to be Mick...
you know... and you're not Mick...
262
00:15:56,230 --> 00:15:59,430
And you've no sperms.
Now look... wha...
263
00:15:59,430 --> 00:16:01,430
it's...
264
00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:03,670
my...get out!
265
00:16:03,670 --> 00:16:05,390
I'm sorry?
266
00:16:05,390 --> 00:16:09,110
Come on... out! Go on... get out,
out, out, out, out...
267
00:16:10,310 --> 00:16:11,590
OUT!
268
00:16:11,590 --> 00:16:15,550
Wait... now,
For just one euro a week. Son... Go!
269
00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:17,510
Have you thought
about life insurance?
270
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:20,630
No... but I'd go for another kiss!
No, thank you,
271
00:16:24,990 --> 00:16:29,390
"You should visit the gym yourself,"
she says. YOU in a gym.
272
00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:31,270
Yeah... well I used to do all that!
273
00:16:31,270 --> 00:16:34,270
Did yeah? Oh, Jeez, yes.
I used to do the...
274
00:16:35,990 --> 00:16:38,310
I could tell you stories.
275
00:16:38,310 --> 00:16:41,350
I remember I went to a
Turkish Bath once in Dame Street.
276
00:16:41,350 --> 00:16:44,070
I was never so embarrassed
in me life.
277
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:48,150
Why? I went in and it was
all steam everywhere,
so I took off all me clothes.
278
00:16:48,150 --> 00:16:51,790
I'm there in me nude
and when the steam cleared,
I was in a fuckin' chip shop!
279
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,470
Do you want salt
and vinegar on that?
280
00:17:01,070 --> 00:17:03,630
Same again, Pet?
Yes, it's about time!
281
00:17:06,070 --> 00:17:09,310
Have you got a minute, Mammy?
Yes, all the time in the world
for you chicken honey.
282
00:17:09,310 --> 00:17:11,470
What is it, love? Mammy...
283
00:17:11,470 --> 00:17:16,550
Have you ever wondered WHY
I never wanted to play
for Mark's football team?
284
00:17:16,550 --> 00:17:18,270
I know why, love.
285
00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:22,070
You do? I've known for years.
I just couldn't say anything to you.
286
00:17:22,070 --> 00:17:23,390
You're shite!
287
00:17:26,030 --> 00:17:29,070
You're good at some things,
but football isn't one of them.
288
00:17:29,070 --> 00:17:31,590
Mammy, you never listen to me!
289
00:17:31,590 --> 00:17:34,230
Rory, you can't even do
a feckin' headier!
290
00:17:35,790 --> 00:17:38,550
There you go, pet! Thanks, Winnie.
291
00:17:38,550 --> 00:17:40,350
Jaysus.
292
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:43,430
she hasn't wasted much time! Who?
293
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,230
Your Mark's Betty. Look!
294
00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:51,910
Don't be jumping to conclusions.
295
00:17:51,910 --> 00:17:53,750
It could be perfectly innocent.
296
00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:56,710
Remember before we were married
and you accused me of
going off with your Jacko?
297
00:17:56,710 --> 00:18:02,630
Well, you told Esther Cowan that
my Jacko had a scar on his willy!
298
00:18:02,630 --> 00:18:04,030
I did NOT say that.
299
00:18:04,030 --> 00:18:06,230
I said it FELT like a scar!
300
00:18:06,230 --> 00:18:08,430
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
301
00:18:13,830 --> 00:18:16,230
This could be more serious
than I thought.
302
00:18:19,070 --> 00:18:20,110
Oh, now!
303
00:18:20,110 --> 00:18:23,150
Wouldn't you love to be her.
Who? Sarah Le Pippalyn!
304
00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:26,270
Who? Sarah Le Pippalyn.
305
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:28,950
She was laid by 5,000 men.
306
00:18:28,950 --> 00:18:30,790
Show me that?
307
00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:36,790
Mammy, that's SAHARA PIPELINE!
308
00:18:42,750 --> 00:18:46,070
Mammy, what the hell happened
here with Mrs Nicholson?
309
00:18:46,070 --> 00:18:48,470
Nothing. She seemed fine when
she was leaving here! What's up?
310
00:18:48,470 --> 00:18:52,430
Maria's mother! She's now talking
about having the wedding in Italy.
