Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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*LOG IN

*MY FRIENDS BOOK

*ZEROS AND ONES

*TO: MILDRED SUBJECT: HANGING OUT?

*HEY WHY ARENT U WRITING BACK TO ME?!?!?!?

*IM STARTING TO GET REALLY FRUSTR...

*HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?!?! WANNA HANG?

*SAVE TO DRAFTS

- You're welcome. - For what?

Good morning!

- So good to see you. - Hi, Donny.

We just wanted to wish you a good morning.

- Well could you not do that. - Would you let him look at me, please?

We haven't seen you in forever.

Yeah, and you thought a cool way of seeing me

would be to run me over at 9 A.M.?

Yeah, a fun way.

We drove all the way up here in the A.M.

to see you and have a good time.

And here we are, hanging out and having a blast, already.

*BUFFERING

You been ditching us for cooter?

Look, guys, I know it sucks that

we haven't hung out in a while,

and I totally think we should.

And I was probably going to call you guys this weekend, OK?

But I really don't have time

to play these games right now.

Yeah, what's her name?

I just lost the game.

Look James, it's just kind of hard

when you move so far away

and you spend all this time with your new girlfriend.

Were you really gonna call us this weekend?

Or were you gonna lay in bed with...

Motherf...

Good morning. You wasted it, man.

What's her name, by the way?

Your bride...

There's no there's no bride, there's no girlfriend.

It's just me.

Just me... doing my thing.

Well if you got nothing going on tonight

you wanna hang out?

I just lost the game.

What are you muttering about over there, Cole?

I'm muttering about the fucking game.

What game?

The game.

The Game. The Game!

Cole, relax... what?

You guys don't know what just happened?

Now I'm gonna have to ruin your lives, I guess.

You're not going to ruin my life.

I'm just apologizing in advance.

Don't apologize.

OK, here goes. When I was on tour with Stevie,

we had this gig at this warehouse,

and there was this girl in Baltimore...

Did you hook up?

And she started talking to me about

this game called "The Game"

Where if you think about the game,

you've lost the game.

That's it.

*EYE SEE YOU V1.04

I gotta go, my boss is here.

Yeah, my boss.

Alright.

*CALL ENDED SAM

James...

What do you think?

Banquet hall...

We hide a little bottle of cognac.

Expensive.

And all the guests know

that it's there hiding in the banquet hall.

Throughout the course of the evening,

someone...

finds the cognac.

OK.

We then reunite that someone,

with their first love!

Wow. That's totally...

totally romance.

Uhhhhh...

That sounds a little bit too...

Dangerous?

It's heart-wrenching.

It's heart-wrenching.

Ummm...

Hey James, do you want to hang out tonight?

No! I don't think I can.

I gotta go to this neighborhood birthday thing.

Norm's throwing this really big party

tonight and you should come.

Like at his parents' house, or what?

No.

He's fuckin' rich now, you didn't hear that?

He just bought a new house. He wants to show it off,

so he invited everybody from high school

Why don't you just hang out with us now?

Cause I have to go to work.

- You have a job? - Yes.

What's your job, you fucking yuppie?

I work at an event planning company.

Is this idea gold, or what?

Yes.

Probably. I'm just trying to understand

how you think you would orchestrate

something like that.

- Orchestrate? - Simple.

We go a few hours early

to the banquet hall.

Hide the little cognac in a sweet little spot.

- Done. - Yes. No, I know.

*JAMES, YOU GOTTA COME TO NORMS PARTY TONITE...

I'm talking about the first love reuniting part.

That...

is where you come in.

There you go.

You're going to handle that.

Right.

So that's why you're all dressed up?

Alright. Alright.

That's me.

Alright. Here's your car.

Hit the pavement.

What are you guys doing today?

I gotta make a bid on a Jazzmaster.

I'm gonna start fasting.

Drivin' around.

Look, do you have a garage or a spare room?

That's all I'm asking.

I have an apartment, Brad.

*INCOMING CALL "MILDRED"

Hey!

Cool hearing from you.

Yeah. Oh man, right now?

I'm not really doing anything.

The beach? Yeah!

You make it sound so nice.

Yeah...

Well, I'm at work right now...

*HEY JAMES, IS THAT YOUR ONLINE OBSESSION? :P

But I can probably pick you up later.

At like 5:30 for the beach.

We could catch the sunset, at least.

Yes, I know it's Friday...

but that's a work day too, for people who work.

Well, can I call you later?

How'd the beach go?

I bet it was great.

So I was just figuring maybe

we could do something now, at night.

*CONNECTED "MILDRED"

Yeah, if you wanna

just call me back and...

I guess.

Yeah. We'll just talk,

when you call me back.

I understand if you're doing something,

you know, um, whatever.

I'm doing something.

We're both doing something, you know.

So maybe like if you

call me back, we can,

do something together.

OK?

Alright! So...

I guess I'll talk to you soon.

Have a good one tonight.

It's James.

OK, bye.

*CALL ENDED "MILDRED"

*1 TEXT RECEIVED

*FROM: DONNY JAMES, WHERE ARE YOU?

*NORM'S PARTY IS ON FIRE RIGHT NOW

*TO: "MILDRED" WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE?

Have a good one tonight.

*JUST PICK UP WHEN I CALL YOU. NOT A BIG DEAL.

Have a good one tonight?

*HOW MUCH EFFORT COULD IT POSSIBLY TAKE TO BE FRIENDS?

*STUPID YUPPIE PARTY IN SILVERLAKE

*SAVE TO DRAFTS

*1 MISSED CALL DONNY

*CALLING... DONNY

Hey Donny, is that party still happening?

* WELCOME TO USL V2001 DO YOU HAVE A 56.6K OR DSL MODEM?

*SELECT SIGN ON NAME: KINGJAMES4EVA

*SELECT LOCATION: TORRANCE 310-987-4900

*US LOG ON!

Welcome!

