Original subtitles

Yea!

Yea!

Yea,

stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Sit down.

Sit down.

Put the microphone stand down. I ain't gotta be looking small out here.

Don't nobody know the truth.

What's going on? How's everybody doing? Good? Everybody good?

I like that. In good moods.

I like that. You all look good. If you're not good, you look good.

A lot of shit is going on in my life right now.

Just had another baby. I got two babies now. Just had a son...

not too long ago.

Yep. They're both mine.

I can't say shit about it either. They're both mine.

Two kids. Two car seats. That's depressing right there.

You ever try to talk to a girl with car seats in your car?

It won't happen. It's depressing, man.

"Come here, baby, let me talk to you." "What's that in the back?"

"Bitch, look at me. Don't focus on the negative.

Just look at the positive now.

I'm trying to talk to you about some serious stuff now."

Kids, man. Kids change your life. Make you realize how things are different.

I know I'm getting older now because of my kids.

I'm starting to fuss a lot. The older you get, that's what you do.

You wake up angry. I don't know what the hell I be mad at.

You wake up mad. When you got more than one kid, you wake up angry.

"Hey, who got the thing with the shit in the--

All right, now. All right. Hey!

Heads in beds, right now!"

I don't even know what that means. "Heads in beds!" That's my shit.

My son, I just yell at my son, because he's nine months, he's a man now.

So I yell at him just because.

I get mad, "Hold your head still, boy!"

All day.

That shit is so damn embarrassing. That shit piss me off, man.

You know how stupid that make you look when company come over? Your baby just...

"What's wrong with your baby?"

"I don't know. Put him on his stomach." He still be trying.

It's my damn kid, though.

I didn't know you can get mad at kids to the point where you want to fight.

You're going to want to fight a kid, man. Kids are assholes.

Like, my daughter is an asshole.

She is. We argue.

Me and my daughter argue. She can't even talk.

She knows a couple words, can put a couple sentences together.

Every time I tell her something, she got something to say.

It don't matter what I say, she gotta give me something back.

It make me mad. We got into an argument over juice the other day.

She came into the room, she was like, "Daddy, juice."

I said, "No, you had enough juice. Go get some water." She looked at me.

She was like...

"...juice."

And I looked at her, I was like, "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

Sit your little ass down and get the goddamn--"

I was so mad.

I was mad because I knew she knew what she was trying to say.

She just didn't know how to say it.

Like, in her mind, she was like, "You black midget bitch, get the...

get the juice.

Punk ass daddy."

I knew that's what she was saying.

I could tell by her hand movements. She...

She's like, "You black midget bitch, get the--"

I was so mad.

I wanted to punch her right in the throat.

It's my damn baby, though.

It's my daughter, man.

I'm so protective of my kids, though. I really am.

I don't even like taking my kids out that much no more.

I get into arguments with the other kids. I think kids play too rough.

I do. Me and this boy got into it at Chuck E. Cheese.

It wasn't a fight, it was an altercation.

We got into a little altercation, because my baby was in the balls,

he was throwing the balls at my daughter's head.

Throwing the balls, hitting my daughter right in the head.

My daughter's so damn stupid, she thought it was a game. She playing.

She's like, "Daddy, look!"

I'm getting mad, like, "Throw a ball back!" I'm pissed off.

I look at my son, he's just looking at the shit. He...

I was mad at the way my family looked as a unit. Like, we didn't...

We didn't look good as a unit, man. Like...

My daughter, she was taking balls to the face.

My son's shaking his head and slobbering.

I'm small. We looked like a fucking circus act.

I was so pissed off.

I have never been so mad at my wife in my life.

I was like, "Why would you dress us in different colors? We look like clowns.

From now on, solid colors when we go out.

We look like a team. Solid colors."

My damn kids, though, man.

You gotta accept what you have. Accept the life that you chose.

I don't mind the pressure that comes with kids. I could take that.

I don't like the pressure women put on men. Women put way too much pressure.

You all don't realize how much pressure you put on men.

Is that your lady right there? How long you all been together?

You know what I mean when I say pressure.

She expects a lot from you. She wants you to provide for her and protect her.

Whether you realize it or not, she do.

Like, right now, if a fire break out. Right now, a big ass fire,

go up in flames,

first thing she's gonna do is look at you.

And you gotta come up with a plan in her mind.

"Get on my back. I'm going to bust us out."

She want to hear something stupid like that.

"Bitch, you better stop, drop, and roll and find that exit.

I'm scared too."

But that's what women want. Women like that security.

I'm a great provider.

I got money, I can pay for stuff, I don't mind that. I'm not a protector.

That's where I'm, like, not that guy. You know what I mean?

Women, you want every guy to fight for you. That's not me. I'm not a fighter.

I won't say that I am, I will never pretend to be.

That's not who I am. Prime example, let's say me and you go to the movies.

We're at the movies, having a good time.

Out of nowhere, some guy come up, smack you in the face real hard.

If you're with me, then you just got smacked.

That's something that just--

I'm being honest, all right? I'm not gonna do nothing about it.

Now, we can talk about it when we get in the car. Let's...

Let's figure out why it happened

and see what we can do to prevent it from happening again.

But as far as me going and doing something about it, I'm not going to fucking do it.

Because if he didn't care about your face, I know he doesn't give a fuck about mine.

That's common sense.

Two black eyes ain't gonna get us home.

Somebody got to drive. That's what I'm good at.

I'm a witness. I saw everything.

"When he hit you, I got behind the vending machines,

because I didn't want him to know we were together.

It's none of his business who I'm with.

I can't believe he kicked you when you fell.

That's where I got upset, because you gave up!

You didn't want to fight no more.

Why would he put his boot to your face? That's just disgusting to me.

He should be shot."

See, too many people get knocked out. That's why I don't like to fight, man.

You ever see somebody get knocked out, man? Like, knocked out.

I'm talking about in person.

Like, you witnessed somebody get knocked the hell out.

It changes your opinion. You see somebody get knocked out,

you don't want to fight no more.

"Damn, that looked like it hurt. I don't know if I want to--"

I saw somebody get knocked out. Me and my boy, we're at a club.

We having a good time, partying.

Get money.

Get money. We having a good time, right?

Out of nowhere-- That's how we party, because we're both small.

