Original subtitles

- Height. - Uh, 3'6".

We'll put 6'3".

- Weight. - I don't know.

I-it fluctuates.

Uh, 80? 100?

You're 6'3". We'll put 185.

- Uh, are you sure about this? - Trust me.

I'm an expert at online dating.

Eh, but-but what's gonna happen

when I finally meet one of these women?

Eh, won't they be disappointed?

Any woman that goes out with Porky Pig

is gonna be disappointed, no matter what.

Which brings us to your name.

We can keep Pig or Porky.

But we can't keep both.

[sighs] Eh, k-keep Porky.

- Eh-eh, keep Pig? - You know what?

Let's dump 'em both. Your name's Lorenzo Vilagairirosa.

'There. You're done.'

Eh, but what about my picture?

[beeps]

Eh, but-but you can hardly see me!

Precisely, Lorenzo.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

I-it's been over an hour, and no one's clicked on my profile!

I knew we shouldn't have included a picture.

What's up, doc?

Daffy set me up

on a d-dating website.

[crunching]

[spits]

Did you ever think to come to me for this kind of thing?

Eh, it d-doesn't matter, anyway.

N-no one's interested.

[beeping]

Uh, Porky? I think someone's interested.

"Hello. I l-like your profile."

[gasps] Wow!

- Eh, t-thanks for your-- - What are you doing?

Don't write her back until you know what she looks like!

[keys clacking]

[gasps] Granny?

Granny's on a dating website?

- That is so sad! - Uh, I'm on a dating website!

- She must be lonely. - Uh, I'm lonely.

Yeah, but she lives in a big house all by herself!

Uh, I live in a big house all by myself!

Uh-h, at least she has pets. Huh?

Em, m-maybe I should get a pet.

What? Pets are for people who have no hope

of finding another adult who will love them.

Huh. Now that I put it that way

you should definitely get a pet.

[instrumental music]

[keys clacking]

[dramatic music]

My computer.

And Lorenzo seemed like such a nice man.

I can't just spend all my time

with a cat and a bird!

Oh, Sylvester!

'Stop chasing Tweety Bird!'

If you need something to do

why don't you play with one of those cat toys I bought you?

[laughs]

Look, Sylvester. It's a mouse!

You're kidding me, right? I can see the string.

Ooh. What about this one?

thwip thwip

And this is fun, because?

Let's see what else I have here.

A pen? Ooh!

Are we going to balance your checkbook? Fun.

whee

[gasps]

[giggling]

[gasps] Where did it go?

[shrieks]

Now it's over there!

How-how did it get over there?

whee whee

[chuckling]

[panting]

It's like a bird, a mouse, and a can of tuna

all mixed up into a perfect red dot!

A-ha! Gotcha!

You're mine. All mine!

I'm never gonna let you go!

'What the..'

Remind me again why we're doing this.

Because she's a little old lady, with no one to keep her company

but a cat and a bird.

So now she's gonna hang out

with a duck and a rabbit?

[scoffs] Seems like a lateral move.

We're her neighbors! It's the right thing to do.

[knocks on door]

- Oh, hello. - Blah, blah, blah, alright.

Knock off the pleasantries, grandma.

We know you're lonely, so let's go

do something and get it over with!

Hmmm. Spending time with a rabbit and a duck?

Instead of a cat and a bird.

- Oh, seems like a lateral move. - Huh?

Oh, I mean, I'd love some company!

I was just about to go sailing!

Sailing? You sail?

[chuckles] Every weekend.

Sailing! This is gonna be fun!

[clicking]

Little air back here?

[engine turns over]

crash

Oh, my!

[clicking]

crash

[clanking]

[instrumental music]

Oh, little red dot!

Where are you?

[whizzing]

squeak

[rustling]

Hmm.

Ahh.

Ahh.

crash

Hmm. Where is that red dot?

Where is that yellow bird?

Take that, you nasty old zombie!

