All language subtitles for Kevin.Hart.Laugh.At.My.Pain.2011.PROPER.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX] ENG

[heart beating]

[cheering and applause]

[man] We're rolling.

Rolling what?
What are we--

We're shooting this?

Dude, we just shot that?

Why wouldn't
you say "action"?

Leslie, Tim, one of y'all
gotta say "action."

I'm sitting here,
looking stupid.

That's not the look
I'm going for.

Come on, this is the start
of my movie.

I'm trying to give off
pain and laughter...
Laugh at my pain.

[beeping]

Laughter and pain,
that's what I'm going for.

That's why we're
doing this shot.

Just start the movie!

-[heart beating]
-[cheering and applause]

[Kevin Hart]
This tour has been
unbelievable.

We're 90-cities deep
right now

and each show
has been a success.

We're now in our last city
of Los Angeles.

Let's end it with a bang.

We're looking
at 15,000 people tonight.

Put smiles
on those people's faces,

give everybody
the strength and ability
to do what they do best,

and that's
make people laugh.

Everybody want to be famous!

[all] Nobody want to put
the work in.

Everybody want to be famous!

[all] Nobody want to put
the work in.

Everybody want to be famous!

[all] Nobody want to put
the work in.

I'll say it one more time.
Everybody want to be famous!

But nobody want
to put the work in.

-Let's go, y'all.
-Gonna put the work in.

[Kevin]
I've been on stages
all over the world,

but a different stage
prepared me
for this moment.

Philadelphia.

Come home with me.

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Phi-Phi-Philadelphia ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Philadelphia
Around and down ♪

♪ That's my sound
I've been around
Town clown ♪

-♪ Clown or what? ♪
-♪ Uh, Philly funk ♪

♪ It's the big city
Mother-- ♪

♪ Phi-Philadelphia ♪

♪ Big city, uh ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Philadelphia, come on ♪

Walk with me,
see what I saw

and live what
I've already lived.

My life, baby.
We're in the streets.
Philadelphia.

I told y'all
it's real, okay?

Y'all don't think it's real.
I'ma show you how real it was.

Harry, duh, you didn't
believe I was a thug.

I'm about to show you, okay?

Watch how much shit--
Watch this.

Look over there.
Watch, these kids
know me right now.

What up, yo?
What up, kids?

[laughing]
All right.

Everybody know me.
Just turn the camera back.

What up, baby?
I'm home.

Dude, I know everybody.
Follow me.

Oh, that's my man.
Charlie!

Oh-- [laughs]

So see this area here?
See where it says
"Ontario Street"?

This was like
a big street for me.

When I was a kid,
our school bus

used to drop us off
right here on this corner.

What up, boy?
I'm home, man.

Hey, Jerry! [laughs]

That's Jeremy.

-Who?
-Jeremy.

-You said Jerry.
-No.

-I thought you said Jerry.
-No, I didn't.

I definitely said Jeremy.
I said Jeremy.

He repping the block.
That's what he doing.

He's on a cell phone.

No, he's repping--
A matter of fact, I'm about
to rep this corner.

Move, because y'all gonna
mess up my rep right now.

This is how you rep a corner
hard in Philly.

I was like 15.

I was watching
Eddie Murphy come
out on the stage.

And I remember
the leather, the response

to him being on stage
and the crowd...

I remember seeing
so many people laugh
at this one person.

I said, "I want that response.

I want that attention.
I want that love.

I wanna make people laugh
the way that this man
made people laugh."

♪ You-you-you-you ain't
You ain't seen nothing
Like that... ♪

My best friend, right here...

Adam. This is Robbie.

When I say my days
were spent with these guys

on the basketball court...

Now y'all don't believe
all the shit that I say
about basketball,

that I used to be good...
These are two men that
can confirm it.

Adam, was I good or not?

No.

Robbie, was I good
in basketball?

You was okay, but you wasn't
better than me.

-No, you used
to swim good though.
-[Robbie] Yeah.

They don't never talk
about you could swim.

No, no, no, no. Guys,

I don't wanna talk
about that right now.

You used to swim at
Marcus Foster's.

[Kevin] I get that.
I don't wanna--

You was fast.

I'm not trying to--
I don't want people
to know that side.

I'm talking about me
playing basketball
right now.

[Kevin] You know,
my swim team
was so huge,

they actually made
a movie about it.

The movie Pride
was based off of PDR,

which is called
the Philadelphia
Department of Recreation.

My swim team, you know.

Young African-American kids
all from the inner city,

we got together and formed

what I like to call
something special.

[all chant]

[Kevin] We made
history back then.

Terrence Howard's character

was actually based off
of my swim coach Jim Ellis.

[Ellis] Uh, it's a team,

and so everybody gives up
their individual goals,

commits to one goal,

and that's how
we achieve.

If you had to say
the type of swimmer
that I was,

what would you say
as a coach?

What effort did I
put forth in swimming?

You put 100% effort out.
You put 100% effort out.

-Get the fuck out of here.
-No!

[all laughing]

I used to work Thursday nights
at the Laff House,

which was pretty much--
It was a standard show,

but I always allowed
for open opportunities
for new comics.

So later that night,
this little short guy
walks up to me.

He's like, "Yeah, I'm Kevin.
Buck sent me."

And I'm like, "All right.
You know, what you
want me to say?"

"Just introduce me
as Little Kev The Bastard."

And I said, "That's what
you want me to say?"

Like, "That's
the name you want me to use?"

He's like, "Yeah, yeah."

His open-mike night
was basically amateur night,

where they held
competitions.

He won it
like six weeks straight,

just with his energy,
with his ambition,
with his aggression.

And just coming
in there week to week

for a young comic
with new material like Kev did,

it was something to see.

♪ Let's rock
Where we headed? ♪

[Kevin]
This is where
I started doing comedy,

at the world-famous
Laff House Comedy Club

in Philadelphia, P.A.

That's me at the age...
That's 2002.

Uh, I feel like there
should be a bigger wall here

with my face on it now.

So if I can have a wall
built possibly here

that people kind of
have to walk around, maybe.

Back at the Laff House
in Philadelphia,

I once went past there
from New York or whatever

to see who
was young, on the scene,
who was coming through.

And I seen Little Kev.

And I'm like, "Wow, this kid
is pretty talented."

So I said, "Yeah,
you're pretty good, man.
You're pretty good.

You can come hang out
with me, young fella.

I'm gonna take you
to New York,

you know, to understand
how things work."

We had a lot of adventures

driving from
Philly to New York,

night after night.

Seven days
out of the week, nonstop.

Back and forth,
back and forth.

Put a lot of miles
on my sweet Ford Focus.

We left Philly at about
five o'clock in the afternoon.

And sometimes
we'd leave New York

like at about 4:00
in the morning,
5:00 in the morning,

drive back there to Philly.

Keith Robinson was the guy
that basically said,

"Hey, you're funny,

but you're not talking
about nothin'."

He said,
"You know, you're on stage
and you're just--

You're doing what you think
people want to see.

You know? But you don't
have any substance."

He said, "Who are you?"

I'll never forget that
when he asked me that.

He said, "Who are you?

When people leave,
do they know you?"

Start with what it is
that you know about yourself,

that's your strength.

You can't be afraid
of the truth.

You know, if it happened,
talk about it.

That is when he started
to really piece together
a great set,

because he started
bringing in his personal life

and not being afraid
to use it onstage.

[Kevin]
People, this is where
I used to live, right here.

West Erie Avenue.
In here it was just, uh...

It was me,
my brother and my mom.

So my mom kind of
made that space work for her,

put us in this environment
and did what she could.

You know, she made the best
of our living situation.

She wanted me to stay away
from the streets.

She didn't want me
in the streets.

So, you know, I was kind of
the guy with the mom...

I was a mama's boy
coming up.

My dad didn't
live here with me.

My dad was kicked out.

My mom kicked my dad out
when I was like four,
four and a half.

My dad was not allowed

to go past
that step right there.

Coming up in Philly,
he had to be thick-skinned,

'cause he's short.

And when you're short
and, you know, a target,

he had to
have quick response.

So a lot
of his initial comedy

was snaps and retorts
and coming back at people.

Right now we're walking.
We're walking my block,
you know?

This is the block
that I used to walk through

day in, day out.

I'm here to connect
with the people.

What up with you, pimp?
How you?

-Hey, thank you, man.
-Good work, man.

I appreciate you.
What's up, baby?

Oh, bye, sweetie.
Take it easy.

We're at my high school.

That's right. This is where
my education came from.

This is where the brains...

This is where books and stuff
was beat into my head.

This is why I'm the genius
that I am today.

High school is when
you become a man.

It's where I became a man.
I'm talking first kiss.

I'm talking, uh, SATs.

I'm talking basketball.

I'm talking, uh,
football tryouts.

You guys look at me and say,

"Oh, Kevin probably
didn't play any sports."

Well, you're wrong.
All I gotta do is find my name.

Give me a second.
Give me a second,

'cause this is the showcase
of champions.

Okay, I found it. Okay.

In the middle of those two.

That's obviously where I was.

Because you can tell it fell.

Somebody must've
hit the glass so it came down.

'Cause I remember
when they put it up.

Kev played four years
of varsity basketball

here at
George Washington High.

Did you hear what he said?
Four years.

He didn't say two.
He didn't say one.

That means ninth
through twelfth.

And keep in mind, I grew.
Right now I'm 5'5".

At the time I was like 5'3".
[laughs]

I'll knock out
five jump shots right now.

You'll get 'em.
I mean, well, we'll see.

-I'll hit five
in a row right now.
-We'll see.

Hit me, Joe! Ha!

See that form right there,
people? Foul.

Foul. That definitely
was a foul.

[Kevin]
Dave Attell, great comedian,
sees me perform one day.

He said, "I'm gonna
have my guy call you."

Only person I knew
to talk to about this
was Keith Robinson.

I said, "Keith, Dave Attell
gave me his manager,

and he was like--
He said to call him."

So Keith's like, "Who is he?"
I'm like, "Dave Becky."

He said, "Oh,
that's the real deal."

My job really
was to get him to Dave Becky,

to polish him
up a little bit.

He sent me a tape.
And we get tons of tapes.

And I think actually
he's the only client I've ever
signed off of a tape ever.

Years go by...

Like a year
and a half goes by.

He's my manager.
I'm getting better.

Dave says, "Kevin,
we got action.

You're getting offers
to get a deal."

I'm like, "Well,
what kind of offers?"

And he said,
"Okay, just don't--

Don't think that this is bad.
It'll get better."

He says, "The first offer
came in from CBS
for $125,000."

"What?

What!"

I'm 20. "What? Whoa!

What-- Take it!"

"No, no, no,
you don't take that.
That offer is shit."

"What you mean
that offer is shit?

