Original subtitles

Go ahead and disregard the chase. We got him.

You are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge.

I'm comin' Sraight outta Compton

When something happens In South Central Los Angeles

Nothing happens It's just another nigga dead

Dead, dead, dead, dead

Straight outta Compton

Crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube

From the gang called Niggaz With Attitude

AK-47 is the tool

Don't make me act the motherfuckin' fool

As I leave believe I'm stompin'

But when I come back, boy

I'm comin' straight outta Compton

My little friend said he saw you with Ramon Camacho.

- It ain't true, Ricco. - Shut up, ho!

It's time to teach both of you a lesson.

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

You better step back, ese.

Unless you want me to bust a cap in your ass.

This is my hood and these girls belong to me.

Belong?

That is a very sexist way to talk about these bitches.

Bonjour. Je m'appelle Ali.

J'habite in Staines.

You made me use me last tissue.

Me ain't got another one now.

You what?

Speak to the hand, 'cause the face, it ain't listening.

Sorry.

No!

Oh, mijo!

Remember, life is the most precious gift

that Jah has given us.

Unlucky?

You saved us.

I just really want to thank you.

Ay, Dios mío!

That's going to need the two of us.

Here, let me help you with that.

You know I'm gonna give you some attention

Oh, that's very nice.

Yes. Please.

Thank you very much.

That's good there. Yeah.

Oh, 2 Pac, no.

Whatever.

Yeah, baby. Play with the balls.

Oh, good dog.

Ali, are you awake?

For real.

Ali-pali, do you know how very late it is?

And you're still in bed all asleep.

Sorry, Nana.

It's nice to get up in the morning

In the good old summertime

Get off.

For old times at six o'clock In the good old summertime

But when the winter comes, And it's snowy on the wind

It's nice to get up in the morning

But better to stay in bed

That's better.

Ali-pali, it's not nice to play with your poopik

when Nana's in the room.

Now come on. You're teaching your class today.

- Wicked! - Out of bed. Choppy-chop.

Wicked, wicked

Jungle is massive

Wicked, wicked

Jungle is massive

Wicked, wicked

Jungle is massive

Wicked, original

Booyaka, booyaka

When the General advance

Booyaka, booyaka

And beat round the dance

Booyaka, booyaka

With a ten foot baton

Booyaka, booyaka

Incredible

Wicked original

Yo, yo, aight, aight, aight?

Respect.

So, what's going down in Staines town, my nigga?

Yo, nigga, we just be cold chilin',

kickin' back, suckin' on some, some gin and juice.

- Laid back. - Laid back.

- Aight. - Oh, you.

Jezzy, is you wearing green?

I knew it. You's defected to the Iver Heath Posse, innit?

- Come on, let's stab him. - No, no, wait!

Me mum put me yellow top in the wash

and my brother's blue football socks

even though they ain't colorfast.

All right, but you tell that slag

that in the ghetto washing non-colorfast synthetics

at sixty degrees could cost you your life.

Will you boys move?

I've told you before. It's a fire risk.

Ai, mofo, what's the problem?

Yo, we just four brothers chillin' on the sidewalk,

maxin', relaxin', it ain't too taxin'.

- Boof. - Move!

Okay. Yeah. We'll just sit on the bench. Yes.

The East Staines Massiv.

Well, if it ain't the West Staines Massiv

outside their precious center.

Booyakasha!

Wickety-wackety-sha! Boo!

Eastside is the best.

Westside is the best.

Eastside is the best.

Westside is the best.

Westside is the best.

Eastside is the best.

Shit. I meant Westside is the best.

Anyways, you is on our turf.

Once you pass the Bumblebees Day Nursery

just before you get to the mini-roundabout,

you know, on Elmsleigh Gardens,

then you is in the Westside.

- We don't care. - Oh, yeah?

Your mama is so fat that when she volunteered

to clean the cages at the zoo

people would walk by and say,

"Look at that hippopotamus."

That ain't fair.

It's glandular.

Let's leave these batty boys behind.

- Your mama's a batty boy. - We don't think so.

Slow down!

Stop!

Fag! Eastside!

That flippin' loon. He'll get himself killed.

Hey, yo, yo. Cheers. The LAPD, man.

Yeah? And?

Oh, man, you are one bad mofo, man.

I ain't stealin' it. Are you rockin' it?

- I'm feelin' it. - I'm checkin' it.

- I'm doin' it. - I'm feelin' it.

- I'm kissin' it. - I'm checkin' it.

Nice.

Wicked

- Wicked - Follow me

Wicked now, wicked now, wicked

Me got the chicken me like the chicken

Me got the chicken, whicken

A-rockin' and a-rhickin'

We got with the... with the... with them

A to the L to the I to the G

Ali G, that's me, that's me

A to the L to the I to the G

That's G, that's me, that's me

R to the I to the C to the K to the Y

That's Ricky C Rick to the C, to the C, to the C

Ricky C, Ricky

Wait a sec. I's going to be late for me class.

Let's go.

Crack cocaine is destroying our community,

so when a brother makes it through

they deserve our respect.

So, let's big it up for Darren

who has been clean and off the crack now

for eight years.

Eight and three-quarter years.

Whatever.

Me don't want to say this,

but most of you ain't never going to see 11.

Boo-ka!

Drive-bys.

Look, he's crying. Homo, homo!

We'll have none of that language here.

The word is batty boy.

Batty boy! Batty boy!

Better. Now everybody up

because it's time to give out this week's badges.

First, big it up for me main man Andy

who has finally got his hot wiring badge

and his advanced swearing badge.

Shit off, you hairy dog's cock.

Respect.

And since you has got your fifth badge,

you has also earned your second slit.

Hopefully, one day, you'll get to be Tyrone's level.

Tyrone, if you gets any better

we's going to start doing your pubes, aight?

I don't have any.

Well, I's got millions.

