All language subtitles for T.K..Kirkland.Who.Raised.You.Comedy.Special.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

- [TK] T to the motherfuckin'.

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

- [Rapper] Who raised you?

Crime, mistakes, and these
motherfuckin' bitches.

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Y'all comedians know you've been bitin'

and hatin' on TK's shit for too long.

- I'm a OG.

I'm your GPS, my job is to guide
you in the right direction.

♪ TK said, build a
bridge and got over it ♪

♪ On the spot, but he holdin' it ♪

♪ You control, he controlin' it ♪

- He was in there with all
gangsters, saying crazy shit.

- Destroying it, my nigga.

- Crazy shit though.

♪ Who raised you motherfuckers ♪

♪ They ain't think I was gonna make it ♪

♪ Keep it G to a G. ♪

- This the nigga, you heard me?

And I vouch for that
till the day I d-i-e son.

- My nigga for life baby.

♪ They like to put me on hold, ♪

♪ But this ain't glitter it's gold. ♪

♪ How you gonna say no? ♪

♪ How you don't really know? ♪

- That nigga had the
whole city of Miami say,

"T to the motherfucking K."

- [TK] Yes sir, yes sir (laughs).

- It's the eighties man.
(laughs)

Eighties now.

♪ So, I ain't never change. ♪

♪ Rest in peace till it-- ♪

- For the family, TK Kirkland.

- I already know who you are

(drowned out by background noise)

- Ah, thank you man.
- TJ motherfucking Kirkland!

♪ They said the one that
get it, later get more. ♪

♪ Zip in the 80's ♪

♪ Had Harlem on crazy ♪

♪ Strapped up like the navy ♪

♪ And it's fucked, you pay me ♪

Who raised you?

♪ Who raised you? ♪

- Hey, who raised you man?

- Y'all, tell 'em bae.

- Who raised you?

- There you go my man.

(audience claps and cheers)

- [Rapper] Who raised you motherfuckers?

I guess you 'ain't nobody.

(audience claps and cheers)
(gentle electronic music)

- So Miami, Florida it
smell like domestic violence

and plan B outside.

(audience laughs)

Great motherfuckin' city, and
you all got the hurricanes

and you niggers won't move!

(audience laughs)

Irma came to this motherfucker,
Maria came through

and you motherfuckers still
go back to the same place

y'all know and in two more
years them motherfuckers

are gonna come back through here.

I just don't motherfuckin' understand.

And then we have problems
with these relationship,

we have problems with
people doin' their thing.

We got niggers out here slingin'
dick like they successful.

(audience laughs)

You got niggers dickin' bitches down

like they got money in the bank.

(audience laughs)

And you need to just know
your financial situation

is fucked up.

But yet you still approach a bitch

and you about to destroy her life.

(audience laughs)

Some of you niggers so fucked
up, you bring a bitch home

to your apartment and a lot of you niggers

don't have a bedroom set.

(audience laughs)

You have a mattress on the floor.

(audience laughs)

With a towel over the window

well think of that as your curtain.

Nigger, who raised you?

(audience laughs)
(audience claps and cheers)

A lot of you niggers wanna fuck all night,

but a lot of you niggers
don't even have snacks!

(audience laughs)

What nigger fucks all night
and don't have snacks?

(audience laughs)

Bitches love snacks.

(audience laughs)

When a girl get up and pee
about four thirty in the mornin,

she looks through your cabinets.

She comes back to the bedroom
scratchin' her titties,

"Honey, do you have any snacks?"

A lot of you guys like
gettin' your dick sucked

but you have nappy hair on your balls.

(audience laughs)

Nigger take a picture of your balls.

(audience laughs)

Would you suck your balls?

(audience laughs)

Who raised you?

A lot of you niggers is over
25, you don't have a car.

A bitch picked you up tonight.

You got on the passenger
side, she locked the door,

she told you to put your seatbelt on.

(audience laughs)

Nigger, who raised you?
- [Audience] Who raised you?

- A lot of you niggers here
moved in with your bitch.

Let me repeat it.

A lot of you niggers that are
here moved in with your bitch.

Where I'm from that's considered
a weak nigger, nigger.

What's so fucked up, you niggers moved in

and you didn't have luggage!

(audience laughs)

You came with a hefty bag!

What grown ass man don't
have motherfuckin' luggage?

Nigger, who raised you?
- [Audience] Who raised you?

- 'Cause these niggers
done got lazy hadn't they?

Bitch ass, motherfuckin' niggers.

(audience claps and cheers)

Y'all got soft over the
motherfuckin' years.

You got bitches talkin' back to niggers.

I've never seen so much fuckin' disrespect

in my fuckin' life.

Where hoes talkin' back to niggers.

I come from a era where Jim Brown

was throwin' bitches off a balcony.

(audience laughs)

You got niggers out here bein'
bitches, bitches is puttin'

you out of their motherfuckin' house.

And video tapin' the shit now.

(audience laughs)

You bitch ass, motherfuckin'
niggers, you soft.

This is why this sexual harassment shit

has gotten the fuck out of hand.

'Cause you niggers ain't
chokin' these bitches.

(audience laughs)

You got to choke these
motherfuckers y'all!

Bitches going back 30
motherfuckin' year on a nigger.

Nigger's got his fuckin' life
together, got kids and shit,

going to church all the motherfuckin' time

and bitches going back, talkin' about,

"Oh, the nigger touched my
titty in motherfuckin' 1979,

might be '82."

(audience laughs)

And ain't nobody sayin'
shit about the shit,

the hoes just gettin'
carried away with the shit,

'cause you niggers ain't
bein' man about the shit.

You don't see them hoes doin' that shit

to no gangster niggers.

Let a bitch say TK Kirkland
touch my pussy in 1978,

I bet you the bitch come up missin'!

(audience laughs)

I bet you a million dollars.

(audience claps)

The bitch come up missin'.

They be in court, "We
can't find the witness!"

(audience laughs)

"We can't find the witness!"

Then you got situations like Bill Cosby.

Cosby goin' to jail y'all!

Bill Cosby is going to motherfuckin' jail

and I feel sorry for him,
'cause I grew up in his era.

The nigger had the big
afro, the thick mustache,

you know so he had the cigar
and shit and all the nigger

had to say, "Jell-O, Puddin' Pops."

To the bitch.