[indistinct shouting]

Aw. He got me.

That makes two of us!

Before you eat me

will you grant me one last request?

I suppose so.

After all, I'm an animal, not a monster.

Will you hand me that?

What? This pen?

[laughs] What are you gonna d?

Write out your last will and testament?

whee

[gasps]

Oh! My red dot is back!

Come on, go get it!

crash

Ooh, it's over there, putty cat!

Oops. I was wrong. It's over there!

bang

thud

Oh! Much improved.

I don't even want it, but I gotta have it!

Uh, I don't even know what it is!

But I need it!

- Huh? - Yoo-hoo!

[whirring]

Mother.

Whoa!

What's wrong with me?

I can't do anything but think about that red dot!

[screams]

[gasps]

Aah!

Aah! Aa-a-ah!

Oh, look! A kitty!

Aah!

[screaming]

I need help!

thud

How fortuitous! How serendipitous!

How propitious!

Best class I ever took.

[instrumental music]

[honking]

[tooting]

Great day in the morning.

I'm gonna be sick, and I'm not even on a boat yet!

clink

We're here. Let's start sailing!

Where's the ocean?

Yard sale-ing!

We should have just let Porky go out with her.

chirp chirp

[creaking]

[instrumental music]

[buzzing]

Ahem.

[music continues]

squeak

Ahem.

You Sylvester? Okay, right this way, baby.

Uh...good luck!

You know, with, uh..

Whatever you're goin' through.

[theme music]

(Speedy) 'Hey, Pinky. Can I tell you something?'

♪ It's Saturday night and I've got a full place ♪

♪ But you're ruining the vibe with your lonely pink face ♪

♪ Sitting alone in a group fit for six ♪

♪ Doing Sudoku won't get you chicks ♪

♪ Hey you're not the most hopeless case in the world ♪

♪ You just have to change your approach to the girls ♪

♪ They do not care about "Dungeons and Dragons" Bro ♪

Creepy!

♪ They do not want to hear about all the spells you know ♪

♪ Do not tell them how many comic books you own ♪

Too many!

♪ If you tell them you will not get them on their phone ♪

♪ So no more spending Friday nights at home ♪

♪ Eating ice cream all alone ♪

♪ Sitting in your easy chair ♪

♪ Beating yourself at Solitaire ♪

♪ I don't care what's on TV ♪

♪ Come hit the town with me ♪

♪ It will be the bomb to meet a girl ♪

♪ That's not your mom-m ♪

♪ You are not allowed to call action figures friends ♪

♪ Get some exercise pull-ups and deep knee bends ♪

♪ Go to parties and show girls just how good you look ♪

♪ Do not stay at home reading Harry Potter books ♪

Groove with me!

♪ Girls like to laugh ♪

♪ And girls like to dance ♪

♪ But most of all girls like guys that wear pants ♪

♪ So let's get some shoes ♪

♪ That don't look like your feet ♪

♪ Grow a beard get a perm ♪

♪ And strut in the street ♪

♪ If you do this you will not longer be a dud ♪

♪ Underneath that nerd I know that there is a stud ♪

♪ Loosen up and try to go out and have some fun ♪

♪ So you're not the creepy guy ♪

♪ At a table for one ♪♪

Hey, Porky. Sorry we're late.

muah

Or maybe just keep doing what you're doing.

[instrumental music]

Old people are the worst.

All they do is sit around

watch TV and eat gross food.

Are you eating porridge?

It's easier on my soft teeth.

creak

Poor granny. She needs some excitement in her life.

- Come on, Daffy. - Ugh!

Fine.

Uh-oh! My hip!

[instrumental music]

splash

[gunshots]

thud

[gunshots]

crash

[siren wailing]

[laughing]

You see, your conscious mind is fixated on the red dot.

Now let's see what's goin' on in your unconscious mind.

You're gettin' very sleepy.

When I snap my fingers, you're gonna be all hypnotized.