I don't hang with tall people. It was just us. Right?

So out of nowhere, he get into an argument with this guy at the bar.

The guy at the bar got mad, punched my boy in the face.

As soon as he hit him, my friend fell asleep.

Now, when he woke up, he got mad at me.

He was like, "Kev, how come you ain't get him?"

I was like, "You know what, that's some selfish shit,

because I just saw what he was capable of.

You know what I mean? He made you go to sleep.

I'm not tired. I'm wide awake.

I took a nap. Why would I walk right into that ass-whooping?

That's stupid. If he hit me, and I go to sleep, who's going to wake who up?

You understand what I'm saying?"

I don't want that problem. Ain't nobody trying to fall asleep at a bar.

That's how you get raped. Everybody knows--

The percentages of rapes happen

when people fall asleep at a bar, I promise you.

He was telling me all the stuff that I know.

Saw my uncle get knocked out.

Might have been the funniest shit I've seen.

We was at a family reunion.

First of all, a family reunion is a picnic.

It's kids and shit around, it's a time for fun.

My uncle got drunk, got into an argument with this guy over picnic space.

"Hey, man, you and your kids, y'all not no Harts.

Y'all need to get out of this picnic space."

The guy was like,

"I don't mind moving, but don't curse at me in front of my kids."

My uncle was drunk, he went to curse again.

Before he got it out, the guy hit him.

Ever see somebody get hit so hard,

they try to grab everything on the way down?

It happened so fast, he was like...

My uncle was like, "Let me tell you something, fuck y--"

The shit that made me laugh is he was looking at him the whole way down.

I was, "Just go down. Fall! Shit, man! You're messing up the picnic."

Change came out of his pocket.

I ain't never seen somebody get hit so hard

that change come out of their jeans when they're standing up.

You know how hard a nigga gotta hit you

for loose change to come out of your jeans?

As soon as he got hit, 35 cents flew out his pocket.

I said, "Goddamn.

You just knocked 35 cents out of Uncle Richard Jr.'s pocket."

I ain't never seen nobody get hit that hard.

These are things that I've seen. I've witnessed this, man.

You gotta know who you are as an individual.

If you're not a fighter, understand that.

I know I'm not, that's why I carry a whistle.

I'll blow the shit out of a whistle in somebody's face.

Fuck with me if you want.

You're going to win the fight, but you ain't gonna hear shit tomorrow, bitch.

Put that whistle in your face, bitch.

It's kinda hard to fight a whistle.

You gotta know what you're good at, what you're not good at.

I'm a good arguer. I can argue.

You also gotta know how to get out of things when you argue.

You ever argue with somebody, then they get up, then your mind...

You feel a little different about the fight? You gotta know how to get out.

You don't have to fight when you don't think you're gonna win.

There's certain things you can do to let a person know you're not ready.

I was arguing with this guy at a club.

He's sitting down, I said, "Say something else to me,

I promise you I'mma smack the shit out of you. I mean that.

Say something else, I'mma smack the shit out of you."

That's my thug look right there.

Thugs get to clapping their hands and stand up. "Say something else...

or, on everything I love,

I'mma smack the shit out of you, B, for real."

And he got up, he was bigger than I thought he was.

I was like, "Come on, give me a hug, bring it in.

I'm serious, this is stupid. Come on. There's no reason for us to act--

You can't fight nobody doing this. Come on, man."

There's ways of letting people know you don't want to fight.

I got one fight move.

If you get past that, I don't know what to do. I'm confused.

I'mma let you all see some classified shit.

This is classified, okay? This is my fight move.

"What? Who are you talking to?"

Don't make me laugh. This is serious, all right.

This is serious right now. I'm about to show you all my fight move.

"What? Who you talking to?

Do you know-- Don't talk like you know me!

Bitch, say something then. Say it!"

That's it.

That's it.

It's real quick.

That's classified, all right?

I'll show you one more time. You get one more peek at it.

I'm giving you one more chance to see it, all right? It's real quick.

"What? Who you talking to?

Dude, you don't even know me. You don't even know-- Say something.

Say something!"

That's it.

That's all it is. It's a quick shuffle of the feet.That's all I got.

If you get past that, I'm done. I don't know what to do.

It confuses people. You can think I'm about to kick you, punch you,

happy feet, you don't know what it is.

A lot of different combinations come across with that move.

You gotta know what you're good at as an individual, man.

I don't know, I'm good at seeing things, at noticing things.

I remember one of my friends got jumped one time.

And I was with him. I ran.

The reason why I ran is because I saw it coming.

Like, you know, when you see something coming, you start to break it down?

"Wait. Oh, shit. Wait. Oh, no.

This don't look good. They look angry. Oh."

I took off.

I'mma tell you what's bad about running on somebody.

It's real bad when you run on somebody and they survive the jumping.

Like, because when you see him, you don't know what to say.

Like, I didn't know what to say to him. I was like, "Hey...

Look who's alive! Hey, man!

How'd you make it out of there? Up top. No, nothing? All right.

That's...

No? Up top, nothing? All right."

I saw somebody get kicked in the face before.

That shit was funny. If you get kicked in the face, you deserved it,

because that means you watched the foot coming to your face.

Got to be an asshole to fight somebody using their feet.

The person I saw get kicked in the face, I laughed

because when he got kicked, he looked at us for confirmation.

Like he needed approval on what just happened.

He's like, "Yo, shit, yo!"

"It was him, yeah.

It was... You better look at his other foot before he kick you again.

He's good. That guy's good.

He knows what he's doing."

Would you fight somebody using their feet?

If we're gonna fight, I'mma tell you, "Put your hands up. Let's fight."

Now if I go to fight you, and you start stretching...

that means you know some shit I don't know. I'm not gonna fight you.

I had an incident where a guy started-- Well, he tried. He didn't use it on me.

He was gonna attempt to use his feet.

I was with my mom. Me and my mom, we're in the parking lot of Best Buy,

I'm looking for a parking space. All the spaces was tooken.

One truck was about to back into his spot but was taking too long.

So I got mad, I stole it. I whipped into the spot real fast.

You know when you're wrong,

because you put your head down and roll your windows up. You...

You don't want to look at him. You start humming.

The guy got out of the truck.