(audience laughs)

Hoes is fuckin' for free
now, you mean to tell me

you gotta put bitch pills
in a bitch drink or whatever

and you couldn't say no smooth shit like,

"Jell-O, Puddin' Pops."

(audience laughs)

Who raised you nigger?

(audience laughs)

Because most men think
they entitled to pussy,

but you gotta work nigger.

Pussy is for niggers who
account for something.

If you haven't accomplished nothin' nigger

you don't deserve to fuck.

(audience claps)

Half you niggers in here are fuckin'

and you lied on your application!

(audience laughs)

If you ain't got $25,000 in
your motherfuckin' account,

you don't deserve no pussy nigger.

And I'm keepin' it motherfuckin' real.

Look at niggers lookin' around, "Ahh?"

(audience laughs)

And it's just some real
motherfuckin' shit,

'cause women need to be taken out.

They like to go shoppin' nigger.

You niggers don't even take
your bitch motherfuckin'

shoppin', fuck raised
you bitch ass niggers?

You think you're players,

all these niggers think they're players.

You know these niggers
fuck everybody in the city,

as soon as they bitch fuck somebody else,

this nigger wanna kill everybody!

(audience laughs)

Who raised this nigger?

Why would you do that when
there's a group of college

bitches graduatin' in June?

(audience laughs)

It's a whole new team comin' out here!

And these niggers is
willin' to die over pussy,

is you out your motherfuckin' mind?

But they do it though.

What's so crazy ladies, the
niggers go find the nigger

that you fucked.

Sometimes they kill the nigger.

Sometimes these niggers
come back, kill the bitch.

Some of these niggers kill
the nigger, kill the bitch,

then they kill themselves.

(audience laughs)

Triple homicide!

(audience laughs)

Who raised this nigger?

(audience laughs)

Why would you do that, when
there's a group of college

bitches graduatin' in June?

(audience laughs)

'Cause niggers don't understand
the code of being a player.

See you gotta have a certain
type of mind to be a player,

family, you know?

I came up in the era where
rich niggers had side bitches,

not broke niggers.

(audience laughs)

Broke niggers walkin'
around, talkin' about,

"I gotta a side bitch."

Then you got niggers
testifyin' how they got caught

on social media.

Niggers don't do that type of shit!

Side bitches was the type
of woman that you fucked

on the side, the bitch
stayed low key, quiet.

You took her shoppin', even
if you was gonna fly to

The Bahamas with the
bitch, at the last minute

your main bitch wanted to
do something with the kids,

you tell that bitch go
and have a good time,

I got shit to do.

Bitch is goin' there, have a good time,

get to sneak in some dick
with a Jamaica type nigger.

(audience laughs)

And come back, everybody's still cool.

(audience laughs)

You know what I'm sayin'?

Bitches don't find out about
each other until the funeral,

we don't talk on social media.

(audience laughs)

You let them hoes figure it out, you gone!

(audience laughs)

And ladies if this ever happens to you,

don't get mad at the nigger
that you think played you,

the nigger didn't play you.

You know how difficult it is
to raise two motherfuckin'

families and send children to school?

And both you hoes lived around
the corner from each other?

(audience laughs)

It's complicated, I wouldn't
wish that on nobody!

(audience laughs)

So, in the nigger's death,
celebrate his death,

and care each other.

Get the kids together, y'all go out

and let the kids walk to school.

The nigger did what he was supposed to do

and that's the way it's
supposed to go now.

That's the way it's supposed to go,

'cause there ain't no loyalty
with these women, you know?

I'm a single nigger, I fly
to town I wanna take a bitch

shoppin', I wanna eat your
pussy and I wanna give you

a few dollars, that's
how I do it, you know?

Now most hoes don't have
loyalty 'cause I tell you before

I come to town,

"Look, I'm be in town
on Thursday, the nigger

"that you fuckin' with, let him know,

'Hey, I need three or four
days, TK comin' to town.'"

(audience laughs)

"And don't fuck a nigger
for about seven, 10 days,

"'cause I like to eat pussy,

"and I don't want bacteria
comin' back on you know."

(audience laughs)

Hey, if you in that game you
gotta really understand it.

But these young bitches is
losin' respect for the game.

I'm in the bitch house, cookin'
a sandwich, you know fixin'

a sandwich, lettuce and
tomatoes, slightly toasted

a little cranberry
juice, I don't want much.

(audience laughs)

I walk in the bitch room,
I tell the bitch a joke

and the nigger under
the bed start laughin'!

(audience laughs)
(audience claps)

I'm like, "Bitch, who raised you?"

(audience laughs)

Get this nigger the fuck outta here!

So I'm layin' in the bed with
the bitch, I like snugglin'

with bitches, a lot of you
niggers don't like snugglin',

I snuggle with bitches.

Especially if you got a fat dick

and the bitch got high blood pressure.

(audience laughs)

You put a fat dick on
a big back and diabetes

and high blood pressure
go down tremendously,

look it up, Google it.

(audience laughs)

Oh the bitch snugglin', baby say,

"Oh, TK you love me, you snugglin'."

"No bitch, I heard you still,

"that's why I was allowed
to toast something."

(audience laughs)

'Cause bitches is always somewhere else,

they ain't supposed to be in the house.

Every time I wake up,
bitch is in the other side,

I was like, "Yo, bitch why
the fuck you way over there?

"Get your ass in here, to the bathroom,

"to the bed, that's it!

"Let me wake up again
bitch, I'm gonna shoot you

"if you on the other
side of the motherfucker.

"Don't be walkin' on the other side

"of the motherfucker house."

(audience laughs)

'Cause hoes be thinkin'
they can run shit!"

(audience laughs)

You can't run no motherfuckin'
shit, niggers want women

who listen, we don't want you to obey,

we want you to listen.

If I say, "Duck."

I don't want you to say, "Why?"

'Cause now you got shot,
we in the hospital.

(audience laughs)

"Bitch I said duck."

(audience laughs)

That's why I want me a woman
like The Statue of Liberty,

because that bitch listened to a man.

It's not your fault you
don't know your history,

'cause the white man
done tricked us so bad,

we been studyin' their
history so motherfuckin' long,

so let me put you up on game.

Years ago, (audience laughs)
The Statue of Liberty

and her nigger was walkin'
through The Hudson River.

The nigger stopped and
turned around and said,

"Bitch, wait here and I'll get back."