♪ 'Which Way Is Up' by Cause Co-Motion ♪

*BUCKY666 TONS OF STUFF FOR SALE

*BIGFUNDON TALK TO ME BUDDY!

*IGOTCOLE MAE-SHI - RUN TO YOUR GRAVE

*SOUTHBAYBOY85 COME AT ME DAWG

*STONECOLDESE WHERE THE (.)(.) AT?

*GLASSESFANST REALLY BUSY GETTING WASTED

*SUMGRRRL1884 JUST CHILLAXIN

*JWIZARDJ7 I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT...

*MMANSONFIEND11 PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME

*KASEYUNICORN33 LMAO THIS IS AWK, HELLO

*MEANDEAN POW MIA @ NORM'S

*YOU HAVE BEEN LOGGED ON FOR 30 MINUTES

I'm here cause I'm comfortable!

I'm finally comfortable... here.

*CONVO WITH COREY

It that a good thing?

*YOU HAVE BEEN INVITED TO JOIN A CHAT IN: THEKITCHEN98

It's a good thing.

I mean, I'm happy.

Are you happy?

*YOU ARE NOW IN KITCHEN_CHAT69

Hey, James!

*JAMES HAS ENTERED THE CHAT.

Oh hey... guys.

What's up?

Not too much.

What's up with you?

Did you come by yourself?

- Yeah. - That's weird... cool.

I mean, I just came to...

Well, I don't know why I came.

Yeah.

Why did you come?

You know, my friends are here.

It's your ex-boyfriend!

He's here to kill you.

So what's up? What are you guys talking about?

Who's hot or not?

Well, kind of. We were talking about

whose life is on the skids or not.

Really, huh?

It's true.

And?

And there are many lives on the skids.

Inspired by your own personal history or something?

What?

Like, you know, because

you were in rehab, so you started with yourself

and did it with everybody else too?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Cool, so what's the prognosis, skid-wise?

I want to say live your life. And you know, do things.

Live life, gotcha.

I mean, that's my motto,

- Take one day at a time. - Okay, check.

Are you still Mexican though?

Hell fuckin' yeah! Arriba, motherfucker!

Arriba, motherfuck-

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Feeling a little nauseous.

She's feeling a little nauseous.

So how about me, then?

What do you make of me? Is my life on the skids?

I give her a fake name.

It doesn't matter. I still look through the phone book

and there's the fake name.

And I just see that, and I just wanna call that.

- What name did you give her? - What's the point what name I gave her?

It makes no difference.

- Tell me. - Mildred.

I'd get my guitar out and start jamming,

practicing, good stuff.

Hoping maybe she'd come home.

In front of her place?

Maybe she'd come out and hear it, you know?

I don't know.

I guess I kind of freaked her out or something,

cause it all just stopped.

And I tried emailing her, nothing.

Phone calls, text, nothing.

*YOU HAVE BEEN LOGGED ON FOR 1 HOUR

I think she's obviously... fucked up.

I just...

I just need to forget about her

in a real way, you know?

Where do you get off talking about the skids

and whose life is on them

when you're still in the safety net of the school?

Listen, I have a full time lab job on top of my grad word, jerk off.

I heard you didn't even make it through the first year of community college.

That's right, cause college is littered

with assholes like you.

Probably her!

Well...

Then I can't wait to get into the real world

where I can be in a place that's littered

with assholes like you.

Well said.

I'm going to go to the bathroom

You do that.

I can't even talk anymore,

I actually have to text this girl back, now.

I'm very sorry.

Sounds great.

It is great, actually...

because she's quite in love with me.

I'm just going to text her back now.

*CALL LOG "MILDRED" "MILDRED" DONNY

Do I love her?

I don't know. I don't even talk to her.

How the fuck am I going to love her?

I would love to love her.

That'd be great.

Look, I gotta show you this thing, OK?

You get Donny...

I'll get my computer.

*RELATIONAL FEELINGS

*INCOMING CALL "MILDRED"

*SUREFIRE STRATEGIES SO THAT YR FEELINGS DON'T GET IN THE WAY OF YR RELATIONS

Hang on, guys, I got to take this call.

Hey hang on a second,

I'm at this loud party, OK?

*RULE #1: IF NOT IN REGULAR CASUAL COMMUNICATION (RCC)

*PLEASE ADHERE TO THE FOLLOWING RATIO: A CERTAIN RATIO! IT'S THE LAW

Hey!

Can you hear me?

*RULE #2: IF AND WHEN YOUR LOVE OBJECT MAKES CONTACT WITH YOU; DO NOT GET TOO EXCITED.

So, what's up?

How'd that thing you were doing go?

*RULE #3: NEVER BELIEVE THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ARE TRUE:

Is it over?

*YOU KNOW THIS GIRL TO THE DEPTHS OF HER SOUL

*FROM ALL THE TIME YOU SPEND LOOKING AT HER PROFILE.

Do you think you want to hang out tonight?

*YOU DO NOT!

So you're really tired,

and don't think you can leave the house.

So maybe,

*RULE #4: GETTING WITH SOME MYSTERIOUS GIRL WILL SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

maybe I should just come over to your room or something?

*RULE #5: NEVER INVITE YOURSELF OVER; EVEN IF YOU CAN MAKE IT CONVINCING

OK.

Yeah, well, let's just call it a night then.

Totally.

*AND REMEMBER: DON'T EVER LET YOUR FEELINGS GET IN THE WAY OF YOUR RELATIONS.

*THAT IS WHAT LOSERS DO.

Why don't you just say we'll never hang out,

because at no point has it actually been soon.

*THANK YOU AND GOOD LUCK JAMES PONGO

Why don't just say never, you know?

It's been never now, it's been never now forever.

*CALL ENDED "MILDRED"

That was great.

Hello?

*YOU HAVE BEEN LOGGED ON FOR 2 HOURS

Great. Fuckin' great.

*POST TRAUMA BEER CONVO

Excuse me,

Is that good, huh?

It's mine.

*CONVO WITH LOSER MORONS

Hey, that was great. That was good.

