Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Umh! The only thing better than a third cup of coffee?

A fourth cup of coffee.

[instrumental music]

Come on, we're gonna be late.

- Late for what? - To meet Steve St. James.

- Who? - Steve St. James!

He was the off duty cop on the hit show "Off Duty Cop."

That old TV show about the detective and his butler?

Chauffeur.

Why would a detective have a chauffeur?

Because he was Steve St. James, the detective

who couldn't let justice sleep just because he was off duty.

So he had a chauffeur drive him around

to make justice not sleep.

I need another cup of coffee.

Come on, he's making an appearance at the mall.

I can't. I got a doctor's appointment.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. It's my yearly physical.

When was the last time you got one?

Never. I've never been to the doctor.

I'm the picture of health.

[coughs]

My hip. Ooh! Ooh!

What is that shooting pain?

(Daffy) 'Ah! Numbness. Tingling.'

'Cramping.'

[glass breaks]

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

[stuttering] Thanks for inviting me, Daffy.

Isn't it funny how you're always available?

No matter how last second, you never have other plans.

Like you don't really have a life.

[laughs]

Yeah, that is funny.

N-Now, who's t-this Steve St. James?

Steve St. James.

"Off Duty Cop."

Gimme your phone.

[stuttering] When are you gonna get a phone?

Never. Cell phones are like doctors.

The calling plans are confusing, the buttons are too small.

But, huh?

Just watch this.

[instrumental music]

(Porky) 'Oh, is this the old show'

'about the, the detective and his butler?'

(Daffy) 'Oh! Chauffeur.'

[instrumental music]

(Porky) 'Okay, I get it.'

'I don't need to see any more.'

(Daffy) 'You're missing it.'

[instrumental music]

(Daffy) 'Yeah, give it to him, Steve.'

[instrumental music]

(Porky) 'Eh, does he, does he handcuff everyone he meets?'

(Daffy) 'Shush.'

[instrumental music]

(Porky) 'How long are these opening credits?'

[instrumental music]

[Porky stammering] 'Daffy, I get it.'

'Gimme my phone.'

So to answer your question, that's Steve St. James.

[gasps]

Steve St. James!

Wow! I'm your biggest fan.

Well, thank you very much.

Would you like a signed copy of my book?

Nah, books are like cell phones and doctors.

Takes forever to get an appointment

and I don't have insurance.

Will you sign my beak?

Ugh.

I can't see it.

Sign his face.

"Leslie Hunt?"

Who's she?

I'm Leslie Hunt.

You're Steve St. James.

No, Steve St. James is a character that I played on TV.

- I'm Leslie Hunt. - Who?

I thought you said you were my biggest fan.

I'm Steve St. James' biggest fan.

And you're no Steve St. James.

That's what I said.

That's what I said.

Ugh! I need a cup of coffee.

[instrumental music]

Well, if he's not gonna be Steve St. James, then I will.

Eh, b-b-but, Daffy, that's stealing.

You'd make a great chauffeur.

Ahh.

[humming]

Hello. Don't say it.

- What's up, doc? - He said it.

Are you okay?

You seem a little jittery.

Jittery? I'm not jittery.

If anyone's jittery, you're jittery.

I'm not jittery.

Ahh. So, do I have a clean bill of health?

Everything looks fine.

Great. See you next year.

Whoa. There is just one thing.

I knew it! I knew you were hiding something.

How long do I have?

A year? A month? A day? Am I contagious?

If I'm contagious, then those people need to know.

You owe it to them!

I'm highly contagious!

Run for your lives!

[screaming]

Why didn't you tell me sooner?

What kind of a doctor are you?

You're probably not even a real doctor.

"Syracuse?"

That's a basketball school.

I was just gonna say that

I think you should stop drinking coffee for a while.

You have too much caffeine in your system.

It's what's makin' you so tense.

Oh. Cut out coffee.

No problem. Ahem.

You could probably just tape this.

Oh, right, no caffeine.

[doorbell rings]

I'm sorry to bother you.

But can I just have 30 seconds of your time

to tell you about a product that could change your life?

[doorbell rings]

Sam.

This product differs from other similar products

because of it's unique ingredients.

I'm not interested.

It's like coffee, but without the caffeine.

- What's like coffee? - Spargle.

While coffee leaves you feeling jittery

Spargle will leave you feelin' rested and alert.

When did you get into this racket?

Uh! I needed money quick.

They said they were gonna take my house.

I, I-I mean, uh, I believe in the product.

Tastes weird.

Those are the Spargler berries.

Wow. Could this be working already?

I don't know.

You won't catch me drinkin' that stuff.

- I'll take 'em. - How many?

- All of them. - Cha-ching.

I mean, uh, it'll change your life.

[instrumental music]

[stuttering] Where are we going, Daffy?

I'm no longer Daffy.

I'm Steve St. James, off duty cop.

And we're going wherever justice is sleeping

and needs to be woken up by me, Steve St. James, off duty cop.

So I just keep going straight?

Pull over.

No, park illegally.

More illegally. Like you don't have time to play by the rules.

[sighs]

Ahem.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, sorry.

[instrumental music]

Will you marry me?

(Daffy) 'Freeze.'

- But he was-- - I know what he was doing.

He was stealing your ring

and beautifully placing it in this elegant box.

- No, I was-- - Assaulting her.

And that's a Code 9.

I'm might be off duty, but I'm not off my game.

Looks like your meter's expired.