I call you back!"
I call Keith.

"Hey, man, I'm about
to fire this guy.

He's about to turn down
$125,000.

I don't have
no fuckin' money, man.

I need that.
I need that check tomorrow."

So Keith is like, "Stupid,
let the man do his job."

Kevin has faith
and he listens.

And you know,
it's part of what I do
is try to protect him

and get what he's worth.

[rap music playing]

Here in Philadelphia,

there's only one place you
can go to get cheesesteaks.

Max's cheesesteaks
on Broad and Erie.

Nothing compares.

[inaudible]

See, this is the love.

Just take a look around.
You gotta pan around.

When you stay real,
you stay genuine,

you get a genuine
reception back.

From there to out here
to all in the glass.

It's all genuine love, man.
That's why I love my city.

There is no place
like Philadelphia.

All right, everybody.

Who ordered cheesesteaks
that's in here already?

[woman] We did right here.

All right, if y'all
in here right now,

y'all's cheesesteaks
is on me.

I'm gonna leave
enough to cover everybody,
and y'all tip, okay?

[man] Thank you very much.

Dude, this is me in my city,

doing what I do,
givin', lovin',

receivin', bein' who I am.

Shimmy.

[upbeat music playing]

Y'all, I'm out.
I love you all.

Take it easy.
Oh, thank you.

Y'all take it easy.
See y'all later.

I love Philadelphia!

[all cheering]

[Harry Ratchford]
As a hard worker,
he can go as far as he wants.

We're gonna make history.

I really admire
the cat's, like, work ethic.

'Cause Kev is really,
really working hard.

Hard work.
He works very hard.

His work ethic.

His work ethic.

That work ethic,
it means everything.

And I really believe
he has that.

It's hard to even
put into words

how surreal
and how proud I am of him.

[soft music playing]

This here...
This here is my mom's sister.

Uh, as you all know,
my mom passed away
five years ago.

This is one of
the important aunts
right here.

Willie Mae
is what I call her.

[Kevin] For me coming
back right now,

honestly,
it's to say thank you

for the upbringing.

Like, that's why I come back
and I say, "Hey,

get everybody
together for dinner.

Get everybody together
to be around."

It's to literally say,
"I owe y'all."

Like, I'm the man
that I am today

because of y'all.

It's not even emotional,

and I don't want
to get too sentimental,

but without Mom being here,
this is it.

Like, this--

This is Mom 2, Mom 3,

Mom 4, cousin.

And I don't see y'all.
Y'all don't understand.

[woman] Let it out.

I am where I am
because of y'all.

And that's me being honest.

Tenfold, hands over fists.

[woman] We love you.

And I mean it.

[all] Aww!

[Kevin] Aw,
it's a good moment.

[laughter]

All right.

That's a lifetime moment
right there.

[Kevin] When you hear
the title, "Laugh At My Pain,"

it's real. It's not a joke.
You know, it's serious.

And the jokes
that you're about to hear
come from a real place.

And in that real place,
it was a hurt place, you know?

Uh, I'm just now
at a point where

I'm ready
for people to see that side.

And I think they're
going to enjoy that side
when they see it.

-[applause]
-[heart beating]

♪ Everybody stand up... ♪

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ I've been on the top
For a minute ♪

♪ So no wonder
Why it's cool ♪

♪ I'm the dude
That they hatin' on ♪

♪ But, homie, you can't
And haters just won't ♪

♪ Let me continue
Doin' me ♪

♪ I'm so sick, I'm so ill
Go ahead and call yo' mama ♪

♪ I flow like H20
From Mexico, Tijuana ♪

♪ My styles break ground
Smoke y'all like marijuana ♪

♪ Been carvin' out
The Amazon
Starvin' like piranhas ♪

♪ People asking questions
But I ain't the Dalai Lama ♪

♪ Although my rhymes
Do make your mind feel
Like nirvana ♪

♪ People love to hate me
They call me a prima donna ♪

♪ I can make love
And hate mate ♪

♪ And make a saint
Out of Madonna ♪

♪ I'm just doin' me,
Yeah, neo Da Vinci... ♪

I know y'all can do
better than that.

Make some
fucking noise, L.A.

Yeah, cut it out.
Cut it out.

Whoa!

[loud cheering]

God damn,
y'all look good in here.
I can't even front.

Y'all look good.

Give y'all selves another
round of applause, man.

Y'all look fucking good.

[applause]

Now before we get started,
I feel like I gotta be honest.

You know, I don't like to lie
while I'm up here on stage,

coming out to the big applause,
y'all standing up.

A piece of me likes it.
A small piece of me likes it.

Another piece of me doesn't.
I'm gonna tell you why, okay?

Here's the thing.

I feel like that's the type
of shit that makes
people go crazy.

That's how you lose your mind.
You come out,

people are standing up,

girls calling your name.
"Oh, my God, no!

Kevin, oh, my goodness, no!"

I don't like that shit.
I'm afraid to go crazy, man.

That's why I humble myself.
I stay in my lane, people.

I stay in my financial lane.

Now let me explain what
I mean when I say this, okay?

Here's what I mean when
I say "financial lane."

Here's what happens.
You start to make money.

When you make money, you meet
other people that make money.

When you meet other
people that make money,

you want to hang out
with these people.

But naturally, you want
to spend money the way
that they spend money,

but then you realize
that you don't make

the same type of money
that these fucking people make.

It's very true.
That's why you've gotta
stay in your lane.

All right?
Certain people I don't
hang out with.

Athletes? I don't
hang out with athletes.

I used to. I stopped.
Let me tell you why I stopped.

Athletes don't respect money.
How do I know this?

From experiences.
This is not a joke.
This is a true story.

I'm in Vegas with
an athlete friend of mine.

Keep in mind he's doing
a lot better than me
in life, okay?

Naturally I want
to keep up with him.

So before we go out, he said,

"Kev, don't worry
about nothing. I got you.
Everything is on me."

I said, "Hey, bitch,
I'm a man. I'll pay
for my fucking self."

Okay? So we go out,

he get a table.
I got a table.

He got bottles,
I got bottles.

He had bitches
come to the table.

I didn't have no bitches.
I had my aunt.

My aunt was with me.
I'm not gonna call
my aunt no bitch.

I love her too much.

But regardless, we're having
a good time, okay?

I'm not gonna lie.
I got the bill,

I didn't like it.

Uh, you ever
get a bill so high,

you're trying
to put it in the light
like it's gonna change?

"Hold on, wait a minute.
Hold on. Okay."

But I can't
bitch about the bill.

Reason why I can't bitch
about the bill,

'cause he didn't
bitch about the bill.

So there's just no way.
I start talking to myself.

I say, "Kev,
just pay the bill. Pay it!"

So that's what I did.
I paid the bill.

I go to my room.
I go to sleep.

Here's why I don't mess
with athletes.

The next morning, I wake up.
My boy that I was with,
he called me.

He said, "Kev, yo, last night
was crazy, wasn't it?"

I said, "Man, I had a ball."
He said, "well, guess what?

We gonna do the same shit
again tonight."

I said, "I'm not gonna do it.
I can't do it two nights
in a row.

Because the way that
my bank account is set up..."

You ever start explaining
your financial situation

for no reason at all?

I said, "I would, but the way
my bank account is set up,

the thing is, I got
a checking and a savings.

But all the money
is in my savings,

so I gotta switch it
to my checking,

but it's gonna
take three business days.

I don't think
it's gonna go through.

I don't think it's
gonna go through."

Athletes will mess
your life up, man.

They will. I'm telling you,
I know this from experience.

Dwyane Wade,
that's a good friend of mine.

I love Dwyane to death.
Here's the thing.

I can't hang out with Dwyane
no more. I'll tell you why.

Dwyane tried
to fuck my life up.

He did!
Dwyane tried to make me
buy a boat.

I don't even
have a fucking house.

I said, "Hey, man,

I don't think this
is a good investment."

He said, "Stop being a bitch.
You got it. Ball out."

I said, "No, no, no, I would,
but here's the thing.

The way my bank account
is set up, the thing is...

I got a checking
and a savings,

but all the money
is in my savings.
So I gotta switch it.

It's gonna take too long.
The boat might not be there
when I get back."

You can't
hang out with everybody.

I'll be honest,
another problem of mine,

I got too many
financial fears.

I get scared fast.

Say my biggest fear
when it comes to finances,
my biggest fear

is my credit card getting
declined in front of people.

I'm gonna tell you why.
Here's the thing.

It's not that I'm scared
of my card getting declined.

I just don't like it
when you announce it.

Like, "Bitch, tell me.
It's my card."

Don't put on a show.
Don't come out like,

"Mr. Hart, uh-uh,
didn't go through.

I tried it three times.
I even wiped it on my pants."

"Bitch, gimme the card.
Don't say all that.

They don't need to know
what you tried to do
to make it happen.

Gimme the goddamn card
before I punch you
in the fucking throat, lady."

I'm not gonna do this.
It's too much.

Too much.

I remember one time
I got scared

because I thought my card
wasn't going to go through

so I cut the waitress off
before she even said anything.

-"Mr. Hart--"
-"Ah!

Come here.
Let me talk to you.

No, come on this side.
Let me tell you something.

Listen, the way my bank
account is set up,
the thing is

I got a checking
and a savings,

but all the money is
in my savings.

So I don't think
it's gonna go through.
Just give me a second."

You can't hang
with everybody, man.

Like right now,
we star-studded tonight.

Celebrities all over the place.

I don't fuck
with y'all no more.
I used to.

I stopped.
I don't hang with
celebrities no more.

I'll be honest with you.

Celebrities will mess up
your life too.

Celebrities
give you reality checks.

How do I know this?
From experience, people.

Mekhi Phifer, another good
friend of mine.

I love Mekhi to death, okay?

This is when I knew I wasn't
making real money.

Mekhi calls me.
He says "Yo, Kev.

Hey, my son's
birthday party is Saturday.

Your daughter the same age.
I want you to come
to the party."

I said, "Okay.
Where's the party at?"

He said, "Disneyland."
I said, "Done deal.
I'm there."

I get to Disneyland.
Him and his son are out front.
They're holding hands.

I don't see nobody else
at the park.

I said, "Hey, uh...

I thought you said that
it was, you know, it was
a birthday party?

I don't see
nobody else at the park.
What's going on?"

He said, "No, no, dude.
Here's the thing.
It's just us.

I bought the park out
for like eight hours.
We got it to ourselves."

I said, "Wait a minute.

What the fuck do you mean
you bought the park out
for eight hours?"

He said, "It's just us.
We can do what we want."

I said, "Okay,
real quick before I go in.

Did you pay for this already
or are you looking for help?

Because I'm not in a position
where I can help you.