He was like, "I know you saw me about to back into that spot.

Back out or we're gonna have a problem." A Chinese guy.

I'm with my mom, I ain't gonna be no bitch.

I was like, "We got a problem." This is how I know I didn't want this.

This is exactly what he did to me. He was like, "We got a problem? Do we?"

"Get in the car. Get in the car, Mom."

Anybody that smack their knees twice is an assassin.

He about to kick your goddamn temple off your face.

That's what he about to do. My mom's all, "Why we--"

"Get in the goddamn car!

Before he kill us, Mom."

I know who to fight, who not to fight, man.

I would love to be a thug.

I swear, I wish I could be a thug. I don't have it in me.

I don't have those thug qualities in me. I was talking to this thug dude.

I was in DC not too long ago, right?

I talked to this guy, we might have talked for about 15 minutes.

I swear to you I don't know what we were talking about.

But he was so passionate about the stuff he was saying,

that's the only reason I stayed to listen.

Here's what he said. It's not a joke. This is how he was talking.

He was like, "Yah-nah I mean? I'm talking to this dude, he's talking about...

Right?

Right, and I'm like... right?

Yah-nah I mean? Nig come up to me I'm... Know what I'm saying?

Here, get dat, know what I'm saying, flip dat, press dat...

Everybody get money!

Bird got who! You know what I'm saying? I'm talking, he said...

Yah-nah I mean? Talking to me--

Right?

Know what I'm saying? He came back.

I looked up, he was dead."

I said, "What, wait a second.

Back up. Back, who-- Well, who killed him? Who? What?"

I was so confused, I thought I was a witness. I said, "Did I see this?

Was I there? I don't want to be a part of it, is what I'm saying."

I've never been so afraid in my life, man.

I just don't do good with thug stuff.

Thug activity.

I had one thug dude tell me he was gonna pop the trunk on me one time.

He's like, "Say something, I'mma pop the trunk on your ass."

Everybody ran. I was like, "Well, where'd you park?"

He looks at me like I was crazy. "Get out of there!"

I just wanted to know how far it was. I might not have to run.

We could catch the train and still get home.

Wish I could be a rapper or some shit.

I really do. You know why I can't be a rapper, though?

Because my voice ain't deep enough. You need a deep voice.

That's the only way people gonna listen to you regularly.

Nobody would buy my album because my voice is too small.

Yeah, bitch, I'm a killer.

I shoot you in your face.

Everybody gonna die.

Every...

body gonna die tonight.

Did he just say...

I'm not buying that shit if he said... Ain't no way.

Certain shit just keeps you from being tough.

Wanna know what's keeping me from being tough? Look at this. This is…

holding me back. Look at this shit here.

Look at this shit. Look at this shit here.

This is really fucking me up, man. Ain't nothing tough about this.

Don't matter what you say,

nobody gonna take you serious if you swing your feet. It don't matter.

I will kill everybody in this bitch tonight!

I ain't fucking playing with y'all. Think this is a game?

No, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the way people treat me around here.

Would you talk to a guy who swung his feet?

If you at a club and I tried. "Let me holler at you for a second.

You, girl, you know damn well who I'm talking to. Wait.

Let me climb down and get my feet together. Wait a minute now."

Rappers make me laugh, though. I swear rappers are funny, man.

You ever see rappers freestyle? Like when they be battling each other?

Ever notice the more angry a rapper gets, the higher his hands get? Ever notice?

Like... like this.

They start off so calm.

Like... This is rappers when they freestyle.

This is the dude when he be listening to the other guy.

"You ready?" "No, I got him. I got him, B."

Wait, this is really how they be, look.

"Real talk."

I need a straight look though.

Hey.

This is how the rapper--

I'm really trying to be a rapper right now.

Like, this... This...

This is the real angry rapper.

"Real talk.

I kill niggas.

I slay niggas that don't love it.

Nigga, you want to beat me to get it, I get it back!"

I'm like, "Oh, shit."

The other dude, he's so confused. "Shit, this nigga's crazy!"

He be trying to follow his hands.

"He's crazy. He's about to kill me. He's gonna cap me."

I can't be that guy, man.

I want to be.

There's so much stuff that I wanted to do that I'm realizing now that I can't do.

I wanted to be an R&B singer for a long time.

But I can't sing, but I can dance my ass off.

If anybody here is trying to be a singer,

I'm about to tell you what you need to know to make it.

This is more classified stuff. All you need to know how to do

is open your hands, close them, and point. That's it.

It sounds crazy. You're like, "What?"

I'm telling you, it look good. Watch this. I'm not gonna sing.

But tell me this don't look like I'm about to say some stuff. Look.

"Oh, shit!

He's gonna sing something!

When he's gonna sing, girl?"

That or the slide out. You know what the slide is?

Ever see an old group be in the thing? Like The Temptations or somebody,

you never know who the lead singer is, so they slide out.

They be like this. They slide out and start singing on you.

That's the best shit ever, because they be talking shit.

"These bitches don't know what's about to hit 'em.

I'm about to slide out on her."

"He's good. This guy is good, he's good."

I was working out and everything.

Serious about my singing career. Had to stop working out.

Some naked guy tried to talk to me in the gym. I ain't like that.

He was ass-naked, trying to have a conversation with me at my locker.

I'm getting my stuff out of my locker.

He came up to me, "How long you been a member?"

I was like, "Why is your dick hard? What kind of gym is this?

What's about to happen, man?"

I got a little butt. That's the first thing I think about.

I didn't have my whistle. If I had my whistle, I would have felt better.

I didn't want to ask for a hug, because he was hard.

I don't want that poking me in the belly button.

That's kind of like intercourse a little bit.

I didn't want to feel that.

I might have been gay. You put it in my belly button, I'm gay.

"You gay?" "Yeah, he put it in my belly button.

That's gotta be gay."

I'm serious. I'm telling you all the stuff I know.

These are things I've been through. I really was serious about working out.

Want to know why I stopped going to the gym?

I saw one of them real strong guys. You ever see them real big dudes?

Real huge, you know what I'm saying? No neck. Just be in the gym working out?

I saw him one day and I just got mad.

I was like, "Dude, why are you still here? That's it, you won! You got 'em all.

Like, why are you still here?"