- That was good. I liked it. - Relational feelings...

Oh! Why the fuck did you leave my computer

with this fucking guy?

What the fuck?

*CONVO WITH THIS FUCKING GUY

I was just trying to show her a video...

I don't really give a fuck if you were trying to show her...

up the ass!

It's my fucking computer.

*CONVO WITH COMPUTER HOG

*JAMES SAYS...

James, come on man.

Get off there!

*ATTENTION: YOU ONLY HAVE 5 HOURS REMAINING ON YOUR USL ACCOUNT THIS MONTH.

You have to get down form there.

- Jump! - Stagedive!

Oh fuck! Holy shit!

*YOU HAVE BEEN LOGGED ON FOR 3 HOURS

You broke the window!

*YOUR SYSTEM HAS CRASHED PRESS CTRL+ALT+DEL TO RESTART YOUR COMPUTER

*LOG IN

- Hey. - Hey, man.

Do you want anything?

Do you have juice?

Uh, yeah...

Orange, mango, carrot, tomato, grapefruit...

OK, mango.

Cool.

*CALL LOG "MILDRED" 4.32AM "MILDRED" 4.30AM 'MILDRED" 3.47AM

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Do you have wireless?

Oh, yeah, of course.

The password is 1-2-2-3-3-3-4-4-4-4

OK.

- I'm going to check my e-mail. - OK.

Hey Norm, have you seen my murse?

Uh, I don't know...

Well, it's just a beige bag, with a bunch of my fucking shit in it.

Well, maybe you left it in your car.

If I left it my car, I wouldn't be looking for it around here, man!

I didn't leave it in my car!

Please shut up...

- No you shut the fuck up. - What?

Do you wanna help me look around, Norm?

Well, where do you think it is?

I don't know, Norm, in your house.

Fuck!

I don't want that juice, Norm.

I wanna find my bag.

I want to find my computer.

OK?

OK, well...

You're gonna help me.

Look, if you're really strapped

I can probably give you the cash

to cover most of that shit.

It's not a money thing, Norm.

It's an everything thing.

Goodbye, porno.

Goodbye, job.

Goodbye, favorite places.

Goodbye, everything that I've worked for...

and worked on the last 3 years.

Goodbye, job.

Hello Torrance!

Typical, sitting here, in this dump.

- What? - Hey, man. I got it.

You found it?

No... it would be amazing if I did though, right? That'd be cool.

No I have the next best thing though. Almost as good.

You figured out where it might be?

*DO YOU WANT TO RUN OR SAVE THIS FILE?

*YOU JUST LOST THE GAME

*I JUST LOST THE GAME

*HUH?

*DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE THIS COULD BE

*THE FIRST STEP TO VICTORY

*THE FIRST STEP TO VICTORY

*IS A LIST OF PEOPLE I HATE?

*WHAT DO YOU MEAN "HATE"?

*THERE ARE SOME GREAT PEOPLE ON THAT LIST

*WE GREW UP WITH THESE PEOPLE WE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THEM

*WELL THIS LIST SEEMS TO MEAN A LOT TO YOU

*SO I'M JUST GONNA LET YOU KEEP IT

Your computer was in my house last night.

This morning it was not in my house.

That means someone who was here last night took it.

- Stole it. - OK.

But that is a list of someones who was in my house last night.

Well what am I supposed to do Norm, call these people up?

See them? Do you have any idea how long I've been trying to

distance myself from every single name on this list?

Did you back up your files?

Installing suspect list

You've won!

This isn't one of your stupid jokes, right?

*SHOOT THE CULPRIT WIN A FREE LAPTOP!!!

My stupid... What do you mean?

I really need that computer for work, you know?

I mean, the prospect of going through this list is really unattractive,

and obviously I don't want to go through that

if it's one of your asshole jokes, OK?

You look pathetic, man.

You think I wanna see you look like this?

All right, well.

Call you if I need your help.

Who's the second suspect?

*BUCKY666 TONS OF STUFF FOR SALE

You know Bucky, though!

Bucky knows how to have fun!

Where there's Bucky, there's fun.

So this is it!

This is what I do with the Roomba.

I try to have fun with it.

Even though it doesn't want to have fun with me!

Hey.

Hey Bucky.

Can I check my email, man?

Yeah, absolutely. You gotta go to the library.

Or the internet cafe. Or Fred's house or Norm's house.

There's lots of places you can check your email!

Not here, though.

No, no compy.

You don't have a computer?

Not yet.

But I was thinking maybe

I could hack into the Roomba and turn it into a computer!

Yeah?

*1 TEXT RECEIVED

*SAM JUST TOLD ME YR LAPTOP GOT STOLEN. WTF?

I think it'll work.

Yeah, that'll work man.

*I THINK I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP YOU, BIGTIME

Spy App, 15-day free trial!

You guys are soul mates, you gotta email that prick back.

*DID YOU HEAR THAT THAT GUY JAMES GOT HIS COMPUTER STOLEN

I'm thinking about it.

Oh, sorry. Hold on.

*DID YOU HEAR THAT THAT GUY JAMES GOT HIS COMPUTER STOLEN. FROM: ANNOYING COLE

James, did your computer get stolen?

Uh, yeah.

Oh and you're not out looking for it?

Well, one of the reasons that I...

came by here was to...

maybe see if you knew anything about that,

but also to just sort of,

you know, just come by...

and see what was going on with you.

*SUSPECT LOCKED

What do you have Cole in the car out there for?

Cole?

- Come on. - I don't know.

Is this some sort of sting operation? Am I your prime suspect?

Look we go to her house and you pretend like you just wanna hang out.

OK.

Then I send her a text message mentioning that your computer was stolen.

If she doesn't bring it up, that means she's hiding something.

Alright.

Then you can be like, "What was that text about?"

Then we got her.

Get out of here.

Really?

OK.

Erica? Oh my gosh.

OK, bye.

Goodbye!

No, I'm laughing because James...