(audience laughs)

And the bitch been there every since.

(audience laughs)

And what's so fly, she
snuck away and got a torch,

just in case that the nigger
came back at night time,

(audience laughs)

he could find her motherfuckin' ass.

And that's the type of shit you want.

And you dealin' with this type of shit.

It's a certain way, you
supposed to be a player.

A lot of you niggers are
fuckin' another nigger's girl

and you won't get the nigger nothin'.

(audience laughs)

Did you hear what I said?

A lot of you niggers will
fuck another nigger's girl

and you won't get the nigger nothin'.

Who raised you?

(audience laughs)

If I fucked any nigger bitch in here

and she fly out to Turks and
Caicos nigger, San Francisco,

L.A. when she come back,
she comin' back with gifts,

(audience laughs)

For you!

(audience laughs)

What the fuck I look like
dickin' your bitch down

and you don't get a few things.

(audience laughs)

It's disrespectful, I can't
have it on my conscience,

I wasn't raised that way.

(audience laughs)

And if I found out that you went to jail,

I'm a come by the jail and
put somethin' on your books.

(audience laughs)

You gotta have phone privileges,
you have to have snacks.

(audience laughs)

And when I find out your release date,

I'm a give your bitch a few thousand.

'Cause I did what I was supposed to do,

I gave back to the community.

(audience laughs)

'Cause that what real
nigger's supposed to do.

(audience claps)

And then you got niggers
out here who take care

other nigger's kids.

Gotta be one of the most hardest things

a man puts himself into.

'Cause most niggers lie,
to be in a relationship,

'cause half the niggers in
here, ladies you ain't the bitch

he really wanted to be with.

Did you know that?

Look at the nigger and
ask him, "Is that true?"

(audience laughs)

'Cause all these niggers
in here lie, all of 'em.

You gotta be built a certain type of way

to raise another nigger's kids.

You gotta be mentally in
love and partially retarded.

(audience laughs)

'Cause why would you do that
when there's a group of college

bitches graduatin' in June?

(audience laughs)

It's a whole new team comin' out here!

'Cause niggers lie 'cause they think

that's what the girl
wants, "I wanna marry you."

Sometimes bitches wanna be out.

They don't wanna get married,
"I want this to be my family."

"Nigger your paper ain't right to carry

another nigger's family."

'Cause sooner or later
nigger, you gonna get caught,

sooner or later, you gonna be
at the barber shop one day,

you're gonna have your son
and you're gonna have her son

and your money ain't gonna be right.

(audience laughs)

And you gonna have to show favoritism.

(audience laughs)

And you gonna be like,

"Give my son a fade and just line him up."

(audience laughs)

Now there's confusion because you out here

lyin' about what you can
do and what you can't do.

A lot of you guys are in relationships

and you don't take your girls shoppin'.

If your bitch watch is fucked up nigger,

you supposed to upgrade her watch game.

If her bag game is fucked up,

real niggers upgrade the girl's bag game.

If a bitch got a fucked up
car, nigger if you fuckin' her

get the bitch some brakes.

(audience laughs)

I love takin' a woman shoppin'.

I love it, ain't nothin' like a bitch

comin' through the mall
with bags, smellin' good.

You know, you lookin' good,
but bitch if we break up

I want all my shit back.

(audience laughs)

Now some women think that's fucked up, no,

when they trade you from
one team to another,

don't you get back the uniform?

(audience laughs)

Same rules apply.

(audience laughs)

And if I go out and I see
you with another nigger

and you got on a dress that I bought you,

I'm a holler at the nigger.

(audience laughs)

I'll be, "Yo, can I speak
to you for a minute?

"How you doin' brother,
it's a pleasure to meet you.

"Listen, me and this bitch
broke up about three weeks ago."

(audience laughs)

"I don't know how that bitch
got the dress out the house?"

(audience laughs)

"But that bitch ain't leavin'
here tonight with the dress.

"You go over there and tell
her, and y'all get some napkins

"put on the bitch or whatever."

(audience laughs)

"But the bitch ain't leavin' here with

that motherfuckin' dress."

If I'm buy a bitch titties and
if she got with a new nigger,

she at the restaurant, she
got the titties pushed up,

and the nigger eatin' and
he got the goo goo eyes.

I'm a holler at the nigger,

"Yo, can I speak to you for a minute?"

(audience laughs)

"How you doin' brother, listen
you see them titties right?

"They nice, right?

"They got the teardrop,
they're teardrop titties,

"I need you, nigger wants
a real, I need you to pay

"for at least one of them
motherfuckin' titties."

(audience laughs)

Because when you take over another female,

sometimes fellas you got
to inherit the other bill.

And that's what real bein' a player about.

If you really that type of
nigger, understand what the fuck

you gettin' into, if not,
leave the female alone, period.

I'm gonna give a shout out
to all the women in here

who don't believe in sit-ups.

(audience laughs)

Let me repeat it, I wanna give
a shout out to all the women

in here who don't believe in sit-ups.

You like "Fuck the
treadmill, fuck a salad,

"fuck going for a walk."

Well this is the way you
feel, why do you wear a belt

around the stomach like
we don't see the fat.

(audience laughs)

What type of superhero is this?

(audience laughs)
(audience claps)

Every time I see a bitch
with a belt on I go,

"Da, da, da, da! I'm a stomach hero."

(audience laughs)

Hate to see a woman with a cheap weave,

'cause cheap weaves leaves evidence.

Hate to see a woman with a
wig, 'cause that means the hair

underneath the wig is not
done, means you're lazy.

I'm in Vegas and I snatch up
a fine bitch after the show,

'cause I'm successful,
I'm a thousand nigger,

this is what I do.

(audience laughs)

So we go back to the hotel
and I think it's appropriate

that you wash your ass
before you have sex,

I was just raised properly.

But me bein' in the street nigger,

when I get out of the shower
I notice out of my peripheral

vision there's a different
bitch on the couch.

(audience laughs)

I don't make eye contact, was
go to the closet, get the gun,

hide it behind my towel
and I rush the bitch,

"Yo bitch, raise up, where
the bitch I met at the club?"

She's like, "TK, who raised you?"

(audience laughs)

I'm like, "Bitch, put the wig back on,

"you can't be two people in
the same motherfuckin' night?"

"Bitch who raised you?"