Because the way that my
bank account is set up,
the thing is,

I got a checking
and a savings,

but all my money is
in the savings.

I don't think my card is
going to go through,

unless you got jeans on
because you gotta wipe it off."

You can't hang
with everybody, man.
Stay in your lane.

Stay in your financial lane.

I'm not gonna lie,
we went in the park.

I ain't gonna lie to you.
Me and my daughter,
we had a great time.

We got on rides five
or six times in a row.

Now, there was a point
in time when we
was in the park

where I lost my daughter.

I didn't know where she was.

But I didn't panic
when I lost her.
The reason why

is because we were
the only ones in the park.

I knew eventually
I would run into her again.

So, I took that time
to get on rides
that she couldn't get on.

'Cause she's only five,
so she can't do everything.

When I saw her,
she was crying.

I was like, "Come on,
don't be a bitch.
Like, don't act like that."

That's what I said!
I said that.

"It's not your birthday.
Today is not about you.

Stop bitching.

Let's get on some
more rides. Let's go."

We got on some more rides.
We had a good time.
We left.

I said, "Baby, did you
have a good time?"

She said, "Dad,
I had so much fun."

I said, "Good. I had fun too."

Now here's when reality hit.

Let's fast-forward
three months later.

Three months later,
it's my daughter's birthday.

I throw my daughter
a party at the house

in the backyard like a normal
fucking parent, okay?

But don't get me wrong.
I tried to go above and beyond.

I really did.
I had SpongeBob there,

which is a big deal.

Um, I had a pony.

Kids could get on the pony,

walk around the yard
one time and get off.

Uh, I had a bouncer.
Kids get in the bouncer,
jump around.

Shit was nice.
It was going good.

Here's where it got bad.
Me and SpongeBob got into it.

I got mad at SpongeBob
because he kept taking
his helmet off

and he was smoking cigarettes
in front of the kids.

I was like, "SpongeBob,

don't take the helmet off,
don't smoke no cigarettes

in front of
the fucking kids, okay?

My kids think that
you're really SpongeBob.

SpongeBob on TV
don't take his face off

and show a black-ass face
underneath it

and start smoking
fucking cigarettes.

What the hell makes you
think that you can?"

Now when I get mad,
I get physical.
I get hyped.

So I said, "Put the
motherfucking helmet on,

and put the goddamn
cigarettes up, man.

You don't be smoking
those cigarettes out here

in front of the fucking kids.

Put the goddamn helmet on
and put the fucking
cigarettes up

before shit get real out here."

I was going off.
Shit was real.

Here's the thing
that made it bad.

Nobody told me that
SpongeBob was fresh out.

This nigga was
fresh out of jail.

Here's how I found out.
He snapped on me.

He said, "Hey, man,
shut the fuck up.

Fuck you and these
ugly-ass kids."

I said, "Well, goddamn."

He said, "I just got
out of jail for
aggravated assault.

I'm here to get a check.
Once I get my check, I'm out.

I don't give a fuck
about these kids."

I'm such a bitch,
when I heard "jail,"

my whole attitude changed.

As soon as I heard "jail,"
this is what I said, I said,

"No, you're not listening.
No, I don't--

I'm not saying
that you can't smoke.
You can smoke.

I'm saying just
don't blow it in their face.

That's all I'm saying.
Blow it up.

Give 'em a chance
to not have cancer
is what I'm saying.

I get it.
You're stressed out.
You want to smoke.

Shit, gimme one.
I'll smoke it with you.

I don't give a fuck
about these kids."

I was so scared
of SpongeBob.

You know why?
It was like...

I didn't like the way
SpongeBob was
playing with the kids.

Understand something, people.

If you get a character

to be at a kid's
birthday party,

you want to see
that character

be that character, okay?

If I get Barney to be
at my kid's party,

I want to see Barney
do some Barney shit.

Slide around, you know?
Hug the kids, sing a song,

do the faces,
make it look real.

If I get Spider-Man,
do some Spider-Man shit.

Jump down the steps,
do this shit in my son's face.

Don't nothing gotta come out.
Just scare the shit outta him.

Make him think it's real.

SpongeBob didn't do shit.

Let me show you all
how SpongeBob was playing
with the kids.

I look out
the backyard window.

I just want to check on
the kids, right?

I'm making sure
everything's okay.

I swear to you,
I cannot make this up.

This is how SpongeBob was
running after the kids.
This was all I saw.

[weak growl]

[laughing]

"Go, little bitch.
Go, little bitch, go.
Ha ha!

Go. Hey, bitch,
you'd better bitch-run."

He was calling
the kids "bitches."

Come on, SpongeBob.

He wasn't playing
none of the games right.

He was playing
"duck-duck nigga"
with the kids.

He never said "goose."
He never said
the word "goose."

"Duck. Duck.

Duck.

Nigga! Go!"

This little
white boy was like,

"No, no,
I'm not gonna do it.

I'm not gonna run.
Nope, nope.

'Cause if I run,

everybody's gonna
look at me like I said it

and I didn't say it.
I don't--

I'm not gonna
take responsibility.
No, I didn't say it."

That party was bad.

I'm gonna tell you what else
was bad at the party.

The bouncer.

I don't recommend anybody
to ever get a bouncer

at a kid's birthday party.
I'm gonna tell you why.

Me, personally,
I don't think it's safe.
I really don't.

The reason why, here's why
I don't think it's safe.

If a kid falls in the bouncer,
no other kid gives a shit.

Like nothing stops.
Kids don't care.

Like, literally,
this little girl
fell in the bouncer,

I swear to y'all

I saw every boy in there
step on this girl's face.

'Cause you know, when kids
be hyper on that cake,

there's an, "Ahh-ahh-ahh."

This little boy was like,
"Ahh-ahh-ahh."

The little girl
started crying.

She was like, "No!"
[mimics crying]

But she was
looking right at me.

I said, "You better
roll out. Roll out.

I'm the same size as you.
I'm not getting in there.

I'm gonna get
exactly what you got.

I got little legs.
I can't walk in that shit."

You ever try to walk
in a bouncer?

"Hey! Hey!

Hey! Y'all better sto--

Hey, let a motherfucker
jump again, I swear to God.

If I fall, I'm gonna
punch the kid in the face."

You look like Bambi
walking in that shit.

The party was bad, man.
I felt bad.

I said I messed up
my daughter's day.

She just turned five
and that's a big
birthday for kids.

Now why did I feel bad?

I got in an argument
with SpongeBob in
front of her friends.

Little girl got carried out
in an ambulance,

footprints and shit
were on her face.

I said, "You know what?
I gotta do something nice.
I gotta make it up to her.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get
my baby a puppy."

My baby was
asking me for a puppy
for the longest time,

I never got her one.
The reason why?

I'm afraid of dogs.
I don't like dogs.

I'm not gonna lie to y'all.

But I said I can't deprive
my daughter of
a childhood experience

because of my fears.

So I called my friend.

My friend breeds Pit bulls.

Now keep in mind,
before you say anything,

at the time I did not know
what these dogs
were capable of.

So I said, "Hey, man,
my daughter wants a puppy.

Let her come over
and pick out a puppy."

He said, "Cool."

My daughter gets there,
and he comes downstairs
with a little puppy Pit,

a little dog in his hand.

My daughter sees it,
she goes off because
she's emotional.

Everything is
always over the top.

She saw the dog,
she was like, "Argh!

Dad, I just want to love it
with all my heart."

I said, "Okay,
come here. Sit down.

In here, talking like you
in Gone With the Wind.

Sit the fuck down."

I said, "Baby,
you want the puppy,

Daddy gonna
get you the puppy."

The reason why?
'Cause I held the puppy.

Let me tell you
how stupid I am.

The reason
why I bought the dog

was because the dog smelled
my palm and he licked it.

So, in my mind,
he familiarized
himself with me.

He knew me.
He was my friend.

He's never gonna attack me
'cause he smelled my palm.

He knows how I smell.
I'm safe forever.

That's how I think.

Now I bought the dog
when he was this big.

I left for three months.
I came back to the house.

I swear to God,
the dog was
the same size as me.

I've never seen
a dog grow this fast.

Do you know how scary
it is to live with a dog
that you're afraid of?

I gotta announce myself
in every room I go in
in my house.

"Hey!

Is he in here?

Smell my palm, remember?
You remember that day?

When you were a baby?

'I just want to love you
with all my heart,'

remember when I said that?"

I can't even give
the dog orders.

Like I've been trying
to tell the dog what to do.

I start bitching out.
I give him options.

Everything starts off
tough though.

Everything starts off tough.

"Hey! Get the fuck
off the couch."

Grrr!

"Or come here.
Let me show you
something else.

Come here.
You wanna sit right there?

Smell my palm, remember?

I just want to love you
with all my heart."

I'm gonna tell you something
about me though.

Here's why I put myself
in these situations, okay?

I try to go above
and beyond for my kids.

The reason why,

I don't want to make the same
mistakes that my dad made.

My dad did a lot
of dumb shit
when I was a kid.

The reason why,
my dad was on drugs.

I have no problem
with being honest.

It's the truth. Now,
when I say "drugs," people,

I'm not talking
about the soft stuff.

I'm talking about cocaine.
That's right.

Smack, booger sugar,
white girl.

They got tons
of names for it.

Now when you first hear it,
you're like, "What?

Your dad was on drugs?
That's crazy."

It's not that bad.
I'ma tell you why.

There's pros and cons
to growing up with
a cokehead.

One of the pros is,

there's no such thing
as a bad idea
to a cokehead.

Everything is the shit.

That's why
cokeheads always dance.
You ever notice that?

No matter what you say
to a cokehead...

All cokeheads hula hoop.
I don't know why.

Now one of the cons...
One of the cons is...

When you get high,
you do dumb shit.

I'ma tell you why I'm
afraid of dogs. All right?

My dad... When I was a kid,

just like my daughter,
I wanted a puppy.

My dad never
got me a puppy.

One day
my dad got high as shit.

He came home,
he said, "Look, boy,

you've been asking me
about this damn puppy.

I went out,
I bought you a puppy."

I'm a kid, so I'm excited.

I was like, "Where's it at?"

He said it was on the porch.
I go run out on the porch.

It was a full-grown
German Shepherd walking
back and forth.

This nigga stole
a police dog, okay?

I know it was a police dog

because he had "K9"
on his vest.
I saw it.

"At least take
the vest off the dog, Dad."

The dog is still
on goddamn duty.

He didn't even
let the dog finish the job.

Drugs make you do
dumb shit, man.

The stupidest thing
my dad ever did when
he was on drugs, right?

When I was a kid,

I remember my dad
came to parent-teacher
conference.

That's when you go
to your kid's school,
talk to their teachers,

see how they're
doing in school.

My dad shows up
with sweatpants on
with no drawers.