Cole?

Oh hey.

What's up?

How weird! Seeing you here... I can't believe...

I never fucking...

I'm done with your genius strategies, man.

Shit... I just lost game.

Did you hear how crazy she got?

That just proves that she didn't steal it. Right?

And how can you think she's boring?

She is boring.

We were having a great talk until you got involved.

Well, look, that just proves my theory then

that people that are non-boring,

AKA "suspicious people"

didn't take your computer.

Hey!

Good to see you, Cole!

Are you guys gonna leave?!

Yeah, it's weird running into you.

I'll catch you later, though, OK?

Fuck off!

*1 TEXT RECEIVED

*DON'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE LOSERS FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

*COME GET WASTED AND LISTEN TO TAPES IN MY BASEMENT! :0

*EAZIER DAYS COLE

You man... You have it made.

Your life is like an endless party.

Uh well, yeah...

I mean, I don't know, you know, I just

I mean, I just hustled this job completely out of the blue.

- Yeah. - Yeah. I just came up to this...

lady, you know, I saw who was at this club

and she was obviously like way too old to be there.

She was there with like three other old ladies.

Nice.

So I figured she must be something like

somebody who could do something for me.

Phony people...

Yeah, I don't know.

I just sorta... it just sorta worked out, ya know?

That's why it was cool when it was just us,

you know, like, your friends.

But it wasn't phony, really.

Well, I mean, it was, it was...

It was kind of like... it just unfolded like really naturally.

Those are like old rich people though, man!

It was like you and us and your friends and stuff,

that was cool.

That was like the good old days, or whatever. I don't know.

- I know it sounds so cheesy. - I know what you're saying but,

it was, you know, it was fine.

She gave me a job. Ya know...?

That's what you gotta do, man!

You just gotta move to wherever you move to and just

you know, you'll you go out to places and you'll meet people and you'll

make friends and then just things will happen for you.

Know what I mean? It'll just start happening for you.

I don't know.

It's like, whatever...

It's not even... it's not that hard, it's not a big deal. Right?

I mean, I'm bidding on a fucking Jazzmaster right now.

*CURRENT PRICE: $405.00. PRICE SETTER: IGOTCOLE22

This perfect, beautiful, red, American '65 Jazzmaster.

That's awesome.

Fuck yeah. And when I get it you know what?

I'm going to be able to write the sickest songs that you've ever heard.

I'm serious. And you're- I mean, you're going to put them on

and you're going to listen to them over and over and over again.

Yes!

- Cause they're gonna be so fucking good! - Yes!

And then the songs are going to be so sick

because you're going to be with this Jazzmaster?

- Yep. - That's awesome.

And then, I'm gonna be able to go on tour and stuff.

Congratulations, Cole.

Thanks, man.

*CURRENT PRICE: $680.00. PRICE SETTER: SNIPER69

Thanks.

*ATTENTION! YOU HAVE BEEN OUTBID

*SEARCH MODE ACTIVATED

*SARAH MCKLINTOCK

*SARAH MCKLINTOCK ON TWHATSUP?

*WTF IS JAMES PONGO DOING HERE?!?

Who's your friend?

We go to pharmacology school together, and I'm trying to convince them

to move out here when we graduate next year.

Is she hot?

- It's a guy. - It's a guy. That's cool.

*PONGO IS A PERVERT

Son, I've been writing this letter all morning

*DEAR NEWSPAPER...

and I was wondering

if you would please help me send an e-mail

to those goddamn morons at The Times.

Sure.

I have been reading your paper

regularly for the last 50-some-odd years. Almost every morning,

browsing through pages, I come to the same thought

These guys are a bunch of goddamn morons.

All right. I'll just send it from my e-mail, OK?

OK.

But just don't you go taking credit for it?

OK.

How do you want me to sign it?

"Anon."

OK.

All right. I sent it.

Paper should be getting it any minute now.

That fast?

Yeah. I'm going to check my email now. OK?

OK.

*BOSSY, BAD NEWS. I WAS MUGGED YESTERDAY AND GOT MY...

What kind of shower do you take?

Sorry?

What kind of shower do you take?

I guess I don't know, a normal one.

No.

Five minutes hot,

one minute cold, four minutes hot,

two minutes cold

three minutes hot, three minutes cold

and then you dry yourself.

- Alright. - Let me ask you something.

Do you sleep with your window open?

I don't know.

Don't you sleep with your window open?

You know... I'm really not sure.

You must sleep with your window open and don't trust women.

- Grampa! - You're not a woman!

Your mother was never a woman and you'll never be a woman!

What the hell is going on here?

I'm just teaching your Romeo the facts of life.

I was just helping him send an email.

Yeah, what are you, crazy?

We don't let him use the computer.

Sorry. He seemed innocent enough.

You know what happens when you let old people use the computer?

It starts with innocent grandpa sending an email,

and it ends with psychotic mom killing a girl on MySpace.

I'm sorry, I didn't know your policy.

Yeah. You don't know anything.

So, what's the deal?

The deal?

What do you want?

Well... you were... Norm's party... friends!

OK!

*BUFFERING...

Well, like...

did you steal it?

What?! What?!

Or like...

- was your friend at the party? - Yes.

Well, can I speak with him?

*IS HE FUCKING SERIOUS?

What is this, James?

Can you just please bring him to me?

Because I have a question to ask him. OK?

And then you're gonna leave?

Yes. Thank you.

He's black.

So who?

So he's black.

So what?

He's a black man!

What is it with you guys, whatever it is,

he's responsible!

Old man, you're scapegoating... black people, you can't-

He's 100 percent responsible!

*HMM. E-DAWG SAYS HE FOUND A COMPY.

Whisk her away!

*E-DAWG GOING CRAZY OVER THE KITTENS

Ashley, how you doing? It's Edwin.

No, I was calling to find out on the status of the kittens.

They found all the kittens? You're lying!

They found all the kittens?

You are an angel that descended upon me from heaven.

Thank you so much.