This'll never work!

snap

[snoring]

I want you to imagine yourself at home.

You're in your happy place.

'Tell me about your childhood.'

[giggles]

[giggling]

- 'Alan?' - Yes?

- 'Sylvester?' - Yes?

'Supper.'

- Supper! - Supper!

[gasps]

[laughing]

Mother!

[echoing] Mother! Mother!

Mother!

muah

Mm?

It's okay, baby. You figured it out!

It's not the red dot that you want, it's your mama!

I haven't seen here since she retired to Florida!

Well, you need to go see her, honey!

How am I gonna get there?

Child, I'm not a witch for nothin'!

Florida, Florida, Florida!

Mm-mm-mm.

I have got to start askin' for payment upfront.

zing

Ah! Sunny Florida!

Now which one of these condos belongs to my..

Mother?

Who knew living across the street from a lonely old woman

could be so much fun?

What do you think we should do with granny today?

Deep sea fishing or heart yoga.

I was thinking about some old-fashion tackle football!

Ooh!

Oh, you two.

Are you ready for another day of sun?

- Mm? Mm? - Hmm.

Oh, I'm afraid I have other plans.

Other plans? We're your only friends!

Oh, well, it's time for my nap.

Your nap? You go to bed at 4:30 in the afternoon!

Get your jockstrap, granny! We're playin' football.

Are you two trying to kill me?

- What? - What?

Listen, I'm a 90-year-old woman.

I shouldn't be in a kayak.

Well, what do you wanna do? And don't say sailing.

Oh, I think I'd like to just lie on a beach somewhere.

Great, let's do it!

Look, you two are very sweet.

But you're also exhausting.

Heart yoga?

click click

Oh! Sylvester!

So you do know where I live.

That's interesting, considering you never visit me!

- Oh, um, I.. - Close the door!

What, do you want me to air condition all of Florida?

Sorry.

[doorbell rings]

Oh! That's my Alan now.

Sylvester! What a surprise!

How long you in town?

As long as mother will have me.

Well, I wish you would've called

because I have bridge at 11:00, water aerobics at noon

and then Estelle and I walk the mall.

Yeesh. And I thought Tweety's voice was annoying.

Don't you see, baby? It's a textbook case of denial.

Huh?

You want Sylvester to chase you.

I do? I do!

Well, then, what are you waitin' for?

'Florida, Florida, Florida!'

Mm-mm-mm. I done it again!

Isn't that that little yellow bird you used to chase?

You still haven't caught him?

He's smarter than he looks.

Maybe if you'd spent a little less time chasing that bird

you'd have made something of yourself by now.

Why aren't you married?

Where are my grandcats?

And what's with your teeth?

They're all mangled!

You don't wear the retainer, do you?

[Sylvester thinking] Wow. Listen to her go.

What I wouldn't give to be back home with granny.

Chasing that red dot.

The retainer cost a pretty penny.

And all the dentist said was, "If he wears the retainer

'he'll have perfect teeth."'

And did you wear the retainer?

Who needs a red dot when I've got a yellow bird?

Now, if you'll excuse me

it's time for me to go home.

Ah. This is much better.

Although it feels like something's missing.

thud

- Oh! Sylvester? - Granny?

Tweety!

[kisses]

[laughs]

Turns out, I like spending my time

with a cat and a bird.

It's better than spending it with the duck and the rabbit.

Granny's missing out!

[theme music]

ting

meep meep

bang

click click

[drum music]

click

[banging]

thud

bang

thud

thud thud

[panting]

clank

whoosh

creak

[pattering]

[dramatic music]

thud

splash

meep meep

(Porky) 'I d-don't think you understand.'

Eh, y-you're my-my pet.

Uh, I'm supposed to g-give you food.

Not b-be your food.

Eh, d-do you hear me? H-hello?

Bad snake!

[theme music]

Show's over, show's over, show's over!