His nigga dick was all
over the place, okay?

Listen, I cannot make this up.

Let me show y'all
how my dad walked
into my school.

This is all I saw.

"Hey, Kevin!"

[muttering]

Every time he stopped,
his dick kept moving.
"Excuse me!"

I could hear
little girls like, "Ew!

Ew."

My dad got mad.
"What the fuck is you
illin' about?

You ain't never seen nobody
with a long dick?"

"Hey, Dad, don't say that."

"You gonna learn today.

You gonna learn what a long
dick look like today."

"No, Dad, she don't
need to learn that.
Please."

Yo, my dad was crazy.
My dad was really crazy, man.

See, my dad was mad at me
because I wasn't an athlete.

I didn't play sports.

I was into weird shit
like spelling bees
and debates.

Now here's the thing.
My dad would show up
to my events

and treat them as if they
were athletic events.

First of all, you can't
cheer for no kid
at a spelling bee.

It's a spelling bee.
It's quiet. I'm focused.

I'm in the middle of spelling
a very difficult word.

My dad shows up late,
busts through the back door,

high as hell,
making cokehead noises,
all right?

Once again,
I cannot make this up.

This is all I heard.

I'm in the middle
of spelling some shit.

Out of nowhere,
all I heard was,

"All right, all right,
all right!

Yeah!

My son's spelling
the shit out of these
motherfucking words.

In your face, bitch!
In your face!

All right, all right,
all right!"

Shit that
made me laugh the most...

You see how y'all
sitting next to people.

I told you my dad never
wore drawers ever.

This is my dad
getting to his seat.
This is all I saw.

"Excuse me."

I could hear people like,
"Oh, God, Jesus, oh."

"What is it?"
"I don't know.
I don't know what it is.

Whatever it is, it's loose.
It's all over the place.

It's gotta be a penis.
I don't know what else
it could be."

My dad got mad.
"That ain't no penis.
That's a long dick!"

"Hey, Dad, don't say that."

"All right, all right,
all right!

You gonna learn today.

You gonna learn
what a long dick
look like today.

Hey, son, let me hear
you spell 'long dick.'"

"No, Dad, I can't.
It's against the rules."

"L-o-dick!"

"No, Dad."

"All right, all right,
all right!"

This nigga
had his dog with him.

[mimics barking]

"No, Dad."
The dog is on drugs too.

"Dad, please."

My goal is
at the end of the show

is to have all y'all
saying that shit
for no reason at all.

For no reason at all.

Next time your lady say
something to you,
just cut her off.

It don't matter what she says.

"Hey, babe--"
"Shut up, bitch!

All right,
all right, all right!

I'll make you suck
on this long dick.

You gonna learn today.
You gonna learn today.

All right, all right,
all right."

You gotta do
the walk when you do it.
Do the walk away.

"All right, all right,
all right!"

You gotta do the bobble head.
"All right, all right,
all right!"

"Shut up, bitch!

You gonna learn today."

My dad did a lot
of stupid shit, man.

See, here's the thing.
I'm so happy that I was young
when my dad was on drugs.

The reason why I say that
is because when you're young,
you're naive.

I didn't want to believe it.

Everybody else knew
my dad was on drugs,
except me.

I didn't never want
to fucking believe it.

People would tease me,
I would just get emotional.

I would get mad fast.

The person who teased me
the most was my own brother.

He would always talk shit.
"Kev, Dad ain't never
coming home

because Dad is
on that shit, man."

"You better shut up.

You don't know
what you're talking about.

Dad went back to college.
You don't even know.

You don't even know
where he is. He's in college."

My message to y'all is
don't ignore the signs, okay?

If you think somebody
in your family is on drugs,

do not ignore the signs.

Don't make
the same mistake I did.

I'll never forget this shit.
It was my birthday.

My grandma gave me
a birthday card,
I opened it up,

$20 fell out.
When the $20 fell out,
my dad stepped on it.

[grunts]

I'm waiting for the joke
to be over.

This nigga's
trying to slide out.

"All right, all right--"

"Hey, give me
the goddamn $20, Dad.

I saw you step
on the shit."

That's my dad though.

The person who had
no patience for this
was my mom.

My mom had
no patience at all.

My mom found out
my dad was on drugs,

she got mad,
snapped on him, went off.

My dad came home,

she kicked my dad
outta the house.

Said, "You know what?
That's it!

I'm sick of this shit.

You're not gonna live
in my house and be on
no damn drugs.

You hear me? That's it.

You're not welcome here.

Don't come back
to this house.

You can come by,
you can say hi to the kids,

but don't bring your ass

past the second step
on the stoop, do you hear me?

Don't come past the second
goddamn step on the stoop."

My mom turned my dad
into the definition
of a true stepdad.

Like when I say my dad cannot
come past the second step,

I'm not bullshitting.

But what made me laugh
is he would still be
tough about it.

He'll come get us,
but he'll talk shit.

He was like, "Hey, Nance,
tell the boys I'm here.

Tell them to come outside."
My mom got mad.

She was like,
"Don't you bring your ass
past the second step!"

"Bitch, I don't want
to come past the second step!"

Shit that made me laugh,
no matter how mad he got,

his legs never moved.

"Bitch, I don't want to come

past the goddamn
second step, bitch!"

This nigga did the hula hoop
for no reason.

"Dad, why you hula hooping?

It's too much, Dad.
That's too much."

That's my dad though.

My dad almost killed me
one time.

When I was younger,
I couldn't swim.

I didn't know how.
My dad didn't believe me.

This nigga argued me down.

We had a pool. I'm sitting
on the side of the pool.

I got my feet in the water.
[humming]

I'm playing.
I'm having a good time.

My dad said, "Boy,
you'd better stop playing.

Get in that water and swim."

I said, "Dad, I can't.
I don't know how to swim."

He said, "You know
how to fucking swim.

Get in that goddamn
water and swim."

"No, Dad, I'm serious.

Nobody ever taught me
how to swim."

My dad picked me up,
grabbed me and threw me
in seven feet.

As soon as I hit the water,
I started to die immediately.

[shrieking]

This is why
my dad's an asshole.

This is what my dad said,

"Hey, you better not
fucking drown!"

I said, "What?

I don't know how to stop it."

When I tell you
that was the most

uncomfortable ride home

I've ever had
with my dad in my life,

keep in mind I almost died.

Whenever you
come close to death,

you become traumatized.

Hard to get that shit
out of your head.

I kept having flashbacks.
We're in the car.

We're driving home.

I'm looking out
the passenger window.

I kept replaying that shit
over and over again.

I was like, "No. No!

No, don't let me go, Dad.
Don't let me go!"

Every once in a while
I would look at him.

[whimpers] "Why don't
you believe me?

I told you I couldn't--
I don't know why."

Don't make me
laugh right now.

This is exactly what
my dad said to me.

This is how my dad tried
to make me feel better.

This is exactly
what he said. Look.

Don't make me laugh.
This is exactly what he did.

He was driving, right?
He's like--

"I almost lost you
today, didn't I?"

What?

What the fuck
does that mean, man?

He's my dad though.

I know you guys hear
all the stuff that you hear

and you guys are like,
"wow, Kevin, that's messed up.

It probably doesn't get
any worse than that."

Well, you're wrong.
It does.

Uh, let me tell you
the worst person in my family.

The worst person
in my family is my Cousin Al

and I'll tell you why.

My Cousin Al was on drugs too,
but unlike my dad

Al found Jesus.

See, but Al's one of those
people that found Jesus

and now that he found Jesus,
he tries to throw Jesus
on everybody.

You ever meet
somebody like that?

For no reason at all
they throw religion at you.

You did nothing to deserve
this conversation.

No matter what you say,
they bring up religion.

"Hey, good morning, Al."

"It is a good morning
because Jesus woke us up.

Hello, boom.
I love him. Do you?"

"What?

What the fuck does that
have to do with anything, man?

I'm trying to play basketball.

This ain't got shit
to do with nothing."

Al got mad at me
because I live in L.A.

He said, "Kevin,
you out here in Hollywood

doing God knows what.

Sex? Drugs?

Money?
Lord knows what you're into.

You need to get
a relationship with God."

I said, "Don't talk to me
about God. I'm fine, okay?

You the one who's on drugs.

You get a relationship
with God."

He got mad.
Now anytime he get mad,

he always gotta bring up
some dark shit from his past

that nobody needs to know.

Outta nowhere he says,

"Kevin, let me
tell you something.
I know I was on drugs,

but I found Jesus.

Granted I didn't know him

when I was out there
sucking dick for money,

but I'll tell
you something..."

I said, "Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Who-- Wait-- First of all,

you're not gonna
speed past that

like you didn't just say
what you just said."

I said, "What was this?
What year was this?

He said, "It was in the '80s.
Everybody was doing it."

This is the shit
that pissed me off.
He said,

"Your dad was
back there with me."

I said, "What?"

My dad was like, "All right,
all right, all right.

Hey, you gonna learn today."

"Uh, no the fuck I'm not.

You gonna keep that lesson
to yourself."

I told my dad
to go get one cup

and put your name on it.
"That is your cup.

Ain't gonna drink out
of another goddamn glass
in this house.

That's it for you."

[chuckles]

Al...

Al was a different
ballgame, man.

Al single-handedly destroyed
my mom's funeral.

Al... Here's the thing.

First of all, I'm gonna
be honest with y'all.

My mom passed away
five years ago, okay?

Now, my mom died from cancer.

At the time,
was it difficult? Yes.

But me and my brother,
we got through it.

We knew it was coming,
so we prepped ourselves.

We're at the funeral,
funeral's almost over.

Pastor gets up, he says,

"Would anybody like
to say any words

on Nancy's behalf?"

It's quiet.
Nobody says nothing.

All of a sudden,
my Cousin Al gets up.

He said, "I got something
I need to say."

You can hear everybody
in my family suck their teeth.

"Shit.
God damn it. Shit!"

I cannot make this up.

This is the speech
that my cousin gave

at my mom's funeral,
word for word.

He comes to the podium,
he said, "Uh...

Uh...

Before I say anything,

I just wanna
start off by saying

God is good all the time."

Now when people say that,

in return,
you're supposed to say,

"And all the time,
God is good."

Nobody said nothing. Listen.

Look. When I say it again,
just be quiet.

Don't nobody say shit.

I wanna show y'all
how mad he got.

Don't make me laugh.
Just be quiet, okay?

I wanna show you
how fucking mad he got.

All right,
don't make me laugh. Stop.

Exactly what he said.
He said, "Uh...

Uh...

Before I say anything,

I just wanna
start off by saying

God is good all the time.

Oh, don't nobody know
what the fuck

they supposed
to say back to Jesus?

Say shit back to Jesus!"

Look, my grandma got scared.

She was like,
"God is good all the time."