Now, remember, without realness, we is nothing,

so, posse, keep it real.

Keep it real!

Keep it real!

Now, on the streets,

you has got to know that your homey

will take a cap in his ass for you.

So, let's start with a very basic trust exercise.

One,

two, three.

- Ali, can I have a word? - Sure.

It's about the center.

Now, I know how much these classes mean to you

and how much the kids enjoy them.

But I'm afraid the government's withdrawn our funding.

They're closing down the John Nike Leisure Centre.

You what?

How is these kids gonna make it out of the ghetto now?

They'll have to go somewhere else.

Somewhere else?

Do you know what this center means to them and to me?

This is the spiritual home of the West Staines Massiv.

This is like what Mecca is to the Jews.

It's like what Kentucky is to chickens.

And it was here where me first felt me Julie's...

Ali, there's nothing you can do.

Now you better go and tell the kids.

I ain't never going to let them close us down.

Keep it real. Yeah?

Dinner with the Belgian prime minister at 8:00,

NATO briefing in half an hour.

And the Deputy Prime Minister urgently wishes to speak to you.

Does he have the poll results yet?

- Ah, David. - Yes. I wish l hadn't.

Gallup's putting us twenty-two points behind.

- What about Mori? - Twenty-three points behind.

The youth vote is deserting us in droves.

All our focus groups suggest we're out of touch.

Maybe we are. I know I am.

Don't be ridiculous.

Are we going to lose this by-election, David?

No chance. We haven't lost Staines in 20 years

and we're not about to start now.

We just have an image problem.

We have to find a candidate who will improve that image,

somebody young,

- somebody ethnic. - Somebody in touch?

- Exactly, Prime Minister. - You're absolutely right, David.

What we've got to find is an outstanding candidate

who's intellectually superior,

who can guarantee us a victory.

Easy now, Mrs. Hugh.

Booyakasha.

Is me Julie about?

She's upstairs.

Safe.

Hello, baby. I's been missing you so much today.

You is looking so fine.

All I want to do is pull your panties down...

Ali.

Oh, hello, me Julie.

Stop feeling up Nina and get in here.

Sorry. I got confused.

Strange how you never get confused with Tracey.

Hello, Ali.

Hello. You know you's me only bitch.

Ho. Lady?

When me close me eyes

you's the only girl me ever think about.

Ali, open your eyes.

Sorry. There was something in them.

Because there's these fleas that is going around

and two of them, and they're coming...

Coming in again...

They're in me eyes!

Ali G, you've been a very bad boy and you need to be punished.

Are you a bad boy?

Yes, I am.

My skin is so dry,

so for being a bad boy,

I want you to rub oil into me,

paying special attention to my breasts

and my batty crease.

Okay. I will do that.

But first, I want you to take your hat off,

you naughty, naughty boy.

But me never take me hat off.

You take that off, and I'll take these off.

Okay.

Now I'm going to milk you.

Ali.

Give me one more sec.

Behave, Alistair.

J-Lo, they's closing down the center,

so I was going to go on hunger strike until they save it,

or until I die.

So, just in case I do join Tupac and Biggie

in that ghetto in the sky

I's come here to bone you one last time.

I think Mr. Johnson might have something to say about that.

- Can I watch? - I got no problem with that.

Ali!

Don't do nothing stupid, all right?

Hear me now, she ain't really me Julie.

Obviously, in real life, I's going out with someone much fitter,

but they do that to make me more accessible.

Which means that you girls out there

will think I'll knob you even if you is a minger.

You got ten seconds until you start, mack daddy.

I want more. More.

Okay, and go.

Mr. G, why are you on hunger strike?

In the struggle for...

In the struggle for justice,

I is willing to lay down me life

just like Martin Luther Vandross did.

This is the local Party Chairman Alan Swan.

He's put together a list of names for by-election.

This is a great honor.

I've always been a particular admirer...

The names, Swan.

Right. Well, there are...

There are three really outstanding candidates

that match all your criteria.

Top of the list is Andrew Hamilton,

Ph.D., political science, studied P.P. at Oxford,

gained a starred first.

Have you tried these new chicken dippers?

They're quite good, aren't they?

Yeah, they're really good.

What sauce are you going for?

I think it's barbecue.

I can't take it, I can't take it!

Chicken dippers!

Good. We can go home now.

Nips.

I'll get the keys, yeah?

Starting again from now!

Bring it, what?

Yeah, yeah

No.

Right here

Well, what has we got here, then?

I's doing a serious protest, if you don't mind.

In that case, we'll leave you to it.

Thanks.

There was just one thing, though.

The shit that'll knock till 2003

Then y'all are gonna see

That the hottest nigga Out there was, is, will be me

Just like that

I can go away for a minute Do some other shit

But bounce right back

Grow, Biggie, grow.

I just got to get a semi lob-on.

Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez.

Jennifer Lopez lezzing off

with the one from Destiny's Child with the big thighs.

Those can't be the last words of your man

Come on, bring it, what?

Look at it now! Look at it now!

Look at my massive beast!

You filthy animal.

Oh, Shep, this rail is very dirty.

It's going to need a lot of polishing.

Ph.D. in economics, three years at Harvard,

age, thirty-four.

Swan, is there any reason why there should be

an absurdly dressed, half-naked man

chained to a fence being tossed off

by an old blind council bugger?

Ignore him. It's the local idiot making some pathetic protest.

Have him unchained and bring him in here.

- But I'm trying to go through... - Bring him in, Swan.

Straight ahead at the top of the stairs.

Freak me, baby

Yeah, just like that

Freak me, baby

Come on, come on

Freak me, baby

Let me lick you up and down

Till you say stop

Let me play with your body, baby

Make you real hot

Let me do all the things

You want me to do

'Cause tonight, baby

I wanna get freaky with you

I'm Kate Hedges,

the Deputy Prime Minister's private secretary.

Please, come in and you can pull your pants up now.