Well, James, this is my friend Edwin.

- OK. - Hold on a second.

How you doing, man?

Nice to meet you, I'm Edwin.

Hey, nice to meet you.

You had a question for him.

Did I? Uhh...

Yeah, you did. I went and got him

because you wanted to ask him something.

I... no... I think... wha...

probably whatever I wanted to ask Edwin was...

I don't know what I was thinking. Because obviously

Edwin has nothing to do with what I wanted to ask him about.

No, no, please, James. Go right ahead.

No, really, it's OK.

I'm all cleared up now.

OK. Very good. Well...

thanks for wasting our time.

Eat crow!

What'd he say?

He told you to eat crow.

Crows are really smart.

The smartest black bird...

*OMG! JAMES PONGO! NAPPING! HERE! NOW!

*BECKY'S FLOWER BED

So who's next on this motley hit list of yours?

I don't know. Maybe... Dean.

Oh, my God. I totally know Dean. I had trigonometry with that guy.

He's like totally a smarty pants.

So where does he live?

You know, I'm not sure.

Allow me to look up the little smarty pants on the Facebook, shall I? OK?

Thanks.

He lives in Lancaster.

Didn't see that coming...

Zinger!

Do you wanna just...

Google map his address and print it out for me?

Oh, yeah, sure. No problemo.

Thanks.

*1 TEXT RECEIVED

*FROM: MILDRED. SORRY BOUT FRIDAY NIGHT - MAYBE WE CAN HANG OUT LATER THIS WEEK.

Problemo!

What's wrong? Out of ink?

No, I don't know. I have the address,

but it's just like not showing up anywhere on the map.

What does that mean?

I don't know, like...

new construction? Lancaster?

Every day new streets.

Print me out directions to Lancaster

and I'll ask around when I get into town or something.

- O! M! G! - Jesus!

I just got a new GPS for my C-A-R!

Why don't you and I go together?

- Oh.. Nah.. - Yeah, why not?

Nah, I wouldn't wanna drag you into this.

Drag me into this? Are you crazy?

Oh my god no, it'll be great.

I can test out my new gizmo.

Yes!

Listen to me.

You know what they say:

A ship in the harbor is safe...

but ships are meant to sail.

OK.

OK?

Alright.

Oh, my God.

Just give me like 5 to 12 minutes. I'm going to snip my bangs, really quick.

Do my nails in a jif.

You are not gonna regret this.

*VISIT MY OTHER KOOOOOL PAGES!!

*BECKY'S BUTTERFLY BONANZA. BECKY'S LOVE JOURNAL. BECKY'S BUKKAKE

You came all the way from Los Angeles to ask me that?

Yeah.

I don't have your fucking computer.

Oh.

What ya think, I had your fucking computer?

Yeah.

I don't.

So what? What are you gonna do now?

- You gonna drive back down? - Yeah!

That is so cool you moved to Los Angeles permanently!

- Yeah! - Yeah, I lived in LA!

Really?

I lived there when I was there with Phil, then we broke up

and so I moved back to Manhattan Beach.

- I'm sorry to hear that. - That's OK.

*THIS IS GREAT! THERE IS THIS BOY AND I REALLY...

Do you think I should move back there?

- Do it? Yeah. - Yeah?

Like if I move there, would you, like is there fun stuff to do?

And... I don't know.

Would it be cool if I moved back?

Sure, you know, it just depends what you do. You know, like what is your mission?

Would you want to hang out? If I texted you, if I called you or whatever...

Would you wanna show me stuff?

Could you not talk and text and drive, please?

Because it's really making me feel very unsafe.

- Oh I'm sorry, you feel unsafe? - Yes.

You feel unsafe?

That's what I just said.

How do you think people feel when you talk to them like that, James?

They probably feel like they wanna steal their computer.

OK.

Honestly, please don't talk and text and drive!

I'm glad we're not boyfriend and girlfriend,

I'm glad we're not a hot little item.

You'd probably make for a really mean boyfriend.

Yeah, well, luckily I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now.

Actually James, it's not about what you're looking for...

It's about what you're looking at.

Good. So just look, look at the road.

I know, I just stopped.

- Just look at the road. - I know it's a red light.

*INCOMING CALL ME

Hey, you've reached James Pongo.

I am probably super busy right now

but if you leave me a message, I will get back to you.

Have a good one.

Where's your stuff, you jerk?

Why did you think it would be so easy?

It's so easy in Torrance,

where your friends call you

and you can just say no and be happy.

But it's not so easy in L.A., is it?

Where no one knows you and no one is your friend.

Now you call Torrance and no one picks up.

Just... go fucking get it already!

Stop wasting. Just stop.

*9 MIN LATER

Fuck you.

I'll see you later. It's James.

*1 NEW VOICEMAIL

*BETTER OFF JED

Yeah, man, I know you

*WHEN YOUR REPUTATION PRECEDES YOU.

- Jed - What?

You're Jed.

No, not Jed, man. Sorry.

What? Come on, man.

Come on.

I'm not Jed, you got the wrong guy.

- Okaaaayyyy. - Can I get another Scotch rocks?

Alright. No, you're fucking Jed.

*1 TEXT RECEIVED

Look, I'm Frank.

I don't know who Jed is, but I'm not him.

*FROM: BOSSY. I KNOW IT'S LATE BUT I NEED YOU

TO LOOK OVER THE BALLOON COUNT FOR TOPANGA...

Alright... OK.

You're fucking Jed.

*WHEN YOUR REPUTATION CATCHES UP WITH YOU.

- Get a beer? - Oh my god, it's fucking Jed.

Jed.

Yep, that's me.

Do I know you man?

I know you, man.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I read your blog every day,

and I used to check your MySpace profile like all the time.

Oh, man. Are you going to write about this in your blog?

Ugh... I hope not... in order to stop seeing you.

You know, I happen to know

that you and I are specifically, the only people specifically interested,

within the zone of 90026,

in endangered species?