She started messing it up.
"God is good all the time.

Sometimes He's not.
I don't say nothing about it.

I just...

Take me, Jesus." [moans]

Look, my grandmom is
the king of fake pass-outs.

She'll pass out
for three seconds, wait,

and then peek to see
if anybody looking.

"Take me, Jesus."
[moans]

"Grandma, I saw you.
Come on, get up.

Get your ass up.

Get your old faking
ass up, Grandma.

You didn't pass out."

Here's the rest
of the speech.

Word for word,
it's the rest of the speech.

He goes, "Uh...

Before Nancy died,

she owed me
$53 and some change.

Now, Kevin, real quick,
how does that work?

Does that roll over to you?
Do I get it from you?

Whatever.
We'll figure it out.
We'll talk about it.

Uh...

Life is funny, ain't it?

Sometimes when people die,
you gotta laugh.

Ha-ha-ha, hey!

Love you, Nance. Peace!"

This nigga walked off
like it was a concert.

We was like,
"What the fuck?
Wait a minute!"

Now before
y'all judge my family,

lemme tell you how crazy
this funeral got, okay?

First of all,
all our families are crazy.

We just come
in different races,
shapes and sizes.

Now at any funeral
you go to,

there's always
one person at the funeral

that's there to avenge
the death of whoever died.

They want payback.

That person was
my Uncle Richard Jr., okay?

Now, all my real
Kevin Hart fans

know who
my Uncle Richard Jr. is.

For those who don't know,
"Say it with your chest."

That's my
Uncle Richard Jr., all right?

Now, like I said,

my mom died from cancer.

Everybody knows this
except my Uncle Richard Jr.

Funeral's over.

Everybody's outside.
They're consoling one another.

It's a real emotional time.
I'm talking,

my uncle comes up,
taps me on the back.

He said, "Kevin,
I just wanna let you know

whoever did this is
gonna die tonight."

"Excuse me?
What do you mean?
What are you saying?"

"I'm just trying to tell you
I'm about to peel

this motherfucker's muffin cap
back blue tonight, nigga!"

I said, "Unc, cancer did it.
It was cancer."

He said,
"Well, you tell cancer
I'm looking for him.

And when I find him,
I'ma shoot him in the face.

Twice! Me! By myself!

One gun, one bullet,

all day, every day.

Wake up, go back to sleep,

take a nap.

You ready to go
night-night, nigga?

You about
to go night-night, nigga!

Everybody go
night-night, nigga!"

I said, "Okay."
I said, "I can't.

I can't do this. I can't."

I said, "Unc, you go
tell him by yourself.

I can't."

The reason why I couldn't,

it was time for me
to be a pallbearer, okay?

Now here's the thing.

It was time for me to go
be a pallbearer.

I had to go
pick up the casket,

we had to carry
the casket down the aisle,

put the casket in the hearse.

Now I've never been
a pallbearer before.

I've been offered several
pallbearer positions

but I turned 'em all down.

The reason why
I turned them down,

I'm small.
I've got little arms.

My biggest fear is that
you're gonna put me

next to somebody
that's tall with long arms.

I gotta make up for the space.

I gotta hold
the casket up here.

I fuck around,
get tired, my arm starts
shaking, I drop it.

Everybody look at me like,
"Why you drop it?"

I'm like, "I never had it."
"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't.
I thought we was gonna
pick it up on three.

Nobody counted.
Y'all just assumed
I had it.

I didn't have it.
My hand hurt.

I thought it was
gonna bleed. Whatever."

I don't wanna be
in that situation.

But for this time,
I don't have a choice.

It's my mom.
It's my mom's funeral,
so I have to do it.

So I'm on the right side,
I've got the casket over here.

My brother's
on the left side, he's got
the casket over there.

Keep in mind
it's my mother
and it's her funeral,

so I'm emotional.
I'm crying. I'm a mess.

"No!" [crying]

"No! She--
She wasn't ready!

She wasn't ready!"

So this is why
my dad's an asshole.

My dad seen me crying.
My dad stood up,

punched me
in the back of the head.

"Stop being a bitch!
Man up! She gone."

I said, "Nigga,
that's it, man!
Fuck this shit, man!"

I forgot.
I forgot where I was.

I threw the casket.

When I threw it,
my Cousin Al stood up.

He was like,
"It should've been me, Lord!

I was the one
sucking dick for money!"

My dad was like, "All right,
all right, all right.

Hey, you gonna learn today."

"Shut the fuck up, Dad."

My grandmom passed out.
"Sucking dick?" [moans]

"Grandma, get--
You're peeking. Grandma.

Somebody get Grandma's ass
out of the church.

Lying in front of God."

Now I talk
about my dad a lot,

but understand
something, people,
I love my dad to death.

I wouldn't be
the man I am today
if it wasn't for my dad.

To be honest with y'all,
I'm just like my dad,

I just don't do drugs.
I got my dad's temper.

I know I do.
That's why I'm going
through a divorce now.

When I get mad,
I don't argue no more.
I fucking leave.

That's how I handle shit.
Now I'm not spiteful
like my dad.

My dad is very spiteful.
When my dad gets mad...

I remember him and my mom
would argue, right?

No matter what
he bought in the house,

he would take
with him when he left.

I don't give
a fuck what it was.

If you were cooking
a steak in the pan

and my dad bought it,
when he left,

"Bitch, get the goddamn steak
out of the pan."

"What we gonna eat?"
"Bitch, put the steak
in my hand.

I'm ready to go."

She would put a hot steak
in his hand.

"Fuck! Bitch,
put it in a bag."

He was fucking crazy.

I remember my dad took
all the Christmas lights

off the Christmas tree
on Christmas Eve.

Do you know how-- Listen.

Do you know how mad
you gotta be to take

the Christmas lights off
the goddamn Christmas tree?

Do you know
how long it take

to take the Christmas lights
off the fucking
Christmas tree?

And to keep an attitude
that whole time?

"Yup, y'all done
fucked up today. Too late.

Too late.

It's gonna be
a dark Christmas
in this bitch,

I'll bet you that.

Ain't nobody gonna
see shit in this house.

How many sets of lights
I put on this goddamn
Christmas tree?"

[laughs]
My dad was fucking crazy.

Now I'm not gonna
lie to y'all.

When I left,
I did take some stuff.

See, but I took stuff that
she didn't realize

was important
until it was gone.

Like when I left,
I took all the backs
to her earrings.

Uh...

Yeah, yeah, I don't
want the earrings.
I just want the backs.

You can put 'em on,
but you're gonna
fucking lose 'em,

'cause I got the backs.

I suggest you go buy
a pack of pencils

and get popping
with those erasers, bitch.

I got
the goddamn backs, okay?

That's the thing, fellas,
you gotta hit 'em low.

Gotta take stuff
they don't realize
is important.

I'll tell you
what else I took.

I took the headboard
to the bed.

Now I know when I say that,
a lot of y'all are like,

"Kevin, why would you take
the headboard to the bed?"

I'll tell you why.
The headboard to the bed

is very important to a man.

That's what motivates us
during sex.

Ladies, it's not you,
it's not the noises
that you make.

It's the fucking headboard,
this sound right here.

[thudding]

That's motivation.

That's the motivation.
If you don't believe me,

next time you're
having sex with your man

and you hear the headboard,
look at your man's face.

I'll bet you
any amount of money

his face matches the sound
of the fucking headboard.

Bet money.

[thudding]

It all goes together.

That's what we do.

I'm just telling you
what I know.

Now I'm not
a hypocrite, people.

I'm not gonna
make it seem like

my relationship
didn't work out

and it's all her fault.
I'll take responsibility.

I'm not the same man
that I used to be.

I fell off in some areas.
I can admit that.

Sexually, I fell off.
I don't know what happened.

One day I woke up,
shit was different.

My moves was gone.
I was just bad.

I'm being honest. I don't care.
My dirty talk changed too.

Here's the thing
with talking dirty...

I can say dirty shit.
I just don't like it
when you say stuff back.

'Cause when you say
stuff back, then I gotta
say something back

to what you just said.
It's too much. Shut up.

Just lemme say
what I gotta say.

It's too fucking much.
That's the worst.

Fellas, you ever say some
real good shit to a girl

and she say something
back too quick,

you don't got
no response for it?

I ain't the only man here
that's been stumped.

Every man here
has been stumped.

We say some good shit...

"Yeah, you like
this dick, don't you?"

"Oh! What I like
about it?"

"I don't know.
I didn't expect you
to say what you said

when you said it.
I thought--

I thought you were
gonna let me keep going,

'cause I had some other
stuff I wanted to say,

so let's just stop.

I wanna write some
stuff down so I can--

It's no big deal. Whatever."

I'm weird when
it comes to sex, man.

I get uncomfortable very fast.
I really do.

I'm not lying to y'all.
But here's the thing.

I don't bite my tongue.

When I'm uncomfortable,
I'm gonna tell you.

I am. I've done it
several times.

That's why I use safety words.

For those who do not know
what safety words are,

safety words are the words
that you use to let
a woman know

that you're not comfortable
with what's going on.

My safety word is pineapples.
That's my word.

Pineapples. The reason why
I use pineapples

is I don't like
saying shit like, "Stop.
Get the fuck off me.

Let me go. I don't like it."
It makes me look like a bitch.

Pineapples, different.
I told you what it is.

We both understand
the meaning of the word.

Now here's an example
of how you use it.

This is when
I don't feel comfortable.

I don't like it
if a woman's riding me,

but she makes
my whole body move.

I don't think no man

should ever do
this shit right here.

Shaq's big ass probably got
some shit like that.

[moans]

"Oh, shit."

"I don't like it.
Pineapples. It hurts.
I don't wanna do it."

It fucking hurts.

You know why I don't
like that shit?

I'm gonna tell you
my biggest fear.

My biggest fear is a girl
making a headboard
rock on me.

As a man, what do you do
when you hear that shit?

You hear that...

And you look up,
she all aggressive.

"Pineapples, bitch.
That's it, get up. No.

Not today. Not about
to fuck the shit out of me

like I'm a little-ass boy.
That's it.

So you can see me
on the street and talk shit."

"I fucked the shit out of that
little ass nigga last night.

Him! You, bitch.

I fucked the shit out
of you last night, what?"

I said pineapples
six times.

This bitch ignored me
every time.

[laughs] There's a lot
of stuff I don't like.

Ladies, I don't like it

when you get nasty too fast.
Here's the thing.

If you nasty, ladies,
and you know you nasty,

baby-step me
into your nasty world.

Don't just assume that
because I'm a man
I'm nasty too.

It's our first time
having sex.

First time we're having sex,
you come out of the bathroom,

"Ooh! I'm ready!
Ah! Mmm!"

"Pineapples. I don't--

I don't wanna do it.