And I don't give a fuck how fat
a woman's ass is in the club

or how handsome a man looks
in the club, a relationship

cannot get serious until you
see how one lives at home.

So, since I have never lived with a man,

I can only tell you about a woman.

Ladies a lot of y'all have not upgraded

your facecloth game in years.

Let me repeat it, a lot of
you hoes have not upgraded

your facecloth game in years.

I'm over the woman's house,
I'm tryin' to take a shower,

I notice there's no fresh
soap, no facecloths,

I pulled back the shower
curtain, I said, "Excuse me."

(audience laughs)

"Can I have a fresh facecloth?"

Here this bitch come
back with a very thin,

very cheesy facecloth.

I hold it under the water,

it lose all it's motherfuckin' color!

(audience laughs)

I said, "Yo, bitch, upgrade
your facecloth game!"

Now there's a soap dish,

why ain't there no motherfuckin' soap?

Here this bitch come back
with six little itty,

bitty pieces of soap.

(audience laughs)

"Bitch, what you want me to
do with these six little itty,

"bitty pieces of soap?"

She said, "Hold it under the hot water

"and mold it into one bar of soap."

(audience laughs)

"Bitch, who raised you?"

Ladies if a man ever gets out
your shower you see lint balls

in his chest hair, lint
balls on his arms, lint balls

in his pubic hair, bitch,
upgrade your towel game!

Some of you ladies
blanket game is fucked up.

Let me repeat it, some
of you hoes blanket game

is fucked up.

You have a king sized mattress,

but you have a queen sized blanket!

(audience laughs)

I'm layin' in the bitch's
bed, I can't put my legs out

straight 'cause my legs is
longer than the blanket.

I could play all night
but my toes bein' cold,

bitch gets mad at me, gets outta the bed,

pulls the blanket down
so my feet could be warm.

"Yo bitch, my upper body is freezin' now!

"You don't have two
blankets in the house?"

(audience laughs)

Who raised you?

'Cause I hate broke women, I swear to god,

I hate a broke bitch.

No offense to you women out here,

I mean unless you're broke.

(audience laughs)

'Cause y'all hate broke niggers, right?

We hate broke bitches,
so since I got the mic,

I'm a keep it real from a
young nigger perspective.

'Cause a lot of women
like to attitudinize,

that means to assume.

A lot of women think that when a nigger

pick you up for a date, we supposed to pay

for every motherfuckin' thing.

Fuck that, I don't give
a fuck if I got 1,500

in my glove compartment.

You bring $68 with your ass.

(audience laughs)

What happens if I get robbed,

how the fuck we goin' get home?

(audience laughs)

My philosophy is, you handle local shit,

I handle state and federal,
that's how we get down

in this motherfucker, right?

(audience laughs)

'Cause you want a woman that can bring

something to the motherfuckin' table.

Most women live by the
pussy, see most bitches

wanna give a nigger pussy
all the motherfuckin' time.

Niggers get tired of fuckin'.

Miss can you take care of your
nigger when he get dementia,

when the nigger get laid off?

(audience laughs)

Can you suck my dick early in the mornin'

before you go to work and leave $40?

(audience laughs)

So, when I get up around
one thirty a nigger can go

get something from Subway, some chips,

a little diet coke and stuff.

That's what niggers want.

Bitches that'll hold it down
for a nigger when he fall off.

Niggers needs that type of shit
in their motherfuckin' life.

'Cause it's hard datin'.

Say are you married young man?

No, you not married?

I see you got a tooth missin' sir.

(audience gasps)

Now have you noticed that
when you brush your teeth,

you had a tooth missin'?

(audience laughs)

Right, you don't have a dental plan?

51 years old, right?

(audience laughs)

You about to die, you ain't
got time for any bullshit.

You gonna go see a doctor
as soon as we leave here,

I got a dentist in the house,
all right you got ninety.

You strong and everything,
get your toothpicks,

that's disrespectful.

(audience laughs)

Don't do that, don't do that.

He smilin' like I ain't gonna say nothin'.

"You got a tooth missin'."

What's your name sir?

Ace, that's your wife?

How long you all been married?

10 years, are you happy Ace?

Are you really happy?

I'm a ask you again Ace.

(audience laughs)

Are you really happy?

Do you love her?

Do you really love her Ace?

Will you die for her?

Did I kill you first?

(audience laughs)

Why do men say that shit?

Why do men always have to die for my girl?

It ain't in the bible?

(audience laughs)

So why would they say that
when there's a group of college

bitches graduatin' in June?

(audience claps)

There's a whole team comin' out here.

And this nigger's willing
to die on some pussy,

you fool Ace.

You think she gonna die for you?

You out your motherfuckin' mind!

(audience laughs)

Are you that fucked up in the head man?

(audience laughs)

This the shit that I'm
talkin' about, and I get it

pussy gets some powerful shit

if it falls into the wrong hands.

(audience laughs)

If it falls into the wrong hands,

you niggers get caught up you know.

'Cause I get it, you
know, you layin' in bed

and you put your dick up in
a girl and go, "Eh, eh, eh!"

You niggers quiet, you
ain't never did that here?

You never put a thick dick in
a bitch and go, "Eh, eh, eh!"

You still quiet now nigger?

And you fucked her real
good and the bitch moaned.

And she starts sayin' that
shit, "It's your pussy daddy."

And you go, "What?"

(audience laughs)

"It's your pussy daddy."

You niggers really believe that shit!

(audience laughs)

You niggers really think it's your pussy!

Nigger, I don't give a fuck if
you've been married 10 years

or 20 years, it's never your pussy.

It's just your motherfuckin'
turn, understand.

(audience groans)

It's just your turn,
let's stop this bullshit.

(audience claps)

Nigger's fallin' in love,
I'm a die for my bitch.

(audience laughs)

Out your motherfuckin' mind, that shit.

(audience laughs)

What's your name young
man, what's your name?

- [Cornelius] Cornelius.
- Cornelius.

All right, you played in the movie Matrix?

(audience laughs)

What do you do for a livin'?

- Sell cars.

- [TK] Sell cars, who old are you?

- 56.

- 56, so you're about to die too.

(audience laughs)

- [TK] Are you good at what you're doin'?

- Yes.

- All right, how long
you been sellin' cars?

Okay and that's your wife too?

- That's my girlfriend.

- That's your girlfriend?