- Hmmm, I did write that. - And so did I!

And here's this other guy in here who

looks just like you, isn't that messed up?

No, you're messed up. How about you go just take a seat?

*WHEN YOU GOTTA BACK UP YOUR REPUTATION.

Why don't you tell me

where my computer is?

What the fuck are you talking about?

You think you can just come to parties

and because you don't know anybody,

just bang girls that they like

- and steal their shit? - You're crossing the line, man.

And you crossed it already when you stole my stuff, thief.

Faggot!

Hey, hey, don't... hey, listen man

don't write about this stuff on your blog, OK?

OK, you faggot?

*THE GAME

*THE LOSER WHO KEPT CALLING ME A FAGGOT

*HEY EVERYBODY LAYOFF; I KNOW THIS QUEER JOB AND HE ACTUALLY IS A TOTAL GAY,

*SO JUST COOL IT. JED'S ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THIS ONE!

So did you post some shit on Jed's blog calling me gay?

Oh, yeah, you saw that man?

Yeah, I saw it. You left me a message about it.

I kinda figured you didn't have a computer, so I.. uh..

So why'd you call me gay?

You think I'm gay because I live in Echo Park by myself

and you live in Torrance with your mom?

- Relax, man. - So I'm gay?

I'm doing you a favor? All right.

You know how Jed said some shit

about you calling him faggot.

Well, I'm going to make everyone think you're a faggot.

So it's OK. Like, you know how

You know how n-words call each other n-words?

Faggots call each other faggots!

It's the cool thing, man.

You're beyond idiot.

No, I'm a total fucking genius,

and I'm gonna help you find your compu...

*CONNECTION LOST!

*CALLING

Who are you going to see today?

Bryan Gerard.

Bryan Gerard? Dude, that guy just got out of prison, man.

You wanna put him right back in prison?

Just got out of prison for what?

Computer robbery?

No, attempted rape.

Bryan Ger-That guy couldn't rape a fly, he's so flimsy!

Dude, not real life rape, fake life rape.

He was on Facebook, mackin' it on this 15-year-old when he was 19,

And it turns out the 15-year-old was actually

45-year-old Sgt. Stevens, from the pederasty sting squad.

- That's heavy. - Yeah. Be safe.

Don't get stung, my n-word.

Hello? Hey... Fucker.

*CALL ENDED SEE YOU LATER

*TORRANCE PUBLIC ACCESS

You been going house to house,

door to door?

Doing some kind of charity work, James?

Or is there another reason?

Not really, charity work...

more like an investigation.

What and I'm a suspect?

No, I'm not saying that.

I'm just saying maybe you're like a witness.

Or maybe I'm the culprit.

Relax, man. I just...

You were at Norm's party a few nights ago.

Yeah, so?

So my computer got stolen.

Yeah. So what?

So, it fucked me up.

Yeah, you ain't the first one to get fucked over by a computer.

Hey let me borrow that head-band.

Alright.

C'mon, I'll wash it, I'll give it back.

C'mon!

Feels good.

So you lost your computer?

Yeah.

This is a blessing.

Come on, give up the hunt.

What're you crazy? I need what was on there.

What was on there was important.

- Lots of stuff. I need— - You listening to yourself right now?

You sound like a fucking junkie.

'I need it. I want it. I can't live without it.'

OK, so you didn't take it, you don't know who did?

Are you kidding me, man?

I'm so happy to be a million miles away from that shit.

And so should you.

You must have a pretty big appetite after running, huh?

- Not really... - Oh, man.

It's good. You feel it right here.

- Could you stop running next to me? - OK. So, I'm just gonna...

You just think about my question and get back to me

after you make the loop. OK?

*DO YOU WANT TO INVESTIGATE OTHER SUSPECTS FROM THE KITCHEN CHAT AT NORMS?

*YES

*CASSIE & DAVID IN TUJUNGA SUSPECTS 17 & 18

I was completely surprised to receive that phone call from you.

Totally caught me off guard.

Yup! Here I am.

And I was completely surprised to find you guys together

here, because it didn't seem like you were very friendly in high school.

But now it's like you're pretty serious um...

boyfriend and girlfriend or something.

I mean, we weren't and we're not. But...

Oh, so you're just...

living together for rent or something because you both work in Tujunga?

- Yeah, something like that. - Yeah, we're married.

What? He said you're married.

- Yep. - Oh, like you're really married.

You have rings on.

Wow!

That is great.

- Yeah - That is just really good. Wow!

Married...

We're only 23. I had no idea.

- Yeah, Dave's only 22! - Yeah, 22.

And is that a baby over there?

- Uhuh, yeah. - Whoa.

- Is it yours? - Mm hmm.

Did you acquire it, or did it like, come...

out of you?

Did I acquire it? I gave birth, James.

- Wow. Married with children? - Yeah.

What's the kid's name?

- Mildred. - Mildred!

Wow. Married with Mildred.

What is next in this whirlwind romance for you hot young newlyweds?

James, what-what brings you here

besides this wonderful game of catch up?

Oh, it's just, uh...

*GAME WIZARD. LEVEL: 188 - ACCUSING CASSIE ACTION: SKIPIT!

Dave, did you steal James' computer?

Nope.

No. James I have no idea where your stuff went

and I'm really sorry to hear that it's gone missing.

Will you excuse me for a moment? Dave... leave her.

Mildred, huh?

Little Mildred.

*DAVID. MEGHAN. CASSIE. CAITLIN

*MEGHAN. CAITLIN

What is that?

Is that a list?

You have me on this list?

Listen, I didn't take your computer.

Cassie didn't take your computer.

Caitlin didn't take your computer.

Stop bothering us!

*NEWS. CAITLIN RENOLDS "DEAD" "R.I.P" SAY FRIENDS AND INTERNET ACQUAINTANCES.

*FRNDZLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

What's going on?

I'm de...

You're not... You're not dead.

- Did you say you're dead? - You don't understand, James!

Look, I went on Friendzlr for the first time

in a really long time. And...