Hello, I'm David Carlton, Chancellor of the Exchequer

and the Deputy Prime Minister.

Hello. I's Ali G.

The dominating MC

Making bitches touch their punani

The number of the two, it be...

Three.

Not Ali A, not Ali B...

Not Ali C, not Ali D

Not Ali...

E...

Not Ali...

F...

But Ali...

G.

Your rhymes are tight for a honkey. Yes, sir.

That's his full name and address.

Tell me, Ali. Do you have a job?

Unfortunately, I's recently gone on the dole.

Really? When?

Eight years and three months ago.

It says here you claim disability benefit.

Yes. I is actually spasticated.

I's got a terrible DJ-ing injury.

Me still ain't got full mobility in me main mixing finger.

F-chikitty-f-f-fresh.

Ow!

Everything down there is still working.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Ali, would you sit down?

Please, sit down.

Have you ever considered becoming a Member of Parliament?

What me want to do that for? It's full of pricks.

That's a little harsh. I'm an MP. Am I a prick?

Yes.

Let's try approaching this from a different angle.

Is there nothing in the world that you would like to change?

Yeah. Me'd want to save the John Nike Leisure Centre,

obviously.

As the MP for Staines, you could achieve that.

Would you stand as our candidate in this by-election?

Well, me got to be honest. Me ain't actually bi.

I mean, obviously, I've done it with two girls.

Well, I seen it on the Internet,

but me would never feel completely comfortable

being bummed by a man or even bumming the man.

I know a lot of people say never say ever,

but me feel so strongly that me exit hole

should always stay me exit hole

and never become me entry hole.

Know what I's saying?

Yes.

Yes.

Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you.

Safe.

Later, sweetheart.

David, what are you doing?

He was the biggest idiot I have ever met.

Choose him, and there is no way we can win the by-election.

I know.

But there will be a leadership crisis, a vote of no confidence.

The PM will be out.

And who could possibly replace him?

Ali has two weeks to lose us eighteen thousand votes.

Let's get him on the campaign trail.

Easy now, rude boy. Me name be Ali G

and me is here representin' Staines.

We want to know if we can count on your vote, ese.

Definitely not.

Hairy muff. Well, seeing as I is here

couldn't interest you in a quarter

of the finest Moroccan black, could l?

It's well good shit.

Dave, it's your turn to shit through the letterbox.

Our anti-bullying program has won praise throughout the county

and incidents of bullying in this school are at an all-time low.

This is Jonathan who used to suffer terribly at the hands of bullies.

I ain't surprised. Look at him.

Hey, fatty boom boom.

Hey, fatty boom boom.

Hey, want another cream cake?

He is well fat, though, isn't he?

All you motherfuckers, Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckers

All you motherfuckers, Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckers

Vote for the G, the motherfuckin' G

That's me, the motherfuckin' G

All the bitches in the house say yo

Vote for me, 'cause me know what you lezzes want.

I's a big supporter of your cause

and I's got many, many of your videos.

If you vote for me, me give you me pledge

to lower taxes on strap-ons.

Why is you getting so eggy? Is you all on?

Ladies and gentlemen,

to commemorate the extension of the town hall,

we're asking all the candidates to lay down a brick.

Ali, we wonder whether you'd be good enough to lay one for us now.

What, here?

We would be honored.

- In front of everyone? - Well, yes.

All right.

Not bad.

This is absolutely vital.

Ten days ago, we were fourteen points ahead.

With one day to go, we are eight points behind.

Listen, did you get the manifesto that I sent you?

You got a roach?

For real.

Have you got another roach?

Yeah, for real.

- Wicked. - Yeah.

Wicked.

Yes. It was very helpful.

Thirty seconds till we're on air.

Would you like to come with me?

Good luck.

Don't hold back.

In what is possibly the most crucial by-election

of the past decade,

we're joined tonight by ex-Environment Secretary

and political heavyweight David Griffiths

and newcomer Ali G.

If you haven't made your mind up yet,

you will have done by the end of this debate.

Ali, if elected, what would you do for Staines?

Well, me'd save the John Nike Leisure Centre.

You can't suggest that your sole policy

is to save a center that's barely used

and a terrible drain on funds.

What are your other policies?

My other policies?

Yes. You must have some.

Well...

I think it is well important to reduce inflation,

and also to invest

in the nehuss.

The nahu-nahuss.

Oh, the NHS.

You're reading from my sheet.

No, I ain't. I's thought of them things meself.

You's obviously copied from me.

It wasn't me.

Well, then, perhaps you'd like to tell me

where you stand on the ERM.

No problem. Me thought their first album was wack.

And to be honest, me hate all indy music.

Quite frankly, the voters of Staines deserve better.

You're making a mockery of this debate.

What? Is you looking in the mirror?

All you're doing is making it obvious to all the voters out there

what an absolute buffoon you are.

Talking about yourself again? I think so, yeah.

You are an embarrassment to your party

and to the people of Staines.

That is not a very nice way to talk about your mum.

I put it to you

that you are the worst possible candidate

ever put forward by your miserable party.

Well, I put it to you...

...that you sucked off a horse.

I did not suck off a horse.

I have already dealt with this issue with the Party Chairman

and as I explained to him,

I was out hunting with a friend

and I slipped onto the end of a horse's phallus,

which, unfortunately,

owing to it being the mating season

was aroused.

Where is you going?

Does you need to go and do a pony?

That's cold!

That a yes or a neigh?

Why ain't you speaking? Is you a bit horse?

Is that a lie or the tr-hoof? Yeah?

They want to read the gallop polls tomorrow, eh?

Giddyap, giddyap.

Another dramatic day in the Staines' by-election

saw the unexpected withdrawal of opposition candidate David Griffiths.

Tomorrow's vote now becomes a two-horse race

between Thomas Alvarez and Ali G

with the result too close to call.

Thomas Alvarez, liberal democrat,

five thousand and eighty votes.