Like, y'all don't understand how mad that makes me

when you're that big for no reason.

If you're gonna get that big, there's gotta be a reason.

When I ask you why you're working out,

you should tell me, "Training for the Olympics.

I'm about to enter the strongman competition."

Something! There's got to be a fucking reason!

But when you're that big, and you work for T-Mobile,

and you answer the phones...

you strong as shit, and you can't even handle the headset.

"Hello?

Hello?

Thank you for calling-- Hello?"

You start moving shit around the office because you're so--

"Thank you for calling T-Mobile."

Sit your strong, unproductive ass down, man.

Strong as shit with a headset.

They done went through 37 headsets this month...

because your hand's too fucking strong for...

"Boss, another one.

That's five today, Boss. Take 'em out of my check."

I don't know how to use the equipment, either.

I don't know how to use none of the equipment.

The equipment getting too serious now.

There was a time it was regular, you knew what it was, it said the instruction.

Now they got all these universal machines and stuff.

I was trying to work my legs the other day,

and you know the leg machine that goes like this?

Like, you sit on it-- You know what I'm talking about?

I get there, and it was reclined down.

Like, it was all flat on one level.

So I thought it was arms. So I said, "Okay, I'mma work my arms."

My face was burning and everything. I'm doing something right, you know?

So I got up.

When I got up, some guy came and sat down right where my face was.

He was like, "Hey, man--"

I tried to tell him, "Hey, you doing that wrong. That's arms."

He was like, "No, this is legs."

I was like, "That's why my face was burning?

Because I've been smelling people's balls all goddamn--"

I was so pissed off, because I did three sets.

He watched me do three sets. He just...

He just stood by the machine, "There you go.

That's it, pull it up."

Smack you on the ass and everything. "Come on, now!

It's your last set, pull it!"

I didn't like that.

I don't like those guys that try to make a scene at the gym either.

Ever see guys trying to get everybody to look at 'em before they lift something?

I'm on the treadmill. I'm walking on the treadmill.

I can't run. I don't know what it is, so I just walk.

I be on my Blackberry. I just people watch, right?

But it's this guy,

he was either going to jail, or just got out. It was one or the other.

He was one of those "Bigs." Like, the "Little Big." He...

This is the weight bench right here, right? This is the weight bench.

He had, like, three 45 plates right here, he had three 45 plates here.

He didn't want to lift it until he knew everybody in the gym was looking at him.

This is exactly what he was doing.

I was just looking.

"He's about to do this shit. He's gonna do it."

He never did it. He just left, walked out the gym.

Who does that?

Who gets somebody that excited and then don't finish it?

I was pissed off. Why would you play with me, then not lift it?

I was really trying to get big, man. I was serious about the gym.

Something else I thought a gym's gonna do for me, I thought it'd help me mentally.

Had a lot of mental stuff I was trying to get over. Phobias and stuff.

You get a little bigger, you feel better about yourself.

You don't worry about stuff you're afraid of. Got any phobias?

None you can think of? You ain't scared of nothing?

You ever wake up and an alligator in your room?

Bet you he's scared of that. You wake up ass-naked, dick swinging. "Hey! Baby!

Get a blanket!"

That's a bad feeling right there.

I'm afraid of a lot of stuff. Everything I'm afraid of, it's for a reason.

I don't want you thinking it's funny, I just say I'm afraid of some stuff.

Something's happened to me.That's why I'm afraid of the stuff I'm afraid of.

I don't like gorillas. I'm real scared of gorillas.

I am, because it was Daddy's Day. I was at the zoo.

It was me and my babies. You know, I'm by myself.

I got my son in my arm, my daughter here, we're looking at the gorillas.

While I'm looking, I'm trying to explain to my daughter what a gorilla is.

While I'm talking, the gorilla smacked the glass, real hard.

I'm talking about hard as shit.

I'm talking to my baby. "That's a silverback gorilla.

They call him a silverback because he got a silver thing down his back."

While I'm talking, the gorilla smacked the shit out the glass.

In my mind, he just got loose. I was like, "He's out."

I never got out the zoo so fast in my life.

I mean, like, dude, I was haul-assing out the zoo.

You running, you think somebody's about to catch you and you feel it on your neck?

I was running, but I felt something.

I was like, "Oh, shit. The gorilla's about to grab me."

It felt like somebody was doing this. "I gotta do something, get him off me."

I didn't know what to do. I panicked. I dropped my baby. I was...

Made it look like an accident.

They were like, "You dropped your baby!" I was...

I had to save myself. I didn't like that.

I'm serious.

Very, very serious.

That's where I'm at though, man. I'm just scared of a lot of shit.

I don't like gnats. I'm scared of gnats.

You know, little ass gnats. Because me and my mom, we was in the park, right?

I was nine years old. I walked into a bushel of them.

You ever see gnats when they fly together? Like 1,000 gnats in a circle.

I walked into that shit and I panicked. I didn't know...

I didn't know what to do. I stayed there.

All my mom had to do was grab my hand and pull me out of the gnats.

My mom's so damn dramatic.

My mom made it worse because she started yelling.

"Somebody get my baby out of the gnats!

The gnats eating my baby!

Jesus Christ!"

When I heard "Jesus," I thought it was real.

Thought they was eating me.

I punched this girl in the face because of a gnat one time.

Me and this girl was talking.

We was having a real intimate conversation.

While we was talking, a gnat flew by.

I was trying to get rid of the gnat, but she caught the worst of it.

We were talking. I'm like, "You should come over after."

She was like, "I don't mind."

I said, "I'm parked right here. Pull around, you can follow me."

"Matter of fact, I'll tell you what--"

I looked up, she was...

"You didn't see that big-ass gnat?

Gnat tried to lay an egg on my face. It was a pregnant gnat.

I know a pregnant gnat when I see one.

A pregnant gnat tried to kill me."

Just telling you all what I know. I've seen it.

This all happened to me, man.

I don't like dolphins. I'm scared of dolphins.

I am. Me and my wife was in Maui.

She was like, "We should swim with the dolphins."

I said, "No, I told you how I feel about dolphins."

She's like, "Stop being a bitch. Let's just do it."

I was like, "Don't call me no bitch." She's like, "Bitch."

"Man, whatever."

You know when you don't got a comeback, you just gotta, "You stupid."