311
00:18:52,430 --> 00:18:55,630
We couldn't afford to go
to the Italy for a wedding!
312
00:18:55,630 --> 00:18:58,270
That's the point. She doesn't
want the Browns there.
313
00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:00,950
You've made things worse! Look.
314
00:19:00,950 --> 00:19:03,030
Don't you be worrying, son.
315
00:19:03,030 --> 00:19:07,350
She'll come round, once she
calms down. Everything will work
out how it was supposed to.
316
00:19:07,350 --> 00:19:11,950
It always does!
And Mark, Betty called here
the other day looking for you.
317
00:19:11,950 --> 00:19:13,950
Did she? You should talk to her.
318
00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:18,070
Ma, just leave it, will you?
No, I just won't leave it.
What's going on?
319
00:19:18,070 --> 00:19:20,710
I don't want to talk about it!
Fine.
320
00:19:22,230 --> 00:19:26,470
Fine. Well, if a man can't
talk to his own mother!
321
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:28,750
Yes?
322
00:19:31,230 --> 00:19:33,310
I was offered a promotion in work.
323
00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:35,750
A promotion? A promotion to what?
324
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:37,910
Supervisor. Ah.
325
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:40,590
Not an ordinary visor!
326
00:19:43,230 --> 00:19:46,190
"Mark Brown: Supervisor"!
I turned it down.
327
00:19:46,190 --> 00:19:48,950
"Turned it down..."
You feckin' turned it down?!
328
00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:53,190
Well, what did Betty say about that?
That's the thing. I didn't tell her
before I turned it down.
329
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:55,590
For God's sake, Mark.
330
00:19:55,590 --> 00:19:58,870
No wonder she's fighting with you!
You can't do that, son.
331
00:19:58,870 --> 00:20:01,550
You're a married man.
It's not all just about you now.
332
00:20:01,550 --> 00:20:05,310
It's a team. You have to t...
333
00:20:07,030 --> 00:20:09,350
Can I help you?
334
00:20:09,430 --> 00:20:11,950
Well, mind your own business!
335
00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:16,070
We'll talk later.
336
00:20:17,590 --> 00:20:19,590
You and me. Talk later!
337
00:20:22,110 --> 00:20:24,950
Walls. Fuckin' ears!
338
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:27,670
So then, Rory.
339
00:20:27,670 --> 00:20:30,670
Decided to stay on your tools?
340
00:20:30,670 --> 00:20:31,750
Rory?
341
00:20:31,750 --> 00:20:34,750
Rory? I don't think his name
is Rory!
342
00:20:34,750 --> 00:20:40,070
Him Mark. Me Agnes. You Dermot.
343
00:20:40,070 --> 00:20:44,630
Not Rory. Would you like
another go at it, son?
344
00:20:44,630 --> 00:20:46,710
MIMICS TAPE REWINDING
345
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:50,150
APPLAUSE
346
00:20:50,150 --> 00:20:53,990
So then, Mark. Decided
to stay with your tools?
347
00:20:53,990 --> 00:20:58,230
Yeah!
CLAPPING
348
00:21:01,830 --> 00:21:06,710
Mark the chippy,
always one of the lads!
349
00:21:06,710 --> 00:21:08,230
At least I'm not a thief.
350
00:21:08,230 --> 00:21:11,230
You're the brightest in the whole
family. You could be anything!
351
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:13,670
Brighter than you?
I can't read, Dermot.
352
00:21:13,670 --> 00:21:16,550
And I can't write.
353
00:21:16,550 --> 00:21:19,670
That's why I turned down the
promotion - PAPER work!
354
00:21:19,670 --> 00:21:20,470
Does Betty know?
355
00:21:20,470 --> 00:21:23,510
No. How could she NOT know?
Because you hide it, Dermot.
356
00:21:23,510 --> 00:21:28,830
I can read me name, or the labels on
things I use a lot, but paperwork?
357
00:21:28,830 --> 00:21:30,350
No way!
358
00:21:32,830 --> 00:21:36,390
Betty? What's up? Is Bono all right?
Well, look who it is.
359
00:21:36,390 --> 00:21:38,510
What's wrong - no date tonight?