Alistair Leslie Graham...

Who? What a stupid name.

Five thousand and eighty-six votes.

You won! You beat him!

And I'll note again,

Ali G has been duly elected

as Member of Parliament for Staines.

Go, Ali!

Now do you want to see the new Member of Parliament?

Look how I's touching meself.

Do you like that?

Is that turning you on?

Not really.

Would you like to give a kiss to Mr. Gherkin?

Oh, baby, you're so long and hard.

That's the hand brake.

Well, let's get jiggy.

Mr. Bombastic

Reggae fantastic

Take it and a-doogie, doogie, doogie

Mr. Ro, Ro, Ro, Ro, Ro...

Mmmantic!

Is it in yet?

Big up yourself.

Respect. Respect.

Big up yourself.

Hey, hey, I know you.

You's the geezer that did it with that prossie, innit?

Respect.

Against this government!

- Calm down! - Order!

This government's conduct of economic policy

has not only been incompetent,

it has been unscrupulous,

untrustworthy and untruthful.

They is dissing our posse. I's going to sort this.

Order! Order in the house!

And look at this.

Order, order!

Will the member for Staines return to his seat?

Will the member for Staines return to his seat?

Order! Order in the House!

What is he doing?

I'm not sure, Prime Minister.

And for you, sir, to come down and step up to me.

I have the privil...

Relax your batty.

Look at you.

All you ever do all day long is cuss each other.

R-e-s-t-e-c-p.

Do you even know what that spells?

Restecp?

Yes.

Restecp.

Restecp.

How's anyone out there meant to restecp each other

if you lot in here don't even start

restecping one another?

Sergeant, eject the gentleman.

Do you want to know how to make this country better?

It's simple. Two words,

keep it real.

That's three words.

Don't be a spanner. "It" ain't a real word.

It's short for innit, innit?

Keep it real.

The member for Staines will be banned from the House.

Is it because I's black?

What in God's name have you done to me?

I want that idiot in my office in the morning

with his letter of resignation, is that clear?

Yes, Prime Minister.

Come in.

Listen, me know me done wrong...

Ali, haven't you read the papers?

I can't believe it.

There's a dog that can play table tennis.

Ali, it's the press. They love you.

But how can he hold a bat?

Ali, the Deputy Prime Minister and I were wondering.

What would you say

if I asked you to join the Cabinet?

No. Think about it.

Ali joins the Cabinet.

The two of them are publicly allied together.

Ali slips up and takes that old prat with him.

What makes you think Ali will join him?

Because I've suggested to the Prime Minister

that he offers to save his leisure center.

Are you mad? I mean, that would...

Let me finish. Offers to save his leisure center

if Ali secures him a 20-point lead in the polls.

Yo, boss man, now I's in the Cabinet and all that,

could I have a look at the red button?

Can I trust you?

- Yes. - All right.

Here we are. Now...

One touch on that red button

could destroy the whole world.

That is very interesting you say that because...

No! No!

Fell for it!

Ali, please stand away.

Dear me.

- Can't we blow up something? - Of course not.

- Please? - No!

Just somewhere shitty, like Wales.

Ali.

The Prime Minister of Wales called your mum a slag.

I am the Prime Minister of Wales!

Shouldn't talk that way about your mum, innit?

Look, your first Cabinet meeting is next Thursday.

We're going to discuss asylum seekers.

I'm sending you on a fact-finding mission.

If anybody wants to smuggle anything into Britain

chances are they'll come through here.

And it's not just immigrants.

Take a look at this.

You'll be appalled.

Look at this crap.

Thirty kilos of marijuana smuggled in

from Europe, South America, and the Middle East.

That is terrible.

Is there any skunk?

Yes. Some scumbag managed to smuggle in

fifteen kilos of this.

Turns out it's the strongest super skunk ever discovered.

Over here is where we keep the confiscated weapons

and this is where we keep the...

You must have such a laugh here, what?

No, we don't.

This next section is where we keep

the mountains of hardcore pornography,

most of it coming from Germany.

You may want to look away at this point.

No. I's got a job to do.

I know. It makes me feel sick, too.

Well, I's going to have to compile me report now,

so if you wouldn't mind fucking off?

Certainly, sir.

Westminster will sending down

a couple of experts to help me with me research.

Jezzy, glasses.

Hello. We is experts.

Well, now, Ali, tell us. What did you find out in Dover?

Well, me saw a lot of stuff, most of it from Germany

of these blokes all going in through the back door.

He's absolutely right.

I've been to Germany and experienced it myself.

Respect.

I remember one time, there were these two huge African men,

who managed to squeeze themselves into

this tiny box.

How long was they in there for?

Fifteen hours.

It was incredibly emotional.

It must've hurt, what?

It still does.

Sorry.

So, John,

what are we going to do about these asylum seekers?

We can't just let them all in.

It'll cripple the economy.

Yes. Ali?

Let's think about this, right?

What is the main thing we ain't got enough of in this country?

- Hospitals. - No.

- Libraries? - Behave.

We ain't got enough fit women

and we's got too many mingers.

No offense, Karen.

So, why don't we just let in all the fit refugees

and turn away all the rank ones?

That way, we solve both problems.

We's knobbin' two birds with one connie, innit?

- This is ludicrous. - What do you think?

I think we should keep it real.

Fit.

Fit.

Fit.

Wait.

Back to Slovenia.

Fit.

As I was saying, education standards are at their lowest in 15 years.

Yeah, well, that is because

kids is learning stuff that ain't no use to them.

I mean, who here has ever used maths?

Or English?

Exactly.

Let's start making education relevant.

So, if Kevin buys six ounces of Jamaican sinsemilla

from Fat Tony for £480, cash in hand,

and has to divide it amongst 11 of his customers

how much should he charge for an eighth,

so that he can make £100 profit to pay off his child support?