Eight months ago, someone put up 'R.I.P.' on my wall,

and then everybody started writing, 'we'll miss you' and 'R.I.P.'

I don't even remember these people.

I don't remember friending them or anything!

Well... that is really not a big deal.

How would you know you've never been dead.

On Friendzlr, you mean?

Just, um, it's OK, C'mon, you'll be alright.

Toughen up, you know?

Yeah, you'll be fine.

There, there.

There, there.

What am I gonna do?

You don't have to do anything.

Just keep on... Just... get it out.

Go on. Get it out, come on.

Yeah!

It's out. Right. It's out!

Good. That's great.

Do you have my computer?

- What? - By any chance?

I don't know, why are you asking me that?

What? OK.

So you don't basically. OK.

I don't know...

You're gonna be fine.

- You've got lots of friends. - No I don't.

You do. You got lots of friends and you're much nicer than them.

And you're so skinny and...

really, much skinnier than all your friends, you know?

- No, I'm not. - Yeah... you are.

Really...

It's OK.

Anytime.

Stupid...

Well I'm glad I was able to come be of service to you.

- Yeah, thank you for coming. - Absolutely.

- I look like a mess. - Yeah.

Well... have a good one.

- OK? - OK.

Cool. Alright, cool.

*GET YOUR FREE CREDIT REPORT ONLINE NOW!!!

Look, um, do you wanna just make out for a second?

- What the fuck?! - Is that totally weird?

- Yes that's totally weird! - OK.

Fuck.

I just thought that when...

Get the fuck out of my room!

I thought I should have taken that opportunity earlier.

I thought you wanted me to.

Yeah well whatever opportunity there may have been, it's over,

and never going to happen again.

Cause there was an opportunity,

at that one point.

No, I said if there was, hypothetically, there wasn't.

- What if I just, like... - Get away from me.

- Get the fuck out of my room! - It just felt like you did, for a second.

Get the fuck out of my room.

See, like you're saying one thing...

- Are you retarded? - No, it's...

- Oh my god! - Are you being serious?

- Yes, I'm being serious! - You're being serious. OK.

See, this door. You can use this one.

- You have a really weird way of flirting!! - Do I look like I'm fucking kidding?!

- Fine! - I'm not flirting!!

Cocksucker, fuck you!

I can't tell if you're joking.

I'm not joking!

OK.

*NEWS. JAMES PONGO IS A BIG LOSER.

*AFTER HAVING EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO BANG THE FORMERLY DECEASED CAITLIN RENOLDS...

You have my pen.

*8-BIT WORLD SAVE GAME?

*NO - I WANT TO QUIT

*PHOTO STREEEM 57 NEW PHOTOS HAVE BEEN DETECTED.

*SEARCHING FOR MY LIFE

*THE_SUSPECT_LIST.JPG 18 LOSERS REMAINING

*COOLWHIP.JPG TO TORRANCE VIA 110-S

*ACCUSATION22.JPG JAMES PONGO

*SUZIE.TIFF OFFENDED

*POSTACCUSATION_DEPRESSION.JPG DEJECTED

*THELIST22.TIFF INNOCENT

*HAYDENS_BASEMENT.PNG

*FOUND ON CRAIGSLIST FREE STUFF

*SOLD ON EBAY FOR PROFIT

*ME AND COMPUTER 1 ME

*ME AND COMPUTER 2 ME. MY COMPUTER

*FOCUSING STRICTLY BUSINESS

*LIST25.JPG INNOCENT

*MRSJAMES.JPG CHRIS' MOM

*INTERROGATION23.JPG WHERE'S CHRIS?

*MRSJAMES_UPSET.JPG

*LIST23.JPG INNOCENT DEAD

*THE_EFFECTS_OF_FASTING.JPG EX-BEST FRIEND. DONNY'S SHIRT

*DONNY-INNOCENT.PIC INNOCENT

*KNIFE_INTERROGATION_4.JPG EX-BEST FRIEND

*ACCUSATION30.JPG MICHAEL. TRUTH-TELLING KNIFE

*KITTYKATS.GIF WRONG STREEEM

*SUSPECT30.TIFF LEFT NORMS AT 9 PM

*THELIST30.JPG INNOCENT

*WILMINGTON=VOMITCENTRAL

*LIST28.JPG INNOCENT

*REALLY FEELING LOST

*LIST31.JPG INNOCENT

*DANIEL.JPG

*FUCKTHISDUDE.PIC INNOCENT

*THE_SUSPECT_LIST_FUCK.JPG 5 LOSERS REMAINING

*WOULD YOU LIKE TO INSTALL THE VERY HELPFUL PHOTOSSTREAM TOOLBAR?

*YES

*EX-GIRLFRIEND.JPG

*COMPUTER_BLOOD.JPG

*SYSTEM WARNING A VIRUS HAS BEEN DETECTED

*FORCE QUITTING ALL ACTIVE PROGRAMS...

*AUTOMATICALLY LAUNCHING 0S & 1S VIRUS HUNTER...

*VIRUS HUNTER

*INFECTED FILE ALERT PHOTOSTREEEM\FOOLBAR.VIR

*AUTOMATICALLY LAUNCHING "SAFETY MODE" TO PROTECT YOUR OS.

Got to, got to, got to, got to

Got to, got to, got to, got to

Got to, got to, got to, got to

Got to, find, my computer!

*LAUNCH MIRRORS...

Got to find my computer!

Got to find my computer!

This right here is the most important moment.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Hey man, can I use that for a second?

No, not right now.

- I told you, I'm in the middle of this. - You gonna take a while?

Yeah these things take 3, 4, 5 hours.

*1 TEXT RECEIVED

I got a second place title to defend, alright?

*FROM: SAM. DIEGO CAME INTO MY MOMS SHOP AND I ASKED HIM ABOUT YOUR COMPUTER.

*HE WAS ACTING MAD SHADY. IS THAT FUCKER STILL ON YOUR LIST?! FIND HIM!