All I had. I didn't have nothing else to say.

So we go, we get there. They got the dolphins in this tank.

There's eight dolphins in this tank.

I see this old lady on the back of a dolphin. I see this little boy.

I'm like, "I might have been overreacting.

Get the camera, take some pictures of me on the back of the dolphin."

I was hyped. I get in the water, I'm on the back of a dolphin.

The instructor was like, "As soon as you grab the dolphin's fin,

he'll take you around.

Whenever you ready, grab his fin." I was like, "All right, cool, I'm ready."

As soon as I grabbed my dolphin's fin,

my dolphin went straight to the bottom of the tank. He just went down.

So because I was scared, I didn't let go. I held on.

Like, you know when you're scared,

how you start to mentally create shit in your own mind?

I was like, "Okay, it's obvious that I got a racist dolphin. He don't...

He don't like black people.

He's done cut a deal with a shark, bring him a black piece of meat.

Something bad's about to happen."

So I let go, I get to the top. When I let go, I'm so scared,

I start snapping on the instructor as soon as I see him.

I was like, "Nobody saw fucking dolphin number eight missing?

Huh? You all didn't notice I was gone for, like, 30 seconds?

He tried to kill me!"

I was mad at him.

I was so fucking scared, like, "You all see the old lady, the little boy,

but nobody saw the black fucking swirl missing?

Huh? Nobody noticed that the black dot wasn't going around?

You all didn't notice that?"

He was like, "Calm down, man! Calm down.

It's three feet. Just stand up."

I was like, "What?

What'd he say?"

I didn't even realize that I was walking and talking shit at the same time.

Come to find out, I never even went under water. What happened was,

some water splashed in my face,

and I panicked.

I made it up. I made it all up.

I was scared.

I never lied that fast in my life.

He was racist, though. I know he was racist.

How I know? Because when I got out the water--

You know how dolphins are like... They be doing that...

He looked at me. He was like...

And I was like, "What?"

Blew my whistle in his face. I don't play that shit.

He don't work there. I got him fired.

I know people.

What else don't I like? Ostriches. I'm scared of ostriches.

For people who don't know, it's a big-ass bird, the same size as me.

These birds are huge, okay?

I'm in Nebraska. I'm doing a show in Nebraska--

I had to pee. I'm on the side of the road, I'm peeing.

I get done peeing, look to my left, it's a big-ass ostrich

looking at me while I'm peeing.

He was standing on one leg like this.

His body was facing this way, but his head was like this.

I didn't know what it was, so I didn't say anything.

My friend got out of the car, "What's that?"

"I don't know. It's like a big-ass man pigeon. I don't know...

I don't know what it is." He's like, "That ain't no man pigeon."

I was like, "It is a man pigeon." He took a pen, threw an ink pen at it.

As soon as he threw the pen, hit the ostrich in the chest.

Soon as he hit it, his other leg came down.

His body was still facing this way,

but his head was still like this.

Now, when his leg came down,

this is when the bitch started to come out of me a little bit.

I was like, "You know what, we should--

We should probably go get back in the car because we don't know what that means.

You know what I mean? That could be a sign.

That could mean, you got ten seconds to get the fuck out my face

before I kill you. I'mma eat your kids.

We don't know what he's trying to say.

Let's get back in the car where we're safe. We get in the car.

Soon as we get in the car, I start laughing. I'm like...

"You're a bitch." He's like, "You're the bitch."

I'm like, "No, you're a bitch." I'm laughing, driving 30 miles per hour.

I look out the passenger window.

The ostrich was running 30 miles per hour beside the car.

His body was still facing this way,

but his head was still like this.

He was haul-assing...

at 30 miles per hour.

Now, when I'm scared...

Like, if I'm real scared, I get emotional.

I'll start to cry if I'm real scared.

I got a little emotional, I looked at my friend,

I was like, "Why would you--

Why would you throw a pen at it...

if we--

if we don't even know what it is?

No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying, like...

I'm saying we don't even know what it is."

He's like, "Dude, stop bitching. Speed up!"

I lie to you all not, I started driving like 60 miles per hour.

When I tell you all that this ostrich was running

60 miles per hour, I'm not bullshitting.

His body was still facing this way,

but his head was still like this.

You couldn't even see his legs, he was going so fucking fast.

He was moving.

The reason why I was so scared is because he never looked in front of him.

Like, he didn't care about a wall...

another ostrich. He was just looking at us.

But the way he was looking was like he was saying,

"When I catch you all, I'm going to fuck both you all up."

Over a pen.

Over a goddamn pen.

And I was like, "Why don't you just apologize?"

You know what I'm saying?

Because I didn't throw the pen. I was scared.

That's the only time I shitted on myself in my life.

I've never shitted on myself, but I let go that time.

I let loose.

I really did. Because I had to go. No, I've shitted on myself before.

This guy tried to stick me up. This guy came at me with a gun.

He was like, "Give me your money, bitch. All of it." I was like, "Come on, man."

He was like, "What's that smell?" I was like, "I shitted."

He's like, "Get your ass out of here.

Nobody want to smell that while taking your money, man."

I was honest. That's what it's about.

That's probably why women don't respect me, because I'm so honest.

I'm serious, my wife doesn't respect me. I know she don't.

You feel like your lady respect you, man? You ever fight?

No?

Never, like, fistfight? Like a good one? Never?

You've never tried to hit him, ever?

No? You tried to hit him. I'll tell you something, I'm being honest.

I promote domestic violence. I think if you're in--

No, I know it sounds crazy. I'm telling you all some real stuff.

If you're in a relationship and your woman hasn't tried to hit you,

she don't love you.

Any woman that loves you

is gonna try to hurt you at some point when you make her mad.

That's how you know you got a good woman. I don't mind. I don't like hypocrites.

I don't like women that are hypocrites. Any female that'll dare a man to hit her

for three hours, and then act surprised when he do it. I don't like that.

I don't like that.

You ever see a woman talk all that shit, then act like she don't know

where the consequences came from?

"Yeah, let me tell you something. I wish you would put your hands on me.

No, I wish you would. See, let me tell you something.

You think I'm one of these regular bitches that won't fight you back.

That's what you think, but let me tell you something. I promise you, boo-boo--"

Ever have a girl slow down on you like that?