That's your woman, you're too
old to be sayin' girlfriend.

All right, you got life insurance?

(audience laughs)

You eat pussy?

(audience laughs)

You don't look like you eat pussy.

Your neck structure
looks like you're weak.

(audience laughs)

You got diabetes?

'Cause your hands look swollen,
you ain't got diabetes?

(audience laughs)

You got a lot of water in your fingers,

ain't nobody tell you that?

When the last time you been to the doctor?

It's been a while, God told me to tell you

to go to the doctor.

That's why you sent me here,

"TK the nigger with diabetes in his hands,

"tell that nigger go to the doctor."

Now do you love this young lady too?

- Yes.

- What's your name beautiful?

- Chakima.

- Chakima, what do you do for a livin'?

- Occupational therapy.

- Occupational therapy and
do you suck dick darlin'?

You do, I know you do, your
neck structure's phenomenal.

(audience laughs)

Are you a squirter?

- What?

- Are you a squirter?

- No.

- No, you look like a squirter.

You don't know what that is?

You ain't teachin' her nothin' yet?

Who raised you?

(audience laughs)

You sellin' 20 cars, you ain't
teachin' bitch how to squirt?

I'm disappointed in you Cornelius.

(audience laughs)

Did you take the green
pill or the blue pill?

(audience laughs)

Step your game up Corne she's been--

How old are you baby?

36, your ass done that time,
you 50 something years old?

You don't take care of yourself,

you got erectile disfunction?

(audience laughs)

Look at me, do you have
erectile disfunction?

(audience laughs)

You look like you got
erectile disfunction.

Are you able to get on
top of him and ride him?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I don't believe you.

(audience laughs)

Ladies a nigger, if you ever
try to get on top of a nigger

and a nigger say, "No!"

And he flip you over real quick,
'cause dick can't get hard

the way he want it to.

As long as he can get the
stroke in, that's important.

'Cause every woman in
here deserves 750 strokes.

Let me repeat it, when you
got sex with your girl,

she deserves 750 strokes.

Look at the women lookin' around,

"I've never had 750 strokes?"

(audience laughs)

"I had nine, maybe 11."

They lookin' at the girl, "You had 750?"

"No, I never had 750 strokes."

But after 51, most men start
losin' 27 strokes a month.

(audience laughs)

I'm 57 years old.

I'm down to nine strokes.

(audience laughs)

So when I meet women,
they think I'm on pussy,

like I just wanna talk, 'cause I'm waitin'

for my numbers to roll back on.

So once I get to 750 bitch,
I'm a fuck the hell out y'all,

that's what you gotta do.

We havin' a crazy situation
with Donald Trump, right?

Politics, politics, most
people talk about politics.

I really don't really fuck with it,

but I just like to try
something different.

But when I sit back and I
watch Donald Trump, I'm like,

"You know what, this motherfucker
runnin' The White House

"like a temp agency and
this shit is insane."

(audience laughs)

Now, I always tell people that
you know most black African

Americans we talk a lotta
shit, that we hashtag people.

We hashtag Black Lives
Matter, we hashtag that

but ain't nobody in this
motherfucker willin' to go get on

the plane or a van and go up an

crack this nigger in the head.

So, until we do that,
I don't wanna hear shit

from a motherfucker.

(audience claps)

You hear me?

We street niggers, we
took a L on this one.

In 2020 we get our
motherfuckin' money right,

our heads right and we
goin' in and vote and try

and get the nigger out of office.

Right now we gotta take the L.

(audience claps)

'Cause white people are losin',
I see all the white people

in here, thank you for comin'.

(audience laughs)

Very disappointed in you guys.

(audience laughs)

You know you took over a country
that didn't belong to you,

you killed all the
Indians, I'm 57 years old,

I still ain't seen a motherfuckin' Indian!

(audience laughs)

What did y'all do with the Indians?

They made us study their language

and they goin' around killin' people.

They go to the schools, their
kids is killin' each other,

they go to Vegas, they're
shootin' each other the fuck up,

you can't enjoy yourself.

They wrappin' bombs around now,

so this is what we're gonna do.

I really had this show tonight
to get as many white people

in the building as possible.

(audience laughs)

We gonna hold the white people hostage.

(audience laughs)

Until we figure this shit out.

Because we gotta find out
what the fuck is in the water

that's drivin' us crazy,
excuse me, excuse me young man.

(audience laughs)

I need you for one second.
(audience laughs)

One second, come and sit
here, have a seat for me.

(audience laughs and claps)

Listen, let another motherfucker get up

and don't raise their hand.

You got me fucked up man,
you tryin' to go the bath,

raise your motherfuckin' hand.

You need to go to the bath, get on okay,

go ahead just give him
a round of applause.

(audience claps)

Yeah, you can go now.

- [Audience Member] Who raised you?

- Yeah, that's right, who raised you?

(audience member keeps talking)

- No, no, no, ain't nobody
asked you nothin' nigger,

just take your ass to the bathroom now.

(audience laughs)

Let another motherfucker get
up, I see a lot of material.

(audience laughs)

What's your name young man?

Greg what you do for a livin'?

You're retired?

And that's your girl?

- My wife.
- Oh, your wife.

Okay how long y'all been married?

- About 10 years.

- Oh, okay, this your second marriage?

- Third.

Third, yeah you look like
you can't keep a bitch.

(audience laughs)

Now why you get a divorce
from the other two?

What was it about you
that you didn't know?

'Cause I know it's your fault.

(audience laughs)

It's your fault, yeah so what
did you do, and be honest.

- I don't know.

- You don't know, did you cheat?

- No.

- You never cheated.

(audience shouts)

I was waitin' for you to
say something 'cause God

sent me over here to question
your motherfuckin' ass.

So you cheated, did you have a baby

outside the relationship?

- No.

- No, was she a real side chick?

(audience groans)

Never, what you don't think you could be

the side chick maybe?

You wasn't but you been
a side chick before,

yeah I can tell, I can
look at you and tell

you been a side chick.

I mean 'cause you're beautiful,

you got successful shoulders.

(audience laughs)

You do have successful shoulders!

You suck dick right?

Don't you suck dick?
- Yes.

- Yeah, look at you, I know
everything about you baby.

(audience laughs)

And what's funny, women are like,

"Oh my god, I can't
believe he's sayin' it."

See this is what's crazy,
see a lot of you women

forget that years ago you all was hoes.