Call me if you have any more trouble, ma'am.

Day or night. Well, never before 11:00 am.

And don't call after 5:00, and also, when you call

it'll be my roommate's voice on the answering machine.

I don't know how to change it.

Also, I don't know how to access messages.

(Daffy) 'So just keep calling. Anytime.'

'Day or night.'

Between 11:00 and 5:00.

And not on weekends.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[engine starting]

[engine revving]

I have so much energy.

What to do? What to do? What to do?

It's early, but I guess I could make dinner.

Ha ha!

Hmm. Now what?

Oh, there's that book I always wanted to write.

[instrumental music]

The end.

June.. I don't think that's too early

to put up Christmas decorations.

[instrumental music]

Merry Christmas!

Well, I say that was a solid day's work.

Wherever justice tried to sleep, we were there to wake it up.

Good work, chauffeur.

Are you sure the chauffeur doesn't have a name?

Nope, just chauffeur.

[stuttering] Why is your house covered in Christmas decorations?

Isn't it always like that?

Oh, hi. Hey.

I hope you don't mind.

I did a few things around the house.

I painted the garage, I resurfaced the swimming pool.

Oh, and I moved everything

that was in your room into the kitchen.

But if you don't like it. I can move it back, no problem.

I just have three hours left on the treadmill.

But after that, I definitely can move

your stuff back into your bedroom.

Unless you want me to move it into the garage.

I just painted it.

- Are you okay? - Never better.

Never, ever, ever better.

Are you guys itchy?

Huh. I like it.

Closer to the fridge.

So you're saying the chauffeur was in every episode

and they never give him a name?

I'll prove it to you.

St. James, have your chauffeur bring the car around?

He's a human being, chief.

He has a name. Brandon Steel.

Use it.

I do, every time I address him.

Oh, Brandon.

Thank goodness you're here.

Hmm. That was a stupid episode.

Have you guys seen any Spargles that still have Spargle in them?

I'm all out of Spargle and I need some Spargle.

You know what I mean?

- What is wrong with you? - Nothing.

There's nothing wrong with me.

I gotta get more Spargle.

Hee hee hee!

Uhh!

Something tells me justice is about to get a wake up call.

(Bugs) 'Where's the Spargle? He's gotta have it somewhere.'

'Where is it? I think it's here somewhere.'

'Where's the Spargle? Where is it?'

What in tarnation are you doin' in my house?

Oh. Uh, I-I was just.. Uh, I figured I'd stop by.

I saw the window was unlocked.

It seemed like a great time to come over and hang out.

I thought I was the only one

who broke into people's houses to hang out.

Say, you know what goes well with hanging out?

Spargle. Do you have anymore Spargle?

I could really go for some Spargle.

Don't got no more.

- You bought it all. - What?

But I really need it.

I said I don't got no more.

Well, you gotta hook it up.

Uh, I guess I could take you to my supplier.

- 'Let's go now.' - 'Well, fine.'

'Lemme throw on some jeans.'

I said now.

I always knew Bugs was a criminal.

Chauffeur, looks like we're going for a little drive.

[instrumental music]

Hello, darlin'. You probably know me.

I'm a Spargle sales representative.

We have a lot of sales representatives.

Heh heh heh.

Yeah, well, I bet you don't have a lot

that sell a month's supply in one day.

See that guy over there?

The one talking to that plant?

I moved one of the bedrooms into the kitchen

but I think it'd look better in the garage. I just painted it.

Well, thanks to him, your company's about to get rich.

And so am I, 'cause I get four cents on very can.

Freeze!

You're all under arrest.

Daffy, do not blow this deal.

My name is Steve St. James, and you're coming with me.

I'm not goin' anywhere without my Spargle.

Aah!

[instrumental music]

bang

Aah!

[music continues]

[cat shrieking]

(Bugs) 'I just want my Spargle.'

- Put down the pen! - Put down the stapler.

Or I'll write all over the pig's face.

Why does everyone wanna write on my face?

- Just give me my Spargle! - Put down the pen!

[stammering] It's permanent ink!

I said give me my Spa--

- Put it down! - Permanent!

I'm not leavin' here until you give me my Spargle.

I said put it down.

[stuttering] It won't come off!

[whistles]

This is a place of business.

These are hardworkin' people

who simply want to sell a quality product.

What in tarnation is illegal about that?

You're all under arrest.

[screams]

What's goin' on here?

This whole operation's a scam.

These things are filled with

dangerous, highly addictive chemicals.

But what about the Spargler berries?

Somebody get that guy to a doctor.

[sobs]

Am I under arrest?

I'm just a innocent sales representative.

Well, that all depends, did you know

you were selling a dangerous product?

[instrumental music]

Thanks for helpin' out.

I'll take it from here.

Who are you?

Steve St. James, off duty cop.

Arrest this one, too.

What did I do?

You've been impersonating a cop

and handcuffing people all over town.

What about him? He's been impersonating a chauffeur.

That's not illegal.

It's pathetic, but it's not illegal.

Get this guy out of my face.

I'm putting you down as a witness

so I'm gonna need your name, too.

Eh, buh, buh, B-Brandon Steel.

I'm just gonna put chauffeur.

Huh!

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

thud

[instrumental music]

[elevator dings]

[elevator dings]

clank clank

meep meep

[elevator dings]

meep meep

[sighs]

Well, the doctor says

one cup of coffee a day can't hurt.

Ahem.

Do you mind?

[theme music]

That's all, folks.