Prime Minister, the situation in Northern Ireland

is threatening to spiral out of all control.

Hear me now.

The only way you's ever going to get

those Hindus to stop killing them Islams...

It's actually Catholics fighting Protestants.

Whatever.

Is if you get some really fit woman

to get her babylons out for peace.

- Prime Minister... - Not you, luv.

The Army is costing the British taxpayer

£4.2 billion a year.

How does the government intend to reduce this figure?

We is gonna hire the A-Team.

Her Majesty, the Queen.

Your Majesty, may I introduce Ali G,

Member of Parliament for Staines?

Come on, baby, girl

Will you show me your twirls

Come, let we bust on the floor

I will rock your world

I will rhyme and go down

Rhyme and come up

Watch the people round the world...

Hello, cheeky.

You is much fitter than you look on them coins.

Next time me put a 50-pence piece in me pocket,

me will feel honored

having your head so close to me nuts.

Nothing's working.

The jobless figures are at their highest level.

This country has a special relationship with the United States.

What do you think of Bush?

Me love bush. I mean,

me love anything that gives foliage to the punani area.

Would you do a dance for me, please?

- Oh, my God. - Shaven haven.

Respect.

As Ali G's influence grows ever stronger...

The government surged to a 12-point lead.

Ali G storms the palace.

The Queen declares him a breath of fresh air.

Ali G mania sweeps the UK.

Charismatic MP Ali G...

Government lead increases to 14 points.

As of twelve o'clock, all Rizlas will be free.

To discourage their use, there will be a levy

of twenty-five pence on the pound on panties.

This will exclude thongs.

As for the health service,

marijuana will be made available free on the NHS

for de treatment of chronic diseases,

such as itchy scrot.

Furthermore, I am a bell end.

Prime Minister, I can't be expected...

Get on, David.

I like to take it up de batty.

Yes, I do.

It feel really nice

and is me favorite.

I used to be a girl and wear knicks.

Honest.

Ask me mum.

War looms in Central Africa.

Britain is to host a last-minute peace conference.

A triumphant budget

framed by Britain's most controversial MP.

Wait a minute

Is y'all ready?

Let me hear you

Just because you bought me a fancy frock

don't make up for three months of neglect.

You know.

Listen, Ali, I ain't never been to nothing like this before,

so don't leave me on my own tonight. All right?

Don't worry, baby.

Look, there's the Prime Minister.

I seen him on the telly. Let me get his autograph.

Yo, boss man, this is me Julie.

Yes, lovely. Shall we meet the delegates?

This is President Wattana from Thailand.

It is an honor to meet you.

Thai, aight? Present.

Ali, let's move along.

Please, do forgive me.

This is the Mongolian delegate.

Is you a genuine Mong?

That is fantastic that you lot

is also being represented here.

I will go and get you some nice crayons.

Shall we carry on? Thank you. Do forgive me.

They really can do anything, wot?

This is Borat from Kazakhstan.

Jagshemash.

- Bless you. - It is nice to meet you.

Get off, you batty boy!

Ali! Thank you. All right. Do forgive us.

You're a cocksucker.

Bonjour.

Canape, sir?

Me Julie!

Julie?

Hello?

What are you doing up here with me?

Why don't you stay downstairs with that posh girl?

We was just talking about the politics.

I ain't interested in what you got to say.

Just shut up!

We won't speak no more.

You really are a prat.

Now, come here.

Yeah.

Hey, we can't. This is the PM's bedroom.

Well...

Why don't you pretend to be the Prime Minister, then?

Cheeky.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

In advance of tomorrow's summit,

I shall be having private talks with both parties.

So, first, President Mwepu,

would you care to join me upstairs?

A pleasure.

Thank you.

I must say, I enjoyed that.

So did I. I'm so glad we thrashed it out.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want everyone here to know

that President Mwepu here is a very big man.

Yes, and I would like you to know

that the Prime Minister was very hard, but very straight.

Thank you.

The president was very much on top to start off with...

...but I don't mind telling you,

I was in a deep hole.

Oh, very deep.

Yes. But even though we had some sticky patches,

I'm delighted to say,

we came together finally in the end.

Yes, I lapped up everything that you had to offer.

Now, President Oompeba,

would you care to join me upstairs?

No bloody way!

Can I come?

Come on, honey. Let's go home.

I'll cook you up your favorite.

What, Angel Delight?

Yeah. Butterscotch.

Butterscotch.

This bit is for the girls

to show that me can be well sensitive.

By the way,

if any of you bitches is fit and into doggy,

then here is my mobile number.

Callers must be over 16.

But not by too much, obviously.

We can't. They need me at the peace conference tomorrow.

You what?

What about the people who really need you?

What about Ricky? What about Dave?

What about me, Ali?

Please come back to Staines.

The world is bigger than Staines

and me gotta save it.

Well, you'll have to do it on your own, then.

Me Julie? Me Julie?

Let me see about it.

We've got to get rid of him before this bloody center's saved.

Well, what I thought...

You thought?

The United States will do everything in its power

to support Chad in its struggle against its neighbors.

Russia will not allow this Western oppression to continue,

and in order to support Burkina Faso,

is prepared to utilize all our military capabilities.

That's outrageous!

How can you make a statement like that?

Ali, Ali, Ali...

Could be Armageddon breaking out. Please help me.

Sure, bro. I'll sort it out.

The United States will not be intimidated!

We are prepared to meet any show of force with our full military might!

Do you know why they's all shoutin' in there?

It's because they ain't been fed their teas.

Come on, choppy-chop.

Moving to a motion,

all those in favor of sending Iran down to the gas station

to get some potato chips and chocolate, raise your hands.

Bye-bye.

Oh, bummer.

Tease me, tease me tease me, tease me, baby

I'm sorry we invaded you.

That was really uncool.

Who cares? It's all in the past.

And, hey, if I was going to be invaded by anyone,

I am happy it was you.