"But let me tell you something. I promise you, boo-boo,

it's not gonna go down the way you think. No, don't be a bitch.

Don't be a bitch and walk away.

Come back, put your hands on me, watch what I do."

"He crazy!

Help!"

He's not crazy. He's just tired of you talking shit for three hours. That's all.

Women, you all know how to push them buttons, man.

You're all talented. Women, you all got a different level.

Like, you all push men to a different level of anger.

You ever get so mad when you argue with a girl,

you can't find the word, so you gotta make a noise?

The word is right there, but you can't get it out.

"Bitch, first of all, I'm trying to--

I got all the stuff to--

Hoo, shit!"

You don't know where that noise came from. You never made that noise in life.

They make you get to those points.

You ever outline a girl? Know what that is?

When you put your hands around your lady's face.

You don't want to hit her, just want to show her what you could do.

It's a scare tactic. It's real fast.

"Bitch, say something else. I swear to God." That's all it is.

It's real quick. "Say another-- swear to God, I'll--"

Your threats don't make sense.

"I'll put your stomach in your face and make you eat yourself."

"What? What'd you say?

Stomach in your face? Make you eat yourself?"

Every woman knows how to push a man's buttons.

That's what you're all good at. You know how to make your man mad.

You know how to piss him off. You know what to say to make him mad.

He could argue with any other woman, he's not gonna care.

Like, "Shut up, beat it, get out my face." You know how to get a reaction.

"Fuck you, Terrance. Fuck you and your third ball."

"What, bitch?

My third--

Don't talk about my third ball!

The doctor said it's a possible medical condition. It could be cancer."

He doesn't like that.

You know how to get those reactions out of him.

Know what my wife do to make me mad?

I don't like it when she sings when she gets mad. I can't stand that.

When women get so emotional, they start singing when they get mad.

You ain't gonna do shit, nigga

You ain't gonna do shit

You ain't gonna do shit

You ain't gonna do it

You ain't going to do shit

You just gotta sit there with the "You ain't gonna do shit" face.

That's the face that say you ain't got nothing left.

That's what women do.

Women, you play mind games.

Stop forgiving men for stuff,

and after you forgive them, forgetting you forgave them,

and talk about the shit you forgave them for,

and get mad about it. Stop doing that.

If you forgave him, forgive him.

Nothing worse than being a man that messed up in the past.

You trying to correct yourself, but your woman keep bringing the past up.

Every time you tell the truth, it sounds like you're lying.

When you're lying, it sounds like you're telling the truth.

I was at the point where I'm afraid for my wife to hear me have fun.

I be trying to shut fun down.

When she's not around, and she calls me,

I get mad at my friends. "Shut the fuck up! Everybody shut up!

Look!

Put your seat belts on. Buckle up.

Put your seat belt on. I don't know where she is. Look safe.

Look straight ahead until we figure this out. She's crazy."

That's what women do. I'mma tell you how you can tell a battered man.

Wanna know how you can tell a man's been through so much emotionally?

When you speak to a man and he starts talking about his relationship

without you asking anything about it, that's a battered man.

As soon as you meet him, "Hey, how you doing?"

"My wife and I go camping every week."

"What?"

"She likes cheerios too."

"What are you--"

He's battered. He thinks that you're one of her friends,

and she sent you to come talk to him. He thinks it's a setup.

He's so crazy, he's thinking five steps ahead of you,

because he doesn't know what's what.

I'm just being honest.

I'm telling you all things that really go on.

Tell you something else: Know when to fight your woman

and when not to fight your woman.

Whenever you're in a car, don't fight your woman.

Not while you're driving.

Reason why is because your face is open, okay?

You don't have any defense. I'm telling you guys from my past.

I'm telling you about things I went through, okay?

You don't want to do it. This is when I found out my lady was crazy.

On a highway, she hit me.

Anybody that hits you when you're on the expressway of any kind

don't care about their life. Let's get that out, okay?

We're on the highway, coming from an event.

My kid's in the back seat. We're arguing.

I'm like, "Your problem is you don't respect me as a man.

Until you respect me as a man, we're gonna have problems.

That's why we fight so much.

Honestly, I'm thinking about putting my hands on you.

Keep on and I'mma show you what that feels like.

'Cause you're stupid, and you act--"

I've never been so afraid for my life, dude.

She tried to kill me!

I looked in the back, my daughter was like...

Done turned my baby against me and everything.

You gotta know.

You gotta know your woman.

Fellas, don't be afraid to be a man, fellas.

I don't care what you going through. Don't be afraid to be a man.

Stop being yes-men. No woman wants a yes-man.

Don't think that's gonna make your relationship better

because you agree with your woman all the time.

It's not going to.

It makes you look stupid. You're just saying yes all the time.

"Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, what do you need?

Yeah, I'll get it. Yeah.

Huh? Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Yeah.

No, yeah, I'll go now. Yeah, I'll get it. Yeah.

What do you need?

Yeah, all right. Okay, yeah.

I'll get it now. I'll pick it up. Yeah.

What? No, I just left. You want me to go back? Yeah, I'll go back."

Fag, fucking get some balls.

Be a man.

Argue.

That's what you in a relationship for. You're in your relationship to argue.

That's what men are there for. We argue.

Even when you wrong, argue.

I've been caught red-handed several times.

Argue. You want to know how you win every single argument? Be loud.

That's all. Women can't handle that.

Women can't handle when a man's voice gets past a certain level.

They break down. They don't know what to do.

I've been caught. Just mean what you say. And after you say it, walk out.

You can't stick around. You gotta--

If you stick around, you give them a chance to come back and confuse you.

Say your point, get the fuck out the room. Go!

"Kevin, I saw you!

I saw you! I saw the bitch in your car! You gonna tell me I didn't see you?

I saw that bitch in your car!"

"Man, shut up! Shut the fuck up, man! Every time I come in the house,

You got the microwave on high. Fuck you!" Walk out.

You can't give her no chance.

She just gonna be standing there like, "What?

I thought he liked it when I used the microwave.

I don't understand him or what he wants from me anymore.

I don't understand."

I remember one time, we got into an argument over a giraffe.

We were talking about money. She was mad at me.

Like, "You're spending too much. I'm tired of you going out to clubs,

spending money on your girls.