360
00:21:38,510 --> 00:21:41,110
Bono's fine.
except that he's missing his father.
361
00:21:41,110 --> 00:21:43,270
Tell him about the man you
were with in Foley's last night!
362
00:21:43,270 --> 00:21:48,390
He's a teacher! Yeah,
what's he teach? The Kama Sutra?
363
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:50,430
Ma, shut up!
364
00:21:50,430 --> 00:21:52,750
What were you doing with a teacher?
365
00:21:52,750 --> 00:21:56,430
He's looking for a part-time cleaner,
and I've taken the job
366
00:21:56,430 --> 00:21:58,710
and in return he's going to
teach YOU to read and write!
367
00:21:58,710 --> 00:22:00,750
Read and write? You knew?
368
00:22:00,750 --> 00:22:03,510
Of course I knew! Knew what?
369
00:22:03,510 --> 00:22:06,430
Now come on Mark, come home.
370
00:22:06,430 --> 00:22:10,150
Please.
See ya, Ma! What did she know?
371
00:22:10,150 --> 00:22:12,910
Know what?
372
00:22:12,910 --> 00:22:15,470
Dermot, what did she know?
373
00:22:15,470 --> 00:22:18,190
I'll see you, Ma.
I'm going for a smoke.
374
00:22:26,790 --> 00:22:30,350
Well, I'm glad
I sorted all that out.
375
00:22:33,630 --> 00:22:35,870
SHE SOBS
376
00:22:38,270 --> 00:22:41,430
Mammy? You're very early.
377
00:22:41,430 --> 00:22:44,190
I've a fucking whole line to do!
Of course you do!
378
00:22:50,750 --> 00:22:52,270
SHE SOBS
379
00:23:02,150 --> 00:23:03,430
Wah-ha-ha!
380
00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:12,390
Once, that's all I ask - just once
I'd like us to be fuckin' normal!
381
00:23:16,310 --> 00:23:17,830
Mammy? Hello, son!
382
00:23:20,710 --> 00:23:22,230
Is everything all right? No.
383
00:23:22,230 --> 00:23:25,710
I've made a balls of the
whole lot. No, you haven't.
384
00:23:25,710 --> 00:23:27,190
YES I HAVE!
385
00:23:27,190 --> 00:23:30,870
Trevor is gone on the missions
because he can't get
far enough away from me.
386
00:23:30,870 --> 00:23:32,870
I've ruined Dermot's wedding.
387
00:23:32,870 --> 00:23:34,390
I don't know
what's wrong with Rory.
388
00:23:34,390 --> 00:23:36,630
He says I won't listen to him.
389
00:23:36,630 --> 00:23:38,990
Mammy! Not now, Rory,
for fuck's sake!
390
00:23:42,230 --> 00:23:44,830
And you.
391
00:23:44,830 --> 00:23:47,550
I never gave you a chance
after your divorce, did I?
392
00:23:47,550 --> 00:23:50,630
And he was beating you, wasn't he?
393
00:23:50,990 --> 00:23:56,350
And you know, Cathy, when your
father died I was so busy just
trying to keep it all together,
394
00:23:56,350 --> 00:24:00,270
that I never even bothered
to make sure Mark could
read and write.
395
00:24:02,670 --> 00:24:04,630
I'm a gobshite!
396
00:24:06,990 --> 00:24:08,550
Yeah. You are.
397
00:24:08,550 --> 00:24:11,230
I beg your fuckin' pardon?
398
00:24:11,230 --> 00:24:14,590
You're a gobshite, Mammy, because
you can't see what you HAVE done!
399
00:24:14,590 --> 00:24:17,150
Now don't plamause me!
400
00:24:17,150 --> 00:24:21,590
Mark left school when he was 12, sure
enough, but he was there
for eight years
401
00:24:21,590 --> 00:24:25,310
and he never missed a
single day! Not one day!
402
00:24:25,310 --> 00:24:29,950
Now, if a school can't teach a child
to read and write in eight years,
403
00:24:29,950 --> 00:24:33,550
well, that's the teachers' fault,
Mammy. It's not yours.
404
00:24:34,590 --> 00:24:35,870
The bastards!
405
00:24:42,630 --> 00:24:44,670
Mammy. What?