Pineapples!"

[crying] "I wanna go home.

I don't wanna--

[screams] I wanna go home!

What are you--

What did you put
in your mouth?

What was that?
You didn't chew anything.

I don't-- You just started--
I don't like it. Pineapples.

I don't like it."

I'll tell you
what else I don't like.

Ladies, I don't like it
when you take
my underwear off.

I'm grown.
I can do it myself.

Don't treat me
like no fucking boy
'cause I'm small.

I can't stand that shit.

You ever have a girl
roll your drawers down

when you didn't expect it?

"Hey, baby. Hey!
Wait a minute! Hey!"

Look on the ground,
your drawers be in
that panty ball?

They're fucking--

"Bitch, that's a pair
of boxers.

You'd better extend it
before I punch you in
the fucking throat.

Got my shit looking
like a balled-up thong
on the fucking floor.

I'll chop you
in your goddamn neck."

I'm just being honest.

Now, ladies, I know
what you're thinking.

"Kevin, you don't like
all this stuff about us.

I'm quite sure there's
some stuff that we
don't like about you."

You're absolutely right.

I'll tell you what
you don't like about me.

I don't have sex
for very long.

I'm not playing.

You've got about
a good 20 to 23 seconds
with me, ladies.

And I'm very serious.

I'm serious.
Here's the thing.

I don't care.
I come quick. Whatever.

It is what it is.
Fellas, if you come fast,
embrace it.

Be good in that
amount of time.

All you gotta do
is disguise it.

Put a girl
in a lot of positions.
That's what I do.

I put you in nine position
in 23 seconds.

I'm not playing.

You don't believe me?
Okay, all right. Watch this.

I'ma fuck the shit
out of this stool
for 23 seconds.

You brought this
on yourself.

Don't make me laugh.
This is serious shit.

Shut the fuck up.
You're about to get it. Go!

[cheering]

[crowd clapping]

[groans]

"Whoo!

Whoo!

You all right?

You want some juice?"

That's how you know--

When you ain't do shit, but,
"You want some juice?"

When a man ask you
if you want some juice,

you know his dick
wasn't shit.

"You want some juice?

I'm going to the kitchen
and get some juice.

You want some juice?

Want me to make you
some juice?

I can make you
some juice from scratch."

Fellas, y'all get
that hump in your back?

You know what that is?
You ever get that
turtle shell?

You come too hard. [groans]

That shit right there. [groans]

That turtle shell
with your head going in
and out of the shell?

[groans]

Shit! Just caught
a Charley horse in my back!

This is true stuff.

Ladies, I'll tell you
what else I don't like.

I don't like it when
you guys get drunk as shit
while your man is sober.

I don't. You know why?

'Cause when y'all get drunk,

that's when you
wanna be nasty.

But the nasty stuff
that you wanna do doesn't
make any sense.

It's stupid! Y'all do
the same type of shit,

stand in that same
dumb-ass drunk stance.

"Hey, babe.

Come here.

Come here.

Hey, put your--
Put your dick on the counter.

Let me suck your dick
on the counter."

"Excuse me?"

"Put your dick on the counter.

Let me suck your dick
on the counter."

"Bitch, we in 7-Eleven.
I'm not about to put

my dick on the goddamn
counter at 7-Eleven."

"Get a bag of Doritos,
put Doritos on your dick.

Let me suck
Doritos off your dick."

"What?"
"Let me suck the Dorito--

You scared to let me suck
that cheesy dick?"

"Pineapples. Get in the car.
I'm not gonna deal with this.

Pineapples.
Suck a cheesy dick?

What the hell are
you talking about?

What the hell
is wrong with you?"

Women always want you
to suck on their titty

when they're drunk.
You ever notice that?

All the time. "Hey. Babe.

Hey."

They do
that drunk-ass hiccup.

[hiccups] "Hey.

Come here. Come here.

Suck my titty real quick."

"What?"

"Suck on my titty real quick."

"Bitch, I'm pumping gas.

I can't suck your titty
while I'm pumping gas."

"Put some gas
on my titty and suck
the gas off my titty."

"All right, pineapples.
You're just fucking stupid.

So I can forget I did it,
light a cigarette,

blow my goddamn mouth off?
Is that what you want?

Stupid ass."

Every man in this room
has had an experience
with a drunk girl.

Every man has.
My experience was bad.

It was horrible.
This girl was drunk as shit.

I knew she was drunk
'cause she didn't have
any balance in her neck.

She was
all over the place.

We in the car,
I'm driving, she in
the passenger seat, right?

Out of nowhere she sat up,
she said, "Kevin,

I'm about to hit you
with some new nasty shit."

I said, "Whatever.
Do you. I don't care."

Out of nowhere,
she leans over.

I'm thinking
she about to give me head.

She put her throat
on my balls.

Out of nowhere she said...
[growls]

I said, "Oh!"

[groaning]

She said, "I'm humming
on your balls."

I was hitting
the gas and the brake
at the same time.

"No. Ah!"

[mimics tires screeching]
"Oh, shit."

I'm just being
honest with you.

You know what else
I don't like?

Ladies, I don't like
the back-it-up girls.

The back-it-up girls,
for those who don't
know who they are,

they're the girls
that do too much when
you're having sex.

These girls--
"Yeah, motherfucker. Yeah."

I don't like that.
Pineapples.

I've got a little pelvis.
It hurts.

You're gonna pop
my belly button.
I don't wanna do it.

I don't fucking like it.

That's the worst shit
ever, fellas,

when you let
a girl that back you down
all over the bedroom.

Do you know how stupid
you look when you let
a girl back you down?

I'm serious.
All you gotta do is

catch one reflection
of yourself in the mirror.

I bet you'll never
let it happen again.

Look, this is how dumb
you look.

This is what
it look like. Look.

You supposed to be having sex,
she got you doing P90X.

Go sit your
stupid ass down, man.

What the fuck
your calves burning for
while you're having sex?

Now, ladies, the reason
why I know all this stuff...

Like I said, I've been single
for a while now,

so I've been out,
I've been in the clubs.

I've been on the scene.
I see what's going on.

Do I like the clubs? No.

Do I like the single life?
Not really.

But I'm in it.

The reason why I go to clubs

is 'cause my friends
make me 'cause they can't
get in without me.

So I have to go.

Here's the thing.
I'm gonna tell you

what shocked me
the most about the clubs.

I didn't know
that dancing shit--

That whole
dance-battle shit--

I didn't know that
that was real.

I thought
it was just on TV

with dance crews.
That shit is real,

like grown-ass men
be battling face to face.

Grown-ass fucking men.

The shit that
make me laugh the most

when you watch people battle

is the dude that be
calling the dances out.

He says shit,
you have no clue.

You never knew
this was going on.

"Oh, shit!
That nigga in your house!

He walking your dog!"

"Where the fuck
he get the dog?
When he get the dog?"

[laughs]
I got involved
in one dance battle.

One dance battle.
I go to a club, right?

I'm with my boy Spank.
Now here's the thing.

Spank can dance.
Spank can dance
his ass off.

Personally, I think Spank
is a little too tall

to do some of
the dances he does.

Spank is like 6'5".

Shouldn't do some of them,
but whatever.

It's his business.
We go into a club,

Spank walking
in front of me,
I'm behind him.

When we get there,
he hear a song.

He's like, "Oh, shit.
This my song."

He dropped his ass
down twice. Bop. Bop.

Now here's the thing.
I'm right behind him.

I'm small. His ass hit
my lip a little bit.

Not a lot,
but it definitely--

I said, "No, no, no. No."

The D.J. was like,
"Oh, shit! Them niggas'
dirty wining."

"No, we're not.
Don't do that.

Don't say that.
Don't put that message
out there."

I said, "Hey, man,
don't fucking do that shit
in front of me.

Go out there and dance
if you wanna dance."

He said, "All right.
Cool, cool."

He go out there
on the dance floor.

He see this girl,
he start dancing.

He ain't doing nothing crazy.
He's just two-stepping.

Mmm! Mmm!
Him and the girl dancing.

Out of nowhere,
this guy walks up.

He got five guys
with him, right?

He grabbed the girl.
He looked at Spank

and he said,
"Hey, man, you don't want
this fucking problem."

Now in my mind I said,
"Oh, shit, we about to fight."

So I did what I do.
I took a beer bottle.

I broke it, 'cause I was
about to stab this bitch
in the face.

I'm lying.
I tried to break it

it didn't break,
so I sat down.

Listen, whatever.

It has nothing to do
with the story.

It's neither here nor there.
Okay, so I sit down.

I'm looking. This is
the shit that was wild.

When the guy moved
the girl, he said,

"Yeah, you don't want
this fucking problem."

Out of nowhere
he was like, "Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

Now this is the shit
that made me laugh.

When he was doing this,

his friends
behind him was like...
[vocalizing tune]

I was like,
"What the fuck is--
What is going on?

What the hell is this?"

So he grabs Spank's chest.

When he grabbed his chest,
he was like,
"Yeah, what I got?

What I got? What I got?"

Now the bitch in me came out.
I was like,

"What is it?
What's in his hand?
What does he have?"

He said, "I got
your heart, nigga.

I got your fucking heart.
I'm about to eat it.

Ah... Ah... Ah..."

He said, "Yeah,
I ate it, bitch.
Ooh, it's nasty."

Threw it back up.
He said, "Take it back."

Mmm.

Hit Spank on the head,
Spank came back to life.

'Cause technically,
Spank was dead
for 32 seconds,

because the guy
had his heart.

So when he gave it back,
I was like,

"Yo, Spank, we should leave

'cause next time
he might not be that nice.

He might not give it back."

So Spank was like,
"Yo, man, fuck that.

He wanna battle,
let's battle."

I said, "Spank,
there's five of them.

You're not gonna do it
by yourself. Tag me in."

He said, "What?"
I said, "Tag me in.

Hit my hand,
I'm gonna go here,

I'm gonna bring it
right back here.

Okay? Just hit my hand,
I'm gonna go here with it,

I'm gonna bring it
right back here."

He said, "No, Kev,
fuck that. I got him.

I'm about to get in
a car on this bitch."

I said, "What?"

He said, "I'm about to
get in a car on his ass."

I said, "Whatever.
Fine, do you."

He said, "When I get to
the other side of the room,

throw me the car keys."

I said, "My real car keys?"

He said, "Bitch,
throw me the keys."

I said, "Okay, I'm not
gonna argue with you.

Whatever, fine. Okay."

So Spank starts dancing.

He gets to the other
side of the room.

He going off, right?

He said, "Kev,
I'm at the car.
Throw me the keys."

I take out my car keys,
I throw 'em hard as shit.

[grunts]

When I throw 'em,
this bitch ducks. Mmm.

When he ducks, it hit
the glass behind the bar.