You are really cool.

And you have nice clothes.

You saved my white ass, Ali.

No problem, brethren.

Big up the herbal tea, aight?

Aight.

Hey, you, Britain!

Respect.

How does he do it?

Catchin' a big fish

Yes, you are on top of my romance list

Second to none you defeat the favorite

Woman, your love is like burning fire in me soul

Woman, tease me till me lose control

Woman, your love is like burning fire in me soul

Woman, tease me till me lose control

Tease me, tease me tease me, tease me, baby

You know, we're quite a team, Ali.

It's thanks to you, we're 22 points ahead.

I'm going to save that center of yours.

Wicked!

Check out all the Pepperami!

They're for you, Ali.

This is your moment.

Will you comment on accusations

that you drugged the leaders of the world?

You what?

We have evidence that proves you're guilty.

Well, we have evidence that proves you're guilty.

This is just childish.

This is just childish!

Aren't you, by employing this absurd rhetorical tactic,

merely incriminating yourself further?

Are you by... tactic... just your father?

This bag was sent to my office anonymously this morning.

Do you deny that you stole it from Customs and Excise?

That could be anyone's.

What's it got to do with me?

I's gotta go. I's turtlin'.

I's actually touching cloth.

Oh, dear. There goes your leisure center.

Clear your desk before you go, will you?

Prime Minister.

Big up yourself, Ali.

Good-bye, Mr. G.

Won't be the same without you.

We'll miss you, Mr. G. Respect.

All right.

Westside.

Flippin' heck.

Nan, can I borrow your car?

Where would I be without my baby?

The thought alone might break me

And I don't want to go crazy

But every thug needs a lady

Girl, it feel like you and I Been mournin' together

Inseparable, we chose pain over pleasure

For that, you'll forever be a part of me

Mind, body, and soul Ain't no I in we, baby

Where would I be without you?

I only think about you, yeah

I know you're tired of being lonely

So, baby girl, put it on me

Where would I be without you?

I only think about you

Thanks for the times

That you've given me

The memories are all in my mind

You're once

Twice

Three times a lady

And I know

Having a bad day? Maybe I can help.

Is it nippy outside?

Very.

What is you doin' here?

Let me show you.

So, today's main news again,

the Prime Minister has resigned after the discovery

of a video tape from a security camera

showing him having perverse sexual intercourse

with an unknown prostitute.

Prime Minister!

That ain't no prostitute. That's me ho.

As of 11:00 this morning,

the Deputy Prime Minister, David Carlton,

will be acting Prime Minister.

What? That ain't fair. That weren't the PM.

Why ain't they showing the rest of the tape?

Unfortunately, my boss has locked it in a safe

in his new office at Chequers,

and that's where it's staying.

You ain't gonna get away with this.

If you keep your mouth shut,

David's willing to be very generous.

I'm

willing to be very generous.

All that you have to do

is keep your mouth shut.

I'm tuning up my engine, Ali.

Fill me with petrol.

I's gonna pump you with my 5-star unleaded, aight?

Let me see your nozzle.

What? Oh, you want to see me knob. All right.

Freak me baby

Let me lick you up and down

Till you say stop

Let me play with your body, baby

Make you real hot

Let me do all the things you want me to do

'Cause tonight, baby

I want to get freaky with you

Oh, yeah.

Baby, don't you understand

I want to be your nasty man

Give me your fuel injection.

And in tomorrow's phone-in, we'll be asking this question.

Have you ever slept with a pig?

I know I certainly have.

And we'll be finding out what turns girls like this into slags.

No one calls me Julie a slag.

Come to mama.

Take them off.

Where are you, baby?

We used to have so much fun

You drive me crazy

Somebody tell me where he's gone

Where are you, baby?

We used to have so much fun

You drive me crazy

Keep it real! Keep it real!

This ain't right. Here.

Set it to vibrate and finish yourself off.

Open up!

Yo, blood, I need your help.

Everyone on the telly is calling me Julie a slag.

They heard about our three-header at Derek's 18th?

What three-header?

Anyways, I can prove she ain't.

Brethren, we gotta re-start Drive-By FM. What ya say?

- Drive-By FM is back! - Wicked!

Let's go. Is you any good at knots?

Yo, hear me now, hear me now, rewind.

This is Drive-By FM, the sound of the ghetto

coming to you from deep in the heart of Berkshire.

What was that?

Helicopter.

Oh, you was doing the wings.

That's good.

Hear me now, gangstas.

There is some serious shit going down.

The Prime Minister, check it,

has been chucked out by a geezer who is a massive dong.

He is even more eviller than Skeletor.

To get the PM back in,

me needs to get hold of this tape

of me knobbing me bitch.

If you help me rescue this video,

we can save the country.

Plus you'll get to see me Julie's babylons.

Wicked!

That is why I is calling on all of you

to end the Berkshire turf wars.

There has been enough brothers slain.

So put down your AKs, lay down your uzis

and unite into one massive massive.

So big up the Eton Wick Crew.

Hold tight.

Hold tight the Iver Heath Posse.

Shout going out to the Englefield Green Massiv.

And me never thought me would ever say this,

but big up the East Staines Massiv.

Ali, what you doing, man?

Hear this, Hassan B.

If you join us, then I is prepared to hand over

the Boris the Spider climbing frame in Leagrove Park.

Let's do what Tupac and Biggie never managed. Aight?

Hear this! If you is joining us for this military operation,

then meet up wearing your camouflage

at John Nike Leisure Centre, 9:00 tomorrow morning.

That's a bit early. Can we make it 12:00?

Sorry I is late.

But there was something on the telly about monkeys.

They is well funny, what?

With their arms and...

Respect to all of you for wearing your camouflage.

It will help you go undetected.

Now, let's go to Chequers and rescue that tape.

Let's do this for Britain.

Let's do this for me Julie.

And let's do this for hip-hop! Selecta!