(audience laughs)

And God sent me here
today to be a messenger.

(audience laughs)

God said, "TK tell them
hoes that I ain't forget

"shit they did 30 years ago."

And when you got there
right now you think God

is on your side 'cause you gettin' older

and you think you're gonna
get straight into heaven,

no it don't work that way!

When you die you gotta
fill out some paperwork.

(audience laughs)

And then the ushers come and
get you and they take you

into this room and then like,

"Roll the tape angels, roll the tape!"

(audience laughs)

And some of you hoes are like,

"Stop the tape, stop the tape!

"I don't wanna see the tape
no more, stop the tape!"

And my point bein' there's
nothing wrong with being a hoe

and that's why I was talkin'
about sexual harassment.

We have all been something
fucked up 30 years ago,

but we all got our lives
together and moved forward.

'Cause most women lose
because most of you women

think with your pussy.

You aint' really got too
much to offer a nigger,

so I'll tell any bitch in
here pussy's overrated.

If your pussy can't leap off
your hips and go to the ATM

and get a nigger $20, (audience laughs)

you got some average motherfuckin' pussy.

And If you can do that,
I wanna meet your Momma,

'cause I know she droppin' fifties.

Because where I'm from,
it's about comin' up.

I don't know how the fuck
I get down here, fly,

where I'm from it's about comin' up.

I'm the type of nigger, if
I'm broke, my bitch broke,

hook me up with your girl.

I'm the type of nigger, if
I'm over your Momma house

and your Momma got it
goin' on and she gettin' up

early in the mornin' and jog
four or five miles a day.

Your child isn't doing shit
your life, you're on Instagram,

Facebook, Twitter tryin' to
be something that you're not.

And I happened to walk
in the kitchen one day

and I see your Momma gettin'
out the shower, and I note

her titties was in fairly
decent shape and she didn't have

that many stretch marks on her ass.

I'm a fuck your Momma on the rear.

(audience laughs)

Don't be mad at me, why
should I have to sleep in the

basement when I can be
upstairs in the master bedroom?

(audience laughs)

And I'm a real nigger too,
once I know I'm gonna do it

with your Momma, I'm a tell you
that I'm fuckin' your Momma.

Soon as you come back
from the store I'm like,

"Look can I talk to you in
the baby's room for a minute?"

(audience laughs)

"Me and your Momma have been
fuckin' for about six or seven

"months and I been hittin' her pussy

"abou 12, one o'clock every other day.

"But when I've gone to sleep
I notice you been creepin' in

"about four, five o'clock
in the mornin' and you been

"slammin' the door.

"And you been wakin' me and your Momma up

"and we don't appreciate
this motherfuckin' shit."

(audience laughs)

"Now you need to start
showin' some respect for this

"motherfuckin' household
young lady, you know what?

"Matter of fact, I'm uncomfortable
with you still livin'

"here with me and your Momma."

(audience laughs)

"I'm a give you 30 days
to get your shit together,

"you don't like what I'm
sayin', I'll be upstairs

"with your Momma, 'cause
that's the type of nigger I am,

"T to the motherfuckin' K."

(audience claps and cheers)

'Cause I (drowned out by cheers)

'Cause I don't believe in girlfriends,

I see niggers in here cuffin' their bitch,

destroyin' their life, I
don't believe in girlfriends.

That's the word niggers came
up with to hold onto a bitch

while they fuck everybody else in town.

I ain't got time for that
emotional bonding type shit,

my philosophy is if I'm with you that day,

that motherfuckin' day, I'm your man.

Now if you need Rexsol from
the mall, you've asked me

that day, that motherfuckin'
day, 'cause you can ask me

tomorrow 'cause I'm a
be with somebody else,

you understand what I'm sayin'?

'Cause that's just the
type of nigger I am,

T to the motherfuckin' K."

But when I'm with you that
day, I won't even speak to

another bitch, I won't
even look at another hoe,

I swear to God.

But when you see me out
tomorrow with my other bitch,

don't even speak to me.

(audience laughs)

That's her motherfuckin' time,
you show me the same respect,

and consideration I
showed your ass yesterday

when we was together, that's all the fuck

a nigger tryin' to say.

'Cause most of you women
have been number two or three

in your lifetime in a relationship,
but y'all start causin'

problems with the main
bitch around the holidays,

but bitch when I draft you I
told you your motherfuckin'

position, I said,

"Box out, rebound, pass
the motherfuckin' bar."

This is what the fuck I said.

Now you comin' down the
course shootin' threes,

"Bitch who called that play?"

(audience laughs)

"Time out bitch, come here!"

"You can't be callin' your
own motherfuckin' play,

"sit down!, I'm tryin'
to win the championship."

We talkin' about you
ladies, you're losin',

you're out here suckin' dick,
I'm lookin' around the room,

I don't see no Rolex, I don't
see no half a carat earrings

on none of you bitches.

(audience laughs)

And you been suckin' dick for years.

You mean to tell me that
the man that you fuckin'

and dick you suck all the time
and some of y'all swallow,

couldn't put nothin' on lay away at Jared?

(audience laughs)

Who raised you bitches?

(audience laughs)

You hoes I hear are fuckin' niggers

without a debit card.

(audience laughs)

You hoes I hear are fuckin' niggers

you don't even know their real name?

Fuckin' niggers with a credit score 419,

who raised you bitches?

It's your choices ladies.

- [Audience Member] Love you TK!

- You see me talkin'.

(audience laughs)

I see it's the devil
tryin' to throw me off,

don't want me to give y'all the message.

And before I get into
that, I know you guys knows

I say the words motherfucker,
nigger and bitch in my show.

Well let me say something
to you from a brother

of the streets of Compton

by way of Jersey City, New Jersey,

motherfucker's a noun
in the black community,

because it describes a
person, place, or thing.

(audience laughs)

Nigger's just a word to
help me get my point across,

so there's any white people here sayin',

"Why we call each other nigger?

"Or black, we think it's fucked up."

I even use the word nigger,

this is the way real niggers
talk on a street level,

this is what you call a black dialect.

'Cause I don't want any of
y'all to be on the street

tomorrow and say, "Yo, nigger come here,

"I saw T to the
motherfuckin' K last night."

You're liable to get your ass whooped,

I don't wanna be responsible
for that type of shit.