All the glass break,
alcohol fall down.

The bartender looked at me.

He said, "You gonna have to
pay for this shit."

I said, "I would,

but the way that
my bank account is set up,

I got a checking
and savings..."

Y'all been great, L.A.
I'm Kevin Hart.

I gotta get the fuck
outta here. Thank you.

♪ Everybody stand up... ♪

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ I've been on the top
For a minute ♪

♪ So no wonder
Why it's cool ♪

♪ I'm the dude
That they hatin' on ♪

♪ But, homie, you can't
And haters just won't ♪

♪ Let me continue
Doin' me ♪

♪ I'm so sick, I'm so ill
Go ahead and call yo' mama ♪

♪ I flow like H20
From Mexico, Tijuana ♪

♪ My styles break ground
Smoke y'all like marijuana ♪

That was it.

That's how it be.

Makin' it do
what it do, baby.

Okay? I came,
I saw, I rocked.

You saw it.
I don't gotta say it,

'cause you saw
what just happened.

Let me tell you something.
Slide right over, bitches.

I suggest you sit
back down in your seats

'cause I got
something to show you.

[upbeat music playing]

All right, listen up.

I'm about to
give you your names.

You're Mr. Brown.
You're Mr. Blonde,

Mr. White,
Mr. Blue, Mr. Pink.

Wait a minute.
Why am I Mr. Pink?

Because I said so.

Well, why can't we just
choose our own colors?

I'll tell you why you can't
choose your own color.

'Cause I'm the one
that sat up all night

trying to figure out
who was going to be who

according to the way
it was going to go down.

Now that I know
how it's going down,
I know who's who.

-And you're Mr. Pink.
-It's just a fake name, man.

Man, that's easy
for you to say.
You're Mr. White.

Your name is cool.
Why don't we just trade?

Shit! You think
I'm gonna let a grown man
call me Mr. Pink?

That's a man law.

See what I'm saying?
It sounds gay.

Mr. Brown sounds
like "Mr. Shit."

You know what?
If it's all right with you,
I'll just be Mr. Fuchsia.

-Mr. Fuchsia is gayer.
-Definitely.

Hey, hey!

You're gonna
be Mr. Pink, okay?

You're Mr. Brown.
I don't care if the name
sounds like shit

or smells like shit.
You're Mr. Brown.

You're Mr. Pink
and you're Mr. Brown!

I'm not gonna keep telling--
You're Mr. Pink, man.

I sat up all night.

You hear me?
You're Mr. Pink.

That's the way
I figured it out.

Now what is your name?
What-- Tell me?

Mr. Pink, man.
But you know,
I prefer Mr. Fuchsia.

Come on, man,
just call yourself Mr. Pink.

Now can we get on
with this shit?

What the fuck
is on your goddamn face?

Why you here
dressed like a mime?

Nigga, you told me to come

as your favorite character
from a bank-robbery movie.

I chose Dead Presidents.

Did we not
all say Reservoir Dogs
was our favorite movie?

-[all agreeing]
-I said Reservoir Dogs.

I sent the email.
Didn't you get the email?

And I tweeted it.

I got the tweet.
I definitely got the tweet.

I'm not following you.

Ain't that about a bitch?

Remember when you said
that shit about
the dark-skinned girls?

I stopped-- That's when
I stopped following you.

You following
me though, right?

-Hell yeah,
I'm still following you.
-Oh, cool.

Okay, you know what?
Hey, listen, listen.

We're about
to rob a bank, okay?

We gotta be together.

We don't have room
for error. Focus.

Now we need to be
on the same page,
'cause right now we're not.

We not on page two.
We on page one.

We need to flip back
to page number one

and read the
third paragraph.

We can't turn to page two
'cause we're on page one.

[door thuds open]

Boy?

Y'all ready
to set it off
in this motherfucker?

Dance, bitch.

Oh, sh-- God damn!

[man] That's what
I'm talkin' about.

Jail. That's where
we're going, jail.

-♪ 'Cause I'm a hustler ♪
-♪ Fuckin' hustler, man ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a hustler, bitch ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a hustler, bitch ♪

♪ Livin' in the streets
A hustler ♪

♪ Stone-cold cash ♪

♪ From the cradle
To the grave ♪

♪ Diamonds, furs ♪

♪ And pinafores ♪

♪ Gangster never change ♪

♪ They call me suicide king ♪

♪ When I cop that
Click clack ♪

♪ Pullin' all their triggers
On the dime ♪

♪ When I flow back
Bitches cry ♪

♪ When plush-black
Comes, Jack ♪

♪ Been around the block
Like a rat pack compact ♪

♪ Fuck that, I could tell you
What you wanna know ♪

♪ Slick-combed cats
In the pocket in the club ♪

♪ Gonna get ya
Gonna get ya ♪

♪ Livin' in the streets
A hustler ♪

♪ Stone-cold cash
From the cradle to the grave ♪

[man over radio]
Rise and shine, Los Angeles,

it's ten o'clock in the a.m.

All right, guys,
let's synchronize our watches.

The time right now is 1:00...

Uh...

I don't have a watch.

What you mean
you don't have no watch?

You didn't say,
"Bring a watch."

Should I have to?

If you want me to bring it.

What are we doing today?

Robbing a bank.

Okay, so you don't think
you need a damn watch

to know what time
you need to get out of
the goddamn bank?

For what? We all together.

You know what? Forget it.

You don't need no watch.
Just count in your head.

That's what you do.
That's how you keep track.

-All right, dude?
-What?

My sugar's low.

I gotta stop and
get something to eat.

You don't need shit
else to eat, fat boy.

We haven't got time
for that shit anyway.

How you know
what we got time for?

'Cause you don't got
no goddamn watch.

-Dumbass.
-That's it. Done.

Okay? We comin' up
on the bank, guys.

Game faces on
right now. Let's go.

[ticking]

Whoa!

You all right?

-[both muttering]
-Y'all are good?

What're you doing, man?

Hey, hey!
What the hell is going on?

Man, I think
he nervous, man.

I told you to tie
your goddamn shoe in the car.

You better
get it together.

Man, let's focus now.

[teller] Next in line.

Hey, how you doin'?
I got a question.

Hypothetically, if this bank
was to get robbed,

is my money okay?

[whistling]

-I got it!
-Shh.

[Joey] I mean don't worry
about what I just said.

Let me just
withdraw my money.

I need all my money, yeah.
It's just about $95.

[grunting]

Oh!

[shrieking]

I'm part of it.
I'm sorry.

Put my money
in the motherfuckin' bag!

[growling]

-Put the money in the bag!
-[taser crackling]

Dang it.

Get your--
get your--

Get the fuck down! Down!

Everybody get the fuck down!

Get the fuck down!
Everybody get the fuck down!

Get the-- Everybody!

You, bitch,
you better get down.

Get your ass down.
Everybody down!

Sixty seconds.

Right.

-Forty-five.
-I'm gonna shoot somebody.

-Twenty-five.
-I know!

-Fifteen.
-I got it.

Hey, get your ass up.

Give me the goddamn gun.

Give me my gun.
You think-- Get down!

-Five seconds.
-Wait, you gotta start over.

I just got up here.
We can't be at five that fast.

You gotta start it over.
Robert De Niro didn't start
his speech

until he was up here.

Sixty seconds. 60 seconds.

Everybody listen up.
We're holding this bank up!

Understand something.

We do not want
your money, okay?

We want the bank's money.

Your money is insured by
the federal government.

Now do exactly as I say
and you will not be hurt.

If you have kids and family
that you love,
you will listen.

If you gotta pee or shit,
you will hold it

and possibly piss or shit
on yourself.

If you gotta throw up,
you will throw up
in your hand

and put it in your pocket
and wait until you get--

-[man] Black!
-Mr. Black?

Right, right.
Hey, you, get your ass--

Oh.

Oh, God damn.

Wait a minute.

Hey. Hey, beautiful.

How you doin'?

I've been better.

Right, considering
what's going on right now.

-Yeah. So this your job?
-Yeah.

How they treat you?
They treat you good?

I mean it's okay.
I got benefits.

-Yeah.
-Question?

-Yeah.
-How long you gonna be?

'Cause I gotta be
somewhere at four o'clock.

-So can you...
-No, no, no,
we won't be long.

-[man] Watch out!
-[woman] Oh, shit.

You gotta be kidding me.

Oh, you gotta be
goddamn kidding me.

You got to be kidding me.
Hold on.

-You need help?
-No.

-You sure?
-My feet at the ground yet?

-[woman] I doubt it.
-[Kevin] Guys, am I close?

-Just drop. You good.
-Oh!

-Okay. Give it to me.
-I can't get it out.

-Give me the goddamn gun.
-Ow!

Give me the goddamn--
Sit your ass down.

-Sit your old ass down.
-Okay, okay.

Put your head against
the wall and go to sleep.

-Yes, sir.
-Night-night, nigga.

Nighty night.

Really, dude?

He caught us
by surprise, man.

His old 195-year-old ass
caught you by surprise?

My bad, Kev.

[woman laughs]

-Oh, my God, man.
-What?

You called him Kevin, dickwad.

I called you Kev.
She called you Kevin.

Oh, you a snitch too.

Don't matter.
What're you supposed
to call me?

-Mr. Black.
-Okay.

Why don't you
call me Mr. Black?

That's what we
worked on all day.
I'm Mr. Black.

You know I'm Mr. Black.

-So call me Mr. Black, man.
-Call him Mr. Black!

Think about black pepper.
Think about Kunta Kinte black.

-Right.
-You know?

Think about them black bumps
on Morgan Freeman.

You know how Morgan Freeman
got those black moles
all over his face?

Black like that.
Black like his
little black ass.

-Okay, we get it.
-Just black.

-Thank you.
-Twizzler black.

[Taraji] Yeah, there you go.

Hey, that nigga black
as train smoke.

Blacker than Adebisi from Oz.

Blacker than limo tint.

Black like the back
of Forest Whitaker's
black neck.

-Thank you, Taraji.
-You're welcome, Kevin.

-Okay.
-With your little cute self.

Taraji, I am filming
a goddamn action scene.

Don't call me cute right now.
You just made it real.

You get down!
You better get your ass down.

I'm not getting
on the ground, little man.

You gonna get
your ass on that--

I'm not getting on the ground.

What is the problem?

Because I just
bought this suit.

I'm not getting on the ground
because it's filthy.

They don't wash these carpets.

Fine. I'll get you a suit.

Okay.

Would I be robbing a bank
if I had the goddamn money?

I can't help you with that.

But I'm not getting on
this damn ground.

Get it out of the register.

Oh, it's not coming out
of my drawer, boo boo.

I could get fired for that.

Jackie Robinson,
get your old ass up.

Get the money
out the register.