406
00:24:44,670 --> 00:24:48,670
Trevor is on the missions,
because he has a kind heart,
407
00:24:48,670 --> 00:24:51,030
which he got from you.
408
00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:56,830
Rory knows what he
wants to tell you.
409
00:24:56,830 --> 00:24:59,150
He's just afraid of hurting you.
410
00:24:59,150 --> 00:25:02,790
Don't be ridiculous.
Rory couldn't hurt me.
411
00:25:02,790 --> 00:25:04,350
He's one of my boys!
412
00:25:05,870 --> 00:25:09,190
And me, Mammy. Go on.
413
00:25:09,190 --> 00:25:14,710
Mammy, I'm just like you! If you
don't like something - change it.
414
00:25:14,710 --> 00:25:16,670
You taught me that.
415
00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:26,230
So you see, Mammy.
you did a good job. Dermot! What?
416
00:25:26,230 --> 00:25:29,270
Dermot, you forgot all about Dermot.
I didn't forget him.
You forgot Dermot!
417
00:25:29,270 --> 00:25:34,630
I did not forget him, Mammy.
I just couldn't think of
anything nice to say about him.
418
00:25:34,630 --> 00:25:37,830
LAUGHTER
419
00:25:38,630 --> 00:25:41,230
Well, go on.
420
00:25:41,230 --> 00:25:45,230
You tell me something nice
about Dermot.
421
00:25:45,230 --> 00:25:46,910
Well?
422
00:25:48,710 --> 00:25:50,510
He makes me laugh!
423
00:25:52,430 --> 00:25:59,790
I know it's not a big thing
but Jesus Christ,
he always makes me laugh!
424
00:26:01,430 --> 00:26:03,510
Come here, Mammy!
425
00:26:03,510 --> 00:26:06,590
Oh, don't start that shit now!
426
00:26:09,270 --> 00:26:11,830
I'm going to have to feckin'
toughen you up!
427
00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:15,910
Cathy!
428
00:26:15,910 --> 00:26:17,750
I'd be lost without you.
429
00:26:17,750 --> 00:26:19,590
This last couple of days.
430
00:26:22,470 --> 00:26:23,990
Goodnight, Mammy!
431
00:26:29,390 --> 00:26:32,630
Wait a minute. I haven't
got fuckin' Venetian blinds.
432
00:26:38,150 --> 00:26:39,910
DOORBELL RINGS
433
00:26:43,430 --> 00:26:47,030
Oh, Hillary,
thanks very much for coming over!
434
00:26:47,030 --> 00:26:49,150
Ah, I didn't say come in.
435
00:26:50,670 --> 00:26:55,270
I just wanted you to know that
I think your choice of the Ritz
Crown Hotel is a wonderful choice.
436
00:26:55,270 --> 00:26:59,350
Well, actually, we are thinking
of moving it to Italy.
437
00:26:59,350 --> 00:27:04,150
Yes, whatever happened to the church
fund the year your father
was in charge of it?
438
00:27:04,150 --> 00:27:05,710
Did they ever find out?
439
00:27:06,710 --> 00:27:11,430
I always liked the Ritz Crown Hotel.
Me too!
440
00:27:11,430 --> 00:27:14,230
You take care now. Arrivederci!
441
00:27:16,830 --> 00:27:18,630
APPLAUSE
442
00:27:19,790 --> 00:27:22,990
Everyone has their little secret.
443
00:27:22,990 --> 00:27:26,550
Cathy and her SECRET boyfriend.
444
00:27:26,550 --> 00:27:29,830
And imagine Mark
keeping that secret all those years.
445
00:27:29,830 --> 00:27:31,470
That's not right.
446
00:27:31,470 --> 00:27:34,390
Oh, there's some secrets
it's all right to keep, like.
447
00:27:34,390 --> 00:27:36,510
Your age, or your weight.
448
00:27:36,510 --> 00:27:39,270
Or whether or not someone
has a scar on their willy.
449
00:27:41,710 --> 00:27:43,990
But not Mark's secret. no.
450
00:27:45,510 --> 00:27:48,390
Or the recipe for brown bread.
451
00:27:48,390 --> 00:27:50,230
I must tell you some time!
452
00:27:51,750 --> 00:27:53,790
Goodbye! Come on, Grandad!
35401
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