(audience laughs)

And to the ladies, bitch
is just an adjective

to help me express my point of view

for you sophisticated motherfuckers.

'Cause a bitch in my world
means beautiful, intelligent,

tantalizing, charming and horny
all the motherfuckin' time."

(audience cheers)

Bitch in your world kinda
means boring, inconsiderate,

trouble confusing hoe.

(audience laughs)

So, hoes where do you all wanna be?

"I wanna be in your world TK!"

Yeah, right, good choice, you're startin',

you're gettin' there,
youre' gettin' there.

Lotta shit on my mind.

I was readin' the paper yesterday

and stink pussy is on the
rise in South Florida.

(audience laughs)

I couldn't believe what I was readin'!

In The Miami Herald, you
know what I'm sayin',

"Stink pussy's on the rise in Florida."

Four out of seven women here right now.

(audience laughs)

Four out of seven, pussy stinks.

What's crazy ladies is that
you're an adult and a lot of you

don't know how to get rid of stink pussy.

You try to use soap and
water, you can't use soap

and water to get rid of stink pussy,

you have to go to the doctor.

And you have to use flagyl doxycycline,

and you gotta take that two
times a day, seven days a week

to get rid of stink pussy.

Look at the hoes laughin',
"How he know that?

But I'm a put you up on game
'cause I feel comfortable

with you people at home and here.

If you know your pussy stink,
and you're gonna fuck your

nigger tonight take your shoes off first

so nigger think your feet stink.

(audience laughs)

You masturbate Cornelius?

Okay, how many times a week?

(audience laughs)

You don't got, give me a
number, if you had to count

I mean how many we think?

Two, get them numbers up
Cornelius, get them numbers up,

that's low.

You masturbate sir?

How many times a week?

- [Audience Member] Four.

- Four, get them numbers up too.

My man, Tooth, Tooth.

How many times you masturbate?

I'm callin' you Tooth, that's
your nickname right now,

I'm sorry, I love you nigger
but you got a tooth missin'.

How many times you masturbate, four?

Get them numbers up,
how about you youngster?

You don't masturbate?

Let me tell you something, shh!

Shh, when I'm talkin'!

(audience laughs)

See the respect, see the respect?

(audience laughs)

I want y'all to masturbate,
'cause masturbation

helps cut down on prostate cancer.

You didn't know that?

Google it, did you know that Tooth?

Google it.

So you're dead, you're dead,

and you're outta here.

You gotta masturbate, I fuck
me six, seven times a day.

(audience laughs)

Because I love me.

(audience laughs)

I smack my own self on the ass,

"Whose dick is it, it's your dick TK, TK!"

But I can't fuck myself
like I used to, I'm 57 now,

I got carpel tunnel in my elbow,

so I can't grab like I used to.

But I sit in the parkin'
lot, I was in a van

and I watched all you ladies walk in here,

when I get to my hotel
tonight, I'm a fuck all y'all,

y'all don't even know it.

(audience laughs)

And what's so cool, some
of you have got cute faces

and fucked up bodies, but
because I'm real creative,

I can switch the heads.

(audience laughs)

So, Cornelius when you come in your girl,

what type of sounds you make,
are you quiet, are you loud?

You're loud, gimme a sound.

- Oh!

- All right, so you had a
heart attack and got shot.

(audience laughs)

Somebody snuck you, "Ah!"

How about you youngster?

You quiet?

Okay, so when you say quiet
do you at least go, "Mm."

Okay, "Ah."

All right, so you aneurysm, aneurysm.

Tooth?

(audience laughs)

Type of sounds you make
when you come Tooth?

Depend on who you with?

Ain't that a great answer!

Let's give him a round of applause.

(audience claps and cheers)

I like that, y'all, damn right!

I'm a screamer too, I get some pussy

I lose my motherfuckin' mind.

I've got, I'm a, "Argh, argh, argh!"

(audience laughs)

This beautiful.

A bitch sore on me now
because I yelled in her ear.

Bitch can't hear no motherfuckin' more.

It's crazy y'all, and what
was so crazy about this girl

(laughs) this bitch was
cheatin' on her nigger.

And we out in the park, I'm
sitting there being smooth

and shit and the cheater
van pulled up on the nigger.

(audience laughs)

These motherfuckers hopped out
the van with these bright ass

lights, I thought we was bein' robbed!

(audience laughs)

I left the bitch, I took
off motherfuckin' runnin'.

(audience laughs)

"Bitch you tryin' to get a
nigger killed, over your ass

"I can't do this when there's
a group of college bitches

"graduatin' in June?"

'Cause you don't know people's
past and that's what's crazy.

'Cause I wanted to fuck this
other girl earlier, one day.

Well I was already sexually
active that afternoon

about two thirty, three
o'clock, so when I hooked up

with her I was tired,
so I just a Louis XIII,

and she had a Cosmopolitan,
so we sippin' and drinkin'

and outta nowhere some dude came

and smacked this bitch
under some bar stools.

Now what was I supposed to do?

(audience laughs)

It was the first motherfuckin' date?

I'm not defendin' nobody on
a first motherfuckin' date!

But all I remember though is
when this bitch hit the floor,

her bag opened up and
change just went everywhere,

nickels, dimes, pennies, I'm like,

"Why did this bitch have all this change?"

(audience laughs)

It was a lotta change!

This happened at night,
'cause if I saw her again,

I'd be like, "Excuse me,
can I ask you a question?

"Why did you have all that change?

So I took her home and her
nigger was on the porch,

big swole nigger, drinkin'
Long Island Ice Tea

out of a Welch's grape jar.

(audience laughs)

So the nigger stood up, 'cause
he knew that was his bitch

in the car, so he was like,

"Yo, Cathy, get your ass out the car."

She looked at me, I said,

"Cathy you heard him, get
your ass out the car."

(audience laughs)

I got out the car, I said,

"Yo, Cathy won't get her ass out the car."

She said, "TK get in."

I said, "Bitch, why
would you do this to me?"

I said, "Now I gotta
put my shit in reverse

so nigger don't get the lights a play."

(audience laughs)

But I wanted to fuck her,
you know, I'm single,

I wanted to fuck her, I'm
bein' honest with you.

So I called up, I said,
"Listen, you cool?"

She said, "Yeah."

Okay, I said, "Listen
your ticket is paid for,

"why don't you meet me down in Miami?"