-[drawer clicks]
-How much was the suit?

-Oh, $400 for the suit.
-Give me $400.

But I'm gonna need $300
for my shoes that are gonna
get scuffed on the way down.

Give me the fuckin'
$400 plus the $300.

Oh, wait,
and $200 for my hair

'cause this carpet's filthy.

I can't, you know, my hair.
So that's two, four, three.

-That's nine, round it up.
-Like $1,000.

Yeah, a G. I'll take a G.

Get the motherfuckin' G
out of there.

"Get the G
outta the register."

-Count it out.
-I want big bills.

The fuckin' bills, bitch.

"Get the big bills, bitch!"

Get the big bills, bitch.

Ha! This is fun.

Get your goddamn money.

"Get my money, bitch."

"Throw me my money!"

Get your goddamn ass--

"Get your ass down!"

You down!

I'm gonna count
my money first.

One, two, three, four...

How long we
been in this bank?

We've been here 11
and a half minutes already.

You need to get your ass down.

Can you ask a little nicer?

Can you please
get down, Taraji?

Okay, Kevin. [squeals]
You're so cute.

So cute! Ooh-ooh!

You know what?
You done called me cute
the last time.

What the fuck was that?

What?

This motherfucker's
signaling people.

I scratched my ass.

Oh, you a dirty motherfucker.

You don't wash
your ass, bitch?

What, you don't know
about hygiene?

-You don't take no shower?
-No.

-Get your ass down.
-I didn't like you anyway.

Yo, we gonna have company.

What's in the vault?
I'm hittin' the vault!

Hey!

[man] Come on!

Let's go!

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Go, leave me.

Yeah. Hey?

I think I got the heavy one.
Yup, I got the heavy one.

-Come on, man.
-I'm coming.

-Let's go.
-Go, go, go.

I'm good!

You better sit the fuck--
Nobody move.

You just got robbed, bitch.

What's going on over here?

I'm trying to figure
this shit out, man.

-Figure what out?
-Can't get the seats up.

Why the hell
did you put them down?

I was trying to make room
for more money.

There's seven of us.
Where the hell are we
supposed to sit?

I just thought
about that shit, man.

What's going on
over here?

Jackass put the seats down
and can't get 'em back up.

Why would you
put the seats down?

Trying to make room
for more money.

But you know
there's seven of us.

Well, I just thought
about that shit.

[sighs in exasperation]

What-- What the hell
is going on?

Jackass put the seats down.

Why the fuck
would you do that?

Trying to make
room for more money.

Fuck. There's seven of us.

Man, I just thought
about that.

Man, what y'all doing?

Jackass here put the
seats down and can't
get 'em back up.

What the fuck you do that for?

-I was trying to
make room for more money.
-There's seven of us.

I just thought
about that shit, man.

What are you--
What the fuck's going on?

-Jackass put the seats down.
-Why'd you do that?

I was trying to make room
for more money.

There's seven of us,
Mr. Brown.

What the fuck are you doing?

I just thought
about that shit.

You're gonna get
somebody killed.

Get your ass
in the car, man.

-Dumb motherfucker, man.
-Come on, y'all, let's go.

We gotta go.

-Come on.
-Let's go.

Uh, Mr. Black?
Where's Mr. Black?

[panting]

There he go.
Go get him.

Shit. Okay, I got it.
Y'all don't worry about it.

I got it, I got it.

-[muttering]
-Yeah.

Y'all gave me the one
with all the $100s.

That's why it's so heavy.
Just go.

-Okay?
-Go. See ya.

Come on, let's go.
Come on!

-He said "go."
-You sure?

-He said "go!"
-You sure he said "go"?

-Yeah, he said "go."
-Just give me a second.

I'll be all right.

I don't think that means go.

-No.
-Oh, shit!

That's definitely "go."

He's doing
that Queen Latifah move, yo!

He's sacrificing
for the team.

[sirens wailing]

I just need a second.
I'll be right there.

That's love, y'all!

That motherfucker's dumb.
Fuck it. Let's go.

-Close the door!
-He said, "Let's go."

-Close the door.
-He's saying "Let's go."

No, no, don't leave.
No, no.

No, no.

No, no!

No!

[siren wailing]

No! No!

Yo!

Y'all don't leave me!
What you leavin' for?

Mr. Brown!

What the fuck
am I thinkin' about?

[grunts]

[Larry King]
On tonight's show,
we have Henry Witherspoon.

He's the father
of the world-renowned
comedian Kevin Hart.

Kevin's wildly successful
standup comedy film,

Laugh At My Pain,

attributes some
horrific actions

to Mr. Witherspoon...

I'll take a glass
of milk, please.

[Larry] First and foremost,
what do you work at?

I'm an engineer.
I'm an oil-burner technician.

[Larry] What does that mean?

That's my goddamn dad.

That mean I fix oil burners.
I take care of burners.

[Larry laughs] Okay...

My damn dad.

What's he doing
on Larry King?

You have thrown
your son in a pool

in which he almost dies.

You steal a police dog.

You ruin your son's
spelling-bee competition.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All those true?

Yeah, every one
of them. Yeah.

Were you stoned
at the time?

Um, let's see.
When I threw him
in the pool,

I was higher
than the Georgia pine.

Uh, when I stole
the police car...

'Cause it was
a car, not a dog.

When I stole the car,
yeah, I was high.

Do you see that shit?
Do you see this shit?

Is Kevin Hart
your biological son
or did you adopt him?

He better be
my biological son.

I supported the nigga.
I paid for him.

[Larry laughs]

Now why does Kevin
have several stepbrothers
and stepsisters

that are the same age as him?

Papa was a rolling stone.

-It is what it is.
-[Larry laughs]

Is it true you took your son
to the wrong day-care center?

Yeah. I got Kevin there
and he took me--

One was on one side,
one was on the other.

He took me to one
and told me, "Go ahead, Dad.

I got it. I'm good."

So I left.
Later on that day,

a priest showed up
where I was working
with my son.

You know what?
I don't need the milk.

I'm going. I'm gonna find out
where the goddamn studio is.

I'm on my way, bitch.

Kevin says that you tried
to force sex on him

at the age of 13
with a female friend's
young daughter.

Is that true?

Yeah, I tried to get him--

Um, that's like this.

Black fathers
want to be sure

that their young boys
turn into young men.

And the best way to do that
is get 'em wet.

-Wet?
-Yeah.

-Good term.
-Yeah.

[theme music playing]

We're back with Spoon.
Henry Witherspoon.

We are now joined
by his famous son Kevin Hart.

What's your relationship now?

Uh, my relationship
with my dad now, Larry,
is excellent.

You know, I gotta
honestly say it's better
than it has been before.

Not that it was ever bad,

but you know,
the older you get,
the more you mature.

I can say right now
I'm at the highest level
of maturity

I've ever been in my life.

And I gotta say
it's because of this
man right here.

Are you best friends now?

-Of course, of course.
-Yeah, yeah.

Uh, this is my man.
My man pots and pans.

You know? I think
we're probably friends
'cause he understands

at the current time,
I'll whip his ass, Larry.

You know, it's not what
it used to be.

-Aha.
-Yeah.

I beat the hell
out of this boy.

It's not what
it used to be.

I'll put my hands
on him now.

He right, but he got
to remember I'll cut him.

Do you think with what you
went through growing up,

that comedy
is therapy for you?

Oh, yes, yes, you know?

Because I didn't have
other outlets.

You know? I mean,

it wasn't like there
was people I was talking to

about what I was going through.

Uh, standup comedy
gave me the ability
to share my stories

and get results.

You know?
Get immediate results.

-Even using your dad.
-Even using my dad.

You know,
you're taking your pain

and getting people
to laugh at it.

You know, guys,
Larry Gelbart,

the great late comedy writer,

told me once he was carrying
his little granddaughter.

And he said, "Do you know why

grandparents and
grandchildren get
along so well?"

'Cause you can send them home
when you're tired of them.

"'Cause they have
a common enemy."

[laughing]

That's pretty funny.
That's very funny.

Thank you, guys.
Hey, tomorrow night,
what a show we've got.

Todd Bridges
is gonna be with us

with his best friend.

His best friend, he says,
stole his image.

That's tomorrow night.
It's gonna be hot.

You will not
want to miss it.

Yeah.

[laughing]

All right, all right,
all right!

I was an honor-roll student
when I went here.

You can look it up.
Do you have your files?

If you want me to
come talk to some kids,
I'm available.

You know? I'm a great
motivational speaker.

Uh, I can definitely
tell kids, "Don't do drugs.

And if you do do it,
just do it once

because that's kind of when

you get the effect
that you need

and you can let it go."

[laughing]

Here's something basically...

At the top, what do you see?

You see
"Graduated to Greatness."

Okay? I mean, I'm in
a great spot right now.

I'm definitely--

I'm definitely
probably on here.

See, that's weird.

I wonder who made this.
They probably just didn't...

Let's just put this down,
because I don't think it's...

I don't think it's
something that's relevant.

Whatever. It's not even
a big deal. I'm not
upset about it.

I'm definitely not mad.

I broke my finger.
Somebody opened the door.

While they opened the door,
I had my finger like this.

I didn't cry. Why didn't I cry?

I'm a fuckin' man.
I took it.

No tears.
I passed out.

That's probably why
I didn't cry.

We about to jump
in the shit right now.
It's gonna get crazy.

Okay? Now I got
some white people on
this camera crew.

I need y'all to look alive,
stay alert.

If I say run, run, okay?

When I say, "Get the
fuck out of here," y'all go.

It used to be he was
my brother.

You know, it done
turned full circle now.

I don't even have a name.

I'm his brother now.

People don't even call me
by my name anymore.

Nothing's changed.

He's got the attention span
of a teen girl.

There's nothing
that's changed about him.
He's still the same cat,

except he's got more money.
He's still--

You know, "Hey, hey!"
Trying to fast-talk me.

"Hey, hey."

Like he's playing
three-card monte.

Everybody want to be famous,
don't nobody want to
do the work.

Spank, give me two, baby.
Let's go.

Let's go, baby.

[both breathing hard]

Come on now. Now you.

Come on, give me that.

Hold 'em up. There you go.
Come on, Harry.

Come on, boy.
Come on.

-Easy greasy.
-Come on now, Clyde.
Give me some.

-That's a strike.
-That's what
I'm talkin' about.

Wayne, give me two.
Give me the belly.
Give me the belly.

All right? How you doin'?
Always-always.

Nate, give me some.
That's the baby.

All right.

[laughter]

Hey!

[babbling]

Look at me though.
Look at me, look at me.

Spoony G!
Come give me some, Spoony G.

Come give me some.

All right, man.
Was it good shit?

Hah!

What's in your mouth?
What's that in your mouth?

[child giggles]