That money needs to be spent on your family."

"Don't tell me what to do with my money.

If I want to go buy a giraffe, I'll go buy a damn giraffe."

I was trying to be a smart ass. I'm thinking it's over.

She was like, "You ain't gonna buy no giraffe in this house."

That's when I lost it.

"I bet I do

buy a damn giraffe in this house!

Tell me I won't buy no damn giraffe.

I'll go on www.getagiraffe.com right now and have that giraffe here tomorrow.

Teach that giraffe how to head butt you. Tell me I won't get no giraffe."

I tried to get one. You can't get 'em. It's hard to get a giraffe.

It is.

I swear I was gonna have that giraffe right outside my house, just walking it.

Just walking my giraffe.

You know the move that you can't ever fall for?

"All I gotta do." You ever hear that shit?

"All I gotta do is..."

I fell for that, 'cause we don't know what you're talking about.

"All I gotta do is crimp my hair." We don't know what the fuck a crimp is.

"That's it?" That's what we just do.

"Oh, okay. Yeah, all right."

Dumb ass man. "Yeah, cool, all right."

Been in the bathroom five days. "I thought you had to crimp it."

"That's what I'm doing!" They flip it on you. Ever have a woman flip it?

"I thought you was gonna be quick."

"Well, I can't do it if you're in my face! Let me do it!"

"All right, yeah. All right, cool.

Let's go out. I'll let you crimp it, sorry."

Just telling you what I know. This is from experience.

But women, at the same time, you gotta understand your man.

You gotta know when to leave your man alone.

Men give signs just like women give signs.

If your husband or your boyfriend drives a minivan,

leave him alone.

Any man that drives a minivan does not care about life.

He don't give a fuck. He don't.

Every time he slide that long-ass door closed,

he is cursing you the fuck out in his mind.

"Stupid-ass bitch got me driving a goddamn ambulance.

Sit down! Sit the hell down!

Thomas, eat another booger off that windshield, I'll kill you.

I hate my life."

I'll tell you the real sign. If your man wears sweatpants with no pockets,

that's a sign.

Any man that doesn't have pockets don't care about life.

You ever go a day without pockets?

Think about how important your pockets are.

That means you don't care about change, receipts, your wallet. You don't care.

Don't believe me?

Try to get a man that don't have pockets to wear pockets. Watch how mad he get.

I tried to get my dad to wear pockets. We was going to church.

"Dad, we're going to church. Put some pants with pockets on."

He's like, "What the fuck I need pockets for? She took everything!"

All right.

All right.

You can use my pockets, Dad.

This nigga's crazy. He lost his god damn mind.

He's gonna snap on me about pockets.

You got that family reunion laugh right there.

Sounds like he's gargling beer right now.

That's how them thug dudes be.

You ever see a thug dude when they don't want to laugh? They're like...

"Hey, cuz, get the fuck out of here."

But he trying to laugh. "That shit is stupid. Hey."

They trying to cover up their laughs real quick.

"Go ahead, nigga, ain't nobody come here to--

It's not that funny, cuz. Not that funny.

Trying to kill you, nigga. Kill you."

I talk all this stuff about relationships, but I like mine the way it is.

I do. I like drama.

I'm attracted to drama. If you're in a relationship, drama's good.

I couldn't deal with no happy woman.

Could you deal if she was happy all the time?

You come home, she's got some happy shit to say?

As soon as you walk in the door, she's just happy.

Soon as you come home, "Oh, my God, who's home? You are!"

"Tickle! Tickle!"

"Sit your stupid ass down.

I got fired today, you want to tickle somebody.

Sit down!

Stupid ass."

Nobody want to deal with that shit.

Drama. Trying to stab me.

Ever have one pull a knife out on you?

That's some sexy shit there.

"Bitch, put-- Hey, I'm not playing now.

Put the fucking knife-- Hey, do it again--

Shit. You got me.

Yeah, that time, you really got there. We should go to the hospital."

You know what it is? I don't like the whole dating game.

That's why I accept my situation.

I see a bunch of couples here now, all just dating.

I don't like dating. Know why I don't?

I try to impress women too much, that's my problem.

I went out, bought this big ass truck just to try and impress women.

I didn't know everybody looks tall in a truck.

Like, you don't notice somebody's small until they get out of the truck.

I had to find out the hard way because I like to flirt.

At the stop light, I saw this girl. "Damn, you look good.

Pull over, let me talk to you." She's like, "He's kind of cute."

Her and her girlfriend high-five. They was happy.

She was like, "Get out, come talk to me." And I can't get out my truck, right?

I gotta jump out.

But when I jumped out, I didn't have a good landing.

I stumbled a little bit.

All I heard was, "Oh, my God, he doesn't have any knees." And they just--

They just pulled off. I said, "Ain't this a bitch? I got knees."

It was a bad jump,

because when I landed, I twisted my ankle, my head hit the windshield.

I was trying to pull myself up.

I admit it looked a little retarded.

But to yell out I don't have knees is selfish. How did I get out the truck?

I didn't roll out the bitch. That's why I had an attitude.

I had one girl that had one of those laughs that make you stop laughing.

Ever meet somebody like that? With a laugh that's so bad

that you gotta stop having a good time?

Because it wasn't a laugh, it was a snicker/snout.

She did it at everything. Stuff that wasn't funny.

We was going to the movies.

I'm like, "There's a long line, I'mma go park the car.

Why don't you go wait in line?" She's all, "All right, I don't mind."

I didn't know what it was at first, so I didn't say nothing.

I still had the car on.

I was like, "The car shouldn't sound like this, because it's a new car.

I just got this car. I better not have no damn problems with this car."

I was like, "Hey, look, get some popcorn with a lot of butter."

She was like, "Oh, my God, I love butter."

I was like, "Okay, that was you that time. I saw it, because I made eye contact.

I don't like that.

That's nasty. It sounds like you're swallowing snot or something."

But then it dawned on me where she got it from,

because I met her dad earlier that day. Her dad had one of those laughs--

I call it the rich white guy laugh. You know what that is?

It's a laugh that's followed by an awful joke.

The joke doesn't make you laugh, but the laugh eventually makes you laugh.

When he found out that I was a comedian, he kept trying to tell me jokes. "So...