Selecta!

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Fight the power

Hear me now, l has drawn up a detailed plan of Chequers.

The tape is in the PM's office, in a safe.

First up, Ricky, Dave and me will go in.

Jezzy, you stay here.

We's gonna be like the A-Team.

And I is BA Baracus.

I wanna be BA Baracus.

But l is very much like him. "I ain't gettin' in no plane."

"I ain't gettin' in no plane."

What? "I ain't gettin' in no plane."

- "Shut up, fool." - What?

Look, gold. "I ain't gettin' in no plane."

"Step back, kiss myself."

That's James Brown.

You'll be Murdock. Dave, you'll be Face.

What do we do?

Stay here and we all hide

and blend into the natural habitat.

Then, when it gets dark, me will make the secret signal.

Fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh, rewind

Let's go!

At that point, you will tune all your radios

to the baddest street garage station

and crank up the volume to the max.

This will bring out the guards

and at that point we will use our cunning to overpower them.

Bundle!

- Sir? - What the hell's going on?

I'm sure it's nothing, but I've sent some men out.

See that you do. I want maximum security. Patrol the house.

The Great Ballroom is exactly like the one

in Lara Croft's house in Tomb Raider 2 on PlayStation.

So, Dave, if you run at the pillar

that will take us through to the underwater kingdom

and on to the next level.

If for some reason that don't work,

we must find a way to cross the touch-sensitive floor.

If we lift our feet at all, we're dead.

Break dance

Electric boogie break

Is electric boogie break

Is electric boogie break dance

Break it down

Nothing. We'll keep on looking.

Next up, we is gotta go through the laser room.

Dave, you'll use your special skills to help us through.

Remember, if we break any beams it will set the alarms off

so extra careful. Now, let's do it.

This is the funk, now hit me

Just get on down and hit me

Their bodies gettin' so funky now hit me

Rock, rock, let it rock

Stop Rock, rock, let it rock

- Stop - We gotta rock it, don't stop it

We gotta rock it, don't stop it

Gotta rock it, don't stop!

This must be the PM's office.

The tape is in there.

Intruders in my office.

This is a terrorist attack, shoot on sight.

Repeat, shoot on sight.

- This safe? - That safe.

This safe?

Yeah, open that.

Yeah, man, I is feeling fine. Open it now.

- The safe? - Yeah, man!

Behind you!

Hold on. I thought you couldn't speak.

It's not really that.

I've just always been terribly embarrassed about my voice.

All right, don't go on about it.

Stop giving it all that.

Now, if me can just interrupt your life story for a second,

let's tie these geezers up and get that safe open.

No.

I got it. Link up the batteries of all the cars outside,

transfer that electrical current through a human chain,

and blow this mother open!

Won't we get electricalocuted?

We'll blow the batteries, but we won't get fried

as long as the chain don't break 'cause we're all wearing rubber-soled trainers.

Trust me, I got a D in Physics.

Wicked. I'll text them.

No, b-eight-two-rez, batteries.

2-geh-4, together.

Me was trying to save time.

Bambaclat.

Switch on the engine, pass it on.

Switch on the engine, pass it on.

Your voice.

Switch on the engine, pass it on.

Bitch on a pension, suck my dong.

What?

Should I turn the engine on?

Yeah.

Just get on down, hit me

What is you doing?

I can't help it! I'm being pulled!

No!

We open up de safe!

Peace, man.

Peace, brethren.

Fuckin' hell! The tape ain't here.

What you talkin' about, Willis?

Look for yourself.

All it is is some photographs...

And there's a map of Staines.

Jah Rastafari, Haile Selassi.

They is extending Heathrow Airport.

That means they is gonna destroy Staines.

And they're starting in three hours.

Two hours, 57 minutes, to be precise.

Why is you got to build this terminal over Staines?

Because I have bought 600 acres of land there. Can I have those, please.

Now don't try escaping from here. This room doubles as a nuclear bunker.

It is completely impenetrable to the outside world.

And I forgot to put on the air supply.

Why don't you nip out now and stick it on?

You really are unbelievably stupid.

Knob-end!

- What? - Give me them plans.

Or what?

Or nipple cripple, that's what.

Chinese burn!

You hurt me nose, you fucking nutcase.

I ain't being funny, but you should look behind you

because there's a thousand police officers.

Look behind you, there's Jennifer Lopez.

What? You want to bone him right this second 'cause you is so horny?

Look, there's 20 squid on the floor.

There's a squirrel with the head of a chicken

and with wings and everything.

Is you gonna hit me again?

Now I'm going to shoot you.

Booyakasha!

This is from the people of Staines.

I think I followed through.

Me Julie, you there?

Me know what you must think of me.

I been a piece of knob cheese,

but me got to save Staines and me can't do it on me own

and I has shat meself.

Shit. Ricky and Dave!

Ricky?

We thought if we was gonna die we might as well give it a go.

- What's it like? - It's not bad.

Dave?

Quite nice, actually.

We'll talk about this later.

Now we gotta save Staines.

Two minutes? See you in the car?

All right. Be quick.

The Feds is coming and you don't want to finish up inside.

Save our center!

Save our center!

Leave 'em alone, you pigs! They're senile!

Send it in, send it in!

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Ali! I love you!

Julie!

Hello.

Ignore them and start the demolition.

Wait! Don't listen to him! He's a criminal.

And not even the good kind that sell drugs or do drive-bys.

I is got proof here that he is trying to destroy Staines.

So what? It's a shithole.

Arrest them.

Oh, shit. We is going to jail.

Every day for the next 20 years

we'll get bummed in the showers.

Hold it. Release him.

Under what authority?

In case you've forgotten, I'm the acting Prime Minister.

You are the disgraced one.

Disgraced by you. And this tape proves it.

- Kate... - No, David.

When I first entered politics,

it was to create a better world,

a world of honesty, integrity and truth.