So you're telling me I can't check something on there really quick?

James, why'd you come to my house?

No reason.

Just driving by...

remembering how we used to play backyard wrestling.

No reason.

No big fucking reason.

Remember how I used to kick your ass?

- That shit was funny. - Totally.

It was totally funny.

I'm out of here.

All right. Sorry, man,

we couldn't hang out, but you know,

business is business.

Yeah, business is business.

Business.

*INCOMING CALL "MILDRED"

*1 MISSED CALL "MILDRED"

Subject. Is... this... your... computer?

I think that I may have found your tan-colored computer bag.

I opened up the computer and it was signed in to this email address.

*FROM: NANA. PLEASE COME BACK HOME AND CLOSE THE WINDOWS.

*THERE IS A DRAFT ALL OVER THE HOUSE.

I'm looking at your silver laptop and your external hard drive

and your ipod and your...

*TO: NANA. COMING BACK HOME NOW NANA. XOXO

I can't imagine what your life is like right now.

Hey, what are you doing in here, man?

- I just, just, uh... - Hey, this is not cool.

Are you in a tough spot?

I thought I... forgot my...

James, did you break into my house to use my computer?

Hmm? No. I just had to check something.

Check something online.

Mm hmm.

Or did you use this to help you take a vacation from it all?

- Look, you don't understand— - You're right...

I don't understand somebody breaking into my house

while my grandma's asleep, to use the fucking Internet.

Somebody I used to wrestle with in that backyard.

- Look, I just thought that... - Oh, you thought?

Give me a call and we will figure out a way to get all this stuff back to you.

I don't know, man.

I think you better go, before I have to pile drive your ass.

*PRESS "ESC" TO EXIT DIEGO_LAPTOP

Smiley face. T T Y L

Katherine

Email received two days ago. Email unread.

*INSUFFICIENT MEMORY TO RUN MIRRORS APPLICATION.

*THE GAME

I just lost the game.

*SAM COLE DONNY

*0S & 1S A FATAL EXCEPTION ERROR HAS OCCURED

*THE CURRENT APPLICATION "MIRRORS" WILL BE TERMINATED.

*THIS PROBLEM SEEMS TO BE CAUSED BY THE FOLLOWING CORRUPT FILES:

*SUSPECTLIST.EXE SAM.INI COLE.INI DONNY.INI

I'm so happy to be alive, man!

- Hey! - Hey James!

Yeah, here's James. Here's... James.

What the fuck?

Oh, hey guys.

*THE GAME

I just lost the fucking game!

I just lost the game!

That's because you're a loser...

of games.

Oh, OK...

Hey man, did you find your computer?

Hey man, did you find your computer?

Hey man, did you find your computer?

Did you find your computer?

Did you find your fucking Jazzmaster?

You fucking delusional wannabe, motherfucker.

- Get some control of yourself, man! - Did you?!

- Control your... - Shut up!

You stole my computer,

or you stole my computer or you stole my computer.

You did!

Good riddance.

*QUARANTINE WAS SUCCESSFUL IN ISOLATING CORRUPT FILES.

*SYSTEM WILL NOW INITIATE RECOVERY PROCESS.

*10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

*NOTE: IF RECOVERY PROCESS IS UNSUCCESSFUL

*SYSTEM MUST INITIATE A COMPLETE RESTORE.

*.........0

*SYSTEM RECOVERY PROCEDURE

Hey, sir.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, man.

Can I ask you something?

Hey, brother.

I'm kind of in a fucked up situation, man.

I was wondering if I could use your cellphone.

You're in a fucked up situation, huh?

Yeah, I need to make a cellphone call.

I'm no stranger to a fucked up situation.

- I understand the skids. - Yeah, right.

And I'm going to let you use my cell phone.

Thanks! Oh great...

You're welcome.

Hold on a second.

Hold on, hold on a second.

Hey, hey, yeah, everything's just fucking great.

It's been a tough week,

but things are turning around, for sure!

Yeah. All right. All right.

*1 TEXT RECEIVED

Let's meet up at our spot in Redondo.

*FROM: MILDRED. HEY. HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN A WHILE :)

*WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Hey man!

- Hey, thanks! - What are you doing?

- What am I doing? - OK...

Give me the keys to your house and your car.

Don't steal my car, man.

Keys to your house and your car. Come on.

Come on. I'm going to whack you real easy, man.

Psych!

Have a good one tonight.

*YOUR 0S & 1S SYSTEM MUST BE RESTORED TO THE ORIGINAL FACTORY SETTING

*IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN HARDWARE INTEGRITY.

*SYSTEM RESTORE WILL BEGIN IN 60 SECONDS

*WELCOME TO YOUR...

*AMAZING NEW INTELLIGENT

*CONNECTED FOOLPROOF ECO-FRIENDLY

*RELIABLE SOCIAL POWERFUL SEXY

*0S & 1S OPERATING SYSTEM

*LOG IN

*PONGO HARD DRIVE

*WEBSURFER

*SOLITAIRE

*FAVORITES. MY VIDEOS MILDREDMIX3_CD

*MY PHOTOS. PHOTOSTREEEM

*BUILDER

*JAMPLAYER

*DUMPSTER

*I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED THAT YOU HAVEN'T RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL YET.

*I WENT THROUGH YOUR DOCS AND FOUND YOUR CELLPHONE NUMBER ON AN INVOICE

*I'VE CALLED A BUNCH IN THE LAST HOUR BUT YOU AREN'T PICKING UP.

*I KNOW IT'S PRETTY EARLY ON A FRIDAY, BUT IF IT WERE ME I'D BE ON CONSTANT ALERT...

*I WILL HOLD ON TO THE STUFF FOR A FEW MORE DAYS, BUT IF YOU DON'T CLAIM IT BY NEXT WEEK

*I WILL PROBABLY SELL IT ON EBAY/CRAIGSLIST OR MAYBE GIVE IT TO CHARITY.

*THE GAME