So, you're a comic, right? Okay.

Well, all right, listen.

I got a joke for you. You can keep it if you want, I don't mind.

All right, you ready?

All right, okay.

All right, this is crazy. It's so good.

All right. So, I'm at the office.

I'm at the office, I tell this guy,

I said to him-- what did I-- Wait, what did I say?

Wait a minute.

All right, I got it, okay. All right.

So I'm at the office, right? I'm at the office.

And I tell this guy, I said to him,

I said, 'Hey, pass me the stapler,

but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it,

because if it isn't, I can't staple anything.'"

I didn't want to laugh,

but he kept looking right at me while he was doing it.

Here's the weird thing.

Like, you know how people clap when they laugh? Like...

You know that? He had a clap that he would do with his laugh,

but I never knew when it was coming. I couldn't time it.

You know how sometimes you can time a clap?

I didn't know when the clap was coming, so it was hard for me to participate

and clap with him, because it took too long.

But he was still looking at me the whole time. He's like...

That was, like, 57 seconds right there. I can't wait 57 seconds.

That was a long time ago.

I had this one tall girl. I didn't even care that she was tall.

She was tall as shit. She was a model. I didn't care because she made me laugh.

You make me laugh, that's a bonus. It's my job to make people laugh.

You make me laugh, it's a turn on.

One day, she tried to mess with me mentally.

We're in the supermarket. I'm going to get some milk.

Now, normally, they put my milk on the middle row in the aisle.

This day, it was on the top row.

You know when you can't reach something, how you start stretching for it, like...

Because I don't get it, I was like...

She's like, "Don't stretch, let me grab it."

I turned around, there was a bunch of people in the aisle

looking at her about to grab my milk. I got mad, I punched her in the rib.

I was like, "Bitch, don't be trying to play me in front of them people."

She's like, "I ain't."

I was like, "You are. If you want to help me,

pick me up and let me grab it. That's how you help."

She was like, "All right."

Because I'm a thug. I'm a thug first.

Are you guys double-dating? It looks like a double date. Kind of?

That's good.

I would say don't do it no more though. Don't ever double date.

You know why? Because you compete with the other couple.

You don't even know you competing. I'm telling you, you compete.

I'll show you right now. If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong.

Let's say you lean over, give your girl a kiss. Real innocent. "Love you, babe."

First thing she's gonna do is look at him. She's like, "Must be nice."

Now you're competing.

Now, the only way you can win is to suck her titty right here.

You gotta do it.

That's the only way. You gotta pull your titty out right now. That's it.

Women, you all discuss personal business, and that personal stuff come out.

It come out when you all arguing.

You all all at dinner, you're having a good time.

Then one day you get mad. You be like, "I hate you, Michelle.

You come out all the time, get drunk, mess up the night."

You be like, "Whatever, fuck you, Tariq. At least I don't eat ass."

You be like, "What? What you talking about?"

"Oh, you don't eat ass? Erica, he doesn't eat ass."

Now you gotta put her on the spot. "You told him I eat ass?"

"Everybody was talking. I didn't know that it would come out like this."

Now you gotta sit there with the "You ate ass" face.

That's the "You just ate ass" face.

Conversation's been over, but she's still mad.

"All the times I ate your ass was on your birthday.

Let's get that out the way.

No, you want to talk about it, let's talk about it.

Okay? I didn't get you shit, you said eat your ass.

I was like, 'Cool,' so I ate your ass.

Don't make it seem like I'm just eating your ass every day.

Everybody sitting here pushing my drink to the side, like I got the shit mouth.

Fuck you all, man!

I bet there won't be no more ass eating up in here. I bet that. I bet...

that's your last ass-eating incident."

Nothing funnier than people's personal problems

coming out in front of other people.

That's the funniest thing to me,

when people's problems get brought to light in front of other people.

You gotta act like you ain't hear it.

You ever hear another couple argue, you hear some weird shit?

You never heard some weird shit?

"Whatever, bitch, you the one with the dildos

all up there in the house!"

You be at the dinner table, like...

You try to whisper it to your lady. "She got dildos in the house?

This bitch is crazy. She got dildos all up in the house."

I think that's the funniest stuff in the world, other people's problems.

There's nothing funnier than other people's problems.

Other people's kids. I remember me and my boy got into it one day.

I told him I didn't think his baby was where she was supposed to be mentally.

That's what I told him.

I did. I told him that.

I said, "I think you might have a dumb baby. It's a chance...

that your baby might be dumb."

But I felt like, me, as your friend,

I should be able to tell you that. You know?

"I'm your friend, so my constructive criticism

should be good criticism to you."

But he got mad. He's like, "My baby's smarter than yours."

I was like, "Bet money." "Bet?"

"What you want to do?" "Sit them in the middle of the floor

and see which baby can hold their head up the longest." "Oh, shit."

My baby got a problem, right?

But I can't back down. I was like, "Bet, bitch."

So we put our babies in the middle of the floor.

And they was going at it.

My was son was like...

And his baby was looking at my son, so his baby got dizzy and fell.

I was like, "Look at that dumb-ass baby."

I didn't kick his baby, I just moved his baby away from my baby.

I didn't want that dumb stuff to wear off.

Hey, you all have been a great crowd, man. My name is Kevin Hart.

Thank you all. I appreciate it.

Love it.

I should see--

Michelle.

Hey, see if I can get my babies.

See if my babies are up before I go.

I'mma show you all my babies before I go.

Act like I left already. I just want you all to see my kids.

I'mma see if my son come out here shaking his head.

I'mma see. Don't move. You all stay right here for a second.

Look how nosy my son is. Look at him.

No smile or nothing. He angry. Just look at him.

Smile, man.

Just smile one time.

Stop-- Come on, now!

Do the thing Daddy told you to do now.

Yeah, okay, that's cool.

That's close.

Heaven, say hi.

Turn around.

Let them see your face.

Stop.

Say hi. There, go to the microphone. Just say hi.

-Say hi. -No.

Anyway, this is so you all can see what I tell is the truth.

I really appreciate the love and support. And continue, you all.

It's really going good for me right... It's really going good for me right now.

And I really, genuinely appreciate the support.

Once again, my name's Kevin Hart. I love you all. Take it easy.