But somewhere along the way that vision was lost.

My dream was tarnished

and instead I discovered greed, avarice and corruption...

Boring!

Arrest him.

Enjoy your life with this fool. You two deserve each other.

Piss off.

Oh, nice!

We're not going to build Terminal 5 over Staines.

We're gonna demolish Slough instead.

Wicked.

As of right now I'm gonna need a new Deputy Prime Minister.

How do you feel about being my right-hand man?

Right-hand man! Batty boy.

What do you say, Ali?

I shown you the way.

You'll have to carry on the journey by yourself now.

As for me, l is gonna stick with me posse,

and me bitch...

Me lady.

Actually here is one thing you could do for me.

Mr. Ambassador.

Oh, yeah, I'm Mr. Reggae Ambassador

Your crop is ready for inspection.

I'm Mr. Reggae Ambassador

Play me reggae music in any condition

Drop it in a style, drop in a fashion

Good morning, Ambassador.

Ambassador, will you try the harvest?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah

I'm Mr. Reggae Ambassador, hey

Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah

I'm Mr. Reggae Ambassador, hey

Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah

I'm Mr. Reggae Ambassador

This is good shit.

The man from Staines, he say yeah!

This how we do it

This is how we do it

Ice, please.

Ali, this is a great Jacuzzi.

That ain't a Jacuzzi.

Sorry.

The party's here on the westside

So l reach for my 40 and I turn it up

Designated driver Takes the keys to my truck

Hit the shore 'cause I'm faded

Honeys in the street say "Money, yo, we made it"

Feels so good in my hood tonight

Summertime skirts and guys in Kani

All of the gangbangers forgot about the drive-by

You gotta get your groove on before you go get paid

Bring her in.

And let me hear the party say

Dance for me, bitch.

South Central does it like nobody does

This is how we do it

To all my neighbors, you got much flava

This is how we do it!

Let's flip the track bring the old school back

This is how we do it

Me Julie, me got something to ask you.

Will you make me the happiest man in the world?

Yeah, I will.

Let me shag her, then.

This is how we do it in a UK vibe

This is how we do it

Come on, Su to the floor and Sabrina to the mike

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

It's Friday night and I feel all right

The party's here on the westside...

What did you think of the film?

It weren't bad, was it?

It was easily better than Harry Potter,

which me thought was very childish.

If you is watching this, Potter, I is better than you.

You probably ain't even slept with a girl.

I has slept with three.

And I got one of them to play with herself.

Whatever you thought of this film,

please tell your mates it was wicked,

cos if this flops, me won't be able to get Nan a new hip.

The choice is yours.

No pressure.

Nan, come tell them about it.

What? You is fallen over again?

You done the other one in as well?

Don't cry there, all mashed up, a lump of bones.

Me will get you the cash to make it better, somehow.

Don't be selfish.

Buy the merchandise and all.

Ali G

Shout it

Let's talk Julia right now, yeah

A to the L to the I to the G-sy

J to the U to the L I A

S to the H A double-G-sy Y

Oh, boys getting busy

I need a cure for this thing I'm feelin'

Shaggy need some sexual healing

I wanna reach and touch the ceilin'

When I'm lovin' my Julie, ay

Me I've been kickin' at my late night dealin'

Words at the piece I'm stealin'

I see your sex and Mr. Lover believin'

When I'm lovin' my Julie

Julie

You know me love-a you truly

From my head down to my goolies

Woman, you turn me on with your big babylons

Me Julie

You got some sweet damn coolies

When me touch it with my goolies

Hey, Shaggy, me can rap too

Yo, yo, yo

You is better than J-Lo

Next to you she is just a minger

Better than Destiny's Child

Well, apart from the lead singer

You is fitter than the Spice Girls including the Ging'er

Give it a shave cos me wanna be in yer

They always claimed that our love was wrong

The people just stared and said it was too long

But it ain't crap to have a 12-inch

A what?

Dong, d-dong, dong, dong

Julie

You know me love-a you truly

From my head down to my goolies

Woman, you turn me on with your big babylons

Me Julie

You got some sweet damn coolies

When me touch it with my goolies

'Cause you turn me on with your big babylons

This is how we do it in a UK vibe

This is how we do it

Ha, it's the Mis-Teeq Mis-Teeq, Mis-Teeq

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

It's Friday night And I feel all right

The party's here on the westside

So I reach for my 40 and I turn it up

Designated driver turn the keys to my truck

Hit the shore 'cause I'm faded

Guys in the street say Girls, yo, you made it!

It feels so good in my hood tonight

The summertime skirts and the guys in Kani

All the gang bangers forgot about the drive-by

You gotta get your groove on before you go get paid

So tip up your cup and throw your hands up

And let me hear the party say

I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because

This is how we do it

South Central does it like nobody does

This is how we do it

To all my neighbors you got much flava

This is how we do it

So flip the track bring the old school back

This is how we do it

Oh, I'm buzzing because

This is how we do it

South Central does it like nobody does, nobody does

L O N, D O N

This is how we do it

All my homies I'll never come wack on

An old school track Check it out!

Once upon a time in '94

Mis-Teeq made no money and life sure was slow

And all they said was 5'8" he stood

And people thought the music that he made was good

There lived a D.J. PDS was his name

He came up to me and this is what he said

You and them girls are gonna make some cash

Sell a million records and we'll make it in a dash

Oh, I'm buzzing because

This is how we do it

South Central does it like nobody does, nobody does

L O N, D O N

This is how we do it All my homies

I'll never come wack on an old school track

This is how we do it

I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because

This is how we do it

South Central does it like nobody does

This is how we do it

To all my neighbors you got much flava

This is how we do it

So flip the track bring the old school back

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

This is how we do it

Mis-Teeq does it like nobody does

This is how we do it

All my neighbors you got much flava.

This is how we do it

And we'll never come wack on an old school track

This is how we do it, do it, do it!