She said, "Cool."

But at the last minute,
I changed the ticket.

So, instead of flyin' you
to Miami, I'm a fly you

into Fort Lauderdale, everybody
know in the late nineties

it was easy access to come
through Fort Lauderdale,

than Miami.

Pick a bitch up, boom, hop down
95, straight to South Beach,

395 Miami Beach is boom.

So we get in there and I'm
gonna go get a manicure

and pedicure 'cause as you get older

your feet lose moisture.

(audience laughs)

So, I'm gonna go get a
manicure and pedicure,

but as I'm readin' something,

she goes put her feet
in the lukewarm water.

I said, "Yo bitch, dry your
feet, you got the flight,

"I'm gettin' the manicure and pedicure.

(audience laughs)

So after I get my shit done,
you know I'd been workin' out,

feelin' good about
myself, you know, I say,

"Hey, let's go jet skiing."

She's like, "I can't."

I'm like, "Why?"

She says, "I'm spottin'."

"Bitch, don't know why they give a fuck,

"get a tampon, we gettin' in the water!"

So I got on the back of the
jetski, we goin' through

the water, wavin' at people, "Hey, hey!"

Water on my face, "Woo."

And all of a sudden, a
wave come out of nowhere

and when it hit us I turned around,

Cathy ain't on the jetski
no motherfuckin' more.

I'm goin' in circles, talkin' about,

"Where the fuck is Cathy?"

Well me bein' a street nigger, I said,

"Fuck Cathy, I'm goin' back to shore."

White people always
mindin' nigger's business,

the lifeguard comes up to me and said,

"Excuse me, didn't you have a passenger

"on the back of the jetski?"

"I don't know what the
fuck you're talkin' about."

'Cause once I start answering questions,

they start buildin' a
case against a nigger.

I don't know shit.

So I'm drivin' back up the
95 to go to Fort Lauderdale,

here come the police.

I think it's about Cathy.

(audience laughs)

The cop pulled me over, said

"Excuse me sir, you were speedin',

"do you know how fast you was goin'?"

"No sir, I was speedin',

"I didn't have time to
look at the speedometer."

So he says, "Oh, you gotta attitude!"

And got on the walkie talkie said,

"Back-up, back-up, back-up."

And I had my cell phone
out and I started diallin'.

He said, "Who you callin'?"

I said, "Back-up, motherfucker."

"You ain't the only
motherfucker with back-up."

(laughs)
(audience laughs)

So I'm in jail.

(audience laughs)

And what's crazy about
jail, that if you go to jail

and you ain't got bail
money, you ain't shit nigger.

There's niggers out here runnin'
around actin' like they the

shit and gettin' locked up,
they gotta call their parents.

To get them fucked up, to get them out.

You got young niggers out here,

gang banging without no life insurance.

(audience laughs)

You got young niggers
out here, gang banging

without no life insurance.

Who raised you?

Death should not be a tragedy.

It should be profitable.

(audience laughs)

When you die somebody should
blow up off your death.

I know it sounds fucked up,

but a lot of you right here now frontin'.

Actin' like you got your shit together,

you got a tooth missin',
you ain't got a car,

you ain't got a house.

(audience laughs)

What you been doin' your
whole motherfuckin' life?

If you die today, you ain't
got no life insurance,

you gotta get a GoFundMe page nigger.

(audience laughs)

Who raised you?

It's 'cause all you ain't gonna be rich.

Listen to me, let me
tell you one more time,

all y'all are not gonna be millionaires,

but if you listen to me, I guarantee you

your children will be rich.

So if you do what I'm tellin'
you, and your next generation

of children and the generation after that

you'll still have
millionaires in your family.

Look, you can't believe
I'm puttin' you up on game

'cause you so quiet, you're hypnotized.

(audience laughs)

- [Audience Member] Who raised you?

- God raised me nigger.

(audience laughs)

And stop speakin' the fuck out of turn.

(audience laughs)

See all of us are haters,
all of us are insecure.

All of us are jealous.

The goal here is to control
your motherfuckin' emotions.

You control your emotion, then
you can handle yourselves.

Niggers here now are
hatin' on other niggers.

Got niggers at home lookin' at TK, hatin'.

I see you nigger, I see you.

(audience laughs)

Well this is what motherfuckers do,

learn to control your pain
and go get this motherfucker

money 'cause you better put
your feelin's in your pocket,

'cause don't nobody give a fuck about you.

(audience claps)

Get yourself some property,
try to take care of your

motherfuckin' children

and step your motherfuckin' game up y'all,

'cause this shit is almost
over, you're over 40!

We about to die, nigger!

(audience laughs)

Who the fuck raised you?

(audience laughs)

I ain't gonna be around this
motherfucker too much longer.

I got shit to do.

And I ain't tryin' to make you mad,

I'm just tryin' to drop you
some motherfuckin' knowledge

and go sell some dvd's after the show.

(audience cheers)

'Cause I know what you're
sayin', this is not a show,

this is a seminar motherfuckin' right.

'Cause that's the type of nigger I am,

T to the motherfuckin' K.

(audience laughs)

T to the motherfuckin' K.

On the way out, we gonna take pictures

if theys of you have a stomach,

make sure you hold your stomach in.

(audience laughs)

It's disrespectful.

(audience laughs)

We're gonna sell dvd's
and we gonna make sure

that we have your camera,
'cause this is something

that we wanna do here,
show that no matter big

or how rich you get, that I
still hold on and I be out there

collectin' every motherfuckin' dollar.

(audience laughs)

I won't be playin' that shit.

(audience laughs)

Listen to me y'all, live your dream,

don't let nothin' stop you,

don't let nothin' hold you
back and may God bless you

and make your pain be champagne,

T to the motherfuck K, y'all,

salute, appreciate you.

(audience claps and cheers)

♪ Ten takes you two for a dollar ♪

♪ Dollar, dollar. ♪

♪ Ten takes you two for a dollar ♪

Let's just tell me who raised y'all?

Slow the fuck down!

♪ Ten takes you two for a dollar ♪

It's a TK Kirkland dvd!

- Who raised you?

♪ Ten takes you two for a dollar ♪

- Yo we still get this money y'all

no matter how big I get,

I come get this paper.

(gentle electronic music)

- Who raised you?

- We had a good time,

T to the motherfuckin'--

(gentle electronic music)